Original subtitles

My greatest pleasure is giving my partner his greatest pleasure,

which is why I keep a bowl of ice next to the bed.

Well, that's terrific.

Those are exactly the kind of details we need for this study.

Thank you. That's good stuff, really good stuff.

- As for me, my greatest pleasure is-- - That's great, Matt.

You were saying something about how you use the ice...

Okay, I think we're done.

Well, thank you, Tracy.

You were terrific. Thank you.

- And Matt. - Yeah, him, too.

Thanks.

- What a nice couple. - Oh, please.

The way you were slobbering over that woman,

it was beyond obvious.

- What? - Come on, just admit it. She was hot.

I know. Smoking hot, right?

What was she doing with that roast beef sandwich sitting next to her?

Forget it, Charlie.

- You can't date her anyway. She's in the study. - I know that.

Besides, she's into shallow, meaningless sex

and that's not you.

You want to find that special someone

and have a real relationship with her.

Oh, that is so not true.

That only applied to you.

For reasons now I can't seem to recall.

I've always been into shallow, meaningless sex.

In fact, I used to be the West Coast distributor for shallow, meaningless sex.

Yes, Charlie, used to.

But then your supply line dried up.

All that's left in the warehouse was love.

Hey, falling for you was a fluke.

The odds of any man falling for you again

are astronomical.

Thank you.

No, wait.

Yeah. Thank you.

- No. Uh-uh. - No?

They weren't the best I've seen.

- Hey. - Hi.

You guys just always look great.

Did you just get back from the symphony?

[ scoffs ] The symphony?

Symphony season doesn't start for another two months.

[ both laugh ]

Well, I'm glad you got my joke.

We just came back from the opera La Bohème.

- It was so beautiful. - Well, not the soprano who played Mimi.

A little hefty to have tuberculosis, if you ask me.

- Oh, bad. - [ laughing ]

Okay. Uh...

you hens gonna have your usual?

- Yes, thank you. - Mm.

I'm on it. Two Ketel One martinis for Wayland and Madame.

Hey, when you're done,

can I have a side of fries and an ice cream sundae?

And a side of fries...

oh, and some ice cream, please?

I recognize this.

You're either stoned or pregnant.

Oh, my God. I hope it's stoned.

- [ laughs ] - Oh, hey, Patrick.

Carol, this is Nolan. Nolan, this is good-bye.

- Hey. - I'm going to use the restroom.

- I'll meet you at that table right over-- - Good, all right.

I'm going to go out on a limb

and say that you enjoy the marijuana.

Well, you won't have to go out very far.

[ laughs ]

I used to love to smoke.

Really opens you up to the music of the universe.

- So you can hear that, too? - Uh-uh.

It's kind of like a polka, right?

You smoke pot and you're cute.

Intriguing combination.

Kind of like French fries and ice cream.

Whoa!

That's just what I was gonna order.

Whoa!

It's insane!

You read my mind.

Well, it wasn't "War and Peace."

Say, if you'd ever like to go to the opera,

I'd love to take you.

The opera?

I don't think I'd enjoy that very much.

Oh, you would if you were high.

Wow.

We just met and you know so much about me.

I don't want to have a pool party

because then people will see me in my bathing suit.

But I don't want to have a bowling party

because no one will see me in my bathing suit.

Hey, I've got an idea for your party.

Your favorite birthday ever was at Chuck E. Cheese.

She's 16, Charlie.

- She has a gynecologist. - Mom!

Well, we can invite him, but he'll have to buy his own tokens.

Yeah, I bet they'll be freezing cold.

I'm gonna get some more sugar.

Don't worry, we're not leaving here till we figure this thing out, all right?

Oh, hey. Tracy, right?

Charlie, hi.

I was just gonna call you guys.

I'm really sorry we can't be in your study.

Matt and I aren't sleeping together anymore.

Oh, no, that's terrible.

I'm so sorry. Can you give me a minute?

$500. Anything you wanna do.

I'll see you at home. Happy birthday.

Sorry about that.

So what happened with you guys?

