All language subtitles for s1-5fhsh en

PUDDLE: Even though they
called it The Wilde Estate.

It was pretty peaceful
on our first full day there.

Come on,
keep them quiet.

(HORSE WHINNIES)

Shh! Not
so much rattling.

And Steve wanted
us to love it.

(WHISTLING) Emmy.

Wake Up!

Hey, bring the coffee.

But my mom and I
were already up.

Oh, you've got
to be kidding me.

We had been in town,
where she was enrolling me
in my new school.

Cool.

When they open the door,
I want them to see the ham.

Steve.
Oh, Emmy.

You're up. Hi.
Hey, guys, Emmy's up.

No need to be
quiet anymore.

What is all of this?

Well, I just wanted
to welcome you

to your beautiful,
new, serene...
LUNT: Oh, God!

Ham!

Lunt!
My bad!

Steve, this is
all very sweet.

But you know that there
are only two of us, right,

and one of us is 12?

Which is why we have
the 12-and-under
waffle trolley,

for which you
just barely qualify.

There's a waffle trolley?

There's a waffle trolley.

Look, the child
is starving.

Yes, she is.
We walked five miles

because I couldn't
find my car.

That's because it's gone,
and in its place,

a new car.

My car is gone?

Don't worry.
I recycled.

And the metal cube
it was crushed into
is now a coffee table.

Where is that new car?

Man, is that quiet.
Migo, where's the car?

This is it, boss.
It's a Volt.

I thought she'd like it
because it's electric!

And plus,
it's very sporty, no?

I said to get
a real car,

not some giant
electric toy car.

I'm sorry,
we'll get you
a real one.

Puddle, you can
have this thing.

Yay!

No, Steve, she can't
have a car. She's 12.

Boo.
Don't complain.

It got you into
the waffle trolley.

And, Steve,
you can't go around

giving me huge
gifts like...

So, really,
you just plug it in?

I mean, is that
how that works?

You can plug it
into a household...

This is
a three-hour charge.

It's the wave
of the future.

No, no, no.
Steve, wait.

I appreciate everything
you're doing here.

It is... It's thoughtful.
It's generous.

Well, it was until
Mr. Fat Fingers

couldn't hold on
to a ham long enough
to get it up into a tree.

Steve, it's an
eight-pound ham!

You'll throw out
your back!

Oh, God.

Ham!

Oh, great,
it's my one
nice shirt.

(LAUGHS) Yeah, yeah.
It's your one nice...

Really nice shirt.

Oh, it's not
my only shirt.

The rest of my clothes
are in the backseat of my...

Oh!

You need new clothes?

STEVE: Well, now that we've
had a delicious breakfast,

and it's time to get
dressed for the day,

I thought that we should
review some new options.

Now, remember,
these are sized
for the models.

So we'll obviously
alter them for your
particular needs.

I know
it's kind of lame,

but we couldn't get
any actual models
to get up this early.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Steve, again, I'm going
to assume this was
very well-intentioned,

but this is exactly
the kind of thing

I don't want my
daughter exposed to.

Fashion and pop culture
and women being objectified.

Oh, well,
after Dolores,

the next few aren't
technically women.

Don't worry.
The outfits
will work on you.

Of course,
you'd look good
in anything.

Heck, you'd look
good in nothing.

Steve, the fact
that you think I'd
want a fashion show

points out
how very little
you know about...

Now that is cute.

Yeah, picture it without
the kitchen gloves.

No, that's
what makes it fun.

Right?

No, what am I doing?

(MUSIC STOPS)
What is this
doing to Puddle?

You know what?
She's a great kid,

and she's not used to
all of this opulence.

She is very happy
with very little.

PUDDLE: I had to do something,
or I'd seen my last waffle.

He doesn't know
any better, Mom.

I don't.

He wants to change...
I do.

But just doesn't know how.
I don't.

I'm not worried
about Steve, okay?
I'm worried about you.

Me?
Her?

Me? I'm fine.
I don't care
about this stuff.

Steve could give
those clothes

to the homeless
or something, right?

Sure. Look, Emmy,
I'm not saying
that my life works.

It doesn't,
but I want it to.

I think that there's
a real opportunity
here for both of us.

And I want
to use it.

I don't want to end up
some shallow cad
who just uses lame lines

on women like...
You didn't think
it was sexy

when I said that
you'd look good
in nothing?

Oh, that was supposed
to be sexy.

Okay, you're right.

I mean, I moved in here
because you asked me

to help you become
a better person,

to lead a more
responsible life.

