Original subtitles

What colour was it, Gran? - What, dear?

The mobility scooter, and they need to know where you left it.

Don't tell them. They might steal it. Call the police.

This IS the police. - oh.

Flash-flash, snap-snap, kiss-kiss...

Another London Fashion Week over. - The foot spa beckons.

"Whose shows are you going to, Patsy?" Flash! Flash!

"New York next week, Patsy?" Flash! Flash! "Boys, give the model a chance!

"Point your cameras at the catwalk." Hello. We've been to the shows.

Oh, was it winter? - No, spring.

Have we had winter? - Last summer.

I think I'm out of the loop. - I feel like I've walked the marathon.

You haven't, though. - No...

Where's Mum? - left! Left!

♫ Wheel's on fire

♫ Rolling down the road

♫ Best notify my next of kin

♫ This wheel shall explode ♫

It was so hard, actually sketching the model when they were moving along the runway.

My hand kept falling off the page.

You got through nearly six pencils. - Good heavens!

Now, let's see what we've got before I set off for the Big...

the Giant Apple... the Big Fruit... the City That Only Sleeps Twice... New York.

Oh, New York. I understand now.

I didn't know it was her shopper-hopper, darling! Anyway, it wasn't up to much, was it?

Might as well walk. - There's a lock on the back wheel.

Eddie, we need some drink here. - Right, darling. Champagne?

Darling, Fashion Week was a war zone.

life-threatening crowd situations, rushing from show to show,

barely clinging to the last shred of one's own personal glamour.

Backstage parties land mined with bitch editors and Donatella bloody Versace.

I wouldn't want to step on her. - She'd take your leg off.

God, tanned like an old kipper now, isn't she?

Don't you think? Honestly, even looking at her can seriously damage your health.

It's so lovely to be back to normal after that terrible thing last year.

Yes. 7/11.

What?!

You know, darling, the... 24/7.

It was 7/11! - 9n1!

I knew that!

Well, let's drink to a world that's changed for the better.

You make me realise it hasn't. You think it's of global importance

that someone reinvented Hispanic Barroco and applied it to a shoe!

Gosh! Have they?

A shoe?! We must get one for Jeremy's.

The girls might like some nibbles.

What's Jeremy's? - It's a new concept fashion store, darling.

Pats isn't with the magazine any more. She's a buyer.

No, Eddie, I'm the Executive Creative Director Chief Buyer and lifestyle Coordinator.

It's a huge responsibility. I'm vey important.

I decide the direction, the adjacencies, the brand miK, the now, the gorgeous,

the wham, the bam, the new noir just decision, decision, decision.

I say what goes in this store.

And what will that be, darling? - Oh, vey little.

A few items that vey few can afford. I've done the customer's shopping for them.

Who is the customer? - Rich bitches

whose faces have been pulled so tight they can't see what they're buying.

And we're her team!

Go, Jeremy! - Go, go, go!

Oh, right. We'll be off, then.

Have a lovely time in NY. - Bubble?

Did Bubble come down here, darling? Where is she? Where...?

Bubble! Come down here and do your job!

How can she still have a job when you don't? - Because I'm retraining her as my PA.

Come on, assistant. Assist. - But I don't understand.

It's vey simple. You are a PA. I tell you what I have to do,

then you tell me, all right.

But I'm scared! - Oh, stop it. Get off!

Get off me! Get off me!

Ask Patsy if she wants another drink. - I'm tying to work.

Darling, darling... Shush!

Eddie, what's she saying? - She's asking you if you want another drink.

Tell her, and she'll get back to me. Come back here! Here!

You can only train with pain. Stay.

I'll have a bottle, but I'll have it in my room.

I'm going. Don't forget New York. - I know.

Have you got a bag?

Put everything on a sticky. There's your...

Cheers. - What's that for?

Toiletries.

What is Patsy's room? - It's the utility room.

That's vey now, innit?

Well, I don't like having her here. I can hear her creeping around and scratching.

