All language subtitles for Hang.Ups.S01E03.HDTV.x264-KETTLE

This programme contains strong
language and adult humour.

Promo, let's do a promo.

Welcome to your first
therapy session.

When I was about 15
I had sex with her mum.

Why don't you get a vasectomy?

The amount of time you spend faffing
around, please, get a vasectomy.

This is the situation. Mum
needs somewhere to live,
so what are we going to do?

Why doesn't she just come and live
with Richard... Yeah. ..for now?

It's Izzy. She's got
relationship problems again.

I can't get involved
in Izzy's dramas.

Have you ever cared for anyone
before? Yes, I care about
a lot of people.

You've got the job. Great!

Action!

Hello, I'm Richard Pitt.
I'm a qualified therapist,

specialising in a wide...
"Mr Pitt? Mr Pitt?"

Where is that coming from? Oh...
"Mr Pitt?" Yes?

Mr Pitt? Yes, Jose!

He can't hear me. He can't hear you.

Erm, press that button. Right.

I've got it, I've got it.

Are you having a baby? No, no.
It's - my mum's moving in

and we need this to
keep an eye on her.

Your mum's moving in here? Yes.
Does Karen know? No! It's not
helpful, Pete, it's not helpful.

Yeah, Jose? Jose...
I think he's turned it off.

Mr Pitt, I'm trying to talk to you
but you have to press the button.

Yeah, I know that now. OK,
I'm going to see if it works

through the house, so just let me
know if you can hear me, OK?

OK, all right.

Mr Pitt, can you hear me?!

Well, of course I can hear you,
you're right there.

Hello? "Hi, it's Pauli Jones,
estate agent."

I'm here for the valuation.

Hi, could you not be an estate
agent. I don't want them to know.

Can you say you're an interior
designer? Oh. Yeah? Yeah, fine.

Quick as you can. Yeah, just
need to get some videos and photos.

"Mr Pitt?"

I am on the first floor. Eh...
"Mr Pitt?"

Hey, man. Just one second.

Yes, I can, Jose. Great.
Can you stop shouting! Who are you?

Izzy? Finally, you're up. You've got
to clear out of that room,

your grandmother's moving into it.

What's he doing?
Oh, he's not doing anything.

Dad, are you joking? What do you
mean she's moving into my room?

Mr Pitt, can you hear me?
Yes, I can hear you.

Ricky? Get up! Dad! Explain what...

Spacious,
with Scandinavian features.

Come in here. I've got to test
this baby monitor. Baby monitor?
What baby monitor?

"Hello?" Hello?
What do you want, Abs?

What are you thinking of wearing
to karaoke later?

"I was thinking fancy dress?
What do you think?"

I don't...I've got to go!
"Richard, Richard?"

Your grandmother's not very well, so
she's going to move in here and she
is going to stay in your room.

Mr Pitt? Yes!
This is complete shit!

Where am I supposed to stay then?

Well, you spend most of your time
sleeping at Zara's, stay there.

What is he talking about?

Dad! What did I say? She hasn't been
sleeping at Zara's,

she's been sleeping with her tutor!
Why didn't you tell me?
I did tell you.

Why are you filming this, Pete?
It works!

Pete, turn that off!

Fiona.

Quick, quick, very much quick,

because I am at work, so let's go,
go, go. I'll kick off, shall I?

Obviously Nigel has been popping
himself into other people's
cubbyholes.

That's obviously the main agenda
I'm assuming for today.

Meaning Nigel has been...?
Popping himself in other
people's cubbyholes.

I mean, you know,
the thing is, I'm very liberal.

All holes are goals
and I understand that.

However, we do have our public image
to think of, and obviously

being in PR, I'm very
well aware it's manageable,

but if you are entering so many
cubbyholes it's very difficult

to cover one's trail,
as it very much were.

Fiona, can I ask what you're
drinking? It's just a very little
gin and tonic.

Ah! Erm, alcohol in a session
is very much a no-no.

Well, I've the constitution of a,
of a, of a small Welsh pit pony

and I think I shall be fine.
Now, can we quickly get on
with the matters in hand?

