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1
00:00:02,123 --> 00:00:04,523
Are you in a relationship
at the moment? Yeah, actually,
2
00:00:04,523 --> 00:00:08,203
she's one of my students.
What was the name, again? Izzy.
Did you set that up? Yeah, I did.
3
00:00:08,203 --> 00:00:10,363
Only resolution, mate.
This is the situation...
4
00:00:10,363 --> 00:00:13,243
My mother, she's moving in here.
Ricky! Mum!
5
00:00:13,243 --> 00:00:16,123
You should get a vasectomy.
OK. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah? OK.
6
00:00:16,123 --> 00:00:17,963
You get one, pretending you're me.
7
00:00:17,963 --> 00:00:19,643
Do you not know why I'm calling you?
8
00:00:19,643 --> 00:00:22,283
There's absolutely no question
you're getting your money.
9
00:00:22,283 --> 00:00:23,963
Cry. No. Now. No.
10
00:00:23,963 --> 00:00:26,163
Cry. No. Good.
11
00:00:26,163 --> 00:00:27,363
We are carrying on with this!
12
00:00:27,363 --> 00:00:29,763
I can't. Turn your back on me,
I'll fucking kill you, mate!
13
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Do you get the message?!
14
00:00:31,123 --> 00:00:38,803
This programme contains
strong language and adult humour.
15
00:00:47,803 --> 00:00:50,003
RADIO: The scandal
involving Westminster
16
00:00:50,003 --> 00:00:52,243
has been heightened today
after it was revealed
17
00:00:52,243 --> 00:00:55,483
that MP Nigel Bellingham's
affair was with his wife's...
18
00:00:55,483 --> 00:00:57,723
LOUD BUMP
DOG YELPS AND WHIMPERS
19
00:00:57,723 --> 00:01:00,203
Fiona Bellingham
is yet to make a statement.
20
00:01:02,203 --> 00:01:04,203
DOG YELPS AND WHIMPERS
21
00:01:17,363 --> 00:01:18,643
Hello?
22
00:01:29,083 --> 00:01:31,203
Look. Dad of the year!
23
00:01:31,203 --> 00:01:33,763
Ah, Mr Pitt... Oh, yes.
Do you need a hand with the...?
24
00:01:33,763 --> 00:01:36,083
HE WHISPERS: Yeah, listen,
there's a dead dog in the car.
25
00:01:36,083 --> 00:01:38,363
Can you bring it in
and make sure nobody sees it?
26
00:01:38,363 --> 00:01:40,043
HE SIGHS
27
00:01:40,043 --> 00:01:41,803
Oh. I feel sick.
28
00:01:41,803 --> 00:01:43,403
Yeah, not as sick as me.
29
00:01:43,403 --> 00:01:45,963
I'm having my nuts cut off later.
30
00:01:45,963 --> 00:01:48,803
Richard, don't make this about you.
31
00:01:48,803 --> 00:01:51,723
Well, that bit is.
I've got to fire 86 people today.
32
00:01:51,723 --> 00:01:54,163
Yeah, well... So, I'm not looking
forward to my day either.
33
00:01:54,163 --> 00:01:55,923
Good morning, Krane.
34
00:01:55,923 --> 00:01:58,163
Hello. It's Karen. It's Karen.
35
00:01:58,163 --> 00:01:59,923
What? Karen. It's Karen.
36
00:01:59,923 --> 00:02:04,083
Oh, whatever you like.
Nice to see you this morning.
37
00:02:04,083 --> 00:02:06,163
How long are you
planning on staying?
38
00:02:06,163 --> 00:02:09,763
Ah, that's entirely up
to little Richard.
39
00:02:09,763 --> 00:02:11,483
Fantastic.
40
00:02:11,483 --> 00:02:14,683
Remember, Ricky's birthday.
Yes, Ricky's birthday. Of course.
41
00:02:14,683 --> 00:02:17,323
I'll see you later. I can see your
panty line. You should tell her
42
00:02:17,323 --> 00:02:18,523
about her panty line.
43
00:02:19,563 --> 00:02:20,883
You all right?
44
00:02:20,883 --> 00:02:23,203
Darling, Richard.
45
00:02:23,203 --> 00:02:25,403
My special boy.
46
00:02:25,403 --> 00:02:27,683
Look at you.
47
00:02:27,683 --> 00:02:30,163
I'm very grateful to you.
48
00:02:30,163 --> 00:02:32,083
Oh.
49
00:02:32,083 --> 00:02:33,803
I like to be near you, you see.
50
00:02:33,803 --> 00:02:40,083
Oh, me, too. The only thing is,
I wish you wouldn't speak so badly
51
00:02:40,083 --> 00:02:45,243
about me to your father, because,
you see, it means that he doesn't
52
00:02:45,243 --> 00:02:50,123
speak to me, and I then think to
myself, "Well, maybe it was because
53
00:02:50,123 --> 00:02:53,883
"you wouldn't take the breast
when you were a baby."
54
00:02:53,883 --> 00:02:56,523
And I think that's
what put your father off me.
55
00:02:56,523 --> 00:02:59,123
Really and truly, it is your fault.
56
00:03:04,283 --> 00:03:07,923
Oh. Oh, there, yes. No, I'll bring
you some breakfast up.
57
00:03:07,923 --> 00:03:10,483
No, I'll come back down again.
I've only got to...
58
00:03:10,483 --> 00:03:12,803
I'll bring it up, I'll bring it up.
All right!
59
00:03:17,243 --> 00:03:18,723
Can you pump her full of drugs
60
00:03:18,723 --> 00:03:20,323
and knock her out for
the rest of the day?
61
00:03:20,323 --> 00:03:22,403
Yes.
62
00:03:22,403 --> 00:03:23,923
Yes? Yeah.
63
00:03:25,043 --> 00:03:26,723
OK. Good.
64
00:03:26,723 --> 00:03:29,323
I have one question. Yeah?
When am I going to get paid?
