All language subtitles for The.Conners.S06E10.480p.x264-RUBiK

We are gathered here today
to commemorate Jackie'’s
retirement from The Lunch Box

and the smooth transfer
of power to Harris.

-[Ben] Yay.
-[Mark] Yeah.

Yeah. Ever since I was
a little girl I had a dream,

and it died with
a lot of others.

And then this came along, so...
[sighs] ...thanks, everyone.

This is also
a significant occasion,

because Jackie is the first
member of the family
ever to retire.

-[Mark] Wow.
-[Neville] Hey.

You'’re absolutely right.

Generations of Conners
have been shunned, exiled,
run out of town on a rail

and killed in
industrial accidents where
liquor was found to be a cause.

But never, never retired.

-There we are.
-[all cheer]

Wow, Sis. Look at us.
Burger slinger and janitor.

Who would'’ve thought we'd
both be living our dreams?

I'’ll tell ya who:
your mother, the lunch lady.

-[laughs]
-Speech!

-[Neville and Becky]
Speech! Speech!
-No!

-Yeah. Speech.
-[Jackie] No.

No. I wouldn'’t
even know what to say.

Oh, God.

All right. Oka--
I'’ll skip to the last card.

"...happy and excited
because retiring will give me
what I want most:

spending more time
with Neville."

-[Neville and Becky] Aw.
-[Jackie laughs]

I would also like to announce

I'’ve finally hired a new vet
to cover me at the clinic,

so Jackie and I could spend as
much time as possible together.

-Aw.
-Hey. That'’s great, Neville.

Gosh, I'’m sure there aren't that
many big animal vets in Lanford.

I got lucky.

He'’s got a solid
education, a good attitude

and, surprisingly,
a long list of animal allergies.

But I guess that'’s what
those little white pills he pops
are for. [chuckles]

Anyway, I was under
a lot of pressure, and I got
a really good feeling about him.

Oh, sorry.

I was working on
my school board campaign, and
I completely lost track of time.

Hey. Uh...

do you guys mind if
I show you somethin'’?

Yeah.

Hey. Yeah. Hardware Magazine.

Make sure you hide this
under your mattress

before your mom
comes into your room.

My union buddy owns it,

and he asked me
if I'’d write an article

about the life
of a small-town hardware store.

[inhales] You believe that?

-[chuckling] No, not really.
-[Darlene chuckles]

I mean, that'’s nuts.
What about you says "writer"?

Like, last thing you wrote was
"wash me" on a dirty car window.

I don'’t do that anymore.

Now I write, "If only
your wife was this dirty."

[chuckling] Well, my
mistake, Shakespeare.

It was nice of the guy
to ask you, but you'’re gonna
say no, right?

I told him I'’d think about it.

You'’re actually
considering this?

[chuckling] I know
writing is your thing,

but there'’s no reason
it can'’t be my thing too.

[scoffing] I mean,
how hard is it?

It'’s like talking,
just with a pencil.

[chuckling] Well, I look forward
to reading your pencil talking.

This is not my first
time in-print, you know.

I actually had a quote
that made it in the newspapers.

Oh, I remember that.
You ran into a goalpost.

You were out for 12 hours,
and when you woke up
in the hospital,

you said to the reporter, "That
big yellow guy'’s really strong."

[Jackie] The Conners
is recorded

in front of
a live studio audience.

Oh, hey. I brought you
some Salisbury steaks from work.

They'’re, uh, past
their expiration date,

so if you can eat them
in the next, like, day or so,
that'’d be safest.

Perfect.
I'’m busy with my writing,

so I don'’t have time to cook.

Would you guys like to read
what I'’ve done so far?

I'’d love to.

It'’s just the opening,
but I think you'’ll see
why it took some time.

[Darlene] Mmm.

Did you get to the joke yet?

Uh-- Oh-- Oh, yes.
[chuckling] So funny. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, so funny.

