Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

One of you has been making a lot of phone calls to France

and since I don't like

putting people on the spot, John Pierre

I'm warning you both.

Merci, bonjour, get a calling card.

Au revoir!

Hey, what's up, guys?

Hey, Brian, I got the message

that you wanted to see me ASAP.

Yeah, something's been brought

to my attention that you need

to be made aware off.

Hey, look, I only made

one phone call to France.

John Pierre makes 'em all the time.

I don't know, talking about croissants

and all that kind of stuff‐‐

That's not what I'm talking about.

Fire John Pierre.

Robert, I'd like to discuss your future here at ET.

Mary?

Hello, Robert.

What's up, Mary?

What's up is that you are going

to be my guest anchor on the weekend.

Are you serious?

‐ Yeah! ‐ That's great news.

Is that how you got started, Mary?

Oh, yeah, of course.

Well, no, not quite.

‐ But congratulations. ‐ Thank you.

You have come a long way since local TV.

Yeah, well, you know, I'm just trying to find my footing.

Oh, I remember when I was new and insecure here.

‐ Really? ‐ Oh, of course, yes.

No, not quite.

[laughing]

And, Robert, there's more, we know that you're getting married

and we'd like to give ya the Star Jones treatment.

I'm talkin' about sponsors to help pay for the wedding

TV coverage the whole night.

Say word.

Word.

That's what's up, alright, listen.

I'm, uh, I'm gonna go call Tia.

Oh, that is so sweet!

I used to make all kinds of personal phone calls

when I first started here.

‐ Really? ‐ Oh, yeah.

But I made sure they all came from John Pierre's desk.

[laughing]

Oh, ho.

♪ Often I wish that we ♪

♪ Could take the time to see ♪

♪ The need there is to be ♪

♪ A family yeah ♪

♪ 'Cause it's All Of Us ♪

♪ Sometimes it can be rough ♪

♪ Time and seasons change ♪

♪ But we will still remain ♪

♪ It's just All Of Us ♪

♪ It's just All Of Us ♪

♪ It's just All Of Us ♪

♪ It's just All Of Us ♪♪♪

[instrumental music]

Baby, I've been calling you for an hour.

How come you're not answering your phone?

Because, baby, Jonelle and I

have been very busy planning every detail

of our perfect wedding.

Mm‐hm. Look at all we came up with. Look

And half of this is empty. Yeah.

‐ What's so important, baby? ‐ Oh.

ET has made me

Mary Hart's guest anchor on the weekends.

‐ Oh. ‐ Oh, wow!

‐ Congratulations. ‐ Yes.

Oh, I'm so proud of you, you deserve it.

Oh, now, maybe we could get a DJ for the reception.

I mean, you know, not that your cousin's

acapella group wasn't gonna rock the house.

Hey, check this out, there's more.

ET is hookin' us up

with a celebrity wedding planner

and he's gonna find sponsors to pay for everything.

Oh, what about all our plans?

Handled.

Tia, you know I love you

but you were about to have one tacky wedding.

No..

[doorbell dinging]

Hi, I am Paul. Wedding planner extraordinaire.

Where's my bride?

Um, I'm thinkin' San Francisco.

There you are, just glowing.

Hey, uh, I'm Tia.

‐ Oh. ‐ Oh, okay.

Look at you, that tiny little waist

those magnificent thighs

that bone structure.

Oh. If I were straight.

Oh, who am I kidding, I would never be straight.

‐ No, no. ‐ Come on.

Uh, um, how did you know I wasn't the bride?

I glow, too.

Honey, tragedy leaves evidence.

Now, I have got tons of ideas

for your fabulous wedding extravaganza.

Princess bride, I'm gonna have my way with you.

Well, Paul, you know, Robert and I talked about it

and we want a simple wedding.

Princess bride, let him have his way with you.

If I had a dollar for every time I heard a man say that.

[instrumental music]

This is the moment of truth.

Dr. Bobby James is about to remove the butterfly

from Sam's stomach to save his life.

Can he do it?

Oh, no!

I killed Sam!

It's okay, he was suffering.

I think you're good at playing doctor.

[phone ringing]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, it's not doctor

it's operation.

