Original subtitles

[upbeat music]

Live from Hollywood, I'm Robert James

Mr. LA, saying peace to you.

(male #1) 'Cut!'

That is SOPLAY.

When you were with me, you may not have been happy

but at least you had style.

You know, Neesee, when we got divorced

I thought we would see a lot less of each other.

Uh, no, we couldn't possibly see less of each other

than when we were married.

Well, it was worth a shot.

Look, I didn't come here to fight.

I came here to show you the invite

to your son's birthday party.

Oh, cool.

[Neesee laughs]

They're little fives 'cause he's five.

I know how old my son is.

I'm still pickin' fours out of my carpet from last year.

Well, we're on this year now

and the price of parties have gone up.

How much you need?

Take one of those fives

and add a couple of zeroes.

Can I add it to the front?

Robert, I need a fire truck.

You just got a Lexus.

No, for the party, Robert.

It's a fireman's theme.

Oh, that's just great.

My son's birthday party is the same theme

as your bachelorette party.

Is Captain Firestick gonna be there?

Aah...don't be mad 'cause you don't have one.

[scoffs]

Well, what should we bring?

Uh, "We?"

[chuckles] "We," who?

‐ Me and Tia. ‐ Tia's not invited.

Wh.. What do you mean?

[chuckles] See, I don't like her.

I don't feel her.

And, you know, like most kids, they don't have fun

with teachers around.

‐ Neesee, she's coming. ‐ Oh, no, she's not.

Neesee, she's my fiancee and she loves Bobby.

‐ I don't care who she loves. ‐ She is coming.

Don't make me out to be the devil woman.

Well, if the pitchfork fits.

Ah‐ah‐ah.

I don't have to invite my ex‐husband's new girlfriend

to my house on my son's birthday.

Hey! Bobby Deuce is turnin' five on Saturday.

Where's my invite?

'Cause you know it's time for Dirkbot's annual

pop‐lockin'est, hip‐hoppin'est

break‐dancin'est, performance thing ever‐‐

Ah, come on, shut up, Dirk.

The kids love it.

Yeah well, you know what they say

about kids and fools.

But you can come, but don't even think about suitin' up.

Come on, now, how you gonna resist this, huh?

How you gonna resist this? How you gonna resist this?

You can't resist this. How you gonna resist that, huh?

Like this.

Don't even say it, Dirk.

Don't say what, "Give me five?"

I can count on you, bruh.

You can count on me.

There's a number of things I could say.

I got five on it.

Alright, bruh, take five.

♪ Often I wish that we ♪

♪ Could take the time to see ♪

♪ The need there is to be ♪

♪ A family yeah ♪

♪ 'Cause it's All Of Us ♪

♪ Sometimes it can be rough ♪

♪ Time and seasons change ♪

♪ But we will still remain ♪

♪ It's just All Of Us ♪

♪ It's just All Of Us ♪

♪ It's just All Of Us ♪

♪ It's just All Of Us ♪♪♪

[instrumental music]

Yay, I win again.

And again and again, and again.

One more time.

And again.

[door opens]

Uh, uh, baby! Hey, come on. Ah, come on.

It's your turn. Come on.

Daddy!

Hey, hey, hey, what's up, little man?

On Saturday, I'm going to be a big man.

That's right. And one day, you're gonna be bigger than me.

‐ Will I be bigger than Dirkbot? ‐ What's a Dirkbot?

He's the bestest, funniest, most shiniest robot ever!

‐ Oh. ‐ Yes, he is.

It's Dirk in a tight‐ass hunk of tinfoil

doin' a dance that robots refuse to do.

Oh.

Hey, man, why don't you go upstairs and put on your jams

and then daddy‐bot will come up and tuck you in.

Yay!

[chuckling]

He loves the Dirkbot, huh?

Mm‐hmm, and Neesee hates him

so every year, it's a win‐win for Dirk.

Well, I can't top that, but I think I found somethin'

to get rid of this funky shell game.

A PlayStation 2.

Ah, a PlayStation 2.

You know, baby, I think it'll be better if you didn't

make such a splash at the party.

What's going on?