I've had to put extra locks on my door. - Oh, poor you

What are you doing...? Pen, pen... Pen, pen, pen, pen, pen...

What is this? "Observations dreay" - what does that mean?

Diary. - Oh, diary.

It's for my writing course. - Oh, your writing course.

I thought they stopped you going after you were arrested for stalking.

How many weeks were you in that poor family's cupboard... observing?

Two. But it was worth it. - Was it?

You should use me as your raw material.

No, I needed a glimpse of normality. - Normality.

Darling, normal is what you know.

It's a new diet thing, darling.

Liz Hurley does it. Dolly cutlery.

It fools your brain into thinking you're eating a big meal.

It's freaky, though, isn't it? Look. Eddie Gianthands.

Eddie Gianthands, sweetheart. - "Mother still fat."

Obser-bloody-vations!

I may be fat, darling, but at least I'm not a thief.

Stealing bits from other people's lives. Stealing their wit and calling it your own.

Little wit-picker, that's all you are. Little regurgitator of old wit-picks.

You know what that is? That's just all arrt-farrt-poop-parp-tit, that is.

Talk to me! - No! People don't have to talk endlessly.

I'm... just lonely.

Well, I am.

You know, Patsy's workin', you're obserrvin'...

I've got no job any more...

that...

listen to me, darling.

I mean... I miss my son.

I do. I miss my lovely son.

He'd talk to me. Serge would talk to me.

I'm calling Marshall to see where Serge is... - You don't need to. He's coming over later.

Marshall?

That does it.

Just looking, not eating. Look, hands.

...so send in your cheque and your infirmity to epiphany and we will pray for you.

Can I hear an Amen? - Amen!

Because God don't like demands. No, he doesn't.

"And he said, 'lo, ' and bade the children crawl up and sit on his lap."

Ephedrians 12.7. Can I hear a praise Jesus? - Praise Jesus!

All the cults, they think they got it made.

All the Hindus and the Buddhists and the lutherans. Oh, yeah.

Well, the Hindus, they got a wheel, and the Buddhists, they got a circle,

and everyone's got Allah coming down, but, friends,

we have got Jesus Christ!

Can I hear an amen? - Amen!

Pay attention up here. Stay with us, lola.

Because we just wanna thank the lord.

We wanna take his holy name on high and thank him from the bottom of our buttocks.

Thank you, dear lord Jesus! Thank you!

Now, Philomena Beale from Ohio bring yourself towards your screen.

Bring yourself up, hitch that chair up, drag those big fat limbs up and look at me.

Now touch me, Phil.

Touch me because I CAN STEAl your cancer!

I CAN STEAl your diabetes!

I CAN STEAl your hypogly... your hypo...

Well, God sees your disease. He don't need a heap of letters.

And through me, in Jesus' name, BE HEAlED!

BE HEAlED! BE HEAlED!

OH, BE HEAlED! - Amen.

We have a TV ministry. - We got a temple and everything.

It's a TV studio.

I had a calling... - It was the network.

But - let me finish - we truly have been changed.

God sent us an angel.

Are you talking about lola?

Oh, she's a wonder. An innocent. A prophetess!

Lola can't see the future. She can't even see her own feet.

Where's my son?

OUR son... - MY son. Where is he?

In the Indian Ocean... - Working with Eskimos...

Pleurgh-blib-bleh-blah-blah!

It's lies, isn't it7. All lies!

- ♫ Jesus is our saviour, Jesus is... ♫ - Not now, Bo.

I've been thinking about this for some time in that fridge, darling.

Why doesn't Serge come home?

What can it possibly have been that drove him away all those years ago, darling?

What can it possibly have been that you did to him, sweetheart?

Me?! - Yes, you. It's the only logical explanation.

He left because of you.

You smothered him and tried to seduce every friend he brought home.

You, with your overbearing corpulence, not me! - Overbearing corp...?!

How dare you, darling?! - You don't even know what it means.

I don't actually, no, but, darling, I know something... My son loved me.

My son always loved me. He always said so.

