Original subtitles

That's a very interesting perspective, Ed.

So you see all dogs as male, all cats as female.

What I don't quite understand is how all squirrels are Jews.

Hey, everybody, sorry I'm late.

Wow.

You know you're overdressed when your walk of shame includes a suitcase.

When a guy has sex with me,

he's the one who does the walk of shame.

Wait...

No, you're right.

Just congratulate me.

I'm gonna be a pharmaceutical rep.

Pay up.

I told you she'd end up a drug dealer.

Damn.

I was sure she was gonna wind up a waitress at Hooters.

Guys, guys, how many times do I gotta tell you

stop betting on each other's lives?

Unless you wanna bet that someone's gonna succeed.

Fine. A very successful waitress at Hooters.

I don't know quite how to measure that.

If you have boobs, you're a success at Hooters.

So that thing's filled with drugs?

No, I've got six weeks of training before they give me any drugs to sell.

So you're basically you're just practicing wheeling around a bag.

So you haven't quit Sephora yet?

I would never quit Sephora.

I love them and they love me.

That's why I have to do something really horrible

so they fire me and I can collect unemployment.

You're gonna get fired on purpose

- so you can collect unemployment? - Mm-hmm.

Do you know what that makes you?

An American?

[ crying ] She's dead, Charlie.

One minute I'm talking to her on the phone

and the next minute, she's dead.

Sorry, guys, let's pick this up tomorrow.

[ sobbing ]

It's okay. It's all right, it's all right.

Just take a deep breath--

take a deep breath and tell me what happened.

Nothing. I just didn't wanna wait

till the end of your group to talk to you.

Why the hell won't you do this research study with me?

You scared my group out of here so you could talk about the study?

You won't return my texts, my calls, nothing.

Both our names are on the grant.

The institute won't let one of us do it without the other.

You've got to do this. It could make both of our careers.

There's more to life than a career, you know.

You're babbling, speak English.

We can't do this together. We can't do anything together.

You don't want a relationship, we just broke up.

Charlie, you can't pass this up.

Don't you want the book deals,

the talk shows, the acclaim from your peers?

I don't have a pathetic need for that kind of stuff,

but it's okay if you do.

And I understand that you need my help to get there...

but I'm not gonna do it.

Sorry.

You know what I think?

You're doing this to punish me.

Maybe.

[ theme music playing ]

Hey, I found a match. I can finally charge my mini disc player.

Thank God.

Now you can bring your music with you in 1997.

No, this is fantastic.

You gotta find a cord to the cassette player.

I wanna play the apology mix-tape Charlie made for me.

There's more than one if I remember correctly.

I believe there was a whole series.

I'd get a new one every month.

It was like being in the Bad Relationship Music Club.

I was just expressing my feelings the only way I knew how.

How come this one says, "Tempted by the fruit of another, me so horny"?

That-- that wasn't for you.

I'm gonna go see if Sam found anything.

When we're done, I'm taking you out for a big steak dinner.

We're celebrating-- Kate came crawling back to me today.

Oh, so we're celebrating that you two are having sex again.

No, no, she seems okay without that.

Oh, then we're celebrating that she missed you

and wants to be your friend again. That's just as important.

No, she doesn't wanna be my friend.

Okay, just for the record,

this is turning out to be a very disappointing crawling-back story.

No, no, no, no.

We're celebrating that she begged me to do the big sex study

that we got the grant for. And I said no.

You said no?

No is a very powerful word, my friend.

You should use it sometime, like when I ask you to come over

and do stupid stuff like this.

Sam found some more stuff that goes with the cords.

- Oh, my God. Is that a Barbie Dreamcorder? - Yeah.

- You know what that needs? - A little imagination and Ken to press record?

- A pink cord. - [ Jen laughs ]

And boom goes the dynamite,

I want a porterhouse.

Oh, my God. This is gonna be hilarious.

When I was five, I dressed up my dad as Tinker Bell

and we had a tea party and I recorded the whole thing.

- Give me the Dreamcorder. - Run, Sam, hide it.

I'll pay you 100 bucks if you show me later.

200 if you put it on YouTube.

You know what? I don't care what she does with it.

