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00:00:18,184 --> 00:00:20,520
"Simon and Kitty stood before
2
00:00:20,554 --> 00:00:23,890
"Pauline's crumbling
fieldstone marker.
3
00:00:23,923 --> 00:00:26,192
"Moments later,
in a nearby crypt,
4
00:00:26,226 --> 00:00:29,162
"Simon repeatedly
plunged into Kitty,
5
00:00:29,195 --> 00:00:31,365
"the sounds of their passion
6
00:00:31,398 --> 00:00:33,667
"mixing with the wet summer air
7
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and the cicadas' desperate,
deafening, doomed song."
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The end.
9
00:00:38,305 --> 00:00:40,674
I inspired the ending!
10
00:00:40,707 --> 00:00:42,108
You should put in the part
about pulling out
11
00:00:42,141 --> 00:00:43,343
so she doesn't have
a ghost baby.
12
00:00:43,377 --> 00:00:44,844
Just kidding.
13
00:00:44,878 --> 00:00:47,847
I think it's perfect.
I am so happy with it.
14
00:00:47,881 --> 00:00:50,016
I mean, a theme that
I hadn't planned on exploring
15
00:00:50,049 --> 00:00:52,352
was the fallacy
of the very concept
16
00:00:52,386 --> 00:00:54,954
of the familial paradigm in art.
17
00:00:54,988 --> 00:00:57,624
I mean, the idea
still persists
18
00:00:57,657 --> 00:00:59,359
that family, somehow,
19
00:00:59,393 --> 00:01:01,695
automatically
prescribes closeness.
20
00:01:01,728 --> 00:01:03,863
Family is portrayed as
21
00:01:03,897 --> 00:01:06,300
a safe harbor, but nay,
22
00:01:06,333 --> 00:01:10,637
it is often the very Charybdis
that yanks us to the fathoms.
23
00:01:10,670 --> 00:01:11,971
But not you, buddy.
Not me.
24
00:01:12,005 --> 00:01:15,542
I am post-family.
25
00:01:15,575 --> 00:01:19,479
You are looking, finally,
at a truly free man.
26
00:01:19,513 --> 00:01:21,147
Like Thoreau.
27
00:01:21,180 --> 00:01:22,649
Or the Unabomber.
28
00:01:22,682 --> 00:01:23,917
So...
29
00:01:23,950 --> 00:01:25,785
are we okay?
30
00:01:25,819 --> 00:01:27,454
Oh, my God, do we really
have to do thi...?
31
00:01:27,487 --> 00:01:29,456
Nope, nope, just checking.
32
00:01:33,192 --> 00:01:34,628
Did you hear about this murder
off Mulholland?
33
00:01:34,661 --> 00:01:35,795
What?
34
00:01:35,829 --> 00:01:36,996
Yeah, it was four days ago.
35
00:01:37,030 --> 00:01:38,298
They found this girl.
36
00:01:38,332 --> 00:01:40,900
And-- oh, that is gruesome!
37
00:01:40,934 --> 00:01:43,002
"Murder, She Tweeted"?
38
00:01:43,036 --> 00:01:44,438
How do I not follow
this account?
39
00:01:45,672 --> 00:01:47,907
Her head was chopped off.
40
00:01:47,941 --> 00:01:50,143
Her blood was drained?
41
00:01:50,176 --> 00:01:52,446
Bloody symbols on the rocks?
42
00:01:52,479 --> 00:01:54,013
Jimmy!
43
00:01:54,047 --> 00:01:55,482
This happened
right near our house.
44
00:01:55,515 --> 00:01:56,750
It could've been me!
45
00:01:56,783 --> 00:01:57,984
Can we go look?
46
00:01:58,017 --> 00:01:59,085
No way!
47
00:01:59,118 --> 00:02:00,987
It sounds very scary.
48
00:02:01,020 --> 00:02:02,756
Jimmy.
49
00:02:05,792 --> 00:02:07,627
Please?
50
00:02:07,661 --> 00:02:08,862
Please.
Oh.
51
00:02:08,895 --> 00:02:10,029
Please?
52
00:02:11,831 --> 00:02:12,799
Fine!
53
00:02:12,832 --> 00:02:15,435
You creepy, creepy murder girl.
54
00:02:15,469 --> 00:02:16,836
Yay!
55
00:02:16,870 --> 00:02:20,139
They say, when a murder scene
is fresh,
56
00:02:20,173 --> 00:02:23,810
you can still smell
the fear in the air.
57
00:02:23,843 --> 00:02:26,012
And afterwards, we can swing
by Echo Park and get paletas.
58
00:02:29,983 --> 00:02:31,985
*
59
00:02:34,854 --> 00:02:37,657
* I'm gonna leave you anyway
60
00:02:37,691 --> 00:02:40,360
* I'm gonna leave you
anyway *
61
00:02:40,394 --> 00:02:43,697
* Gonna leave you anyway.
62
00:02:48,167 --> 00:02:50,504
*
63
00:03:00,847 --> 00:03:03,917
Anyway, the show's called
Doug Loves Sketches,
64
00:03:03,950 --> 00:03:05,585
and it's a full-time gig.
65
00:03:05,619 --> 00:03:08,755
Like, this is what I'm
doing for a living now.
66
00:03:08,788 --> 00:03:10,490
I'm a comedy writer.
67
00:03:10,524 --> 00:03:12,759
Hey, can I get some salty
black sauce for this egg rice?
68
00:03:12,792 --> 00:03:14,828
Yeah.
Where's your food?
69
00:03:14,861 --> 00:03:16,563
Oh, I only have enough left
for Jimmy.
70
00:03:16,596 --> 00:03:19,666
Anyway, I'm super excited,
71
00:03:19,699 --> 00:03:22,502
but I'm also kind of nervous
to tell Dorothy.
72
00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:23,870
'Cause you're writing
for an Internet show
73
00:03:23,903 --> 00:03:25,171
and nobody cares about that?
