Original subtitles

All I'm saying is that when you take a creature into your home

and you feed it and you clean up after it,

you don't expect him to bark at you

every time you walk in the door.

Okay, first of all, the creature has a name.

It's Ed.

And vegetarian risotto is not feeding me.

A meal has meat.

That's why meat and meal are practically the same word.

You should be thankful I'm feeding you at all.

The only thing I did was make you think you won the lottery.

I didn't think you were gonna leave

the woman you were with for over 40 years.

That's because you never met her.

Hold on, guys. Hold on.

Even a snake and a mongoose can be taught to get along.

Of course, they don't have to share a toilet.

Ed, how fast can you get back with your wife?

I don't know. I gotta get back in my own bed.

My insomnia's acting up again.

Have you tried watching a little TV before bed?

I don't know why he'd have a little TV

when the big ones are so cheap now.

I usually watch TV before bed,

but-- get this-- "Gaybraham Lincoln" here

doesn't have a television.

And, frankly, I couldn't be happier.

Now I'm reading and thinking...

Well, why don't you read the ads in the Sunday paper

and think about buying a television?

Oops, I thought you guys were done.

I'll just be in the kitchen, Charlie.

Well, we're running over anyway. What do you say we wrap it up?

See you guys on Tuesday.

Ed, Patrick, try to be more patient with each other.

So, like, how do you keep up with the Kardashians

without watching "Keeping up with the Kardashians"?

'Cause I'm keeping up with Voltaire.

Is he the pool boy on "Real Housewives"?

Yes.

Voltaire, one of the greatest writers of all time,

is the pool boy on "Real Housewives."

Well, I guess everybody just wants to be on TV.

So, where's your new boyfriend?

At home, naked in your bed?

Rolling around in my alimony money?

No, we did that the other night.

Tonight, we're using it to make a papier-mâché piñata

shaped like a jackass, but we'll need your picture.

Jen, Sean's got no job. He lives in your house. He eats your food.

He's using you. He's a sponge.

He's "Sponge Sean No Moneypants."

No, you're wrong, Charlie.

Sean is kind and considerate.

And I'll tell you more about him on the way to bail him out of jail.

- He's in jail? - It was not his fault.

We took the subway to the Long Beach Aquarium,

some guy grabbed my ass, and he punched him

in front of an undercover cop.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Something's not adding up.

Charlie, he was just defending me.

You would've done the same thing.

No, not that.

There's a subway in Los Angeles?

Yes, LA has a subway.

Do other people know about this?

[ theme music playing ]

[ groans ] Dude, thank you for bailing me out of jail

and for picking up the tab at the drive-through.

My pleasure.

You know, I've never seen any one person

spend more than 20 bucks at a McDonald's.

Impressive.

I don't understand what happened.

I mean, everything's only a dollar.

You ordered 20 things.

You really don't understand what happened?

I gotta be honest. I don't understand anything anymore.

I mean, come on.

Why'd I have to go to jail?

I barely hit the guy.

How was I supposed to know he would drop with one punch?

Yeah, the little ones go down pretty easy.

He was, like, 6'5", 260.

Nerds come in all shapes and sizes.

You know what I found out after the fact?

He used to be a linebacker for the Chargers.

Hmm. White guy, though, right?

Black guy.

- Light-skinned? - Charlie!

Look, I know I shouldn't have hit him, all right?

But he insulted Jen.

Come on. What would you have done?

I woulda told him that what he did was wrong

and then disengaged.

[ chuckles ] Yeah, chicks dig that.

You know what chicks really dig?

Guys who aren't in jail.

You smell like French fries and crime, dude.

Take a shower.

They're not fries, they're nuggets.

I got a bag of 'em in my pocket

and I am gonna eat 'em later.

[ laughs ] Burn.

I just don't like him.

Well, you were sweet to bail him out.

And I'm afraid the favors don't stop there.

The court says he has to go to anger management therapy.

Forget it, Jen.

Please, Charlie. Do this for me.

He doesn't have an anger problem,

so he doesn't need to talk about his childhood

with one of those court-ordered douchebags.

Hey, I'm one of those court-ordered douchebags.

Wow, I really am bad at asking for favors.

Will you look at that. My connection's way stronger now.

First throw.

Who lands a Frisbee on the roof on their first throw?

A guy who wants to learn to toss a Frisbee

so he can meet girls in the park.

Well, screaming like one when it lands on the roof is not gonna help.