I looked damn good in the wings and the blue eye shadow.

Okay, so why did you turn Kate down for the study?

Because there's no grant unless we both do it.

She needed me and I wasn't gonna give her the satisfaction.

Oh, good for you, man.

She destroyed you and this is your way of letting her know.

She didn't destroy me.

I was coming from a position of strength.

I showed her that I was controlling my own destiny.

And you did that by running away and hiding from her.

Yes. What? No.

No. I'm not hiding from anybody.

You know what? I'm gonna do that study.

I'm strong, I can handle anything.

[ laughs ] Oh, my God.

The Internet is gonna fall in love with you.

You look so adorable doing your little tippy-toe dance.

That took a tremendous amount of strength.

Especially being thrown off balance by the giant fairy wings.

So whenever you feel the urge to steal,

remember to take a deep breath

and realize that this is all just part of your compulsive disorder.

It will pass.

Now give me back my fountain pen.

And my stapler.

And my phone.

By the way, you're very good. [ laughs ]

Oh, Charlie, what are you doing here?

Waiting for you to realize she just stole your watch.

She'll bring it back. She also has a guilt complex.

So, what's up?

I'm ready to do the study.

Oh, you are?

What about punishing me?

I realized that was immature.

Kinda like our entire relationship.

I'm tired of running into the same brick wall

trying to turn you into something you'll never be.

I'm over you.

Oh. Oh, good.

You're damn right it's good.

Now here's the deal--

no after hours, no going to each other's houses.

We are only there as scientists.

Right, scientists.

Comparing the relative happiness of couples

in "friends with benefits" arrangements

with couples in traditional monogamist sexual relationships.

And that's it.

Damn right that's it.

You don't have to agree to everything you propose

that I agree to.

It's redundant, okay?

You're damn right it's okay.

I will call the university

and set us up with some offices tomorrow.

I look forward to working with you.

A handshake, how professional.

Oh, and make sure you get one of those labs

that has one of those mirrors you can only see through one way.

You mean a two-way mirror.

No, a two-way mirror is one where you can see through both ways.

That's a window.

We don't want a window.

We're gonna be observing people having sex.

We don't want them looking at us.

That would be an invasion of our privacy.

Okay, this is gonna be easy.

You ask me a simple question, I come back at you over the top,

- then you demand that I get fired, got it? - Got it.

Let's do this.

Welcome to Sephora, how can I help you?

- I thought I was supposed to start? - Oh, my God. Fine.

What are you waiting for?

I'm trying to decide between the face moisturizer or the foot cream.

Who cares? Just pick one.

I care. I wanna take care of my face,

but flip-flop season's right around the corner.

Just pick something, you stupid tool!

God, how dumb are you?

I'm just trying to make a good choice.

Why do you hurt people?

I'm sorry, is there a problem?

Yeah, she just started yelling at me

because I couldn't decide between the face moisturizer

or the foot one. [ sniffles ]

I'm not dumb, you know.

Here, please, take a jar of each, no charge.

Lacey, can I see you for a minute?

I know, I'm fired. I'm gonna miss this place. I'll go get my stuff.

I can't fire you, you're Indian.

I'd be inviting a discrimination lawsuit.

Wait, so you're not gonna fire me?

I swear, I won't sue.

That's what Shaniqua and Ching-Chang said.

His name wasn't Ching-Chang.

Oh, yeah, that's in the lawsuit, too.

Thank you both for coming.

We're interviewing potential subjects for a study we're conducting

regarding sexual behavior in relationships.

We've invited couples who are either in

a traditional monogamist relationship

or in a friends with benefits relationship.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. You gonna say it like that every time?

Say what?

- You were all like, "monogamist." - No, I wasn't.

Yes, you were. Didn't you hear it that way?

Yeah, she was all kinda like,

[ mutters ] "monogamist."

See, you're already being biased.

I am not biased. It's the words.

Friends and benefits are very positive words.

You know, hey, I've got friends.

Oh, look, there's benefits.

Oh, no, I got traditional monogamy. [ groans ]

You can't put "oh, no" in front of it.

Well, I was just using it in a sentence.

Fine. I can do it this way,

hot damn, I found traditional monogamy!

