Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

[cheering]

Yes, that's what I'm talking about.

Can I get another taste of that lucky sugar?

Oh. Well, this one's gonna get you a touchdown.

‐ Yeah. ‐ Mm. Yeah, yeah.

‐ Mm‐mm. ‐ Mm.

Oh, my baby out of chips. You want me to get you some more?

Aw, thank you, thickums.

Oh, no problem.

Uh, excuse me, my little sugar smack.

Could you get me another beer, please?

Sure...my little hot pocket.

What the hell is a hot pocket?

Damn if I know, I'mma divorce her

right after the Super Bowl.

[chuckles]

Anyway, what's up with you and Tia, man?

You ready to pop that question again?

Oh, man, things have been so great since she moved in

I don't wanna mess up the flow.

Besides, we're married in our hearts.

We got plenty of time to take that trip down the aisle.

Oh, it's not a trip, brother.

It's a fall down a bottomless pit.

Then you land on a bed of rusty nails.

[chuckles]

But have a good time.

So, it seems like you and your little hot pocket

are doing a lot better, huh?

Girl, please. I just said that 'cause I was hungry.

But, how are you and Robert?

When's he gonna put that ring back on your finger?

I don't know.

Girl, things are goin' really great

and I'm ready but, you know

since I broke it off before

I'm not trying to rush him, you know?

Mm, enjoy the time, girl, 'cause living in sin

is better than dying in matrimony.

Mm.

[indistinct chatter on TV]

Woman, what'd you do to my beer?

I took half.

Better get used to it.

♪ Often I wish that we ♪

♪ Could take the time to see ♪

♪ The need there is to be ♪

♪ A family yeah ♪

♪ 'Cause it's All Of Us ♪

♪ Sometimes it can be rough ♪

♪ Time and seasons change ♪

♪ But we will still remain ♪

♪ It's just All Of Us ♪

♪ It's just All Of Us ♪

♪ It's just All Of Us ♪

♪ It's just All Of Us ♪♪♪

[instrumental music]

Mommy, the SpongeBob movie is gonna be the best movie ever.

I can't wait.

I can't either, baby.

Excuse me, are these seats taken?

You see this theater is damn near empty.

Why would you..

‐ Frankie! ‐ Neesee, girl.

It's been a while.

I haven't seen you since your older brother dared you

to eat that pound of butter for a hundred bucks.

And look at this skin. I haven't had to use lotion since.

[laughing]

But I've chilled out a lot since then.

Yeah, right, this coming from a guy

who pretended to have a twin just so he can

date the Wormley sisters at the same time.

But I could've got away with it, too

if they didn't wanna double date.

Oh.

[chuckles]

But, hey, my brother told me about you

and Robert getting divorced.

Yeah, it's okay.

We're better off as friends.

But what's been goin' on with you?

I've been saved.

From what?

I've been saved saved.

I found Jesus.

[scoffs] Where, in the club?

[laughs]

Oh. Great.

Good for you...and Jesus.

This is my son, Bobby.

And this is my son, Ezekiel.

SpongeBob's biggest fan.

No, I'm SpongeBob's biggest fan.

Maybe we both are. Want some Skittles?

You're cool. Sit next to me.

Yeah.

Oh, wow.

So, uh, saved, huh?

‐ Yeah. Married, too. ‐ Hmm.

How are you doing?

Are you still goin' to church?

Oh. Me and God are cool.

But I haven't had much time for church

since Bobby was a toddler.

I mean, I just started my own catering company.

I broke off an engagement.

My life's pretty crazy now.

[instrumental music on screen]

‐ Alright! ‐ Yeah!

Yeah!

You should go to church with me this Sunday.

God has changed my life.

[laughing]

Thanks for the offer, Frankie

but I have plans this Sunday.

And I'm not as stressed out as I sound.

Shh!

Is something wrong with your lips?

So Sunday?

[instrumental music]

[knock on door]

‐ Oh, okay, hello. Hello. ‐ Wassup.

