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1
00:00:13,888 --> 00:00:17,767
[theme music playing]
2
00:00:17,851 --> 00:00:24,733
[crowd wowing and applauding]
3
00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:29,446
[crowd cheering and applauding]
4
00:00:29,654 --> 00:00:31,990
What is up? How you doing, Atlanta?
5
00:00:32,073 --> 00:00:33,491
[crowd cheering]
6
00:00:33,575 --> 00:00:35,076
Fuck yeah!
7
00:00:36,077 --> 00:00:37,495
Shit is nice.
8
00:00:37,704 --> 00:00:41,499
Good to be back down South.
I lived here for eight years, man.
9
00:00:41,916 --> 00:00:43,918
It's good to return. I missed a lot.
10
00:00:44,210 --> 00:00:47,505
I didn't realize how much I missed.
One thing I didn't miss the crackheads.
11
00:00:47,589 --> 00:00:48,673
[crowd laughing]
12
00:00:48,757 --> 00:00:51,468
Atlanta got them new
Jack City crackheads, bro.
13
00:00:51,801 --> 00:00:53,803
Like, them '82 crackheads.
14
00:00:54,095 --> 00:00:57,057
Still trying to trade you a sock
for a dollar motherfuckers.
15
00:00:57,807 --> 00:00:59,100
No, man.
16
00:00:59,184 --> 00:01:01,186
[Sam chuckles]
17
00:01:01,686 --> 00:01:06,149
Got to the airport. Had a dope experience.
Forgot I missed the racism down South.
18
00:01:06,775 --> 00:01:11,112
I've been living in LA so long.
It's weird. I miss down South racism.
19
00:01:11,488 --> 00:01:13,198
I was in the airport.
I went to the bathroom.
20
00:01:13,281 --> 00:01:16,201
As soon as I walked in, I scared
the shit out of an old white lady.
21
00:01:16,618 --> 00:01:19,037
-Felt fucking fantastic.
-[crowd laughing]
22
00:01:19,120 --> 00:01:22,457
I walked in and she was screaming out
I was, like, yeah, run bitch.
23
00:01:22,540 --> 00:01:23,416
[crowd laughing]
24
00:01:23,500 --> 00:01:25,502
Good to know my powers still work here.
25
00:01:25,585 --> 00:01:27,087
[crowd laughing]
26
00:01:27,170 --> 00:01:28,922
She was scared on two levels.
27
00:01:29,005 --> 00:01:32,884
On one level she was, like, there's a man
n the woman's [frightened] bathroom.
28
00:01:33,593 --> 00:01:35,345
On another level she was, like,
29
00:01:35,428 --> 00:01:37,972
there's a black man
in the woman's [frightened] bathroom.
30
00:01:38,056 --> 00:01:40,058
[crowd laughing and applauding]
31
00:01:40,141 --> 00:01:43,812
In LA it's not like that. It's weird.
I was walking down Santa Monica one night.
32
00:01:43,895 --> 00:01:47,232
An old white lady walked up to me
and whispered, I voted for you.
33
00:01:47,315 --> 00:01:48,441
What, bitch?
34
00:01:48,525 --> 00:01:50,151
-[crowd laughing]
-Me?
35
00:01:50,652 --> 00:01:53,613
Obama? Gay marriage?
What the fuck did you vote for?
36
00:01:53,738 --> 00:01:54,948
[crowd laughing]
37
00:01:55,031 --> 00:01:56,449
Very [lowering voice] confusing.
38
00:01:56,533 --> 00:01:58,535
[crowd laughing]
39
00:01:59,369 --> 00:02:03,039
Life is good. I'm feeling fucking good.
A lot of new adventures and stuff.
40
00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:05,917
I'm in a divorce and new relationship.
That feels great.
41
00:02:06,209 --> 00:02:08,795
Got a new girl. Had to go buy a new dick.
42
00:02:08,878 --> 00:02:10,880
[crowd laughing]
43
00:02:11,089 --> 00:02:14,759
That's the lesbian unspoken rule.
New bitch, new dick. You gotta do it.
44
00:02:15,635 --> 00:02:18,888
Can't come into new relationships
with old dicks. You can't do it.
45
00:02:18,972 --> 00:02:20,181
[crowd laughing]
46
00:02:20,265 --> 00:02:21,724
I was telling my homie,
47
00:02:21,808 --> 00:02:24,394
I was, like, ''I got a new girl.
I gotta buy a new dick.''
48
00:02:24,477 --> 00:02:26,646
He started ragging on me,
like, ''That's stupid.''
49
00:02:26,896 --> 00:02:29,899
I don't have to bring a new dick
in a relationship. I bring the same dick.
50
00:02:29,983 --> 00:02:31,442
Yeah, cause you can't.
51
00:02:31,568 --> 00:02:33,027
[crowd laughing]
52
00:02:33,319 --> 00:02:37,740
You dummy. Do you not know women?
If she knew you could, you'd have to.