74
00:03:25,204 --> 00:03:27,373
She's been really low lately
75
00:03:27,407 --> 00:03:29,909
and this might
hurt her feelings.
76
00:03:29,943 --> 00:03:31,344
So what?
77
00:03:31,377 --> 00:03:33,680
Brah, she's taking
that "D" on the reg;
78
00:03:33,713 --> 00:03:35,014
it's her job to support you.
79
00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:36,215
You got to speak up
80
00:03:36,249 --> 00:03:37,451
and tell people
what you want.
81
00:03:37,484 --> 00:03:39,953
You are the master
82
00:03:39,986 --> 00:03:41,688
of your own destiny.
83
00:03:41,721 --> 00:03:43,189
Don't be a martyr.
84
00:03:43,222 --> 00:03:44,458
I was a martyr.
85
00:03:44,491 --> 00:03:45,959
I almost martyred my husband,
86
00:03:45,992 --> 00:03:47,093
but I didn't.
87
00:03:47,126 --> 00:03:48,762
You're right, Lindsay.
88
00:03:48,795 --> 00:03:50,964
I should put myself first.
89
00:03:50,997 --> 00:03:52,298
So,
90
00:03:52,331 --> 00:03:54,468
can I have some
of your breakfast sushi?
91
00:03:54,501 --> 00:03:57,103
Sorry, I licked it all already.
92
00:04:06,412 --> 00:04:08,648
This is gonna be so rad.
93
00:04:08,682 --> 00:04:09,949
Maybe they marked
where the body is
94
00:04:09,983 --> 00:04:11,150
and I can lie down in it
95
00:04:11,184 --> 00:04:12,619
and experience her terror.
96
00:04:17,323 --> 00:04:18,892
Oh!
97
00:04:18,925 --> 00:04:20,494
Oh, my God,
It's so ugly.
98
00:04:20,527 --> 00:04:22,762
It looks like the fox
in the Nine Inch Nails video
99
00:04:22,796 --> 00:04:24,297
that's being eaten by ants.
100
00:04:24,330 --> 00:04:26,466
It looks like it should be
screaming at an old lady
101
00:04:26,500 --> 00:04:28,568
in an Aphex Twin video.
102
00:04:28,602 --> 00:04:30,269
Why is its face so swollen?
103
00:04:30,303 --> 00:04:32,906
Did Becca give birth
directly over a beehive?
104
00:04:32,939 --> 00:04:34,808
Even at an illegal baby mill,
they'd be like,
105
00:04:34,841 --> 00:04:36,309
"Yeah, that's okay.
We're good."
106
00:04:36,342 --> 00:04:38,177
Aw.
107
00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:41,948
Aah!
Aah!
108
00:04:41,981 --> 00:04:43,149
Oh, shitsticks!
109
00:04:43,182 --> 00:04:45,318
Jimmy, Five-O!
110
00:04:45,351 --> 00:04:46,620
Good spotting, Goose.
111
00:04:48,387 --> 00:04:49,656
*
112
00:05:02,502 --> 00:05:04,370
Hup!
113
00:05:06,372 --> 00:05:08,608
Yeah?
17 seconds. New record.
114
00:05:08,642 --> 00:05:10,376
Okay.
115
00:05:27,326 --> 00:05:28,662
Okay.
116
00:05:28,695 --> 00:05:30,029
Page one-- preliminary
settlement offer.
117
00:05:31,698 --> 00:05:34,000
You're supposed to write it
on a piece of paper
118
00:05:34,033 --> 00:05:35,702
and slide it over.
119
00:05:35,735 --> 00:05:36,970
Watch.
120
00:05:37,003 --> 00:05:40,674
Here's my initial offer.
121
00:05:47,781 --> 00:05:50,149
This is just a drawing of a cat.
122
00:05:50,183 --> 00:05:51,651
It's just a starting point.
123
00:05:51,685 --> 00:05:54,153
It's called a negotiation.
124
00:05:54,187 --> 00:05:56,055
Now, you go.
125
00:05:56,089 --> 00:06:00,159
My initial spousal
support offer is $2,000.
126
00:06:00,193 --> 00:06:01,761
Accepted!
127
00:06:01,795 --> 00:06:04,230
$2,000 a month, Lindsay.
128
00:06:04,263 --> 00:06:07,100
I know, that's so much money.
129
00:06:07,133 --> 00:06:08,668
I accept.
130
00:06:08,702 --> 00:06:11,537
Negotiations are over.
131
00:06:11,571 --> 00:06:13,907
You know, you have to pay
for your own apartment.
132
00:06:13,940 --> 00:06:16,509
Great. How much are apartments,
like two hundo?
133
00:06:16,542 --> 00:06:17,777
So, that's good.
134
00:06:17,811 --> 00:06:19,345
No, Lindsay.
135
00:06:19,378 --> 00:06:20,780
It's bad.
136
00:06:20,814 --> 00:06:22,716
It's really, really bad.
137
00:06:26,252 --> 00:06:28,154
I'm cucking you now.
138
00:06:29,555 --> 00:06:31,190
I'm the hot wife.
139
00:06:31,224 --> 00:06:33,526
I do not like
this piece of paper.
140
00:06:33,559 --> 00:06:36,630
I'm finally getting what I want,
141
00:06:36,663 --> 00:06:38,865
and what I want
142
00:06:38,898 --> 00:06:40,233
is to watch you burn.
143
00:06:40,266 --> 00:06:41,801
Oh, yes.
144
00:06:41,835 --> 00:06:43,469
Burn!
145
00:06:54,513 --> 00:06:55,649
Okay.
146
00:06:55,682 --> 00:06:59,018
Page two--
401K distributions.
147
00:07:00,486 --> 00:07:01,788
Uh, hi.
148
00:07:01,821 --> 00:07:03,056
Uh, Edgar Quintero.
