Original subtitles

PUDDLE: When I moved here from the rain forest,

I stupidly thought I'd never have to see the rain again.

When's it gonna stop?

Who do I look like, a weatherman?

PUDDLE: He actually did look like a weatherman.

A guy named Storm Trenton on WZHN.

...as the old weak neck seawall finally said "see y'all."

So it looks like we have our very own tiny little New Orleans down there,

and I think that calls for one of Storm Trenton's famous sun dances.

(RHYTHMIC GRUNTING)

Come on, do it at home!

Ah, Steve. So, I noticed that this new restaurant opened up

down by where the old seawall gave way,

and the lines are around the block.

I think it was called "Fe-ma".

No, I think it's "FEMA".

No, I think it is "Fe-ma".

French-Polynesian fusion.

Well, it gave me an idea.

What are people most in the mood for after a flood?

A new hospital?

BOTH: A nightclub.

A nightclub?

You have to assume that their wine cellars were destroyed.

Where else are they gonna drink?

And their sound systems have probably lost their woofers.

And we've always dreamed of owning...

BOTH: A nightclub.

So I got in touch with a building firm

who've done some very arresting developments for us out in the Middle East,

and I had them design something.

I told them it had to be both western and modern,

and this is what they came up with.

STEVE: It's a four-sided triangle.

FA'AD: Pulsating, multi-level,

9,000 square foot super club rising from the swamp!

Multi-leveled?

Yes, I want to have a gay balcony upstairs.

What about a bisexual mezzanine?

Well, now that you mention it, you certainly have me curious.

We could call it "Swamped" , because that's what we'll hope to be.

That has two meanings.

Oh, yes, because we're on a morass.

Talk about a name with two meanings.

"More ass," because that's what we'll get if we own this!

So shall we talk numbers?

Well, I don't think that's appropriate

with the little one sitting right here.

That's okay. I think I'd rather go watch that weatherman dance.

I'm definitely in.

But unlike this property that we're building on,

I'm not very liquid right now.

Got to trim some of the fat.

Lunt!

Steve, I'm only nine years from retirement,

and I raised you.

Oh, you watery old goat. I meant set up a meeting with Marty the accountant.

Well, that's a relief.

I was starting to get that heart attack taste.

Where are those cappuccinos?

I still can't find the cappuccino maker.

I'll get coffee.

I have got to get rid of him.

Well, you'd better do it quickly.

You're gonna need all the money you can get.

Well, look who's an eavesdropper.

Said the woman who clearly just climbed out of the sewer.

FA'AD: The area is completely devastated.

The people have nowhere to go.

Oh, my God. I was just there. Are you talking about the swamp?

No, well, we're calling it "Morass" now.

Out of curiosity, how'd you hear about our nightclub?

TV, internet, or other?

Nightclub?

I assumed you were talking about helping the victims of the flood.

This sounds like a very bad idea, guys.

Well, I'm sure Fe-ma had its naysayers too.

I'm gonna go make some calls and clean up.

Wait, why are you covered in mud?

If you want to help those people, you ought to come out and help us dig.

We're gonna start digging tomorrow around 6:00.

LUNT: I'm sure you're a natural digger.

Honestly, I would love to, but I just don't like getting my...

Hands dirty?

You want to let someone else do the dirty work in your life

like you always have. Come on.

That is a great idea.

Migo, take the day off tomorrow and help Emmy dig some mud.

No, Steve, I do not accept.

Oh, shoot, I really wanted to go.

Migo can volunteer himself tomorrow.

Oh, yeah, I don't think I can get off work now.

Steve, the reason to volunteer is to make yourself feel good.

I mean, you have no idea the sense of satisfaction

you get from helping people in need.

I mean, everybody wants to do it.

PUDDLE: Well, not everybody, as it turns out.

...but one thing we can really guarantee

is a great night's sleep, knowing that you've help...

(DIAL TONE)

Fine. Stay up all night. See if I care.

Why don't you just give up?

It's really not that hard.

I mean, once we drain the land...

You're gonna drain Steve's bank account.

Oh, for all I know, you've stolen the blender.

Where the hell's the blender?

You have been on me ever since I got here,

and I don't know why.

All I've ever tried to do was help Steve lead a happier life.

All you've done is to try and get him to part with his money.

If anything, I've done the opposite.