65
00:03:29,323 --> 00:03:30,763
You'll get paid soon.
66
00:03:30,763 --> 00:03:33,643
And the money you borrowed for
the...? Shopping, I'll pay you that
67
00:03:33,643 --> 00:03:35,083
back soon. Yeah, don't worry.
68
00:03:40,083 --> 00:03:43,043
RINGING
69
00:03:43,043 --> 00:03:45,803
Hello. Richard, hi. Thank you
for seeing me again. Not at all.
70
00:03:45,803 --> 00:03:48,483
I've been thinking a lot about what
we were talking about last time.
71
00:03:48,483 --> 00:03:50,963
Oh. I feel that there's a...
Did you split up with her?
72
00:03:50,963 --> 00:03:53,083
No, no, no.
Quite the opposite, actually.
73
00:03:53,083 --> 00:03:55,083
But I feel that
to have a real conversation,
74
00:03:55,083 --> 00:03:56,923
you probably
need a bit more background.
75
00:03:56,923 --> 00:03:59,843
When I was a little younger,
I spent six months in Monrovia,
76
00:03:59,843 --> 00:04:02,923
in Liberia, working at the
Liberian Clown Institute.
77
00:04:02,923 --> 00:04:06,003
OK, if I could just stop you
for one second. That's all terrific.
78
00:04:06,003 --> 00:04:08,523
I mean, I have been doing
a little bit of research on my own,
79
00:04:08,523 --> 00:04:11,963
I have to say, and I thought,
maybe, I'm the prude here.
80
00:04:11,963 --> 00:04:14,603
Maybe there is nothing wrong
with a much older man
81
00:04:14,603 --> 00:04:16,043
sleeping with his student.
82
00:04:16,043 --> 00:04:17,363
Yeah, I mean, if I was...
83
00:04:17,363 --> 00:04:19,483
Have you seen my headphones?
I think I left them...
84
00:04:19,483 --> 00:04:21,723
Yeah, no, I think...
Are they not on the couch?
85
00:04:21,723 --> 00:04:24,523
Sorry. Izzy, I'm just actually...
I'm...
86
00:04:24,523 --> 00:04:26,083
I think I left them... This is...
87
00:04:27,803 --> 00:04:29,123
Izzy, this is Richard.
88
00:04:29,123 --> 00:04:31,803
This is an online therapist
that I see.
89
00:04:31,803 --> 00:04:34,723
You're seeing a therapist?
Yeah, we just talk about, kind of,
90
00:04:34,723 --> 00:04:36,843
general issues.
How nice to meet you.
91
00:04:36,843 --> 00:04:40,563
How nice to put a face to all
those stories I've been hearing.
92
00:04:40,563 --> 00:04:44,003
Nice to meet you.
Sorry, Richard, hold on one second.
93
00:04:44,003 --> 00:04:46,163
They're just behind the couch.
Oh, OK.
94
00:04:47,403 --> 00:04:49,963
Izzy, how nice to talk to you.
95
00:04:49,963 --> 00:04:51,723
HE MOUTHS: What the fuck
are you doing?!
96
00:04:51,723 --> 00:04:55,043
SHE WHISPERS: What the fuck
are you doing?!
HE WHISPERS: Get the fuck out there!
97
00:04:55,043 --> 00:04:56,883
Are they in the bedroom?
Erm, I don't know.
98
00:04:56,883 --> 00:05:01,243
Erm... Izzy? Yeah, I think
they might be in the bathroom.
99
00:05:01,243 --> 00:05:02,923
Bathroom? Yeah.
100
00:05:04,883 --> 00:05:08,563
What the fuck are you doing?!
Don't make me come round there
and whip your fucking arse!
101
00:05:08,563 --> 00:05:11,643
Are you trying to puppeteer
my fucking life?!
You get out there right now!
102
00:05:11,643 --> 00:05:16,203
He's your teacher! Think about that
for one second! You've been talking
to him about me?! It's immoral!
103
00:05:16,203 --> 00:05:18,723
What the fuck is your problem?!
It's not my problem! Oh, hi!
104
00:05:18,723 --> 00:05:21,043
They were in the bathroom.
Of course they were. Silly me.
105
00:05:21,043 --> 00:05:23,443
It was really lovely to meet you.
Richard, is it?
106
00:05:23,443 --> 00:05:26,083
Lovely to meet you, too. Is it Izzy?
Yes, thank you, yes.
107
00:05:26,083 --> 00:05:27,643
Aw, lovely to meet you, young Izzy.
108
00:05:27,643 --> 00:05:30,523
Thank you for all of your input,
and I'm sure that, soon enough,
109
00:05:30,523 --> 00:05:34,163
with your fantastic work... Yep.
..and my support, Nathan will be
110
00:05:34,163 --> 00:05:37,563
in a really healthy place.
Yeah, sure. And, Nathan...
111
00:05:39,803 --> 00:05:44,283
Yeah, there we go. Nathan, all your
secrets are safe with me. OK!
112
00:05:44,283 --> 00:05:45,803
Nice to meet you, nice to meet you.
113
00:05:45,803 --> 00:05:46,923
Bye.
114
00:05:46,923 --> 00:05:48,643
RINGING
115
00:05:48,643 --> 00:05:51,923
Hi, how you doing? You OK?
116
00:05:51,923 --> 00:05:55,683
As you can imagine,
it's a laugh a minute. OK, cool.
117
00:05:55,683 --> 00:05:58,483
We are thrilled to have as our very
special guest staying with us...
118
00:05:58,483 --> 00:06:00,963
Things are really, really hard
at the minute with my book.
119
00:06:00,963 --> 00:06:03,563
..our... I'm feeling really,
really stressed... ..mother.
120
00:06:03,563 --> 00:06:06,243
..about it, cos I feel like I kind
of knew what I was doing before...
121
00:06:06,243 --> 00:06:08,043
Right. ..and now I'm
just completely lost.
