Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

[blowing whistle]

What's the matter, baby?

Scared you're gonna get in trouble with the coach?

Well, you know, I hope I do.

I just love me a man in uniform.

[chuckles] Well, you know

I can go slip on my birthday suit.

Ooh, I cannot wait to see you run up and down the court

in your hot little coach pants.

Do a little coaching for me, baby, come on.

‐ Oh, okay. You like that, huh? ‐ Yeah.

You little freak.

[chuckling]

Alright, guys, look here!

We're gonna run a two‐three zone defense.

‐ Yeah, yeah, yeah. ‐ Alright?

‐ You get that? ‐ Ooh! Yeah, I see that. Okay.

That means, two on top

and three on the bottom!

[chuckles] Ooh, coach.

You make me wanna put on a full‐court press.

Oh, damn, baby, this is more like a man‐to‐man

if you ask me.

(Jonelle) 'Tia!'

‐ Mm. ‐ Damn! 20 second time out.

Whoa, whoa, baby. W‐what about the sexy pants and the whistle‐‐

T, Robert, help us settle this, please.

We're redoin' our floors and we're tryin' to decide

which one is best, what y'all think?

They both look like wood to me. Bounce.

‐ Thank you. ‐ No. T..

‐ Ugh! ‐ T, help me out here.

Alright.

They both look like wood to me. Bounce.

‐ Thank you. ‐ T!

Okay!

You're right, you're wrong.

I told you they'd be able to help.

Alright, well, if you get the light floors

then I'm gettin' the mirrored ceiling.

Who's the man?

You the man!

That's what I'm talkin' about.

Now, if y'all will excuse me

I gotta coach the man's basketball team.

That's my little all‐star.

Tell your little all‐star

Larry Bird wants his shorts back.

♪ Often I wish that we ♪

♪ Could take the time to see ♪

♪ The need there is to be ♪

♪ A family yeah ♪

♪ 'Cause it's All Of Us ♪

♪ Sometimes it can be rough ♪

♪ Time and seasons change ♪

♪ But we will still remain ♪

♪ It's just All Of Us ♪

♪ It's just All Of Us ♪

♪ It's just All Of Us ♪

♪ It's just All Of Us ♪♪♪

[instrumental music]

Hey, puddin', how was practice?

You should've seen me, mommy.

I was shakin' and bankin'!

He was shakin' and bankin'!

Nobody could touch me.

The boy said, "Nobody!"

I was on fire!

Too hot to touch!

I'm so proud of you, baby, I'm so proud. Mwah!

So you go clean up, and I'll make little sandwiches.

I'll even cut 'em in little basketballs.

Yeah! Who's the man?

You the man!

The boy sucks.

‐ What? ‐ You heard what I said.

He's horrible, P. U. stinky!

Shh, shh, shh!

‐ So what? ‐ So what?

He's my son, Neesee. The boy has to represent the James name.

He's only six years old. He can barely spell the James name.

Don't kill my baby's joy.

James' basketball

goes to the hoop.

Three, two, one.

Oh!

Save it for your game, son.

[instrumental music]

Whoo! You guys are looking good today!

That's it, Jacob. Good job, son!

I'm gonna go pass out these thundersticks.

Okay.

Uh, need some more help with that?

Oh, thanks.

I'm Sarah Willis. Trevor's mom.

Oh. Neesee James.

‐ Bobby's mom. ‐ Oh.

Wow! You really go all out, huh, girl?

Oh, yeah. I've been Team Mom for two years running.

‐ Really? ‐ Mm‐hm.

I didn't know there was a Team Mom position available.

Because there's not.

Mommy, I'm thirsty.

Baby, I have your water right here.

Oh, never mind, mommy, Ms. Willis is here.

Ms. Willis' drinks are the best.

Can I have one?

Can he?

[chuckles] Mm‐hm.

[sighs] Man..

This referee is a no‐show.

Oh, no! What are you gonna do?

‐ I need you to do it. ‐ What? No, honey.

I say that's ridiculous.

I haven't reffed in years.

‐ What if I mess it up? ‐ Mess up?

