Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

How's the tree comin', son?

I'm about to put the lights on.

Whoa! Slow down, cowboy.

[laughing] The tree's already tamed.

Hey‐hey‐hey!

‐ Damn, T, another tree? ‐ Yep.

What you got against squirrels, baby?

Well, this is the upstairs tree

so we can smell Christmas all day and all night.

How about I dab some Pine‐Sol on your neck?

[both laughing]

Since we have two trees

will there be twice as many presents?

Of course, what a Christmas tree is without presents under them?

A forest.

Yo! What's up, everybody?

‐ Ah! ‐ Hey there.

If it isn't Santa's illegitimate Elf.

‐ What brings you here, man? ‐ Yo.

Who have I been tryin' to get on the phone

for the last few months?

Ah, the chick at the gas station?

No. P. Diddy.

Agreed to a Mr. L. A. exclusive before his international tour.

‐ My man came through! Ah! ‐ Yeah.

♪ Bad boys ♪

♪ Come out and talk ♪

♪ Baby baby ♪♪♪

[laughing] So, when're we doin' it?

Tomorrow in New York!

But, daddy, I thought we were gonna make gingerbread houses.

We are, son. Dirk, look around, man.

I'm trying to spend Christmas with my family.

No, I got it all figured out.

We catch a red‐eye tonight.

We do the interview late tomorrow mornin'.

We'll be back in town for me to make

the Christmas Eve buffet at Long Thong Silver's.

‐ I'm not goin' to New York. ‐ What're you talkin' about?

Honey, you've been trying to get this P. Diddy interview forever.

Baby, it's Christmas.

I wanna spend Christmas with you and Bobby, okay?

Tsk. Oh, why do you gotta be so whipped?

You don't see me whinin' about leaving Jonelle.

Jonelle is visiting her family

in Sugar Ditch, Mississippi.

Exactly. And you don't see me whinin'.

Hey, Bobby.

Would you mind if I took a trip?

Will you bring me back a present?

Of course, 'cause that's how I does.

Okay, you buy and I'll try it

because that's how I does.

Baby, baby!

[laughing]

♪ Often I wish that we ♪

♪ Could take the time to see ♪

♪ The need there is to be a family yeah ♪

♪ 'Cause it's all of us ♪

♪ Sometimes it can be rough ♪

♪ Time and seasons change ♪

♪ But we will still remain ♪

♪ It's just All Of Us ♪

♪ It's just All Of Us ♪

♪ It's just All Of Us ♪

♪ It's just All Of Us ♪♪♪

[instrumental music]

Oh, Jesus!

Baby, you're knockin' over the Wise Men.

Well, if they were so wise

the dude with the skirt would have said

"Jesus, watch your back!"

Daddy, are you sure you're just warm enough?

‐ Yeah, why? ‐ Because it's snowing.

[grunting]

Oh, you gonna play like that, huh?

You wanna play like that?

[knocking on door]

‐ Hey. ‐ Hey, everybody!

Ho, ho! Hell no!

Looks like a North Pole swap meet.

We're just gettin' into the Christmas spirit.

Oh, hey, oh, girl.

'Tis the season, I'mma give you a Christmas pass on that one.

Hey, mom, come forward a little bit.

Now, you're under the mistletoe.

Looks like I better get me a kiss then.

‐ Hm.. Muah! ‐ Muah!

[chuckles]

What's this?

Mary and Joseph's overnight bag?

Oh, no. I'm running to New York right quick for an interview.

Aw! Wonderful news!

‐ I'm so happy for you. ‐ Thanks.

Bobby, why don't you go upstairs and get your bag?

I can't believe you're goin' to work over the holidays.

This is just like you, Robert.

Well, don't get mad at Robert, because he didn't

wanna go, I had to talk him into it.

‐ That's right. ‐ You did what?

He has an interview with P. Diddy.

It's gonna be great for his career.

Baby, baby!

Damn his career.

During the Christmas holidays, he's a professional daddy.

And, right now, you need to be thinkin' about

your son instead of some interview.