122
00:06:08,043 --> 00:06:10,523
Can I just stop you there?
Cos I've just realised something
123
00:06:10,523 --> 00:06:12,483
really important.
I don't care about your book.
124
00:06:12,483 --> 00:06:15,323
I just realised that, because our
mother's not been very well,
125
00:06:15,323 --> 00:06:16,723
so perhaps we could talk about her.
126
00:06:16,723 --> 00:06:18,643
I just asked you how she was
and then you said...
127
00:06:18,643 --> 00:06:20,963
No, you didn't. Whatever.
Sorry, all I heard was a book,
128
00:06:20,963 --> 00:06:22,963
"My book, my book,
"my book, my big, hairy book."
129
00:06:22,963 --> 00:06:25,083
I just wanted to say
that I'm finding it hard, too.
130
00:06:25,083 --> 00:06:26,203
Are you? Are you?
131
00:06:26,203 --> 00:06:28,283
Is it hard?
132
00:06:28,283 --> 00:06:30,523
Oh, wah, wah, wah!
133
00:06:30,523 --> 00:06:32,323
Is this what you say to people...?
134
00:06:34,803 --> 00:06:37,003
You're kind of like a psychopath,
do you know that?
135
00:06:37,003 --> 00:06:39,523
You're like an emotional psychopath.
136
00:06:39,523 --> 00:06:41,003
You do that to me. It's really...
137
00:06:41,003 --> 00:06:44,203
I just don't want this...
I don't want this to be the thing
138
00:06:44,203 --> 00:06:47,923
that completely sabotages my novel,
because I don't want this whole
139
00:06:47,923 --> 00:06:49,683
thing with Mum... Oh, Mum!
..and you...
140
00:06:49,683 --> 00:06:52,163
Oh, that's... Yes, Mum, I knew there
was something going on
141
00:06:52,163 --> 00:06:53,603
in our family.
142
00:06:53,603 --> 00:06:55,363
Yeah, OK. Bye now.
143
00:06:55,363 --> 00:06:57,003
Dad! What?
144
00:06:57,003 --> 00:06:59,003
Those festival tickets have gone,
like...
145
00:06:59,003 --> 00:07:00,763
They're at half
the price that they were.
146
00:07:00,763 --> 00:07:02,643
Oh, yeah, let's buy...
Yeah, buy them now?
147
00:07:02,643 --> 00:07:04,963
I tell you what,
why don't you have a party?
148
00:07:06,363 --> 00:07:08,923
Have a party! Dad...
It'll be more fun.
149
00:07:08,923 --> 00:07:10,403
Everyone can bring a bottle.
150
00:07:10,403 --> 00:07:12,083
It'll be a lot cheaper.
RINGING
151
00:07:12,083 --> 00:07:13,643
I'd prefer... Let's have a party.
152
00:07:13,643 --> 00:07:15,643
I've got a call coming through,
off you go.
153
00:07:15,643 --> 00:07:16,883
Go on.
154
00:07:18,083 --> 00:07:20,043
I don't want a party.
155
00:07:20,043 --> 00:07:22,003
So ungrateful. Quick!
156
00:07:23,323 --> 00:07:26,683
RINGING
157
00:07:26,683 --> 00:07:29,163
Hi, Dad. Morning, Richard.
How was your weekend?
158
00:07:29,163 --> 00:07:32,043
Really, really good.
I feel about ten years younger.
159
00:07:32,043 --> 00:07:35,323
I'm astonished I haven't done
it before. What, south of France?
160
00:07:35,323 --> 00:07:37,923
No, have the kind of weekend
that I've just had.
161
00:07:37,923 --> 00:07:39,563
Lively, was it?
162
00:07:39,563 --> 00:07:41,843
It was very lively indeed.
163
00:07:41,843 --> 00:07:44,803
Did you go and see any museums,
or...?
164
00:07:44,803 --> 00:07:48,163
No. When two people want
to get to know each other well,
165
00:07:48,163 --> 00:07:51,043
I don't think they do it
by walking around museums.
166
00:07:51,043 --> 00:07:54,323
What's she like? When I first
met her, she was a junior in the
167
00:07:54,323 --> 00:07:56,563
chambers I was in at the time.
168
00:07:56,563 --> 00:07:59,363
You know,
circumstances happen and...
169
00:07:59,363 --> 00:08:01,403
She approached the bench,
as it were?
170
00:08:01,403 --> 00:08:04,403
Well, yes, you could say that.
How old is she, your girlfriend?
171
00:08:04,403 --> 00:08:07,643
Similar age to you, actually.
I'm 44. Is she...?
172
00:08:07,643 --> 00:08:08,923
Bit younger.
173
00:08:08,923 --> 00:08:10,283
Wow.
174
00:08:10,283 --> 00:08:13,163
Good work. "Good work"?
I mean, you know, if you can get it.
175
00:08:13,163 --> 00:08:15,243
Well done. Congratulations.
176
00:08:15,243 --> 00:08:16,523
Hooray.
177
00:08:16,523 --> 00:08:19,483
I'm of the opinion, Richard,
that none of these things matter.
178
00:08:19,483 --> 00:08:21,043
Oh, really? Is that your philosophy?
179
00:08:21,043 --> 00:08:24,723
We in the judiciary,
contrary to what you might think,
180
00:08:24,723 --> 00:08:28,483
it is incumbent on us to be
quite liberal in our thinking.
181
00:08:28,483 --> 00:08:31,723
Well, we've all seen those films,
like Scandal and stuff,
182
00:08:31,723 --> 00:08:34,683
you lot are always at
swingers' parties and, I don't know,
183
00:08:34,683 --> 00:08:37,723
lying on the floor in a nappy,
pretending to be a baby
184
00:08:37,723 --> 00:08:39,963
while some hooker breast-feeds you.
185
00:08:39,963 --> 00:08:42,003
I mean, isn't that what
all judges are up to?
186
00:08:42,003 --> 00:08:43,643
In a word, no.
