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1
00:00:30,287 --> 00:00:32,957
Jimmy, if you're thinking
of getting into ski porn,
2
00:00:32,990 --> 00:00:35,526
it's a niche audience
and the work is seasonal.
3
00:00:35,559 --> 00:00:36,794
I have it all worked out,
Gretchen--
4
00:00:36,828 --> 00:00:38,596
what I saw from
my tree house last night:
5
00:00:38,630 --> 00:00:40,564
my father is no longer
6
00:00:40,598 --> 00:00:43,034
a force in my life,
thus, everything I am
7
00:00:43,067 --> 00:00:45,036
and have is suspect,
8
00:00:45,069 --> 00:00:47,471
acquired or decided,
as it all were, in the context
9
00:00:47,504 --> 00:00:51,108
of being "Ronny's son,"
which I am no longer, thus,
10
00:00:51,142 --> 00:00:52,476
reevaluation.
11
00:00:52,509 --> 00:00:54,578
It's all up for review.
12
00:00:54,612 --> 00:00:57,915
So, I'm making a pros and cons
list of everything in my life
13
00:00:57,949 --> 00:01:00,785
to work out whether I still
need it or not.
14
00:01:00,818 --> 00:01:03,154
Oh, boy.
It's the perfect
15
00:01:03,187 --> 00:01:06,157
post-emotional analytic tool
to determine the inherent,
16
00:01:06,190 --> 00:01:09,560
unsullied qualitative value
of anything.
17
00:01:09,593 --> 00:01:11,796
To whit. Stapler.
18
00:01:11,829 --> 00:01:14,331
petite, efficient, comely.
19
00:01:14,365 --> 00:01:17,134
Literally no place
for you in the digital world.
20
00:01:17,168 --> 00:01:18,602
Good-bye, old girl.
21
00:01:21,438 --> 00:01:23,574
Hmm... tough one.
22
00:01:23,607 --> 00:01:26,143
Strong tassels,
23
00:01:26,177 --> 00:01:27,578
I look fantastic in it.
24
00:01:27,611 --> 00:01:30,247
I saw Moby
wearing the same one
25
00:01:30,281 --> 00:01:31,582
on the cover of Yoga Life.
26
00:01:31,615 --> 00:01:33,217
And there's the answer.
27
00:01:34,518 --> 00:01:36,420
Right. My stuff...
28
00:01:36,453 --> 00:01:38,455
there's your stuff...
29
00:01:43,695 --> 00:01:44,461
Hmm?
30
00:02:04,816 --> 00:02:07,284
Oh! Fine! Jesus Christ!
31
00:02:07,318 --> 00:02:09,353
Fine, Jimmy.
Do your insane,
32
00:02:09,386 --> 00:02:12,289
idiotic thing
and get this over with.
33
00:02:12,323 --> 00:02:14,892
Gretchen pro-con list, go.
34
00:02:14,926 --> 00:02:18,495
Well, okay.
35
00:02:18,529 --> 00:02:20,364
You and your stupid tree house.
36
00:02:20,397 --> 00:02:22,399
I swear, I wish I'd never
mentioned Dead Poets Society
37
00:02:22,433 --> 00:02:24,401
in front of you.
You literally just did
38
00:02:24,435 --> 00:02:27,538
the standing on the desk
thing, but higher.
39
00:02:27,571 --> 00:02:29,173
The quicker we do this,
the quicker we can
40
00:02:29,206 --> 00:02:31,508
move on with our lives.
41
00:02:31,542 --> 00:02:35,079
I have stuff to do for Shitstain
and Jaclyn's elopement party.
42
00:02:35,112 --> 00:02:36,547
Bet your ass
he's not making a list.
43
00:02:37,681 --> 00:02:40,151
Okay, fine.
44
00:02:40,184 --> 00:02:43,888
Here are two things to
start off your pro list.
45
00:02:43,921 --> 00:02:46,958
Bam! Carpe those diems.
46
00:02:47,959 --> 00:02:49,761
Aw, man.
47
00:02:49,794 --> 00:02:51,395
I slept in gum again?
48
00:02:54,098 --> 00:02:55,366
Just know that, uh,
49
00:02:55,399 --> 00:02:56,768
this is gonna be
a waste of your time.
50
00:02:56,801 --> 00:02:58,069
The end result
is gonna be,
51
00:02:58,102 --> 00:02:59,203
"Damn, she's awesome.
52
00:02:59,236 --> 00:03:01,005
"That list was pointless.
53
00:03:01,038 --> 00:03:03,340
"Wasted all that paper and ink.
54
00:03:03,374 --> 00:03:05,943
Sorry trees. Sorry squids."
55
00:03:07,979 --> 00:03:10,915
Wait, is that
how you think we get ink?
56
00:03:10,948 --> 00:03:12,950
From squids?
57
00:03:14,118 --> 00:03:15,619
No.
58
00:03:16,921 --> 00:03:18,289
Aw, damn it!
59
00:03:20,657 --> 00:03:23,094
*
60
00:03:28,065 --> 00:03:30,868
* I'm gonna leave you anyway
61
00:03:30,902 --> 00:03:33,604
* I'm gonna leave you
anyway *
62
00:03:33,637 --> 00:03:36,941
* Gonna leave you anyway.
63
00:04:06,871 --> 00:04:08,873
Ooh. Ceviche?
64
00:04:16,881 --> 00:04:19,683
I don't get it.
A pros and cons list about you?
65
00:04:19,716 --> 00:04:20,985
What's on it?
66
00:04:21,018 --> 00:04:22,786
Oh, who cares?