Dad's right. You're hopeless.

Is this how you guys talk about me when I'm not here?

Yes.

Well, thanks for getting my Internet working again.

I will see you Thursday for dinner.

And by the way, I recorded your call

for quality purposes, too.

And you did great.

Wait, you're dating a woman you met on a tech support call?

She was very nice.

She doubled the speed of my DSL...

and tested it by sending me some surprisingly quick-loading videos.

That's not fair.

You just break up with Kate and you're already dating.

Yep, I'm back in.

I've been back in for three years

and no one cares.

I'm this close to getting a billboard.

Well, don't use your profile picture from Facebook.

You look crazy.

I'm trying to smile like I know a secret.

Is the secret that you're crazy?

[ paper crinkling ]

- Hey, Sean. - Hey, Charlie.

Glad you could make it.

Please take a seat on the couch over here with Ed and Patrick.

I was gonna watch some videos during group.

Can I get your Wi-Fi password?

My password, sure.

It's notonyourfrickinlife, all one word.

Look, if you're gonna be here, you have to participate.

[ sighs ] I thought this was gonna be like traffic school.

I could show up, sit in the back,

watch a couple car crash movies, go home.

It's a little different here.

There aren't so many car crashes

as there are, you know, train wrecks.

Hi, I'm Lacey.

- Who are you? - All aboard.

I'm Sean, hi.

Look at you. If I'd known you were coming,

I woulda worn nicer clothes.

Or fewer clothes. It's really your preference.

Everyone, this is Sean.

He's gonna be joining us for the next six weeks

because of a little nudge from the judge.

[ laughs ] What'd you do, Sean?

Uh, fight on the subway. That's it.

And they sent you here all the way from New York?

Apparently, there's a subway in L.A.

Well, I don't know how we're supposed to be honest

when our therapist makes up crazy stories.

[ sighs ]

Anyway, why don't we start where we left off last week?

Ed, how's it going over at Patrick's?

Lousy. I'm still not sleeping.

William "Shakesqueere" over here...

still thinks he's too sophisticated

to buy a television.

Yeah, well, maybe you should read a book for once in your life.

Ralph... "Baldo" Emerson.

How do you come up with those so fast?

Listen, guys, guys. We've talked about this.

- You gotta find a way-- - [ imitating music beat ]

Sean.

Sean!

Yeah?

Sorry to interrupt your Top 10 Bitchin' Bro Jams...

we're trying to have therapy here.

I gotta be honest, man.

I don't really care about their problems.

I don't know any of these people.

I know, right?

Well, you might want to start caring

because one phone call from me to your probation officer

and you go to jail.

God, why are you being so mean to him?

Can't you see he's clearly handsome?

I don't remember her name, but she's very observant.

It's Lacey.

Like my underwear.

All right, all right, that's enough.

You either participate or you're out.

Listen, if you wanna call my probation officer,

do it, all right? Call him.

Better yet, maybe I should just find a different therapist.

I think that's exactly what you should do.

- There's the door. - Oh, great.

That thing over there? Perfect.

If you hadn't told me, I would've just wandered around here for days.

[ giggles ] He's so funny.

By the way, I hacked into your Wi-Fi.

Uh, so everybody knows, his super cool password...

therapystud47.

I know it sounds like an amazing coincidence,

but that password came with the router.

Come on, puree one time for Daddy.

- [ clicks ] - [ whirring ]

Ed, it's 3:00 in the morning. What the hell are you doing?

Trying to make a milk shake,

but first I had to fix your stupid blender.

Have you ever connected the dots

between milk shakes in the middle of the night

and your current silhouette?

When I was at home, my wife would get up

when I couldn't sleep and make me a milk shake

and we'd sit on the sofa and rub each other's feet

while we watch TV till we fell asleep.

Yeah, ain't gonna happen.

I wasn't asking.

[ sighs ] What are we going to do, Ed?

How are we gonna get you home?

I don't know. It was a bad fight.

I said some awful things.

Like what?

Well, like she should burn in hell

like every meal she ever cooked for me.

- Ouch. - Yep.

I told Mark that I hated his cooking, too.

I mean, if you're gonna kill animals for food,

at least marinate them properly.

And then I told him I hated his mustache.

Weird, I told my wife the same thing.

Well, would you like me to make you a milk shake?

I'd like that.

Then I'll tell you the story about

the horrible cruise I took with my wife.

What was so horrible?

