Original subtitles

Are you in a relationship at the moment? Yeah, actually,

she's one of my students. What was the name, again? Izzy. Did you set that up? Yeah, I did.

Only resolution, mate. This is the situation...

My mother, she's moving in here. Ricky! Mum!

You should get a vasectomy. OK. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah? OK.

You get one, pretending you're me.

Do you not know why I'm calling you?

There's absolutely no question you're getting your money.

Cry. No. Now. No.

Cry. No. Good.

We are carrying on with this!

I can't. Turn your back on me, I'll fucking kill you, mate!

Do you get the message?!

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

RADIO: The scandal involving Westminster

has been heightened today after it was revealed

that MP Nigel Bellingham's affair was with his wife's...

LOUD BUMP DOG YELPS AND WHIMPERS

Fiona Bellingham is yet to make a statement.

DOG YELPS AND WHIMPERS

Hello?

Look. Dad of the year!

Ah, Mr Pitt... Oh, yes. Do you need a hand with the...?

HE WHISPERS: Yeah, listen, there's a dead dog in the car.

Can you bring it in and make sure nobody sees it?

HE SIGHS

Oh. I feel sick.

Yeah, not as sick as me.

I'm having my nuts cut off later.

Richard, don't make this about you.

Well, that bit is. I've got to fire 86 people today.

Yeah, well... So, I'm not looking forward to my day either.

Good morning, Krane.

Hello. It's Karen. It's Karen.

What? Karen. It's Karen.

Oh, whatever you like. Nice to see you this morning.

How long are you planning on staying?

Ah, that's entirely up to little Richard.

Fantastic.

Remember, Ricky's birthday. Yes, Ricky's birthday. Of course.

I'll see you later. I can see your panty line. You should tell her

about her panty line.

You all right?

Darling, Richard.

My special boy.

Look at you.

I'm very grateful to you.

Oh.

I like to be near you, you see.

Oh, me, too. The only thing is, I wish you wouldn't speak so badly

about me to your father, because, you see, it means that he doesn't

speak to me, and I then think to myself, "Well, maybe it was because

"you wouldn't take the breast when you were a baby."

And I think that's what put your father off me.

Really and truly, it is your fault.

Oh. Oh, there, yes. No, I'll bring you some breakfast up.

No, I'll come back down again. I've only got to...

I'll bring it up, I'll bring it up. All right!

Can you pump her full of drugs

and knock her out for the rest of the day?

Yes.

Yes? Yeah.

OK. Good.

I have one question. Yeah? When am I going to get paid?

You'll get paid soon.

And the money you borrowed for the...? Shopping, I'll pay you that

back soon. Yeah, don't worry.

RINGING

Hello. Richard, hi. Thank you for seeing me again. Not at all.

I've been thinking a lot about what we were talking about last time.

Oh. I feel that there's a... Did you split up with her?

No, no, no. Quite the opposite, actually.

But I feel that to have a real conversation,

you probably need a bit more background.

When I was a little younger, I spent six months in Monrovia,

in Liberia, working at the Liberian Clown Institute.

OK, if I could just stop you for one second. That's all terrific.

I mean, I have been doing a little bit of research on my own,

I have to say, and I thought, maybe, I'm the prude here.

Maybe there is nothing wrong with a much older man

sleeping with his student.

Yeah, I mean, if I was...

Have you seen my headphones? I think I left them...

Yeah, no, I think... Are they not on the couch?

Sorry. Izzy, I'm just actually... I'm...

I think I left them... This is...

Izzy, this is Richard.

This is an online therapist that I see.

You're seeing a therapist? Yeah, we just talk about, kind of,

general issues. How nice to meet you.

How nice to put a face to all those stories I've been hearing.

Nice to meet you. Sorry, Richard, hold on one second.

They're just behind the couch. Oh, OK.

Izzy, how nice to talk to you.

HE MOUTHS: What the fuck are you doing?!

SHE WHISPERS: What the fuck are you doing?! HE WHISPERS: Get the fuck out there!

Are they in the bedroom? Erm, I don't know.

