Original subtitles

-Hey-- Oh... -Fucking asshole.

What, you don't remember spring break?

Stop.

Quit it, you jerk.

Wow.

What?

Look.

That's pretty awesome.

It's beautiful.

Yeah.

Not as beautiful as you, though.

Really? Is that the best you've got?

Well, if I see an opportunity I'm gonna take it.

Look here, sir.

You better be glad you're pretty,

That's all I've got to say about that.

Where are you going?

You'll see.

Oh, my God, I love camping.

Yup.

Oh, shit.

Goddamn it.

Ooh!

My turn.

Ooh!

Get on all fours.

One or two?

Two.

Oh, here it comes.

No, wait, wait, I'm about to cum too.

Oh, no, this is...

Oh, here it comes.

Here it comes.

Baby, what the fuck?

You know I don't like that kind of...

Hello.

Well, hello there.

I'm here to plunge your holes.

Well, we don't have any money.

We can't afford to pay you.

It's okay, you can pay me in sex, yes?

Oh, okay.

Yes!

We're girls who love to have sex.

I love to have sex!

Let's have sex!

Watch my meatballs.

Yes, she did, girl.

You know she did.

And you know what? He's gay!

He is so gay!

I cannot believe this.

I am just going to fuck this bitch up.

-Oh! -Hey!

-What? -Shut it down, you bitchy queen.

You want to come over and do something about it?

Come on, you little bitch.

Oh, I ain't even fucking with you.

I am not even fucking with you. You get back here, little pansy.

-No homo. -Uh-huh.

Ugh, God.

Daisy, I am so over this little homophobic hellhole.

Hello?

Hey, sis, got a minute?

Hold on.

What do you want, Sammy?

Can't a brother just call his sister to chat?

A, stepbrother.

B, I haven't even had my coffee yet.

And C, the only reason why you ever call is to borrow money.

Look I just need 300 bucks for a week or two, tops.

I swear to you, I'll pay you back with interest.

Shit. I gotta go.

I'll see what I can do.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Everything okay?

Yeah.

Okay.

Coffee.

Are you ready for this weekend?

Yeah.

Let's try this again.

-I'm sorry. -Mm-hmm.

I was just really hoping that job

would call me back this week.

Yeah.

I've been so stressed,

with graduation, finals, job-hunting.

Well, drink this,

pack your tiny bikini,

and let's leave all our worries right here.

Trust me.

Come Monday, everything will be completely different.

All right.

Remind me again.

Why are we going camping with that jock,

that cheerleader, and that fucking stoner?

Because it makes us look normal.

And everyone else has left campus.

Well, I'm gonna go get ready.

All right.

Oh, and don't forget your whore of a sister

and her man-child plaything.

-Hey. -Hi.

Anything I can help you find?

-No. No. -No?

Maybe you need something to put back on the fucking shelf?

No.

I would have gave you this shit-fest.

Get the fuck out of here.

Whatever, stoner.

So, basically you're telling me

that your looking for the stereotypical

big-tittied girl who runs from the killer

and screams before she dies?

Yeah, but are them titties nice?

I mean, it's not the only requirement but, you know,

it's not the worst.

And that right there is why you're part of the problem.

-How? -Because you're focusing

on the fucking eye candy

and missing out on legitimate scream queens.

Cover your eyes. Here she goes.

There are basic requirements

as to who gets called a scream queen.

Just because the pretty girl fucking screams

before she gets cut does not give her the privilege

to be called a scream queen.

Excuse me, do you have Bludgeon?

Uh, hang on.

Being a scream queen used to be about more

than a set of lungs and nice tits.

It use to be about acting talent and the ability to show

the right amount of fear while screaming.

Nowadays, you have some bitches

who don't even scream in some fucking films,

but because they're hot they get to be called a scream queen.

It is not fair to actresses like Dee Wallace, Barbara Crampton,

Barbara Steele, who fucking screamed their asses off

trying to fit your damn mold.

Yes?

You know, all of those actresses

have shown some form of nudity.

Yes, yes, we have Bludgeon.

Back wall, independent section.

Oh, my God, the walk-ins tell it as it is.

Nudity isn't the issue.

Fuck it, either way, if the bitch don't scream,

she ain't a scream queen.

Hey, guys, what's up?

Back me up, girls.

Should a scream queen be defined as tits or talent?

-Both. -Both.

Fuck it.

What the fuck are you looking at, douche bag?

Boobs-boo--

Ahem, boots.

All right.

Hey, your guys' ride is here.

Yes, it is.

- See you. - Bye.

Fuck, yeah.

Mark, put that shit away.

Yeah!

We about to fucking rage!

-Ladies. -Thank you.

Conor, where the fuck am I going?

In the back.

Oh, my God.

What the fuck?

Will you get in and shut the door, Lunch Box?

Cock!

"Your Heaven's Broken" by Moretta plays]

Hey, Meg, pick up the damn phone already.

We're already on our way to the woods.

We don't know where to meet you.

Give me a call back. Bye.

So we have no clue where we're going

because Meg and Luke are probably wasted.

I tried calling her last night,

but they were, uh, probably busy.

Didn't she take a beer bottle to the ass?

Where did you hear that?

Last spring break, I heard she took a beer bottle to the ass.

I'm just saying, that's some goddamn talent.

I want to know which end went in first.

I heard she took it like a pro, base first.

That sounds painful.

Yeah, yeah.

Anything's a dildo if you're brave enough.

Are you into fisting?

Ew, get away.

Well, this looks like as good a place as any.

Let out the Macki-poo!

No, leave him in there.

Yeah, leave him there.

Should we do it?

-No, let him out. -No, let him sit.

Now I know how Jane's knees feel.

Fuck!

Ha, ha, ha.

Conor, what are you, the goddamn Green Arrow?

That way.

Sitting in the back of the fucking trunk.

- Really? - You got it!

Okay, that's cool.

All right, Conor, it looks like it's up to you.

Oh, my God, where's the man?

Man job.

I can see I'm not needed here.

Does anybody wanna go check out the woods

and possibly look for Meg and Luke?

- Sure. - No.

Whatever gets me away from that mouth breather.

Well, come on. We'll be back later.

Wait, what if we run into a bear?

You're not going to run into a bear out here.

The only thing you have to worry about in these woods

is the dykenthrope in the combat boots.

Just remember,

my balls are bigger than yours.

She can definitely beat your ass.

Oh, what a beating it would be.

I would pay to see that.

You know, Mac,

you might as well go along with them.

If they do run into a bear,

a slow-moving target would really help them get away.

Nope.

Or you could stay here and help me chop wood.

Hold up, bitches!

Meg!

O.M.G.

Luke!

-Will you shut the fuck up. -Where are you guys?

Meg!

"Meg, Luke, where are you guys?"

Meg! Luke!

Where are you guys?

Are you okay?

Meg is seriously starting to piss me off.

I could handle both.

I've got two dicks.

Let's just relax and get fucked up.

All right, that sounds good.

You want a hit?

What the hell, sure.

You okay?

I think this shit's gone bad.

This shit ain't gone bad.

Trust me.

See?

What about you, Betty Badass?

You want a hit of this shit?

Careful.

Always am.

I've had better.

Okay. I'll give you better.

Seriously, I shit you not,

Luke said she closed her eyes, says to herself,

"It's just chocolate."

Remind me to never drink after Meg.

Wait, I got one for you guys.

So, do you remember when Mac set his fucking pants on fire?

What the fuck?

Yeah, he grabbed the gas can

and some spilled all over his pants.

You should've seen him running around

with his pants around his ankles,

trying to get them off.

Oh, man.

I think I'm ready to crash.

Is everything okay?

Yeah, I just started a little too early.

Good night, everybody.

Good night.

Are you ready to crash?

Yeah. I want to wake up early tomorrow anyways

and try to track down Meg.

But I don't wanna go to sleep.

You don't have to go to sleep.

Well, you can't just leave me here with...

this.

He's got a boner for you.

Have fun.

Nope.

Did you get everything?

Yup, all locked up tight in the truck.

What about the food?

200 yards from the campsite, just like the book said.

Are you tired?

Yeah, I'm beat.

-Sure about that? -Ooh, Daddy likey.

It's getting really hot in here.

Open the door.

Whoa!

What the fuck?

You fucking perv. What the fuck do you think your doing?

I'm, uh...

I was trying to watch you eat her puss.

Do that again.

Fuck off.

Rise and shine, creeper.

What the fuck?

That's what you get for being a creepy, peeping motherfucker.

What the fuck?

What the fuck did you do to my chair?

Broke it with my magnum dong.

Sure.

Parker...

I'm using your Gary Coleman tent to change now.

Come on, Mac, get your shit together so we can go.

Alex, I heard some rustling last night.

Did you guys go looking for Meg and Luke?

No. We crashed right after you guys did.

That rustling you guys heard last night

was Mac joining the black-eyed pervs club.

It looks like his initiation went well.

How much did you drink last night, you alcoholic?

You guys ready now?

Yeah, hang on.

I got something for Jane.

You fucking cunt-a-saurus.

It happens.

Want to help me with this cooler?

Sure.

This way, fuckhead.

Sure.

♪ I haven't thought of you In so long ♪

♪ I hope you're well, I hope you're okay ♪

♪ Haven't thought of you In so long ♪

♪ And I'd like To keep it that way ♪

♪ I haven't seen you Around here lately... ♪

Silly goose.

Holy cock.

It's hotter than a fifth-grader.

Break time.

It's high time, Conor.

Ugh.

Do you think they're okay?

Who?

Meg and Luke.

I though we were here to relax and have some fun.

You need to stop worrying about other people

and focus on you.

Or better yet, us.

Last time I checked, they were grown-ass adults

with their own lives and own issues.

I have a brilliant idea.

Hmm?

Lacey goes topless.

There's more of that in my dreams.

You wish.

Ah! It's cold.

I know you have a big heart

and you worry about everything.

But sometimes people just need to get away.

Go off the grid for a bit.

Look, we're about to be tossed into the frying pan.

No financial aid, no help from Mommy and Daddy.

It's sink-or-swim time.

I mean, that's why we're all up here.

To get away from everything.

Try to reboot.

So, have a drink

and let all your problems just fade into the background.

You're right. And that's why I love you.

Now, go get me a beer.

You know, this doesn't make me the bitch.

Am I the only one gonna get in?

Yeah.

What the hell are you kids doing back here?

Oh, um, you know,

we're just camping for the weekend.

Trying to have a good time.

We're just trying to unwind from school.

Well, it looks like you found a nice spot to take a dip.

Yeah, this place is really nice.

Excuse me, sir, you haven't seen our friends?

They came up about a day ago,

and we haven't been able to find them or their campsite.

Negative.

These woods are pretty big.

There's lots of places

to slip in and out of.

You know, tight places for privacy,

if you know what I mean.

But, um...

I'll let you kids get back to having your fun,

and I things to do and creatures to protect.

Wow, that guy was a little, uh...

-A little fucking weird. -weird, don't you think?

He was just staring at your tits.

Well, you know what? He was actually kind of cute.

And he probably has a really big dick.

Damn, dawg.

A couple angles.

Save that for later.

Get the live action now.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, fuck, yeah. This is hot as shit.

Oh, fuck yeah.

Oh, God.

Lacey...

What?

- Bill Murray... - Oh, God.

Chris Farley...

...Adam Sandler.

Go.

Let's see.

I'd marry Chris.

Definitely fuck Bill.

And...

Adam's a fucking goner.

Not Adam.

Okay, Parker, this one's for you.

Hit me.

Okay, okay.

Ben Affleck.

Bat-Fleck.

Shut up.

George Carlin, and...

...Vincent Price.

Old sack of bones.

Okay then.

Kevin Smith, baby. All the way!

Oh.

All right...

-All right. -Oh, lesbians!

Parker just lost the game.

Let's get you to bed.

What? What are you staring at?

I know you want to be in Parker's pants.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But, see, I like dick, though.

Well, you don't want his.

No. God, no.

So, okay, lesbians.

-Yes. -This is a very serious question.

Yes.

What does vagina taste like?

I think it's about that time to...

Threesome?

No!

You're gross. Get out of here.

You're not going to fall asleep on me, are you?

You know damn well

I have no intentions of falling asleep.

♪ All by myself ♪

Ladies.

Fancy meeting you here.

What? What's wrong?

I'm sorry, I just can't stop thinking about Meg and Luke.

I mean, we've been out here for days

and we haven't seen or heard from them at all.

I mean, what if something happened?

what if they're hurt?

There's rangers everywhere in this park.

I'm sure if something were to go wrong,

the rangers would find them.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

I guess.

Look, it's been a while since we've gotten this far.

Do you remember the first time?

Yeah.

We didn't leave the apartment for, what,

three whole days?

Exactly.

Let's do the same.

Let's just stay in this tent for the next three days.

Fuck everybody else.

Ladies.

Do you want to play a game?

I think I packed a deck of cards, actually.

No, we don't need no goddamn cards for this fucking game.

What's the name of the game, dipshit?

Truth or dare.

-Oh, Jesus. This fucker. -Yeah.

All right, Mac. Truth or dare?

Dare.

I dare you to chug the rest of that pussy-ass drink.

All right.

Trying to get me all loosey-deucey.

-I respect that. -Mm-hmm.

-Alex. -Yes?

Truth or dare?

Um...

Truth.

Really?

You're going to be a lame shit?

All right, all right.

Have you ever...

I don't know...

been eaten out in public?

-Really? -Really, really.

You're just gonna dive right in there?

I mean, if it's an invitation,

I'll dive right in there.

No. No, I haven't.

Change that...

All right, Mac.

If that's how you wanna play it,

truth or dare?

Truth.

- You pussy-ass bitch. - Really?

Eight inches...

...around.

In your dreams, little man.

All right, Jane.

Truth...

or motherfucking dare?

Dare.

Mm-hmm.

I dare you to get to third base,

right here, right now,

at this campfire with Alex.

Go.

-Mm-hmm. -Go.

Go, go, go.

Go-di-go, go.

Mm.

Yeah.

There you go.

Daddy likey.

What do you ladies say we move this to the tent?

I think that sounds like a fantastic idea.

I think it sounds like a grade-A goddamn idea.

Mm-hm.

Wow.

Right?

In your dreams, fucktard.

But, hey, thanks for getting things going.

No.

Sweet dreams.

What the fuck am I supposed to do with this?

Goddamn it.

Well, Jill.

it looks like me and you are getting into a fight tonight.

Good a place as any.

Yeah!

Get the fuck out.

What?

I have to pee.

Are you kidding?

No.

I'm so sorry.

I will be right back.

You better hurry.

I will.

Don't go anywhere.

Fuck.

Alex! Holy shit.

Jane!

Jane, get the fuck out here!

Hold the fuck up.

Oh, God.

What the fuck was that?

It looked like a goddamn alien.

Babe, I got to take a look.

No.

Just breathe.

-And try to be quiet. -Okay.

Shh!

Hey. Here.

You good?

We are so fucked.

-We are so fucked. -Hold this there, okay?

Oh, fuck.

We are so fucked.

What the fuck was that?

I don't know.

But we need to get the fuck out of the woods.

What we need is a big fucking machine gun.

What we need is to find the ranger.

No, no, no, no. We need some fucking katanas,

some fucking throwing stars,

some goddamn Predator-level fucking hunting shit.

Snap the fuck out of it, asshole.

What I was going to say is we need to go to the fucking car

and get the goddamn arsenal out of it.

We should just wait it out here.

Are you fucking dumb, Alex?

All of our friends just got their fucking guts

ripped the fuck out of them.

We're not fucking sitting here.

We're going to that fucking car.

Fine, let's go.

-Come on. -Okay.

Who the fuck are they?

Is that Meg?

Oh...

No, it's not Meg, okay?

I can't do this anymore.

-It's okay. Shh. -I wanna go home.

-It's okay, it's okay, Alex. -I wanna go home right now.

We need to fucking go, is what we need to do.

Okay.

- Well, come on, let's go. - Okay.

Come on.

What in the actual fuck?

Holy shit.

I got his keys.

Holy fuck.

Oh, my God.

It's all right.

What the fuck?

I think it...

I think it ate her ovaries.

Why would it do that?

-I don't know. It's okay. -What the fuck?

Now, we need the fucking nunchucks.

Oh, my God.

It's a shame too.

Them tits were awesome.

What in the fuck are you looking for?

In case that thing comes back,

we should have some fucking weapons.

Oh, shit!

Fuck! Jane! Alex!

Fuck!

Fuck! Fuck!

Jane, he's got nards!

No!

Jane, run.

Fuck!

Mac's got the fucking keys.

Come on. Hurry.

Let's go.

Fuck you.

Stop. Wait.

Baby...

I can't.

Baby, I need you to keep going.

Nah-uh.

No, baby, come on.

I love you.

No, come on, you gotta keep going.

No, no, no, no, come on.

Stay with me, okay?

We're gonna make it out of here,

I promise.

Alex!

Don't go! Please don't leave me!

Come on, come on, come on.

Suck my--

One or two?

Two.

I'm gonna get balls deep in that ass

and do some colon blowing.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, shit.

You just set the ground on fire.

Yay!

I think that shit's gone bad.

Trust me, it ain't gone bad.

What about you?

Sorry.

Trust me, it ain't gone bad.

You like it.

"I like it"? What kind of face is that?

In this corner, we have Scotty-too-Hotty.

In this corner, we have Shawn, Shawn, You Really Turn Me On.

And go.

I'm giving the creature a blowjob here.

Come in.

This is aimed right at you.

Ayse, your vagina's showing.

You can't be mad at the effects guy.

I feel really terrible about

What the fuck?

Nobody does that.

- Yeah, they do. - No, they don't.

- In porn. - Nobody does that.

I've never seen that in porn. It hurts.

You're watching the wrong kind then.

Fuck off!

Cut! That was awesome.

Um, Roman...

you see what I'm poking?

I kinda need light over this way, possibly.

-'Ello! -Hello!

I'm here to plunge your holes.

That doesn't look horrible.

Come look at this.

No, I don't mean her. I'm talking about the light.

Man, we know many strippers, man.

Where did...?

Where did I...?

Yes?

I know you like it.

Other than this fire and just finishing setting up,

you're good for this scene, right?

Like, the actors are good?

Yup.

Yup.

-Cool. I mean, cool. -Cool.

I mean, cool.

Yeah.

You gonna cue her when to jump,

or is she just gonna do it on her own?

'Cause I need to know.

I will...

um, no, I won't draw on acting just because...

Quit rubbing me.

That's weird.

Are you going to tell her when to jump?

Action!

Here we go!

Scotty doesn't know.

You don't. You think you do.

-You don't. -Shut up.

Fuck.

Hey, I just met you and I'm freezing.

"But I'm naked and riding your dick."

I'm calling your fucking mom right now

and I'm gonna tell her you've been sucking dick in the back.

-I've been fucking watching-- -She knows!

Yeah, that'll work!

I'm too tired to have sex tonight, baby.

Go to sleep.

Take care of yourself.

Shit, that looked awesome. Cut.

- Derek. - Huh?

I got that on video.

Oh, my...

Ooo! She's stealing!

What'd you say?

What'd you say? What'd you say?

Oh, look, it's in your face When are you getting smashed?

When are you getting smashed?

Oh, shit.

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

Into the lesbians.

If you can put one in, put the whole thing.

Whoa, there.

- Just fucking fist me. - Fist my ass!

I'm glad I'm still recording.

Whoa, there.

I've had better.

Okay. I'll give you better.

I'm doing her tonight.

Cut.