Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

Tool up. Go and put the security cameras up, quickly.

This is Richard, an online therapist that I see...

Nice to meet you. There's a thing that's worse.

I killed someone.

I'm sorry, I can't go through with the vasectomy.

I loved Starsky and Hutch. Isn't it the best show ever?

Are you for real?

Waka-taka, waka-taka.

I just want you to come and see me.

I will, Mum, I will.

You come back now.

OK, then. Thank you.

DOOR BUZZER

Door!

Izzy! Morning. Hey.

Ugh, fucking hell, what is this?

Fuck off.

It's crazy, Al.

INDISTINCT CHATTER

Aaagh!

DOOR BUZZER

BUZZER IS PRESSED REPEATEDLY

Morning.

DOOR BUZZER CONTINUES

Hi, John. Finally.

Honestly, Richard, you want a job done, you do it yourself.

Mummy, Jonny's here. Mum!

Jon-Jon! Oh, darling.

I came to see you.

I knew you would, it's so good.

Where are you going?

Jesus, Richard, Trunki want a bun?

Richard. Yeah, what?

I'm just been giving it some serious thought. Right.

I think Neil's going to hurt you, he's going to hurt you bad,

he's going to torture you. I think he's really going to cut you up.

He's going to cut off your balls.

I'm going to get your gonads and your penis in a box, sent to me.

Pete, have you sorted out the gear for the party tonight?

Leave it to me. It's fine, OK? You haven't got long.

Listen, I've been going through playlists, thinking about, you know,

what goes with what, what comes next.

It's not that easy being a DJ, OK, take it from me,

I've had lots of experience. Yes.

We could start with a kind of Groove Armada kind of thing. Right.

And then really go into sort of some minimal kind of techno.

What's minimal techno?

We might highlight it with a bit of Ace of Base.

That'll be the peak, then we'll come back down again

with Kruder and Dorfmeister or something like that, I don't know.

Play some Fleetwood Mac. Oh, Christ. What's wrong with Fleetwood Mac?

They're one of the biggest selling bands of all time.

I think we can be a bit more edgy than Fleetwood Mac.

Toto? Oh!

Now we're talking. Where would we be without Toto?

Do they only do the dignity thing in Switzerland, then?

Well, I haven't looked into it,

but I do know they do it in Switzerland,

but they may do it in Germany...

Because you see, I don't want to go and die in dignity

if I don't have to, I mean, you know what I mean.

No. I don't want to say, "Yes, OK, I'm going to go and die".

Going to go and die. And then the doctor suddenly say,

"Actually, ooh, whoops, you weren't that bad". You've turned a corner.

Yes. You know what I mean? Yes, Mum.

I couldn't bear that.

Whereas, you know, maybe in Dubai, it's not so final.

No.

Richard, I can't talk right now. I need to talk to you.

I'll call you when I get back to the... I need to...

It's the best man in the whole world now, Richard.

Bernard, now is not the time. It does me much pain to say this now,

and I know for you this is very tragic, but...

Bernard, it's not the time.

But Karen and me, we have a massive relation to each other.

No, you don't. We are very much in love with each other.

You're not in love with each other. Yeah. No, we are.

I know this is hard.

It's not hard, it's just not true.

I know you feel like this.

It's very busy here, darling.

At the moment, it's quite stressful.

Busy with the business of loving each other.

Bernard, can I say something to you? This is unbelievably...

Yeah. Inappropriate. Yeah, it's very sad for you. It is.

I don't phone your wife and say,

"Hey, I pumped a massive log into my pants".

Yeah, fine, I don't phone your wife and say,

"Oh, I sucked the teats of a pig". Richard.

Shit. Fuck me in the fucking...

What is wrong with him?

Something's happened. I don't know what that's about.

OK, listen, Karen, I know you don't have long.

I need to tell you I didn't go through with it, the vasectomy.

I didn't do it. I'm sorry. Oh, for goodness' sake. I'm so sorry.

The one thing I needed you to do. I know, I know.

I'd waxed everything. I was going to do it.

Have a look at that. I mean, I...

Oh, oh, oh, that is something I will never unsee. I know.

I'm so sorry. Look, when I get home,

we'll rebook the appointment and go together, all right?

Maybe it wasn't a good idea to try and - excuse me, what are you doing?

That's my laptop. Who's that?

Put that down.

Can you put that laptop back down, please? That's personal property.

What are you... Hey!

Church of Scientology.

You going to join that? I think so.

Get the fuck out...

All right, what...

Have a look at some other suggestions. How to join...

The army?

Have a look.

Let's do it.

Richard, hi.

How are you today?

Yeah, not terribly well. No.