Baby, you were refereeing games when I met you.

With those tight polyester pants on

and that black and white striped shirt.

Looked like you was in a sexy prison.

[both chuckling]

‐ That's so naughty. ‐ Ha‐ha.

‐ Hey, I'm thinkin‐‐ ‐ That's enough. Get it goin'.

Oh.

Gather 'round, gather 'round. Come on in here.

Come on in here. Listen!

We're gonna play hard, and we're gonna play like a team.

And remember, everybody's gonna play

an equal amount of time, alright?

[blowing a raspberry]

[all laughing]

No matter what their actual skills are, alright?

[all cheering]

Alright, on three.

‐ One, two, three. ‐ Two, three.

[in unison] Tigers!

Yeah! Yeah! Rawr!

[blows whistle]

Hello! I'm Tia.

The referee.

But in no way does that mean I'll be judging

any of your children today.

So, without further ado..

[blows whistle] Let's get it on!

Let's go! Alright!

Come on, Trevor!

[indistinct chatter]

That's my baby!

[indistinct chatter]

[all cheering]

What are you doin', coach? Get 'em back. Come on!

[dramatic music]

[all cheering]

That's my baby! Huh!

[laughs]

'Yeah, baby!'

[indistinct chatter]

♪ Roar Tigers roar ♪

♪ Let me see you score ♪♪♪

‐ Roar! ‐ 'Roar!'

Alright, look here. This is what we're gonna do.

A new group of guys are gonna go in the game

so everybody who was in the game, have a seat. On three.

[in unison] One, two, three, Tigers!

‐ Whoo! ‐ Tigers!

Why are you takin' Jacob out? He's the only one who scored.

Like I said, everybody's gonna play a equal amount of time.

Is that the girl scout motto?

[blows whistle]

[indistinct screaming]

(all) Oh!

[indistinct screaming]

[buzzer blaring]

[whistle blowing]

Alright. Come on, come on.

[all cheering]

Good game, good game, good game. We'll get 'em next time.

Alright? On three, y'all.

[in unison] One, two, three, Tigers!

Did you see that shot I made with my head, daddy?

Nobody else did that.

That's true.

‐ I'm proud of you, son. ‐ I know.

You know, I'd be happy to make the snacks next week.

Oh, well, thank you, but, you know

the kids are used to a certain...standard.

You understand?

Uh‐uh. I own my own catering company.

You understand?

Oh, well, then what exactly were you thinking?

Oh, I was thinking my moist and delicious

double fudge brownies would hit the spot.

Ooh. Mm, tsk‐tsk‐tsk.

You know, you might wanna rethink that.

[chuckles] We can't fill up our little athletes

on butter and sugar, m'kay?

[laughing]

How about I fill your butt up with my foot, m'kay?

‐ Good game, coach. ‐ Oh, thanks.

If you like to lose.

Everyone plays?

Are you a basketball coach or a bandleader?

They're six years old, man.

‐ Relax. ‐ Or what?

Yo, man, you're gonna back up off me or..

I don't have time for this, man.

Look, this is no way for us

to be acting in front of our kids.

Just like I thought.

I bet you fight like you coach.

Come on, Jacob.

[instrumental music]

[laughing]

Hey, Bobby.

What's up, big baller?

‐ Hey, is everything alright? ‐ Yep.

Alright. So, you ready for practice?

I don't think I wanna play anymore.

Ah.

[chuckles] Hey, look, son.

Sometimes, we're not great at the things

that we wanna be great at.

So you know what we do?

We keep tryin' and never quit.

Son, do you know Michael Jordan?

Yeah.

When Michael Jordan

was in high school

he was your height.

Maybe a little bit shorter.

But in high school, okay? And‐‐

Daddy, what's a punk?

Who's been calling you a punk?

Were those kids calling you a punk?

Not me, dad. You.

[instrumental music]

Who's callin' me a punk?

Is it her? Huh?

Or how about that cross‐eyed thumb sucker?

Everybody says it because you didn't fight Jacob's dad.

[scoffs] Son, listen..

...sometimes bein' a man is not about fighting.

It's about makin' choices.