Damn, Dirk, I thought you was comin' over to watch the game

not sell Watchtower.

And miss crazy‐ass Frankie Betha 100 percent sober?

I'd give all the touchdowns on the planet to see that.

Yeah, you know, he's probably planning

some kind of hustle or somethin'.

Well, hustle or not, I'm glad we're going to church

because I don't wanna spend the rest of my life

married to a heathen.

Huh, don't worry. You won't.

Oh, Bobby, look at you.

You look like a little Taye Diggs Shrinky Dink.

But I don't wanna go to church.

I wanna stay here and watch football with you and daddy.

Church will be good for you, son.

If it's so good, how come you're not going?

I will...later.

God knows it's the playoffs.

Hey, while you're there, ask him who's gonna win the Super Bowl.

What about you, Tia?

Well, Bobby, older people find their own ways to be spiritual.

You know, like, repeating affirmations

'cause that's what I do, watch.

I...am one.

Okay. I...am six.

That's good. That's good..

[knock on door]

‐ Morning, y'all. ‐ 'Hello.'

‐ Everyone ready? ‐ Yeah.

We're ready for you to stop talkin'

over the football game, Neesee.

I'm not going there with you, Robert.

It's the Lord's day.

But Monday through Saturday, watch your back.

Anyway, you should be comin' to church

if not for yourself, for your son.

Okay, just tilt your hat towards the house

and then we'll catch the whole service on TV.

[instrumental music]

Who is this brother with his daddy's suit on?

Dirty Dirk. Man, I'm glad you came through.

Oh, thanks, man. Hey.

‐ This is my wife, Jonelle. ‐ Hi, nice to meet you.

Man, this is a trip.

Back in the day, the only time I ever saw you in church

is when you was messin' with that freak in the confessional.

Remember that? Whatever happened to her?

I married her.

Rhonda leads the choir now.

Damn, lift every voice and..

♪ Sing ♪♪♪

Okay, now, those are my people.

I grew up with ladies like that.

Wherever they are, that's where the action is.

Are y'all ready for the good news?

(all) Yes.

I said, are you steady, are you ready for the good news?

(all) Yes.

If you're down, the world will lift you up..

...fill your cup.

But you gotta bring it, too.

Love the Lord, and He'll love you.

‐ Praise the Lord. ‐ Amen.

[laughs]

Oh, I love this dude.

He's like Phillip Michael Thomas

and Creflo Dollar.

Today, I wanna rap to y'all about marriage.

Now, in Ephesians 5:25, it says

"Husbands, love your wives.."

"...even as Christ also loved the church."

‐ Yeah. ‐ Yeah.

Hear that, fellas?

"Love your wife as Christ loved the church"

like she's a part of you

not like some old, tired Hyundai

you're try to trade her for a new Maybach.

Mm‐hmm, mm‐hmm. You hear that, Dirk?

Ladies, you must support your men

and keep them strong.

Show them you love them, and they will never stray.

But do you do that?

Or do you just ask, "What have you done for me lately?"

You listening? You listening?

Protect your marriage, marriage is sacred

and no matter how rough it gets

you must honor your commitment.

[indistinct chatter]

[thinking] Pastor Winters is right.

Marriage is sacred.

Me and Johnny weren't ready for that.

And there's no shame in bein' alone.

I love my son.

I love my job.

Shoot, I love me.

But who wouldn't?

Ooh, it feels so good

to be back in church.

(Winters) 'So if you feel the spirit, shout it out!'

(all) Yeah!

Say ow!

I mean, Amen.

(all) Amen.

Wives, protect your husband's hearts

and they'll show you theirs.

[thinking] I wanna protect Dirk's heart

but, Lord, he's just so faulty.

He makes everything a joke, like the time

I broke my foot, and he kept asking me

"How we gonna kick it, Jonelle? How we gonna kick it?"

I'd like to kick him.

But I'm his wife, so I guess

that means I have to try harder.

Husbands, bless your wives.

‐ 'Yeah.' ‐ 'Yeah!'

Don't tear them down, honor them.