187
00:08:43,643 --> 00:08:46,323
One of them will spend
their weekends being shat on
188
00:08:46,323 --> 00:08:48,163
by dwarves. What?!
189
00:08:48,163 --> 00:08:49,923
One of them will!
190
00:08:49,923 --> 00:08:53,003
INDISTINCT SHOUTING
191
00:08:53,003 --> 00:08:54,243
Oi!
192
00:08:54,243 --> 00:08:56,203
LAUGHTER
Come here!
193
00:08:57,483 --> 00:08:58,603
Hurry up!
194
00:09:00,243 --> 00:09:01,963
Crying out loud.
195
00:09:01,963 --> 00:09:04,203
Noise!
196
00:09:04,203 --> 00:09:07,443
You two ever eat home?
You know, your home?
197
00:09:07,443 --> 00:09:09,203
Ricky, when's your birthday?
198
00:09:09,203 --> 00:09:10,763
Seriously? Yeah.
199
00:09:10,763 --> 00:09:12,723
Tomorrow. Tomorrow!
200
00:09:12,723 --> 00:09:15,643
I've got to sort something out for
you, otherwise your mum'll kill me.
201
00:09:15,643 --> 00:09:16,883
RINGING
202
00:09:16,883 --> 00:09:18,323
And because I love you.
203
00:09:18,323 --> 00:09:19,883
Thanks. Yeah.
204
00:09:19,883 --> 00:09:25,123
Hello. So, on the vasectomy front,
I have convinced my friend, Pete,
205
00:09:25,123 --> 00:09:27,843
to go in my place and he is going
to go this afternoon.
206
00:09:27,843 --> 00:09:31,403
And I know I should probably feel
bad about that, but I can't because
207
00:09:31,403 --> 00:09:34,563
I'm just so relieved that
I've managed to dodge this bullet.
208
00:09:36,163 --> 00:09:37,563
Mm-hm.
209
00:09:37,563 --> 00:09:39,323
That's it? "Mm-hm"?
210
00:09:39,323 --> 00:09:43,163
You've won. You've won the vasectomy
and you've won against your father.
211
00:09:43,163 --> 00:09:44,843
Yeah.
This is a great victory for you.
212
00:09:44,843 --> 00:09:46,043
Be grateful for that.
213
00:09:47,123 --> 00:09:48,843
How are you?
214
00:09:48,843 --> 00:09:51,123
You look shaken, may I say.
215
00:09:51,123 --> 00:09:53,203
I've no control over anything.
216
00:09:53,203 --> 00:09:56,763
It's all chaos. What...?
How long have you felt like this?
217
00:09:56,763 --> 00:09:59,243
This is my issue, not yours.
218
00:09:59,243 --> 00:10:02,003
It's become mine because...
Let's talk about your vasectomy.
219
00:10:02,003 --> 00:10:04,683
I don't wanna talk about my
vasectomy. I wanna talk about you
220
00:10:04,683 --> 00:10:07,403
and why you're
floating away from me.
221
00:10:07,403 --> 00:10:09,483
Think of me as a piece of shit,
just floating away
222
00:10:09,483 --> 00:10:12,363
on a shit tide in an ocean of shit.
223
00:10:12,363 --> 00:10:13,323
Really?
224
00:10:13,323 --> 00:10:16,643
And I'm just one more stool
floatin' away. "Floatin'"?
225
00:10:16,643 --> 00:10:18,243
I'm sunk, hook, line and sinker.
226
00:10:18,243 --> 00:10:21,363
OK, well, we need to talk about
this, then. Richard, I don't you,
227
00:10:21,363 --> 00:10:23,803
and you don't need me. What happened
to "revere the rectum"?
228
00:10:23,803 --> 00:10:25,323
That was your gift to me.
229
00:10:25,323 --> 00:10:26,603
Bob Dylan said this -
230
00:10:26,603 --> 00:10:31,243
"Take care of your memories
because you cannot relive them."
231
00:10:31,243 --> 00:10:32,603
Right.
232
00:10:37,443 --> 00:10:38,683
RICHARD WHISPERS: Jose?
233
00:10:40,403 --> 00:10:41,683
Jose!
234
00:10:49,123 --> 00:10:50,443
Is everything OK?
235
00:10:50,443 --> 00:10:52,003
Yes, everything is going fine.
236
00:10:54,483 --> 00:10:56,403
She's just a little bit windy.
237
00:10:56,403 --> 00:10:58,083
Where's the dog?
238
00:10:58,083 --> 00:11:00,243
I left it with Liam. What?
239
00:11:01,363 --> 00:11:03,723
I left it with Liam.
240
00:11:03,723 --> 00:11:05,203
MUSIC BLARES
241
00:11:05,203 --> 00:11:06,403
# Hey, hey, hey
242
00:11:06,403 --> 00:11:07,803
# Ride wi' me
243
00:11:07,803 --> 00:11:10,483
# Yeah, wassup
Ride wi' me
244
00:11:10,483 --> 00:11:12,603
# Ride wi' me
Just... #
245
00:11:12,603 --> 00:11:15,363
RINGING
246
00:11:15,363 --> 00:11:17,803
Hi! Hi. Oh, my God, you look great.
247
00:11:17,803 --> 00:11:19,083
So do you.
248
00:11:19,083 --> 00:11:20,443
Oh, thank you.
249
00:11:20,443 --> 00:11:23,043
So, if we could pick up
where we left off. Yeah.
250
00:11:23,043 --> 00:11:25,723
Your parents committed suicide
together... Mm-hm.
251
00:11:25,723 --> 00:11:28,123
..your sister is in a coma... Yep.
252
00:11:28,123 --> 00:11:31,363
..after being attacked by
an army in the Congo... Yep.
253
00:11:31,363 --> 00:11:33,523
..you're eight months pregnant...
Sure am.
254
00:11:33,523 --> 00:11:39,643
..and the father of your child, you
are not in contact with any more.