We all have negative shit
67
00:04:22,820 --> 00:04:24,355
we think about everyone
in our lives.
68
00:04:24,388 --> 00:04:26,757
Yeah, but writing it
down makes it real.
69
00:04:26,790 --> 00:04:29,927
Like Web sites or
fortune cookies.
70
00:04:29,961 --> 00:04:32,529
So, how'd Paul react to the news
that you're leaving him?
71
00:04:32,563 --> 00:04:34,265
Ain't told him yet.
72
00:04:34,298 --> 00:04:37,501
First I got to set myself
up, get my own place.
73
00:04:37,534 --> 00:04:40,037
And it'll be so phat because
I'll be getting those sweet
74
00:04:40,071 --> 00:04:41,672
monthly checks
from the prenup.
75
00:04:41,705 --> 00:04:43,707
Wait, what?
You have a prenup?
76
00:04:43,740 --> 00:04:47,011
Yeah, Paul was like,
"Oh, honey, we don't need one."
77
00:04:47,044 --> 00:04:50,014
But uh-uh, I didn't
fall for that shit.
78
00:04:50,047 --> 00:04:52,649
So, like a boss,
I made him.
79
00:04:52,683 --> 00:04:54,485
Lindsay, you ding-dong.
80
00:04:54,518 --> 00:04:57,388
A prenup protects
the wealthier person, him,
81
00:04:57,421 --> 00:05:01,792
in a divorce from giving his
money to the poorer person, you.
82
00:05:01,825 --> 00:05:03,895
Are you goddamn
kidding me?
83
00:05:03,928 --> 00:05:06,163
And you let me
get an abortion?!
84
00:05:06,197 --> 00:05:08,532
I had a ticket
to 18 years of dough
85
00:05:08,565 --> 00:05:11,035
and you let me flush my ticket?
86
00:05:11,068 --> 00:05:14,071
Hey, just focus.
87
00:05:14,105 --> 00:05:17,308
Do the most important thing
first: tell Paul.
88
00:05:17,341 --> 00:05:19,510
Once you do that,
you can figure out your life.
89
00:05:19,543 --> 00:05:22,746
Now I have to get
a stupid job.
90
00:05:22,779 --> 00:05:24,381
Can I have a job?
91
00:05:24,415 --> 00:05:27,084
That's gonna be a hard no.
92
00:05:27,118 --> 00:05:29,120
*
93
00:05:32,890 --> 00:05:36,093
So, I got a bunch of ideas
about that restaurant concept.
94
00:05:36,127 --> 00:05:38,395
You know, savory cereal?
95
00:05:38,429 --> 00:05:41,065
Beefy Pebbles.
96
00:05:41,098 --> 00:05:43,700
We'll talk later.
97
00:05:43,734 --> 00:05:45,269
Ooh, excuse me?
Excuse me? Excuse me?
98
00:05:45,302 --> 00:05:47,171
Did-did you call him?
99
00:05:47,204 --> 00:05:49,573
Yes, I called him.
I can't believe he's late, man.
100
00:05:49,606 --> 00:05:52,676
I can. He's been the
worst best man ever.
101
00:05:52,709 --> 00:05:54,946
He lost the ring at the
Monterey Aquarium tide pool.
102
00:05:54,979 --> 00:05:56,413
Said a sea anemone
took it.
103
00:05:56,447 --> 00:05:58,182
Does that even sound
plausible to you?
104
00:05:58,215 --> 00:06:00,584
Do you know how slow
a sea anemone is?
105
00:06:00,617 --> 00:06:02,019
There he is.
106
00:06:02,053 --> 00:06:03,520
Where's the
navy suit?
107
00:06:03,554 --> 00:06:05,856
Oh, nah, blood, this is it.
108
00:06:05,889 --> 00:06:08,725
I just got the pants hemmed
and the jacket taken in.
109
00:06:08,759 --> 00:06:10,894
Then it still was
a total piece of shit,
110
00:06:10,928 --> 00:06:13,530
so I lit it on fire and bought
something dope instead.
111
00:06:13,564 --> 00:06:15,399
That's it!
112
00:06:15,432 --> 00:06:16,867
You're fired as best man.
113
00:06:16,900 --> 00:06:19,136
Nutz, you're giving
the toast tonight.
114
00:06:19,170 --> 00:06:20,737
Seriously?
115
00:06:20,771 --> 00:06:23,774
Okay, idiot, good luck
with this mush-mouth.
116
00:06:23,807 --> 00:06:25,476
Fool can't even leave
a simple voice mail.
117
00:06:25,509 --> 00:06:27,478
Always be like, "Uh...
118
00:06:27,511 --> 00:06:30,314
Call me back. Uh..." Click.
119
00:06:30,347 --> 00:06:32,984
Y-Yo, you know public speaking
is one of my greatest fears.
120
00:06:33,017 --> 00:06:34,485
It's public speaking,
heights and waking up
121
00:06:34,518 --> 00:06:35,953
with a scorpion
in my mouth.
122
00:06:35,987 --> 00:06:37,288
You'll be fine.
123
00:06:37,321 --> 00:06:38,822
We're professional
public speakers.
124
00:06:38,855 --> 00:06:40,257
That-that's different.
125
00:06:40,291 --> 00:06:42,493
Look, Honey Nutz is a persona.
126
00:06:42,526 --> 00:06:46,263
Uh, when I'm not rapping,
I'm just Zachary from Reseda,
127
00:06:46,297 --> 00:06:47,631
that likes hard cider
128
00:06:47,664 --> 00:06:50,001
and losing myself
in a graphic novel.
