Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

I need a gun. Why? I'm worried he's going to find me and get me. Neil? Yes!

Maybe it's a good idea if I find my dad?

My mother. She's moving in here.

Ricky! Mum!

Come here tomorrow at 2:30 and let's talk face-to-face.

Karen's collapsed!

It's OK, it's OK, it's just nervous exhaustion.

Oh, yeah. You're going to be 15, soon, Ricky.

16! 16. 16.

Why don't you have a party?

This is your night, man. I'm going to lose my shit tonight. You're not.

Hey, hey. You're not.

Cheers.

Stop! Stop!

OK. Do it again.

THEY SCREAM

I just love your voice.

What are you doing? Yeah, I'm reading.

What are you reading? I'm reading an article in an online journal.

Read it out to me.

Why are you being so weird?

What do you reckon would happen if you snorted chocolate?

What are you doing?

What should I do? Wait for it to melt or something?

I'm sorry...

I love you. I miss you.

Listen, we shouldn't be here.

Go and have fun at your party. I love you.

OK, I love you, too.

Goodbye.

It's a dick holding another dick...

..who's holding a spliff.

MUSIC: Superstylin' by Groove Armada

Come on, you fuckers, dance!

RINGING TONE

Hello.

Hello, Richard.

A lacuna has emerged in my online schedule.

I thought we could just smuggle in a supervision session.

I am...

You're not making any sense at all, Richard.

No, I'm sorry.

Have you had a party?

No, yes. Yes. No.

Well, I haven't, but my son had a party, so I need to deal

with this first.

Can I call you back in...a couple of days?

There are some professional, ethical issues that we do need to discuss.

Yeah.

Are you an alcoholic? No.

Denial...

Have you taken any mind altering substances?

Paracetamol. How many? 11.

I mean, I do want to talk to you, just not today.

The thing is, Richard, part of the point of this clinical

supervision is that I'm supposed to see the warts and all.

Yeah. So, whatever you're going through right now...

Yeah. I advise you to tell me about it.

I'm going through...nausea.

Anxiety. Yeah.

I could do with a poo.

Do you want to go away and do that? Or? Can I? Yeah.

OK. Thank you, Miss.

Richard. Yeah? How are you doing?

You all right, you good? Did you? Have you?

What's going on? Did you mortgage the house?

Look, I've got something else I need to talk to you about. No, no, no.

Look, this is really important, man.

I think we should invest in Bitcoin.

What?! Bitcoin, let's do it.

What the fuck is big coin? Bit! Bit!

I don't want a bit of a coin, I want my fucking house remortgaged.

You're going to need it, trust me. I don't have any money, Ryan.

I don't have any money.

I have nada money.

You're the only person who can get me out of this.

I don't want that pressure, man. I can't.

Well, you've fucking got that pressure, Ryan.

You've got that fucking pressure. I think you should take it somewhere else.

Have you remortgaged the house?

You should take this somewhere else, I can't do this for you.

Answer me. I can't. Answer me! No, I haven't.

You're fucking kidding me, Ryan?

You are fucking kidding me? Argh!

I need that money. I can't...

He's going to...

Oh, God.

I don't know what to do, Ryan.

He's going to kill me.

Who's going to kill you?

Hello. Karen Muller, or Karen Pitt.

Pitt? Pitt.

Katharine Pitt?

Yes, it looks like she was discharged.

Discharged, when? This morning.

RINGING TONE OK, bye.

Hello?

Oh, hello, how about you, big man? Are you good?

Sorry? I said, how about you, big man, you good? Bitumen? Bitumen?

What? Who? Pardon?

Is this Sam Travis?

You well, big man, yeah?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I want you to help me with a problem.

Yeah. You see, I've got a problem with my voice, with my speech.

With your voice, yes.

I was riding my bike, and a taxi door opened, and I got a bang

on the head. You got a bang on the head?

Went in a coma.

When I come out of the coma, I talk like this.

How did you talk before you went into the coma?