149
00:07:03,089 --> 00:07:04,958
I have a meeting with Doug.
Oh, sure.
150
00:07:04,991 --> 00:07:06,793
Have a seat, Mr. Benson
will be right with you.
151
00:07:06,826 --> 00:07:08,895
Oh, uh, hey.
152
00:07:08,928 --> 00:07:10,630
What happened
to the other assistant?
153
00:07:10,664 --> 00:07:12,465
She died.
154
00:07:12,498 --> 00:07:14,901
Mugging in broad daylight.
155
00:07:14,934 --> 00:07:17,103
Fortunately, the guy she mugged
is gonna be fine.
156
00:07:17,136 --> 00:07:20,073
It's a joke.
157
00:07:20,106 --> 00:07:22,475
It was stomach cancer.
She went quick.
158
00:07:24,110 --> 00:07:26,479
Hey, can I ask you a question?
159
00:07:26,512 --> 00:07:27,613
Do you like your job?
160
00:07:27,647 --> 00:07:29,282
It's pretty great.
161
00:07:29,315 --> 00:07:31,450
It really suits my lifestyle.
162
00:07:31,484 --> 00:07:34,587
I just sit around all day,
answer some calls.
163
00:07:34,620 --> 00:07:36,422
You're supposed to throw away
your personal food
164
00:07:36,455 --> 00:07:38,658
at the end of the week,
but a lot of people don't.
165
00:07:38,692 --> 00:07:40,794
Gwen might be done
with that açaí bowl,
166
00:07:40,827 --> 00:07:42,295
but Dutch isn't.
167
00:07:44,163 --> 00:07:48,167
Well, would you ever give up
your job for a relationship?
168
00:07:48,201 --> 00:07:50,103
Whoa, uh...
169
00:07:50,136 --> 00:07:52,872
Well, that is completely
out of the blue.
170
00:07:52,906 --> 00:07:54,373
Edgar.
171
00:07:54,407 --> 00:07:55,608
Come on in.
172
00:07:55,641 --> 00:07:56,609
Thanks.
173
00:07:56,642 --> 00:07:58,211
What's up?
174
00:07:58,244 --> 00:08:00,646
Uh, listen, Doug.
175
00:08:03,750 --> 00:08:05,018
I can't do the show.
176
00:08:05,051 --> 00:08:06,720
My girlfriend...
177
00:08:06,753 --> 00:08:08,354
Sloppy-blowjob Dorothy?
178
00:08:08,387 --> 00:08:10,724
W-What?
Um...
179
00:08:10,757 --> 00:08:12,726
A-Anyway, she's...
180
00:08:12,759 --> 00:08:14,527
she's been going through
a really tough time,
181
00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:18,331
and I feel like
my having this opportunity
182
00:08:18,364 --> 00:08:19,966
is making her feel worse.
183
00:08:19,999 --> 00:08:22,702
I see.
Well, I'll be sad to see you go.
184
00:08:22,736 --> 00:08:24,804
Dutch, can you get me UTA?
185
00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:26,639
I need some lower level
writer résumés.
186
00:08:26,672 --> 00:08:28,641
I don't know,
maybe I'm making a mistake.
187
00:08:28,674 --> 00:08:31,010
I'm supposed to be supporting
her, but really, by quitting,
188
00:08:31,044 --> 00:08:32,545
I'm not standing up
for my needs,
189
00:08:32,578 --> 00:08:34,647
which is ultimately bad
for our relationship.
190
00:08:34,680 --> 00:08:36,816
So, maybe I shouldn't quit.
191
00:08:36,850 --> 00:08:38,184
Oh, cool!
192
00:08:38,217 --> 00:08:41,187
So, you just came into my office
to not quit.
193
00:08:41,220 --> 00:08:43,656
That's a pretty
good use of my time.
194
00:08:43,689 --> 00:08:45,658
So now I get to go
to your house with a sandwich
195
00:08:45,691 --> 00:08:47,994
and be like,
"I don't want this sandwich."
196
00:08:48,027 --> 00:08:51,064
But then say, "I want this
sandwich," and then explain why?
197
00:08:51,097 --> 00:08:53,399
So, I get to do that now?
Sure.
198
00:08:53,432 --> 00:08:54,834
That's actually
a really great bit.
199
00:08:54,868 --> 00:08:57,737
Get a camera,
shoot it over the weekend.
200
00:08:57,771 --> 00:08:59,172
I'll get Andy Richter
to play the sandwich
201
00:08:59,205 --> 00:09:00,406
and I'll see you on Monday.
202
00:09:00,439 --> 00:09:02,441
All right.
203
00:09:02,475 --> 00:09:05,945
Cool.
204
00:09:09,382 --> 00:09:10,716
All right, man.
205
00:09:10,750 --> 00:09:13,019
I just e-mailed Doug
my letter of resignation.
206
00:09:13,052 --> 00:09:14,087
What?
207
00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:15,188
I'm willing to try this
208
00:09:15,221 --> 00:09:16,355
with you, dude.
209
00:09:16,389 --> 00:09:18,291
I really don't think
I'm gay,
210
00:09:18,324 --> 00:09:20,293
but is my life so perfect
211
00:09:20,326 --> 00:09:22,128
that I can afford
to be closed off?
212
00:09:22,161 --> 00:09:23,462
And when you think about it,
213
00:09:23,496 --> 00:09:24,630
homosexuality really
214
00:09:24,663 --> 00:09:25,799
suits my lifestyle--
215
00:09:25,832 --> 00:09:27,466
sitting around,
216
00:09:27,500 --> 00:09:29,969
chugging cold ones,
playing vids...
217
00:09:30,003 --> 00:09:31,370
What? No.
Assume you got to suck a dick
218
00:09:31,404 --> 00:09:32,806
once in a while, but whatever.
219
00:09:32,839 --> 00:09:34,473
I've put weirder things
in my mouth.
