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Okay, I finished Dad's cake.

Made it just the way he likes.

A layer of cake,

sausage, cake,

bacon, cake,

ham, frosting.

It's basically a frosted pig.

Well, I hope he gets here soon

because I got to run back to the cafeteria

and try to undo this crappy menu.

It's unhealthy food, but the good news is

it's prepared badly.

So why do you have to do it?

Isn't that one of the perks

of being a bottom-rung lunch lady in a dead-end job?

What? I said "perks."

Well, talk to the person in charge.

Make some changes.

Shake things up. Rattle some cages.

You know what? Jackie's right.

I got to do something more.

I'm not wired to just sit around

when I could be getting better food for these kids.

And that place is run so horribly.

Hey.

How did the parents at the PTA meeting

react to you running for the school board?

My big pitch was that I'd have more time for the kids

because I don't have any.

But most of the moms just muttered,

"Oh, that's how she can look like that."

You may be too pretty to win.

That's why I never went into politics.

Oh, yeah, that, and the only time you voted

was for Zendaya on "Dancing With the Stars."

You see?

It's still happening.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, we're all pretty.

Uh, right now, we have a lot of work to do

before Dan gets home.

Oh, look around, detective.

We've already done it.

Yeah, and now we have to take it all down.

Last night I was talking to Dan

and he was adamant about not making a big deal

over his 70th birthday.

We know he doesn't like it. That's why we do it.

Look, look, he's already on edge.

This morning, I saw him standing on the curb

screaming, "Don't move those lawn chairs.

I'll kill anybody who takes my parking space."

Well, you better hurry because his truck

is nudging the lawn chairs out of the way right now.

All right, come on.

Let's go, people. We gotta do this.

Why are you all standing in the living room?

Haven't you heard? Sitting is the new cancer.

And why is there a cake?

Well, we're just celebrating football

and the fact that we love cake with cake.

Happy football.

Why have we never done this before?

And why are we doing it on my birthday?

It's your birthday?

Oh, what?

No, it is so unimportant.

We don't even want to remember your birthday.

Actually, I'm annoyed you brought it up.

Well, you're going to be more annoyed

because I found a reason to celebrate.

He wants to celebrate.

Surprise!

And this isn't really a football cake.

It's a birthday cake.

Boo, football.

- Yay, birthday. - Yay.

I'm going to start taking my Social Security

and my union pension.

Yep, I beat the system.

By being poor and living longer

than the government thought I would.

Oh, Dan, this is amazing.

We've been working so hard for so long.

Now we can finally have some fun.

No!

I got bigger and better things playing for that money.

If I could scratch up another 10 grand,

I'm in striking distance of paying off this house.

Wow, so you're going to own it

before it's just mold in the shape of a house?

It'll be a race.

Happy birthday, Grandpa.

Too late. We moved past birthday.

We're on to houses now.

We dodged whether he's happy or unhappy about this day,

so don't start bringing up stuff

that's going to cause problems!

Okay, Grandpa,

there's some neutral circus peanuts for you on the table.

They're neither happy nor sad.

Sorry I was late.

Some guys at the dorm stole all the toilet seats to stair surf.

And since I'm the janitor, I'm supposed to replace them,

but I have no idea how to do it.

Oh, toilet seats are easy. I can teach you.

Passing down toilet knowledge?

Give me a minute. I'm getting emotional.

Here's a crazy thought.

What if you taught basic home repairs

to this entitled, helpless generation?

Sounds like a great idea.

Yeah, and we could get the word out to the neighbors

by putting flyers in their post boxes

and then stapling the rest to the telephone poles.

Or we could put it on a scroll

and have it announced by the town crier?

Or we could join the 21st century

and put it on the Nextdoor app.

I don't know.

Every time we're mentioned on Nextdoor,

it starts with, "whose turn is it

to talk to the hillbillies about" fill-in-the-blank.

The last one was about some guy in his underpants

chasing around loose chickens in his front yard.

First of all, it was an emergency.

Secondly, I wasn't chasing.

I was herding.

The chickens had gotten out

and they were about to cross the road.

And I was not about to be the butt of a very old joke.

Ah, thank y'all.

6x08 - Toilet Hacks and the Management Track

The Conners is recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

Okay, now who can show me where the bolts are

that hold the seat on this toilet,

courtesy of Olinsky Hardware for all your hardware needs

and protein bars.

Oh, I know.

No, no, the owner of the store may not answer.

- Oh. - Wow.

Nice.

Hey, pay attention so you learn something.

You don't want to end up useless like your father.

I know how the toilet can be emotionally triggering,

but let's hold that thought, and...

let's keep getting our learning on, yo.

Oh, my God.

Oh. Wow.

Finally got that fancy centerpiece

I've been dreaming about.

This is my wife, Louise, everybody.

And don't worry, honey. The toilet's never been used.

Mm, although a few old folks at the store sat on it,

but just to see if they could get back up.

Yeah, you just unscrew a couple of bolts,

and the seat comes right off.

Next, I'll show you how to break into your own garage

if your clicker is broken.

Or if you're feeling frisky,

break into your neighbor's garage

and sit in their new car.