Different, yeah? You ken?

Was your voice higher, or lower...

Aye, it was an octave and a half higher. Are you being funny with me, sunshine?

No, I'm trying to... Are you some kind of singing coach or something?

What do you want to know that for?

Well, you said you speak differently now. I'm just trying to work out how you spoke before!

My name is Sam Travis. Right.

And I'm no' from Scotland, I'm from Sevenoaks in Kent.

You're from Sevenoaks?

I've got foreign accent syndrome.

Right. I mean, it's a charming accent.

Are you taking the pish? What? Are you taking the pish?

No, I'm not taking the pish.

I'm no' Scottish. I dinnae want to sound Scottish.

I dinnae want to be Scottish.

It's a beautiful country, the Highlands are stunning.

Inverness, to the Highlands.

I was watching Homes Under The Hammer one time... Right.

..a man bought a house in Inverness for £1.

Yeah. How's that make the rest of us feel south of the border?

Right. Like, stupid.

How long's it been?

Well, I was in a coma for three months, and it's been another four.

Can you help me?

BUZZER

What do you want?

I can smell sick on your breath, Richard. OK, fair enough, you can.

I've been a bit sick this morning.

You're like 44, or something, aren't you? So?

So, what have you come round to say?

You've foisted Mum on me, and now you've come round to what?

I haven't foisted Mum on you. You initially asked me.

You asked me if I would take Mum at the time.

You couldn't, cos you didn't have a spare room. Yeah, I didn't have a spare room.

Because Chrissy lives in the spare room.

She sometimes sleeps there, she has to get up early for lectures.

Where does she sleep elsewhere, in a youth hostel?

She sleeps with me.

Does she? We share a bed.

Right.

You know, obviously those are details that I don't necessarily

need to share with you.

But, in this circumstance, I need to explain.

It's OK for Mum to come and live with us.

Me and Chrissy have talked about it.

We think that this isn't a good environment for her...

What? What?

..because of your breakdown.

What? Richard, it's almost like you're blocking her from me.

Why are you holding on to her?

OK, can I just not have my turn on her?

Your turn on her? She's not a fucking dodgem!

BUZZER

Shut up and listen.

OK, we're listening.

I'm going to take Mum off your hands. We're going to go to Dubai.

What is this, rent-a-mum week?

Dom, it's really fine.

I don't know what Richard said to you, it's really fine.

Me and Mum have talked.

She's definitely sure she wants to be with me and Chrissy.

Me and Chrissy.

Chrissy and our sister are lovers.

Why do you have to say "lovers" like that?

Why do you have to make out like it's something...

OK, Chrissy and Catherine are fucking. Is that better? We're in a relationship.

And how does that have any effect on Mum's death?

Yes, have you been... Death!

What? Three months, liver cancer.

So, I have used a contact in Dubai and I will be taking

her to a beautiful hospice, where she can spend the last days

of her life with a little dignity, not fighting and I think

she'd rather be with dark, handsome men than a couple of lesbyterians.

No offence.

Sleeping like an angel.

Mum, safely asleep in my house.

Aww, bless her.

Where are you going?

Mummy. I know you're sleeping, but I've got to go.

Mum?

OK. Sorry, where's my mother?

I don't know.

Richard, she's not here.

Where is she?

Well, you're looking after her tremendously, Richard.

Mum! Where the fuck is she?

Jose? Mr Pitt?

Where is she? I don't know.

Have you done something to her? Of course not.

You're supposed to be looking after her. I am.

I'm providing care, I'm really looking after her.

She said you abused her.

No way, Jose. I don't think we should be arguing about whether or not Mum's dying.

Whether it's a good thing or bad thing. All I'm saying is Mum told me she was dying.

Mum told you she was dying, but the doctor told me she wasn't, so she isn't.

Go look for her. I will. Look in all the pubs. There's one on the corner,

and one that's about 40 yards further up. Call me.

I will look in every pub and I will call you, Mr Pitt.