53
00:02:37,824 --> 00:02:39,033
[crowd laughing]
54
00:02:39,117 --> 00:02:41,619
You don't understand how the work, stupid.
55
00:02:41,703 --> 00:02:43,413
[crowd laughing]
56
00:02:43,496 --> 00:02:45,748
Get money now. That fucking feels good.
57
00:02:46,291 --> 00:02:48,126
Man, oh my God.
58
00:02:48,626 --> 00:02:51,045
-[crowd cheering and applauding]
-Oh, my God.
59
00:02:51,713 --> 00:02:55,592
Going from broke to having shit
is so exciting, you know?
60
00:02:56,176 --> 00:02:57,802
I started Ubering everywhere.
61
00:02:57,886 --> 00:02:59,012
-[crowd laughing]
-Oh!
62
00:02:59,095 --> 00:03:01,764
Feeling like a god damn prince.
I don't give a fuck.
63
00:03:02,265 --> 00:03:05,643
I don't give a fuck if I'm getting out
the back of a Kia. I'm a king.
64
00:03:06,019 --> 00:03:07,020
Step out.
65
00:03:07,562 --> 00:03:09,564
Like Eddie Murphy coming to America.
66
00:03:09,856 --> 00:03:11,858
Stepping on rose petals and shit.
67
00:03:11,941 --> 00:03:13,860
[crowd laughing]
68
00:03:13,943 --> 00:03:17,322
I got fucked up. I got broke for a week
and had to Uber pool.
69
00:03:17,405 --> 00:03:18,531
[crowd laughing]
70
00:03:18,615 --> 00:03:21,993
I was broke cause when you
start getting money you fuck it up.
71
00:03:22,076 --> 00:03:23,578
You don't know what you're doing.
72
00:03:23,912 --> 00:03:26,122
I was broke for a week.
I had to Uber pool.
73
00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:27,790
Oh, my God! It was terrible.
74
00:03:27,874 --> 00:03:30,919
When I first started Uber I was excited
cause I wasn't broke no more.
75
00:03:31,002 --> 00:03:33,588
I'm off the bus.
Not with these broke bus niggas.
76
00:03:34,255 --> 00:03:35,298
I'm free.
77
00:03:35,590 --> 00:03:39,219
Then I had to Uber pool and I was, like,
damn this is a little bus.
78
00:03:39,302 --> 00:03:40,470
[crowd laughing]
79
00:03:40,553 --> 00:03:43,806
This is a bus where niggas are closer
to you than they would be...
80
00:03:44,390 --> 00:03:46,100
on the actual bus.
81
00:03:46,601 --> 00:03:48,061
This is garbage.
82
00:03:48,144 --> 00:03:49,395
[crowd laughing]
83
00:03:50,063 --> 00:03:53,608
Sucks being in the back eating and shit.
Having full conversations.
84
00:03:53,691 --> 00:03:57,070
You turn your whole body to the window,
so you make no eye contact.
85
00:03:57,153 --> 00:03:58,947
[crowd laughing]
86
00:03:59,072 --> 00:04:01,366
I figured out
how to beat Uber pool, though.
87
00:04:01,824 --> 00:04:04,410
The way you beat Uber pool
is you ride in the front.
88
00:04:04,702 --> 00:04:07,538
It's the way to defeat that shit.
You don't feel as low.
89
00:04:07,622 --> 00:04:09,457
Then it's like we picking niggas up.
90
00:04:09,540 --> 00:04:10,541
[crowd laughing]
91
00:04:10,625 --> 00:04:12,627
Then you're riding with your homie.
92
00:04:12,835 --> 00:04:15,380
Pulling up on niggas,
like, ''Hey, cuz, get in.''
93
00:04:15,964 --> 00:04:17,465
Fuck you going?
[laughing]
94
00:04:17,548 --> 00:04:19,550
[crowd laughing]
95
00:04:20,510 --> 00:04:23,554
Been living in New York, man.
Anybody been to New York?
96
00:04:23,638 --> 00:04:25,056
[crowd wowing]
97
00:04:25,139 --> 00:04:27,558
Yeah, fucking New York City, right?
98
00:04:27,642 --> 00:04:30,687
Big city of trash. That city is garbage.
99
00:04:30,770 --> 00:04:32,021
[crowd laughing]
100
00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:34,649
I've never been more petrified
to be in a place.
101
00:04:35,233 --> 00:04:39,070
And it's confusing.
It's like a bad Sims project, you know?
102
00:04:39,570 --> 00:04:41,656
Like a really bad game of the Sims.
103
00:04:41,739 --> 00:04:45,952
You guy by a store and it's a dentist,
then it's a KFC, then it's an apartment.
104
00:04:46,035 --> 00:04:48,037
You're like, who the fuck structured this?
105
00:04:48,663 --> 00:04:50,248
Who built this place?
106
00:04:51,374 --> 00:04:53,126
Public safety isn't a concern.
107
00:04:53,209 --> 00:04:55,712
The first time I used the train
I said: "where's the train?"