I've got to get to soccer practice.

- You don't play soccer. - I'm going to join.

I'd rather be hit in the head with a ball than do this again.

All right, let me get this back to the store.

Honey, I'm so sorry.

I should have known that teenagers

just don't want to learn to fix anything around the house.

Oh, took a shot.

I was just hoping we could pay off the house faster.

I guess it's back to modeling.

I thought I'd worn my last Speedo.

Uh...

Yeah, you're right.

You have.

Oh, sorry to interrupt.

I'm looking for Marjorie, the school nutritionist.

You found her.

Oh, hi. I'm Darlene.

I'm glad you're finally in.

You are in, right? It's kind of dark in here.

I don't like to turn on lights.

It attracts people.

Anyway, I work on the line in the cafeteria.

Oh, God, you're not leaving.

All right.

Turn on the lights.

I will just be a second.

So I've worked here for a while now,

and I have some ideas about

how we can improve the quality of the food.

Darlene,

I've run food services at this school since 1965.

This nutrition chart...

gave our boys the energy

to beat the Germans in W-W-two.

I think it'll give our students the stamina

to play beer pong till 3:00 a.m.

Uh, that chart has butter as its own food group.

You're one of those change people.

No, it's... it's not radical.

All we've got to do is serve healthier ingredients

that the kids actually want to eat.

Then we just run the kitchen more efficiently,

and we can actually save a lot of money.

I don't have time for all of this.

Talk to the manager.

We don't have a manager. How do you not know that?

A lot of people think I'm not here.

I don't get a lot of news.

Okay, well, we've got ten employees

in desperate need of supervision.

Have you ever been convicted of a child-related crime?

What? No.

Fine. You're the manager.

Are you serious?

I'll give you a month.

If you can cut the budget by 25%,

we'll make it permanent and I'll give you a raise.

Oh, wow. Yes, I'm in.

That's amazing. Thank you.

But we're going to replace you on the line.

So if you fail, you're on the street.

Well, I get a tuition break for my son.

What about that?

It's gone.

Maybe you should'a thought of that

before you so recklessly climbed the corporate ladder.

Well, no, then I don't want the job.

It's too late. I already put in the paperwork.

That's impossible. I've been here the whole time.

I'm the only one who has to approve it.

So I imagined it, I signed it,

and I told myself, "Good job."

Anyway, welcome to the team.

Did I mention I never want to see you again

unless it's to fire you?

No, you didn't.

But I had a feeling.

I'll turn out the light.

Feel free to go back to hanging from the ceiling.

Now we know where to find

the reset button on the garbage disposal.

Now, if you'll meet me in the front yard,

I'll show you how putting your lawn furniture in the street

can save your parking spot.

Great.

Wow.

You got quite the turnout. That must make you feel good.

Yeah, it turns out the moms really wanted the classes

and they told their friends.

I got so many calls,

I had to add three night classes.

So you're going to work all day at the hardware store

and then work all night doing this?

Yeah, I'll be exhausted,

but it'll be a good exhausted when I pay off the house.

Oh.

You know, paying off the house is huge,

but you have to make some time for yourself.

I was going to make your favorite dinner tonight.

You know, something brown with something white.

Well, I won't be done with classes in time.

But it won't be long

before a home-cooked meal is actually cooked in our home.

As opposed to Citibank's home,

which sold it to Chase

which sold it to State Farm

which sold it to, if I remember my paperwork,

SmileDirectClub?

Who are you people?

We're students at Stephen A. Douglas.

And Ned.

Darlene invited the cafeteria staff here

to talk about how we're going to run things

now that she's the manager.

She's your boss?

My condolences.

She's hypercritical, controlling, and annoying.

I whipped up some delicious vegan snacks.

There's no such thing, so I'm right behind her

with something you actually want to eat.

Thank you for coming.

I know we don't all work the same shifts,

but I am looking forward to hearing your ideas

about how we can work more efficiently.

I'm Ashley.

You probably haven't seen me because I work nights.

And sometimes I forget to come in

because my pharmacy's been out of Adderall

and when I have Adderall, I'm usually late

because I log on to see what time my shift is

and I end up going down the Tom Holland rabbit hole.

I didn't really hear an idea there, Ashley.

What I'm looking for are ways to save money.

And I don't want to point fingers,

but there is a lot of waste in the kitchen.

You mean like when Bailey didn't show up,

so nobody put the chicken delivery in the freezer,

and then somebody called the cops

because it smelled like a dead body?

Okay, that's finger-pointing, and we're not doing that.

But yeah, like that.

Doesn't seem like you had any trouble

getting that prescription this week, huh, Ashley?

They're all flakes because they're all on work study.

They don't show up half the time.

Why else would you work there, Ned?

The hours are really flexible.

We can pretty much just show up whenever we want.

What? So no one has a set schedule?

How could she make things more efficient

when she can't count on anybody to...

oh, that's why you got the job so easy.

I'm screwed.

You're finally starting to get it, beautiful.

Okay, very productive meeting.

Thank you, everybody.

See you all tomorrow at 7:00 a.m. or whenever.