And if you're serious...

I am.

Then I guess
now is as good time
as any to start.

You know
what we could do?

We could take all
of that breakfast food,

we could go down
to the shelter, and
we could feed everybody.

Yeah. I don't care
about fancy waffles.

Or 10 different
kinds of syrups.

There were syrups?

You didn't
try the... Migo!

Yeah, boss.

Can you get that
waffle trolley back
in here, please?

On it.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

PUDDLE:
Steve set to work
to show my mother

he could be the man
she wanted him to be.

You're disappointed.

Oh, please.

I can wear
Escada anytime.

I'm more worried
about you.

Every time you try
to have any kind of fun,

that woman is
just going to
tinkle all over...

Hey, hey, hey.

Well, she's as plain
as Maine, and you
were only trying to help.

Hey, he's
overreacting, right?

I mean, change
can be good.

Maybe I do need
to change.

Oh, you definitely
need to change.

Your life has
very little purpose.

I just don't think
you're going to
succeed.

Hey, my life has a purpose.
It's winning over Emmy.

I mean, let's face it,
I've spent a lot of time
as a Playboy partyer.

I don't remember one
truly happy moment.

PUDDLE:
That doesn't mean
he didn't have them.

(ALL CHEERING)

WOMAN: He's got a sword!

(BOTTLE BREAKS)

(ALL CHEERING)

STEVE: You know,
I'm actually looking
forward to living with less.

So I should cancel
the big, giant party
this weekend?

Well, no, obviously
we can't do that,

not with Fa'ad
living next door.

PUDDLE:
Steve and Fa'ad
had always competed

over who threw
the best parties.

It started when Fa'ad
wanted to throw a party

but had nothing to celebrate.

So Steve threw an even
more pointless one

about the onset of
daylight standard time.

Fa'ad countered with
a daylight-savings party.

And finally,
Steve threw a party

that celebrated having
nothing to celebrate.

No, the unnecessoiree
has become the most

meaningful meaningless
party of the year.

Of course.
It's the deepest
shallow thing you do.

But it's just going to
prove to Emmy that
you can't change.

Well, what am
I supposed to do?

I can't cancel it,
especially since Fa'ad

has started throwing
his party on the same night.

PUDDLE: Yeah, Fa'ad figured,

"What could be more
unnecessary than
another unnecessoiree

"on the same night?"
(FA'AD EXCLAIMING)

So if Fa'ad finds out
that I'm canceling
my party,

he will swoop in
on my guest list like...

FA'AD: Like
one of my falcons?

(EXCLAIMING)

Does anybody have
a dead mouse on them,
by any chance?

No matter.

So sorry to overhear
that your party
won't be happening, Steve.

But, uh,
I have to admit,
I assumed as much.

What, with that family
of environmentalists

living in your tree house
like so many falcons.

(EXCLAIMS)

(SIGHING) Ever since
they found that ham,
they've been untrainable.

In any event,
I want you to know

that you're welcome
to be a guest
at my, I suppose,

now slightly
more necessary
unnecessoiree.

Yes, well, I have
a very large property.

Emmy never needs to know.

And I'm sure the woman
goes to sleep
at the crack of 10:00,

which means that
she'll be long gone

by the time
my first guest arrives.

No, no. My party
will be a huge,
happy success.

Yes. Unless one of us
was unlucky enough
to say something stupid.

Yes, but something stupid

is the last thing
either of us would say.

And you'll never
tell Emmy.

Yes. Of course.

The last thing
you said was,
"You'll never tell Emmy."

So here's hoping that's
not the stupid last thing.

Don't, okay?

Don't tell Emmy
about my party.

May God tear
my eyes out if I do.

Wait, don't you
mean Allah?

Whatever. Aha!
(SCREAMING)

PUDDLE:
In the jungle,

we would've called this
ata oka, or bad omen,

but Steve just went
back to thinking

about where to
put the party tent.

Steve set to work on
what he was hoping
would be a secret party.

What are these
tents for?

Well, I guess
I can tell you.

I'm kind of throwing
a big party.

Steve, you said
you'd be less
extravagant.

Go buy these
giant tents?

Oh, no.
I didn't buy them.

They come free with
Whitney Houston.

By the way,
I'm gonna need your
help lying to your mom.

You know how I'm not
really very good at
lying to your mom.

It's gonna get
pretty intense.

EMMY: What's
gonna be intense?

Whitney Houston
and the VIP Room.

Man, do you
get up early.