220
00:09:34,507 --> 00:09:36,475
I-I-I was talking about me
221
00:09:36,509 --> 00:09:37,811
and my girlfriend.
222
00:09:37,844 --> 00:09:39,245
What?
223
00:09:39,278 --> 00:09:41,147
Oh, no!
224
00:09:41,180 --> 00:09:43,783
I just told Doug Benson I quit
225
00:09:43,817 --> 00:09:46,052
and to kiss my gay ass!
226
00:09:46,085 --> 00:09:48,421
He's been nothing
but nice to me!
227
00:09:48,454 --> 00:09:50,489
Why do I keep doing this?
228
00:09:52,425 --> 00:09:53,626
Hey-hey, Doug.
229
00:09:53,659 --> 00:09:54,994
What the hell
is going on?
230
00:09:55,028 --> 00:09:57,063
It was-- I'm not gay.
Are you kidding?
231
00:09:57,096 --> 00:09:59,698
I mean, I might be gay, but
I'm not... I don't think I am.
232
00:10:04,804 --> 00:10:06,906
I can't get
an Uber to pick me up.
233
00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:09,075
I think my rating's too low.
What's yours?
234
00:10:09,108 --> 00:10:11,144
Oh, bad.
Apparently, they don't like it
235
00:10:11,177 --> 00:10:12,411
when you call multiple companies
236
00:10:12,445 --> 00:10:14,247
and make them race
to pick you up.
237
00:10:16,850 --> 00:10:18,451
Becca's gonna be
the worst mom.
238
00:10:18,484 --> 00:10:19,752
You can tell just by looking
239
00:10:19,785 --> 00:10:21,654
at a kid, if they have
good or bad parents.
240
00:10:21,687 --> 00:10:23,789
Well, how?
241
00:10:23,823 --> 00:10:25,458
Okay.
242
00:10:25,491 --> 00:10:27,126
See that kid--
black dress socks,
243
00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:28,761
stained shirt?
244
00:10:28,794 --> 00:10:30,796
His parents don't give a shit.
245
00:10:30,830 --> 00:10:32,498
Now, that one
246
00:10:32,531 --> 00:10:35,835
with the perfect fade, pressed
shirt, he's totally hot.
247
00:10:35,869 --> 00:10:38,004
His parents care a shit ton.
248
00:10:38,037 --> 00:10:41,107
When I'm a mom, my kid is
gonna look fly as hell
249
00:10:41,140 --> 00:10:42,808
'cause I'm gonna care
the shit out of that kid.
250
00:10:42,842 --> 00:10:44,810
That kid's not that hot.
251
00:10:44,844 --> 00:10:46,545
Now, that kid,
252
00:10:46,579 --> 00:10:49,015
he's tanned a perfect bronze,
253
00:10:49,048 --> 00:10:50,683
his bod is banging.
254
00:10:50,716 --> 00:10:52,318
He doesn't even have a six-pack.
255
00:10:52,351 --> 00:10:54,320
Check out midriff.
256
00:10:54,353 --> 00:10:56,155
Oh! That ass!
257
00:10:56,189 --> 00:10:57,857
Like it was carved
258
00:10:57,891 --> 00:10:59,825
out of marble.
I think you two
should leave.
259
00:10:59,859 --> 00:11:01,294
- How dare you?!
- Who even becomes
260
00:11:01,327 --> 00:11:02,862
a third-grade
teacher anyhow?
This has nothing
261
00:11:02,896 --> 00:11:04,663
to do with you.
"Oh, I'm not
nurturing enough to be a
262
00:11:04,697 --> 00:11:06,465
"kindergarten teacher,
This is between us
and the urchins.
263
00:11:06,499 --> 00:11:08,234
"but I can't quite
master compound sentences.
Why don't you just
264
00:11:08,267 --> 00:11:09,969
go back to your job,
you old cow?
Where do I belong?"
265
00:11:11,237 --> 00:11:12,638
Hey,
266
00:11:12,671 --> 00:11:13,873
my therapist is
at Edendale.
267
00:11:13,907 --> 00:11:14,974
Want to come watch me
yell at her?
268
00:11:15,008 --> 00:11:17,643
You mean, instead of going
to the murder place?
269
00:11:17,676 --> 00:11:19,478
Oh, hell no. On the way.
270
00:11:19,512 --> 00:11:21,647
I just need you to see
how awesome I've gotten
271
00:11:21,680 --> 00:11:22,681
at heckling her.
272
00:11:22,715 --> 00:11:24,317
I found out
she has diabetes--
273
00:11:24,350 --> 00:11:25,651
really opened things up,
274
00:11:25,684 --> 00:11:27,353
high-ass sugar-having bitch.
275
00:11:27,386 --> 00:11:29,355
Huh, then we'll stop by the
house and pick up the car.
276
00:11:30,356 --> 00:11:31,991
Can you at least
277
00:11:32,025 --> 00:11:34,860
give me some money up-front
to get started?
278
00:11:34,894 --> 00:11:36,329
Please.
279
00:11:51,310 --> 00:11:54,780
Did you just actually open up
a bank app and deposit it
280
00:11:54,813 --> 00:11:57,283
or did you just
take a photo of it?
281
00:11:57,316 --> 00:11:58,617
What are you talking about?
282
00:11:58,651 --> 00:12:02,288
Did you observe people
using e-check deposit
283
00:12:02,321 --> 00:12:03,756
and now, as a result,
284
00:12:03,789 --> 00:12:05,524
think you can just
take a photo
285
00:12:05,558 --> 00:12:07,793
and it magically goes
into your bank account?
286
00:12:07,826 --> 00:12:11,130
Oh, my God.
287
00:12:11,164 --> 00:12:14,133
This is so freeing.
288
00:12:15,268 --> 00:12:18,071
I can finally say it.
289
00:12:18,104 --> 00:12:21,440
You are so stupid!