129
00:06:51,935 --> 00:06:53,470
I don't mean no
disrespect, by that.
130
00:06:53,504 --> 00:06:55,139
I don't, I don't.
I'm just saying...
131
00:06:56,140 --> 00:06:57,708
Oh!
132
00:07:00,144 --> 00:07:01,678
Nice look.
133
00:07:01,712 --> 00:07:04,181
Shouldn't you be trying
to shoot down Snoopy?
134
00:07:04,215 --> 00:07:07,084
I went a little crazy
with the purge.
135
00:07:07,118 --> 00:07:10,021
Got rid of all my outerwear
and my underwear.
136
00:07:10,054 --> 00:07:13,991
I'm currently wearing one
of Edgar's bathing suits.
137
00:07:14,025 --> 00:07:17,428
Jimmy, I've thought about
your pros and cons list,
138
00:07:17,461 --> 00:07:20,297
and I think it's only fair
that you show it to me.
139
00:07:20,331 --> 00:07:22,699
Gretchen, I'm undergoing
140
00:07:22,733 --> 00:07:26,503
a really painful process
of reevaluation.
141
00:07:26,537 --> 00:07:29,440
Now, if you could just
respect my privacy,
142
00:07:29,473 --> 00:07:31,675
I'd really
appreciate it.
143
00:07:31,708 --> 00:07:35,446
Fine, I hear you.
You have my word.
144
00:07:35,479 --> 00:07:36,880
Mm.
145
00:07:39,650 --> 00:07:40,617
Mm.
146
00:07:40,651 --> 00:07:42,319
Oh, yeah.
Ooh, a zipper!
147
00:07:42,353 --> 00:07:44,355
I can't get through that.
148
00:07:47,191 --> 00:07:48,959
Fine.
149
00:07:48,992 --> 00:07:51,695
I'm gonna go shake gifts, see
if anything sounds expensive.
150
00:07:54,165 --> 00:07:55,699
Jimmy.
151
00:07:55,732 --> 00:07:57,134
This is my wife, Jaclyn.
152
00:07:57,168 --> 00:07:58,135
Hi!
153
00:07:59,703 --> 00:08:02,005
What a dick.
Don't worry, he's an asshole.
154
00:08:02,039 --> 00:08:03,640
Priscilla!
155
00:08:03,674 --> 00:08:05,376
Oh, look at you!
156
00:08:05,409 --> 00:08:06,677
Oh. What do you think?
Amazing!
157
00:08:06,710 --> 00:08:07,911
Oh, thank you.
158
00:08:07,944 --> 00:08:09,546
Shitstain in the house!
159
00:08:09,580 --> 00:08:11,348
I love weddings.
160
00:08:11,382 --> 00:08:12,849
Friends coming together.
161
00:08:12,883 --> 00:08:14,518
Old couples falling
in love again.
162
00:08:14,551 --> 00:08:16,653
Plus, you can totally
steal a chair at a wedding.
163
00:08:16,687 --> 00:08:18,522
I've done it so many times.
164
00:08:18,555 --> 00:08:21,092
Most of my chairs
are wedding chairs.
165
00:08:21,125 --> 00:08:22,493
What's going on?
166
00:08:22,526 --> 00:08:24,428
Whoa. It's Doug Benson.
167
00:08:24,461 --> 00:08:27,998
He wants me to come up with
five sketch ideas by tomorrow.
168
00:08:28,031 --> 00:08:30,000
Well...
169
00:08:30,033 --> 00:08:32,269
I guess I better
start brainstorming.
170
00:08:32,303 --> 00:08:34,338
Wait, you're gonna work
at a wedding?
171
00:08:34,371 --> 00:08:35,739
I don't have a
choice, Dorothy.
172
00:08:35,772 --> 00:08:37,874
I mean, this is a
huge opportunity.
173
00:08:37,908 --> 00:08:39,910
I-I got to nail it.
174
00:08:39,943 --> 00:08:41,678
Okay, let's see.
175
00:08:41,712 --> 00:08:43,747
Weddings, weddings.
176
00:08:43,780 --> 00:08:46,883
Bride. Groom. Broom.
177
00:08:48,252 --> 00:08:51,922
Here comes... the broom?
178
00:08:54,658 --> 00:08:56,026
Wow.
179
00:08:56,059 --> 00:08:58,429
This might not take
long after all.
180
00:08:58,462 --> 00:09:01,432
Cool. So just go do
your very important work,
181
00:09:01,465 --> 00:09:05,269
and I'll just wander around
by myself, like a loser.
182
00:09:06,837 --> 00:09:08,472
Hey! Lindsay!
183
00:09:12,776 --> 00:09:14,211
He has a job.
184
00:09:14,245 --> 00:09:16,247
How'd he get that?
185
00:09:22,085 --> 00:09:24,988
All right,
I fired him to hire you.
186
00:09:25,021 --> 00:09:27,224
These aren't your
words you're writing.
187
00:09:27,258 --> 00:09:29,760
What is that?
188
00:09:34,765 --> 00:09:36,733
Hey. How'd you get that?
189
00:09:36,767 --> 00:09:37,968
What?
190
00:09:38,001 --> 00:09:41,405
I-I don't know what
you're talking about.
191
00:09:41,438 --> 00:09:43,674
Listen one more time.
192
00:09:43,707 --> 00:09:48,179
My client wants
100% ostrich feathers.
193
00:09:48,212 --> 00:09:51,315
I don't care. Just wait
until they stick their heads
194
00:09:51,348 --> 00:09:54,251
in the ground
and then slit their throats.