Look, Neesee, I've never missed a holiday

with my son, and I'm not gonna miss one now.

And just so you know

I talked to Bobby before I agreed

and he's cool with it.

He's six, Robert.

He's cool with brushing his teeth with pudding.

Well, actually, he's very‐‐

Actually, he's talkin' to me, Tia.

Uh‐hah.

I know, and now I'm talkin' to you. Aah!

‐ You know what‐‐ ‐ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hey, hey, hey, let's not fight

in front of all of Bethlehem, alright?

Look, I'm only gonna be gone for one day

so stop trippin', Neesee.

Hey, I'm ready to go, mom!

Hey, me and Tia are making

gingerbread houses tomorrow.

Can mommy help too, Tia?

Of course, she can. Right, Tia?

Yeah, sure, if she wants to.

You want to, mommy?

[sighing] Sure.

It sounds like fun.

Cool. Well, I got a flight to catch.

So, uh.. Ahem.

I'll see you guys tomorrow, alright?

Oh! Hey, look

I'm under the mistletoe.

Got it.

[instrumental music]

Yo, I'm gonna find out what's going on.

Excuse me, sir, we just left Los Angeles

and there was no problems in New York

what happened since then?

All the runways are frozen, sir.

How did that happen?

Well, sir, first, it rained real hard

and then it got real cold.

I understand the science of it.

Yo, if New York is frozen over, we're gonna miss the interview

so I think we should take the next flight back home.

Oh, man!

I know it's hard, Dirk.

You gave up Christmas with Jonelle for this.

Please! I just wanted to party in the city with Diddy.

See, I got my rhymes ready and everything.

Uh, sir..

Uh, we just wanna go back to LA.

When is the next flight leaving here?

Don't worry, Mr. James.

You're absolutely on the next flight out.

Oh, thank God. When is it?

Tomorrow afternoon.

What? I'm gonna miss Christmas?

No, it will still be Christmas.

You just won't be home.

[instrumental music]

That's a cool house, mom.

Oh, wait till you see my Twinkie limo

sittin' on Oreo dubs.

I like yours a lot too, Tia.

Well, wait until I finish my licorice window treatments

and my chocolate fondue Jacuzzi.

Where's my chocolate?

I don't know.

All sorts of stuff come up missing on construction sites.

Well, uh‐oh!

Somebody just stole your Graham cracker porch.

Oh, it's like that. Okay, okay.

Well, I'mma take your skylight, hmm?

This isn't edible, is it?

Actually, no. It's a button covered in frosting.

[laughing]

Girl.

You know what?

I'm actually having a good time.

Thank you for inviting me, baby.

Yeah, this actually turned out to be a lot of fun.

Yeah, can we push these three houses together

and make a gingerbread mansion?

‐ Why not? ‐ Okay.

‐ 'Here we go.' ‐ Hm.

Whoo!

Yeah, girl.

[instrumental music]

Is that him? Is that Santa?

No, that's just a plane.

Oh, wait! I think I see..

Never mind.

That's just a fly on the window.

[telephone ringing]

Hello.

‐ Oh, hey, Robert. ‐ Daddy!

What?

Yeah, hold on.

He wants to talk to you.

‐ What's going on? ‐ 'Hi, daddy.'

Robert's plane got held up in Denver.

What?

[sobbing] Daddy said he's not gonna be

home for Christmas.

It's okay, baby. It's okay.

Let's go home. It's gettin' late, okay?

Go grab your jacket.

This is the worst Christmas ever.

Well, thank you for ruining

my son's Christmas, Tia.

What did I do?

If you never would've opened your mouth

Robert would never have left.

Well, well, we haven't even plugged in

the "Little Drummer Boy" yet.

Bye, Tia.

[sobbing] Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas.

[sighing]

[electricity crackles]

Oh!

♪ O come all ye faithful ♪

♪ Joyful and tri.. ♪

Oh, thank God! Carolers!

(female #1) 'This house is dark.'

'These people must be on vacation.'

'Let's not even knock on the door.'

Uh, no! Ow!

No, I'm home! I'm home! Help me!

‐ Help me! ‐ She's crazy. Run!

Wait!

Help me find my fuse box!

Please.

[cell phone ringing]

Hey, baby.

Are you calling me to yell at me for being stuck here?

No, I was just calling to see how you're doing.

You know, just checking on my man.

Hey, man.

[chuckles]

Well, I'm just checkin' on my woman.

What you doin', woman?

Oh, baby, we are over here having the time of our lives.

Yeah.

[ringing bell] Uh, Bobby!

Boy you better stop playing over there with that bell.

Neesee, you cooking again, girl?

We've got so much food already.

It smells delicious, though.

Baby, I already talked to Neesee.

I know you're all by yourself.

Oh.

Well, did you also know I'm alone in the dark?

I plugged the "Little Drummer Boy" into the wise man's socket

and overloaded the system.

And then Baby Jesus just lit up

like a Christmas tree and sparks

shot out of Mary's eyes, and the whole thing‐‐

Okay, okay, baby, listen, listen, listen.

The fuse box is in the alcove.

Switch all the buttons to the right

and then you're good to go, okay?

[sighing]

‐ You alright? ‐ Yeah.

Baby, this is gonna be the worst Christmas ever.

‐ I'm gonna be all by myself. ‐ But you don't have to be.

Listen, I have this great idea, alright?

What if you go over to Neesee's

and spend Christmas with her and Bobby?

I'd rather spend it in the bathtub with the Wise Men.

Oh, come on, baby, you gotta get on board with me

especially if I can't be there.

Plus, Neesee said it was okay.

‐ Neesee said that? ‐ 'Yes.'

Besides, I already told Bobby

that you were coming over with our gifts.

Oh, Robert, emotional blackmail?

It's all I got.

Plus, the fact that I love you very much.

Mm, well, you are lucky that I love you back.

'Cause I.. Hello?

Oh, b‐baby, h‐hold on, hold on a second, okay?

'Cause my phone's startin' to lose its juice. Hold on.

[electricity crackles]

Oh, dang it!

[instrumental music]

Hey, you wanna go from gate to gate

and sing Christmas carols?

Yeah, why don't you start with "Silent Night?"

♪ Silent.. ♪♪♪

Turtle!

You alright, man?

No, man. I'm thinking about Bobby.

He's still upset I'm not gonna make it home for Christmas.

Well, then I think a little Secret Santa gift exchange

will lift your spirits.

Robert, I believe you have a little something

in your stocking.

I'm not wearing any stockings.

This better not smell like feet.

Oh, okay.

The new Lil Jon And The East Side Boyz CD.

‐ Thank you. ‐ Merry crunk‐mas.

[chuckles]

Dirk, um..

...I believe you have something for me.

I do?

Oh, yeah, I do.

Here you go. Merry Christmas.

A half‐eaten cinnamon roll and a dirty napkin.

I promised myself I wouldn't cry.

Robert, I believe you had Dirk.

Oh..

[whispering] And they're just your size.

Little fella wore his self out.

[scoffs] This whole situation is wearing me out.

[sighing]

(Lil Jon) Hey!

Try this. This'll get you crunk.

Little Jon And The East Side Boyz.

Yay! Go on, try some of that crunk juice, bruh!

[shrieking]

What's wrong, Robbie? You look kinda down, dawg.

Oh, man, it's my son.

I promised him I'd be home for Christmas.

And I never broke a promise to him.

Oh, man, there's gotta be some way you can get home

and get crunk with your little one, man.

Yeah, that's what I thought, but the next flight

doesn't leave until Christmas night.

Oh, well, you can't give up hope

'cause anything can happen, man.

That's what Christmas is all about, Robert.

Am I dreamin'?

Probably. Why?

And that would explain why those lingerie models

are having a pillow fight in the airport.

Give us a second before you wake up.

‐ Yeah, a second or two. ‐ Yay!

Robert, wake up.

(Dirk) Robert, wake up.

Oh, Dirk.

Thank God you're not wearing a thong.

Who told you about that, Jonelle?

Did she tell you that was a dare, bro?

A dare.

You're a freak, bruh.

A freak.

[instrumental music]

Bobby, be patient. Tia will be here soon.

And then you can open the rest of your gifts.

Oh, man!

[doorbell ringing]

Alright!

‐ Hey. ‐ Hey, Tia, is daddy with you?

Uh, no, sweetie. It's just me.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Tia.

‐ Same to you. ‐ Can I open this one?

Sure. It's from me and your dad.

What is it? What is it?

[gasping] A Game Boy!

Thanks, Tia. Can I go play with it in my room, mommy?

Sure, baby.

Uh, so, can I get you some coffee or somethin'?

Coffee would be great. Thanks.

So, any update on when Robert is supposed to be back?

Uh, later tonight, I think.

Maybe tomorrow.

So you still think he did the right thing

by taking this interview?

Yeah.

Wow.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means, get ready.

This year, Christmas.

Next year, Thanksgiving.

Then birthdays, anniversaries.

If there's a card for it

then he's gone for it.

Gone working, 'cause that's what he does.

And I knew that when I met him.

So, if you don't mind, would you please

stop predicting my future based on your past?

Well, wait until you have a child of your own.

Are you saying I don't mind Robert being gone

because Bobby's not my son?

[sighing] No.

What I'm saying is, you're not the one who has to

clean up the mess and comfort your six‐year‐old

when his father's not here for Christmas.

[sighing] Tia, I don't mean to lash out at you.

But it's one thing when Robert wasn't here for me.

But when he starts not being here for Bobby..

‐ Oh. ‐ Look, Neesee, I..

I know you're going through some things

I couldn't possibly understand.

Let's hope you never have to.

Here's an idea.

Why don't we just stop judging each other's lives?

I mean, we're dealing with the same man

but we are two very different women.

You're right.

Hey, Christmas is not supposed to be this heavy.

Oh, I know that.

Looks like one of those gifts you have

has my name on it.

I got one for you, too.

‐ Thank you. ‐ Mm‐hmm.

Hey, here's an idea, why don't we just

open 'em at the same time?

‐ Okay. ‐ Okay.

‐ Okay, one, two, three. ‐ Okay.

[both grunting]

[both giggling]

Girl, you shouldn't have.

It's French vanilla, it's my favorite.

And that's lavender, that's my favorite.

Oh.

Yeah.

[both chuckling]

[knocking at door]

‐ Holler at your Santa! ‐ Oh!

Robert, you made it back!

Bobby! Come here, baby!

Daddy, I knew you wouldn't let me down.

Hey, man, I would never miss

Christmas with my firstborn.

This is number six for us.

I could remember your first Christmas like it was‐‐

What'd you bring me?

I see you remember, too.

Alright, you know I was in the airport all day

so I was only able to get you this.

A Twista CD! I love Twista.

I know. That's why I got it.

But there's more.

Holler at your Santa.

(Tia) 'Oh.'

Baby, how did you get back?

Well, first, things were bad, then they cleared up.

I guess it was a Christmas miracle.

How were things here?

Well, first, they were bad, and then they cleared up

so I guess we had a Christmas miracle, too.

Mm, thank you, Robert. Thank you.

I really appreciate you hustling to get back.

Hey, I'm a professional dad, that's what I do.

Yeah, that's what you do.

[instrumental music]

♪ Took you to the queen that I see you for ♪

♪ Take you shopping on sprees in stores ♪

♪ I'm a get you to the MTV Awards ♪

♪ We about to do a show tonight ♪

♪ You looking good girl show you right ♪

♪ Take you places I know you like ♪

♪ I could make you a celebrity overnight ♪

♪ Come here girl you could hang if you bored ♪

♪ We could do plenty things plus more ♪

♪ I'm about to have you change in the stores ♪

♪ I can even get you to the Soul Train Awards ♪

♪ We about to do a show tonight ♪

♪ You looking good girl show you right ♪

♪ Take you places I know you like ♪

♪ I could make you a celebrity overnight ♪♪♪

(Robert) 'Bobby, wake up.'

Poor fellow wore himself out.

[theme music]