I will solve this problem.

RINGING TONE

Abs. Hey. What news?

Karen's coming back today. Is she OK?

Yes, she's fine. Don't worry, I've booked her a cab.

So you haven't got to worry about anything.

Is she coming here today? Yeah, it's all fine.

OK. Are you all right?

I don't know, Richard.

You don't know? I lost my job.

I haven't got any savings. Haven't you?

Fiona's been arrested for fraud, so I think that's the end.

Of everything, really, for me.

OK, well, you need to come back and just get your act together,

and it'll be fine.

Look, man, I'm just going to...

I'm just going to go.

You're going to go? OK.

Well, thank you for looking after Karen for...

No, I'm going to go away. You're going to go away? For a long time.

OK, take a break. That's a good idea.

I'm just going to walk, Richard... Good, fresh air is good for you.

..in the mountains. Oh, well, that's even better.

For as long as it takes. As long as what takes?

Abs, what does that mean?

Where are you... Abs?

BUZZER

Yo, man. Does Richard Pitt live here?

Yeah. Dad?

Dad? Dad.

Dad? Dad!

Dad!

Jackson.

Hey.

Jackson, what are you doing here?

OK, I've flown halfway across the world to tell you this.

You told me to go and find my father.

Right. And I have, OK?

Me and you got on, right? Yeah.

You helped me, you changed my life. Good.

That's why it brings me overwhelming happiness to tell

you that...

..you're my father!

What? I found you.

Jackson, I'm not your father.

Yes, you are. No, I'm not.

OK, I have a photo of the two of you.

The two of who? You and my mom.

That's not me. Yes, it is.

No, it's not.

Sorry. OK, her name's Chanel Bailey.

Means nothing. I'm from Silver Lake California.

I have never been there.

OK, I'm 24 years old.

24 years old.

Do you know what, it's fine.

I knew you'd react like this.

And that's why I propose that we do a DNA test.

What?! And let's confirm what I already know.

I know that you're my dad.

If you just do the test, we'll get the answer that I know is true.

I'm not doing a DNA test. Do a DNA test. No. Why?

Because it's weird. What are you talking about?

It's not weird. Don't deny your son.

RINGING TONE I've got to get that, my mum's missing.

Grandmother's missing?

She's not your grandmother.

MESSAGE CHIMES Any news?

No, I haven't seen her anywhere.

I looked in every pub, every restaurant... Right.

..every wine bar. She's nowhere. OK. Who's that?

Oh...that's Jackson.

I'm his son. He's not my son.

We're getting a DNA test. No, we're not!

Listen, you can buy a DNA test from any chemist in the high street.

Great! Jose! MESSAGE CHIMES

Oh, er, I gotta go.

Hello. Hi!

Hello, hello. Hi. Look where I am.

Look where I am. Where are you?

I'm at the hospital. Oh! My sister has woken up.

She's OK. She's awake?

Yes, hang on.

Wow! I know, I know.

It's like the best day I think I've ever had in my life.

She doesn't look very awake.

Well she's asleep right now, but I had a phone call last, um, well,

last night from the hospital. She's basically going to be fine.

She is alive and well.

She's sleeping now, and any minute, she'll wake up.

And I'm going to be here. Incredible! I feel I should leave

you two to it. No! You have to be here.

This is because of you.

Oh, it's not because of me. You have changed my life!

I'm not sure about that, but... Yeah, Oh, my God! Hello.

Hi, gorgeous.

What? What? It's me. What's going on?

Who, who are you? What? Who?

What's... No, no, no, no, no.

Somebody please help me. Who are you?

It's me, your sister. I don't have a sister! Yes, you do.

What are you talking about? Calm down, my darling. Calm down.

Don't tell me to calm down! I don't even know who you are!

Please. It's OK. Please, somebody!

No, no, no! We need to call the police! Stop! No, don't! Somebody call the police!

Calm down! Calm down! I can't be here!