Kate: Who the hell would say that?

An old-timey relationship prospector?

How 'bout we all agree to disagree?

Here, we filled out the questionnaire.

Yeah, you can shred that on your way out the door

'cause your involvement's been compromised by what you just heard.

Well, we still get that $10 iTunes gift card, though, right?

Yeah, sorry, those are only for people who make it into the study.

Yeah, those are some of the "benefits."

Anyway, we found that making

an appointment for sex has really helped our marriage.

Man: Yeah, our minister suggested it,

so now I know that every Thursday when I come home from work

and she's sipping a martini through that leather mask,

well, by gosh, it's on.

Oh, we're pretty active in the bedroom.

And we'll tell you everything.

With us, it's just sex, sex, sex.

You're just here for the iTunes gift card, aren't you?

Please, don't make us kiss.

[ clears throat ]

We're perfect for the study.

We've been married 20 years and our sex is a wonderment.

It's more than just lovemaking,

our souls are intertwined.

Afterwards,

we're both so emotionally drained,

we have to cuddle for at least an hour.

[ stifled laugh ]

What? What's happening?

I am so close

and he's just teasing me

and it's like he knows what I'm thinking

and he's not stopping

and I don't want him to stop.

Is this too much detail?

I don't think it's too much. Do you think it's too much?

No, I don't think it's too much.

I think it's right on the money.

He just has this way

of keeping me there.

And the tension is almost unbearable.

Just the way our bodies move together.

Hey, we really should go.

We're going to be late for our couples massage.

- Oh. - Let us know if we made the study.

- We'll be in touch. - Touch.

- So... - So...

I think we should take a 10-minute bathroom break.

- I only need five. - I'm good with that.

[ clears throat ] Is that fresh coffee?

I just made it.

May I...

Sure.

So that was awkward.

- What was awkward? - You know, what we just did.

I don't know what you did, but I went to the bathroom.

And that stopped being awkward when they transferred me to the big-boy potty.

Charlie, please, we were both so crazy turned on,

we both went to the bathroom and, you know,

took matters into our own hands.

I did no such thing.

Why are you denying this?

This is a sexually charged environment and, given our personal history,

this is probably going to be a problem on a fairly regular basis.

We have to figure this out.

You have to figure it out because I don't have a problem.

Well, good for you.

Damn right it's good.

[ whispers ] Wow.

You sure this is gonna work? The last time was a disaster.

Trust me. Did you bring my two cases of wrinkle cream?

Two cases? I thought we agreed on one.

Look, if you don't like the terms,

I can always take my crow's-feet and go elsewhere.

You don't have any stupid crow's feet.

And I intend to keep it that way.

Fine. Two cases.

Good. Let's do this. I have a lunch to get to.

What do you mean you won't sell me this because I'm gay?!

Is there a problem, sir?

Yes, this "young lady"

just informed me that my money is not welcome here

because of the way I was born.

- I'm so sorry, sir. - I want her terminated.

Oh, no, please, don't.

No.

Lacey, you're fired.

Pack up your stuff right now and leave.

But-- but... okay.

Oh, my God, you were right.

Told you. In the world of discrimination lawsuits,

gay beats Indian every time.

- I had no idea. - Yeah.

There should be a chart for what beats what. Like in poker.

The only way you could've beat me

is if you were a Native American-lesbian- war hero in a wheelchair.

[ chuckles ] It's a royal flush.

So, Wayne, I understand we're celebrating something.

That's right, Charlie.

Excuse me if I'm a bit giddy today,

but you'll be happy to know, as of one hour ago,

I celebrated my 30-day milestone.

30 days of no anger, that's excellent.

No, no. I was angry.

30 days of no stabbing.

- [ applause ] - Oh. I'm just kidding.

[ laughs ]

Well, good for you. It must be tough when you're surrounded by so much violence.

True that because I wanted to kill my cellmate.

It seems unfair.

I mean, everybody else was killing their cellmate,

it looked like so much fun.

You know what?

Kill him at Christmas as a gift to yourself.

That's what I did last year.

I gave myself a white supremacist... [ yells ]

Well, it's always nice to have someone to open on Christmas morning.

