Original subtitles

"Simon and Kitty stood before

"Pauline's crumbling fieldstone marker.

"Moments later, in a nearby crypt,

"Simon repeatedly plunged into Kitty,

"the sounds of their passion

"mixing with the wet summer air

and the cicadas' desperate, deafening, doomed song."

The end.

I inspired the ending!

You should put in the part about pulling out

so she doesn't have a ghost baby.

Just kidding.

I think it's perfect. I am so happy with it.

I mean, a theme that I hadn't planned on exploring

was the fallacy of the very concept

of the familial paradigm in art.

I mean, the idea still persists

that family, somehow,

automatically prescribes closeness.

Family is portrayed as

a safe harbor, but nay,

it is often the very Charybdis that yanks us to the fathoms.

But not you, buddy. Not me.

I am post-family.

You are looking, finally, at a truly free man.

Like Thoreau.

Or the Unabomber.

So...

are we okay?

Oh, my God, do we really have to do thi...?

Nope, nope, just checking.

Did you hear about this murder off Mulholland?

What?

Yeah, it was four days ago.

They found this girl.

And-- oh, that is gruesome!

"Murder, She Tweeted"?

How do I not follow this account?

Her head was chopped off.

Her blood was drained?

Bloody symbols on the rocks?

Jimmy!

This happened right near our house.

It could've been me!

Can we go look?

No way!

It sounds very scary.

Jimmy.

Please?

Please. Oh.

Please?

Fine!

You creepy, creepy murder girl.

Yay!

They say, when a murder scene is fresh,

you can still smell the fear in the air.

And afterwards, we can swing by Echo Park and get paletas.

*

* I'm gonna leave you anyway

* I'm gonna leave you anyway *

* Gonna leave you anyway.

*

Anyway, the show's called Doug Loves Sketches,

and it's a full-time gig.

Like, this is what I'm doing for a living now.

I'm a comedy writer.

Hey, can I get some salty black sauce for this egg rice?

Yeah. Where's your food?

Oh, I only have enough left for Jimmy.

Anyway, I'm super excited,

but I'm also kind of nervous to tell Dorothy.

'Cause you're writing for an Internet show

and nobody cares about that?

She's been really low lately

and this might hurt her feelings.

So what?

Brah, she's taking that "D" on the reg;

it's her job to support you.

You got to speak up

and tell people what you want.

You are the master

of your own destiny.

Don't be a martyr.

I was a martyr.

I almost martyred my husband,

but I didn't.

You're right, Lindsay.

I should put myself first.

So,

can I have some of your breakfast sushi?

Sorry, I licked it all already.

This is gonna be so rad.

Maybe they marked where the body is

and I can lie down in it

and experience her terror.

Oh!

Oh, my God, It's so ugly.

It looks like the fox in the Nine Inch Nails video

that's being eaten by ants.

It looks like it should be screaming at an old lady

in an Aphex Twin video.

Why is its face so swollen?

Did Becca give birth directly over a beehive?

Even at an illegal baby mill, they'd be like,

"Yeah, that's okay. We're good."

Aw.

Aah! Aah!

Oh, shitsticks!

Jimmy, Five-O!

Good spotting, Goose.

*

Hup!

Yeah? 17 seconds. New record.

Okay.

Okay.

Page one-- preliminary settlement offer.

You're supposed to write it on a piece of paper

and slide it over.

Watch.

Here's my initial offer.

This is just a drawing of a cat.

It's just a starting point.

It's called a negotiation.

Now, you go.

My initial spousal support offer is $2,000.

Accepted!

$2,000 a month, Lindsay.

I know, that's so much money.

I accept.

Negotiations are over.

You know, you have to pay for your own apartment.

Great. How much are apartments, like two hundo?

So, that's good.

No, Lindsay.

It's bad.

It's really, really bad.

I'm cucking you now.

I'm the hot wife.

I do not like this piece of paper.

I'm finally getting what I want,

and what I want

is to watch you burn.

Oh, yes.

Burn!

Okay.

Page two-- 401K distributions.

Uh, hi.