Matt wanted to go beyond the friends with benefits thing,

but I'm not looking for the kids and the picket fence.

I just want really hot sex with a good friend.

Oh, my God, me, too.

What a crazy coincidence.

- Tracy? - Let me get that for you.

Here you go.

So you're not with anybody?

For some reason, I got the feeling that

you and that Kate woman had something going on.

Kate? God, no.

We tried, but she was way too clingy.

You and I should get together. Can I call you sometime?

Oh, yeah.

We'll grab dinner, get to know each other,

and whatever happens happens.

I'll tell you what won't happen--

- a relationship. - [ laughs ]

- Here's to the people who don't understand us. - Screw them.

We tried... didn't work out.

[ theme music playing ]

Hey. Tracy, you look great.

But you know when restaurants say,

"No shirt, no shoes, no service," that includes pants.

Didn't you get my text?

Oh, my God. Was I not supposed to wear pants?

No, I can't go out to dinner.

I'm supposed to be out of the apartment by noon tomorrow,

but the movers cancelled for the morning,

so now I am gonna be up all night

moving my stuff to my new place.

So...

being your new friend, of course

I'm gonna volunteer to help you, aren't I?

Oh, my God, would you?

I'd owe you big-time.

Well, as long as you've got a truck.

Don't need one. I just wanted a better view,

so I got an apartment six flights up.

That's great. That's great.

Look at that. You got the weight set and everything.

Are you sure this is okay? I feel bad.

We're starting with a lot more friends than benefits.

Well, of course it's okay.

I mean, what kind of friend would I be if I said no?

I'm asking.

I can't believe you had the balls

to call me to help with this.

I can't believe you came.

You must really like this girl

to be moving her up six flights.

All I want is a friend with benefits.

And I don't wanna have those benefits on the floor.

Keep pulling.

I don't get it.

You had friends with benefits with Kate and you let that go.

No, no, no, no.

She's the one who let it go because I had feelings for her.

Till she changes her mind and decides she wants a relationship,

I'm just gonna have fun.

[ grunts ] Oh!

I'm glad you're having fun

because something just popped in my groin.

Oh, this is very heavy!

Sorry, sorry. Let's just set it here on the rail for a second.

- [ both groan ] - There we go.

[ mattress banging ]

You think we would've learned that from the first time.

Oh, good, you didn't bring up the mattress yet.

We still have to paint.

Way ahead of you.

[ both laughing ]

- What are we laughing at? - I don't--

I don't know, but it's funny.

Oh, oh, oh. Now, what did you think of the opera?

I know I asked you before,

but I don't remember what you said.

I used to think cartoons hit all the highs and lows

- of human emotions... - Mm-hmm.

...but after seeing Rigoletto stab his daughter,

this "Aqua Teen Hunger Force"

seems almost mundane.

I know, and I'm having

such a good time with you.

And I had forgotten how wonderful pot is.

- That's why I smoke so much. - Oh.

- So I'll never forget. - [ laughs ]

Everything is better when you're high.

Cartoons are better when you're high.

Your husband's funeral is better when you're high.

- You know what's not better when you're high? - What?

Nothing.

Oh! [ laughs ]

Oh, you're cute. Mm.

Yeah, I'm cuter when you're high.

[ laughs ]

Tracy: Thank you so much for helping me.

I know it was a lot of painting

and you had to move all that furniture,

but look at that view from up here.

Yeah, look.

The freeway is so much smaller.

All the people down there look like...

slightly smaller people.

Come on. It was worth it, right?

Oh, yeah. Before I looked out the window,

I thought I'd compressed three vertebrae for nothing.

Oh, no. You got paint on your shirt.

Maybe we should take it off.

Whoops.

Paint on my pants.

Oh, that's too bad.

That's okay. They're just my old painting and sex pants.

[ sighs ] Well-done, buddy.

Hey, I came to play, pal.

You know what the best part of our friendship is?

That thing you do with the ice?

No, now I have someone to take me to my cousin's wedding next week.

Since I broke it off with Matt,

I have no one to go with. Wanna come?

To a wedding? Isn't that something couples do?