-[Ben] Uh.
-[Darlene chuckles]

Yeah. Okay. Uh-huh.
Yeah, here it is.

-Right there at the end. Mmm.
-[Darlene] It'’s right
at the beginning. Oh, yeah.

-The beginning of the end.
-[Ben] The end of the beginning.

Well, it'’s the same. Yeah,
it'’s-- it's in-- it'’s in there.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

It'’s the one in the middle.

Oh. Very good.

It'’s unanimous!
I'’ve earned myself a brewski.

[chuckling] Oh-- Oh, my God.

When he said the opening,
he meant the literal opening
of the store.

"Eight o'’clock.

-I walk in,
turn on the lights...
-[sighs]

...and flip
the closed sign to open.

If I don'’t,
people will think it'’s closed,

which I'’ve done
a couple of times."

-Is that the joke?
[chuckling] Which one--
-[laughing]

[laughing]
Which one is the joke?

[laughing] I don'’t know.

[scoffs] Oh, my God.
Well, we'’ve got to help him.

-This is, like--
-No. No. No.

This is your dad'’s thing, okay?

Look, they had two people to
pick from to write this article.

One who'’s a professional writer,

and one who'’s a guy
that ran into a goalpost.

Oh. Am I sensing a tinge
of professional jealousy?

Hell yes. I'’m just as
surprised as you are.

I mean, I thought I could be
cool and generous about it,

but I hate that it'’s happening
for him and not for me.

Come on. You are so much better
than a hardware magazine.

-[grunts]
-Did you see
their feature story?

"Shake that Can: How
to Blend Your Paint."

Look, just do me a favor.

-Be the bigger person
and help him.
-[sighs]

You know, make sure
he doesn'’t embarrass himself.

[huffs] Well, I did help him pay
his mortgage

and make him partner
in my business,
so I guess I had this coming.

Hey. How come you wanted
to meet here for lunch?

-Uh, I wanted to talk
outside the office.
-Mmm.

[sighs] I had to
let the new vet go.

We had seven horse tranquilizers

in our med cabinet
before he started,

and now there'’s only three,
and we haven'’t had
a single horse come through.

-Mmm.
-Anyway... [sighs]
...for right now,

you can just keep coming
to the clinic with me.

I mean, you'’ve been
having fun, right?

Neville, I was okay with it
because you told me
it was temporary.

As much as I love you,
I don'’t consider it quality time

to hold down a pig'’s feet
during surgery.

Can'’t you take
a little time off? Huh?

-[Neville] I know, I--
-But, I mean,
I-- I-I retired for you.

I wish I could, but these
are my prime earning years.

And I-- I can'’t take off
without someone there
to cover for me.

-[phone buzzes]
-[sighs]

[Jackie] Mmm.

It'’s already happening.

There was a four-horse collision
at Hawthorne,

and we only have
three tranquilizers.

-[Jackie groans]
-Sorry, hon.

-I'’ll see you at home.
-[groans]

You okay?

Well, I gave up the restaurant
to be with Neville.

He'’s not even gonna be free.

Suddenly I just have
nothing to do with my time.

-Well, don'’t you
have any hobbies?
-[sighs] Yeah.

Sure. After I'’m on my feet
for 14 straight hours,

I love to mountain climb
and play a couple of rounds
of golf at the club.

Ah, you see there?

-Your hobby is being a bitch.
-[grunts]

Sorry. It'’s just that I'm
gonna wake up tomorrow morning

and stare at a whole day
with nothing to do.

No business. No husband.

Nothing left to do but die.

Well, there you go.

No. Louise, come
on. You gotta help me.

You can'’t be pretty and selfish.
It makes you unlikable.

Okay. These posters
are hot off the press

-from the school print shop.
-Ooh.

Oh. Thank you, Mark.
You'’re a lifesaver.

-"Our kids deserve...
-[Louise sighs]

...Lousie."

Oh, damn it. I didn'’t
have a chance to proof it.