You're having a party,
and, what, you were going
to try to keep it from me?

Steve.

I just know how much
you don't like "fun."

I like fun.

No, I'm just
talking about how
you're "not fun."

I am fun.

Stop doing the quotes.
God, I'm fun.

I hate it when people
say I'm not fun,
because I am fun.

Remember those parties
I used to throw

in the tree house
in high school?
That was fun.

Those were parties?

We just have
a different
definition.

You know what?
Listen, I was a kid.

You can't expect
a kid to have fun.

PUDDLE:
This is the woman
who's raising me.

Anyway,
I was a little
15-year-old nerd.

I am not the same
person today.

And I'm not the same
super-cool,
rocking-it-out, party...

Oh, I guess
I still kind of am.

Look, you're gonna
hate this party, okay?

There's just way
too much
excess and waste.

I'll just cancel it.
Don't cancel it.

Just do it without
all the excess and waste.

Well,
those two things,
they're kind of

like the backbone
of the unnecessoiree.

You can help him,
right, Mom?

PUDDLE: That was
my first mistake.

If he wants me to, sure.

Of course he does,
right, Steve?

This was my second mistake.

Sure. Yeah. I just
want the people wasted,
not the food.

You can have a very
fun party without
everyone getting wasted.

(LAUGHS) That's like
your joke about
your one nice shirt.

That turned out
not to be a joke.

Here's what we do.
We take what
you already have.

We just scale it down.

Great. Yes.
I love that.
We scale it down.

So this is what
we have so far.

Obviously we can just add
anything to it as we go.

Just keep looking.

Steve, add
anything to it?

I mean, this is
a bowl of Cristal.

Isn't that
kind of pricey?

It is, which is why
I didn't want to fill

the actual pool with it
three days
before the party.

That would be wasteful.

See, your mom's
having a positive
effect on me already.

This is supposed to
be the actual pool?

No, no,
I scaled it down,
like you asked me to.

Can I play with
one of your dolls?

Oh, no, no, no.
Those aren't
gonna be dolls.

Believe me,
after the party,

you're not gonna want
to go anywhere near her.

Here's what I'm thinking,
a lot of this already

feels too big.
Small.

It's big.
It's small.

And it's big.
It's very small.

It's big.
Small.

Small?
Big.

Impersonal.
It is big.

I'll tell you
what we do.

We do the shopping
ourselves.

Okay, great.
We find a discount store.

If they even have them.

We buy in bulk.
We get everybody's
favorite stuff.

Let's do this. Okay.
Let's do it.

My God, discount stores?

Why don't we just slather
everything and everyone
in mayonnaise?

Do you think
she'd go for that?

Yeah, that sounds great.

Now we're having a party!

PUDDLE:
I'd never seen anything
like the place we went to.

I think we were all
a little overwhelmed.

Oh, my God.

This place is
as big as a village.
House.

This is so cool.
Can I get
one of these?

Yeah, I don't think
you can get one of
anything in this place.

Check it out.
They got a five-gallon
vat of mustard here

that costs as much
as those little packets

Migo used to get me
from that Yankee Stadium.

Yeah, I think
the smaller it gets,
the more expensive it is.

Like horses.

EMMY: Okay, Steve,
look, focus.
We're here for the party.

Now, I say
we do
Swizzlers,

because they're cheap,
and everybody loves them.

So we've taken
care of that.

Wait, no, no, that's it?

No, I think my friends
are going to expect

a little bit
more than that.

No, if people
aren't going to
be loosened up,

how can we have
the couple that has
the one big fight

and then makes
a big scene at
the end of the party?

I mean, that's...

Don't you think
that...

We both think
that's fun, right?

Yeah. But if I
would've known that,
I would've made some

of my famous
Amazonian jungle
hooch.

Don't have the right worms.

You know what?
They have a whole
wall of champagne.

And I'm sure
it's fairly priced.

Well, that's a great call.
Yes, let's get a wall full
of champagne.

I was thinking, like,
one or two bottles.

I was afraid that that's
what you're thinking.

Okay, I'm a little worried
that we're kind of going...

What's the word?
"Under-board"
with this thing.

I mean, we want
people to have fun
at the party, right?

Okay, I get it.
You don't think
I'm fun.

And you know what?
I might not be fun.

So why don't you
do the party
the way you want it,

and I will get off
your back?

No, no, no.
I want you on my back.

Heck, I want you
on your back.

No, what I'm saying
is the Swizzlers
are great.

Let's get some mustard.
How about a pallet of chips?

