Original subtitles

[music playing]

[laughs]

What's so funny?

Look at the cover of this ridiculous magazine.

Harrison Ford?

Ooh, let me see that.

They're calling this ugly nerd the sexiest man on earth.

[laughing]

Well he is.

Oh, wait a minute, you actually think he's sexy?

I wouldn't kick him out of bed.

[laughing]

I would.

He's got to go out and work, and support me and the kids.

Oh, come on.

I'm sexier than he is.

Absolutely.

[laughing]

Excuse me.

[laughing]

Well, at least you think I'm sexier than he is, Mary.

Huh, Don't you?

Oh, come on, Dick.

You're sexy, but you're no Harrison Ford.

I am too, Harrison Ford.

Oh, Dick.

Well I am.

I have to get to class.

How can you possibly say Harrison

Ford is sexier than I am?

I mean just because he's got those incredible cheekbones

and that perfectly chiseled jaw, and those

penetrating brown eyes that you could almost lose yourself in--

[laughing]

--if you stare at them long enough.

Ah.

[laughing]

But I love you.

See ya, Dick.

Oh, my god!

I'm hideous!

[laughing]

[theme music]

[laughing]

OK, fine.

Lights.

Any questions, comments, anyone?

About what, Dr. Solomon?

We've been sitting in the dark for 10 minutes.

You haven't shown us a thing.

I've been showing you my face.

What do you people think of my face?

Anyone?

How about you, Bug?

Uh, excuse me, sir?

Um, your what?

My face.

My face-- do you find it appealing

in an incredibly handsome, sexiest man

on earth, sort of way?

You're sort of not my type.

How about you, Pitman-- do you find me attractive?

I'm sorry, Dr. Solomon.

The last time I answered that question in school,

one thing led to another, and then

my biology teacher wound up asking me to kill her husband.

Leon, you'll give me a straight answer.

Me?

Well, Dr. Solomon, I've always found high cheekbones

to be very attractive.

Like mine?

Actually, more like Pitman's.

What?

But what about me?

Dr. Solomon, looks are very subjective.

Is that your subtle way of telling me that you think I'm

hot.

No.

Oh, yeah, well you're not so pretty yourself.

[laughing]

Kids say the darndest things.

Why do people like this show?

Because it's so cute.

Cute?

They're just saying dopey things because they don't know better.

That's true.

I'm gonna go make a tinkle.

[laughing]

Hey, Dick.

What's with the long face?

Look, that's just the way it's shaped.

I can't help it, OK?

Whoa.

What's yanking your ponytail?

I just don't get it.

Harrison Ford and I have all the same parts-- two eyes,

two ears, a nose, and a mouth.

How come they look so much better on him?

Well you know, you could always do a little snip,

snip job.

If you're suggesting that I kidnap someone,

cut off his face, and glue it onto my own-- don't.

Because that never looks as good as it should.

I was talking about plastic surgery.

Huh?

Yeah, you know, 10 years ago I had my boobs done.

You did?

Reduced three sizes.

Plastic surgery.

Of course.

Why should I have to walk around looking like a drab lump

of clay, when I can pay someone to chisel me

into a perfect human sculpture.

You're not going to get your boobs done are you?

I just might.

This is so unfair.

If everyone could just pay to be good looking,

totally cheapens things for those of us

who are naturally exquisite.

Natural?

There's nothing natural about you,

you picked your body out of a catalog.

Mine came with a free tote bag.

[laughing]

Hey, look, little hand's picking Dick's nose.

Hey, now come on.

Now cut it out.

[catcalling]

I'm sorry I had to step out.

I was in the middle of a tattoo removal.

Apparently, this gentleman has stopped loving his mom.

OK.

Now, let's see what we can do with your face.

Can I see how I'd look with a bigger chin?

Of course.

But with a bigger chin, I'd need a bigger nose, right?

Well-- OK.

Why stop there?

Make my ears bigger.

No.

Bigger.

Even bigger.

More like an elephant. Bigger!

Bigger! - Dick!

Dick! Dick!

Dick! Dick, shh, calm down.

Sit down.

Sorry, doctor.

He's just a little over excited about the idea

of looking better.

Ha!

Well, he should be, and so should you.

I'm not getting anything done.

You're not?

Well, I'm sorry, I thought you were.

That's ridiculous.