195
00:09:54,285 --> 00:09:55,986
Hey, how'd you get that?
196
00:09:56,019 --> 00:09:58,088
My job?
197
00:09:58,121 --> 00:10:00,324
Well, I started
a fashion blog.
198
00:10:00,357 --> 00:10:02,926
Then Tavi Gevinson
retweeted me.
199
00:10:02,959 --> 00:10:05,829
Then I dressed Parker Posey
for the Good Wife premiere.
200
00:10:05,862 --> 00:10:07,931
Before I knew it,
I was a stylist.
201
00:10:07,964 --> 00:10:10,167
I love your jacket,
by the way.
Thanks.
202
00:10:10,201 --> 00:10:12,503
My trick is I just buy
a cheap jacket,
203
00:10:12,536 --> 00:10:13,937
replace the buttons
with doper ones,
204
00:10:13,970 --> 00:10:15,772
and tell everyone
I got it in Italy.
205
00:10:15,806 --> 00:10:17,941
But not Little Italy.
The big Italy.
206
00:10:17,974 --> 00:10:20,711
That's brilliant.
207
00:10:20,744 --> 00:10:22,846
I really like your
pocket square, too.
208
00:10:22,879 --> 00:10:24,615
Thanks.
Those are my panties.
209
00:10:26,149 --> 00:10:27,984
I'm not joking.
210
00:10:33,724 --> 00:10:35,025
Hey. What's up with you?
211
00:10:35,058 --> 00:10:36,360
Hi, Gretchen.
212
00:10:36,393 --> 00:10:37,894
Got fired
as the best man.
213
00:10:37,928 --> 00:10:39,630
Not that I care.
214
00:10:39,663 --> 00:10:41,965
Group's turning into a
bunch of pussies anyway!
215
00:10:41,998 --> 00:10:43,867
Honey Nutz is getting
his knuckles waxed
216
00:10:43,900 --> 00:10:46,036
for his appearance
on Poker After Dark.
217
00:10:46,069 --> 00:10:48,038
Shitstain getting married
with no thought
218
00:10:48,071 --> 00:10:50,374
to how it will affect
our careers.
219
00:10:50,407 --> 00:10:53,143
I ain't trying to rap
about kids or poker!
220
00:10:53,176 --> 00:10:55,512
Ain't nothing rhyme
with "poker."
221
00:10:57,047 --> 00:10:59,082
So what are you gonna do?
222
00:10:59,115 --> 00:11:01,385
What can I do? He went and
changed his whole life,
223
00:11:01,418 --> 00:11:03,186
and I don't even
got a say in it.
224
00:11:03,220 --> 00:11:04,855
Hey, you guys
are a team.
225
00:11:04,888 --> 00:11:06,857
If you feel like you're
losing control of your future,
226
00:11:06,890 --> 00:11:08,325
just talk to him.
227
00:11:08,359 --> 00:11:11,362
Your actions
affect each other.
228
00:11:11,395 --> 00:11:13,564
Yeah.
229
00:11:13,597 --> 00:11:16,667
My actions do
affect each other.
230
00:11:16,700 --> 00:11:18,902
I don't like how you just
repeated that verbatim
231
00:11:18,935 --> 00:11:20,737
with a glint in your eye,
but, yeah,
232
00:11:20,771 --> 00:11:24,375
you got to take charge
of your... future.
233
00:11:24,408 --> 00:11:26,377
Now you have the
glint, too, bitch.
234
00:11:26,410 --> 00:11:28,912
Bitch, I ain't got
no glint!
235
00:11:28,945 --> 00:11:30,947
*
236
00:11:39,155 --> 00:11:41,358
Okay, how's this
for a sketch idea?
237
00:11:41,392 --> 00:11:43,460
A guy who takes
everything literally.
238
00:11:43,494 --> 00:11:46,096
That's kind of the first sketch
that everybody comes up with.
239
00:11:46,129 --> 00:11:47,464
That or 50-hour Energy.
240
00:11:47,498 --> 00:11:50,601
Oh, man.
That'd be so much energy.
241
00:11:53,136 --> 00:11:56,273
Hey, look.
It's Brian Posehn.
242
00:11:56,307 --> 00:11:59,209
That is
not Brian Posehn.
243
00:11:59,242 --> 00:12:01,278
I took tickets for Brian
Posehn's one-man show,
244
00:12:01,312 --> 00:12:02,579
like, a decade ago.
245
00:12:02,613 --> 00:12:04,881
I used to party with
all those comics.
246
00:12:04,915 --> 00:12:07,217
The one thing I know
is who is who in comedy,
247
00:12:07,250 --> 00:12:09,453
and I know that that
is not Brian Posehn.
248
00:12:11,522 --> 00:12:13,256
Oh. I guess it is him.
249
00:12:13,290 --> 00:12:14,391
Haircut.
250
00:12:14,425 --> 00:12:15,892
I should go talk to him.
251
00:12:15,926 --> 00:12:17,928
Maybe I could bounce
some ideas off him.
252
00:12:21,031 --> 00:12:23,400
Excuse me. Champagne?
253
00:12:23,434 --> 00:12:24,835
Oh.
254
00:12:28,839 --> 00:12:31,308
I'll leave it in the bathroom
later under the soap.
255
00:12:31,342 --> 00:12:33,076
Soap.
256
00:12:42,152 --> 00:12:44,154
Excuse me,
where's the restroom?
257
00:12:47,324 --> 00:12:48,925
Can I help you?
258
00:12:48,959 --> 00:12:51,127
Yeah, um, uh, my boyfriend
259
00:12:51,161 --> 00:12:53,930
left his heart attack
medication in his coat.