255
00:11:39,643 --> 00:11:41,163
Nope.
256
00:11:41,163 --> 00:11:44,203
It's quite a list. Oh, yeah,
and my dog's just gone missing, too.
257
00:11:44,203 --> 00:11:46,723
And your dog's gone missing?
Yeah. Rolf?
258
00:11:46,723 --> 00:11:49,163
Rolf's probably just gone
for a little walkies.
259
00:11:49,163 --> 00:11:51,443
Can you remind me what
Rolf looked like, please?
260
00:11:51,443 --> 00:11:52,603
Oh, yeah!
261
00:11:52,603 --> 00:11:54,283
Yeah. Aw, that's so sweet of you.
262
00:11:54,283 --> 00:11:55,803
It's just here, actually.
263
00:11:59,003 --> 00:12:00,723
HE WHISPERS: Oh, my God.
264
00:12:00,723 --> 00:12:04,643
It's OK, don't worry.
My God, that's so sweet of you.
265
00:12:04,643 --> 00:12:07,083
It's OK! Oh, my God.
266
00:12:07,083 --> 00:12:09,763
You're just the sweetest, aren't
you? What a lucky wife you have.
267
00:12:09,763 --> 00:12:12,923
Could we talk about your
dead parents? Erm...
268
00:12:12,923 --> 00:12:14,443
Yeah.
269
00:12:14,443 --> 00:12:17,363
I was at work...
Yeah. ..and I got a call... Mm.
270
00:12:17,363 --> 00:12:19,963
..from my sister.
How did she give the news?
271
00:12:19,963 --> 00:12:23,123
Well, there's a sort of history
with us where she would say things
272
00:12:23,123 --> 00:12:25,043
to me like, "Mum and Dad are dead,"
and I'd be like,
273
00:12:25,043 --> 00:12:27,043
"Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, my God.
274
00:12:27,043 --> 00:12:28,923
"They're dead, they're dead,
they're dead.
275
00:12:28,923 --> 00:12:30,603
"Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God."
276
00:12:30,603 --> 00:12:32,683
And she'd be like, "Gotcha!"
Erm...
277
00:12:32,683 --> 00:12:35,963
And I'd be like,
"Oh! OK, great that they're OK."
278
00:12:35,963 --> 00:12:37,683
But that's a good joke.
279
00:12:37,683 --> 00:12:39,803
So when she did phone and say about
Mum and Dad,
280
00:12:39,803 --> 00:12:41,203
I thought it was a joke.
281
00:12:41,203 --> 00:12:43,603
It was only when I actually,
you know, I went to the morgue,
282
00:12:43,603 --> 00:12:47,763
up to that point I thought,
you know, it'd be her going, "Ah!"
283
00:12:47,763 --> 00:12:51,163
So, when I pulled the sheet up,
I was like, you know,
284
00:12:51,163 --> 00:12:52,883
"This is a good one!"
285
00:12:52,883 --> 00:12:54,443
Erm...
286
00:12:54,443 --> 00:12:57,563
And then there they were and...
287
00:12:57,563 --> 00:13:00,003
it was definitely them,
they were definitely dead.
288
00:13:00,003 --> 00:13:02,163
You couldn't
fully distinguish their features,
289
00:13:02,163 --> 00:13:04,443
but there's a few things
that my mum had on her...
290
00:13:04,443 --> 00:13:05,803
SHE GIGGLES
291
00:13:05,803 --> 00:13:08,163
So I knew it was definitely them
and it wasn't a joke.
292
00:13:08,163 --> 00:13:10,243
That was, like, shock number two.
293
00:13:11,883 --> 00:13:14,723
OK. Here's the address.
294
00:13:14,723 --> 00:13:17,643
Just leave it outside the house.
Make sure nobody sees you.
295
00:13:22,323 --> 00:13:23,883
OK? Mm-hm.
296
00:13:32,026 --> 00:13:35,146
VIDEO CALL RINGS
Hello, Neil.
297
00:13:35,226 --> 00:13:38,186
Is that a...? Is that a "drink"
drink?
298
00:13:38,186 --> 00:13:40,346
I've just been going back over...
299
00:13:40,346 --> 00:13:42,226
..all that stuff. Yeah.
300
00:13:42,226 --> 00:13:47,026
All those things that we talked
about that I'd done. Yeah.
301
00:13:47,626 --> 00:13:49,266
I think I'm gonna puke.
302
00:13:49,346 --> 00:13:52,426
Just thinking about my life.
I'm gonna puke.
303
00:13:52,426 --> 00:13:53,906
Emotion. Right.
304
00:13:53,906 --> 00:13:57,986
It's like being in a deep-pan fryer,
my brain is chips.
305
00:13:57,986 --> 00:14:00,266
What it is is you're processing a
lot of stuff that you're
306
00:14:00,266 --> 00:14:01,706
going through...
307
00:14:01,706 --> 00:14:05,226
There's a thing that's worse
that I...
308
00:14:05,226 --> 00:14:06,826
Yeah, I killed someone.
309
00:14:06,826 --> 00:14:08,546
You what...? I killed someone.
310
00:14:11,106 --> 00:14:15,466
Good. Good?! No, I mean good that
you could say it, not good that you
killed someone.
311
00:14:15,466 --> 00:14:17,906
Pushed the bloke off a balcony in
the city.
312
00:14:17,906 --> 00:14:20,826
Yeah, he died. Just a bloke who was
pissing me off.
313
00:14:20,826 --> 00:14:23,226
And how do you feel about that now?
314
00:14:23,226 --> 00:14:25,106
It's the thing, I don't care.
315
00:14:25,106 --> 00:14:26,466
At all? No.
316
00:14:26,466 --> 00:14:31,226
Any feelings one way or the other?
No. Joy?
317
00:14:31,226 --> 00:14:33,306
Glad I got away with it.
318
00:14:33,306 --> 00:14:36,186
You know the needle thing? Yeah.