I found a message on Izzy's phone

from someone saying, "I lick you forever". Oh, no.

And I don't know if it was "I like you forever"

or it was just misspelled. Oh, Nathan, I'm so sorry to hear that.

And it's probably just like slang...

That is, what a... It's awful, isn't it? What a, well...

I thought maybe I was overreacting.

No, you're not overreacting at all, that sounds pretty damming to me.

What I can see, though, is a person who's incredibly anxious.

If you are feeling like this,

then there's a good chance there's a manipulation going on,

an emotional manipulation.

You think she wanted me to see that message?

Well, on some level, possibly, yes.

But you met her, she's very sweet.

I don't know her from a hole in the road but she struck me,

I have to be honest, as a little manipulative,

a little scheming, a little controlling

and I think the time has come, maybe,

to try to try life apart from this woman.

You cry if you want to cry, you cry.

I've been such a fool.

I know, you have.

Why would she do this?

Because she's so young. She's so young.

Oh, my God, she's young. She's so young.

Disgustingly, wrongly young. What shall I do?

You have to end it. I can't. I know. It's hard.

Just write a text, you don't even have to see her.

I can't write a text. Let me help you to be free of it.

OK. Pick up your phone, pick up your phone.

OK. Go to text message, click on "Izzy",

and this is what you're going to say.

"It's over".

Do it. "It's over. I'm sorry.

"We can't see each other again.

"Ever." Oh...

Send it, send it, send it, send it, send it.

Argh!

It's sent, it's sent. Good, good.

It's sent, it's sent.

Argh.

Fuck it!

That worked.

LAPTOP CHIMES

Riam. Hi, Richard, how are you doing? Yeah, great.

Listen, I've just had my house valued

and it's worth a lot more than I thought it was originally,

and what I'd love you to do is remortgage it for me. Why?

Because I need to do some things with the money.

Your wife is on the mortgage, isn't she?

Yes, well, we own the house together.

So we're going to need her permission as well.

Riam, I don't want to tell her because it's a surprise

for her birthday.

Do you know how to do her signature?

Yeah.

We could do that.

Sort of like that?

You're a fucking genius.

Fill out the form now, fill it out.

Send it off. Send it off.

How old are you?

44. How old are you?

Oh, I see, for the form. Sorry.

44. Right. OK.

So next question, gender.

Income. My income or my wife's and my income?

I need yours and I need hers

and then I need you to add them up.

Hers is 90,000 a year and mine is 9,000 a year.

So let me just get a calculator here.

Sorry, one second.

Nine zero zero... Are you trying to add those together?

Plus nine zero zero zero equals...

Oh, sorry, no. Yes, 99.

Oh, no. What?

It says if you think you've made any spelling mistakes

or you have not used block capitals,

then you have to... I have to do this again.

Hello. Hey, man. How are you?

I'm good, how are you?

Just hold on a sec.

Ready for this?

FLUENT JAZZ PIANO

Oh, my God!

You are... No way.

Dude! Oh, my God.

Are you for real?

Yo, that was tight. Oh, my God. How good was that?

How long did that take you to learn?

I knew you'd be the only person who would appreciate that.

Yeah, I appreciate that to fuck. Oh, my God.

I got a lot of grief off my family for playing that so much.

No way, oh, my God, your family need to get with it, bro.

That was great. Thank you.

So, tell me, how are things?

Yeah, man, things are good, you know.

I've been thinking, maybe it's a good idea if I find my dad.

That's very interesting.

Well, I just think if I find him,

I mean if I go and say, "Look, here I am, I'm your son",

what I hope is that he'll be as excited as I am,

but even if he's not, at least I'll know, you know what I mean?

I think that's a very exciting prospect. You're excited by it?

Sure, I'm excited for you at the prospect

of you finding your father.

But do you know where even to begin to look?

Yeah, I know where he is. Wow.

Listen, dude, like, thank you. You're welcome.

Without you none of this would be happening, OK? All right.

Well, listen, good luck. Thank you, man.

I love, can I just say that I love the shirts?

Oh, dude, thank you very much.

I thought you were, sorry I was stupid,

I thought you were going to say, "I love you".

Like not in a weird way,

just kind of like in a family kind of way, you know.

All right, I'm fine.

You see, I was actually, I was actually thinking

of joining the army.

Good idea. Yeah.

Grandpa Jeremy did it, I did it. Well, that's what I thought.

I thought that maybe... Family tradition.

Yes, give me some advice. If you're thinking of joining the army,

you got to tidy this room up. Yeah, yeah, it's...

This would not pass inspection, let me tell you now.

Smells a bit spunky too, got to say.