290
00:12:21,474 --> 00:12:22,608
Why does no one
talk about
291
00:12:22,641 --> 00:12:24,277
how dumb she is?
292
00:12:24,310 --> 00:12:25,711
She's like the
dumbest person
293
00:12:25,744 --> 00:12:27,646
on the planet!
294
00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:29,782
50 years ago,
she would be
295
00:12:29,815 --> 00:12:32,551
sterilized for the
good of evolution.
I'm not so
296
00:12:32,585 --> 00:12:35,054
stupid that I couldn't get you
to let me bone another guy
297
00:12:35,088 --> 00:12:36,422
in front of you
and make you think
298
00:12:36,455 --> 00:12:37,723
it was for our marriage.
299
00:12:37,756 --> 00:12:40,226
Get out!
300
00:12:40,259 --> 00:12:41,260
Out!
301
00:12:48,634 --> 00:12:50,569
Uh, excuse you.
302
00:12:50,603 --> 00:12:52,171
Ooh...
303
00:12:52,205 --> 00:12:55,074
Look who's here!
304
00:12:55,108 --> 00:12:56,909
Remember?
305
00:12:56,942 --> 00:12:58,677
That talking baby movie?
306
00:12:58,711 --> 00:12:59,945
Look Who's Here?
307
00:12:59,979 --> 00:13:01,747
Well, I'll tell you who's here.
308
00:13:01,780 --> 00:13:03,916
Tallulah.
Ooh, ooh.
309
00:13:03,949 --> 00:13:06,319
It's me, you turkeys.
310
00:13:10,123 --> 00:13:12,291
I'm ready, Vernon.
311
00:13:12,325 --> 00:13:14,760
I'm ready to start
a new life in Méjico
312
00:13:14,793 --> 00:13:16,762
and find a woman
who really loves me.
313
00:13:16,795 --> 00:13:17,863
What?
314
00:13:17,896 --> 00:13:20,099
Oh. Nah,
315
00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:21,500
I hadn't met the baby
when I said that.
316
00:13:21,534 --> 00:13:24,637
I love her so
goddamn much, nerd.
317
00:13:24,670 --> 00:13:26,472
Plus, I can't leave
her with Bec.
318
00:13:26,505 --> 00:13:28,974
She will JonBenét her fo' sho',
319
00:13:29,008 --> 00:13:31,677
or leave her on a bench at
the Marina del Rey Rosé Fest
320
00:13:31,710 --> 00:13:33,312
or some shit.
321
00:13:33,346 --> 00:13:35,514
You're really giving up
those big naturals?
322
00:13:37,883 --> 00:13:38,851
Huh.
323
00:13:43,356 --> 00:13:44,857
Tallulah.
324
00:13:44,890 --> 00:13:46,359
Uh, sorry, Paul.
325
00:13:46,392 --> 00:13:47,993
You're not part of
this family anymore.
326
00:13:48,027 --> 00:13:51,297
You know,
when I was in high school,
327
00:13:51,330 --> 00:13:53,399
you wouldn't have
existed to me.
328
00:13:53,432 --> 00:13:56,369
Now, we can just return to
that natural state of things.
329
00:13:58,003 --> 00:13:59,672
Hi.
330
00:14:04,777 --> 00:14:05,744
Vernon?
331
00:14:05,778 --> 00:14:07,713
Just go.
332
00:14:07,746 --> 00:14:08,714
Get out of here, nerd.
333
00:14:08,747 --> 00:14:09,815
But...
334
00:14:09,848 --> 00:14:11,417
Go on.
335
00:14:11,450 --> 00:14:12,451
Get!
Ah...
336
00:14:29,602 --> 00:14:31,036
Gretchen!
Ha!
337
00:14:31,070 --> 00:14:32,105
Found you again, dummy,
338
00:14:32,138 --> 00:14:34,840
just followed the trail
of insulin needles.
339
00:14:36,142 --> 00:14:38,877
I pictured her so much taller
and more muscular.
340
00:14:38,911 --> 00:14:40,079
You told them about me?
341
00:14:40,113 --> 00:14:41,447
You're not allowed
to talk about me.
342
00:14:41,480 --> 00:14:43,749
I'm so glad you came.
343
00:14:43,782 --> 00:14:46,119
I Foursquared it,
just hoping you'd see.
344
00:14:46,152 --> 00:14:47,520
Oh, hey, hey.
345
00:14:47,553 --> 00:14:49,455
Do-- do that thing
where you call me names.
346
00:14:49,488 --> 00:14:50,923
Ooh, yes, yes, yes.
347
00:14:50,956 --> 00:14:52,858
Like...
348
00:14:52,891 --> 00:14:54,026
titty-sucking bitch?
349
00:14:56,229 --> 00:14:58,897
Oh, I am going to
miss that, Gretchen.
350
00:14:58,931 --> 00:15:00,399
Actually, I'm--
351
00:15:00,433 --> 00:15:01,900
I'm leaving town.
352
00:15:01,934 --> 00:15:04,637
My boyfriend got into
the dramaturgy program
353
00:15:04,670 --> 00:15:06,539
at the University of Iowa.
354
00:15:06,572 --> 00:15:08,974
So, I feel like I need
to support him in that.
355
00:15:09,007 --> 00:15:10,576
He doesn't even have a car.
356
00:15:10,609 --> 00:15:11,910
He uses Justina's
357
00:15:11,944 --> 00:15:13,812
credit card when he
buys her presents.
358
00:15:13,846 --> 00:15:15,881
Okay, shut up, you
guys. He's on a path.
359
00:15:15,914 --> 00:15:17,716
You're choosing your boyfriend
over your career?
360
00:15:17,750 --> 00:15:20,119
Oh, that's a terrible example
for women.
361
00:15:20,153 --> 00:15:21,820
And diabetics!
362
00:15:22,921 --> 00:15:24,423
She's amazing.