260
00:12:53,964 --> 00:12:55,999
Ugh.
261
00:12:57,334 --> 00:12:59,670
Yeah, do you have
a claim ticket?
262
00:12:59,703 --> 00:13:01,705
Uh, no, but...
263
00:13:01,738 --> 00:13:04,375
I got this.
264
00:13:04,408 --> 00:13:06,142
Ignore the bruise.
265
00:13:06,176 --> 00:13:09,145
Yeah, I just needed a ticket
to know which coat to get.
266
00:13:09,179 --> 00:13:12,749
Oh, uh, yeah. It's the
really ugly bomber jacket.
267
00:13:22,426 --> 00:13:24,561
Goddamn it.
268
00:13:26,397 --> 00:13:28,865
Okay.
269
00:13:31,001 --> 00:13:33,003
Hi.
270
00:13:38,108 --> 00:13:40,677
Fine. Two can play at that game.
271
00:13:40,711 --> 00:13:42,413
Yeah, whatever
you say, Gr...
272
00:13:42,446 --> 00:13:44,014
What? Hang on.
What are you doing?
273
00:13:44,047 --> 00:13:47,083
Um, I'm making a pros
and cons list about you.
274
00:13:47,117 --> 00:13:49,352
No. No. You
can't do that.
275
00:13:49,386 --> 00:13:51,154
Pros and cons list
is my thing.
276
00:13:51,187 --> 00:13:54,190
Oh, another con:
possessiveness of ideas.
277
00:13:55,859 --> 00:13:57,561
Right.
278
00:13:57,594 --> 00:13:58,862
Hey.
279
00:14:00,864 --> 00:14:02,899
Just to balance it out.
280
00:14:02,933 --> 00:14:04,935
*
281
00:14:15,646 --> 00:14:17,848
Hey. Congratulations.
282
00:14:17,881 --> 00:14:21,518
Thanks. Yeah, my parents thought
25 was young to get married,
283
00:14:21,552 --> 00:14:24,087
but when you know
you found the one...
284
00:14:24,120 --> 00:14:27,090
25? Wow, that's...
that's a good age.
285
00:14:27,123 --> 00:14:28,425
Mm.
286
00:14:28,459 --> 00:14:30,927
I tested for Ugly Betty
when I was 25.
287
00:14:30,961 --> 00:14:33,597
Who's Ugly Betty?
288
00:14:33,630 --> 00:14:35,432
I'm gonna go.
289
00:14:37,434 --> 00:14:40,003
Uh, that's actually
just for the bride...
290
00:14:42,405 --> 00:14:45,108
Oh. Listen.
291
00:14:45,141 --> 00:14:48,044
It's only fair I warn you what
you're getting into with us.
292
00:14:48,078 --> 00:14:50,413
Our lifestyle
is straight bananas.
293
00:14:50,447 --> 00:14:53,550
Touring, staying out late,
living off gum and Code Red.
294
00:14:53,584 --> 00:14:55,552
It can be rough
on bitches.
295
00:14:55,586 --> 00:14:56,620
Bitches?
296
00:14:56,653 --> 00:14:58,655
Oh.
On women.
297
00:14:58,689 --> 00:15:00,724
Yes, Sam, I know.
Don't worry.
298
00:15:00,757 --> 00:15:02,993
I am very pragmatic.
299
00:15:03,026 --> 00:15:05,962
You have to maintain a
certain image for the fans.
300
00:15:05,996 --> 00:15:07,297
Nothing will change.
301
00:15:07,330 --> 00:15:09,666
Okay, good.
302
00:15:09,700 --> 00:15:12,102
At least until
we have a baby.
303
00:15:12,135 --> 00:15:14,738
But we aren't planning
on starting a family
304
00:15:14,771 --> 00:15:16,473
until at least a year.
305
00:15:16,507 --> 00:15:18,308
A baby?
306
00:15:18,341 --> 00:15:20,811
A human-ass baby?
307
00:15:20,844 --> 00:15:23,079
Oh, man.
308
00:15:23,113 --> 00:15:25,649
Seems like just yesterday
we were skating on Fairfax,
309
00:15:25,682 --> 00:15:28,652
stealing leftovers from Orthodox
Jews coming out of Canter's.
310
00:15:28,685 --> 00:15:31,454
Now everything's
getting so serious.
311
00:15:31,488 --> 00:15:34,758
Sam, things change.
312
00:15:34,791 --> 00:15:38,461
I know it's scary,
but... you'll be okay.
313
00:15:39,530 --> 00:15:41,665
What the hell?!
What?
314
00:15:41,698 --> 00:15:44,167
Ugh! I can't believe
he just did that.
315
00:15:44,200 --> 00:15:46,136
Ugh. Dale! Dale!
316
00:15:46,169 --> 00:15:47,804
Shitstain!
317
00:15:47,838 --> 00:15:48,805
What happened?
318
00:15:48,839 --> 00:15:50,373
Sam tried to kiss me!
319
00:15:50,406 --> 00:15:52,042
What the hell
is wrong with you?!
320
00:15:52,075 --> 00:15:55,145
I'm sorry! I'm
just highly upset!
321
00:15:55,178 --> 00:15:57,147
This is all happening so fast.
322
00:15:57,180 --> 00:15:59,983
First, you settling down.
And as soon as someone agrees
323
00:16:00,016 --> 00:16:02,553
to go on a date with Zachary,
you know he gonna grab on tight
324
00:16:02,586 --> 00:16:03,987
and never let go.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
325
00:16:04,020 --> 00:16:05,488
Are you talking about
someone specific?