So the right Honourable Nigel
is having an affair?

Well, supposedly
there is a front runner

and the front runner is Robin.
Robin? Nigel's PA.

A young, young man in his prime.

Vigorous, youthful, muscles
like a hard paddle.

Smooth grained
and soft to the touch.

His thick hair,
it's lustrous and shiny,

and...I shouldn't wonder
it smells of raspberries.

So, you're ambivalent about
Nigel sleeping with a man?

Look, as I've said,
a few drinks go down,

the blood all engorges the penis

and they find themselves
balls deep in a cubbyhole.

Is it something to worry about? No.

Do we just need to manage it?
Hell, yes.

And that's the worry, is it?
That this will come out

that he's having an affair
with somebody or...?

Yeah, I do see a little bit of
management being needed in terms
of the cubbyhole situation.

I'm quite happy to stand
by Ni's gate somewhere in Surrey

and look a little bit mournful.
It's my duty,

as spouse of a Parliamentary member.

I think if we can contain this, I
don't see there's really a problem.

BEEPS

Hello. Erm, hello.
You must be Nathan?

Hi, Richard.
What brings you to therapy today?

Well, I got an e-mail, for like
an introductory offer, I suppose.

Yeah. "I thought I'd follow
up just because, why not?"

Sure.
Well, tell me a bit about yourself.

What should I know about you?

Eh, so I'm a 31-year-old. Eh,
I'm a digital media, eh lecturer.

I live in west London. Eh...

Are you in a relationship
at the moment? I am. I'm a few
months into a new...

..yeah, relationship,
I suppose you could call it.

That's wonderful.
Someone you met at work?

Eh, yeah. She, she...to be honest,
she's one of my students, actually.

You said your student,
we are not talking...?

No, undergrad. She's 19 years old.
Oh, 19. Fine. Oh, you lucky bastard!

19, and you're 31? Well...

It's perfectly acceptable.
She's an adult

and we all need to try
and be open-minded.

Exactly! So, for example,
the first time I saw Izzy in class

I thought she was
one of those problem kids

who I can't get to concentrate, and
how am I going to engage with her?

What was the...what was
the name again?

Izzy. Izzy - Isabel.

What college was this?
Eh, Hampton college.

It's funny, because actually
we talked about this recently.

Teenagers, they are so
experimental and she...

Yeah, Nathan?
When you just said teenager,

it did alter my perception
of what is going on here. Teenager?

Izzy is a fully formed adult. Yeah.
When I say fully formed, I mean...

She may seem fully formed, but she's
actually 19 and 19 is young.

I bet if you look back at photos
of you when you were 19

you'd go, "My God!
I thought I was so old,

but I was literally a child."

You seem a little uneasy
about the relationship,

which is fine, but maybe we should
talk... Yeah. ..more about it.

Do you have any other...?
If you like, look on the website,
that would be terrific.

Thanks so much for calling, Nathan.
Have a good day.

RINGS

BEEPS

Shit!

Hey? Oi? Hey, hey?

Did you set that up? I didn't!
Really?!

Yeah, I did. You did?! Do you
realise how unethical that is?

Yeah, but I tried telling you!
You've put me in a really
difficult position.

Yeah, but you could have just come
clean. Munee-munee-munee-munee!

I'll deal with it.

Let's hope he doesn't call again.

BEEPS
Shut up!

Hi. Hi.

Is Mum there yet? No. OK. So
when's she coming? Later, tonight.

So what kind of stuff
have you got to do for Mum now?

Are you kind of going to be...
Does she - how does she go
to the toilet and stuff?

Is she like able to just...?
I mean, does she have to wear a
nappy or anything like that?

She's not an invalid. She just -

I've just got to keep her away
from the pub. OK, well that's...

I have hired a carer.

Good. Good.
Who is quite expensive.

That's good, I mean, it's really
good. No, you're welcome.

I've really had a productive day
writing. Good, I'm glad you have.

I feel like I've made a really kind
of big breakthrough in terms of...

Did you find your pen?

Sorry that was sarcastic. Yeah. I'm
glad you had a breakthrough. Thanks.