And yesterday, fightin' Jacob's dad was the wrong choice.

‐ Do you understand? ‐ Yeah.

If you're scared, you should take karate.

Boy, I don't need no karate.

I'm the one who taught you how to fight, remember?

Do you remember when my friend Sam was being mean to me

and you said stop playing with him?

Yeah, why?

Since Jacob's dad's being mean to you

maybe you should stop coaching.

And take karate.

[instrumental music]

You keep messin' when I'm from the hood, dawg.

I don't mess with.. I don't like that.

‐ Shh.. ‐ Mwah.

[screaming]

I'm sorry, baby. I'm sorry.

Who do you think was kissin' on your neck?

It could've been Dracula.

[laughs] Robert, that is so silly.

It's still daylight.

What's goin' on?

Bobby's bein' teased at school

because I didn't fight Jacob's dad.

‐ Oh. ‐ Ah! Here it is.

I'mma beat him like he stole somethin'.

I'mma slam him like a cheap screen door.

I'mma hit him so hard..

...his mama's gonna lose a tooth.

Okay, but look, Robert, you were the bigger man yesterday

by not fighting, be the bigger man today.

‐ Just take the high road. ‐ I am.

Judd lives right off the overpass.

You just need to ask Judd

why he uses insults and intimidation

to manipulate people, that's all.

Tia, that's teacher talk.

‐ Robert. ‐ Don't "Robert" me.

My son is not gonna go through life

thinkin' that his dad is a punk.

‐ Hey, y'all! ‐ Hey.

Hey, Bobby!

‐ Hey, you got your tickets? ‐ To what?

The Gun Show!

[grunts] Feel that, feel that, huh?

Okay. We just came by to find Bobby's basketball goggles.

Well, maybe they're under the..

...couch!

Robert, stop!

I saw Bobby's goggles upstairs.

‐ Thanks, Tia ‐ You're welcome.

‐ Robert. ‐ Ugh! Hm?

[chuckles] Are you acting like Mr. T

because the basketball team called you a punk?

Bobby told you that? What'd he say?

He's just worried about your feelings being hurt.

He think I can't defend myself, Neesee.

Robert, your job is to show Bobby how to be a man.

He may not know it now, but you've done that.

‐ That's what Tia said. ‐ Well, Tia's right.

Thank You, Neesee. So are you.

‐ Thank you, girl. ‐ You're welcome.

Remember, when I said I like it when you two agree?

‐ Mm. ‐ I meant with me!

Hey, son.

Ah, you gonna

get some practice in before the game tomorrow?

No, mommy's makin' chipotle

and I don't wanna get grease in eyes.

Yeah, that's.. Take it to the skillet, son.

Tsss.

[instrumental music]

‐ Hey. ‐ Hey, Dirky.

‐ What's up? ‐ Nada.

‐ What's this? Tater Nuts? ‐ Mm.

Spaghetti Z's.

Almost Eggs?

Where you've been shoppin'? At the shelter?

Tsk. No.

[sighs] Look, I did my budget, and I'm just tryin' to do

everything I can to help us save.

Jonelle, you really think you're gonna keep us

out of the poorhouse with canned lettuce?

And I Can't Believe It's Bacon.

Look, well, one of us has to plan.

Plan for our future..

...our children.

‐ You're not pregnant, are you? ‐ No!

But children are expensive.

‐ What, you wanna buy a kid? ‐ Dirk.

You're doin' too much thinking.

There's no need to even worry about having kids.

Dirk, are you saying you don't wanna have kids?

No. I'm saying we should enjoy each other first.

And then, when you feel that parental tug at your heart

we borrow Bobby.

[chuckles] Excuse me?

Yeah, that way, when we don't want him anymore

we give him back.

And we take all the money we saved and go

lounge in Barbados or some place.

See? Now, that's planning.

Oh..

Dirky, you have been planning. Mm.

But we're still gonna have kids.

Yeah, that's cool. Why don't we practice makin' 'em?

‐ Mm. ‐ Pop open the Champlain.

Ooh.

[instrumental music]

[all cheering]

Time out! Time out! Time out! Time out!

‐ Yes! ‐ Time out on the court!

Oh, no, baby, not that type

of time out, okay? Go over there with your team.

Now, look here. This is what we're gonna to do, alright?

Flint, you're gonna take the ball out

you're gonna get it to Jacob, alright?

Everybody else..

...just move out of his way.

Hey, coach, and I used that term loosely.

Try not to blow this one too, huh?

Can somebody give this man a hug, please?

Okay, Tiger parent.

Let's hear that tiger roar.

(all) Rawr!

[laughs]

Okay, Tiger parents, let me hear you say

♪ Go Tigers go Tigers go ♪

♪ Go Tigers go Tigers go ♪♪♪

[chuckles] You know what, that was alright.

But let me show you how to get it started, m'kay?

♪ I said oh boom‐chika‐boom ♪

♪ Oh boom‐chika‐boom ♪

♪ I said oh boom‐chika‐boom boom‐boom ♪

♪ And boom‐shaka‐laka ♪

♪ Shaka‐laka shaka‐laka ugh ♪

♪ Shaka‐laka shaka‐laka.. ♪♪♪

♪ Go Tigers go Tigers go ♪

♪ Go Tigers go Tigers go ♪

[all cheering]

♪ Go Tigers go Tigers go ♪

♪ Go Tigers go Tigers go ♪

♪ Go Tigers go Tigers go ♪

♪ Go Tigers go Tigers go ♪

♪ Go Tigers go Tigers go ♪♪♪

‐ Neesee. ‐ What?

What are you doing?

Look, she don't want none of this, huh.

What did you just tell me yesterday

about confronting people, huh?

I don't remember, 'cause I'm in a zone right now

so you need to give me 50 feet, and get out of my feet.

No. You said, "Let it go, it ain't worth it."

Why don't you take your own advice, Neesee?

Okay, okay. I'mma let it go for right now.

'Cause I know where she parked.

[whistle blows]

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, you put him back in, finally.

All hail Coach James, King of the obvious!

[whistle blows]

[cheering]

Go, pudding! Take it to the hoop!

Look, mommy, I got the ball!

Bobby, shoot! Shoot the ball!

[buzzer blares]

[whistle blows]

Game over!

[indistinct chatter]

See that, dad? Nothin' but nets.

I'm proud of you, son. Ha‐ha.

Alright, guys, look, great game, great game.

We only scored two buckets for the other team today.

Way to improve.

Alright, so listen, why don't you guys go

shake hands, and then go outside

and get some of Mrs. Willis' snacks.

Alright? On three.

[in unison] One, two, three, Tigers!

Well, loser, you did it again.

At least, you're consistent.

Tia, could you take Bobby outside

to get his snacks, please?

Okay.

But just remember to use

your words, Robert.

Judd, I have to ask you this question

because...I said I would.

Why do you feel..

...you have to use insults

to intimidate and manipulate people?

You tell me, Sally.

[chuckles] You know what, man?

You're a sad man.

You come down here every game

living your dreams through your son.

Why don't you make yourself useful

and turn off the lights on your way out?

How about I turn your lights out?

How about I..

[grunting]

What's that? Look what you made me do, Judd.

Look what you done made me do, Judd.

‐ What, what, w‐what's that? ‐ Ugh!

‐ Ugh! ‐ W‐w‐what?

Coach got your tongue, huh? Can't talk?

So, why don't I tell you what I think you were gonna say, huh?

You were gonna say, "Hey, look, I'm sorry, Coach James

"for acting like a fool, and flapping my gums

and I'll never disrespect you again!"

I'm Robert James, bitch!

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Hey, you, put down the cookie.

Let's play a little one‐on‐one for the title of Team Mom.

Fine. But we play by the rules of the street.

No blood, no foul.

‐ First basket in, wins. ‐ Mm‐hmm.

You take it out.

Who's bringin' snacks next week?

‐ Yeah! ‐ No!

Ha‐ha! Who's your mama?

‐ Yeah! Yeah! ‐ Oh!

♪ I said oh boom‐chika‐boom boom‐boom ♪♪♪

[theme music]