You were clutching him so tight to your breast, he'd suffocate if he didn't!

Sweetheart... you drove him away because you were jealous.

I wish he was here to take the brunt of you!

Well, tell me where he is, then.

The boy wants to be left alone. - "Boy!"

Praise Jesus! He has come from on high!

Oh, hello, dears. Have I missed anything? - They were just telling me about Serge.

Say nothing. - I was just thinking about him.

I was wondering if it can run in the family. - What?

Zip it! - Being gay, dear.

Serge is gay? - That's true, isn't it, Saffy?

Yes, it is. - Yes, it is?!

My son is gay! My son is gay and you knew!

That's all she needs to know.

Where does he live? - Oh, er...

Don't tell her! - New York, Eds.

New York, that's it. Patsy knew, yes.

My son is gay and in New York and you knew!

My son is gay and in New York. I'm going to New York. I can see him!

He won't want to see you. - Of course he will, darling.

Gay people love me. Oh, yeah.

All my friends are gay.

I laugh with them, I cry with them, darling.

You know... ♫ Oklahoma, where the wind comes sweeping down the plain... ♫

He could fill me in on David and Liza, scream with me when Valentino makes a new flip-flop.

Oh, darling... a personal shopper for life! Ooh, sweetheart!

Give me his address, darling. Go on. - No!

Shut up! I know you've got it in that book. - No!

Will you shut up? Give me the address!

I'll find him! I'll sniff him out!

How many gay men can there be in New York?

Marshall, I am vey disappointed in you.

How could you stand by while your son wallows in the jaws of Sodom?

Oh, Bo! Get real here. We all have gay feelings!

Don't we?

Pats? Pats, sweetheart?

Darling, what are you doing here?

Eddie, I'm not worried about New York, but you will come? You're gonna be there...?

I'm going to find my son. - Yeah, just a little support. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm going to find Serge's address. Saffy's got it. We're going to find it.

If she wakes up, just smother her... - Oh, right. I might have to give her a drug...

Shh! But let's be quiet! - But you will come to New York, won't you?

That's OK, then. Thanks. Cheers. I'm with you. - Come on. Shh!

It's OK. - Just as well. This is good stuff.

Shame to waste it. - Look for a little black book.

She's got everything in it. Little tiny thing.

I hate books, darling. They give me itchy eyes. - Pats! Up there!

I'll keep an eye on her. - Eddie, I need some help here.

Ah, that's vey good. - Give it to me. Give me the book.

There we are, darling. - Serge... Serge...

Serge! "Guff." Must be a club he works in or something.

New York, New York. Put that back. Guff. New York, New York.

Won't even notice it's gone. - I knew she knew.

Yeah... Ed? Ed, can you...?

Can you help me down from here?

Mum!

Good morning.

Mum! - Eddie! Eddie!

Have you got everything? Tickets, money, passport...

Don't go! - No, come on! We're going!

Ow! Damn! Ooh! Ooh!

Get up those stairs! Darling, darling...

She's given me a wedgie on my thong. Can you...?

Keep still...

Ooh, that's better. Ooh, that's a bit better. Thank you, darling.

Can you still see it? Is it still sexy? - Yeah. Well...

Have you seen my glasses? I just...

Even if you find him, he won't want to see you.

He will, darling. My son is gonna love me.

Tickets, money, passport. - No! No!

No!

We have check-in. Yeah.

No, stay there. We're paying to stay in the car. - Tickets and passports, please.

Is this upper class? - Yes, madam.

My face was too close to the camera. That's me. - Thank you. Passport, please.

Is he getting the bags?

Sarah, would you have a look? When was this photo taken?

It's vey recent. - OK, thank you. There's your boarding pass.

Have a good flight today. - Drive! Drive!

You're not nervous, are you? - No, it's all about confidence.

If I believe it, they'll believe it. Whatever I choose is cool because I am cool.

What's that, darling? - Oh, Chanel No. 5.

I wonder what he looks like? - Who?

Serge.

You're not still on about him? - He's my son!