And I've really got to get back
to it, so I can't really stay
talking, talking, talking for long.

But I, erm, good luck
and everything and well done. Yeah.

You know, like, you know... Get
back in your little Tupperware box,

seal up the edges, don't let
the world in.

You don't know anything. It's fine.
We won't infect your world

with our actual real-life issues.
If you ever need anyone to come...

We'll leave you... Christine?
..help or babysit or anything,

don't call me. I kind of knew that.
OK, bye. I hate you! Hate you too!

Bye! Bye!

BEEPS

Hey! How are you doing, Richard?
What are you doing?

Just getting a couple of
extra reps in. What do you want?

Congratulations on the vasectomy.

I've booked you in for Monday
afternoon. So Monday afternoon
is V-day.

You're book... Why are you
booking my vasectomy?

At three o'clock today
you've got a phone consultation

with the urologist. He's the best
ball doctor in the business.

It's going to be off the chain!

OK, dude, peace!

BEEPS

Richard. Hi, Dad!
What can I do for you?

Just ringing to say that I'm going
to take Mum in and it's all sorted
and she's going to move in here.

I know. You told me. I only need
to be told something once.

Yeah. Erm, the other thing was,
erm, this is a bit delicate...

Don't waffle, Richard. I'm sorry.
Get straight to the point.

OK. You're going to die, I know.

Sorry. I'm trying to get straight
to the point. You're going to die.

I just wondered if you'd thought of
inheritance tax, inheritance tax
Dad?

If you gift your children
your property now,

then there is no inheritance tax
to pay. I know.

And that would really, really help
me and John and Catherine,

because it would really
financially benefit us.

Richard? Yeah.

Who says I've stopped
having children?

Think about that. Bye!

BEEPS

Eh, thank you for taking this call.
I'm calling because of something

my father just said to me. I really
need to speak to you about it.

He said, and I quote,

"Who says I've stopped
having children?"

Did you feel like Pinocchio, that
you want to be turned from a puppet

into a real boy and have Geppetto's
real love for you?

Yes! Yes, I do. I feel wooden.
I feel...I don't feel real.

He's doing something
that I'm being asked to give up.

My wife wants me to have
a vasectomy. She is asking me
to lose the power to have children

and just at that moment, and I don't
think this is a coincidence,

just at that moment,
he threatens to have more.

You're imagining a collusion
between what your father is doing

spermatically,
with what your wife has in mind,
and they're not the same thing.

Part of me understands, yes,
we don't want to have a child,

that would be an absolute nightmare.

And we wouldn't be bound
by contraception.

Is this because she is refusing
to use contraception,

or you don't want to use
a condom, or both?

I mean, I do use condoms,
but time is money.

She's... You know! And yet you are
the conqueror in the bed?

Yeah. Well, how long will that last?

As a man. once I've procreated.
what does she need me for?

Well, first and foremost
you are essentially

a very anal being.
That's true.

That requires no vasectomy.
That is true.

Victory. Everybody wins.

Yeah. I'm not going to be reduced...

Good, that's what you've arrived at.
I'm not going to be...

Snipped. ..snipped.
E-mail her assistant and say,

"Fuck that, I'm not doing that."
Yeah, I'm not going to have it.
Revere the rectum.

Yes! Thank you so much!

BEEPS
Hi, Neil. Richard.

Hey, how are you? I can't wait
to get going in this next session,
mate, to be honest.

Good. I've thought of nothing
else since last time.

What particularly did, eh,
did it throw up for you?

Like I hadn't ever thought
about anything ever before,

and then like I realised, oh yeah!
OK.

That's why I'm like that.

So let's talk maybe about the world
of work for you and how that's been.

Did you go and do any training?
Did you get some qualifications?

I sort of did various jobs,

sort of things like nobbling horses,

you know, break into a stable
and dose a horse up or something.

And from there I thought
I'm going to make money.

So I want to London to try and get
into, you know, into banking.

OK. You know, bullshitting really.
Yeah.

I used to pretend I was a trader.

Right. I used to get my sister
in to...

..be an escort and have meetings
with these clients from Singapore,

places like that,
just bullshit basically.