363
00:15:24,457 --> 00:15:25,424
Can I have her?
364
00:15:25,458 --> 00:15:27,092
No! Look, we can still
365
00:15:27,126 --> 00:15:28,461
do Skype sessions, right?
366
00:15:28,494 --> 00:15:31,564
Iowa has got the
Internet, I think.
367
00:15:31,597 --> 00:15:32,998
Okay.
368
00:15:35,334 --> 00:15:37,970
I'm gonna show you
my titties, though,
369
00:15:38,003 --> 00:15:39,338
and then you're gonna
try to suck on them
370
00:15:39,372 --> 00:15:40,973
through the screen.
371
00:15:41,006 --> 00:15:42,575
Oh, my God.
372
00:15:42,608 --> 00:15:44,977
When you first came to me,
you were out of touch,
373
00:15:45,010 --> 00:15:48,447
even with your most rudimentary
behavioral patterns,
374
00:15:48,481 --> 00:15:50,115
but you have done the work
375
00:15:50,149 --> 00:15:51,784
and you have grown so much.
376
00:15:51,817 --> 00:15:53,952
And I'm proud of you.
377
00:15:56,689 --> 00:15:57,790
Bitch.
378
00:15:57,823 --> 00:15:59,758
Bitch to you, too, Gretchen.
379
00:16:02,961 --> 00:16:04,630
Mm-mm.
380
00:16:11,670 --> 00:16:12,671
*
381
00:16:21,547 --> 00:16:23,148
Hey!
382
00:16:23,182 --> 00:16:25,818
So, Doug Benson offered me
a full-time staff job
383
00:16:25,851 --> 00:16:27,152
and I wasn't gonna take it
384
00:16:27,186 --> 00:16:28,454
because I didn't
want you to feel bad,
385
00:16:28,487 --> 00:16:31,156
but instead,
I decided to keep it,
386
00:16:31,190 --> 00:16:32,358
because I'm becoming
a real person,
387
00:16:32,391 --> 00:16:33,626
which in turn,
388
00:16:33,659 --> 00:16:34,993
will make me a
better partner for you.
389
00:16:35,027 --> 00:16:35,994
Isn't that great?
390
00:16:36,028 --> 00:16:37,863
Uh, slow down.
391
00:16:37,896 --> 00:16:40,065
He offered you a staff job
and you were gonna
392
00:16:40,098 --> 00:16:41,800
turn it down because of me?
But
393
00:16:41,834 --> 00:16:43,636
I didn't. And now,
394
00:16:43,669 --> 00:16:46,272
I can support you
while things are tough.
395
00:16:48,274 --> 00:16:50,142
What?
396
00:16:50,175 --> 00:16:51,577
I'm not gonna make it.
397
00:16:51,610 --> 00:16:53,712
What?
398
00:16:53,746 --> 00:16:55,881
Why would you say that?
Because I'm not, Edgar.
399
00:16:55,914 --> 00:16:58,217
I'm not, okay? Face it.
400
00:16:58,251 --> 00:17:00,253
And the mere fact that you were
even thinking of turning down
401
00:17:00,286 --> 00:17:01,320
this amazing gig
402
00:17:01,354 --> 00:17:02,255
because you feel
sorry for me
403
00:17:02,288 --> 00:17:03,822
means you don't love me.
404
00:17:03,856 --> 00:17:05,758
You pity me.
That's not love.
405
00:17:05,791 --> 00:17:07,526
I don't want that.
406
00:17:09,194 --> 00:17:11,464
I'm moving back to
Jacksonville, Edgar.
407
00:17:12,565 --> 00:17:14,333
N-No. What?
408
00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:15,534
No, uh, then-then--
409
00:17:15,568 --> 00:17:17,436
then I'll come with you.
410
00:17:17,470 --> 00:17:19,338
I-I love Texas--
411
00:17:19,372 --> 00:17:21,607
the barbecues,
rodeos, South By.
412
00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:23,409
No, Florida.
413
00:17:23,442 --> 00:17:24,577
Oh, God.
414
00:17:24,610 --> 00:17:26,745
Oh, no. That's way worse.
415
00:17:26,779 --> 00:17:31,284
Look, I don't want you
to martyr yourself for me.
416
00:17:31,317 --> 00:17:34,186
I want you to stay here
and have your dream.
417
00:17:34,219 --> 00:17:35,421
But what about your dream?
418
00:17:37,456 --> 00:17:40,393
Not everybody gets their dream.
419
00:17:42,495 --> 00:17:44,062
Hey, if you know anybody
420
00:17:44,096 --> 00:17:46,499
who wants to take over my lease,
will you let me know?
421
00:17:48,434 --> 00:17:50,803
Thank you
422
00:17:50,836 --> 00:17:52,471
for being a wonderful boyfriend.
423
00:17:52,505 --> 00:17:53,906
I'm sorry.
424
00:17:55,173 --> 00:17:57,142
I failed.
425
00:17:57,175 --> 00:17:59,678
*
426
00:18:10,989 --> 00:18:12,124
- You've had enough?
- Who's hungry?
427
00:18:12,157 --> 00:18:13,959
You've had enough?
Who's hungry?
428
00:18:13,992 --> 00:18:14,993
No?
Who's hungry?
429
00:18:15,027 --> 00:18:15,994
Not hungry?
430
00:18:16,028 --> 00:18:18,464
So, um...
431
00:18:18,497 --> 00:18:20,566
is that formula only for babies,
432
00:18:20,599 --> 00:18:22,968
or can hungry big boys
get in on it, too?
433
00:18:24,269 --> 00:18:25,237
Ew.
434
00:18:25,270 --> 00:18:26,271
Don't you listen to him.
435
00:18:26,305 --> 00:18:28,240
Can I talk to you for a minute?
436
00:18:28,273 --> 00:18:30,476
Yeah.