Uh, Edgar Quintero.

I have a meeting with Doug. Oh, sure.

Have a seat, Mr. Benson will be right with you.

Oh, uh, hey.

What happened to the other assistant?

She died.

Mugging in broad daylight.

Fortunately, the guy she mugged is gonna be fine.

It's a joke.

It was stomach cancer. She went quick.

Hey, can I ask you a question?

Do you like your job?

It's pretty great.

It really suits my lifestyle.

I just sit around all day, answer some calls.

You're supposed to throw away your personal food

at the end of the week, but a lot of people don't.

Gwen might be done with that açaí bowl,

but Dutch isn't.

Well, would you ever give up your job for a relationship?

Whoa, uh...

Well, that is completely out of the blue.

Edgar.

Come on in.

Thanks.

What's up?

Uh, listen, Doug.

I can't do the show.

My girlfriend...

Sloppy-blowjob Dorothy?

W-What? Um...

A-Anyway, she's...

she's been going through a really tough time,

and I feel like my having this opportunity

is making her feel worse.

I see. Well, I'll be sad to see you go.

Dutch, can you get me UTA?

I need some lower level writer résumés.

I don't know, maybe I'm making a mistake.

I'm supposed to be supporting her, but really, by quitting,

I'm not standing up for my needs,

which is ultimately bad for our relationship.

So, maybe I shouldn't quit.

Oh, cool!

So, you just came into my office to not quit.

That's a pretty good use of my time.

So now I get to go to your house with a sandwich

and be like, "I don't want this sandwich."

But then say, "I want this sandwich," and then explain why?

So, I get to do that now? Sure.

That's actually a really great bit.

Get a camera, shoot it over the weekend.

I'll get Andy Richter to play the sandwich

and I'll see you on Monday.

All right.

Cool.

All right, man.

I just e-mailed Doug my letter of resignation.

What?

I'm willing to try this

with you, dude.

I really don't think I'm gay,

but is my life so perfect

that I can afford to be closed off?

And when you think about it,

homosexuality really

suits my lifestyle--

sitting around,

chugging cold ones, playing vids...

What? No. Assume you got to suck a dick

once in a while, but whatever.

I've put weirder things in my mouth.

I-I-I was talking about me

and my girlfriend.

What?

Oh, no!

I just told Doug Benson I quit

and to kiss my gay ass!

He's been nothing but nice to me!

Why do I keep doing this?

Hey-hey, Doug.

What the hell is going on?

It was-- I'm not gay. Are you kidding?

I mean, I might be gay, but I'm not... I don't think I am.

I can't get an Uber to pick me up.

I think my rating's too low. What's yours?

Oh, bad. Apparently, they don't like it

when you call multiple companies

and make them race to pick you up.

Becca's gonna be the worst mom.

You can tell just by looking

at a kid, if they have good or bad parents.

Well, how?

Okay.

See that kid-- black dress socks,

stained shirt?

His parents don't give a shit.

Now, that one

with the perfect fade, pressed shirt, he's totally hot.

His parents care a shit ton.

When I'm a mom, my kid is gonna look fly as hell

'cause I'm gonna care the shit out of that kid.

That kid's not that hot.

Now, that kid,

he's tanned a perfect bronze,

his bod is banging.

He doesn't even have a six-pack.

Check out midriff.

Oh! That ass!

Like it was carved

out of marble. I think you two should leave.

- How dare you?! - Who even becomes

a third-grade teacher anyhow? This has nothing

to do with you. "Oh, I'm not nurturing enough to be a

"kindergarten teacher, This is between us and the urchins.

"but I can't quite master compound sentences. Why don't you just

go back to your job, you old cow? Where do I belong?"

Hey,

my therapist is at Edendale.

Want to come watch me yell at her?

You mean, instead of going to the murder place?

Oh, hell no. On the way.

I just need you to see how awesome I've gotten

at heckling her.

I found out she has diabetes--

really opened things up,

high-ass sugar-having bitch.

Huh, then we'll stop by the house and pick up the car.

Can you at least

give me some money up-front to get started?

Please.