(SIGHS)

Don't give me
that look, Migo.
He asked me to do this.

I know, but a man
can only change so much.

And, yes,
I overcharged him
for a thing or two.

But I care about him.

I just don't want to
see anybody get hurt,
that's all.

STEVE: Are you
(BLEEP) kidding me?

These chips
are a dollar a bag!

God, you're going
to ruin everything!

(SCREAMS)

Well, I'm a little worried
for your party, my friend.

If this is the best
that you can do,

I worry that
the reputations...

Oh, I don't have
the energy for
this charade.

It's brilliant.

It'll make my party seem
as worthless as one of your
American college degrees.

I'm actually quite
optimistic about
my party.

I think that...
Oh, I don't have

the energy
for this charade.

My party's gonna be worse

than your dumpster
full of stillborn foals.

Stillborn foal...

Oh, I don't have
the energy for
this charade.

Hey, does it seem
like we're unusually
tired today?

It has come up a lot.

Nevertheless,
you've painted
a forest red,

and you're bringing in
a huge wild animal
death chamber of some sort.

That's not a forest.
It's just a plastic drum

filled with something
so inexpensive,

it can't even call
itself liquorice.

There's a step
below liquorice?
Apparently.

Well, why not build it
into a forest?

It's not a forest.
It's... It's not
a scale model.

This is the sum total
of the extravagance
of my party.

But what of the giant
cocaine-covered orgy dome?

That is something called
the hostess snowball.

So the hostess
goes in there and...

It's not a place.

None of this is a place.

It's just...
It's just food.

Steve, Steve! Steve,
you're ruining it!

You're ruining the world!
It's food!
No, it's just food!

No, not the orgy dome!

No, it's pennies!
It doesn't matter!

Well, if it is pennies,

then what about
the giant dirigible
head of...

Oh, my, is that me?

That's a balloon
from a child's movie,
you fool.

You can get a trillion
of them for a dime
at this garbage store

that Emmy took me to.

Well, I wanted
your party to fail,

but not so badly
that nobody would come

to one of our
parties ever again.

Steve, you have to
cancel this party.

PUDDLE: What?
No, you can't.

Steve, my mom finally
thinks you can change.

Oh, I can change.

I can change everything
on this table into so much...

I can change everything
on this table into
so much...

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(BOTH EXCLAIM)

Why are we so tired?
I don't know.

Perhaps it was
your trip
to the store.

Yes, and all
your recent
hawk attacks.

Steve, you can't
give up on it now.

You were the guy
that was able to get

people to celebrate
having nothing
to celebrate.

Why don't you try
to convince people
that it's fun...

To not have fun.

Yes.

What the child
seems to be saying

is that even though
the food at the party
might be awful...

The irony will be
so delicious

that the party will
be a huge success.

Now I'm getting
worried that I may
be going overboard

with my giant
walk-in snowball

and team of
snowball hostesses.

You already
stole that idea?

I texted my guy
as soon as I saw it.

But now I'm thinking

perhaps I'll just
serve a bowl
of Raisinets.

(LAUGHS)
No.

Don't, okay?
I'm really starting
to like my party theme.

Please don't steal it.

I won't.

PUDDLE: And so
everything was set.

Steve was going to
have the most necessary
unnecessary party

that anyone's ever had
fun not having fun at.

FA'AD: Oh, Steve...

I am going to
serve Raisinets.

(LAUGHS)
(BIRD SCREECHING)

(SCREAMS)

Hawk attack.

PUDDLE: On the night
of the party,

Steve was finding out
that convincing people
not having fun

is not only ironic, but fun,

was ironically not fun.

What's with this party?

Steve usually has
the best of everything.

Do you get it?
Irony.
Do you get it?

Serving the worst
of the best.

Do you get it?
Do you get it?

WOMAN: Oh. Oh!

So how's it going?

I think they're
getting it.

I don't know.
That's the thing
about irony.

It can be so...

Subtle.

But she can't know.

Wow.
Wow.

Great.
Great.

Great party.

Really great.
Great. Great.

The only thing
your friends
are not

getting into is
the nonalcoholic beer.

That's 'cause so few
of us are nonalcoholics.

Hey, you know what?
Since we're having
so much fun...

Mmm-hmm?

What do you say
we crank it up a notch?

What do you mean?

I could still
hire a band
or Whitney Houston.

That won't be excessive.
She'll never deliver.

Or we could
get Jake Busey

to drive your Volt
into the pool
or something.