Did you, like,

what kind of experiences did you have in the army?

What was the scariest thing you ever saw?

Well, I saw a dog shit up a wall once, which was very unusual.

You saw what?

An explosion went off, a roadside explosion,

and a dog just shat up a wall.

That's... Up a wall.

Wow, that...

Unusual.

That can't be the scariest thing.

Just two days ago, I lost a buddy.

An explosion happened and he bled out in front of me.

I mean, I tried to stuff what was there into the wound,

but it wasn't stopping for anything.

Then he cried like a baby.

I slapped him.

"Pull yourself together",

but he couldn't because he was almost in two separate parts.

LAPTOP RINGS

Richard. Yeah, Neil, hi.

I'm doing a bit of thinking. Oh, yeah?

Yeah, I think I've realised what the real issue is here. OK.

And that is that I've told you about what I did.

Oh, you, you don't need to worry because this is,

these are confidential.

That's as may be,

but that information still exists in your head.

That's where... That's what...

You can see my problem, can't you?

I've got to get that out of your head.

I mean, there's only one way I can think of to do that.

It's gone. It's not. What's not? It's still in there.

It's not, it's not.

Look, you told me, yes, you told me

and yes, I know and I will never reveal it,

that's the first thing you need to remember.

I'm just sorry.

That's understandable.

Sorry for your kids, really.

No, Neil. I'm sorry, mate. Neil, you don't need to feel that way.

What you've done is opened up and you're feeling vulnerable.

Look, I can see this is difficult for you.

It's difficult for all of us, Neil.

But shit happens, doesn't it? So...

No, no, wait, wait, Neil, no, wait, Neil, no, wait, please.

See you later. Neil, wait.

Neil!

Pete, I need a gun. What?

I need a gun. Why?

I'm worried he's going to find me and come and get me.

Neil? Yes.

Listen, we need to get onto...

..the Dark Web.

What's the Dark Web? Shh!

You don't talk about the Dark Web.

You're talking about it now.

We have to think about ways of getting to the...

We have to start off with innocent things,

get on the web looking staplers, or cushions or something.

If you go on there looking for those things, you can find certain codes

that leads you through pages that will get you onto the other side.

What are you talking about? Think about something like, I don't know,

antique cups, jubilee mugs, I don't know, something you want to

look for on the...

All right, jubilee mugs.

Antique jubilee mugs from 1977.

TYPING

Bring up images.

Yes. Is there one with the Queen upside down?

Oh, yes. Yeah, yeah.

OK, click on that image.

Right. Careful.

It says good condition, 4.99.

OK, what else? The seller's got a 96% rating.

Double-click on that. They're in Orpington.

We're getting there. Where are we getting?

It's a gateway. Like Bishops Stortford. They're gateways.

What, to Kent? To the Dark Web.

Will you please stop making me say it all the time?

Is the town name in highlights?

Yeah. Click on it.

What comes up? The Wikipedia page for Orpington.

Go to maps. Yes.

Find a war memorial.

We're looking for something like Terry Goddington or Louis Cypher.

You don't know what your doing, do you?

Just find a name that looks religiously suspicious.

OK, I've found a name.

What does it say? Arthur Bishop.

Might work. Right.

Anything?

He's from Orpington. Oh, my God.

Really? OK, send me the link.

TYPING

This is dangerous stuff, Richard.

What, we might end up with a mug we don't want?

PHONE RINGS Fucking hell. Oh, hello.

Richard, I need you to help me.

I've been very, very anxious.

Right. You may have seen we had a bit of a press debacle and I'm very

squeezed in, Richard. I've got to manage the PR on this

and Nigel's drinking all the time, he's drunk and I'm having to

drag him up, and that's why we're doing the photo session again,

Richard, because he couldn't stand up properly.

And Robin's gone to Kuta Beach. Kuta Beach? Kuta Beach, in Bali.

Nigel's lover? Right. Spending all our money... Oh, it's your money?

..sitting in little beach bars, probably sucking off all kinds of natives. What I want to say...

This is the moment where you give me the help, the advice, the what I'm fucking paying you for.

This is it, Pitt.

I understand you're angry. I understand that you're going through

a very difficult time and it's absolutely valid that you're feeling

the way you're feeling. Yes, well, that's all well and good, is it,

but what are you going to do about it?

It's OK to be vulnerable, Fiona.

No feeling lasts forever and it's human to feel vulnerable.

It's human to feel weak. Yes.

It's human to feel out of control.

It's OK.

I'm going to face the press.

Yeah. I'm going to say, you...

Yeah. ..see me...

Yeah. ..Fiona Fucking Bellingham.