Well, I am proud of you, Wayne. I know how it feels

to be in close proximity of somebody you have strong feelings for.

You're tempted to do things that you shouldn't.

Oh, man, Charlie talking about that girl again.

Is it that same bitch?

Yes.

What's going on, Charlie?

We broke up.

But now we're doing a research study together about sex

and it's killing me.

I think it's very insensitive of you to bring up killing

when you know I can't do that right now.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Wayne.

The problem is this project's gonna take several months.

So every day, I'm gonna be trapped in a little room with someone

that I can't keep my hands off of.

Been there, doing that.

Don't give up, Charlie.

To be honest, I couldn't have done

30 days of stablessness on my own.

Well, thank you, Wayne. That means a lot to me.

Well, it shouldn't.

I'm talking about that big ole son of a bitch right there.

After all my stabbing,

they decided to put someone on me 24/7.

Kinda changes the dynamic having a third party observing.

It's a total mood killer.

Hey, Ryan, would you make four copies of this for me?

- Yeah, sure, Charlie. - Thank you.

Hey, good idea bringing on an intern.

The energy in here isn't as...

charged after our sex interviews.

I don't know what energy you're talking about.

I never felt any energy.

Look, I'm just saying

you did the right thing, you know?

Why can't you admit

that you brought him in because you were turned on?

Because I wasn't.

[ giggles ] So I don't turn you on at all?

Three weeks ago, you wanted to bang me when I had the flu.

The flu turns me on.

You don't.

Oh, so you'd probably be okay if I asked Ryan out tonight.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

You wanna go out with the intern?

Why do you care? There's no chemistry between us now, right?

What makes you think he even wants to go out with you?

- Ryan, do you wanna go out with me? - Hell, yeah.

Fine. Do whatever you want.

I just think an intern is beneath you.

From your lips to God's ears.

[ clicks tongue ]

- Good morning, Charlie. - Kate.

Ryan will be right in.

He's picking me up some breakfast.

Cool. So how'd your date go?

Well, you know what they say about young men. [ giggles ]

That they have no money and when you go out with them,

you have to pay for everything?

Besides that.

They're not afraid to tell you when they're turned on.

[ quietly ] And tell you and tell you and tell you.

Well, I'm happy you had fun.

Here, Charlie. I transcribed those interviews you asked for.

Boy, those people are not shy.

Thank you.

- Hi. Who are you? - Oh, I'm sorry.

Kate, this is Natalie. She's our new intern.

I figured we're gonna be so busy around here, we might need the extra help.

Nice to meet you, Kate.

Oh, please.

Hey, if you can hit on an intern, so can I. You started it.

You're bluffing.

Oh, really?

Watch this.

- Hey, Natalie. - Yeah?

- How 'bout you and I go out tonight? - No, you're old.

[ laughs ]

You know what sucks?

When you try to use someone to get back at someone

and the whole plan completely falls apart.

Hey, my part of the plan worked out pretty well.

Except for hanging out with Ryan and his roommates

for four hours playing World of Warcraft.

It turns out I'm chaotic neutral.

No, you're chaos central.

Okay, I'm ready to say it.

I was turned on the other day.

I was turned on, but I have too much pride to admit it.

- This isn't easy for me. - Yeah, well, this is hard for me, too.

- Good. - Yeah.

And I don't think threatening to sleep with our hot interns

from our steamy sex lab is the answer.

You're right. You're right.

So were you actually considering having sex with that kid?

God, no. He still sleeps on "Star Wars" sheets

and has a dorm curfew.

Oh, yeah? Well, you're old.

Okay, they're both fired.

Agreed.

So what do we do now?

So we're both just lying there covered in sweat

trying to catch our breath.

We couldn't believe what we had just done.

But I knew I wanted to do it again.

Well, thank you for coming back.

I think we can both agree

we'd like you to be part of the study.

Absolutely. That'd be great.

- Thank you so much. - Great, thank you. See you soon.

Well, I think our new system is working out great.

I agree. I feel nothing.

Neither do I.

Can I get you guys some coffee before I hit the can?

I'm gonna be awhile.

I'm gonna have to put breakfast nachos on the "don't" list.

Eh, not that one.