SHE LAUGHS

I can't believe you bought it. It's so good. Never fails.

SHE LAUGHS

It's good seeing you again.

Ummm... Literally, I always do this.

Oh, do you? It's like a running thing, and she always falls for it.

She's so gullible. Hello, my name's Richard, by the way.

I'm, er... Are you two together? No. Are you lovers? What?

No. Do you want to be lovers? I'm her therapist.

Oh, you've got a therapist? I'm her therapist. I just wanted him to see

you. No, it's really good to see you, too, Jamie.

And, you know, thank you.

And I can't believe this is happening.

Yeah. Great.

Congratulations! No, no. It's not his. It's not mine, seriously.

But, er, isn't it great that your sister is, er,

is pregnant and having a baby very soon.

You're going to be there. You're going to be an auntie.

Very soon? How soon? How soon? Maybe you can be there with me.

After all the terrible... BED RATTLES

Oh, my God, Alice. Oh, my God, are you OK?

ALICE GROANS Nurse! Somebody! Somebody, quickly!

Nurse! Nurse! Somebody quickly!

Nurse!

ALICE LAUGHS Needed that laugh.

That is some funny, some funny shit, right?

Are the whole family like this?

BUZZER

Dad! Oh. Yeah. OK. Listen to me! I'm not your dad.

Hear me out! OK, if this isn't enough, if you don't believe me,

looking at me as if you don't know that I'm your son,

I got the next best thing. I got a DNA test.

OK, OK!

Two whole minutes. All I have to do is swab your cheek.

Richard! Richard! Is it about Mum? No, no. It's an exchange student.

I am your son! I don't know why you're fighting it! Two minutes. OK.

Be done with it! Shut the door. My God! Why are you...

Lock the door! Why are you fighting this, Dad?

Oh, my God. BUZZER

Richard! Oh. Hi. Hello. Sorry I'm a bit early.

No, no, not at all.

I'm rather excited. Yes, it is exciting. This is exciting.

Er... Balloons? It's like a group... If you, er, if you go upstairs.

No, it's...it's just, er... Who's that? It's a client.

I'll be, I'll be right back. I have to talk to you about the different stages... Right!

of my relationship with Izzy... Yes.

OK, like, what, how can I use this in a sentence?

In a reflective sentence, you'd say like, zeself...

This is actually my house, so... Oh, right? You're having a party?

No, I... Nathan!

What are you doing here? Is this part of the session?

Izzy is... No, no, no... ..my daughter. Dad!

Izzy. It's not important.

What kind of therapy sessions do you run here?

It's just normal stuff.

Relationships, everything like that, and you really have advanced so much.

Dylan. Dad.

Dad. I'm not your dad. What, it will only take a minute.

Oh, Ricky, look at you.

RICKY MUMBLES Sort yourself out!

I just shat myself. OK, thank you.

Bye-bye. Are you two sleeping together?

Well, we are. You know, in the sense that we're sharing.

I thought you broke up? We did break up.

I thought it was a one-time thing? In fact, I was left heartbroken, and that's why I turned to you.

You went with this guy when we were broken up, what three days? What do you mean "this guy"?

It didn't mean anything. Izzy, you took my virginity.

Do you understand that? What? How old are you?

That was a spiritual bond. How old are you mate?

Jose, talk to me. Any luck? No.

All I know is that somebody at six in the morning used my Uber account

to bring them to Kings Cross international. Kings Cross?

I asked the ticket office... No, they don't tell me anything.

So... No-one's heard anything?

Platform nine and three quarters is here, isn't it?

Yeah. I'm going to have a look, just to see and then I can help you look.

Harry Potter? Yes, Harry Potter.

Jose, pull the wand out of your ass and find my mum!

The reason I was talking to your uncle John about joining the Army.

You are too small, man.

What? You're way too small. Dude... I'm five, seven. I'm not...

How are you going to carry your gun? Look at your arms. Why are you saying all this stuff to me?

It's like, you're acting like it's...