Who you haven't seen for... - All right. Ten, eleven...

When did he leave? - When did you notice he'd gone?

When did I have him? - When did your pelvic floor collapse?

What age was I? - Maybe he doesn't eKist.

Maybe, Eddie... Maybe that wasn't the placenta you ate.

Ridiculous.

We have to meet him. He has to answer all these questions.

A talking placenta. - He'll be more interesting than that.

He'll be... Oh, I need some fresh air.

Yes! My son is gay and living in New York! Yeah!

Oh! Oh! My sunglasses! My sunglasses!

Stop the car! Stop the car! My sunglasses! Stop the car!

Stop the car! They're vintage Jackie O!

Stop the car! Go for it, babe!

YOUTH NABBED AS SNIPER II BY BLONDIE)

♫ Be my only

♫ Be my own ♫

Where are we? Are we not staying at the Four Seasons, darling?

It's the Soho Grand. This is where it's at. Downtown. The street.

You won't be woken by a Gucci loafer on a marble floor.

It'll be Reeboks smashing the door,

so some kid can jack your bling. - Fabulous!

Oh, lovely hotel.

Oh, I want to wear some of this, darling. - It'll never fit.

I'll drape it. - We'd better get a move on.

We've missed the press breakfast, but we can start with Timmy Holefinger,

Then Ellis, D... DKNY

and then Bartley, then Luca Luca,

then we can go onto... oh, Zac Posen.

My little man with the bling.

Then, darling, we could go down to Serge's club.

Guff, darling. It's a club. It can't be that hard to find.

Just think - tomorrow, I'll have a gay man on my arm.

Darling, you don't need a fag bangle.

That porter could've been him. I wouldn't know. - Too tall, Eddie.

He might've grown. - Too thin.

Oh, never thought about it like that. Yeah.

So, where shall we start?

Champagne tent? - Yeah. Champagne tent.

Well, let's go.

Darling...

Ready, Marshall? - Do I have to do this?

Yes. Don't talk back to me, you little twink.

I'll stay for one drink. - All right.

Stay and experiment with your gay feelings.

But if you fall foul of sin... - Which I won't.

...which you might, and if you do, you come back here,

we will exorcise the demon and laugh the laugh of the righteous.

I hope you're writing this down. This could be a movie.

Did you call Serge? - I tried. I'll try later.

Big daddy bear!

Go. You go. You go.

OK, God loves you, just not your condition, big guy.

Take care of baby bear.

I'M ON E BY BLONDIE)

♫ I'm on e, I'm on e

♫ I'm on e, got nothin' to say

♫ I used to have a car of my own... ♫

Cheers. Yeah, I'm with Jeremy's now. Yeah.

Cheers. Thanks a lot.

It's clearing a bit. I'll go back to the bar. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, Ruff, how are you doing? - I'm OK.

Seeing a lot of them? - I'm seeing all of them, baby.

We can give Herrera a miss, actually.

Oh, hi. - Hello, sweetheart. How are you?

Great. - My son'll be here tomorrow. He's gay.

Precious, precious little sparrow.

Read to me from your little journal, take my mind off things.

Thank you!

"Cupboard Memoirs - Day 5.

"My flask is empty. I'm now surviving on old cornflakes that I found in the cupboard.

"The family have still not been alerted to my presence.

"This is fantastic. Observing life through the keyhole have opened up a new world to me.

"This afternoon, they sat at the table and said nothing for almost ten minutes,

"and then the mother made them a cup of tea.

"The father, called Ted, turned on the TV and they watched Changing Rooms,

"which is a television programme.

"They watched it without comment. Nothing was said.

"Nothing was said. It was so funny."

That's vey funny. Where is Marshall?!

Why isn't he back yet, that crazy little chubby chaser?

Oh, baby, what if he never comes back?

I'll have to do the show myself. I can do that. I've done it before.

...and that was sort of it. - That's fascinating, lola.

Now, lola, how did Jesus come to you?

Did he come from the side? Did he come straight at you?