Did you just actually open up a bank app and deposit it

or did you just take a photo of it?

What are you talking about?

Did you observe people using e-check deposit

and now, as a result,

think you can just take a photo

and it magically goes into your bank account?

Oh, my God.

This is so freeing.

I can finally say it.

You are so stupid!

Why does no one talk about

how dumb she is?

She's like the dumbest person

on the planet!

50 years ago, she would be

sterilized for the good of evolution. I'm not so

stupid that I couldn't get you to let me bone another guy

in front of you and make you think

it was for our marriage.

Get out!

Out!

Uh, excuse you.

Ooh...

Look who's here!

Remember?

That talking baby movie?

Look Who's Here?

Well, I'll tell you who's here.

Tallulah. Ooh, ooh.

It's me, you turkeys.

I'm ready, Vernon.

I'm ready to start a new life in Méjico

and find a woman who really loves me.

What?

Oh. Nah,

I hadn't met the baby when I said that.

I love her so goddamn much, nerd.

Plus, I can't leave her with Bec.

She will JonBenét her fo' sho',

or leave her on a bench at the Marina del Rey Rosé Fest

or some shit.

You're really giving up those big naturals?

Huh.

Tallulah.

Uh, sorry, Paul.

You're not part of this family anymore.

You know, when I was in high school,

you wouldn't have existed to me.

Now, we can just return to that natural state of things.

Hi.

Vernon?

Just go.

Get out of here, nerd.

But...

Go on.

Get! Ah...

Gretchen! Ha!

Found you again, dummy,

just followed the trail of insulin needles.

I pictured her so much taller and more muscular.

You told them about me?

You're not allowed to talk about me.

I'm so glad you came.

I Foursquared it, just hoping you'd see.

Oh, hey, hey.

Do-- do that thing where you call me names.

Ooh, yes, yes, yes.

Like...

titty-sucking bitch?

Oh, I am going to miss that, Gretchen.

Actually, I'm--

I'm leaving town.

My boyfriend got into the dramaturgy program

at the University of Iowa.

So, I feel like I need to support him in that.

He doesn't even have a car.

He uses Justina's

credit card when he buys her presents.

Okay, shut up, you guys. He's on a path.

You're choosing your boyfriend over your career?

Oh, that's a terrible example for women.

And diabetics!

She's amazing.

Can I have her?

No! Look, we can still

do Skype sessions, right?

Iowa has got the Internet, I think.

Okay.

I'm gonna show you my titties, though,

and then you're gonna try to suck on them

through the screen.

Oh, my God.

When you first came to me, you were out of touch,

even with your most rudimentary behavioral patterns,

but you have done the work

and you have grown so much.

And I'm proud of you.

Bitch.

Bitch to you, too, Gretchen.

Mm-mm.

*

Hey!

So, Doug Benson offered me a full-time staff job

and I wasn't gonna take it

because I didn't want you to feel bad,

but instead, I decided to keep it,

because I'm becoming a real person,

which in turn,

will make me a better partner for you.

Isn't that great?

Uh, slow down.

He offered you a staff job and you were gonna

turn it down because of me? But

I didn't. And now,

I can support you while things are tough.

What?

I'm not gonna make it.

What?

Why would you say that? Because I'm not, Edgar.

I'm not, okay? Face it.

And the mere fact that you were even thinking of turning down

this amazing gig

because you feel sorry for me

means you don't love me.

You pity me. That's not love.

I don't want that.

I'm moving back to Jacksonville, Edgar.

N-No. What?

No, uh, then-then--

then I'll come with you.

I-I love Texas--

the barbecues, rodeos, South By.

No, Florida.

Oh, God.

Oh, no. That's way worse.

Look, I don't want you to martyr yourself for me.

I want you to stay here and have your dream.

But what about your dream?

Not everybody gets their dream.

Hey, if you know anybody

who wants to take over my lease, will you let me know?

Thank you

for being a wonderful boyfriend.

I'm sorry.

I failed.

*

- You've had enough? - Who's hungry?

You've had enough? Who's hungry?

No? Who's hungry?