Erm... Izzy? Yeah, I think they might be in the bathroom.

Bathroom? Yeah.

What the fuck are you doing?! Don't make me come round there and whip your fucking arse!

Are you trying to puppeteer my fucking life?! You get out there right now!

He's your teacher! Think about that for one second! You've been talking to him about me?! It's immoral!

What the fuck is your problem?! It's not my problem! Oh, hi!

They were in the bathroom. Of course they were. Silly me.

It was really lovely to meet you. Richard, is it?

Lovely to meet you, too. Is it Izzy? Yes, thank you, yes.

Aw, lovely to meet you, young Izzy.

Thank you for all of your input, and I'm sure that, soon enough,

with your fantastic work... Yep. ..and my support, Nathan will be

in a really healthy place. Yeah, sure. And, Nathan...

Yeah, there we go. Nathan, all your secrets are safe with me. OK!

Nice to meet you, nice to meet you.

Bye.

RINGING

Hi, how you doing? You OK?

As you can imagine, it's a laugh a minute. OK, cool.

We are thrilled to have as our very special guest staying with us...

Things are really, really hard at the minute with my book.

..our... I'm feeling really, really stressed... ..mother.

..about it, cos I feel like I kind of knew what I was doing before...

Right. ..and now I'm just completely lost.

Can I just stop you there? Cos I've just realised something

really important. I don't care about your book.

I just realised that, because our mother's not been very well,

so perhaps we could talk about her.

I just asked you how she was and then you said...

No, you didn't. Whatever. Sorry, all I heard was a book,

"My book, my book, "my book, my big, hairy book."

I just wanted to say that I'm finding it hard, too.

Are you? Are you?

Is it hard?

Oh, wah, wah, wah!

Is this what you say to people...?

You're kind of like a psychopath, do you know that?

You're like an emotional psychopath.

You do that to me. It's really...

I just don't want this... I don't want this to be the thing

that completely sabotages my novel, because I don't want this whole

thing with Mum... Oh, Mum! ..and you...

Oh, that's... Yes, Mum, I knew there was something going on

in our family.

Yeah, OK. Bye now.

Dad! What?

Those festival tickets have gone, like...

They're at half the price that they were.

Oh, yeah, let's buy... Yeah, buy them now?

I tell you what, why don't you have a party?

Have a party! Dad... It'll be more fun.

Everyone can bring a bottle.

It'll be a lot cheaper. RINGING

I'd prefer... Let's have a party.

I've got a call coming through, off you go.

Go on.

I don't want a party.

So ungrateful. Quick!

RINGING

Hi, Dad. Morning, Richard. How was your weekend?

Really, really good. I feel about ten years younger.

I'm astonished I haven't done it before. What, south of France?

No, have the kind of weekend that I've just had.

Lively, was it?

It was very lively indeed.

Did you go and see any museums, or...?

No. When two people want to get to know each other well,

I don't think they do it by walking around museums.

What's she like? When I first met her, she was a junior in the

chambers I was in at the time.

You know, circumstances happen and...

She approached the bench, as it were?

Well, yes, you could say that. How old is she, your girlfriend?

Similar age to you, actually. I'm 44. Is she...?

Bit younger.

Wow.

Good work. "Good work"? I mean, you know, if you can get it.

Well done. Congratulations.

Hooray.

I'm of the opinion, Richard, that none of these things matter.

Oh, really? Is that your philosophy?

We in the judiciary, contrary to what you might think,

it is incumbent on us to be quite liberal in our thinking.

Well, we've all seen those films, like Scandal and stuff,

you lot are always at swingers' parties and, I don't know,

lying on the floor in a nappy, pretending to be a baby

while some hooker breast-feeds you.

I mean, isn't that what all judges are up to?

In a word, no.

One of them will spend their weekends being shat on

by dwarves. What?!

One of them will!

INDISTINCT SHOUTING

Oi!

LAUGHTER Come here!

Hurry up!

Crying out loud.

Noise!

You two ever eat home? You know, your home?

Ricky, when's your birthday?