I'’m trying to do
so many things at once.
I'’m-I'm just overwhelmed.

Sounds like you
could use some help.

-No.
-No. Hey, look-- look-- No, no.

Your plate is full.

You got
a free family member now.

I can do whatever you need.

I don'’t like to
work with relatives.

Well, Mark was helping you.

No. I-I-I was trying to be nice.

I just don'’t wanna do this
with you. We are oil and water.

That'’s a very
underrated dressing.

And if I stay,
I'’m sure I'll have to testify
against one of you, so bye.

-[Louise sighs]
-Come on.

Come on. We work
together all the time.

I just-- [sighs] I need
something to distract me
from missing Neville.

-No. Forget about it.
-[inhales]

We always end up butting heads.

Yeah. Well, that'’s 'cause,
you know, I didn'’t want you
to replace my sister.

And you didn'’t want me
to marry your brother.

But we got drunk
and swept it under the carpet,

so there'’s no way it
could bother us now.

Okay.

I do need somebody to help
me answer emails from parents.

I got this one from a guy

who said he would vote for me
if I would send him a video
of me hula-hooping

-in a leopard bra.
-Mmm.

And they say that
dads never get involved.

-[Louise]
See you tonight, Becky.
-Okay.

Okay. What'’s tonight?

Oh, um, I'’m gonna go see

Louise in action
at the parents'’ meeting.

She and her opponents are doing
a meet-the-candidates
kind of thing.

Oh, okay. Well, I guess
I should be there too,

now that I'’m her
Chief Communications Officer.

I thought you were
just answering her emails.

I'’ll just go listen to her speak
and maybe offer some tips.

As Lanford'’s leading life coach,

I'’ve had to address
large crowds on occasion.

Usually demanding
their money back.

And they were all able
to stand up for themselves,

because they had a
hell of a life coach.

Looking out for
the best interest
of Lanford schoolchildren

is not a job I take lightly.

I'’m a step-grandma,
so I have a dog in this hunt.

How do you think she'’s doing?
I thought that was
a pretty good speech.

It'’s a smoking hole
in the ground.

There'’s no pizzazz.
She'’s playin' it safe.

You know their positions.

-What'’s her opponent's
big pitch?
-[whispering] Oh.

She'’s pushing
free breakfast for poor kids.

Hungry kids. Damn
it, that'’s genius.

Does anyone have any questions
for Ms. Goldufski?

Watch this. Yes. I have a
question for the candidate.

Um, is it true
that your opponent is using
hungry children as clickbait

for her increasingly
desperate campaign? Thank you.

I would rather
discuss my campaign,

and I would rather discuss it
with somebody else.

Firm but fair. Firm but fair.

Ms. Smallwood, would you
like to respond to that?

I love children. I would
never use them as clickbait.

I don'’t even have a computer.
I use my grandson'’s.

Mmm. Afraid of technology.

AI'’s coming. We all
have to deal with it.

Kids need help, not gonna get it
from this Amish lady.

I'’m a little afraid to ask this,

but are there any more questions
for either candidate?

Yes, I do. I have a question
for Ms. Goldufski'’s opponent.

-No, you don'’t. No, you don't.
-[Jackie sniffs]

Is it true that, uh,
you don'’t love America?

Okay. I'’m out.

Uh, bye, person
I'’ve never met before.

Of course. I love America.

I just wanna say that
my opponent is a decent person

who also only wants
the best for our kids.

Look at this. A woman
who'’s got another woman's back.

She'’s the real deal, folks,
with a heart of "gold-ufski".

[Ben] Hey.

How'’s it going?

Actually, I'’m testing batteries

while coming up with ideas
for my writing.

I picked up a book
called How to Write.

It says if you
take breaks and do chores,
your brain will bubble up ideas.

Mmm. Just like that, huh?

Did you know
you'’re always writing,
even when you'’re just living?

[chuckles] Actually not.