Well, Neesee kind of hinted‐‐

Mmh, Neesee doesn't hint.

Neesee says.

Okay, she says you're not invited

but don't worry, I'm not havin' that.

I'm bringing you.

And she's gonna have to deal with it.

Well, I don't wanna go to the party just to prove a point.

Then go so we can make out in the fire truck.

I'm paying for it.

Okay, wait, wait, why don't we have

our own little thing over here?

With or without Neesee?

With.

She's Bobby's mother.

Hmm.

You know, your heart is one of the million reasons

why I'm marrying you.

Now come over here and remind me of two and three.

Come here. Closer, closer, closer, closer.

[instrumental music]

Okay, Alex.

These bags are for the kids who're allergic to peanuts.

These bags are for the kids who can't have sugar.

And those are for the lactose intolerant.

Wow, Bobby's got some cool friends.

You know, you can hire people to do this.

This is an incredible waste of our time.

Ha! El‐Cheapo has me on a budget.

But I don't care because the party's still gonna be fun.

‐ Ow! ‐ Wait, you know what?

I know this Beverly Hills party planner

whose bill will show up on his credit card

as "A Race Against Hunger."

You know, I still can't believe that woman has enough nerve

to throw a second party.

How dare she invite me to my own son's birthday?

Game peeps game.

Please, I've been fightin' this birthday battle

with Hakeem for years.

Remember Reggie's last birthday?

That jackass shows up with a camel, a tent

and his hooker girlfriend was passin' out date cakes

dressed as Salome.

Oh, and you best believe that whore of Babylon

had the balls to invite me.

[sighing] Ooh, you didn't go, did you?

Hell, yeah, I went.

I rode a camel, I ate some pita

and I made sure that girlfriend saw every second of it, okay?

‐ Game peeps game. ‐ Alright, alright.

‐ Mmm. ‐ Mom, I'm bored.

There's nothin' but a bunch of baby toys here.

‐ Yeah. ‐ Yeah.

There's nothin' but a bunch of babies.

‐ Yeah. ‐ Yeah.

Okay, okay, well, mommy brought some toys from home.

Here you go. Come here, Reggie‐‐

‐ Aah. ‐ Come on.

Take this. Go play. Have some fun, alright?

‐ Go on, Bobby. ‐ Cool.

‐ Alright. Mwah. Go. ‐ Thanks, mom.

Hurry up.

You better watch out that you don't spoil the kids.

Oh, please, Hakeem drives them to school in his stretch Hummer.

Okay, the car itself is longer than the walk to school.

I'm just trying to keep up.

You better think about the kids..

...and not that ex‐husband.

Girlfriend, sit down. Let me tell you somethin'.

Divorce is war.

You got to think about everything.

Things like toys and birthdays make kids choose sides.

At the end of the day you better make sure that kid chooses you.

Tia already has your husband.

You gonna hand over Bobby too?

Wait, wh‐what are you doin'?

Calling Dirk.

Tia may try to outspend me

but Bobby loves that stupid Dirkbot.

Hey, Dirk. It's Neesee.

Yeah, I just want to know what time Dirkbot

was performing at my party.

What do you mean you can't?

You know Bobby loves it.

Tia's party?

[instrumental music]

Lower.

Uh.. Yeah, that, yeah, little‐little lower.

Um! Um‐mh.

That's it. That's it, baby.

Whoo! Man, you know what would make this perfect?

I'm not takin' off my top.

A glass of wine.

Oh, that you can have.

It's not for me, it's for you, baby.

Help you get that top off.

Robert!

[knocking on door]

Neesee.

I'm just guessin' that your cell phone

e‐mail and two‐way are all not working.

I needed to talk to you in person.

‐ Uh‐oh. ‐ Yeah, right.

What were you thinking having Dirk perform at Tia's party?

Well, I was thinkin' that you hate him

and Bobby loves him and there's nothin' else to talk about.

Thanks for comin' by, Neesee.

Unh, you better think again.

He's not doin' her party, he's doin' my party.

The real party.

Neesee, if you want Dirk, you can have him.

I mean, between the pony ride and the moon bounce

the kids are gonna be fine.