326
00:16:05,522 --> 00:16:07,123
Because if someone
has expressed interest,
327
00:16:07,157 --> 00:16:08,792
I'm available.
Look, if you're afraid
328
00:16:08,825 --> 00:16:11,528
that this is going to affect
our work, it's not.
329
00:16:11,562 --> 00:16:13,363
We signed
our million-year pledge.
330
00:16:13,396 --> 00:16:15,198
It ain't the work.
331
00:16:15,231 --> 00:16:18,068
I'm just...
332
00:16:18,101 --> 00:16:21,972
I'm just afraid I'm
losing my best friends.
333
00:16:22,005 --> 00:16:26,910
Sam, you're never going
to lose me as a friend.
334
00:16:26,943 --> 00:16:31,047
Look, why don't you and Zachary
give the speech together.
335
00:16:31,081 --> 00:16:33,249
Both of you
are my best men.
336
00:16:33,283 --> 00:16:35,051
Always will be.
337
00:16:35,085 --> 00:16:36,987
All right, man.
338
00:16:37,020 --> 00:16:39,089
Let's go work
on that speech.
339
00:16:39,122 --> 00:16:40,924
I go first, obviously.
340
00:16:43,193 --> 00:16:45,562
You know you can't be friends
with him anymore, right?
341
00:16:45,596 --> 00:16:47,230
Yeah, yeah, I know.
342
00:16:47,263 --> 00:16:48,732
Hey.
343
00:16:48,765 --> 00:16:52,235
Okay, so far, I have "takes
up too much room in bed,"
344
00:16:52,268 --> 00:16:54,237
"eats pizza with a fork."
345
00:16:54,270 --> 00:16:55,606
So you're making a list
346
00:16:55,639 --> 00:16:57,207
of dumb little negative things
about him?
347
00:16:57,240 --> 00:16:59,242
Yeah.
348
00:17:02,545 --> 00:17:04,514
Is this the dude
that wore the bomber jacket?
349
00:17:04,547 --> 00:17:05,749
That feels like one.
350
00:17:05,782 --> 00:17:08,284
Yes. Thank you.
351
00:17:10,954 --> 00:17:12,923
Hey. Alex said
you were gonna put the coke
352
00:17:12,956 --> 00:17:14,524
in the bathroom, man.
It's not there.
353
00:17:14,557 --> 00:17:17,427
What? I left it
under the soap.
354
00:17:17,460 --> 00:17:19,195
Dude, I bet you
Alex took it.
355
00:17:19,229 --> 00:17:21,031
Look, I'm not sure I
want to get involved
356
00:17:21,064 --> 00:17:24,234
in this cereal restaurant
thing if we can't trust him.
357
00:17:27,938 --> 00:17:29,873
So, the guy's, like...
358
00:17:29,906 --> 00:17:32,075
"The boss is up my butt,"
359
00:17:32,108 --> 00:17:34,811
and our hero-- taking
everything literally, right?--
360
00:17:34,845 --> 00:17:36,780
puts his mouth
to the guy's butt,
361
00:17:36,813 --> 00:17:39,115
and he's like, "Are you
in there, Mr. Hendrickson?
362
00:17:39,149 --> 00:17:40,583
I'll save ya."
363
00:17:40,617 --> 00:17:43,386
That's hilarious, man.
364
00:17:43,419 --> 00:17:45,622
Hey! Brian!
365
00:17:45,656 --> 00:17:47,724
So good to
see you again.
366
00:17:47,758 --> 00:17:50,260
I'm sorry.
Do I know you?
367
00:17:50,293 --> 00:17:51,795
Dorothy Durwood.
368
00:17:51,828 --> 00:17:53,630
We worked together
on your one-man show.
369
00:17:53,664 --> 00:17:54,998
I took tickets.
370
00:17:55,031 --> 00:17:56,967
Remember after that
one show at Birds,
371
00:17:57,000 --> 00:17:59,569
you dared me to eat an
entire rotisserie chicken
372
00:17:59,602 --> 00:18:01,304
and then I did?
373
00:18:01,337 --> 00:18:03,674
But then people kind of
felt sorry for me, and...
374
00:18:03,707 --> 00:18:05,508
it was kind of a
downer all told,
375
00:18:05,541 --> 00:18:07,678
and not ultimately
worth it, comedically.
376
00:18:07,711 --> 00:18:09,479
Right!
377
00:18:09,512 --> 00:18:10,747
Course.
378
00:18:10,781 --> 00:18:12,315
H-How's it going?
379
00:18:12,348 --> 00:18:13,850
Still
grinding away
380
00:18:13,884 --> 00:18:15,118
at the old improv.
381
00:18:15,151 --> 00:18:16,853
Been doing it, gosh,
like, a decade now.
382
00:18:16,887 --> 00:18:18,955
But, yeah, my boyfriend here,
he goes and does it
383
00:18:18,989 --> 00:18:21,624
for literally an hour
and gets a job, but...
384
00:18:21,658 --> 00:18:24,695
I've got chore monkey shifts,
so-- you know what that is?
385
00:18:24,728 --> 00:18:27,330
Someone literally pays you
just over minimum wage
386
00:18:27,363 --> 00:18:29,165
to clean out their fridge,
for an example,
387
00:18:29,199 --> 00:18:31,534
and, uh, if you're real lucky,
when you get there,
388
00:18:31,567 --> 00:18:33,203
it's your ex-boyfriend
from college.