For Conners, you'’re barely
living when you'’re just living.

Uh, look. [clears throat]

Your daughter, who loves you
very much, is worried about you.

And so, she said,
"Ben, you'’re a writer.

Why don'’t you go over there,
see if my dad could use
any help."

So, being a writer, I
said, "Sure." How can I help?

I appreciate it, but I'’m good.

How far along are you?

I'’m still on the
first paragraph.

I came up with some other stuff,
but it wasn'’t as good
so I threw it away.

Ah. Hey, look. I-I get the
kind of pressure you'’re feeling.

You'’re not used to doing
this kind of stuff.

You'’re worried about
embarrassing yourself.
[inhales deeply]

What, you think I'’m so stupid
I'’m gonna embarrass myself?

I didn'’t mean it
like that, okay?

You'’re not stupid. You're just,
you know, you'’re not a writer.

Every time I hear you say that,
all I hear is "you'’re a moron."

What'’s the matter? Are you mad

'’cause they picked
the dumb drywall guy
instead of the failed writer?

[sighs] You know what?
Screw you, old man. God.

You know, you wanna write about
a small-town hardware store?

You ought to tell them
about how hard it is

working with
your pig-headed father-in-law
who thinks he knows everything

but doesn'’t know that flipping
a closed sign is not a joke.

-That wasn'’t the joke.
-[grunts]

-Any real writer
would know that.
-[grunts]

So we need to find some dirt
on Louise'’s opponent.

There'’s something evil lurking
under that Chico'’s sweater set.
I know it.

I'’m-- I'm kind of
uncomfortable with this.

She'’s a widow
who works at an animal rescue,

an-and she'’s lived in the
same district for over 60 years.

Never successful
enough to move on.

Hey. We were waiting for you.

-What took you so long?
-There were hours of questions.

Mostly about you.

Mission accomplished.
Campaign'’s got buzz.

You had that
poor woman in tears.

Oh. We can use that.

Mark, write this down.

Is spontaneous crying
a sure sign of mental illness?

-What?
-Mmm. It'’s the trick.

They can'’t argue
against your facts
if you pose them as a question.

They do it on Ancient Aliens
all the time.

"Did the Ancient Aliens
come to Earth and build
the Pyramids of Tulum

as an energy source
for their death ray?"

You were only
supposed to answer emails.

What the hell were
you even doing there?

Thank God I was there. You
were getting your ass kicked.

-Right, Mark?
-I-I wasn'’t there.

Well, let me phrase that
differently. Was Mark there?

You'’re fired.

Okay, just t-tell me
what you want.

That'’s the way
I'’ll run your campaign.

You are not running my campaign.

Well, no. Not with you
interfering all the time.

No. Not ever. You'’re done.

That job was my life.

It was six hours.

That changed the world.

-Hey. [sighs] What you writing?
-Hey.

Uh, an article about
a small-town hardware store.

It'’s about how mom and pop shops
are the center of community life

and how we can'’t
just let that fade away.

Well, you were supposed to
help him, not write it for him.

Oh, this isn'’t for him.

But he'’s gonna see it.

Ah, you were asleep
when I got home last night,

but he called me
a failed writer.

Oh, crap. I'’m sorry.

No need. I'’m gonna shove
this great piece in his face

and show him
who'’s not a failed writer.

Uh, look.
I don'’t know why you think
you'’re competing with my dad.

I mean, he'’s a smart guy but
he wouldn'’t know good writing.

He'’s still surprised that
Garfield doesn'’t like Mondays.

I think you are trying
to prove something to yourself.

Hmm. And piss off your dad.

But what you really wanna do
is say to the world,

"Hey, I'’m still a great writer."

And piss off your dad.

Can'’t you just know how
talented you are and let it go?

Will that piss off your dad?

Yes.

Especially if you
keep it all inside.

[inhales deeply] Uh--
[stammers] It is good.

Yeah. And I know it,
and that'’ll have to be enough.