Yeah. I'm going to say to Nigel, "Fuck off!"

Right. I'm going to come out and I'm gonna say,

"Do you want a piece of me, you peasants?"

Yeah. You're a fucking genius, Richard.

I have to admit, I had my doubts when I first saw you in your shitty

little house. But you've resurrected a supreme Fiona Bellingham from the

ashes. I am your Phoenix, Richard.

Well done. You've done very well. That's very kind of you.

I don't want to talk about me, though. What I would like to talk

about is money for the sessions. Still doesn't seem to have arrived

in my bank account.

Fucking Robin. Robin's taken...

And he's spending it like nobody's business.

But do you know what, there's something more important than money,

Richard, and that's honour. Yeah... And I think we can join hands,

can we not, across the divide and say we stand shoulder to shoulder,

that you've helped someone far superior to you in every way and

it just goes to show you that people like you can do it.

Richard. Yes?

Richard, I don't know if genius is too strong a word,

but I'm going to use it.

You are a genius. So everything is worked out for the best?

Better than I could ever have dreamed of.

And the more I think back on all our talks,

you've masterminded the whole thing from day one.

I mean, you obviously understood that Izzy would come by to collect

stuff and I would end up talking to her about my emotional debt,

about all these experiences.

Right. And as soon as I started talking to her... Yeah.

..about these things, it was like this veil lifted from her eyes.

And we looked at each other and we thought,

not only should we not be breaking up, we can never be apart.

Of course we can't.

I feel only now divesting myself of all this crap.

And now I am free and I am a man.

OK. I'm going to do something now that I don't do with many of my clients.

Please. I would like to give you an old-fashioned one-on-one,

in-person therapy session.

Are you up for that?

Absolutely. Great.

What I suggest is you come here, tomorrow at 2.30pm,

let's talk face-to-face.

Richard, I can't tell you...

I want to introduce you...

..to a couple of concepts.

PHONE RINGS

Werner. Hello, Richard.

Are you all right? Yeah, I am, to you a very thankful

person that you answer me.

Where are you?

So, I am by the police in Zurich.

Why? You know, the deal is, yeah, is gone in the trousers.

There was a journalist, he make very difficult questions,

what is going on, what makes Werner Leinhard with all this money?

Can I please tell you...

Oh, Werner, is this the time...

Very, for me, very important.

All this time I say that Karen, she want only to make fun

with my genital.

Yes. There's been a lot of that.

It's not true. She doesn't want to have fun with your genitals?

No. She is...

..the most fantastisch dame.

And you are very lucky man.

Are you OK? Well, I've watched many prison movies.

For example, the Shawshank Redemptions and so

I don't have a shower.

The sisters, they are one after another upside your asshole.

Right, I-I... I love you?

Richard. Abs. Richard.

Where are you? I'm in the hospital.

What, are you all right? Karen's collapsed.

What? It's OK, it's OK, it's fine.

It's fine. It's OK, it's just nervous exhaustion.

Where is she? She's here, look.

Put her on. No, she can't, she's passed out.

Look, she's fine, look, I just need to talk to you for a bit.

What do you mean she's passed out?

Richard, please, just focus on me for a minute.

No, I will not focus on you, Abs.

I don't know who I am.

Abs.

Pass me to a doctor.

I can't. Where are you, Abs?

Friesenberg Municipal Hospital in Zurich.

Friesenberg. Please, I just need some advice, please.

Abs, Abs, listen to me. I can't deal with this, I can't.

You have to look after my wife, you have to...

CALL DROPS OUT

PHONE RINGS

Hello. Listen, I'm in big trouble.

I've come to the end of my lollipop, Richard.

What? Yes, I'm done with analysis, therapy, psychodynamics.

No, no, no. No, you're not.

I'm done because I don't really believe...

..any of this does any good.

I'm here to tell you that is not true,

because you have achieved an enormous amount with me.

I have a much better relationship with my anus and with every anus out

there. I want you to be released.

I reject the release. I reject it.

I'm not having it.

Thing is, I haven't been strictly honest with you.

I have a serious problem.

A man, a violent man, who I owe a huge amount of money to.

I have lied to my wife, I've lied to you, I've lied to my family...

Shall I more honest with you?

Yes. You bore the shit out of me.

What? You bore me shitless.

You wallow in an oceanic shitfest of failure.

So? That's your default mode, to be the victim,

floating around in an ocean of your own shit.

I don't need the shit.

I want the shit because I thought you wanted my shit.

You liked the shit and you listened to my shit.

I'm signing off, Richard.

With a quote, as is my wont.

You...

..are the horror.

The horror.

The horror.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media