Seriously? Yeah.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow!

I've got to sort something out for you, otherwise your mum'll kill me.

RINGING

And because I love you.

Thanks. Yeah.

Hello. So, on the vasectomy front, I have convinced my friend, Pete,

to go in my place and he is going to go this afternoon.

And I know I should probably feel bad about that, but I can't because

I'm just so relieved that I've managed to dodge this bullet.

Mm-hm.

That's it? "Mm-hm"?

You've won. You've won the vasectomy and you've won against your father.

Yeah. This is a great victory for you.

Be grateful for that.

How are you?

You look shaken, may I say.

I've no control over anything.

It's all chaos. What...? How long have you felt like this?

This is my issue, not yours.

It's become mine because... Let's talk about your vasectomy.

I don't wanna talk about my vasectomy. I wanna talk about you

and why you're floating away from me.

Think of me as a piece of shit, just floating away

on a shit tide in an ocean of shit.

Really?

And I'm just one more stool floatin' away. "Floatin'"?

I'm sunk, hook, line and sinker.

OK, well, we need to talk about this, then. Richard, I don't you,

and you don't need me. What happened to "revere the rectum"?

That was your gift to me.

Bob Dylan said this -

"Take care of your memories because you cannot relive them."

Right.

RICHARD WHISPERS: Jose?

Jose!

Is everything OK?

Yes, everything is going fine.

She's just a little bit windy.

Where's the dog?

I left it with Liam. What?

I left it with Liam.

MUSIC BLARES

# Hey, hey, hey

# Ride wi' me

# Yeah, wassup Ride wi' me

# Ride wi' me Just... #

RINGING

Hi! Hi. Oh, my God, you look great.

So do you.

Oh, thank you.

So, if we could pick up where we left off. Yeah.

Your parents committed suicide together... Mm-hm.

..your sister is in a coma... Yep.

..after being attacked by an army in the Congo... Yep.

..you're eight months pregnant... Sure am.

..and the father of your child, you are not in contact with any more.

Nope.

It's quite a list. Oh, yeah, and my dog's just gone missing, too.

And your dog's gone missing? Yeah. Rolf?

Rolf's probably just gone for a little walkies.

Can you remind me what Rolf looked like, please?

Oh, yeah!

Yeah. Aw, that's so sweet of you.

It's just here, actually.

HE WHISPERS: Oh, my God.

It's OK, don't worry. My God, that's so sweet of you.

It's OK! Oh, my God.

You're just the sweetest, aren't you? What a lucky wife you have.

Could we talk about your dead parents? Erm...

Yeah.

I was at work... Yeah. ..and I got a call... Mm.

..from my sister. How did she give the news?

Well, there's a sort of history with us where she would say things

to me like, "Mum and Dad are dead," and I'd be like,

"Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.

"They're dead, they're dead, they're dead.

"Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God."

And she'd be like, "Gotcha!" Erm...

And I'd be like, "Oh! OK, great that they're OK."

But that's a good joke.

So when she did phone and say about Mum and Dad,

I thought it was a joke.

It was only when I actually, you know, I went to the morgue,

up to that point I thought, you know, it'd be her going, "Ah!"

So, when I pulled the sheet up, I was like, you know,

"This is a good one!"

Erm...

And then there they were and...

it was definitely them, they were definitely dead.

You couldn't fully distinguish their features,

but there's a few things that my mum had on her...

SHE GIGGLES

So I knew it was definitely them and it wasn't a joke.

That was, like, shock number two.

OK. Here's the address.

Just leave it outside the house. Make sure nobody sees you.

OK? Mm-hm.

VIDEO CALL RINGS Hello, Neil.

Is that a...? Is that a "drink" drink?

I've just been going back over...

..all that stuff. Yeah.

All those things that we talked about that I'd done. Yeah.

I think I'm gonna puke.

Just thinking about my life. I'm gonna puke.

Emotion. Right.

It's like being in a deep-pan fryer, my brain is chips.

What it is is you're processing a lot of stuff that you're

going through...

There's a thing that's worse that I...