I told you, I was with my wife.

Think of the Internet as a freeway.

Now, your old DSL only had four lanes open to traffic,

but with the new bandwidth, it's like having 12.

Were you talking this way last night at dinner?

I don't know. I was pretty buzzed.

Oh.

Mimosa?

Sure.

I really like this shirt.

Can I keep it?

After last night, you can keep the house.

I just want you to know, I have never dated anybody

I met during a tech support call,

but I am really glad your computer went.

[ doorbell rings ]

I'm sorry, I'm going to have to put you on hold for a minute.

Please stand by. Your booty call is very important to us.

[ doorbell rings ]

Coming.

- Hey. - Oh, it's you.

Look, I have a tech person in the kitchen

and they're not gonna leave until I'm 100% satisfied with the service.

You banging the computer girl?

- Pretty much. - Right.

Look, I'll make it quick, all right?

Uh, I'm really sorry about yesterday.

What I did was stupid and I would appreciate it

if you'd let me come back to the group.

Not gonna happen, dude.

You're not capable of taking the process seriously.

Try me.

All right, why'd you hit that guy in the subway?

[ scoffs ] Because he grabbed Jen's ass

and he said some crap and I decked him.

That's-- I told you that already.

What did he say?

[ sighs ] He called me a boy toy.

He what?

He saw Jen give me a couple bucks

and he called me a boy toy, all right?

Look, I just-- I have some stuff in my past

that I haven't shared with anybody

and I'm a little sensitive about it.

Like what, were you, like, a--

[ chuckles ] like, a male hooker or something?

Holy crap, you were.

Charlie, are you gonna be a while?

Yes.

By the way, the term is escort, all right?

Ladies, they don't order hookers.

They order escorts.

Well, sure, thenit's classy.

So can I come back to the group?

- Yes. - Thank you.

It's 100 bucks a session,

but no kissing on the mouth.

I'm sorry, I couldn't resist.

- [ monitor beeping ] - [ sighs ]

We should stop them, Charlie.

This won't be usable in the study.

It is not representative of married sex.

Why, because they're enjoying themselves?

[ sighs ] Please.

They're putting on a show for us.

This guy's flapping around like one of those

inflatable wind men outside a used car lot.

[ imitates wind blowing ]

Really?

Nothing for the wind guy?

I'm sorry. I'm a little distracted right now.

What's going on?

I've got this really heavy piece of information

about a guy who's living with a woman I know

and I absolutely cannot tell you.

Well, that's your call.

When Jen's boyfriend was in his 20s, he was a male prostitute.

There, you happy you squeezed it out of me?

Wow. But if it was that long ago,

I don't see why you're so concerned.

Because he's showing he has no problem living off money from women.

He's doing the same thing with Jen right now.

I can't tell her 'cause of patient confidentiality.

Well, Jen's a smart woman.

She'll figure it out eventually.

You think?

Did I ever tell you that she once asked me if wrestling was real?

High school wrestling.

Or she may not.

But you can't tell her.

It would be completely unprofessional.

Says the woman who screams out "Yahtzee!"

when her test subjects are done having sex.

That's different. Soundproof glass.

Well, she's gotta find out somehow.

Ah, be careful, Charlie.

The APA takes that stuff seriously.

They're devoted to making sure that psychologists

are held to the highest standard of ethics.

And, Yahtzee.

[ laughs ]

Ta-da.

Settle down. I've already seen your outfit for today.

No, look.

Ta-da.

You bought a television.

Well, you started closing the bathroom door,

so as a thank-you, I did this.

Now you can get some sleep.

Well, thank you, Patrick.

I'm gonna read a book,

but you feel free to just give it a whirl.

[ TV powers on ]

Man on TV: I ain't here to make friends.

I'm here to show the world

that some of the best fashion ideas come out of Tuscaloosa.

Oh, God. "Redneck Fabulous."

I used to love this trash.

Woman on TV: I've seen better clothes on a train-hoppin' hobo.

- Woman #2: Oh, no, you di'n't. - Woman: Oh, yes, I di-id.

Man on TV: Ooh, that's a country catfight right there.

Woman on TV: Shut your stupid...

I mean, look at them.

Why would people even waste their time on this garbage?

I agree.

Why don't we turn this off, make a couple of milk shakes,

and swap stories about our exes?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

[ gasps ] I can't believe Jolene is back.

And after she spit on the other Jolene.

That bedazzled bolo is everything.