[thinking] Maybe I'm not tryin' hard enough with Jonelle.

But, ooh, she gets on my damn nerves.

Oh! Can I say damn?

What am I talking about? This is my damn head.

I can say whatever I damn well please.

Damn, damn, damn.

But, I did make a commitment to Jonelle before God..

...and she does look good in a thong.

Damn!

(Winters) 'One, eleven, it says..'

Let's have a date night...wife.

That sounds lovely, husband.

[instrumental music]

[creaking]

[panting]

[laughing]

[thinking] That's funny.

Now, I'd like to open the floor to anyone

who wants to give a testimony

on how God has changed their life.

Brother Betha, please come forward.

'Amen. Amen.'

[applause]

Anyone who knew me before I got saved could tell you

that I was a sinner.

[indistinct chatter]

I did a lot of things I'm not proud of.

But then, I found Jesus.

‐ 'Praise..' ‐ 'Praise the Lord.'

And it's a blessin', because in Romans 6:23

it plainly says

"The wages of sin is death."

‐ 'Yes, it does. Yes, it does.' ‐ 'That's right.'

(Winters) 'There isn't a good ending for those'

'who don't follow the righteous path.'

Now, everyone is going to live forever.

I'm just trying to make sure you get the right address.

‐ 'Amen.' ‐ 'Very good.'

[applause]

And if you don't start acting right

and praying for forgiveness

you can plan to face your just reward

in the fiery pits of hell.

[murmuring]

So, now let's all rise and sing

"What a friend we have in Jesus."

♪ What a friend we have in Jesus ♪

♪ All our sins and griefs to bear ♪

♪ Oh yeah‐ah ♪

♪ What a privilege.. ♪♪♪

Hey, Bobby, I just made a fresh batch of cookies.

‐ Would you like one? ‐ No, thank you, ma'am.

I don't want to spoil my dinner.

"Ma'am?"

Hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey! Do I smell cookies? Huh?

Yes, I do. Bring 'em over here.

Hold on, let me see which is sweeter.

Mmm.

‐ Cookie. ‐ Oh, you know..

Hey, Bobby, you better come over here and grab one of these

before I turn into the cookie monster.

No, thank you, sir.

I'll have Tia's tasty bean curd casserole first.

‐ Okay, something's wrong. ‐ Mm‐hmm.

He's been acting real strange all week.

Making his bed, brushing his teeth.

Bathing like he was born in a tub.

Yeah, if you wanna call cleanliness strange.

Yeah, well, I'mma get to the bottom of this.

Hey, Bobby, you want to take a break

and watch some SpongeBob with your old man?

I don't like SpongeBob anymore.

He's mean. He hit Patrick the starfish and made him cry.

How about Veggie Tales?

The one with the born‐again carrot?

You said they were boring.

I didn't mean it!

I promise I'll never say it again!

Bobby, calm down. It's okay. What are you looking at?

God, if I don't tell Him I'm sorry, He's gonna punish me

and send me to the fiery pits of hell!

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Son, there's nothing that you or any other six‐year‐old

can do that bad to get sent to hell.

Mr. Frankie said "God sends sinners

to the fiery pits of hell!"

Bobby, come on, listen to your dad.

Now, there's a little piece of God in everybody.

And God wouldn't send Himself to hell now, would He?

Yeah, He would. God doesn't play.

Okay, listen, Bobby, what we're trying to say is

God loves everyone who does the right thing.

And you're going to church, so you're safe, right?

I guess.

But, dad, you don't go to church.

God's going to send you to hell.

‐ Oh. ‐ And you too, Tia.

Oh!

Okay, Bobby, he‐he, listen, um

we'll go to church with you, alright?

Thanks, guys.

It's okay, God. They're coming.

[instrumental music]

So..

So..

‐ Date night. ‐ Sure is.

Strawberry?

Ah! Dirk, you bit off my nail!

That was your nail?

I thought the strawberries were bad.

[winces]

Uh...you look nice, by the way.

Thanks.