Yeah, I killed someone.

You what...? I killed someone.

Good. Good?! No, I mean good that you could say it, not good that you killed someone.

Pushed the bloke off a balcony in the city.

Yeah, he died. Just a bloke who was pissing me off.

And how do you feel about that now?

It's the thing, I don't care.

At all? No.

Any feelings one way or the other? No. Joy?

Glad I got away with it.

You know the needle thing? Yeah. I've been thinking

Mm. I reckon you probably need to tool up.

Don't want to worry you, could get heavy.

Just protect yourself. That's ridiculous.

Group therapy, let's make it about bereavement. A lot of people go through that

and it could be a really good money-spinner. And masturbation. A lot of people go through where

they masturbate too much. Make it about that. Is this about your vasectomy? What?! No.

You're doing a really good thing, you're taking control of your body...

Yeah, I'm thinking maybe I don't need to do it...

And you lied to a doctor, and if you are caught you will go to prison.

VCIDEO CALL RINGS

I've heard from a little birdie that you've had some return clients.

Yes! Yes, I have!

Well, I'm very flattered, really, that people enjoy my therapy

and feel it's so worthwhile that they come back for...

For unfinished business. Well, to drink at that well again.

It's great news, honestly.

Yes, it is, thank you. I can put it in your report. Yes.

How has it been going? I'm killing it. I'm literally, you know, destroying it. I'm murdering it.

It's an interesting choice of verbs.

Yeah, well, you know... Do you think you're fucking it up?

No, I'm crushing it. I was just joking...with that. OK.

But, yeah, I think just keep going with those clients...

Great. I'm just looking at my diary.

Oh, I've got someone phoning from America, actually. He phones me in

the middle of the night there, that's how keen he is...

Why is he calling someone in the middle of the night,

a British therapist?

Maybe my reputation has travelled the globe. No.

Oh. Don't be ridiculous.

VIDEO CALL RINGS

Hello. Hey.

Jackson, how are you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, good. Tell me, what brings you to therapy?

I live with my mum. Yeah.

And so we're like...

Just the two of you? Yeah.

And it's been like that for...? All my life.

So, did you ever know your father?

Erm, I...

..never knew him.

How do you feel about not knowing your father?

Have you seen that documentary Twinsters? Twinsters...

What's it about? So, basically, there's these two identical twins...

Right. They've never met...

Yeah. ..but they always knew that they were both missing something.

Do you have that fantasy there's a twin out there somewhere who is gonna complete you...?

Not my twin, my dad.

Yeah. I used to have a fantasy as well, that my parents

weren't my real parents and that Paul Michael Glaser - you know,

Starsky from Starsky & Hutch, was really my dad.

Oh, my God, Dude, I love Starsky & Hutch.

Isn't it the best show ever? Are you for real?

I love that show! Oh, my God, it was so good!

Starsky & Hutch was 92 episodes of perfection. Oh, my God!

Do you know what, that David Soul lives in London?

No way! Every time I go out shopping

I think, "Maybe today I'm gonna see him." I just have this image that he's gonna look across at me and go,

"You, you're the one I've been missing." "You. It's me and you, let's go!"

"Let's go, together, fight crime."

You're the one I've been missing, dude, you. That's exactly what I would say.

No, I'm saying that to you. That's what I'm saying. Oh, right, well, thank you very much.

Like there could be Starsky and you could be mini Starsky

and I could be like mini-mini Starsky kind of thing.

Cos I've got curly dark hair as well. You do! Different vibe, but...

This is gonna sound really weird, but we haven't met before, have we?

Me and you?

You know, you meet someone sometimes and you think...

There's something about you so familiar.

Yo. Someone has just come into the store.

Oh, OK.

I gotta go, man. Oh, sure.

I'm so sorry. All right.

Wacka-tacka-wacka-tacka-wacka-tacka.

I'm so sorry, I gotta go.

That's all right, Jackson. I'll see you later. Bye. OK.

Dexy, play the Starsky & Hutch theme tune.