Now, you two decide what you want me to beat you at next.

‐ Are you sad because you lost? ‐ Yeah.

There, is that better?

Girl, let me call you back.

Allison?

Did you just kiss Bobby?

Yeah, he's my boyfriend.

Cool!

Yes, that is cool to have a friend that's a boy

but...you're too young to have a boyfriend

and he's too young to be one.

‐ Are you mad, mommy? ‐ No, no.

You just need to understand being boyfriend and girlfriend

means something totally different.

‐ Like what? ‐ Like what?

Like, um, when a man and a woman..

Ooh, I can't say that.

Uh, when two people love each other, they..

Kids, don't do drugs.

Well, how about this?

There's just plenty of other things to do

if you're a kid.

‐ Like what? ‐ Like what?

I don't know, uh

do I look like a kid to you?

Let's just play another game.

‐ Like what? ‐ Like what?

[instrumental music]

So, before I go

here's the Thomas Harper thought of the day.

Why do they gotta cast the Halle Berrys of the world

for the role of Catwoman.

[meows]

Why don't they cast Mo'Niques, huh? Why not?

I mean, all you gotta do is have a little imagination

and a lot more leather. Mm.

You know what I'm sayin'?

This is Thomas Harper saying

see you L‐A‐ter.

[laughing]

Alright?

Are you crazy?

Uh, crazy talented. Uh, Yeah, uh.

You know this a live show, right?

You can't call Mo'Nique fat on live television.

I didn't call her fat.

I called her..

Oh, this is live?

‐ Yeah. ‐ My bad.

Dirk, Mo'Nique's on the line.

She says, "Get your skinny ass on the phone

before I call my lawyer."

She sounds nice.

Damn. Put her on hold, Turtle.

You gotta think before you speak, man.

Dirk, the Thomas train is goin' uptown.

So sit back and enjoy the ride, dawg.

Wo‐woo!

[laughs]

Dirk, I'm takin' you to lunch, man.

I got some big news for you.

You're Mary Hart's weekend guest anchor.

Congratulations.

Damn, I just found out, how did you know?

The Hollywood Reporter called me, they wanted a quote.

I told them you slept your way to the middle.

No, I told 'em you work hard and you deserve it all.

Oh, thanks, man. So, how's it goin' over here, man?

I've been watching the show, uh

is there anything I can do to help?

Nothing to do, the people have spoken.

We did a focus group, they seem to love Thomas.

With him, I feel like the show's evolving.

That's great, man, well, look at us, man

they can't touch us, we doin' our thing.

‐ We're invincible. ‐ Unstoppable.

‐ Unbelievable. ‐ Undeniable.

Incredible.

‐ Let's go to lunch. ‐ Yeah, yeah, let's go.

Cool, where are we going?

We goin' to Peno, you gonna stay here and do your job.

Yes, sir.

[sighs]

Yo, Mo'Nique.

Yeah, this is Dirk Black.

Yeah, yeah, we said that on live TV.

Well, why don't you say that to my face at Peno?

Yeah, I‐I'll be the skinny man

dining without his assistant.

Yeah!

[instrumental music]

What're you all watching?

Uh, a tape of your old show

it look like the new guy is not doing so well.

Now, I know we promised Alicia Keys

would be here yesterday, uh, but I also promised

that I will buy everybody a car like Oprah did. Uh..

But y'all are still taking the bus, aren't you?

[laughing] Yeah!

Wow.

That was like staring at the sun.

You know, he's tanking the show, Robert.

Ah, uh, uh, look, he'll be okay, alright?

Dirk just needs a little bit more time to work with him.

How old is Dirk? Because this may cut into his retirement.

And from what I understand, time is the one thing

that the new guy doesn't have.

Well, time and talent.

What do you mean he doesn't have any time?

I heard that they may be, uh, cancelling Mr. LA.

‐ Dirk might be losing the show? ‐ Yeah.

Looks like you made a smart move.

You jumped ship right in time.

Congratulations.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

[knock on door]

Oh, Mr. Banks.

I wasn't expecting their play date

to be over for a few more hours.

‐ Is something wrong? ‐ Oh, yeah.

See, the kids were playin' hide and seek.