If he came from below, you wouldn't have seen him. He'd have been lost for days.

Now, lola, how did Jesus come to you? - He came more on the diagonal.

That's a big word for you! Diagonal. And what did he look like?

Like... like Jesus.

Like Jesus. Did he have a beard? - Oh, yeah.

Was he wearing sandals or was he barefoot? - Barefoot.

What colour was his robe? - Blue.

That weren't Jesus! Jesus has a white robe.

That was a demon, lola. - oh.

A demon came to you, lola? - No, I...

Is that what happened? Get down and pray for forgiveness.

This is what he asked me to do. - Good God! Get the demon out! Demon out!

Demon out! Demon out!

What am I gonna do?

Let me see the schedule.

So, er... Oh, darling, what does it say?

Basically, we've missed the first six.

We've got to see something. - It's down there. We'll catch the next one.

I'll get another drink. - No, I'm being vey selective.

Take it easy. - I'm not prepared to reveal my vibe.

What is your vibe? - Bling.

Just simple, you know? Just, um...

Just a T-shirt on a rail and a bag.

Simple. - Yeah.

We'll come tomorrow. We'll do Zac Posen

That's all we have to do. That gives us the afternoon. Cheers.

Then we could go down Serge's club.

Oh, no! - I have to, darling. You promised.

Everyone out there thinks he's coming tomorrow. Please, sweetie.

Well, change first, Eddie.

It's here. Ooh, sweetheart! Guff! Guff!

Guff.

Oh, Guff. "Gays Uniting Friends and Family."

So not a club? - No, it's a drop-in centre for l, G...

"lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Trans-gender."

Oh.

My son is gay. He works here.

Serge. Is he here? - No.

Will you give me his address and phone nu...? - No, I can't give it to you.

I'm his mother! - No, I can't.

Well, who can? - Goldie, our counsellor, but she won't.

Get out!

Get out! Get out! I'm not talking to you people again.

There you are in my office, crying. "Oh, my son! Ooh!

"My son is gay! What am I going to do?"

You know what you can do? Get over it! Get out!

Creepy, strange-ass white people!

Sit. And you know what? They all have the same little idea.

Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay.

I do weddings. That's how I really make my money. Can I show you something?

I want to welcome you here to the LBGB counselling centre.

I counsel out of the goodness of my heart because I want people to be married.

Will you think about getting married for me?

Now, I do these same-sex marriages. It doesn't cost much.

And you know what I include? Foot-washing and hand-fastening.

I have speaking in tongues, just as a sideline...

Eddie, just play along with me.

It costs nothin' and I take traveller's cheques.

I take it you're both "l"

Yes. I take it you're "T"

No, I'm just getting over flu, but you're the second person to say that today.

Hmm... Who's been smoking?

I can smell it.

Is it you? Come here. Come here, gal.

Come here. Let me smell you.

Oh, God! One more time!

Thank you, girl. I've been sitting up here all day, tying to get myself together.

You know what? You like lady Nicotine to me. Lady Nicotine!

Mmm!

So, what can I do for ya?

Um, we, er... We want to get married.

No, we don't. - Yes, we do.

We do. - We don't, because I'm...

We want to get married for your son's sake.

What do you mean? - She's worried that the family won't accept it.

Of course my family will accept it. My son and my first husband are gay,

but my... my gay son is from my straight husband.

I've got a daughter, too, but she doesn't like Patsy living in the house.

She's jealous. - She's not jealous, darling.

Do you know something? OK, counselling.

Sometimes I don't like you living in the house. - Oh, don't let's rake this up again.

Rake it up? That's what counselling is for, darling, so we don't live through the lie,

because since you've had the job and been wearing the trousers, so to speak, you're taking over.

I can't get a word in edgeways. You're drinking my drink, spending all my money...

You come back at me now. Tell me something you don't like about me.

All right, then. Sometimes you talk with your mouth full, but I don't care.

Mary me, Eddie!

Mmm-mmm-mmm.

It's... It's so sudden.