Hey, buddy.

You're the guy who runs trivia night, right?

Yeah.

What would it take for you to use

these questions instead of yours?

I'm trying to keep my ex-wife from making a huge mistake.

Whatever they're paying you tonight, I'll double it.

[ loudly ] $4,000!

- Dude. - All right.

Two hot dogs and two beers.

- Hey. - Hey, Jen.

Hey, Charlie. Thanks for inviting me out.

Well, I figured you might be bored

since Sean's out playing poker with his buddies.

Oh, by the way, just so you know,

he's playing with his own money.

Really? Where'd he get it?

Well, he sold me a couple of his rings

and a vintage guitar.

Oh, my God. You're a pawnshop.

Okay, everybody. It's time for trivia night.

Ladies, if you need some hints, I'm up front.

Dudes, not so much.

[ laughs ] I'm kidding.

Look, I don't mean to put Sean down,

but what do you really know about the guy?

I mean, like, what did he do in his 20s?

Question one. "What 1980 crime thriller

stars Richard Gere and Lauren Hutton?"

Oh, I know this one.

- "Officer and a Gentleman." - [ sighs ]

No, Jen. It was "American Gigolo."

Remember, he got paid to have sex with women?

Maybe it was "Chicago."

He was great in that.

I don't know, I didn't see it.

Was he paid to have sex with women in that one?

No, he tap-danced. It was wonderful.

Anyway, Sean must have mentioned something

about his early jobs.

Next question. "What car manufactured by Ford

was also released by Mazda

under the name the 323?"

I have no idea.

I know. It was the Escort.

Maybe it was the Miata.

No, Jen. It was the Escort.

I don't think so.

Two things we know for sure.

"American Gigolo," Escort.

"What Civil War general

is best known for his stunning defeat

at the Battle of Chancellorsville in 1863?"

Hooker! It was Hooker.

It's Hooker, "American Gigolo," Escort.

There's a pattern here.

You're babbling. I'm going to the bathroom.

Charlie, hey. What's up?

Hey, Sean, what are you doing here? What happened to poker?

It was a rough night. Took a beating.

But then I remembered you were bringing Jen out

so I figured I'd come join you guys.

Are these your sliders? Can I have these?

Yeah, sure...

if you tell Jen about the escort thing.

I'm not gonna do that because that is ancient history

and I already touched this slider,

so I'm gonna eat it.

Well, if you don't tell her, I will.

[ chuckles ] I'm not sure how you're gonna do that

with patient confidentiality.

This next question is a combo.

"007 was played by blank Connery,

and what is the world's oldest profession?

Oh, and make it a sentence by putting 'was a'

between 'Sean' and 'prostitute.'"

What the hell is your problem?

If I have to make a choice between protecting a patient

and protecting the mother of my kid,

she's gonna win that one every time.

You know what? I haven't done crap to Jen, all right?

So why don't you get a life

and stop trying to make it up to your ex

for being a cheating douchebag

for so many years, all right?

[ chuckles, grunts ]

- [ thuds ] - Crowd: Oh!

[ sighs ] What the hell's wrong with you?

[ together ] Sorry.

I wasn't talking to you.

[ together ] Sorry.

I'm going home.

[ together ] Drive safe.

This sucks for you, dude.

Please, you threw the first punch. You're going to jail.

And when it gets out that I assaulted a client and my practice is ruined,

then whose money are you gonna spend?

Bang.

Are you stupid?

You really think that I'm with Jen for the money?

If that was the case, don't you think I'd find a woman

with a more successful ex-husband?

Could you scoot over, please, so I could elbow you in the face?

Yeah, well, maybe I'd like to see her

with a more successful boyfriend

who doesn't blow all her money on poker.

You're a piece of work.

You know what I did tonight?

I won big, all right?

And I lied to you because I wanted to surprise Jen.

There's a pile of cash sitting on her kitchen counter.

Twice what I owe her. So, bang.

Another damn trivia fight.

What kind of questions do they ask

that drives you people to do this?

[ sighs ] Listen, there's no reason to take us both

down to the station, all right?

I-- I attacked him

and he was just defending himself.

Really? That saves me some time.

Let me get those cuffs off.

It sucks to lose your job.

I don't want to see you have to go through it.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait, wait.

- Sean... - Sean: Do me a favor, too, by the way.

Could you pick up my tab? I ordered a bottle of Dom and some chili fries.

Take him away, Officer.