[laughing]

Pony ride?

‐ Moon bounce? ‐ I..

Wow.

Tia, if you don't stop tryin' to outdo my party

I'm not going to even allow you to put a candle

on a cupcake for Bobby.

Let me put down the liquids.

Okay, and do what?

‐ Come over there and tell you‐‐ ‐ Hey, hey!

Hey, hey, hey, ladies, ladies, we don't..

We don't have to do it like this.

We really don't need your permission

for Robert to throw a party

for his own son at his own house.

Well, his son is also my son

and the only person in the room without a son is you.

Well, like it or not, I'm in Bobby's life.

Well, I'll go with "Not," and you're trippin' if you think

I'm gonna sit back and watch you wiggle your girth

between me and my son.

Girth? Heh! That's funny.

I thought the only G word you knew was "Gimme."

Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme.

Oh. Okay, where you want it, want it, want it?

‐ I'll show you where I want‐‐ ‐ Alright, alright, alright.

That's enough, alright?

It's late, we're tired. We all said things we meant.

Look, I've been planning

Bobby's parties from the day he was born

which for your information was a Wednesday at 9:49 a. m.

when you was just probably draggin' in from some club.

So I don't need you to try to turn this

into an Olympic competition.

You're the one that put the velvet rope around your party.

‐ I invited you to mine. ‐ So, you said, "Mine."

You havin' this party for yourself.

You don't care nothin' about Bobby.

No, what I don't care about

is this conversation that we're having.

We gonna have this conversation!

(Bobby) 'Stop fighting!'

Stop fighting!

I don't want a birthday party at all!

Oh, puddin', wait! Oh..

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

After 15 nursery rhymes, Bobby's finally asleep..

...and so is my ass.

I hope you two are proud of yourselves.

I didn't do anything.

If you keep your girlfriend in check

none of this would've happened.

You will work a "Check"

into any conversation, won't you?

You know what? That's enough.

Alright? This is how it's gonna go down.

We're gonna have one party

and we're gonna have it right here.

Neesee, you are invited. Tia, you are invited.

And if the two of you don't mind, I'm invitin' myself, okay?

I don't need to be at this party.

That's what I've been tryin' to say all along.

Look, I've promised Bobby that everybody

that loves him is gonna be at this party

and that we're gonna get along.

And that's what's gonna happen.

[sighing]

I'll make the cake.

I'll make the sandwiches.

Good, and we'll all pretend

to like that stupid Dirkbot.

‐ Okay? ‐ Fine.

Fine.

Shh!

We all just agreed on somethin'.

No one move.

Boy, please.

[instrumental music]

Alright, almost..

Mm‐mm‐mm.

‐ What do you think? ‐ That's great.

It's a dinosaur, right?

Uh, no, wait a minute. It's breathin' fire.

That must be...Tia.

Mm‐mm. I'm not goin' there.

Today is Bobby's day, and no matter what

I love me some Tia.

Cut. You know what?

I need that with little bit more passion, Neesee.

I want you to make me believe it. Okay?

Alright, one, two, three, action.

And no matter what, I love me some Tia.

Cut. You got the part. I believe that, girl. Yes!

‐ Alright, we'll work on that. ‐ Okay.

Hey, Neesee. You know, your cake smells wonderful.

I can't wait to taste it.

Well, thanks, Tia.

I can't wait to cut you ...a slice.

Okay, just let me know when you want to serve it

so I can get everybody ready, okay?

Thanks, Tia. Will do.

Alright.

Thanks, Tia. Get out the kitchen.

‐ What? ‐ Don't start.

The day is almost over.

I will put you out before I piss her off.

You know, you're much more fun when you hate her. Okay?

‐ Watch it. ‐ See, there she is.

He's been lookin' all over for you, Neesee.

Oh, yeah? What's up, birthday boy?

Will you come outside?

Oh, he want us to hop around in the moon bounce again

but this time, don't wear your heels.

[chuckles] Okay. Well, I'm not finished your cake yet.

‐ Can I have some? ‐ No, not right now, pudding.

But, um... you can lick the spoon.

