Original subtitles

This programme contains some scenes of a sexual nature,

some strong language and some scenes which some viewers may find upsetting.

It's rude to sneak up on people.

How did you know?

You're a walking cloud of Lynx Africa.

I just want to talk.

And I want us to move on with our lives and for you to be unhappy.

I miss you, Pippa. Hey, look at me...

Just do one, Danny, you're embarrassing yourself.

Are Liverpool playing at home?

Yeah. I started my day in a pool of my own blood.

Is that how you wanna end yours?

I know you've been having a shit time.

I want to be there for you.

I'm sure you do.

HAIRDRYER BLASTS

PHONE RINGS

LIFT: Doors opening.

MUSIC PLAYS THROUGH EARPHONES

PHONE BEEPS

LIFT: Doors opening.

Doors closing.

Doors opening.

THUNDER CRASHES

Oh!

One little duck, quack, quack.

Number two.

Number four, knock at the door.

27, gateway to heaven.

Get away from me!

You can't have me.

TANNOY: All new recruits, report to registration.

TANNOY: Guest arrival in three hours.

Name. Cormac.

Kelly.

Sign your life away.

Enjoy your time with Velorum.

PROMO VIDEO: By joining Velorum,

you're becoming part of something much bigger.

You are now part of the world's fastest-growing,

most ambitious cruise line.

Experience freedom like you've never felt before,

all whilst gaining professional skills in a world-class environment.

Welcome to Velorum, where your dreams set sail.

MUFFLED SNIGGERING

My name is Karen.

I'm staff captain on the ship of dreams.

This is Second Officer Beaker,

and Third Officer Sam Rhodes.

Right, first off,

anyone thinking this is gonna be one big jolly holiday

should get to fuck now.

This ship is a merciless mistress.

I say, "Jump", and you say, "How high?"

Officer Beaker says, "Run", you say, "How fast?"

A guest asks you to build him a pillow fort,

you say, "Duck feather or goose?"

Karen does not sugar-coat, not since the diabetes.

If you cross me, I will wipe you out with a precision

the likes of which you crotch droppings have never seen.

Welcome aboard the Sacramentum.

The I-95. 2,000 of you will pass through here 24/7.

Some of this lot don't ever see the light of day.

Hiya, I'm Lauren.

Cormac.

Hands out of pockets!

Sorry, Aunt Lydia.

The crew mess.

We've a two-strike rule on here for bad behaviour.

Any nonsense, inappropriate guest interaction,

and you will be on a flight home quicker than you can say...

Little Duck's Soft Play Palace.

The theatre.

The Officers' Mess.

These boys are Karen's eyes and ears. Say hello.

TRAINEES: Hello.

The promenade. One-stop shopping and eating,

everything you need at your fingertips.

Only officers and entertainment staff with one of these

can access this area.

But the video said...

Sorry? Was that a question... Jerome?

What about free time?

What free time? No, you lot will be in back-of-house roles.

But if you impress, you might be granted temporary access

to some of the areas that are usually off limits.

Guest arrival in 30 minutes.

It's a bit much, innit?

Names.

Cormac.

And? Vivian.

Vivian, what are you, a 1950s housewife?

Well, Cormac and Vivian, nothing, and I mean nothing,

is too much for our guests. Right, at the end of the corridor here,

you'll see access to first class, OK?

And over here...

..our performers.

Currently rehearsing a production of Apocalypse Wow, Wow, Wow.

Mr A? Mr A? Good morning.

This is Mr Allan, our cruise director.

Welcome. Welcome, all of you.

You're all going to have the best summer.

It's gonna be great.

OK, guests are coming.

Right, action stations.

No doubt you'll all disappoint me.

Back to bunks, then to assignments.

And remember, Karen is always watching.

This ship is a maze.

Guess who got their own room.

How did you manage that?

Luck of the draw. And let's hope my luck holds,

because this is one big bang boat, baby.

There'll be none of that for me, ta.

I've got my Daronte back home. My fiance.

Is that a mood ring?

It was his nan's.

Have you got anyone back home, Cormac?

Me? Er, no. Single.

Sheffield's gay scene isn't exactly flourishing, so...

Looking for love, then?

No. No. I mean, I'm just,

I'm kind of focusing on my work at the minute.

No, I get it. Working on yourself.

I think I'm this way.

Oh!

TANNOY: Guests now boarding.

# If you like pina coladas

# And getting caught in the rain

# If you're not into yoga... #

Go on straight through for me, thank you.