[Jonelle thinking] My French tip is bleedin'

he's suckin' on my neck like a pork chop

and all I wanna do is end this.

[sighs] Hold up, girl.

The Bible says to cherish your man.

[Dirk thinking] What is this funky perfume she's wearing?

All I wanna do is end this.

Come on, Dirk, stay strong.

Make it work. Make it work for Jesus.

What's that goofy look on her face?

She's not pregnant, is she?

[both sigh]

Robert James, my man.

[chuckles] What's up, Frankie?

Last time I saw you

you were shaving a runway in my Jheri Curl.

‐ Hey, Frankie, this is Tia. ‐ Hey, how you doin'?

I've heard a lot about you.

You know, I used to be a bit of a party girl myself.

During quiet hour in my dorm room

I used to, um, play

Miami Sound Machine really loud, you know?

[laughing]

[Robert chuckles]

‐ Hey, Frankie. ‐ Oh, Neesee.

We have to talk to you about something

you said in your testimonial last Sunday.

Yeah, and when you came down with the fire and the brimstone

uh, you know, Bobby took a little bit

too much out of it, and now he's afraid of God.

Bobby, I was talking about adults who lost their way.

I didn't mean you guys.

Like I tell my son Ezekiel, God loves all children

and He would never punish you like that.

Really? Are you sure?

Just love God like He already loves you.

‐ Cool? ‐ Cool.

Cool, now I can get home and watch the fourth quarter.

What? It's the Saints.

And God said, "He who follows Him

will end his strife and receive everlasting life!"

‐ Amen! ‐ Hallelujah!

[applause]

[thinking] Wow! Church is more fun than I thought.

And it's a nice supplement to my chanting.

Nan ye ho.. Oh, wait, wait, wait!

What‐what is this feeling? Am I getting saved? What?

Oh, no, it's just my phone vibrating.

(all) Hallelujah!

Now, last week, I spoke on marriage.

Today, I wanna spit at you about those

who won't even commit to marriage.

(female #1) Brethren.

I'm talkin' about you live‐togethers

'you house players.'

'I'm talking about "you're married in your hearts"'

but all you're doing is just play‐acting

and not even Denzel in "Training Day" type acting.

That's right! He's talking about Shaq in "Kazaam" type acting.

[indistinct chatter]

So, sure, you can lay up with your honey

cuddled up and kissin', but no matter how close

you think you are, you're still fakin' the funk.

Fakin' it. Just fakin' the funk, y'all.

Just stinky. Stinky funk.

Before we end the service today

would anyone like to make an announcement?

I would.

There's no greater bond

than between married people

and the Bible says so.

'And anyone who doubts it'

is straight up afraid of what's really real.

Afraid of real. Scaredy cats. Boo!

[screams]

Scared.

Amen, sister. Amen.

(all) Amen.

Now, let's hear another song from our wonderful choir.

♪ Blessed assurance ♪

♪ Jesus is mine ♪ ♪ Oh‐h‐h ♪

♪ Oh what a foretaste ♪

♪ Of glory divine ♪

♪ Yeah oh‐oh‐oh ♪ ♪ Heir of salvation ♪

♪ Salvation.. ♪♪♪

Hey, baby, Frankie's service was pretty amazing.

Although Neesee's Amen corner was a little out of control.

I wouldn't mind going back to Frankie's church.

‐ Me neither. ‐ Good.

You'll marry me there.

What?

Baby, what Frankie and the pastor spoke on today

really hit home with me, and..

Look, I know things are really great between us right now

but it's not enough.

I want it to be forever..

...'cause I love you, Tia.

And I wanna spend the rest of my life with you.

[inhales] Oh, God.

[sighs]

‐ Will you marry me, Tia? ‐ Oh, yes.

Yes, I will marry you, yes.

[instrumental music]

Bobby, why are you down here watching cartoons

when I told you an hour ago to finish your homework

and to clean up your room?

Why? God doesn't punish kids.

He won't, but I will.

Aw, man!

Can I get a Amen?

Amen!

Hallelujah.

[theme music]