I've always been good at that.
You got your sister to be an escort?

Yeah, well she had never
been to London before. OK.

From there I got into doing a bit of
trading, and this will surprise you.

Will it? The thing
I liked most about trading

was the physicality of it.
How do you mean?

Because I became
a derivatives trader. Right.

And it makes such a difference
if you add a level of threat

and violence to the interaction.
I see.

This is where I came
into my own, you know. Right.

And now you're in the loan...
You are a loan arranger. Yeah.

What set of skills do
you have there that are helpful?

I'm good at maths. Right.
Got away with some weaponry.

Do you? You've got to be
threatening, even without weaponry.
Do you enjoy that side of it?

It feels brilliant.

Like, you know when you get
someone by the neck? Tell me.

And you squeeze the neck so hard

that their eyes start
to bulge out a bit

and they shit themselves, do you
know that? Well, that's pleasurable.

So that - yeah!
You enjoy that feeling? Yeah.

The thing is, Neil,
I'm starting to feel a little
bit out of my depth here.

No, no, this is normal stuff.
Well, I'm not sure just talking...

Shut up! I'm not sure... Shut up!
We are carrying on with this.

I can't carry on with it, Neil, I
can't. I don't know what I'm doing.

We are carrying on with this! We're
fucking carrying on with this!

Turn your back on me,
I'll fucking come here
and fucking kill you, mate!

Do you get the message? Yeah. I do.
See, you've got me going now.

I don't want to get you going.
I didn't enjoy that. Didn't you?

You need to carry on with this, you
need to carry on with this, mate.
OK. Fucking hell.

Why are you doing this to me?
I'm not doing anything to you. Fuck!

Let me lay out where I think...
All right, all right. Keep going,
I'll take some money off. Yes?

I'll take some money off the debt.
We'll carry on. I'll take some money
off the debt, just carry on.

OK, thanks, Neil. Aargh!

Erm...

Vasectomies. What the
f...fucking hell.

Oh, Jesus!

Whoa!

Why the hell are you watching this?

Karen's making me have one.

Why, cos yous don't
want any more children?

We're not going to have
children anyway.

Not at our age. Cos Wendy's
desperate to get pregnant.

And she's naked back home,
just waiting.

Hard to top a thing like that.

Too much information.

I probably should get
one of these.

Christ.

Yeah...

You should. Huh?

You should get a vasectomy.

Only joking. No.

And if you get one pretending
you're me, then Karen's medical

insurance will pay for it.

OK. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah? OK.
Yeah? Yeah.

VIDEO CALL RINGS

Hello. Er, hi... Mr Pitt?

Yes, this is...well, I'm not Mr
Pitt. This is Mr Pitt here.

Sit down, Mr Pitt. Sit down.
No, I just...I can't.

Mr Pitt?

Sit down, do it.

I'm Doctor Mandal. Good.

I'll be performing your vasectomy.

OK. Can I just confirm
some details with you?

Yeah. OK, full name including
any middle names.

Erm, R...Richard...

James... James Pitt.

Any health problems, or are you on a
medication at the moment?

Any allergies?

WHISPERING: Don't you do anything.

Sorry? No.

OK, are you aware of
what the procedure entails?

Just...

..tie it up and...

..hope for the best? Erm...

We can discuss that when you're
in the clinic... Yeah.

..but we advise that you refrain
from sexual intercourse

or masturbation for...

Erm...really?!

Yeah, for 10 to 15 days
after the procedure.

WHISPERING: Fucking hell.

Is that going to be a problem?

Sexual intercourse...

But masturbation - that's quite
a big deal in our house.

Yeah.

Are you aware that you will
need to wax in advance?

SNICKERING

Is that...? Are you all right?

Yeah.

OK, so if you're happy,
then we will see each other

in the surgery. Thank you.

All right, then.

You made me.

You made me do it.

You've done it now.
This always happens. You made me.

You're locked in, you've got to do
it. You can't do this again.

You're locked in. It's like that
time you made me

nick from the corner shop.
You made me do it.

You're locked in. And I had to...