Wow, Neesee, you did a great job with the cake.

That's a cool‐lookin' duck.

Thanks, Robert, but, um, it's a dragon.

‐ That's what I said. ‐ You said duck.

Yeah, but a‐a duck ain't nothin'

but a little baby dragon.

See, you should always beware of ducks.

See, when I was your age I almost got burnt

by a fire‐breathing duck.

So whenever you see a duck, duck.

‐ Uncle Dirkbot! ‐ Hello, everyone.

‐ The Dirkbot has arrived. ‐ Yay!

Like to introduce my assistants

Veronica, Tasha, Desiree.

Ladies, party's out back.

Pick a spot to set up. I'll meet you there.

‐ Robert.. ‐ Huh. Yeah, uh, okay.

Dirk, what are you doin' bringing them, man?

This is a kids party.

They got parents.

How's it going with Hurricane Neesee?

Actually, it's going pretty smoothly

and Bobby's havin' a great time.

That's amazing.

Can't believe you pullin' it off.

Whenever my exes cross paths

I get billed for at least one torn earlobe

two broken teeth, and a weave repair.

Oh, wow, okay, everyone's here.

You guys wanna get together for a picture?

Come on, Bobby.

(Neesee) Alright, come on, come on, get in.

That's a lot of moves, there.

Everybody say "Jay‐Z."

(all) Jay‐Z!

[doorbell ringing]

Oh, that must be the ice.

Don't cut the cake until I come back.

I think I'll go outside and set the table for the cake.

Alex, you need any help? I'm here for you.

Uh, great, why do I always get hit on by pot‐heads?

Ms. Abrahams, will you take a picture

of just me, mommy, and daddy?

Sure, Bobby.

Come on.

Happy birthday, baby.

Happy birthday, little man.

Alright. "P. Diddy" on three.

One, two, three.

(all) P. Diddy!

‐ Is P. Diddy here? ‐ Is P. Diddy here?

Now, boys, isn't it a little over the top

to think P. Diddy would actually be here?

No. My daddy got him to come to my party.

So that's why my mom got Bow Wow to come to his party.

Quit bragging..

...before I call your daddy and tell him.

He's still single, right?

Is this your mother's party, or is this your father's party?

‐ Both. ‐ I thought they're divorced.

They are.

Are you sure?

Oh, Bobby, it's cake time.

Okay, okay, I'm gonna get the plates.

Tia, this is the best birthday ever.

Oh, thank you, Bobby.

I'm so glad you are havin' a good time.

So you can go home now.

Excuse me?

My mommy and daddy are married again

so you can go home now.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday dear Bobby ♪♪♪

What did we do wrong?

I don't know. Everything?

It's, like, when we fight, it hurts Bobby

and when we get along, it confuses Bobby.

Well, I'm just gonna back off and let the parents parent.

Anyone who has spent five minutes with Bobby

knows that you two are doing something right.

‐ Okay? ‐ I'm fine.

Hi, mom. Hi, dad.

Are you going to bed?

Honey, we need to talk to you.

Okay.

You know mommy and daddy love you very much, right?

Right.

And that will never change ...no matter what.

I know.

Mommy and daddy..

...are like turtles.

Uh‐huh.

That's right, baby.

We're just like turtles.

But daddy's a land turtle

and mommy's a sea turtle.

We live in different places, but we're both turtles.

What kind of turtle am I?

A handsome chocolate turtle..

...who's loved and cherished..

...whose parents are divorced.

But Reggie says you must be married

because we took a picture together.

Um..

Yes, uh..

But Reggie made a mistake.

Mommy and daddy love you very much..

...but we're not married anymore.

Do you understand that?

Where am I sleeping tonight?

On the land or in the sea?

[chuckles]

(Robert) Um..

...how about in a sleeping bag

in the moon bounce with daddy?

‐ Yay! ‐ Go get your sleeping bag.

[instrumental music]

So, we're turtles?

Well, it was either that

or compare our marriage to Monopoly.

Oh, that reminds me. You owe me $200.

Oh...taxes.

You keep that up, I'm gonna need

a "Get out of jail free" card.

[theme music]