Not hungry?

So, um...

is that formula only for babies,

or can hungry big boys get in on it, too?

Ew.

Don't you listen to him.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Yeah.

You got her?

I got her. Careful, careful.

Hi, Tallulah.

Who wants the blues? No, no.

No one wants that.

* Weird poop in my diaper

Just change her, for God's sakes.

* Spit-up on my chin.

Can I live at your house again?

You mean, until a week from now when you change your mind

and decide to move back in with SpongeNerd SquareFace?

It's over for real this time.

He called me stupid.

Can you believe that?

What? No!

You? What?

I know. Well, I just don't know

if we have the ability to house another baby,

you know, even if it is being raised

by a financially disadvantaged single mother.

There's no baby.

It'll just be me.

Well, you would have to be Tallulah's full-time nanny.

Josefina quit because Vernon kept shooting Nerf darts at her

- while she vacuums. - Yes! My kid just

dropped a major duke! Don't worry, Beck,

I got this. I have to admit,

part of me is jealous.

It's gonna be at least 18 years

before I can divorce Vernon,

cut my hair off,

get a golden retriever,

wear chunky knits,

and just redo my kitchen.

Over and over, forever.

If I were you, I would revel in my freedom.

- Yeah. - Babe,

can I get a little help up here? Freedom.

Babe, baby, babe, help me! Babe, help me!

You know, so I realized I can't live with Becca.

I need freedom.

Hey, are you sure she's gone?

I'm sorry.

I liked that rando.

I know.

This is so weird.

I'm still not even sure what exactly happened.

I never understand anything that happens to me.

Are you okay?

I think, once she said it,

part of me wanted her to go.

She was kind of bumming me out.

How horrible is that of me?

I mean, it's not supposed to work like that.

Right?

And then it does.

Are you gonna be okay here?

Even though I'm alone and broke

and live in the poorest apartment in the world...

...I feel good. Good!

I'll be by in the morning to help you...

spruce this place up. Thanks, Edgar.

I'll buy you a pizza...

Hmm! Oh, wait. I just remembered

I don't have any money. Can you bring me a pizza?

No.

Good boy.

Jimmy!

Jimmy!

Oh, my God,

it's so scary!

Jimmy!

What does it mean?

Jimmy...

I want to touch it. Can I touch it?

Oh, Jimmy, I'm gonna touch it.

Jimmy!

Jimmy!

What are you doing?

The world is absolutely lousy

with people,

and I hate them all.

I hate everyone...

but you.

Yeah. I hate everyone else, too.

Now, let's look for clues.

You did something really horrible for us.

You went to therapy, and for me you did this.

And thus, you deserve as grand a gesture in return.

And since I am 100% psychologically sound

and do not need therapy of any kind...

Gretchen,

extraordinary, confounding Gretchen,

she who emits more energy than

a dying galaxy, despite not washing her legs,

together we transcend

the... mundanity down there.

Separate, it shall eventually consume us and turn us

as mundane as them, and to allow that to happen

simply because we were scared

would be a criminal act.

Wait, but the murder...?

I made it up.

The article? The Twitter account?

Me.

The DUI checkpoint?

Oh, no. That was real. No, we were way lucky on that one.

Jimmy,

yeah, n... Wait.

You haven't actually asked yet. I am not doing that again.

Will you marry me?

Yes!

You made a murder for me!

Hey, uh, you ever

boned down during the Hollywood Bowl fireworks?

I mean, of course.

Yeah, me, too, but not as an engaged person.

Oh...

I'll get us a hoodie from the car to lie on.

Hurry back.

This fits, you know?

You lost your dad, but...

you gained me.

We're a family.

That's pretty cool, right?

We're no longer just

whatever we were.

We're no longer... just us.

We're a family now.

*

* If you go down to Heaven

* You'll never come back

Whoo!

* In my opinion

* You're

* On the wrong track *

* We'll always love you

* But

* That's not the point

* Ooh...

* Ooh

* Throwing yourself away

* Not even trying

* Come on * Come on *

* You're

* Lying

* To me.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH