All language subtitles for s1-12turj en

PUDDLE:
When I moved here
from the rain forest,

I stupidly thought
I'd never have to
see the rain again.

When's it gonna stop?

Who do I look like,
a weatherman?

PUDDLE:
He actually did look
like a weatherman.

A guy named
Storm Trenton on WZHN.

...as the old
weak neck seawall
finally said "see y'all."

So it looks like we have
our very own tiny little
New Orleans down there,

and I think that calls
for one of Storm Trenton's
famous sun dances.

(RHYTHMIC GRUNTING)

Come on,
do it at home!

Ah, Steve. So,
I noticed that this new
restaurant opened up

down by
where the old
seawall gave way,

and the lines are
around the block.

I think it was
called "Fe-ma".

No, I think it's "FEMA".

No, I think
it is "Fe-ma".

French-Polynesian fusion.

Well, it gave me an idea.

What are people
most in the mood
for after a flood?

A new hospital?

BOTH:
A nightclub.

A nightclub?

You have to assume
that their wine cellars
were destroyed.

Where else are
they gonna drink?

And their sound
systems have probably
lost their woofers.

And we've always
dreamed of owning...

BOTH: A nightclub.

So I got in touch
with a building firm

who've done some very
arresting developments
for us out in the Middle East,

and I had them
design something.

I told them
it had to be both
western and modern,

and this is what
they came up with.

STEVE: It's a
four-sided triangle.

FA'AD: Pulsating,
multi-level,

9,000 square foot
super club rising
from the swamp!

Multi-leveled?

Yes, I want to have
a gay balcony upstairs.

What about
a bisexual
mezzanine?

Well, now that you
mention it, you
certainly have me curious.

We could call it
"Swamped" , because that's
what we'll hope to be.

That has two meanings.

Oh, yes, because
we're on a morass.

Talk about a name
with two meanings.

"More ass," because
that's what we'll
get if we own this!

So shall we
talk numbers?

Well, I don't think
that's appropriate

with the little one
sitting right here.

That's okay. I think
I'd rather go watch
that weatherman dance.

I'm definitely in.

But unlike this property
that we're building on,

I'm not very
liquid right now.

Got to trim
some of the fat.

Lunt!

Steve, I'm only nine
years from retirement,

and I raised you.

Oh, you watery old goat.
I meant set up a meeting
with Marty the accountant.

Well, that's a relief.

I was starting to get
that heart attack taste.

Where are
those cappuccinos?

I still can't find
the cappuccino maker.

I'll get coffee.

I have got to
get rid of him.

Well, you'd
better do it
quickly.

You're gonna need all
the money you can get.

Well, look who's
an eavesdropper.

Said the woman who
clearly just climbed
out of the sewer.

FA'AD: The area is
completely devastated.

The people have
nowhere to go.

Oh, my God. I was just
there. Are you talking
about the swamp?

No, well,
we're calling it
"Morass" now.

Out of curiosity,
how'd you hear
about our nightclub?

TV, internet,
or other?

Nightclub?

I assumed you were
talking about helping
the victims of the flood.

This sounds like
a very bad idea, guys.

Well, I'm sure Fe-ma
had its naysayers too.

I'm gonna go
make some calls
and clean up.

Wait, why are you
covered in mud?

If you want to help those
people, you ought to
come out and help us dig.

We're gonna
start digging
tomorrow around 6:00.

LUNT: I'm
sure you're a
natural digger.

Honestly, I would
love to, but I just
don't like getting my...

Hands dirty?

You want to let
someone else do
the dirty work in your life

like you
always have.
Come on.

That is
a great idea.

Migo, take the day
off tomorrow and help
Emmy dig some mud.

No, Steve,
I do not accept.

Oh, shoot,
I really
wanted to go.

Migo can volunteer
himself tomorrow.

Oh, yeah,
I don't think I can
get off work now.

Steve, the reason
to volunteer is to make
yourself feel good.

I mean, you have
no idea the sense
of satisfaction

you get from
helping people in need.

I mean, everybody
wants to do it.

PUDDLE:
Well, not everybody,
as it turns out.

...but one thing
we can really guarantee

is a great night's sleep,
knowing that you've help...

(DIAL TONE)

Fine. Stay up
all night.
See if I care.

Why don't you
just give up?

It's really
not that hard.

I mean, once we
drain the land...

You're gonna
drain Steve's
bank account.

Oh, for all I know,
you've stolen the blender.

Where the hell's
the blender?

You have been
on me ever
since I got here,

and I don't
know why.

All I've ever tried
to do was help Steve
lead a happier life.

All you've done is
to try and get him
to part with his money.

If anything,
I've done
the opposite.

I was just
telling him

that investing in
a nightclub in a swamp
would be a waste of money.

That would actually
make him happy.

But that would mean
there's less money for you

when you finally
get engaged to Steve.

Oh, so you not
only think I want
to marry Steve,

but that I'm also
a gold digger.

(SCOFFS)

Okay, I can't
even let myself be
offended by that,

because it's so insane.

Is it?

Don't say "is it" like
that's some kind of

opposite proof
of everything
I just said.

Isn't it?

Don't say "isn't it"
like "is it" is proof

that I wasn't just
saying exactly the...

You really have
to stop with this.

And don't say
"do I" and walk away.

Right, because
you want to say "I do"
to Steve and walk away.

Walk away? So you think
I want to marry him
so I can divorce him?

I'm telling you,
if you don't like me

because you think
I'm after Steve's
money, you're wrong.

Then prove it.
Sign a prenup.

A prenup?
A prenuptial
agreement.

One that says
if you marry Steve
and divorce him,

you won't go
after his money.

Nobody will see it.

There'll only
be one copy,

and it'll go right
to the city registrar.

Steve will never
even know.

Then you have nothing
to lose if you sign.

And nothing to gain.
Sorry. (SCOFFS)

I'll help you dig.

I can get you
five firm men to help.

And ten if they
include their partners.

PUDDLE:
And that's how my mom signed
the most ironclad prenup

anyone had ever seen.

Looks like there's
some usefulness
in old Mr. Lunt yet.

PUDDLE:
Steve was going
over his plans

for the nightclub he hoped
to build with Fa'ad.

Originally,
the club was gonna
be for the poor,

but now we're just
thinking we'll let them
into the bottom floor.

And it's based
on the actual
Great Pyramid of Luxor.

I am curious
about the bisexual
mezzanine.

But I think
I would be doing you
a great disservice

if I told that this
was a good idea.

Look, I know
that nightclubs are
a risky investment,

but this is built
on a swamp!

And it's not one of those
discount land deals.

No, no, we're paying
full price for the property.

I'm sorry, Steve.
I don't know where we're
gonna get the money for this.

Well, couldn't we
squeeze a few dollars
out of the mansion?

PUDDLE:
Ironically, Andy was upstairs
trying to do the same thing.

Yeah, it's a Brummel
C4-11 microwave.

And I want to return it
for cash because
I've never used it.

It's still in the box and...
(MICROWAVE BEEPING)

Uh, a truck's backing up.

Andy...
Is that Steve's
microwave?

And his cappuccino maker?

Yeah!
I stole them.

Pig probably thinks
he still has them.

Well, technically,
he does. They're
still in his house.

That's why it's
the perfect crime.

Oh, there's
our microwave.

You didn't have
to drag that
up the steps.

We'd be happy
to get you one
of your own.

(WHISPERING)
He's calling
the cops.

We'll blame it on the kid!
They can't arrest her.

She doesn't have
any priors, does she?

No, Andy,
he's being nice
to me now.

And we're not
sending my
daughter to jail.

Why is he being
nice to you?

Because he finally
knows I'm not after
Steve's money.

That's great!
Check this out.

I stole Pig's pennies.
There must be
300 bucks in here.

Easily enough
to pay for my
knee surgery

I'm gonna need for
nudging the dishwasher
into the crawlspace.

No, I mean, I finally
made it clear to him that
I'm not interested in Steve.

That you and I are
engaged, and we have
this deep connection,

and that I would
never go after
Steve for his money.

And he bought it?

Of course he bought it.
It's the truth.

I even signed a prenup.

A prenup? Emmy!

Well, now
you can't
marry him.

I don't want to.

But I thought
that was our big
unspoken backup plan.

You know, you tease
him a little,

and then you
get married,

and then he'd divorce
you the next day

because you wouldn't have
honeymoon sex with him.

And then you get
a big fat settlement,

and we'd use the
money for good.

I mean, now you don't
even have to tease him!

First of all,
I would never do
something like that.

And Steve doesn't
even know about it.

Of course he does, Emmy.

These people
are all crooks.

You need money
to fight them.

God, you're
so idealistic.

I beg your pardon?

I thought we both
cared about ideals.

I thought we both
wanted to help dig
these flood victims out

and change the world.

You can't change the world
one shovelful at a time.

You need money, babe.

Oh, my God.

You're as bad as Steve.

No, you're worse.

He doesn't try to
pimp me out or send
my daughter to jail.

I'm just trying
to get you to grow up
and open up your eyes.

I think you
finally have.

And you know what?
I don't like
what I'm seeing.

What are you saying?

I think I'm
saying good-bye.

Come on!
Get out!

Candy cheeks!

What are you doing
back here?

Leaving, and
for good this time.

You can have
that small-minded,
selfless lunatic.

Thank you.
Hey, listen...

If there's ever anything
I can do for you,
don't hesitate to ask.

I'm good.

You know, I know
it came off as strong
sometimes, but...

You know,
it's nothing
personal.

I'm sorry we didn't get
past our differences,
and, in a way,

I think
you're kind of
a generous guy.

You don't have
a hand truck,
do you?

I don't even know
what that is. Thanks for
giving me Emmy, though.

Well,
I didn't give...
Whoa! Hey!

Hey! I heard
the great news.
So it's over, huh?

Great news?
How is that...

Oh, I get it.
Was that your plan?

Have me sign a prenup,
so Andy would find out
and we'd break up?

What? Prenup?

I don't know
what you're
talking about.

Yeah, you know.
So I wouldn't
claim your money

if we ever got married
and divorced,
which we never would.

Emmy, we would
never get divorced.

No, we absolutely would.
I meant get married.

Well, I don't know
if we'd absolutely
get married.

I literally just
found out that
I could have you.

You know what?
Forget it.

I'm glad Andy's
gone, and I'm glad
I signed your prenup.

Emmy...

Wait, I'm sorry.
Did she say prenup?

Because you know you can get
a significant engagement bonus
out of your trust fund

if it can
be verified.

Significant
enough to
build, say,

a pyramid in
the swamp?

Yes, you can have
a pyramid in a swamp.

Well, then that
shall be the wedding
present to my love.

Now, give your old
accountant a hug.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Hey, guys.

Save it for
the mezzanine.

Did you just
tell the accountant

that you and Emmy
are engaged?

Oh! Just for the
trust fund bonus.

Oh, you still
get those?

Yeah, of course I do.
For every major life
hallmark or accomplishment.

PUDDLE:
This had been the case
since he was a young boy.

Somebody's got
dry pajamas.

Release the funds.

PUDDLE:
He even got one just
for going through puberty.

Someone's pajamas
aren't dry.

Release the funds.

I just have to figure
out how to get Emmy
to go along with it.

Which is not gonna
be easy, because
she's upset with me.

Although
I have absolutely
no idea why.

I mean, Andy's
the one that she
broke up with.

Wait, Emmy broke up
with Andy?