OTHERS ARGUE FAINTLY

I'm, I'm going to miss you man.

I'll miss you too.

But, I just need to get out of this place.

You know, that's permanent marker on your chest.

This is permanent? Everything.

Man, I've one burger nipple. I'm going to be... I'm going to be sick again.

Get out, get out, get out!

Nathan?

Richard, what is going on? One second. I'll be right there.

Richard, we really need to talk right now.

Just give me a second. Hi, I don't understand this.

Yes. Did you know the entire time you were giving me therapy sessions

about your own daughter? Did you set the whole thing up? There are so many things we should discuss.

Absolutely, you're absolutely right. Let's discuss this like adults. Can I suggest we go into my office?

For a second. Fine. Is that OK? Great, now look. The thing I was thinking is...

Oi! Richard. HE BANGS ON DOOR

Let me out! Richard! BANGING CONTINUES

Don't go into the office. Dad, I need to talk to you.

No, Izzy, we need to talk. I feel like I'm the only one trying to save this relationship.

It, it doesn't matter because I...I'm going celibate. I need this.

I need some sort of a digital detox, or like a sexual cleanse.

From me? From...everything! I...

Daddy, I really need you to help me. Please just say something. Er...yeah...

Dad, I need to talk to you about the Army...

Yeah, I need to talk to YOU about soap.

Oi! One second, I'll be right there.

Seriously, Dad. Have a fucking bath.

Richard! You've got a message from Mum!

Dad, who is that? Exchange student.

Come down.

ACCORDION PLAYS FAINTLY Bonjour, mon cheries!

Guess where I am? Think romance.

You're right, Paris.

Isn't it wonderful? It's formidable. BALLOON POPS

Anyway loves, a tout for the moment, and remember...

# Non, non regrette...

MESSAGE PINGS # Je ne regrette rien... #

A tout, loves.

VIDEO CALL CHIMES

Hello. Listen, I'm sorry for banging on the door.

Don't worry, I get it now. You're a genius.

You put me in a room. Aversion therapy. All the things that threaten me.

The bisexuality, with the incest, with infidelity.

Beefy younger men in closed spaces is wonderful,

and in this room already I've had some real breakthroughs. I have just one question.

I have a seminar at two o'clock. How long do I have to be in here?

VIDEO CALL CHIMES

Mr Pitt, can I stay here when Ricky leaves?

What? Dad, I want to talk to you about consent. Consent?

You just need to fill out some forms cos I'm 16.

What forms? Dad, dad I'm joining the Army. Put some clothes on.

BANGING ON DOOR Where are you going now Mr Pitt?

I'm not going anywhere.

You know what, I'm going to do it.

I'm going to do it. There's no time like the present, eh?

I'm going to do it. This is it. This is it, God this is it, OK.

OK, I'll talk to you guys soon. OK, here we go.

VIDEO CALL CHIMES

Don't move, Dad. Get off of me.

What are you doing? I love you.

This is for us. I'm doing this for us.

I'm doing it for us. This is for me, and it is for you.

Don't touch it.

Yes! Yes! Oh, my God, yes!

Argh! Neil. Richard.

It's Neil... Argh...

Richard. Richard, wait!

No, Neil don't! Get off that fucking bike!

Richard!

Richard. Argh!

Stop it.

Oi! No, no, no.

Richard... Richard!

Neil, I... Neil... Richard.

I just want to say thank you.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for giving me therapy.

You've changed my life.

I'm bloody sorry about being such a twat.

Cos I know I was, and you don't deserve it.

You're an angel, you are.

Do I still have to pay you back the money?

Yeah, yeah, of course, yeah.

Yeah, you gotta pay me back, in't ya? OK...

Thank you.

WHISPERS: Fucking hell.

In fact, I love you. Right.

No-one's ever been as nice as you have.

I couldn't have done it without you.

Thank you. OK...

Look at the possibilities... HORN BEEPS

LAUGHING: I'm... I'm pregnant.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media