Oh, my God, Charlie.

I just wanna get drunk, dance, and doink.

Are you coming with me or not?

Well, if it's a dance and doink kind of wedding, I'm in.

Awesome. Do you have a tie that goes with lavender?

Uh... not sure, why?

'Cause we have to match.

Right.

'Cause friends always have to match.

Hey, Patrick,

thanks for taking up three spots

with your Nissan "Assfinder."

Mister, I am not in the mood.

[ chuckles ]

I'll bet you can't remember the last time you said that.

Charlie just texted. He's running late.

So let's just start the stupid session without him.

I can sound like a shrink, so I'll run this.

Okay, Patrick,

why are you on the man rag?

Well, under the category

of things that none of you could possibly understand,

I can't figure out why, after six years,

my friend Carol has suddenly

stopped inviting me to the opera.

Maybe she got to know you.

This is fun. Okay, Nolan?

Can't be that she doesn't like opera,

'cause she's been going with me.

You? What could you possibly offer her that I can't?

Oh, my God, you're sleeping with her.

How did you know?

'Cause you're grinning like the cat that ate

the very, very old canary.

Well, I think it's great.

Older men sleep with younger women all the time

and nobody says dick.

How old is she, Nolan?

73.

Oh, my God. I wanna vomit.

Son, what is wrong with you?

Having sex with an old woman

is like doing your taxes.

You put it off until you absolutely have to.

Forget the age thing.

Doesn't anybody here see that Nolan

stole one of my very best friends?

Hey, we have a good time together.

And if you're really her friend, you'd be happy that she's happy.

No, I wouldn't.

You keep your stoner boner away from her.

I will not. I like her.

And I'm gonna keep seeing her, Patrick.

Wow. A breakthrough.

I am so much better at this than Charlie.

Muffin break.

So, Wayne, why do you feel like this other prisoner,

Ronnie "The Butcher,"

let you down?

'Cause I thought he was my friend.

But he went and escaped without me.

No call or nothing.

But you said he was killed by the guards trying to get over the fence.

That's not the point.

I don't even wanna escape.

It's just nice to be invited.

Well, sometimes, people have different interpretations

of what a friendship is.

One person may see it as a casual friendship

and another person may see it as something more.

Has that ever happened to you, Charlie?

Well, actually, I'm in a relationship right now

where there are certain ambiguities,

but we don't have time to get into all that.

Charlie, we're not going anywhere.

I'm supposed to be in a friends-with-benefits relationship

where there's no emotional investment and it's purely sexual.

Oh, yeah. We got that in prison, too.

It's called "enemies with benefits."

The point is that's all I want right now,

but I'm starting to think that this woman feels

that it's something more than that.

What's that supposed to mean, Charlie?

She invited me to her cousin's wedding

and she wants to coordinate our outfits.

Ooh! I have a test to determine your status.

You mean, kill her and then see if the cops

call it a crime of passion?

No.

When you walk into the wedding,

if she takes your hand, you're a couple.

If she puts her hand on your shoulder, you're not.

And if she puts her hand in your wallet, she robbing you.

You kids.

In my day, your best gal just wore your ring.

Boy, you sure know a lot of different positions.

[ giggles ]

Have you ever heard of the "Kama Sutra"?

No.

Is that one of those expressions from your generation?

Like the "cat's pajamas" or "grease is the word"?

No.

It's an ancient book

with a lot of sexual positions.

Well, don't tell me how it ends.

Ooh.

Did you like this evening's opera?

I guess.

Isn't there one where somebody doesn't die?

Hmm. Most of them are tragedies.

No, I mean, in the audience.

[ laughs ]

Well, opera's not very popular with young people,

but Patrick seems to like it.

I've been taking him since his mom passed.

- Oh, I didn't know that. - Mm.

So you guys are pretty close?

Yes.

Matter of fact, I think I owe him a call.

It's been a couple of days.

Or three weeks. I can't remember.

Oh, you're cute.

[ laughs ]

What are you thinking?

Nothing, uh...

tell me more about the '70s.

Oh! Well,

huge amounts of drugs,

sexual experimentation,

and a lot of going around braless.