Allison wanted to hide first

but then Bobby said he wanted to hide first.

So I said they should compromise.

Uh, you did the right thing, Mr. Banks.

Good parenting.

So you guys will be back by 9:00?

Ha!

Anyway, Allison finally let Bobby hide first

so to thank her for her kindness

Bobby gave her a kiss.

Really? Yeah, they did that the other day.

Well, why don't you just give him a six pack

and let him watch Cinemax?

Um..

Bobby, baby, why don't you take Allison in your room and play?

‐ Okay. ‐ Okay?

Keep the door open, man.

I can see around corners.

Okay, I had the same problem when she kissed him.

But then I realized, they're six.

Kissing is inappropriate for six‐year‐olds.

Well, it was just a kiss on the cheek.

You act like it was something more.

The cheek is where it all starts.

If they'll go for the cheeks

they'll go for the lips.

I was a little boy once.

Are you sure?

Look, maybe it's different because you have a boy.

But I have a little girl.

Well, I was a little girl once

and if I gave a kiss to a boy in the cheek

that's all it was, just a kiss on the cheek.

‐ Nothing more. ‐ Well, times have changed.

MTV, BET

rump shaking and milk shakes

bringing people to the yard, it's crazy.

You know, I think they should play

with other kids for a while.

Allison, let's roll.

Bye, Bobby, I can't wait to play doctor with you again.

[gasps]

It's operation, Allison, baby.

Remember? I said operation.

I was telling her operation but she..

[instrumental music]

Join us tomorrow, when we'll have

Will Smith's stand‐in from "Hitch."

[chuckles] You won't wanna miss that.

This is Thomas Harper saying

see you L‐A‐Ter.

[chuckles] Later. Yeah.

Cut.

I should change my name to Bill Franklin

'cause I'm, uh, money, yeah.

Yo, Dirk, hey, man, when is Mr. LA

gonna have a real celebrity on this show?

As soon as you stop..

[imitating Thomas]

You sound like a pimp on crack.

[laughing]

Damn, pimp, dawg.

That guy is great.

Should I find another job?

No, but do me a favor, find me some deodorant.

I slept here last night trying to figure out

how I'mma get this show poppin' again.

Well, I'll just go out on a limb

and bring you some mouth wash.

Dirk, I was calling you last night.

How come you're not answering your phone?

Hey, man, I was out all night with the ladies

livin' the life of a successful producer.

Well, yo, man, listen, I heard that Mr. LA

might be getting cancelled. That's not true, is it?

Get out of here, you can't cancel Mr. LA.

Those are rumors, man.

It's the best show on TV, brother.

Look, man, Dirk, we're boys.

You can be real with me, alright?

Alright, well, Thomas is no you

and that's makin' some people nervous

but you were no you when we first started.

Remember that, you used to sweat so much

we had to put socks up on your underarms.

If I can groom you, I can groom him.

That's true.

Besides, if we do get cancelled

I got a backup plan, I just pitch three shows

to the station, they're hot on all three.

‐ All three? ‐ That's right.

Damn, you gonna be programming the whole network.

That's right, what do we say, unstoppable

invincible, unbelievable, right?

You thought I was playing?

Thank you.

Now, if you'll excuse me

I have to head down south

and clean the dirty dirty.

[laughing]

[instrumental music]

Oh, Bobby, how are you

ever gonna make any new friends

if you don't at least talk

to the other kids in the park?

I don't want any new friends

I want Allison back.

Well, what about Jessie, next door?

He bites.

What about Cindy upstairs?

She spits when she talks.

Well, would you rather be dry and alone?

Bring a rag.

[knock on door]

‐ Allison! ‐ Bobby!

Has your day been as frustrating as mine?

This girl is driving me crazy. It's..

Bobby this, Bobby that.

I give up. Their love won't die.

Well, maybe we were over thinking it.

Projecting our adult thoughts

on something so innocent.

And when I say we, I mostly mean you.

I guess if we're having this conversation ten years from now

we have something to worry about.

That's right, that's true.

But Robert and I are raising Bobby right

and I'm sure that you're doing the same thing for Allison.

Yes, I am. I'm a damn good father and a damn good man.

So you're divorced, right?