I've been thinking
319
00:14:36,186 --> 00:14:38,986
Mm. I reckon you probably
need to tool up.
320
00:14:38,986 --> 00:14:40,866
Don't want to worry you,
could get heavy.
321
00:14:40,866 --> 00:14:43,226
Just protect yourself.
That's ridiculous.
322
00:14:43,226 --> 00:14:46,426
Group therapy,
let's make it about bereavement.
A lot of people go through that
323
00:14:46,426 --> 00:14:50,226
and it could be a really good
money-spinner. And masturbation.
A lot of people go through where
324
00:14:50,226 --> 00:14:55,066
they masturbate too much. Make it
about that. Is this about your
vasectomy? What?! No.
325
00:14:55,066 --> 00:14:58,706
You're doing a really good thing,
you're taking control of your
body...
326
00:14:58,706 --> 00:15:01,026
Yeah, I'm thinking maybe I
don't need to do it...
327
00:15:01,026 --> 00:15:05,986
And you lied to a doctor, and if you
are caught you will go to prison.
328
00:15:09,346 --> 00:15:11,226
VCIDEO CALL RINGS
329
00:15:14,866 --> 00:15:21,106
I've heard from a little birdie that
you've had some return clients.
330
00:15:21,106 --> 00:15:22,506
Yes! Yes, I have!
331
00:15:22,506 --> 00:15:25,946
Well, I'm very flattered, really,
that people enjoy my therapy
332
00:15:25,946 --> 00:15:28,906
and feel it's so worthwhile that
they come back for...
333
00:15:28,906 --> 00:15:31,826
For unfinished business.
Well, to drink at that well again.
334
00:15:31,826 --> 00:15:33,706
It's great news, honestly.
335
00:15:33,706 --> 00:15:36,226
Yes, it is, thank you. I can put it
in your report. Yes.
336
00:15:36,226 --> 00:15:40,386
How has it been going? I'm killing
it. I'm literally, you know,
destroying it. I'm murdering it.
337
00:15:40,386 --> 00:15:43,466
It's an interesting choice of
verbs.
338
00:15:43,466 --> 00:15:46,226
Yeah, well, you know...
Do you think you're fucking it up?
339
00:15:46,226 --> 00:15:49,066
No, I'm crushing it. I was just
joking...with that. OK.
340
00:15:49,066 --> 00:15:51,626
But, yeah, I think just keep going
with those clients...
341
00:15:51,626 --> 00:15:53,746
Great. I'm just looking at my diary.
342
00:15:53,746 --> 00:15:56,786
Oh, I've got someone phoning from
America, actually. He phones me in
343
00:15:56,786 --> 00:15:58,986
the middle of the night there,
that's how keen he is...
344
00:15:58,986 --> 00:16:01,546
Why is he calling someone in the
middle of the night,
345
00:16:01,546 --> 00:16:02,666
a British therapist?
346
00:16:02,666 --> 00:16:05,266
Maybe my reputation has
travelled the globe. No.
347
00:16:05,266 --> 00:16:08,146
Oh. Don't be ridiculous.
348
00:16:08,146 --> 00:16:10,706
VIDEO CALL RINGS
349
00:16:10,706 --> 00:16:13,626
Hello. Hey.
350
00:16:13,626 --> 00:16:15,146
Jackson, how are you?
351
00:16:15,146 --> 00:16:17,946
Yeah, yeah, yeah, good.
Tell me, what brings you to therapy?
352
00:16:17,946 --> 00:16:19,266
I live with my mum. Yeah.
353
00:16:19,266 --> 00:16:20,746
And so we're like...
354
00:16:20,746 --> 00:16:22,306
Just the two of you? Yeah.
355
00:16:22,306 --> 00:16:24,746
And it's been like that for...?
All my life.
356
00:16:24,746 --> 00:16:26,226
So, did you ever know your father?
357
00:16:26,226 --> 00:16:28,026
Erm, I...
358
00:16:28,026 --> 00:16:29,706
..never knew him.
359
00:16:30,506 --> 00:16:33,546
How do you feel about not
knowing your father?
360
00:16:33,546 --> 00:16:36,826
Have you seen that documentary
Twinsters? Twinsters...
361
00:16:36,826 --> 00:16:40,706
What's it about? So, basically,
there's these two identical twins...
362
00:16:40,706 --> 00:16:42,146
Right. They've never met...
363
00:16:42,146 --> 00:16:46,506
Yeah. ..but they always knew that
they were both missing something.
364
00:16:46,506 --> 00:16:51,266
Do you have that fantasy
there's a twin out there somewhere
who is gonna complete you...?
365
00:16:51,266 --> 00:16:53,386
Not my twin, my dad.
366
00:16:53,386 --> 00:16:56,666
Yeah. I used to have a fantasy as
well, that my parents
367
00:16:56,666 --> 00:16:59,866
weren't my real parents and that
Paul Michael Glaser - you know,
368
00:16:59,866 --> 00:17:02,426
Starsky from Starsky & Hutch, was
really my dad.
369
00:17:02,426 --> 00:17:06,106
Oh, my God, Dude, I love
Starsky & Hutch.
370
00:17:06,106 --> 00:17:08,346
Isn't it the best show ever?
Are you for real?
371
00:17:08,346 --> 00:17:11,586
I love that show! Oh, my God,
it was so good!
372
00:17:11,586 --> 00:17:15,026
Starsky & Hutch was 92 episodes
of perfection. Oh, my God!
373
00:17:15,026 --> 00:17:17,906
Do you know what,
that David Soul lives in London?
374
00:17:17,906 --> 00:17:19,666
No way!
Every time I go out shopping
375
00:17:19,666 --> 00:17:23,826
I think, "Maybe today I'm gonna see
him." I just have this image that
he's gonna look across at me and go,
376
00:17:23,826 --> 00:17:27,866
"You, you're the one I've been
missing." "You. It's me and you,
let's go!"