Oh, my God, I am such an idiot.

I just wanted to make things better at work.

And then my boss, who's clearly Mary Todd Lincoln's

older, crazier sister,

knew that I was on a suicide mission

and she set me up.

Well, hey, look.

I knew when you first took this lunch lady job

that it was going to be a struggle for you

to be in a position where you weren't calling the shots.

Yeah. I mean, I do like the idea of being manager.

I don't only want to be the boss of you.

I don't want that either.

Oh, hey, Louise,

could you close for me tonight?

Yeah, sure.

There's a bunch of strangers in my house anyway.

Dan is getting so popular

that he has classes every night this week.

Well, if you don't like it, tell him to stop.

No, I really can't.

It was my idea.

But it's gotten out of control.

I don't think he realizes that

he missed my school board meet-and-greet last night.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

So you don't have kids

and the person in your life who has kids isn't showing up?

Are you running on the scary loner platform?

I can't give the poor guy a hard time.

Last night,

he watched three episodes of the "Gilmore Girls"

because he was too tired to reach for the remote.

And it was in his hand.

And it was the "Gilmore Girls."

So how was your veggie burger?

That's not how you comfort somebody

who's in a terrible mood.

Sorry.

You're always in a terrible mood,

so just seems like,

I don't know, Wednesday.

Oh, thanks for asking.

It's my staff.

For the last two days,

I've been trying to get them to work as a team,

but it's useless because they're a bunch of entitled,

distracted halfwits.

Hmm.

Maybe it's the way you're addressing them?

No, no, no.

The problem is they're not professionals.

That's what you need.

You need a food service with real cooks

who are trained to bring in prepared meals.

And then you save a lot of money

because they know how to portion

for the amount of people that they're serving

and there isn't any waste.

Oh, my God.

Jackie, could you do that for me?

Huh? No. Hell, no.

No. It's a lot of work.

We don't have time for that.

But Becky and Louise, they're part-time,

so if they wanted to help.

And Harris is still learning how to run this place.

Becky?

Yeah?

I love you.

And I love you, too.

But my love for you is very conditional.

And I have a very full life, so

go love somebody else.

Go on. Shoo.

Oh, Harris.

Yes?

I love you.

Okay. What do you need?

I told you Darlene, she isn't ready.

Not ready for what?

Well, I'm looking for an outside source

who can prep healthier food for the cafeteria.

Otherwise, I'm going to lose my job

and Mark's going to have to quit school.

Well, how much food you need?

Well, I need... let's see.

200 grass-fed hamburgers,

150 coleslaws,

and a 100 orders of fresh-cut fries.

When do you need it by?

Tomorrow morning.

Okay, I think I can do that.

Harris, that's very sweet,

but you don't know how to work with these kind of quantities.

No, I want to do this.

I owe you so much, and I want to pay that back

so that the next time you try to guilt me,

I can say "hamburgers" and walk away.

Thank you. You're my hero.

You are so much better than the kids at my college.

Am I better than Mark?

I can't officially say.

I love you both equally.

No, no, Cindy.

Righty-tighty, lefty-loosey.

Dan.

Oh, hey.

I don't remember falling asleep.

But if it was before I parked, that's pretty impressive.

I don't like where this is going.

I'm starting to worry about you.

You're worried?

I don't remember eating these fries,

and that's not like me.

I try to be really present for them.

You're not going to be present for anything

if you don't slow down.

I know I'm working crazy hours,

but I can actually see the finish line

where I can leave the house to the kids with no debt.

This isn't about the finish line.

I think you are so used to being behind

that you're uncomfortable

unless you're constantly hustling.

Well, that's what being broke your whole life teaches you.

Yeah, but you don't have to do this all in a month.

You're going to get there. Just a little slower.

Maybe one class a week, maybe two.

And that way, you can still enjoy your life,

and I can enjoy it with you.

I want that, too.

I guess I could back it off a little.

I've never enjoyed life.

It sounds exciting.

Maybe hit a movie now and then.

Dinner and a movie.

Dinner and a movie. I knew it...

gold digger.

Yeah.

Well, if I'm a gold digger,

I'm the worst there's ever been.

You know,

it's been a long time since we made out in the truck.

You know we're going to pay for this with our sciaticas.

Yeah. It'll be worth it.

46...

47.

You okay?

Yeah.

Just having trouble catching my breath a little.

Can't seem to get ahead on this thing.

Kind of freaking out.

Mm. You've been here, like, three hours.

That's why I came back.

But a long way to go to 200 patties.

I know.

I started cutting up the cabbage for the coleslaw,

but then I thought about the potato,

so I started peeling those.

But then I realized that the hamburgers

were just sitting out,

so I felt I needed to get back to that.

I'm not doing anything, if you...

would you mind if I helped?

- Only if you really want to. - Yeah.

I don't need it.

Okay, swap.

There you go.

Hey, I got your text. What happened?

Sciatica.

Both of you?

Yeah.

We got all twisted up doing martial arts as a couple.

Huh. That's funny,

because I read on Nextdoor

that the hillbillies were going at it in their truck.