You know what? I think we've gone as far as we can go with counselling.

You come with me.

Give me five minutes. I'm a genius.

We'll meet you on the pier.

Can I get another hit? - Sure.

Oh, yeah! Yeah! Who's your mama?

Um... Cheers. Thanks a lot.

What are you doing?! Why haven't you moved?! Why are you just sitting there?!

Is she back? - No! She's not here. It's vey late.

♫ Happy talk, keep talking happy talk

♫ Talk about things you like to do

♫ You got to have a dream

♫ If you don't have a dream

♫ How you gonna have a dream come true? ♫

What happened then? - You clapped.

This is ridiculous! They'll think I'm a fantasist! You're all freaks!

You see, I'm not gay.

OK. OK...but there's a few things you'll have to come to terms with.

First, everybody is gay. - Oh, yeah, I know that.

From the mailman to the President, everybody's in denial.

You know. - Yes.

Don't be ashamed of who you are. - I'm not. No.

Learn to love the "V"- on-"V" thing.

It's cool. - "V"- on-"V" thing...

Tasty, too.

Come on, now. Come here. Look at me.

Love yourself. - No, I do. That's fine.

No, you've got to say it to yourself - "I love you."

I love you.

Put your hand down here... on the love box.

I love you. - I love...

No, I'm not too happy with... No!

All right. You like the girls? - Yeah.

Grab the girls. - OK. Grab the girls.

Pick the girls up. Rise them up! What do you say to them?

I lOVE you! - That's right.

I lOVE you! - Feeling good?

Yeah, good. - Stick that tongue out. "I love ya!"

I lOVE ya! - Grit your teeth now!

I love ya! - I love ya!

Ooh, girl, you ready! You ready, girl! - I'm ready.

Come on, girl. You ready.

There she is now. Remember, she's Mr Right.

We are gathered here today in wonderfulness...

Quick, Eddie. - ...in wonderfulness

to bring together this woman with this woman...

in the sight of...

What's your name? - Bill.

...in the sight of Bill to join this heart to this heart...

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no! Let's go.

Is that my office?

Just needed a bit of information... It was in the filing cabinet...

My son is gay! And it's Fashion Week!

Bless this union - and you'll go through with this or the deal's off...

Now, repeat after me. "I, Edina..."

I, Edina, take you, Patsy...

I, Patsy, take you, Ed... E...

Eddie...

"...to be my woman." - To be my woman.

Have you prepared vows? - No!

Do you want a hand-fastening? - No.

Do you want to sip from the common goblet?

Of course, that's extra. - Well, a sip...

No. - No.

Then, on with the exchange of rings.

I pronounce you married.

You may kiss the brides.

You pucker. - No, you pucker.

Come on, now. Somebody pucker up. - No!

She'll be there in a minute. - I can't, Ed. I...

I can't do that, Eddie.

Pucker, don't pucker - suit yourself. I will require a credit card.

American Express.

That better be Serge's address. Give it!

He'll be there in the morning.

Thank you vey much. - Cheers. Thanks a lot.

I wanted that! We're married!

Aren't you going to cary me over the porthole, sweetheart?

You know what? Third time lucky for me. - Don't be ridiculous!

I should've had a pre-nup. You're not getting my money.

Oh, stop this, Eddie. - What's the matter with you?

I just... - Go and change.

It's 'cause I've got this stuff... - What? What? Where?

It's all over. There's something down here that hurts so much.

Let me have a look. - Really, really hurts. Ah!

It's dropped down. You'll have to take your pants off.

It's all right. We're married!

Paper clip. - Cheers. Thanks a lot.

Listen, we are not married. It is not legal. - We are married. Darling!

Just keep it on till tomorrow. - Why?

Then I'll have been married to you longer than I've been married to anybody.

I've never even come back from honeymoon still married.

Still... got what I wanted.

Serge's address. Serge... Turtle.

Why's he called Turtle? The Strand - must be a club. He works at a club...

Oh, stop going on about this!

I've had a hell of a day, I've got work to do and I'm vey tired!

Good. Because, frankly, I've got a headache!

I just spoke to Mum. She thinks she's found Serge. I don't know how.

Oh, never mind, dear. - No, I wanted her to find him.

I hope he loves her. I hope she stays there. - Of course. We all want that.

I hope he's realises what he's put me through.

But, Saffy dear, what would you be without her?

What?

What is it? What is it, Eddie? - It's a bookshop!

It's not a club?! - No, it's a second-hand bookshop.

Oh, no! Well, let's not go in. - You gave me half an hour. We're going in.

I can't do this! I can't meet her toddy!

Look at what I'm wearing!

I have to go shopping. She can't arrive until I've gone shopping. Aah!

I have to work out. I'm so fat!

Fat! Fat! Fat! Fat! Fatty-Fatty-2K4!

Saffy, call her! Tell her she can't come today.

Saffy?

Run! Run! Run! Run!

Move! Move! Move! Move!

. II BV VOUR PRESENCE DEARII BV BLONDIE)

Ma'am, your bags.

I need lipo and pecs!

I need pecs!

I'm looking for my son.

Of course I'll recognise her.

My eyes! My eyes!

♫ Stay awake at night and count your RfMs

♫ When you're talking with your super friends... ♫

I will get pecs, even if I have to rip open my own chest

and push in chicken livers with my teeth!

Teeth! I need new teeth! I keep finding bits of enamel on the floor!

Eddie?

Pats?

Over here, Eddie. I'm stuck! - I'm down here, sweetheart.

Serge!

It's me, Mama.

Oh, my God! I didn't want to meet you like this.

Not here. - That's all right, darling.

Oh! I don't care where we are or what you are. You are my son.

Er... I'm not.

What? - I'm... I'm not Serge.

Serge Turtle?

No, I'm not your son, but...

I love you... and I don't even know you, so...

I'm Serge, I dm your son,

He's a book?

Serge. - Hello.

Darling, is that really you? Are you standing on something, sweetheart?

No.

You exist, then.

I was beginning to think you were just talking placenta. That's what Pats said.

Sorry. - Give your mum a hug, darling.

Sweetheart! Hello, darling.

Look at you. Oh, Daddy's face. Ooh.

Sweetheart... Do you know who this is? - This is Martin, my partner.

Your boyfriend? - Yes.

Yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

It's super to meet you. I knew this would work out.

May I say that in the flesh, you are... - Stop it.

You are bigger... I mean, larger...

I mean, a light. A vey big light. - Just leave it. Shut up.

I just adore what you're wearing!

I'll shut up now. You two, you know, cary on.

So... - You found me.

Yeah, it wasn't easy, you using that fake name, Turtle.

That is my name. It's Dad's name.

Oh.

Look, Saffy's right. I have been a coward. - Darling, I want us to forget that now.

Well, don't you want to know why I left? - It's the past! We can start over!

No, I left to be the person I am, not the son you want me to be.

I wanted you to be gay, darling!

Why do think I blasted my belly with Donna Summer for nine months?

I was tying to mould you in the womb. My hairdresser laid hands on you!

Honestly, you could have told me. You could have told Mama.

Think of the things we've missed, the times we could have had.

I'm in mourning now for the shopping trips, the sunbeds, the bitchin'...

This is why I left. You have one idea about what it is to be gay.

A gay man can be... boring.

Sweetheart, being gay is the best excuse you'll ever have for NOT being boring.

Time's up, Eddie.

Darling, where've you been? - I got my head wedged in the Erica Jongs.

This is Serge. Not that one, this one.

Serge, darling, do you remember old Patsy?

Serge.

Pat.

listen, we're taking in a few fashion shows...

In about half an hour. - I know.

So, darling... - Oh, just go.

No, you could come with us. - No, no, no.

My God. It's just the same! You think you can attach me like an accessory

and drag me around without ever listening to what I want to say.

I will, darling, but just not here. - We only have 30 minutes. I want to go with her.