377
00:17:27,866 --> 00:17:29,946
"Let's go, together, fight crime."
378
00:17:29,946 --> 00:17:33,186
You're the one I've been missing,
dude, you. That's exactly what I
would say.
379
00:17:33,186 --> 00:17:36,906
No, I'm saying that to you. That's
what I'm saying. Oh, right, well,
thank you very much.
380
00:17:36,906 --> 00:17:39,506
Like there could be Starsky and you
could be mini Starsky
381
00:17:39,506 --> 00:17:42,066
and I could be like mini-mini
Starsky kind of thing.
382
00:17:42,066 --> 00:17:45,626
Cos I've got curly dark hair as
well. You do! Different vibe, but...
383
00:17:45,626 --> 00:17:48,706
This is gonna sound really weird,
but we haven't met before, have we?
384
00:17:48,706 --> 00:17:50,186
Me and you?
385
00:17:50,186 --> 00:17:52,826
You know, you meet someone sometimes
and you think...
386
00:17:52,826 --> 00:17:54,986
There's something about you so
familiar.
387
00:17:57,226 --> 00:17:59,906
Yo. Someone has just come
into the store.
388
00:17:59,906 --> 00:18:01,146
Oh, OK.
389
00:18:01,146 --> 00:18:03,266
I gotta go, man. Oh, sure.
390
00:18:03,266 --> 00:18:05,226
I'm so sorry. All right.
391
00:18:05,226 --> 00:18:07,346
Wacka-tacka-wacka-tacka-wacka-tacka.
392
00:18:07,986 --> 00:18:09,866
I'm so sorry, I gotta go.
393
00:18:09,866 --> 00:18:12,906
That's all right, Jackson.
I'll see you later. Bye. OK.
394
00:18:12,906 --> 00:18:15,906
Dexy, play the Starsky & Hutch
theme tune.
395
00:18:15,906 --> 00:18:18,946
MUSIC: THEME FROM STARSKY & HUTCH
396
00:18:23,306 --> 00:18:25,426
VIDEO CALL RINGS
397
00:18:30,546 --> 00:18:32,546
HE GROANS
398
00:18:37,026 --> 00:18:38,986
VIDEO CALL RINGS
399
00:18:38,986 --> 00:18:43,946
FYI, Richard, Mum's settled happily
in Portugal. I sent her £2,000.
400
00:18:43,946 --> 00:18:46,066
No. Yes. No. Yes!
401
00:18:46,066 --> 00:18:49,186
She's upstairs, I'm looking at her
now on my baby monitor.
402
00:18:49,186 --> 00:18:51,066
For fuck's sake!
403
00:18:51,066 --> 00:18:52,426
Get off, I need to speak to her.
404
00:19:04,986 --> 00:19:06,506
Oh, my God!
405
00:19:08,306 --> 00:19:12,306
PHONE: Don't fucking ignore me,
you bastard. Answer!
406
00:19:12,306 --> 00:19:14,906
My God!
407
00:19:16,506 --> 00:19:18,586
Oh, my God,
what are you going to do?
408
00:19:18,586 --> 00:19:20,506
We've got to make this
place more secure.
409
00:19:20,506 --> 00:19:23,146
Go and put the security cameras up,
quickly!
410
00:19:37,346 --> 00:19:39,546
VIDEO CALL RINGS
411
00:19:39,546 --> 00:19:41,906
John-John. Hello, Mummy.
412
00:19:41,906 --> 00:19:44,106
Not John-John, John. What?
413
00:19:44,106 --> 00:19:45,666
What's going on, Mum?
414
00:19:45,666 --> 00:19:47,706
Are you grifting me? Are you riding
me raw?
415
00:19:47,706 --> 00:19:49,746
Please go. I don't care about the
money,
416
00:19:49,746 --> 00:19:51,786
the money doesn't mean anything. OK.
417
00:19:51,786 --> 00:19:53,346
So it was a little white lie.
418
00:19:53,346 --> 00:19:55,946
You don't understand,
this is much more serious.
419
00:19:55,946 --> 00:19:58,786
You know I've been to the doctors,
you know I haven't been very well.
420
00:19:58,786 --> 00:20:01,826
Don't say it, Mum. Actually I
haven't told you all the truth.
421
00:20:01,826 --> 00:20:04,026
Oh, God, Mum, it's terminal!
422
00:20:04,026 --> 00:20:05,826
Wait. John...
423
00:20:05,826 --> 00:20:08,746
I need you to be strong. OK?
424
00:20:08,746 --> 00:20:09,986
I'm here, Mum, I'm here.
425
00:20:09,986 --> 00:20:12,946
I want you this morning to come and
see me, before it's too late.
426
00:20:12,946 --> 00:20:14,666
I will.
I don't know how long I've got.
427
00:20:14,666 --> 00:20:16,706
Nobody else knows.
I haven't told anybody else.
428
00:20:16,706 --> 00:20:18,586
HE MOANS
429
00:20:18,586 --> 00:20:21,346
Stop it. Now, listen.
You've got to be strong for me.
430
00:20:21,346 --> 00:20:24,586
I've got it, Mum, I've got a
contact in Dubai. Dubai?
431
00:20:24,586 --> 00:20:28,106
They've got a beautiful hospice
shaped like a palm tree.
432
00:20:28,106 --> 00:20:29,666
That sounds lovely, darling,
433
00:20:29,666 --> 00:20:34,426
but I do happen to know that it's
a dry country.
434
00:20:34,426 --> 00:20:38,466
Only in public. In private, you can
drink till your back teeth float.
435
00:20:38,466 --> 00:20:39,946
VIDEO CALL RINGS
436
00:20:39,946 --> 00:20:41,266
Hello?
437
00:20:41,266 --> 00:20:42,786
Ja, Richard, hello.
438
00:20:42,786 --> 00:20:45,346
You are super-beautiful
and I'm so sorry
439
00:20:45,346 --> 00:20:48,386
that I derange you, but Karen, she
is by you in the house?