I was just telling him

that investing in a nightclub in a swamp would be a waste of money.

That would actually make him happy.

But that would mean there's less money for you

when you finally get engaged to Steve.

Oh, so you not only think I want to marry Steve,

but that I'm also a gold digger.

(SCOFFS)

Okay, I can't even let myself be offended by that,

because it's so insane.

Is it?

Don't say "is it" like that's some kind of

opposite proof of everything I just said.

Isn't it?

Don't say "isn't it" like "is it" is proof

that I wasn't just saying exactly the...

You really have to stop with this.

And don't say "do I" and walk away.

Right, because you want to say "I do" to Steve and walk away.

Walk away? So you think I want to marry him so I can divorce him?

I'm telling you, if you don't like me

because you think I'm after Steve's money, you're wrong.

Then prove it. Sign a prenup.

A prenup? A prenuptial agreement.

One that says if you marry Steve and divorce him,

you won't go after his money.

Nobody will see it.

There'll only be one copy,

and it'll go right to the city registrar.

Steve will never even know.

Then you have nothing to lose if you sign.

And nothing to gain. Sorry. (SCOFFS)

I'll help you dig.

I can get you five firm men to help.

And ten if they include their partners.

PUDDLE: And that's how my mom signed the most ironclad prenup

anyone had ever seen.

Looks like there's some usefulness in old Mr. Lunt yet.

PUDDLE: Steve was going over his plans

for the nightclub he hoped to build with Fa'ad.

Originally, the club was gonna be for the poor,

but now we're just thinking we'll let them into the bottom floor.

And it's based on the actual Great Pyramid of Luxor.

I am curious about the bisexual mezzanine.

But I think I would be doing you a great disservice

if I told that this was a good idea.

Look, I know that nightclubs are a risky investment,

but this is built on a swamp!

And it's not one of those discount land deals.

No, no, we're paying full price for the property.

I'm sorry, Steve. I don't know where we're gonna get the money for this.

Well, couldn't we squeeze a few dollars out of the mansion?

PUDDLE: Ironically, Andy was upstairs trying to do the same thing.

Yeah, it's a Brummel C4-11 microwave.

And I want to return it for cash because I've never used it.

It's still in the box and... (MICROWAVE BEEPING)

Uh, a truck's backing up.

Andy... Is that Steve's microwave?

And his cappuccino maker?

Yeah! I stole them.

Pig probably thinks he still has them.

Well, technically, he does. They're still in his house.

That's why it's the perfect crime.

Oh, there's our microwave.

You didn't have to drag that up the steps.

We'd be happy to get you one of your own.

(WHISPERING) He's calling the cops.

We'll blame it on the kid! They can't arrest her.

She doesn't have any priors, does she?

No, Andy, he's being nice to me now.

And we're not sending my daughter to jail.

Why is he being nice to you?

Because he finally knows I'm not after Steve's money.

That's great! Check this out.

I stole Pig's pennies. There must be 300 bucks in here.

Easily enough to pay for my knee surgery

I'm gonna need for nudging the dishwasher into the crawlspace.

No, I mean, I finally made it clear to him that I'm not interested in Steve.

That you and I are engaged, and we have this deep connection,

and that I would never go after Steve for his money.

And he bought it?

Of course he bought it. It's the truth.

I even signed a prenup.

A prenup? Emmy!

Well, now you can't marry him.

I don't want to.

But I thought that was our big unspoken backup plan.

You know, you tease him a little,

and then you get married,

and then he'd divorce you the next day

because you wouldn't have honeymoon sex with him.

And then you get a big fat settlement,

and we'd use the money for good.

I mean, now you don't even have to tease him!

First of all, I would never do something like that.

And Steve doesn't even know about it.

Of course he does, Emmy.

These people are all crooks.

You need money to fight them.

God, you're so idealistic.

I beg your pardon?

I thought we both cared about ideals.

I thought we both wanted to help dig these flood victims out

and change the world.

You can't change the world one shovelful at a time.

You need money, babe.

Oh, my God.

You're as bad as Steve.

No, you're worse.

He doesn't try to pimp me out or send my daughter to jail.

I'm just trying to get you to grow up and open up your eyes.

I think you finally have.

And you know what? I don't like what I'm seeing.

What are you saying?

I think I'm saying good-bye.