MUSIC: THEME FROM STARSKY & HUTCH

VIDEO CALL RINGS

HE GROANS

VIDEO CALL RINGS

FYI, Richard, Mum's settled happily in Portugal. I sent her £2,000.

No. Yes. No. Yes!

She's upstairs, I'm looking at her now on my baby monitor.

For fuck's sake!

Get off, I need to speak to her.

Oh, my God!

PHONE: Don't fucking ignore me, you bastard. Answer!

My God!

Oh, my God, what are you going to do?

We've got to make this place more secure.

Go and put the security cameras up, quickly!

VIDEO CALL RINGS

John-John. Hello, Mummy.

Not John-John, John. What?

What's going on, Mum?

Are you grifting me? Are you riding me raw?

Please go. I don't care about the money,

the money doesn't mean anything. OK.

So it was a little white lie.

You don't understand, this is much more serious.

You know I've been to the doctors, you know I haven't been very well.

Don't say it, Mum. Actually I haven't told you all the truth.

Oh, God, Mum, it's terminal!

Wait. John...

I need you to be strong. OK?

I'm here, Mum, I'm here.

I want you this morning to come and see me, before it's too late.

I will. I don't know how long I've got.

Nobody else knows. I haven't told anybody else.

HE MOANS

Stop it. Now, listen. You've got to be strong for me.

I've got it, Mum, I've got a contact in Dubai. Dubai?

They've got a beautiful hospice shaped like a palm tree.

That sounds lovely, darling,

but I do happen to know that it's a dry country.

Only in public. In private, you can drink till your back teeth float.

VIDEO CALL RINGS

Hello?

Ja, Richard, hello.

You are super-beautiful and I'm so sorry

that I derange you, but Karen, she is by you in the house?

No, no, she's not here. She's at the London office.

I think she's firing people today. No, she's not, is she?

Oh, she's here. She IS here.

I'll take you to the clinic. Yeah.

Where do you stay? Eh?

Where do you stay?

Hi, Werner. You must come back now in Zurich, please.

In Zurich? I've just got back from the office in London.

We have a regular-sized problem, but perhaps soon it is, you know,

almost gigantisch, OK? So, please, come back in Zurich now.

Well, I just came back earlier. I have a hospital appointment.

I can come to Zurich first thing in the morning.

What?! You come tomorrow?!

All the world jumps with his asshole in my face.

If you do not want that my asshole jumps in your face,

you come back now!

OK, Werner...

OK, thank you. OK, thanks, Werner, we'll sort that out.

That's really nice, thank you. OK. Bye, now.

God! I'm so sorry I can't be there for your vasectomy.

That's OK. Are you going to be OK on your own? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're so brave.

Well... What did I do to deserve you?

I dunno. You better go.

Can you tell Izzy I'm sorry I didn't get to speak to her?

I miss her, and wish Ricky a happy birthday from me, OK? OK.

And thank you. Hey.

You're amazing. Well...

VIDEO CALL RINGS

Hello.

SHE SOBS

Erm.. Hi... Oh.

I'm really sorry.

I'm with...my friend...

There's a dead dog... Oh, no!

..in the front of my house.

Your dog! No, it's not even my dog... It's not your dog?

A dead dog. Why would somebody do that to me?

What kind of person would do that?

What are they trying to do to me?

Who would do that?

It was just a dead dog on my front doorstep!

But you are having a breakthrough here! I don't like it!

Emotionally.

I don't like...

But it's good you're feeling this way.

I don't like it! It's right to feel this...

Is it OK? It's appropriate you feel this.

It's appropriate. You're doing the right thing, and I'll speak to you soon. OK!

VIDEO CALL RINGS

Karen will never know you didn't have a vasectomy.

HE YELLS

That was a good one.

Er, turn round, I need to get into the back galleon.

Oh!

VIDEO CALL RINGS

Hello.

Richard. Pete.

I'm sorry, I can't go through with it. What?!

I can see your asshole perfectly now.

HE WHIMPERS

# All these things of shattered glass

# All your systems in collapse

# On the screen they move so fast

# It's just like life

# But we're dreaming. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media