I think Jake
lives upstairs.

I actually think
we've had enough fun.

I think it's about time
to put the icing on the cake.

Oh, good, so that's not
the icing that we're using...

My slideshow.
And that.

Yes. And don't you
think it would be
better to start

with the funny cake
instead of the funny
slideshow?

Funny? Oh, no, no.
It's not funny.

It's about my life
in the Amazon,

the hardships,
the struggles
of the people.

Let's put some
meat on this bone.

Irony is I've been
trying to do that

since the day
you got here.

Hello, Steven.

How are you
finding your party?

Because I can't.

I shouldn't joke.
I did steal
your party theme.

Oh, no, did you go
for the discount,
Swizzler,

garbage-party
theme too?

Oh, God, no.

I finally had some
sense pecked, scratched,
and clawed into me

and realized that people
just wouldn't get it.

So I went with
my original,
your original idea,

the orgy dome
and whatnot.

Attention, everybody.

Um...

We all have so much.

But now I would
like to show you
a presentation

of some people
who have so little.

Well, I must be going.

I can't keep my
ecstatic guests waiting.

Oh, no, wait,
Emmy will be
devastated.

I'm asking you
as a friend,

please just stay
till the end of
her presentation

and act like
you're having
a good time at my...

Interminaball?
Fine.

I'll be stiffly watching
from over there
by that coat rack.

I have been living
in Peru for
the last six years,

very far from
the comforts

and the pampered
life of Neverwood.

For those of you who have
a squeamish stomach,
(SIGHS)

you may want to
step out for
the sequence entitled

"When Left Untreated."

Lights!

PUDDLE: And that's
when things went
really south.

EMMY: Seven Years
In the Jungle

In Just Under
Seven Hours
by Emmy Kadubic.

Just look at
the misery in this
impoverished village.

Here's some more misery.

Here I've got
a wider angle
of the misery.

And just as the birds
regurgitate the worms...

PUDDLE: Things went
from bad to worse.

EMMY: To feed
their young,

here we see the tribe
members themselves

regurgitating the birds
they've eaten
to feed their families.

PUDDLE: Steve was
trying to be a friend,

but he was the only one.

This is a nightmare.

I honestly think
you're the only one

I can count on
as a friend
to stick around...

And you're a balloon!

And then came slide 279.

EMMY: So once
the weights
have been released,

Makunta now sports
the pagantu of a man

and not the pacunta
of a boy.

MAN: Oh, my God!
What the hell is...

Unfortunately,
this one did
get infected.

No, no, no! Lights! Lights!
What the hell are you doing?

Steve, we're at a party.

No, we're not.
The party's over.
There is no party.

Well, I hope you're not
blaming me for that.

Of course I am.

You drove everybody
out with slide 279.

It's not my fault
if your friends
didn't like your party.

Of course
it's your fault.

I turned myself inside out
trying to convince everybody

that this awful party
was somehow ironic.

I don't even know
what that means?

Neither do I,
but it happened.

You asked me
to do this.

You're the one
who wanted to
totally change me.

You wanted me
in this fancy dress,

so what, I'd fit in
with your rich friends

and your fine wines
and your fancy breakfasts

and your stupid,
big, giant...

Oh, you're not
gonna be able to...

(DISHES SHATTERING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Wow, you are
really not tired.

(LAUGHS) I get
a lot of sleep.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Well, I guess we were
the couple who lost it
at the party.

I'm just happy
that you're willing

to refer to us
as a couple now.

I'm not.

I'm kidding. Come on.

I'm sorry.

I think I'm still
intimidated to be here.

It doesn't matter
how many years
I've been away.

The second
I get back here,

it's like
I'm the housekeeper's
daughter again.

It just brings out
the worst in me.

I feel really bad
that I ruined
your wonderful party

for no good reason.

For no good reason.

You didn't ruin it.

Honestly, I've never even
had fun at these things.

Maybe if I'd had
you to...

Hang out with after?

Yeah.

I'm asking you to change,
so maybe I need to be open

to changing a little
bit as well.

Maybe I need to
learn to have
a little bit of fun.

I love this idea.

In many ways, I prefer it
to me becoming less fun.

What do you say
we head over to Fa'ad's
and have a drink?

I would love that.
That'd be a lot of fun.

After all,
you sat through
half a slideshow

about the real
Emmy Kadubic.

I should go to a party
that shows me
the real Steven Wilde.

You're telling me
there's another half

of the slideshow
that's all about you?

Man, I want
to learn more.

Hey, lights.