Come on! Get out!

Candy cheeks!

What are you doing back here?

Leaving, and for good this time.

You can have that small-minded, selfless lunatic.

Thank you. Hey, listen...

If there's ever anything I can do for you, don't hesitate to ask.

I'm good.

You know, I know it came off as strong sometimes, but...

You know, it's nothing personal.

I'm sorry we didn't get past our differences, and, in a way,

I think you're kind of a generous guy.

You don't have a hand truck, do you?

I don't even know what that is. Thanks for giving me Emmy, though.

Well, I didn't give... Whoa! Hey!

Hey! I heard the great news. So it's over, huh?

Great news? How is that...

Oh, I get it. Was that your plan?

Have me sign a prenup, so Andy would find out and we'd break up?

What? Prenup?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Yeah, you know. So I wouldn't claim your money

if we ever got married and divorced, which we never would.

Emmy, we would never get divorced.

No, we absolutely would. I meant get married.

Well, I don't know if we'd absolutely get married.

I literally just found out that I could have you.

You know what? Forget it.

I'm glad Andy's gone, and I'm glad I signed your prenup.

Emmy...

Wait, I'm sorry. Did she say prenup?

Because you know you can get a significant engagement bonus out of your trust fund

if it can be verified.

Significant enough to build, say,

a pyramid in the swamp?

Yes, you can have a pyramid in a swamp.

Well, then that shall be the wedding present to my love.

Now, give your old accountant a hug.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Hey, guys.

Save it for the mezzanine.

Did you just tell the accountant

that you and Emmy are engaged?

Oh! Just for the trust fund bonus.

Oh, you still get those?

Yeah, of course I do. For every major life hallmark or accomplishment.

PUDDLE: This had been the case since he was a young boy.

Somebody's got dry pajamas.

Release the funds.

PUDDLE: He even got one just for going through puberty.

Someone's pajamas aren't dry.

Release the funds.

I just have to figure out how to get Emmy to go along with it.

Which is not gonna be easy, because she's upset with me.

Although I have absolutely no idea why.

I mean, Andy's the one that she broke up with.

Wait, Emmy broke up with Andy?

Was she devastated?

Yeah, I didn't ask.

I wonder why she's upset with you.

I am a jerk.

But you know what? In my defense, I just didn't think it would ever last.

But still, you're right.

It just seems like if you're going to ask Emmy to pretend to be engaged to you,

the least you could do...

Is pretend to care about her breakup.

Thank you, Mr. Best Man.

Sex and the City DVDs and a tub of rum raisin ice cream.

I hate rum raisin. Well, it's just as well.

It's kind of melty anyway.

For some reason, the freezer was unplugged.

And wedged in the stairway down to the cellar.

Anyway, I'm sorry to hear about your breakup with Andy.

I know you could use a BFF, just to watch DVDs

and pretend to get married.

And braid each other's hair and just laugh.

Pretend to get married? (LAUGHING) I know.

Look, the truth is I need a lot of money right now

for my nightclub, and as it turns out,

I get a huge bonus for getting engaged.

We can split the money.

You can use your half to fix the homes of the flood victims

and I can use my half to give them a place to party.

I knew you were up to something.

So this is why you had me sign a prenup.

So you could get all this money.

I don't know anything about the prenup.

In fact, the only reason that Marty thinks we're getting married

is because you yelled out that you were happy you had it.

Wait, so because I signed a prenup saying I don't want your money,

I'm in position to get...

At least a million.

Just for signing a notarized form saying that you're engaged.

Honestly, I wouldn't ask

if I didn't think this nightclub was gonna make me really happy.

No, Steve, what you still don't get

is that happiness doesn't come from the outside.

It comes from within, from actually caring about other people.

Why don't you try actually helping?

Build these homes with me.

You might find that doing good without expecting anything in return

is its own reward.

So if I do your charity,

then you'll sign the letter in return.

No. I said without expecting anything in return.

I totally get my end of it.

I'm just trying to figure out what you then give me.

PUDDLE: It took my mom about an hour

to explain this concept to Steve.

Oh, I expect nothing in return!

Right!

And then you surprise me with what?

PUDDLE: He came close to understanding it again at 9:45.

So I do the charity, you do nothing for me,

and I get a good feeling from...

Wait, wait, wait.