Was she devastated?

Yeah, I didn't ask.

I wonder why
she's upset with you.

I am a jerk.

But you know what?
In my defense, I just didn't
think it would ever last.

But still,
you're right.

It just seems like if
you're going to ask Emmy to
pretend to be engaged to you,

the least you could do...

Is pretend to care
about her breakup.

Thank you,
Mr. Best Man.

Sex and the City
DVDs and a tub of
rum raisin ice cream.

I hate rum raisin.
Well, it's just as well.

It's kind of melty anyway.

For some reason,
the freezer was unplugged.

And wedged in the stairway
down to the cellar.

Anyway, I'm sorry
to hear about your
breakup with Andy.

I know you
could use a BFF,
just to watch DVDs

and pretend
to get married.

And braid each
other's hair
and just laugh.

Pretend to
get married?
(LAUGHING)
I know.

Look, the truth is
I need a lot of
money right now

for my nightclub,
and as it turns out,

I get a huge bonus
for getting engaged.

We can split the money.

You can use your half
to fix the homes of
the flood victims

and I can use
my half to give them
a place to party.

I knew you were
up to something.

So this is why you
had me sign a prenup.

So you could get
all this money.

I don't know anything
about the prenup.

In fact, the only reason
that Marty thinks
we're getting married

is because you
yelled out that you
were happy you had it.

Wait, so because
I signed a prenup saying
I don't want your money,

I'm in position to get...

At least a million.

Just for signing
a notarized form saying
that you're engaged.

Honestly,
I wouldn't ask

if I didn't think this
nightclub was gonna
make me really happy.

No, Steve, what
you still don't get

is that happiness doesn't
come from the outside.

It comes from within,
from actually caring
about other people.

Why don't you try
actually helping?

Build these
homes with me.

You might find that doing
good without expecting
anything in return

is its own reward.

So if I do your charity,

then you'll sign
the letter in return.

No. I said
without expecting
anything in return.

I totally get
my end of it.

I'm just trying
to figure out what
you then give me.

PUDDLE:
It took my mom
about an hour

to explain this
concept to Steve.

Oh, I expect
nothing in return!

Right!

And then you
surprise me
with what?

PUDDLE: He came
close to understanding
it again at 9:45.

So I do the charity,
you do nothing for me,

and I get
a good feeling from...

Wait, wait, wait.

Do you do the nice
thing to me before
I do the charity?

Are you supposed
to be doing the nice
thing to me now?

PUDDLE: It took a
Sex and the City break

to finally make Steve
understand what
my mom was talking about.

Samantha gave
that busboy the best
gift he's ever gotten.

Even though
she's getting
nothing in return.

PUDDLE:
And the funny thing is,

it actually did kind
of help my mom
get over the breakup.

I guess I've been
kind of selfish,

trying to make
a cheap buck
off of you.

Really no different
than how Andy would use
you to get what he wanted.

Maybe that's why you
haven't gotten as upset
as you could have.

I don't know,
I just don't think
it's hit me yet.

Or maybe it hit me
a long time ago.

I probably should have
hit him a long time ago.

Well, I better
hit the hay.

Got a big day of
digging tomorrow,

and no reward
at the end of it.

PUDDLE:
And I think Steve really
did want to try that.

Unfortunately,
the next morning,
he got a call from Fa'ad.

Well, they're starting
work at our nightclub.

I've got six crews
working around the
clock and on weekends.

We'll be comping drinks
and voiding checks
before the end of the month.

We'll make
a fortune.
I can't wait.

Have you got Emmy
to sign for that
engagement bonus yet?

Well, I'm technically
not trying to go for that
particular bonus right now.

But if you can wait,
I get another big bump
when my testicles drop again.

Shall I find
another investor?

No, I'll get...

All I have to do
is Emmy's charity

and expect nothing
in return, and
then she'll sign.

You don't think Emmy's
going to see that you
have an ulterior motive?