437
00:18:30,509 --> 00:18:32,645
You got her?
438
00:18:32,678 --> 00:18:33,646
I got her.
Careful, careful.
439
00:18:33,679 --> 00:18:34,647
Hi, Tallulah.
440
00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:36,649
Who wants the blues?
No, no.
441
00:18:36,682 --> 00:18:39,251
No one wants that.
442
00:18:39,284 --> 00:18:41,086
* Weird poop in my diaper
443
00:18:41,119 --> 00:18:43,088
Just change her,
for God's sakes.
444
00:18:43,121 --> 00:18:45,758
* Spit-up on my chin.
445
00:18:45,791 --> 00:18:47,626
Can I live at your house again?
446
00:18:47,660 --> 00:18:50,095
You mean, until a week from now
when you change your mind
447
00:18:50,128 --> 00:18:53,466
and decide to move back in
with SpongeNerd SquareFace?
448
00:18:53,499 --> 00:18:55,968
It's over for real this time.
449
00:18:56,001 --> 00:18:57,436
He called me stupid.
450
00:18:57,470 --> 00:18:58,771
Can you believe that?
451
00:18:58,804 --> 00:19:00,673
What? No!
452
00:19:00,706 --> 00:19:03,476
You? What?
453
00:19:03,509 --> 00:19:06,178
I know.
Well, I just don't know
454
00:19:06,211 --> 00:19:08,614
if we have the ability
to house another baby,
455
00:19:08,647 --> 00:19:10,816
you know, even if it
is being raised
456
00:19:10,849 --> 00:19:13,686
by a financially
disadvantaged single mother.
457
00:19:13,719 --> 00:19:15,954
There's no baby.
458
00:19:15,988 --> 00:19:17,523
It'll just be me.
459
00:19:19,892 --> 00:19:23,362
Well, you would have to be
Tallulah's full-time nanny.
460
00:19:23,396 --> 00:19:26,632
Josefina quit because Vernon
kept shooting Nerf darts at her
461
00:19:26,665 --> 00:19:28,867
- while she vacuums.
- Yes! My kid just
462
00:19:28,901 --> 00:19:31,069
dropped a major duke!
Don't worry, Beck,
463
00:19:31,103 --> 00:19:32,871
I got this.
I have to admit,
464
00:19:32,905 --> 00:19:35,874
part of me is jealous.
465
00:19:35,908 --> 00:19:38,243
It's gonna be at least 18 years
466
00:19:38,276 --> 00:19:41,480
before I can divorce Vernon,
467
00:19:41,514 --> 00:19:43,382
cut my hair off,
468
00:19:43,416 --> 00:19:46,151
get a golden retriever,
469
00:19:46,184 --> 00:19:48,987
wear chunky knits,
470
00:19:49,021 --> 00:19:51,657
and just redo my kitchen.
471
00:19:51,690 --> 00:19:54,693
Over and over, forever.
472
00:19:54,727 --> 00:19:58,030
If I were you,
I would revel in my freedom.
473
00:19:58,063 --> 00:20:00,098
- Yeah.
- Babe,
474
00:20:00,132 --> 00:20:02,334
can I get a little help up here?
Freedom.
475
00:20:02,367 --> 00:20:05,438
Babe, baby, babe, help me!
Babe, help me!
476
00:20:12,210 --> 00:20:15,180
You know, so I realized
I can't live with Becca.
477
00:20:15,213 --> 00:20:17,049
I need freedom.
478
00:20:17,082 --> 00:20:19,718
Hey, are you
sure she's gone?
479
00:20:22,555 --> 00:20:24,790
I'm sorry.
480
00:20:24,823 --> 00:20:27,092
I liked that rando.
481
00:20:27,125 --> 00:20:29,094
I know.
482
00:20:29,127 --> 00:20:31,797
This is so weird.
483
00:20:31,830 --> 00:20:35,033
I'm still not even sure
what exactly happened.
484
00:20:35,067 --> 00:20:38,771
I never understand anything
that happens to me.
485
00:20:39,672 --> 00:20:41,206
Are you okay?
486
00:20:41,239 --> 00:20:43,642
I think, once she said it,
487
00:20:43,676 --> 00:20:45,410
part of me wanted her to go.
488
00:20:45,444 --> 00:20:48,246
She was kind of
bumming me out.
489
00:20:50,182 --> 00:20:52,117
How horrible is that of me?
490
00:20:52,150 --> 00:20:54,453
I mean, it's not
supposed to work like that.
491
00:20:54,487 --> 00:20:55,888
Right?
492
00:20:55,921 --> 00:20:57,289
And then it does.
493
00:20:57,322 --> 00:20:59,391
Are you gonna be okay here?
494
00:20:59,424 --> 00:21:01,126
Even though I'm alone and broke
495
00:21:01,159 --> 00:21:03,929
and live in the poorest
apartment in the world...
496
00:21:05,097 --> 00:21:07,099
...I feel good.
Good!
497
00:21:07,132 --> 00:21:10,603
I'll be by in the morning
to help you...
498
00:21:10,636 --> 00:21:12,437
spruce this place up.
Thanks, Edgar.
499
00:21:12,471 --> 00:21:14,139
I'll buy you a pizza...
500
00:21:14,172 --> 00:21:16,174
Hmm!
Oh, wait. I just remembered
501
00:21:16,208 --> 00:21:18,911
I don't have any money.
Can you bring me a pizza?
502
00:21:18,944 --> 00:21:20,145
No.
503
00:21:20,178 --> 00:21:22,147
Good boy.
504
00:21:58,016 --> 00:21:59,652
Jimmy!
505
00:21:59,685 --> 00:22:03,288
Jimmy!
506
00:22:03,321 --> 00:22:04,957
Oh, my God,
507
00:22:04,990 --> 00:22:07,726
it's so scary!
508
00:22:07,760 --> 00:22:09,394
Jimmy!