389
00:18:33,236 --> 00:18:35,538
Hey, uh, how much
do I have to pay you
390
00:18:35,571 --> 00:18:37,273
to end this conversation?
391
00:18:38,842 --> 00:18:41,611
Uh, hey, why-why
don't I take you home?
392
00:18:41,644 --> 00:18:43,646
No. No, you're networking.
393
00:18:43,680 --> 00:18:44,881
Go network.
394
00:18:44,915 --> 00:18:47,183
D-Dorothy?
395
00:18:47,217 --> 00:18:49,786
That was rough. Sorry.
396
00:18:49,820 --> 00:18:52,322
Hey, uh, I found some
cocaine in the bathroom.
397
00:18:52,355 --> 00:18:53,890
Do you want some?
398
00:18:55,191 --> 00:18:56,592
Mm.
399
00:18:59,229 --> 00:19:01,397
You know, actually,
400
00:19:01,431 --> 00:19:03,633
I'm looking for an
assistant stylist.
401
00:19:03,666 --> 00:19:05,668
I've stylisted before!
402
00:19:05,702 --> 00:19:08,071
I-I dressed this rapper,
and we wrote a song
403
00:19:08,104 --> 00:19:11,174
and smoked a, um...
a professional job thingie.
404
00:19:13,043 --> 00:19:15,645
Well, I'd love to run through
a few questions with you.
405
00:19:15,678 --> 00:19:18,982
But you need to know that
there is travel required.
406
00:19:19,015 --> 00:19:21,384
You'd have to come
with me to Paris
407
00:19:21,417 --> 00:19:23,253
a couple of
times a year...
408
00:19:23,286 --> 00:19:24,988
Oh. Sorry.
409
00:19:25,021 --> 00:19:26,689
Um, I'll be right back.
410
00:19:26,723 --> 00:19:28,358
Yeah.
411
00:19:28,391 --> 00:19:30,493
I don't know, you tell me:
412
00:19:30,526 --> 00:19:32,996
is an emu the same
thing as an ostrich?
413
00:19:33,029 --> 00:19:34,264
I'll wait.
414
00:19:34,297 --> 00:19:35,999
Can you believe this?
415
00:19:36,032 --> 00:19:37,700
Sweetie, I think
it's amazing
416
00:19:37,734 --> 00:19:39,836
that you want
to work, but...
417
00:19:39,870 --> 00:19:42,238
it's only ethical that you
tell her you're with child.
418
00:19:42,272 --> 00:19:44,274
Paul, this woman
dressed Porter Potty
419
00:19:44,307 --> 00:19:45,942
for The Good Li premiere
420
00:19:45,976 --> 00:19:47,911
after being retweeted
by Crabby Applepants.
421
00:19:47,944 --> 00:19:50,213
She likes me.
Let me handle this.
422
00:19:50,246 --> 00:19:52,282
Sorry about that.
423
00:19:52,315 --> 00:19:55,185
Poachers can be
so unreliable.
424
00:19:55,218 --> 00:19:56,953
Anyway, tell me about you guys.
425
00:19:56,987 --> 00:19:59,289
Do you have any children?
Nope.
426
00:19:59,322 --> 00:20:00,857
Um...
427
00:20:00,891 --> 00:20:02,692
well, that's not
entirely accurate.
428
00:20:02,725 --> 00:20:04,560
Do not take this
from me, Paul.
429
00:20:04,594 --> 00:20:06,897
It's entirely accurate.
430
00:20:06,930 --> 00:20:09,966
Ma'am, despite my
wife's objections,
431
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:12,535
I feel we have an
ethical obligation
432
00:20:12,568 --> 00:20:15,438
to inform you
of something.
433
00:20:15,471 --> 00:20:17,207
Lindsay's pregnant.
Oh?
434
00:20:17,240 --> 00:20:18,909
No, I'm not.
435
00:20:18,942 --> 00:20:21,778
Lindsay, I can't
let you mislead her.
436
00:20:21,812 --> 00:20:23,413
She's pregnant.
437
00:20:23,446 --> 00:20:26,382
No! I'm not pregnant, Paul.
There is no baby.
438
00:20:26,416 --> 00:20:28,251
I had an abortion.
439
00:20:28,284 --> 00:20:29,953
Lindsay, don't
lie to her.
440
00:20:29,986 --> 00:20:31,955
I'm not lying.
Gretchen drove me.
441
00:20:31,988 --> 00:20:34,224
There was a pie flight.
I talked to a sign lady.
442
00:20:34,257 --> 00:20:36,326
I did that.
Yeah. Hmm?
443
00:20:36,359 --> 00:20:38,428
Also, I'm leaving you.
444
00:20:39,830 --> 00:20:42,298
So this is
the b Paris, right?
445
00:20:42,332 --> 00:20:44,434
The one with the bread?
446
00:20:44,467 --> 00:20:45,902
Uh...
447
00:20:45,936 --> 00:20:48,338
you guys seem like
you need some time alone.
448
00:20:48,371 --> 00:20:50,974
Why don't you call me
when you...
449
00:20:51,007 --> 00:20:53,143
figure all this out.
450
00:20:56,112 --> 00:20:58,314
Paul, are you okay?
451
00:21:12,062 --> 00:21:14,164
I am allowed
to reassess my life.
452
00:21:14,197 --> 00:21:15,932
You have no say in it.
453
00:21:15,966 --> 00:21:17,767
So I'm just supposed
to wait around
454
00:21:17,800 --> 00:21:19,769
until you think I'm worthy
of being your girlfriend?
455
00:21:19,802 --> 00:21:21,371
That's bullshit, dude.