Have you seen me?

I don't need anything done.

I could make you look a little less tired, that's all.

Less tired?

Wouldn't take much.

I look tired?

Hey doc?

What can you do for me?

Oh my god.

The symmetry of those cheekbones, that chin,

that aquiline nose.

Stop.

It tickles.

Surgically speaking, this man is perfect.

What?

But look at him-- his eyes don't even open all the way.

You know something?

You and I, we could be brothers.

[music playing]

Would you look at this?

I think I found the perfect earlobe.

Is that a beaut?

Is that a David Duchovny?

No, it's a Regis Philbin.

Really?

Nice lobes, Reg.

I don't know about this plastic surgery stuff, Dick.

I heard about a woman who had a face lift once.

They pulled her skin so tight that she couldn't blink.

One morning, her eyes dried up and fell into her Raisin Bran.

She gobbled them right down with the flakes.

So she could like, watch herself

eating her own eyeballs?

What a horrible true story.

Hey, guys.

Hey.

What's going on?

Oh, we're looking for perfect facial features,

so Dick can show the doctor what he wants to look like.

It just so happens that all the magazines

that came out this month have beautiful people

on their covers.

Talk about a coincidence.

[music playing]

Hello, gentlemen.

Oh, he's here again.

Hello, there.

I never noticed how handsome your uncle is.

Yeah, we know.

Hey.

Oh, good morning, Sally.

Morning.

How'd you sleep?

Why?

Do I look tired?

No.

Then why are you asking me how I slept?

Because it's morning.

Because I look exhausted.

Because you just woke up.

Maybe you should go.

But, Sally, I--

Please go.

Sally, I'm sorry about that whole sleep thing.

I was out of line.

[music playing]

Nina?

I just want you to know that after my surgery,

I'm going to be devastatingly handsome.

It's going to be very difficult for you

to keep your hands off me.

Oh, really?

Yeah, but no matter how gorgeous I look,

it will still be me underneath, and I'm

still not attracted to you.

And I just want you to know that if you

never came out of anesthesia, that that would be OK with me.

Thank you.

That is so sweet.

You're actually getting plastic surgery?

Yes, Mary.

Yeah, I've been thinking about this long and hard.

Well, not long, but hard.

Not even hard.

But, why?

Two words, Mary--

you.

Me?

Oh, come on, don't play dumb.

You're the one who said you wished

I looked like Harrison Ford.

I never said that.

Oh, please.

If Harrison Ford and I were both standing in this room right

now professing our undying love to you, who would you choose?

- Oh, don't be silly. - Who?

Is he divorced?

You see!

Oh, Dick, this is the face I fell in love with.

This is the face I'm still in love with.

Do you mean it?

I do.

Yeah, nice try, Albright.

[laughing]

All right, Dick, you ready?

Good.

Here we go.

[music playing]

[gasps]

Good work, Tommy.

That's exactly how I want you to remove

the gauze after my surgery.

Wait a minute.

You're really going to stop with the face?

What do you mean?

- Take off the robe. - What?

Take it off!

What is that?

What?

Well, first of all, this whole area needs to be sucked out.

You think?

Who's the handsomest guy here?

You.

All right.

And, uh, let's not forget about the pectoral implants.

Yeah.

Now, should we go in, uh, maybe through the armpits,

or the nipples?

I'd remove the nipples.

What?

Remove them completely? - In a second.

Yeah.

But then, I'd sew them back on, up here.

- That's not a little high? - No.

No.

They'll extend the torso, and make the whole package

appear leaner.

I see.

Well, if you're going to do that,

might as well put them up here.

- On the shoulders? - Why not?

I like it.

That's good.

And let's remove a couple ribs, shall we?

I hate my ribs.

Oh, and, uh-- right about here.

What's that for?

That's for later.

Unbelievable.

Look at all these magazines.

Everything revolves around the beautiful people.

They have it all.

I mean, how are the rest of us supposed to compete?

Well you got a big hunk of celery in your teeth,

and that won't help.

Thanks.

Look at this-- every beautiful woman is with a beautiful guy.

Yeah, we do tend to gravitate to our own kind.

Man, how did a gorgeous guy, like Don, end up

with a double bagger, like me?

It's a brainteaser.

It's wrong.

It is wrong, Harry.

I mean, this-- this is the life Don should be living.