509
00:22:09,427 --> 00:22:11,296
What does it mean?
510
00:22:11,329 --> 00:22:14,533
Jimmy...
511
00:22:14,567 --> 00:22:17,035
I want to touch it.
Can I touch it?
512
00:22:17,069 --> 00:22:20,038
Oh, Jimmy, I'm gonna touch it.
513
00:22:23,709 --> 00:22:25,010
Jimmy!
514
00:22:25,043 --> 00:22:26,511
Jimmy!
515
00:22:26,545 --> 00:22:27,846
What are you doing?
516
00:22:27,880 --> 00:22:30,983
The world is absolutely lousy
517
00:22:31,016 --> 00:22:32,651
with people,
518
00:22:32,685 --> 00:22:35,854
and I hate them all.
519
00:22:35,888 --> 00:22:37,856
I hate everyone...
520
00:22:37,890 --> 00:22:39,491
but you.
521
00:22:39,524 --> 00:22:41,660
Yeah. I hate everyone else, too.
522
00:22:41,694 --> 00:22:43,662
Now, let's look for clues.
523
00:22:43,696 --> 00:22:45,598
You did something
really horrible for us.
524
00:22:45,631 --> 00:22:48,701
You went to therapy,
and for me you did this.
525
00:22:48,734 --> 00:22:53,205
And thus, you deserve
as grand a gesture in return.
526
00:22:53,238 --> 00:22:57,743
And since I am 100%
psychologically sound
527
00:22:57,776 --> 00:23:01,146
and do not need therapy
of any kind...
528
00:23:05,383 --> 00:23:06,952
Gretchen,
529
00:23:06,985 --> 00:23:10,923
extraordinary,
confounding Gretchen,
530
00:23:10,956 --> 00:23:14,292
she who emits more energy than
531
00:23:14,326 --> 00:23:16,962
a dying galaxy,
despite not washing her legs,
532
00:23:16,995 --> 00:23:19,431
together we transcend
533
00:23:19,464 --> 00:23:23,535
the... mundanity down there.
534
00:23:23,568 --> 00:23:27,372
Separate, it shall eventually
consume us and turn us
535
00:23:27,405 --> 00:23:30,809
as mundane as them,
and to allow that to happen
536
00:23:30,843 --> 00:23:33,879
simply because we were scared
537
00:23:33,912 --> 00:23:36,548
would be a criminal act.
538
00:23:36,581 --> 00:23:37,750
Wait, but the murder...?
539
00:23:37,783 --> 00:23:39,584
I made it up.
540
00:23:40,653 --> 00:23:43,321
The article?
The Twitter account?
541
00:23:43,355 --> 00:23:44,757
Me.
542
00:23:44,790 --> 00:23:46,424
The DUI checkpoint?
543
00:23:46,458 --> 00:23:49,227
Oh, no. That was real. No,
we were way lucky on that one.
544
00:23:56,368 --> 00:23:57,836
Jimmy,
545
00:23:57,870 --> 00:24:00,973
yeah, n... Wait.
546
00:24:01,006 --> 00:24:04,076
You haven't actually asked yet.
I am not doing that again.
547
00:24:04,109 --> 00:24:06,344
Will you marry me?
548
00:24:06,378 --> 00:24:08,513
Yes!
549
00:24:14,887 --> 00:24:18,623
You made a murder for me!
550
00:24:25,664 --> 00:24:27,099
Hey, uh, you ever
551
00:24:27,132 --> 00:24:29,601
boned down during
the Hollywood Bowl fireworks?
552
00:24:29,634 --> 00:24:30,969
I mean, of course.
553
00:24:31,003 --> 00:24:33,505
Yeah, me, too, but not
as an engaged person.
554
00:24:33,538 --> 00:24:34,973
Oh...
555
00:24:35,007 --> 00:24:38,010
I'll get us a hoodie
from the car to lie on.
556
00:24:38,043 --> 00:24:39,712
Hurry back.
557
00:24:39,745 --> 00:24:42,014
This fits, you know?
558
00:24:42,047 --> 00:24:44,482
You lost your dad, but...
559
00:24:44,516 --> 00:24:45,984
you gained me.
560
00:24:46,018 --> 00:24:48,453
We're a family.
561
00:24:48,486 --> 00:24:50,823
That's pretty cool, right?
562
00:24:50,856 --> 00:24:53,125
We're no longer just
563
00:24:53,158 --> 00:24:54,626
whatever we were.
564
00:24:54,659 --> 00:24:57,662
We're no longer... just us.
565
00:24:57,696 --> 00:24:59,998
We're a family now.
566
00:25:00,032 --> 00:25:03,201
*
567
00:25:07,072 --> 00:25:12,010
* If you go down to Heaven
568
00:25:13,245 --> 00:25:15,547
* You'll never come back
569
00:25:15,580 --> 00:25:17,249
Whoo!
570
00:25:19,718 --> 00:25:23,688
* In my opinion
571
00:25:23,722 --> 00:25:27,492
* You're
572
00:25:27,525 --> 00:25:30,462
* On the wrong track *
573
00:25:33,631 --> 00:25:36,101
* We'll always love you
574
00:25:36,134 --> 00:25:38,670
* But
575
00:25:38,703 --> 00:25:41,506
* That's not the point
576
00:25:46,945 --> 00:25:49,481
* Ooh...
577
00:25:53,819 --> 00:25:56,721
* Ooh
578
00:26:00,826 --> 00:26:04,162
* Throwing yourself away
579
00:26:05,998 --> 00:26:09,001
* Not even trying
580
00:26:14,272 --> 00:26:17,475
* Come on
* Come on *
581
00:26:17,509 --> 00:26:20,412
* You're
582
00:26:20,445 --> 00:26:24,049
* Lying
583
00:26:24,082 --> 00:26:27,685
* To me.
584
00:26:46,171 --> 00:26:49,174
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