No, that's why
I'm whispering.

This is my
ulterior motive whisper.

Got it.

Well, in the meantime,

I'm going to act
like I'm waiting.

But then get other investors
who'll squeeze you out.

PUDDLE:
And so Steve showed up to work
for the displaced people,

expecting nothing in return,
except for my mom to lie
and bring in millions.

I wonder what they're
building over there.

Oh, that's our, um...
Fa'ad's nightclub.

You know, if you want,
I can rent us some
of these pylon drivers.

Make this thing go
a whole lot faster.

No, we are
not using your
money, Steve.

Just seems like
a lot of work for
us to do alone.

Actually, it turns out
my new friend, Mr. Lunt,
was able to help us out.

That's right,
and there they are.

I contacted
county corrections

and they sent
me a crew of
convicted felons

who were
sentenced to do
community service.

Don't worry,
they're white collar.

Whoa. Prisoners?

Wait, I thought
you promised

some strapping young
gay friends and lovers.

Strapping? Gay?

I beg your pardon,

but I said
nothing of
the sort.

STEVE: These guys look
a lot like they're from
my accountant's firm.

PUDDLE:
Because they were.

As a matter of fact,
it was most of

the firm of Lichtenstein,
Wasserstein, O'Reilly,
Stevens, and Khoo.

So these are the...

Firm men.

Oh, and they did
bring the partners!

That is what you said.

Well, I think
I'll go visit with some
of my young gay friends.

STEVE: So I guess you guys
aren't on that retreat
in Boca Raton after all.

I hope Marty's not here,
because I really want him
to give me that engagement...

In rib eye.

MAN: Yeah, Marty
does not get
his hands dirty.

Well, that is more
than I can say
for you guys!

PUDDLE:
So my mom took Steve
and the accountants out

to do some real work,

and they began digging,

and digging,

and digging.

But because the
ground was so wet,
it kept filling in.

They finally did
get one hole done,

but over the weekend,
they became discouraged
when it filled up again.

But Steve became a real
cheerleader and got
everyone to do it again.

Let's get our shovels!

And let's build
out this hole.

And three weeks later,
they had their hole again.

Seriously, at this rate,
how long is it gonna take
to build these shelters?

Figuring for
the creep-back
from the mud

and the rate
we are digging,

we're looking at
between seven and
nine years to finish.

I suppose those
refugees could stay
at the nightclub.

That thing looks
already complete.

PUDDLE:
It was true.

The six crews
finished the pyramid

in the same time it
took seven accountants
to dig a hole.

I think that's
a line from the Bible.

God, maybe you
can't do any real
good without money.

If I were you, I might
just ask a rich guy
to help move this along.

Hey, Steve,

I'm sure you've
noticed that
nightclub and

probably feel
a little bad about not
being a part of it.

And I was
just thinking...

No, you kidding?

To hell with
the nightclub.

You were right.
Trying to become happy

by chasing material things
is a waste of time.

(GRUNTING)
I fought earth and won.

And I did it
because it
feels good.

This is exactly how
Samantha must have felt

when she gave
that busboy a (BLEEP).

PUDDLE:
The next morning,

my mom decided
she was going
to ask Steve

for some money
for the cause.

I can't believe
we got that
hole done.

I know, it's a great hole.
Maybe we could go take
a look at it later today.

PUDDLE:
But it was harder to
do than she thought.

What I'm really saying is,

you know, sometimes,
you feel like you have
all the answers...

No, I totally get it.
All that money stuff
is just meaningless.

Not meaningless.

But not what matters
most. Yes. I mean,

I am working on something
meaningless right now,

and I've never been happier.

You know,
you're talking
very loudly.

Yeah, I think that's
because I have no
ulterior motive.

This is how I talk
when I've got
nothing to hide.

So, then,

I guess you don't
wanna be a part
of that nightclub anymore.

No! In fact, I need to tell
Fa'ad that right now.