VIDEO CALL RINGS
I can't do it. You can.

You're going to have to.
Go and shave and wax 'em.

You made me. Aha.

The blood is on your hands.

Alison. Richard.

It's been eight weeks
since our last session.

It's nine actually.

Because there were the group
sessions and then I spoke

to you last week.
Right, so her death...

..20 years ago... 20 years.

..is still very foreground
for you...?

Of course. Yeah.

It seems to keep being
reinvented, Richard.

In your mind or...?

I think in the collective
consciousness actually. Mm.

You could see from her funeral,
just all of the different people

who turned up and everyone's got
different perspectives of her. Mm.

She loved people,
you could see that she...

In public she did.

Well, in private there
wouldn't have been any people

so I don't quite know what you mean.

I think what I'm trying to say
is that we don't know

what goes on in the minds
of strangers.

Diana isn't a stranger.

Well, in many ways, Alison, she is.

No. But in...in she...

Yes, she is. She was our friend.

Yeah, no, I mean, she obviously
struck a chord in many people

and in you, and that chord has been
ringing for the last 20 years.

Yep. And I think the key, Alison,

and we've talked about
this many times,

is finding out what it was in your
life at that time...

You keep talking about this,
Richard, and I don't know

what you mean really.
She is your life.

And what I want to achieve
is that your life...

..is you.

But everyone has parts
of their lives that are to do

with other people. I mean you're
married, aren't you?

Yes, but I've met my wife,

we've been in the same
room together.

Did Lady Diana know who you were?

I don't know, Richard! Just...

You're gloating
and I don't accept it...

I'm not gloating. ..about having
met your wife.

I'm not gloating, Alison,
I just want you to move on.

And I didn't want
to marry Diana anyway.

I'm not suggesting you should
marry Diana. Well, good.

But Diana didn't have a fucking
clue who you were.

She doesn't know who you are.

You're trying to suggest
that she didn't care, Richard!

Yes! That's exactly what
I'm trying to suggest.

And she did care. She cared about
all of us. No, she didn't.

Have you seen the footage?
She cared about people she met.

..without a glove
on and he had AIDS. She c...

Do you realise how unprecedented
that was? No, I'm saying that

you are sheltering from your own
life under a Diana-shaped rock.

Well, what do you think
you're doing?

I'm trying to grab
you by your ankle

and yank you out of there.

Well, what should be
important to me?

You.

I don't want to betray her.

PHONE RINGS

Hey, you've landed.

Hi, sorry, traffic is terrible.
You will be home soon?

I'll be back soon. OK, how
was Europe? It's been...

..a complete nightmare.

Oh, no. The company is in
such trouble.

Really? I'm going to make so many
redundancies on Monday,

I'm dreading it. Oh.

So, I don't know where
that's going to leave us.

Can you take the bridge? But Vernon
was talking about your company.

He thinks it's really a grower.
I mean, it's going great, but...

So I thought maybe I should
think about having a year off

or just a bit of a break and...
Eventually.

And you bring the money in...
Eventually that...

And I'll just sort of...
We could definitely talk about that.

Sorry, darling, London office is
calling. Don't...

No, no, I need to speak...!

Hello. Is that Terry?

I've never done anything
like this before.

Right. So what brings you to
therapy today, Terry?

Well, it's money problems. Is it?

See, it's just, erm, just
completely taken over me life.

Yes. I've got... I...well...

It's just the worst thing
that ever happened to me.

Yeah. It all started about
18 months ago, I suppose.

I got a phone call from this lady
and she said, "You've won,"

she said, "£148.2 million

"on the Euro lottery."

Just like that.

What? Did you lose the money?

You'd think, wouldn't you, that
money would make you happy.

Yeah. Well, I haven't been happy
since I won this bloody

money, you know. No?

I've got all this, just hanging
about the place

and it means nothing. Ah...

It means absolutely nothing to me.

Don't do that, Terry. This is
a curse, this stuff. Yeah.

I wake up every morning,
and I just... Oh, God.

It just gets me down. Yeah.

I'm not...I'm fine...I...

I don't know what
you can do to help me.