This way.

We're here for you.

Happy to.

Mr and Mrs Pleasance. Welcome back, we missed you.

How was your journey?

To be honest, I could do with one of those cheeky Turkish rubs.

Not a problem.

I want to personally escort you to your suite

and we'll get that set up for you.

DOOR OPENS

Oh. Hello, Jamie. You looked taller in your picture.

Cormac? No. No, no, no, no, no.

What the hell are you doing here? This wasn't part of the plan.

Fancied a bit of sun, didn't I? How did you even... no, no, no,

you have to get off right now, OK?

I take your place on here, you stay at home.

My emails couldn't have been clearer.

Rosie and me broke up, all right?

Who's Rosie?

She was my girlfriend. We were supposed to come on here together,

but then she ended it and I bailed.

This was kind of all your fault, to be honest, man.

So, what, you're on here to win her back?

You couldn't just wait three months? Oh, my God, you wanna spy on her.

Hey, don't judge me.

I'm not stealing somebody's identity

like the Talented Mr Whippy.

You sold it to me. I paid you to stay at home.

But you can still do your thing, man.

Find out what happened to your sister, um...

Pippa. Yeah.

Her name's Pippa.

Is it true she...?

That's what Velorum says, but I know she didn't.

And the only way of getting to the truth

is by investigating for myself.

This is my one and only chance

of finding out what actually happened,

whilst all the same people are still on the ship.

I'll just keep a low profile.

No. Look, the only way I can do this

is if they don't know who I really am, OK?

If either of us gets caught, that's it, I'm finished.

Why am I explaining this to you?

You need to leave right now.

Come on, man. I won't make a peep.

TANNOY: Guests fully boarded, doors closed. Departure in 30.

It's too late.

So, what's the plan, anyway?

Gonna bang a few heads together and fuck shit up?

I was just going to talk to people.

Yawn.

I want to know more about the guy she was seeing,

er, Danny. He was...

Look, I need to go back.

They might come looking, OK?

Just please do not,

under any circumstances, leave this cabin.

If someone who knows you spots you,

or if Rosie finds you stalking her, what do you think she'd say?

Do you think she might take it the wrong way, or...?

I can keep an eye on her for you, all right?

Just as long as you stay here.

You'd do that for me?

Yeah. Yeah, it's not like I've got enough on my plate.

Just text me... No, here, I'll show you this one.

This is us at Diggerland.

God, she loves a JCB.

Right. Just stay put, yeah?

I mean it.

All right, OK. I'm not going anywhere, man.

Get to work, new guy.

Excuse me, do you know Pippa? Pippa Walsh? No, you don't...

No, I didn't know her. What about her boyfriend Danny?

Yeah, I know him. He's the worst.

That whole entertainers group, they're bloodsuckers.

IN FILIPINO:

But she used to work on here.

Those theatre kids are into drugs.

Drugs? How do they get drugs?

Probably from one of the mafias.

There are a few on here. Cliques who stick together.

The Filipinos are top.

Cross one and you've crossed them all.

Pippa, she was a piece of work.

We call her the Mary Celeste.

So many sailors went down on her and nobody knows where she is.

Out of the way.

Argh!

SEAGULLS CRY

Welcome to Velorum,

where your dreams set sail.

Not too late to run. You wouldn't be the first to bail.

Seriously, go now, or you'll never escape.

I only came on here to save during my gap year.

It's been 84 years.

Sorry.

Didn't mean to interrupt your moment of pain and despair.

You gonna be all right?

Yeah. Yeah, I'll be fine. Thank you.

The best way out is always through.

And lose the blue shirt, you don't wanna be a bloob.

Bloob? A blue noob. Bottom of the ladder

when it comes to nonsensical cruise ship subculture.

This boat's tribal as hell.

Oh. Game the system, bloob.

Do you have to stand that close to me? You've got shit breath.

I've never been with an Asian girl before.

I have.

Touch me again and I'll drown you, dickhead.

Oi! What's going on?

Nothing. All good.

Puta!

What? You OK?

Yeah, well, maybe she had the right idea.

The girl that you were asking about, the one who jumped.

She didn't jump.

THUD NEARBY

Let me out!

Hello?

PANICKED SHOUTING

Arseholes.

Do you know, they keep bodies in here

when they run out of space in the mortuary.

Every cruise ship has one.

If they ask us to give out Arctic roll, we'll know why.

What make you come on here?

Were you not watching the video?

I wanted to gain professional skills in a world-class environment.