Hey, Migo,
do you know
where Fa'ad is?

Well, I think he...
I'm not sure if he expects
you to come by the club

to sign
the partnership
papers.

Talk louder, Migo!

(SHOUTING)
The accountant's
going to be there

to have you sign for
the engagement bonus!

No, no, I'm not
gonna do that.

I gotta go tell him
that myself.

PUDDLE:
But my mom was suspicious,

and thought she'd
make Steve squirm.

Well, maybe I will
join you for that.

Great, we could
go check out
the hole after.

I don't know.

I mean, come on.

Well, it's possible.
Andy's gone.

He did do something
for someone else.
I mean, it could be legit.

(SHOUTING) Party clothes?
No, you withered
old fruit bat!

I'm not going
there to party!

I'll just throw on
some clean jeans!

(SOFTLY)
He is talking very loudly.

Yeah, and now
you are whispering.

Well, I'm sorry,
but I need that money.

Well, then just
play along with
the engagement party.

If he's for real, then
he'll be happy to
give you the money.

Unless that's what
he wants me to do.

So you only want
the money if Steve
doesn't want the money,

but if he wants
the money, you don't
want the money.

See? You get it.

PUDDLE:
So Mom went to make sure
Steve gave Fa'ad the bad news.

I have to say,
this might not be
a bad investment.

The outside
is pretty impressive.

PUDDLE:
Which, of course, she
didn't want him to do.

Fa'ad!
Are you in here?

God, where
are the lights
for this place?

ALL:
Surprise!

What's going on?
What is this?

Oh, you guys,
is this about the hole?

It's a party to celebrate
your engagement, you dope.

Did you do this?

Oh, yeah, nice try.
You did this.

I didn't, really.

Blame me. Now
that you get your
engagement bonus,

we decided
to throw you a party.

STEVE: Well,
that's nice, Marty.

But Emmy and I
aren't really...

In such a hurry
to have a wedding.

I mean, it'll be
sort of a long
engagement.

I'll get the papers.

(SIGHS)

(SOFTLY)
Excuse me.

But why are
you doing this?

Steve, everybody
already thinks
we're engaged.

And that money
could really help
our charity work.

You know what?
You're right.

I mean,
maybe we're ready.

Well, I don't
know about ready.

I just meant maybe
we should say
that we're engaged...

No, I'm not talking
about lying and deception
and all of that.

If we're gonna
do this, we should
just do this.

You mean for real?

In a marriage?

Well, I mean,

why not try?

Because of every
possible reason
one could think of.

It won't work.
Or it will.

If you're unhappy,
you can divorce me.

You'll get all
that money in
the settlement.

You can do whatever
you want with it.

Maybe you're right.

Except, wait, no,
I wouldn't. I signed
a prenup, remember?

It's nothing, look.

There, it's gone.
It doesn't matter.

What matters is that
we're honest with each other,
and we're ready to try.

Wait, how did
you get that?

How'd I get
what, now?

The prenup, I thought...
You said you didn't
even know about it.

You told me.

You told me
that Lunt had you sign.

And that the only copy
went right to the city
registrar's office.

Look, there has
to be a reasonable
explanation for this.

You asked Lunt
to get this prenup,
didn't you?

That's it.
That's the one.
(EXHALES)

No, look, Emmy,
that was before.

Before I...
Dug a hole?

Well, when you
say it like that,

it makes it sound
like it wasn't a
life-changing event.

You set this whole
thing up, didn't you?

I'm sorry, Steve.
There's been
too much deception,

and you need
a lot of time
and a lot of work

to build a foundation
on unstable ground.

She's right,
you know.

I know.

But I also know
I can make this
relationship work now.

And that I can
convince her to
be with me.

I was actually
referring to
the club.

I think we're sinking.

You might wanna
call FEMA.

STEVE: Yeah, you're right.
We might as well have
them deliver some sandwiches.