[sighs] You'’re such
a reasonable person.

What happened to the petty,
vindictive Darlene
I fell in love with?

She'’s inside and I know it
and that'’s enough.

She just fired me on the spot,

and I was only trying to
help her where she needed it,
which was everywhere.

Honey, I-I know us not spending
as much time together
was a curveball.

Naturally, you wanted
to throw yourself into something

but you kind of ran Louise over.

Well, it'’s hard for me to
sit back and watch people
do things wrong.

Harris, you'’re not putting
enough pepper in the stew.

My taste buds
haven'’t been dulled with age,

so I'’m seasoning it
for people who didn'’t fight
in the Great War.

If you wanna do something
in your retirement,

you may have to consider
not being the general

and just being a good soldier.

Like I am in our marriage.

Yeah, maybe you'’re right.

But you really feel like
you'’re the soldier
in our marriage?

How would you like me
to answer that?

You mean, "How would you
like me to answer that, sir?"

Then the answer
would be, "Yes, sir."

-Permission to approach
your lips, sir.
-Aw. [chuckles]

Hey.

Take that nonsense
out of my restaurant.

Hey, Louise.

Louise, can we talk?

[sighs] Nothing to talk about.

Look. Look, you--
you had every right to fire me.

I think I just got
caught up in trying to be
in charge of everything.

[sighs] It-- It'’s
always hard with us.

I can'’t help but feeling that
you resent me for some reason.

Well, I think maybe it'’s because
I resent everything about you.

I mean, everything
comes so easily for you.

You retired
and you immediately found
something fulfilling to do.

I have one free day,
I make a widow cry,
and I'’m banned from the library.

Well, it'’s not
all a bed of roses.

Last night I had to fire
a crazy staff worker.

Well, now that I'’m
figuring this out, um...

[sniffs]
...maybe it might be nice
if we spend some time together.

Like, I don'’t know, like maybe
if I was working for you
or something?

I am looking for someone
who won'’t derail my campaign.

Huh. Well, I don'’t have
any experience in that

but, um, I'’m willing to learn.

Dan, I know you'’re mad at me
but something'’s happened
and we need to talk.

Did you forget to tell me
you were a writer one more time?

[Ben sighs]

I'’m sorry, okay?

I didn'’t think you
could do the article,

but I should have just helped
and kept my mouth shut.

You'’d think being married to me,
you'’d know that instinctively.

Look, I didn'’t mean
to insult you, all right?

I was just going through
some stuff and I kind of
took it out on you.

[sighs] Uh.

I guess I got a
little defensive myself

'’cause I was so busy
trying to prove to myself

that I could have been
someone more than a guy
that swings a hammer

or hangs drywall. Hmm.

Well, you must be more
than that. You got a hot wife.

It'’s weird when you say that.

Uh. So, look.

I just got a call from the
editor of Hardware Magazine,

and they want me
to do a monthly column
based on the article I wrote.

I was just trying to prove
that I could still do it.

I didn'’t know Darlene
was gonna send it in.

And before you get any madder,
let me just remind you,

Louise has it going on.

I didn'’t send it in.

I did.

Wait, what?

It was so good
Darlene wanted me to see it,

and she was right.

You deserve that
article, not me.

You'’re a damn
fine failed writer.

Well, thank you. Gosh.

And, hey, don'’t beat
yourself up either.

You were at a disadvantage
trying to learn from
that stupid writing book.

I googled the author.

He'’s worth $50 million.

I am not having sex with you
until you write a stupid book
about writing.

And people will just
press on the drill

trying to put a hole
in the cinder block.

But what they don'’t know...
[chuckles] ...is
they need a masonry bit.

Aha. Aha.

You know what'’s really,
really fascinating?

You can use
a masonry bit on tile.

All you gotta do is
turn the RPMs down a little bit.

You keep talking about hardware,

you'’re gonna hear
all my retirement speech.

I swear to God.

[baby giggles]