He should be the dude with the hot babe on his shoulders.

And he should be on the jet ski with a menthol cigarette

in his mouth.

But he's not, because I'm dragging him down.

I'm dragging my beautiful Donny down.

You know, I didn't want to say anything, but you totally are.

Thanks, Harry.

Now I know what to do.

All right.

We'll see you later.

Well, Hello.

[laughing]

Dick, we'll be ready for you in a few minutes.

Are you nervous?

Well, a little.

Don't be.

Plastic surgery is going to improve your life.

It did mine.

You had plastic surgery?

Oh, no, but it did buy me a yacht.

Well old face, this is the last time I'll be seeing you.

I'd say goodbye, but good riddance is more like it.

Look at his forehead, all mottled

and wrinkled from years of tortured thoughts,

and gentle ruminations.

I'm certainly not going to miss that.

Or this chin, for that matter, all scratched and scarred

from shaving in a rush so often, trying to get to work on time,

or to Mary's house to pick her up for a date.

I remember this one.

I was rushing off to take her on a picnic.

It started to rain, so we had to eat wet tuna

sandwiches in an outhouse.

That was so nice.

So good bye old chin.

You'll be facing the laser soon.

And goodbye to you, old nose.

And take care, old ears.

And you too, old lips.

Take care of yourselves, eyes.

Oh, my god.

What am I doing?

All right, Dick, we're ready for you now.

Well, we're not ready for you.

What?

I'm not going to change his face.

This face is a scrapbook dedicated to who I am.

Dammit!

And by god, I am gorgeous!

No, you're not.

Screw you!

[music playing]

Don.

Hey, Sally.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Sure, what's going on?

I think you know.

I think you've known for a long time.

I really don't.

Come on, Don, stop pretending.

I mean, you and I both know that a relationship cannot last

when one of the people looks like me,

and the other looks like you.

Dammit!

I knew one day, you'd wake up and realize what was going on.

Don't kick yourself, Donny.

We gave it our best shot.

I thought we were beyond looks, Sally.

Come on, Don.

Look at you.

How could we get beyond that?

Yeah, I guess so.

Don't get me wrong.

I appreciate your kindness.

Not many men would hang in there with a gal as unattractive

as me.

What?

Don't make me spell it out for you, Don.

I know I'm as ugly as they come.

I don't even know how you could stand to look at me.

Well, Sally, I'm not going to lie to you--

it's been hard.

It's been a real struggle.

And granted we'll continue to get stares out in public,

but that's a price I'm willing to pay, because I love you.

Oh.

Oh, Donny!

Thank you.

Well Mary, what do you think?

You didn't get anything done.

No.

Look Mary, I know how much you wanted

me to have that surgery--

I didn't want you--

No, no, no.

But when I got in there, I realized this face, is my face.

It's like a museum of my life, especially my life with you.

So if you've grown tired of this dusty, drafty, old museum,

maybe you should just go to the Guggenheim.

Dick, I know what you're going through.

I've been there myself.

You have?

Yes, as a matter of fact, a few years ago

I was thinking about having some work done on my nose.

Your nose?

Yes, I thought if it was just a little longer, maybe--

But I love your nose.

You do?

The way it scrunches up when you smile.

It really does?

And those ears--

I love it when you let me nibble on them.

I kinda like that too.

And those eyes are two clear, blue windows into the deepest

soul I've ever known.

Oh, Dick.

Oh, Mary.

Sorry about the lights, my coffee maker blew a circuit.

I'm going to check the breaker.

[laughing]

My god, you're beautiful.

So are you.

Yeah, I know.

[music playing]

You know, they say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder,

when in reality, it's in the eye of the beholdee.

Well, what are you saying?

If I think I'm attractive, I actually am?

No, Tommy.

Not you, me.

Not you.

You know what I realized?

It's not important what you look like.

What's important is who you are on the inside.

[laughing]

That's hilarious.

- Where'd you hear that one? - Leno?

No, no. I made it up myself, I swear.

You should write for Leno.

I know.

Well, I for one am tired of being handsome.

You know all people see when they look

at me is a pretty face, and then they end up

treating me like I'm an idiot.

You are an idiot.

See, that's what I'm talking about.

Forget it.

I'm not going to be handsome anymore.

You can't just stop being handsome, Harry.

Oh no?

[laughing]

[music playing]