456
00:21:21,404 --> 00:21:24,040
Just tell me one of the
things on your list.
457
00:21:24,074 --> 00:21:26,843
Okay, fine. But only if
you tell me one of yours.
458
00:21:26,877 --> 00:21:28,845
Fine.
459
00:21:28,879 --> 00:21:31,614
Okay.
460
00:21:31,647 --> 00:21:33,984
"I can't see
having kids with her."
461
00:21:35,986 --> 00:21:37,753
Your turn.
462
00:21:42,192 --> 00:21:44,794
I'm afraid you'll
never be successful.
463
00:21:44,827 --> 00:21:47,563
All right, everybody,
quiet down. Quiet down.
464
00:21:47,597 --> 00:21:49,565
I'm Sam.
This is my boy Zachary.
465
00:21:49,599 --> 00:21:51,868
Now, we know why
we're here today.
466
00:21:51,902 --> 00:21:54,004
Dale and Jaclyn
went and eloped,
467
00:21:54,037 --> 00:21:56,406
because they were too cheap
to throw a proper wedding.
468
00:21:58,208 --> 00:22:01,344
"Two people haven't
gotten married that fast
469
00:22:01,377 --> 00:22:05,248
since Immigration came
for my mom's gardener."
470
00:22:07,017 --> 00:22:09,185
It's true that this
courtship was kind of quick,
471
00:22:09,219 --> 00:22:10,887
but the thing is,
472
00:22:10,921 --> 00:22:14,324
when your shadow looks like
a broomstick with an afro,
473
00:22:14,357 --> 00:22:17,027
you lock down the first girl
that lets you touch her titties!
474
00:22:18,628 --> 00:22:21,664
"This-this dude is so ugly...
475
00:22:21,697 --> 00:22:23,599
"his dad left his family
476
00:22:23,633 --> 00:22:26,269
and ask to go to jail."
477
00:22:29,572 --> 00:22:32,008
All joking aside,
478
00:22:32,042 --> 00:22:35,611
it may seem like they ain't
been dating that long,
479
00:22:35,645 --> 00:22:38,114
but when it's the person
you're meant to be with,
480
00:22:38,148 --> 00:22:40,183
you know right away.
481
00:22:40,216 --> 00:22:42,118
And as you get
to know them,
482
00:22:42,152 --> 00:22:45,288
you only grow to
love them more.
483
00:22:49,259 --> 00:22:50,693
Hey...
484
00:22:50,726 --> 00:22:53,729
uh, "Even if
it doesn't work out,
485
00:22:53,763 --> 00:22:58,101
we all got some wack-ass
ceviche out of it, right?"
486
00:22:58,134 --> 00:23:00,903
Ha! Ha-ha!
487
00:23:02,973 --> 00:23:03,974
Oh.
488
00:23:05,308 --> 00:23:07,310
Sorry about that kiss thing.
I apologize.
489
00:23:11,481 --> 00:23:14,317
I know he stole it.
He's the one.
490
00:23:14,350 --> 00:23:16,352
*
491
00:23:23,693 --> 00:23:27,998
* So go and drag your shadow
492
00:23:28,031 --> 00:23:30,833
* Back up the street
493
00:23:34,937 --> 00:23:38,608
* 'Cause Lord knows
I don't want it *
494
00:23:38,641 --> 00:23:41,444
* Following me
495
00:23:54,390 --> 00:23:57,127
* So you and your heartbreak
496
00:23:57,160 --> 00:23:59,762
* And all of the mistakes
497
00:23:59,795 --> 00:24:02,632
* Are always there...
498
00:24:02,665 --> 00:24:05,135
Oh. Right.
499
00:24:05,168 --> 00:24:07,437
* You got some heartache
500
00:24:07,470 --> 00:24:09,672
* Come meet all my mistakes
501
00:24:09,705 --> 00:24:12,542
* And we'll always be there
502
00:24:12,575 --> 00:24:14,610
* They're always there
503
00:24:14,644 --> 00:24:17,480
* So you and your heartbreak
504
00:24:17,513 --> 00:24:19,949
* And all of the mistakes
505
00:24:19,982 --> 00:24:22,718
* Are always there
506
00:24:22,752 --> 00:24:25,355
* They're always there
507
00:24:25,388 --> 00:24:27,657
* I've got some heartache
508
00:24:27,690 --> 00:24:30,193
* Come meet all my mistakes
509
00:24:30,226 --> 00:24:32,562
* And we'll always be there
510
00:24:32,595 --> 00:24:35,565
* They're always there
511
00:24:37,900 --> 00:24:40,236
* So I don't know
512
00:24:40,270 --> 00:24:44,006
* Why I feel so
513
00:24:44,040 --> 00:24:45,675
* Alone
514
00:24:45,708 --> 00:24:48,010
* Oh, oh, oh, oh
515
00:24:48,044 --> 00:24:51,013
* Oh, yeah, I don't know why
516
00:24:51,047 --> 00:24:53,349
* I feel so
517
00:24:53,383 --> 00:24:57,253
* Alone...
518
00:24:59,021 --> 00:25:01,524
* Oh, I don't know why
519
00:25:01,557 --> 00:25:03,526
* I feel so
520
00:25:03,559 --> 00:25:06,529
* Alone
521
00:25:06,562 --> 00:25:08,564
* Oh, oh, oh, oh
522
00:25:08,598 --> 00:25:10,900
* Oh, yeah, I don't know
523
00:25:10,933 --> 00:25:14,904
* Why I feel so alone.
524
00:25:24,980 --> 00:25:27,983
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Media Access Group at WGBH
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