‐ Yeah. ‐ And you ain't got no man, huh?

Why?

Because if you don't..

...maybe I could help you out with that.

Maybe I can help you out.

And I'll bring Allison home in a couple of hours.

Goodnight.

Could be.

[instrumental music]

Now, we have to get a close up

of the ring going on the finger.

Home Depot has bought advertising on your nails.

‐ Home Depot? ‐ Oh, I know.

The orange is wretched

but they paid for your honeymoon. Moving on.

Tiffany's is providing the bling

for you and your bridesmaids.

Paul, do you have any idea

how many children are exploited

in the diamond mines of Africa?

I cannot be a part of that.

Tia, you can't deny you love my diamond necklace.

You don't have a diamond necklace.

Well, I would, if you shut up.

Go ahead, Paul.

Uh, okay, oh, they covered it all, I..

No, tomorrow morning at 10:00

there is a casting call for the role of Jonelle.

‐ Excuse me? ‐ Oh.

Not that there's anything wrong with you, honey

you're a doll, I love it, pretty, pretty, pretty.

But, you're not Latin.

And Latin is muy caliente right now.

Now, I gotta go. I'll call you tomorrow, okay?

‐ What's up, Paul. ‐ Hey, sexy. Oh.

Baby, there's only room

for one queen in my wedding, me.

Baby, I just found out that Mr. LA

might be getting cancelled, can you believe that?

‐ How's Dirk handling that? ‐ Surprisingly good.

But that's because he has three other shows

that the network is gonna buy.

[mumbles]

What's that for?

Nothing.

Oh, for the past two weeks

Dirk has been spending every night in the bathroom.

He turns on the shower

to cover up the sound of his cryin'.

Then he just sounds like he's cryin' underwater.

And then there's no hot water left for me to take my shower.

See, this is what I have to live with.

Oh, no, but he's happy for you, Robert.

Oh, poor Dirk.

[exhales] I left him hanging.

They dangle the carrot in front of me

and I take off runnin' first chance I get.

No, but you have to admit

that was one mighty

good‐lookin', juicy, sweet carrot.

Sorry, I just like carrots.

I think we can agree

we all like carrots.

But, Robert, come on, honey

that's not how it happened and you know it, right?

Dirk knows it too, so, please stop

beating yourself up about it.

Baby, how can I not feel responsible for this?

Dirk is my best friend.

It's okay, Robert.

Ay, dios mio!

[speaking in foreign language]

Shoot, talking about I can't be Latin

I could be Latin. Uno, dos, tres, quattro, cinco, seis..

[instrumental music]

Hey, Brian, can I holler at you for a minute?

Have I offended you, why must you yell

and scream at me for nothing?

No, no, no, it means‐‐

I know, I'm kidding.

Kid‐ding.

[laughing]

I'm cooler than you think.

Robert, what's up?

Listen, um, I was wonderin'

if you can push my promotion back a month.

Oh, you betcha, I'll just shut down

production tomorrow, and you can holler at me

when you're ready.

‐ Are you bein' sarcastic? ‐ Of course I am.

That's impossible.

What is goin' on with you, Robert?

You know what's goin' on over at Mr. LA, right?

Well, to be honest with you

I feel obligated to help my friend out.

Look, I, I'm sorry about what's goin' on

with your friend and his job

but your obligation's now with us here at ET.

Well, I'm gonna have to respectfully resign.

And I'm gonna have to respectfully say

are you insane?

Look, Brian, I know

you guys have been good to me

but this is about me sleepin' at night.

If you're having trouble sleeping

try counting affiliates, Robert.

Brian, I gotta do this.

Look, your emotions are doing the talking right now.

I tell you what, take a couple of days

think about it, okay?

I'd hate to lose you and I would like to think

that you would feel the same about us.

‐ Thanks for everything, Brian. ‐ No problem.

You know, Mary Hart left once.

‐ Really? ‐ No, never.

[laughing]

Kidding.

Kid..

[instrumental music]

You know, baby, since I left ET

I don't think they'll be paying for our wedding.

Well, since I fired Paul, I know they won't.

[speaking in foreign language]

I got the part. I got the part of Juanelle!

[laughing]

[theme music]