Original subtitles

[theme music playing]

[crowd wowing and applauding]

[crowd cheering and applauding]

What is up? How you doing, Atlanta?

[crowd cheering]

Fuck yeah!

Shit is nice.

Good to be back down South. I lived here for eight years, man.

It's good to return. I missed a lot.

I didn't realize how much I missed. One thing I didn't miss the crackheads.

[crowd laughing]

Atlanta got them new Jack City crackheads, bro.

Like, them '82 crackheads.

Still trying to trade you a sock for a dollar motherfuckers.

No, man.

[Sam chuckles]

Got to the airport. Had a dope experience. Forgot I missed the racism down South.

I've been living in LA so long. It's weird. I miss down South racism.

I was in the airport. I went to the bathroom.

As soon as I walked in, I scared the shit out of an old white lady.

-Felt fucking fantastic. -[crowd laughing]

I walked in and she was screaming out I was, like, yeah, run bitch.

[crowd laughing]

Good to know my powers still work here.

[crowd laughing]

She was scared on two levels.

On one level she was, like, there's a man n the woman's [frightened] bathroom.

On another level she was, like,

there's a black man in the woman's [frightened] bathroom.

[crowd laughing and applauding]

In LA it's not like that. It's weird. I was walking down Santa Monica one night.

An old white lady walked up to me and whispered, I voted for you.

What, bitch?

-[crowd laughing] -Me?

Obama? Gay marriage? What the fuck did you vote for?

[crowd laughing]

Very [lowering voice] confusing.

[crowd laughing]

Life is good. I'm feeling fucking good. A lot of new adventures and stuff.

I'm in a divorce and new relationship. That feels great.

Got a new girl. Had to go buy a new dick.

[crowd laughing]

That's the lesbian unspoken rule. New bitch, new dick. You gotta do it.

Can't come into new relationships with old dicks. You can't do it.

[crowd laughing]

I was telling my homie,

I was, like, ''I got a new girl. I gotta buy a new dick.''

He started ragging on me, like, ''That's stupid.''

I don't have to bring a new dick in a relationship. I bring the same dick.

Yeah, cause you can't.

[crowd laughing]

You dummy. Do you not know women? If she knew you could, you'd have to.

[crowd laughing]

You don't understand how the work, stupid.

[crowd laughing]

Get money now. That fucking feels good.

Man, oh my God.

-[crowd cheering and applauding] -Oh, my God.

Going from broke to having shit is so exciting, you know?

I started Ubering everywhere.

-[crowd laughing] -Oh!

Feeling like a god damn prince. I don't give a fuck.

I don't give a fuck if I'm getting out the back of a Kia. I'm a king.

Step out.

Like Eddie Murphy coming to America.

Stepping on rose petals and shit.

[crowd laughing]

I got fucked up. I got broke for a week and had to Uber pool.

[crowd laughing]

I was broke cause when you start getting money you fuck it up.

You don't know what you're doing.

I was broke for a week. I had to Uber pool.

Oh, my God! It was terrible.

When I first started Uber I was excited cause I wasn't broke no more.

I'm off the bus. Not with these broke bus niggas.

I'm free.

Then I had to Uber pool and I was, like, damn this is a little bus.

[crowd laughing]

This is a bus where niggas are closer to you than they would be...

on the actual bus.

This is garbage.

[crowd laughing]

Sucks being in the back eating and shit. Having full conversations.

You turn your whole body to the window, so you make no eye contact.

[crowd laughing]

I figured out how to beat Uber pool, though.

The way you beat Uber pool is you ride in the front.

It's the way to defeat that shit. You don't feel as low.

Then it's like we picking niggas up.

[crowd laughing]

Then you're riding with your homie.

Pulling up on niggas, like, ''Hey, cuz, get in.''

Fuck you going? [laughing]

[crowd laughing]

Been living in New York, man. Anybody been to New York?

[crowd wowing]

Yeah, fucking New York City, right?

Big city of trash. That city is garbage.

[crowd laughing]

I've never been more petrified to be in a place.

And it's confusing. It's like a bad Sims project, you know?

Like a really bad game of the Sims.

You guy by a store and it's a dentist, then it's a KFC, then it's an apartment.

You're like, who the fuck structured this?

Who built this place?

Public safety isn't a concern.

The first time I used the train I said: "where's the train?"

They said: "See those stairs that seem to lead to a rape dungeon?

[crowd laughing]

Go down them.

There will be a train."