Do you do the nice thing to me before I do the charity?

Are you supposed to be doing the nice thing to me now?

PUDDLE: It took a Sex and the City break

to finally make Steve understand what my mom was talking about.

Samantha gave that busboy the best gift he's ever gotten.

Even though she's getting nothing in return.

PUDDLE: And the funny thing is,

it actually did kind of help my mom get over the breakup.

I guess I've been kind of selfish,

trying to make a cheap buck off of you.

Really no different than how Andy would use you to get what he wanted.

Maybe that's why you haven't gotten as upset as you could have.

I don't know, I just don't think it's hit me yet.

Or maybe it hit me a long time ago.

I probably should have hit him a long time ago.

Well, I better hit the hay.

Got a big day of digging tomorrow,

and no reward at the end of it.

PUDDLE: And I think Steve really did want to try that.

Unfortunately, the next morning, he got a call from Fa'ad.

Well, they're starting work at our nightclub.

I've got six crews working around the clock and on weekends.

We'll be comping drinks and voiding checks before the end of the month.

We'll make a fortune. I can't wait.

Have you got Emmy to sign for that engagement bonus yet?

Well, I'm technically not trying to go for that particular bonus right now.

But if you can wait, I get another big bump when my testicles drop again.

Shall I find another investor?

No, I'll get...

All I have to do is Emmy's charity

and expect nothing in return, and then she'll sign.

You don't think Emmy's going to see that you have an ulterior motive?

No, that's why I'm whispering.

This is my ulterior motive whisper.

Got it.

Well, in the meantime,

I'm going to act like I'm waiting.

But then get other investors who'll squeeze you out.

PUDDLE: And so Steve showed up to work for the displaced people,

expecting nothing in return, except for my mom to lie and bring in millions.

I wonder what they're building over there.

Oh, that's our, um... Fa'ad's nightclub.

You know, if you want, I can rent us some of these pylon drivers.

Make this thing go a whole lot faster.

No, we are not using your money, Steve.

Just seems like a lot of work for us to do alone.

Actually, it turns out my new friend, Mr. Lunt, was able to help us out.

That's right, and there they are.

I contacted county corrections

and they sent me a crew of convicted felons

who were sentenced to do community service.

Don't worry, they're white collar.

Whoa. Prisoners?

Wait, I thought you promised

some strapping young gay friends and lovers.

Strapping? Gay?

I beg your pardon,

but I said nothing of the sort.

STEVE: These guys look a lot like they're from my accountant's firm.

PUDDLE: Because they were.

As a matter of fact, it was most of

the firm of Lichtenstein, Wasserstein, O'Reilly, Stevens, and Khoo.

So these are the...

Firm men.

Oh, and they did bring the partners!

That is what you said.

Well, I think I'll go visit with some of my young gay friends.

STEVE: So I guess you guys aren't on that retreat in Boca Raton after all.

I hope Marty's not here, because I really want him to give me that engagement...

In rib eye.

MAN: Yeah, Marty does not get his hands dirty.

Well, that is more than I can say for you guys!

PUDDLE: So my mom took Steve and the accountants out

to do some real work,

and they began digging,

and digging,

and digging.

But because the ground was so wet, it kept filling in.

They finally did get one hole done,

but over the weekend, they became discouraged when it filled up again.

But Steve became a real cheerleader and got everyone to do it again.

Let's get our shovels!

And let's build out this hole.

And three weeks later, they had their hole again.

Seriously, at this rate, how long is it gonna take to build these shelters?

Figuring for the creep-back from the mud

and the rate we are digging,

we're looking at between seven and nine years to finish.

I suppose those refugees could stay at the nightclub.

That thing looks already complete.

PUDDLE: It was true.

The six crews finished the pyramid

in the same time it took seven accountants to dig a hole.

I think that's a line from the Bible.

God, maybe you can't do any real good without money.

If I were you, I might just ask a rich guy to help move this along.

Hey, Steve,

I'm sure you've noticed that nightclub and

probably feel a little bad about not being a part of it.

And I was just thinking...

No, you kidding?

To hell with the nightclub.

You were right. Trying to become happy

by chasing material things is a waste of time.

(GRUNTING) I fought earth and won.

And I did it because it feels good.

This is exactly how Samantha must have felt

when she gave that busboy a (BLEEP).