OK, listen. - I will listen to you, darling,

but not with the books.

Don't you remember my book allergy? Itchy eyes!

Itchy eyes?!

You never could stand books. - Well, I like books with photos.

You hate books! - I hate these books, yes.

I hate these dusty old books, these books of... dead ideas.

"A graveyard of ideas", that's what you said.

"Tiny coffins full of putrefying concepts." - Yeah, well, I was jealous of the books...

I could take you hating everything eke about me, flaunting your breasts at my friends,

seducing them, chasing them away with your overbearing corpulence,

the way you smothered me with blubber...

the way you clutched me to your breast when you were lonely,

the way you let THAT revel in our misery,

but... my books.

Why did you burn all my books?

We were cold! Come on, Eddie. I'm going. This is important to me.

I know, darling. Hang on one sec.

Just come with us today. We'll do a couple of shows.

Give me a day to prove how much I love you, sweetheart.

Will you? Just give me a day, sweetheart. Say you'll do that. Come on, darling. Come on.

Say yes! Say yes! Come on! Say yes!

I'm stronger than you! This always worked when he was a boy.

Say yes. I'm not letting go. - Say yes! It's only a day! Say yes!

OK! Let go!

Oh! He said yes!

Saf? Darling? Saffy? We're in New York, darling. Can you hear me?

Guess who's next to me now, darling? Serge.

Come on, darling. - I'm coming.

Darling, say hello. - Hi, Saffy.

See, darling? I've got him!

Mum? Serge?

Where the hell have you been? - On my date. You sent me.

Did he touch you? - Only on the knee.

Oh, God! Did you kiss him? - We talked about it.

That's the same thing in God's eyes!

Get down! Get down! - See? This really is a movie.

We'll take it out of you.

I should write it down. You've got a script here.

Or a book, even. Are you listening, dear?

♫ If your memory serves you well

♫ We were going to meet again and wait... ♫

Darling, he's with me.

This way, sweetheart. Perhaps you could give my son a haircut. He's gay.

Can anyone tongue my son? He's gay.

♫ With another tale to tell

♫And you know that we shall meet again

- ♫ If your memory serves you well... ♫ - Keep up, darling. This is my son. He's gay.

No, he's with me.

♫ Rolling down the road

♫ Best notify my next of kin

- ♫ This wheel shall explode - I think it's water.

Oh, no. That's Patsy's bottle. Put the lid back on before it evaporates.

Nice to meet you.

Hello. We loved it. We loved it. This is my son. - Is he gay?

Put him in leather. Put him in leather.

- ♫ If your memory serves you well... ♫ - Debbie!

Your godson! Your godson!

My son is gay.

Hold that. I can do that, Eddie.

Eddie? Eddie, look at this, darling.

Whoa! Eddie, look. I'm up here, darling!

Rock 'n' roll!

Ow! Ow! Ed, something's burning!

Oh, my God! It's me! Eddie!

Darling, call Saffy!

Do something!

♫ Wheel's on fire

♫ Rolling down the road

♫ Best notify my next of kin

♫ This wheel shall explode... ♫

You're early. I didn't know if you'd be on this flight.

No, they let us out. The cops. No charge.

That's because I paid the fine.

It was a great trip, wasn't it? You got inspiration for Jeremy's.

I've got a fantastic new concept - just free airline sponge bags and a rail.

Gifts for the customers. I must get on to the team.

That's not your phone. That's your lighter.

Oh! It's a lighter! - Did you see that, darling?

Fantastic trip, Eddie.

Mum... - Oh, cheers, darling.

Patsy and I got married. - Well, we...

Yeah. Third time for me, isn't it, sweetheart? Gay man, straight man, woman.

That's fantastic. - Mum...

I'm sorry about Serge. - That's all right.

I just wanted to say...

I still love you.

Yeah, well, you don't need to now. My son loves me.

In fact, he's coming to live with us. - Serge?!

No, my son.

I now pronounce you mother and son.

Photo.

♫ This wheel shall explode ♫