I was talking about being in your 70s.

Well, so was I.

- Well, that was a beautiful ceremony. - Yeah.

- So do you want to get a drink? - Sure.

Let me escort you to the bar.

Hold any place you'd like.

Oh, the elbow. That's ambiguous.

Oh, my God! It's Charlie!

You brought Charlie.

So glad you can make it, Charlie.

How does she know my name?

I just posted some pictures of us on Facebook.

We took pictures?

No, I Photoshopped some stuff together.

I do that with all my friends.

Oh, well, that's... fun.

Daddy, over here.

Hi, sweetheart.

And you must be Charlie.

We've heard so much about you.

Well, thank you very much, Mr.--

I don't know your last name.

Now I know you just started dating my little girl,

but she seems to think you're something special.

Dad, you're embarrassing me.

We're just friends and we're having some fun.

It's not like we're getting married.

[ gasps ] Oh, my God, they're throwing the bouquet!

[ women screaming, applauding ]

How 'bout that? She dove for it.

- What do you think, Charlie? - Oh!

Scary, right?

I borrowed it from the bride.

You may kiss the bride.

Kidding. You may kiss the friend in a veil.

Actually, I'd rather talk right now.

Tracy, I'm afraid you might be in denial

about what you really want.

Oh, so serious.

I think somebody needs to doink in the coatroom.

Let's put that in our back pocket

and see how you feel after I tell you about

the crazy stuff I think's going on in your head.

What are you talking about?

What you call friends with benefits,

most people would call a relationship.

A committed, long-term,

high-maintenance,

color-coordinated relationship.

You sound just like Matt.

Every time we would go to the maternity ward to look at babies,

he'd think I wanted a relationship.

Well, maybe he was right.

What are you trying to say?

That I was in love with Matt?

Yes, actually.

And you probably still are.

I'm just a substitute Matt.

If Matt was chocolate, I'd be carob.

If Matt was milk, I'd be soy.

- If Matt was butter, I'd be... - I get it.

..."I Can't Believe It's Not Matt."

Sorry, that was my big finish.

Hmm, maybe you're right.

That must be why I've had to fake all my orgasms with you.

Exactly. I mean, what?

I mean, yes. That's right.

There can be no other explanation.

- Wow. - You're in love with Matt.

Nobody else in the world can satisfy you.

- Not one? - No.

All right, then, me, neither.

[ cell phone chimes ]

Oh, wow.

I'd like some ice cream and French fries, please.

We're all out, Smokey.

How 'bout some ice cream and French fries?

Oh, my God. That sounds great.

Hey, Nolan.

Oh, hey, Patrick.

I was gonna call you.

I got some sad news. Carol dumped me.

Now she'll have plenty of time to go to the opera with you.

Really, she dumped you, huh?

Why?

Why?

Oh, she wanted to do some stuff I wasn't comfortable with.

Like what?

I'm a gentleman.

I don't spank and tell.

Thank you for being so discreet.

And thank you for breaking up with her.

Where'd you get that idea?

Ah, dang!

I never should have taught her how to text.

Although she did teach me how to turn

a blood pressure machine into a vaporizer.

Hey, I forgot to tell you.

I got an e-mail from Tracy and Matt

and they got back together and they still want to be in the study.

I don't think that's a good idea.

Why?

Is it a conflict of interest?

A little bit.

Oh, no. Charlie, did you have sex with Matt?

No, but I had a wonderful time with Tracy.

But, unfortunately, I had to end it.

Why?

Did you realize you were getting all gushy and lovey-dovey

and it freaked you out?

Yes, Kate, that's exactly what happened

on planet Other-Way-Around.

Oh, you mean Opposite World.

Yeah, if you're five.

Granted, it was only three days,

but it was a very successful friends-with-benefits relationship.

Oh, was it?

Yes.

I managed to move her into her new apartment, paint it,

go to a wedding in matching outfits where I met her parents

and watched her catch the bouquet.

You're not very good at this.

Have you ever played chess before?

Not once.

Was the sex any good?

Just for me.