And I needed to get as far away as I could.

Oh. It's fine.

My family were more than happy to see the back of me.

At least they noticed you left. What do you mean?

My dad doesn't know I'm on here.

You didn't tell him?

We're not really the tell each other kind of family.

What about your mum?

Died when I was ten.

Oh. I'm sorry.

It's all good.

Danny, Danny, Danny.

Hola, senor.

SOFT RUSTLING

HE RETCHES

DOOR UNLOCKS

Shit.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Bethany-May is freaking out. She wants to leave.

Then let her. She's dead weight.

You don't trust her?

Never trust a girl with two names and French tips.

You need to talk to her.

SHIP HORN BLOWS

KID: Can we get a selfie?

Don't try and stop me, Sophia!

Where are you going? Anywhere.

Where's anywhere? Anywhere that isn't on here.

We're in way over our heads and this just,

after what happened with Pippa, it's not...

Well, it's not fun any more, is it?

Why won't this close?

Argh!

I'm done. I'm sorry, Sophia.

I was just...

We've already been down here.

Do you ever feel like you're being watched?

This is a floating prison.

And ironically, the most freedom I've had in ages.

I think my dad thought

that if he could keep me locked away from the world,

maybe it'll quell my sinful desires.

Right. How did that work out for him?

Well, I just had to get out of there

and I thought that running off to become a sailor

sounded like the gayest option.

And look at me now.

Smashing the cheap labour stereotypes.

And there I was thinking that I'd get to see the world.

"Come and play with us,

"forever, and ever, and ever."

Do you have a spare phone charger?

Hungry?

Um, just a lot of feelings to eat.

What are you looking at?

People Pippa was friends with.

Did you find matey boy, the boyfriend?

I sure did.

What do you know about him?

Everything there is to know. You know, did my research,

went through everyone online who she was friends with on here.

Sort of all I've been doing these past few months.

What, like, swotting up and shit?

Yeah.

Yeah. You seem the type.

Come on, shot, shot, shot, shots. Ready?

I've reached my wi-fi limit.

Oh, yeah, the ship's wi-fi's always shite.

No, but how is it used up already?

I mean, what did you do?

All right, look. Rosie posted a story.

I was like, "No, Cormac, don't go texting her now.

"Get yourself some self-control."

So, I watched the Fast And Furious series, just to get my mind off her.

But then that made me horny.

Look, I'm sorry, but you were gone bloody ages,

and it's horrible being locked down here.

I'm not sure I can do this, man.

I feel like I'm getting cabin fever.

So hot and... how long did that Wikileaks fella last?

It's been nine hours.

Three months? You get less for murder.

Well, I'm hoping it won't take that long to get to the truth.

Solitary confinement.

I feel my body shutting down or something. Did you see her yet?

Who? Rosie.

Yes. She's fine.

What was she doing?

What? What was Rosie doing when you saw her?

She was...

..mopping.

Mopping?

Mopping what?

The deck. What deck?

Just... all of the decks.

Funny, that. Because Rosie isn't a cleaner.

She's a Cher tribute.

What the fuck are you... Get off me!

She is a Cher tribute.

She's a Cher tribute, you treacherous bastard!

Missing? It was two days before anyone even reported her gone.

And because the ship's registered to Panama for a tax dodge,

any crime on board has to be investigated by their police.

They sent a detective for one day.

You wouldn't believe the stuff these companies get away with.

I mean, this is a floating city with no police.

It's basically lawless.

Well, what did Velorum say?

She jumped. I know she didn't. She wouldn't.

A multi-million dollar corporation covering up negligence? Never.

You sound sure that she didn't jump.

I mean, we tell each other everything, you know.

She would have told me if she was struggling.

She had this strength like nobody I know.

She basically raised me after our mum,

and then our dad stopped functioning.

And now I've lost the only person who knows me.

Everyone on here is a suspect.

Someone on here knows something.

Danny had a phone in his room. I want to get him on his own.

I want to see what I can get out of him.

I can help you. Let me help. You can't do this on your own. No.

And, so far,

you're the only person on here who's bearable company.

And I lied to you.

My parents don't actually know that I'm on here either.

I might have maxed out my dad's stolen cards

paying for travel to get on here.

So, more on the run than running away, then?

What I'm saying is, you can trust me.

Just not with my credit card.

Are they not looking for you?

No. He's too proud to go to the police.

And too embarrassed by my very existence.

Thank you, Vivian, really. But...