[crowd laughing]

-This is fucking [lowering voice] crazy. -[crowd laughing]

I was on the platform waiting for the train one day.

This was an official sign from the NTA.

From the official people that run trains in NYC.

The sign was just a giant rat with a line through the rat.

It said something like: ''Hey, nigga, these rats got rabies so...

Don't get bit.

Hope you get to Brooklyn.'' Like, okay.

[crowd laughing]

Garbage.

-[crowd laughing] -[chuckles]

Trying to figure out what's going late. Watching the news, who hasn't?

Trump's a thing. I don't give a shit.

Trump is just white guys have completely lost it.

We could usually look to white guys, like, they might vote a way I don't like,

but it's logical for them. This doesn't even make sense for them.

This is just off the grid crazy shit.

This nigga's like the Tupac of white nigga's, you know?

He's insane.

He's spitting at the camera, grabbing his dick, he's fucking...

He's losing it.

Before he does anything he twitter beefs people.

[crowd laughing]

Before he handles national security,

this motherfucker gets up and is, like, who's online talking shit?

-[crowd laughing] -First priority, check these bitches.

-[crowd laughing] -[Sam laughing]

[crowd laughing, cheering and applauding]

It's insane.

[crowd laughing]

Then he spends the whole time pulling receipts.

''Bitch, I was there. You wasn't.''

[crowd laughing]

''Nigga, I got money. I know how much you make.'' Like, ''All right, man.''

-[Sam chuckles] -[crowd laughing]

This isn't white guys' fault. They've been crying for help

and no one listens.

They've been spiraling. They've been spiraling for years.

We don't know what to do. We can't handle white guys needing something.

They've been fucking losing it.

We've turned it into entertainment. You ever watch Viva La Bam or Jackass?

That wasn't a show.

[crowd laughing]

That was white dudes crying for help.

[crowd laughing]

They were in need, man.

They were nailing their dicks to boards, bro.

[crowd laughing]

Shit's crazy.

[crowd laughing]

They're desperate. They're losing it.

They're getting reported, everyday, for touching people too much.

That sucks. As a woman, I hate that I still care about that shit.

I hate that I have to think about it,

Every time I'm in an Uber, I'm like what the fuck are you doing

with your whole vagina. Are you stupid?

I'm not the only woman in here like, what the fuck. This is stupid.

Gonna get in this car with a strange man and a whole pussy. Am I dumb?

I'm just fucking dumb cause I wanna get to the club earlier.

I'm an idiot.

[crowd laughing]

Shit is scary.

Every woman has her rape contingency plan. You have to.

You think about it. Most women it's, like, ''I'll take my keys,

turn them into a talon and claw his neck out.''

[crowd laughing]

Which is very fucking ambitious, you know?

Who the fuck do you think you are, Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson.

You're gonna take some blunt keys and claw a guys neck out.

It's a bad plan. My plan is to bite the dick off. Better plan.

[crowd laughing]

-Bite the dick. -[crowd cheering and applauding]

It's solid and makes the most sense.

-[crowd laughing] -[Sam chuckles]

Cause men are dumb.

Never forget. They're fucking idiots.

He says it's time. I'm like, ''let me suck your dick.''

Even though he's a rapist he'll say: ''Okay.''

[crowd laughing]

Cause they're stupid.

Then I'm gonna bite that shit. Get free.

[crowd laughing]

I got in the rape Uber, the other night, and I knew it was.

I knew it.

My whole spirit was like, here it goes. You know?

Here we go. As women, we do that shit. We still go.

This alley is the rape alley but, nigga, it's ten minutes shorter.

It's cold and I got heels on. I'm going.

[crowd laughing]

Fuck it. I got in...

As soon as I got in, I saw he had no hair, right here.

And he was a white man. That's the rape patch. I was, like, fuck.

[crowd laughing]

Here we go with this nigga, bro.

[crowd laughing]

Then he turned around. He had those silver, horn-rimmed glasses.

I was like, [desperate voice] oh, shit.

[crowd laughing]

Then he turned on classical music and immediately locked the door.

I was, like, he's going to eat my toes. What the fuck.

[crowd laughing]

I got no toes, either.

-[crowd laughing] -[Sam chuckles]

Then he kept passing prime rape real estate.

With every pass I got more confident.

He passed a big, dark open field and I was like...

-Tina tena tuna! -[crowd laughing]

Then he passed the alleyway with mad dumpsters. I was like...

[louder voice] Tina tena tuna!

By the time I got to my house, I felt like Mario when he gets the flag.