PUDDLE: The next morning,

my mom decided she was going to ask Steve

for some money for the cause.

I can't believe we got that hole done.

I know, it's a great hole. Maybe we could go take a look at it later today.

PUDDLE: But it was harder to do than she thought.

What I'm really saying is,

you know, sometimes, you feel like you have all the answers...

No, I totally get it. All that money stuff is just meaningless.

Not meaningless.

But not what matters most. Yes. I mean,

I am working on something meaningless right now,

and I've never been happier.

You know, you're talking very loudly.

Yeah, I think that's because I have no ulterior motive.

This is how I talk when I've got nothing to hide.

So, then,

I guess you don't wanna be a part of that nightclub anymore.

No! In fact, I need to tell Fa'ad that right now.

Hey, Migo, do you know where Fa'ad is?

Well, I think he... I'm not sure if he expects you to come by the club

to sign the partnership papers.

Talk louder, Migo!

(SHOUTING) The accountant's going to be there

to have you sign for the engagement bonus!

No, no, I'm not gonna do that.

I gotta go tell him that myself.

PUDDLE: But my mom was suspicious,

and thought she'd make Steve squirm.

Well, maybe I will join you for that.

Great, we could go check out the hole after.

I don't know.

I mean, come on.

Well, it's possible. Andy's gone.

He did do something for someone else. I mean, it could be legit.

(SHOUTING) Party clothes? No, you withered old fruit bat!

I'm not going there to party!

I'll just throw on some clean jeans!

(SOFTLY) He is talking very loudly.

Yeah, and now you are whispering.

Well, I'm sorry, but I need that money.

Well, then just play along with the engagement party.

If he's for real, then he'll be happy to give you the money.

Unless that's what he wants me to do.

So you only want the money if Steve doesn't want the money,

but if he wants the money, you don't want the money.

See? You get it.

PUDDLE: So Mom went to make sure Steve gave Fa'ad the bad news.

I have to say, this might not be a bad investment.

The outside is pretty impressive.

PUDDLE: Which, of course, she didn't want him to do.

Fa'ad! Are you in here?

God, where are the lights for this place?

ALL: Surprise!

What's going on? What is this?

Oh, you guys, is this about the hole?

It's a party to celebrate your engagement, you dope.

Did you do this?

Oh, yeah, nice try. You did this.

I didn't, really.

Blame me. Now that you get your engagement bonus,

we decided to throw you a party.

STEVE: Well, that's nice, Marty.

But Emmy and I aren't really...

In such a hurry to have a wedding.

I mean, it'll be sort of a long engagement.

I'll get the papers.

(SIGHS)

(SOFTLY) Excuse me.

But why are you doing this?

Steve, everybody already thinks we're engaged.

And that money could really help our charity work.

You know what? You're right.

I mean, maybe we're ready.

Well, I don't know about ready.

I just meant maybe we should say that we're engaged...

No, I'm not talking about lying and deception and all of that.

If we're gonna do this, we should just do this.

You mean for real?

In a marriage?

Well, I mean,

why not try?

Because of every possible reason one could think of.

It won't work. Or it will.

If you're unhappy, you can divorce me.

You'll get all that money in the settlement.

You can do whatever you want with it.

Maybe you're right.

Except, wait, no, I wouldn't. I signed a prenup, remember?

It's nothing, look.

There, it's gone. It doesn't matter.

What matters is that we're honest with each other, and we're ready to try.

Wait, how did you get that?

How'd I get what, now?

The prenup, I thought... You said you didn't even know about it.

You told me.

You told me that Lunt had you sign.

And that the only copy went right to the city registrar's office.

Look, there has to be a reasonable explanation for this.

You asked Lunt to get this prenup, didn't you?

That's it. That's the one. (EXHALES)

No, look, Emmy, that was before.

Before I... Dug a hole?

Well, when you say it like that,

it makes it sound like it wasn't a life-changing event.

You set this whole thing up, didn't you?

I'm sorry, Steve. There's been too much deception,

and you need a lot of time and a lot of work

to build a foundation on unstable ground.

She's right, you know.

I know.

But I also know I can make this relationship work now.

And that I can convince her to be with me.

I was actually referring to the club.

I think we're sinking.

You might wanna call FEMA.

STEVE: Yeah, you're right. We might as well have them deliver some sandwiches.