I think I might have to top
meself, you know, Richard?

I understand how difficult
this must be for you.

You have an issue that most people
would look at and say, "Oh, my God,

"that is the answer
to all my problems." Yeah.

You know, we all have
money problems. You have too much,

I have a mother who's
sick and needs...

..round-the-clock care.
Oh, right, yeah.

My daughter is, er...she's run up
a lot of student debt, huge debts.

Yeah, I mean nothing that 110 grand
wouldn't knock a hole in, but,

you know, that's not
your problem, Terry.

Nope.

So I wouldn't...

I wouldn't burden you with it
because this is your time, not mine.

Of course, you've got a lot on your
plate. I have, Terry. I have.

Of course the simplest
thing would be... Yeah.

..if I gave you... Yeah...

..£20 million.

I'll suppose you think,
you know, all your problems

would be over but they
wouldn't, I tell you.

It's a mug's game, being rich.
Right.

So, you know, that's the end of it.

Right.

Well, you've been very helpful.
Yeah. I'm very grateful.

OK, OK.

Well, you can...
HE GROANS

Are you all right?

Cor, something...
INDISTINCT SPEAKING

Terry.

Cor, there's something like...

Terry. Terry, can you hear me?

Terry? I don't know what...I...

Terry!

Don't die on me, Terry.

Oh, for the love of...

Oh, Jesus, Terry. It's all right.

Trapped wind. Oh, my goodness,
gracious me.

For a moment there I was really
worried that something

had happened to you. I'm all right.
Erm...

Have you made a will?

Darling?

Hey, oh.

It's so good to see you.

Great to see you.
How was your trip?

Oh, it's been awful.

Has it? Yeah, but how are you?
Oh, no.

Yeah, I'm good. How is it going?

It's going great. Yeah? Mm.

The kids all right?
The kids are great. Great.

DISTANT: Do you even care about
me?! You are so over-dramatic.

This is not an open
relationship, is it?!

Exciting. You know what
that's about? Not really.

JOSE: Oh, Mr Pitt, she left
a message.

She's just about to arrive.

Who the fuck is that?

That's Jose.

He's going to be looking
after my mother who is...

..moving in.

She's what?

DOORBELL RINGS

That's her now.

Ricky! Mum!

It's always much
further than I think.

I've completely run out of money.

The taxi's still going.
Have you got any spare cash?

Don't do this to me. Hello, Candice.

It's Karen. Mm, oh, now.

Hello, Mum. Oh, darling.

Richard... I'm going to go
upstairs, I think, and...

Erm, Maggie, unfortunately
I would love to have you to stay

but we just don't have any room.

Oh. And we'll have to...
It's all been arranged already.

Exactly. I can't cope.

Do you know what
I really would like? A cup of tea.

A cup of tea.

Good idea. Richard,
can we have a word? No sugar.

Thanks awfully. Oh, hello.

Er, all ready. Great.

This is Jose. Jose.
Yes, hello, Jose.

He's going to be moving in.
Oh, good.

He'll be staying in the office
and Mum will be sleeping

in Issy's room.

And you've talked to Issy
about that, have you?

Yeah, Issy is going to be
moving in with Zara.

Issy: Zara!!!

ZARA: Issy, I'm done! I can't
believe you've cheated on me!

I didn't! I don't believe
you any more.

The minute they sort that out. Yeah.

So I'm going upstairs...

No, no, you're not.

PHONE RINGS
I've got all my luggage outside.

It's Abs. Abs.

Hey, Abs. Mr P. It's Abs.

Are you ready for some karaoke?

I am. Say hello to Abs.

Abs, he'll be out in a minute.

Hello, Abs. Hey, guys.

Well, I'll leave
you two to catch up.

No, no, no, Richard.

Richard!

Mr P, I've got six hours booked.

How are you feeling?

Like a cock in a blender.

I like your style.

I don't want to rush you,
but I booked the Platinum Suite.

It's not cheap.

There better be booze.

# All these scenes
of shattered glass

# All your systems
in collapse

# On the screen
they move so fast

# It's just like life

# But we're dreaming. #

Subtitles By Red Bee Media