Bitch you ain't stopping me.

[crowd laughing]

I hate how confident men get to be in this world.

Men are so fucking confident. Ya'll don't even see that.

You walk around like, fuck it.

It's amazing as a woman to watch this shit. Like, holy shit.

I have a little more confidence than the average woman.

It's just cause I dress like a nigga, you know?

Like I don't know if this is the type of gay I am,

but it keeps my rape numbers way down.

[crowd laughing]

Walk around like, ain't no one gonna fuck with me.

[crowd laughing]

I probably really wanna wear a skit.

[crowd laughing]

Dudes don't give a fuck. They're just living out here.

I went to my homeboys house at 2 AM. 2 AM.

Kicked the door open it was unlocked. Boom.

He was asleep on the couch. Didn't fucking move.

[crowd laughing]

Didn't fucking move. Asleep on the couch, topless. Like this.

Lions don't even sleep like this.

[crowd laughing]

Your stomach is the most sensitive part of your body, as a mammal.

Everyone knows to protect it. Not him. He's like what up? Come at me.

[crowd laughing]

Meanwhile, I sleep in fetal, every night, just concerned.

I check my doorknob, three times, before I shower.

This guy's just running around.

White women, stop being so annoying.

[crowd laughing]

That was a leap, but it's real. Ya'll are fucking irritating.

[crowd laughing]

Ya'll gotta cut this shit out. And no one is telling ya'll.

You're in this position where no one gets to be, like,

''Hey bitch we don't like you.''

[crowd laughing]

But I'm telling you as a collective, people are tired.

[crowd laughing]

You're blogging all the time. No one gives a shit.

Your crochet blogs. Whatever the fuck you're doing.

Go get a job. Leave people alone.

[crowd laughing]

This white lady moved into my building. She's the first gentrifier.

This is why I hate people that gentrify neighborhoods.

It's not cause you want rent cheap. You're changing it to your suburb.

Bitch moved in. First day, she opens her window while we're smoking.

Could you not do that down here?

Like, ''Bitch, no, this is East Harlem.''

[crowd laughing]

''This is the smoking stoop.''

[crowd laughing]

''It's where the fuck we smoke at.

You don't wanna smell weed, pay more rent. What's wrong with you?

You annoying ass lady.''

[crowd laughing, wowing and applauding]

I don't even think about this anymore. White people is confusing.

If you're a person of color, you get it. They confuse you.

Ya'll confuse us, everyday. You do shit and it's so confusing.

It can become stressful trying to wrap our brains behind why you do what you do.

I figured out why and I'm at peace. I wanna offer this to any person of color.

White people are aliens.

[crowd laughing]

It's a very simple solution to these problems.

They're not from this fucking planet.

You don't have to be worried. They're just fucking aliens. I promise.

I'm not an idiot. I see you white man. I'm not stupid. I'm not dumb.

I'm not saying this in no dumb, crazy way.

I'm not saying ''Pull off your head.'' Then there's an alien head under.

Like I'm fucking stupid, no. I'm saying genetically, not from here.

-[crowd laughing] -[shouting] Genetically.

Something in your makeup don't match what the fuck we be doing.

-And that's just science. -[crowd laughing]

I'm just speaking science and there's so much to back it up.

You ever seen a white person jogging with shorts, a tank top, and ear muffs?

Like, what the fuck is that?

[crowd laughing]

That's because their alien receptors are in their ears.

Gotta keep the fucking ears warm.

[crowd laughing]

You ever wonder why we keep having to explain

why human lives matter?

Cause they not fucking human.

[crowd applauding and cheering]

If they were we wouldn't keep having to have this conversation.

But we keep repeating it because it's not digesting properly.

They got thin ass noses.

They do. Thin fucking noses.

Some of you think, not me. That's cause you've been fucking us a lot,

genetically it's confused.

But, what you bring to the table? Thin nose. Why?

Cause whatever you planet you from, no oxygen. Didn't need to really breathe.

[crowd laughing and applauding]

And finally, and this is a major fucking key.

The sun kills white people, ya'll.

[crowd laughing]

It murders them.

The one thing on this planet everything thrives under, kills ya'll.

This is white people science. Ya'll taught me this shit.

Ya'll taught me Eskimos have slanted eyes cause they're from this area.

You'll adapt eventually.

You been here a thousand years and still haven't developed melanin.

Alien as fuck.

[crowd cheering and applauding]

Hey, goodnight. Ya'll are dope.

-[crowd cheering and applauding] -[theme music]

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