440
00:20:48,386 --> 00:20:50,466
No, no, she's not here.
She's at the London office.
441
00:20:50,466 --> 00:20:53,466
I think she's firing people today.
No, she's not, is she?
442
00:20:53,466 --> 00:20:55,066
Oh, she's here. She IS here.
443
00:20:55,066 --> 00:20:56,986
I'll take you to the clinic. Yeah.
444
00:20:56,986 --> 00:20:59,426
Where do you stay? Eh?
445
00:20:59,426 --> 00:21:00,946
Where do you stay?
446
00:21:00,946 --> 00:21:03,546
Hi, Werner. You must come back now
in Zurich, please.
447
00:21:03,546 --> 00:21:06,506
In Zurich? I've just got back from
the office in London.
448
00:21:06,506 --> 00:21:10,706
We have a regular-sized problem,
but perhaps soon it is, you know,
449
00:21:10,706 --> 00:21:14,706
almost gigantisch, OK?
So, please, come back in Zurich now.
450
00:21:14,706 --> 00:21:17,666
Well, I just came back earlier.
I have a hospital appointment.
451
00:21:17,666 --> 00:21:19,586
I can come to Zurich first thing in
the morning.
452
00:21:19,586 --> 00:21:21,906
What?! You come tomorrow?!
453
00:21:21,906 --> 00:21:26,266
All the world jumps with his asshole
in my face.
454
00:21:26,266 --> 00:21:29,386
If you do not want that my asshole
jumps in your face,
455
00:21:29,386 --> 00:21:31,786
you come back now!
456
00:21:33,146 --> 00:21:34,666
OK, Werner...
457
00:21:34,666 --> 00:21:37,346
OK, thank you. OK, thanks, Werner,
we'll sort that out.
458
00:21:37,346 --> 00:21:39,546
That's really nice, thank you.
OK. Bye, now.
459
00:21:39,546 --> 00:21:42,226
God! I'm so sorry I can't be there
for your vasectomy.
460
00:21:42,226 --> 00:21:45,946
That's OK. Are you going to be
OK on your own? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're so brave.
461
00:21:45,946 --> 00:21:47,986
Well...
What did I do to deserve you?
462
00:21:47,986 --> 00:21:49,746
I dunno. You better go.
463
00:21:49,746 --> 00:21:52,226
Can you tell Izzy I'm sorry I didn't
get to speak to her?
464
00:21:52,226 --> 00:21:54,506
I miss her, and wish Ricky a happy
birthday from me, OK? OK.
465
00:21:54,506 --> 00:21:56,146
And thank you. Hey.
466
00:21:56,146 --> 00:21:58,026
You're amazing. Well...
467
00:21:58,026 --> 00:21:59,386
VIDEO CALL RINGS
468
00:22:02,986 --> 00:22:04,426
Hello.
469
00:22:04,426 --> 00:22:05,586
SHE SOBS
470
00:22:05,586 --> 00:22:06,946
Erm.. Hi... Oh.
471
00:22:07,746 --> 00:22:10,506
I'm really sorry.
472
00:22:10,506 --> 00:22:14,826
I'm with...my friend...
473
00:22:14,826 --> 00:22:17,546
There's a dead dog... Oh, no!
474
00:22:17,546 --> 00:22:19,466
..in the front of my house.
475
00:22:19,466 --> 00:22:22,426
Your dog! No, it's not even my
dog... It's not your dog?
476
00:22:22,426 --> 00:22:25,306
A dead dog. Why would somebody do
that to me?
477
00:22:25,306 --> 00:22:27,866
What kind of person would do that?
478
00:22:27,866 --> 00:22:29,466
What are they trying to do to me?
479
00:22:29,466 --> 00:22:30,786
Who would do that?
480
00:22:30,786 --> 00:22:35,386
It was just a dead dog on my
front doorstep!
481
00:22:35,386 --> 00:22:38,066
But you are having a breakthrough
here! I don't like it!
482
00:22:38,066 --> 00:22:39,586
Emotionally.
483
00:22:39,586 --> 00:22:41,026
I don't like...
484
00:22:41,026 --> 00:22:43,146
But it's good you're feeling this
way.
485
00:22:43,146 --> 00:22:46,066
I don't like it!
It's right to feel this...
486
00:22:46,066 --> 00:22:48,506
Is it OK?
It's appropriate you feel this.
487
00:22:48,506 --> 00:22:52,746
It's appropriate.
You're doing the right thing,
and I'll speak to you soon. OK!
488
00:22:53,546 --> 00:22:55,506
VIDEO CALL RINGS
489
00:22:55,506 --> 00:22:58,266
Karen will never know you didn't
have a vasectomy.
490
00:22:58,266 --> 00:23:00,346
HE YELLS
491
00:23:00,346 --> 00:23:01,906
That was a good one.
492
00:23:01,906 --> 00:23:04,546
Er, turn round,
I need to get into the back galleon.
493
00:23:04,546 --> 00:23:06,466
Oh!
494
00:23:06,466 --> 00:23:07,906
VIDEO CALL RINGS
495
00:23:09,866 --> 00:23:11,306
Hello.
496
00:23:11,306 --> 00:23:12,706
Richard. Pete.
497
00:23:12,706 --> 00:23:15,666
I'm sorry, I can't go through with
it. What?!
498
00:23:15,666 --> 00:23:18,386
I can see your asshole
perfectly now.
499
00:23:18,386 --> 00:23:21,386
HE WHIMPERS
500
00:23:27,306 --> 00:23:30,426
# All these things of
shattered glass
501
00:23:30,426 --> 00:23:33,626
# All your systems in collapse
502
00:23:33,626 --> 00:23:36,626
# On the screen they move so fast
503
00:23:36,626 --> 00:23:38,866
# It's just like life
504
00:23:38,866 --> 00:23:41,546
# But we're dreaming. #
505
00:23:44,866 --> 00:23:47,226
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