And I'm an accessory now, aren't I? No offence,

you're obviously not as good

at this cloak and dagger thing as you think.

And you need someone to babysit Lurch.

Can you trust that he's not going to blow your cover?

KNOCK AT DOOR

Expecting someone?

Just a second. Hide the phone.

Hang on!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Vivian!

JAMIE PANTS

DEATH METAL MUSIC PLAYS

Argh! Where are we?

Just let me go. Please, please, just let me go.

I won't tell anyone about this.

Please just let me leave.

I won't say a word to anyone, just let me leave, please.

Where is she? What did you do with her?

Chill out.

Your mate's next door.

Somebody wants to meet you.

What is that?

It's a fish.

Time for some omega-3.

Go on.

Chill out, it's just a rite of passage.

That's everyone.

The French boy loved it.

HE SLAPS JAMIE'S REAR

MUSIC PLAYS

OTHERS CHEER

I suppose I've kissed worse. You only had to kiss it?

Look at them all.

Ground down by the mindlessness of work, made passive by...

Shots! Did they get you as well?

Up the bum. No babies!

I had to put her down.

What? The fish. You gave it a taste for flesh.

Yeah, I think I might have misunderstood the assignment

just a little bit.

No hard feelings, man. We all had to do it.

Well, nobody's ever gone as far as you did, you freak.

Come on, what are you drinking?

You know, it takes a special type of person to want to work 12 hours,

party eight and sleep four.

It's worth it, though, man.

You get mad pussy on here, mate.

Oh, look, the only mad pussy I've been near

is my nan's cat with dementia, so...

We all go a little mad sometimes.

Have we met before?

I don't think... No, no, see, I definitely know you from somewhere.

What's your name?

Cormac.

Cormac? Kelly.

Cormac Kelly.

You know, that rings a bell.

That rings a bell. And you know Hamish.

Hey, Hamish!

I was sorry to hear about what happened with your ex.

Was it... Pippa?

Sorry, I just, I didn't mean to,

it's just, the guys in the kitchen were talking, that's all. Sorry.

Yeah, I know.

We weren't together long.

Too clingy.

I had to pie her off.

Plenty more fish in the sea, though.

Sorry, man, it's all right. Couldn't resist.

But no, it's...

Pippa, it's really sad.

It's tragic.

Anyway, in a bit, you fucking mood hoover.

I'm sorry, Sophia. I lost it.

This ship is such a mind-fuck.

It's all one big lie.

Forget it.

But you have to promise me you'll keep it together.

You know,

the others said that you're just a cheap Pippa substitute,

but I think you're really cool.

Sam.

Sophia. What are you doing?

Getting some air.

Do you have a death wish? You know, if Karen catches you... Oh.

I'm writing you up.

We're missing the party.

# Lost track of the time, how long have I been here?

# Lost track of the time, how many tries have I failed? #

Still here?

Still here. Watered down vodka cranberry?

Why not?

Woo! Woo! Is it always like this?

Yeah, Velorum likes us to let off steam.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, this is a lot of steam. I'm Olly.

J... Er, Cormac. Cormac.

Nice to meet you, Cormac.

Rosie?

You're Rosie?

Sorry, do I know you?

No. No. I like your feathers.

GASPING

Stay if you want.

I'm gonna head back.

Who's Pippa?

What?

You kept calling me Pippa.

Did I?

Like, twice. It was weird.

Who is she?

I thought you were leaving.

Hilarious, Hamish.

You're not my type, bruv.

Have you heard the joke about the fucked up duck?

# Hey, baby

# You sure look sexy

# So sexy... #

There's this boy celebrating his 18th

but his dad doesn't have much money,

so he gives him this special lucky duck, tells him to go have fun.

# I can see the hunger in you... #

You're an accessory, remember?

DANNY: Now, this boy's a virgin.

Wants to test how lucky the duck is, so he finds an escort.

He says, "I can only pay with this duck."

She takes the duck, they bang, and after, she's like,

"Mate, that was amazing. I can't believe you're a virgin.

"Can we do it again?" He says,

"But I don't have anything else to give." She's like,

"No, no, please. Please, take the duck back. I just want more."

So they bang some more and it's great.

He gets home and his dad's like,

"So, how was your night, son?

"How was the lucky duck?"

The boy says...

CREW LAUGH

Help.

DANNY CRIES OUT

# Only you tonight... #

MUSIC FADES

DANNY GASPS FOR BREATH

# Only you tonight

# My one desire

# Only you tonight... #