108
00:04:55,795 --> 00:04:58,381
They said: "See those stairs
that seem to lead to a rape dungeon?
109
00:04:58,464 --> 00:04:59,590
[crowd laughing]
110
00:04:59,674 --> 00:05:00,883
Go down them.
111
00:05:01,801 --> 00:05:03,177
There will be a train."
112
00:05:03,261 --> 00:05:04,262
[crowd laughing]
113
00:05:04,345 --> 00:05:07,223
-This is fucking [lowering voice] crazy.
-[crowd laughing]
114
00:05:08,725 --> 00:05:11,311
I was on the platform
waiting for the train one day.
115
00:05:11,394 --> 00:05:14,188
This was an official sign from the NTA.
116
00:05:14,272 --> 00:05:16,482
From the official people
that run trains in NYC.
117
00:05:16,566 --> 00:05:19,861
The sign was just a giant rat
with a line through the rat.
118
00:05:20,570 --> 00:05:24,073
It said something like:
''Hey, nigga, these rats got rabies so...
119
00:05:24,907 --> 00:05:26,075
Don't get bit.
120
00:05:26,993 --> 00:05:28,995
Hope you get to Brooklyn.'' Like, okay.
121
00:05:29,078 --> 00:05:30,747
[crowd laughing]
122
00:05:30,830 --> 00:05:31,873
Garbage.
123
00:05:31,998 --> 00:05:34,000
-[crowd laughing]
-[chuckles]
124
00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:39,839
Trying to figure out what's going late.
Watching the news, who hasn't?
125
00:05:40,298 --> 00:05:42,633
Trump's a thing. I don't give a shit.
126
00:05:42,717 --> 00:05:45,386
Trump is just white guys
have completely lost it.
127
00:05:45,928 --> 00:05:49,724
We could usually look to white guys, like,
they might vote a way I don't like,
128
00:05:49,932 --> 00:05:52,810
but it's logical for them.
This doesn't even make sense for them.
129
00:05:53,394 --> 00:05:56,064
This is just off the grid crazy shit.
130
00:05:56,689 --> 00:05:59,817
This nigga's like the Tupac
of white nigga's, you know?
131
00:06:00,526 --> 00:06:01,527
He's insane.
132
00:06:02,153 --> 00:06:04,864
He's spitting at the camera,
grabbing his dick, he's fucking...
133
00:06:05,239 --> 00:06:06,616
He's losing it.
134
00:06:06,699 --> 00:06:09,744
Before he does anything
he twitter beefs people.
135
00:06:09,827 --> 00:06:10,870
[crowd laughing]
136
00:06:10,953 --> 00:06:13,164
Before he handles national security,
137
00:06:13,247 --> 00:06:16,501
this motherfucker gets up and is, like,
who's online talking shit?
138
00:06:17,085 --> 00:06:19,837
-[crowd laughing]
-First priority, check these bitches.
139
00:06:19,962 --> 00:06:21,964
-[crowd laughing]
-[Sam laughing]
140
00:06:22,090 --> 00:06:25,760
[crowd laughing, cheering and applauding]
141
00:06:25,885 --> 00:06:26,969
It's insane.
142
00:06:27,053 --> 00:06:28,679
[crowd laughing]
143
00:06:28,763 --> 00:06:30,848
Then he spends
the whole time pulling receipts.
144
00:06:30,932 --> 00:06:32,934
''Bitch, I was there. You wasn't.''
145
00:06:33,017 --> 00:06:33,976
[crowd laughing]
146
00:06:34,060 --> 00:06:37,980
''Nigga, I got money. I know how much
you make.'' Like, ''All right, man.''
147
00:06:38,064 --> 00:06:41,234
-[Sam chuckles]
-[crowd laughing]
148
00:06:43,277 --> 00:06:46,406
This isn't white guys' fault.
They've been crying for help
149
00:06:46,489 --> 00:06:47,907
and no one listens.
150
00:06:48,282 --> 00:06:50,618
They've been spiraling.
They've been spiraling for years.
151
00:06:50,701 --> 00:06:54,205
We don't know what to do. We can't handle
white guys needing something.
152
00:06:54,914 --> 00:06:56,707
They've been fucking losing it.
153
00:06:57,208 --> 00:07:00,670
We've turned it into entertainment.
You ever watch Viva La Bam or Jackass?
154
00:07:00,753 --> 00:07:01,963
That wasn't a show.
155
00:07:02,046 --> 00:07:03,005
[crowd laughing]
156
00:07:03,089 --> 00:07:05,508
That was white dudes crying for help.
157
00:07:05,591 --> 00:07:06,676
[crowd laughing]
158
00:07:06,759 --> 00:07:08,761
They were in need, man.
159
00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:12,014
They were nailing
their dicks to boards, bro.
160
00:07:12,098 --> 00:07:14,100
[crowd laughing]
161
00:07:14,517 --> 00:07:15,977
Shit's crazy.
162
00:07:16,144 --> 00:07:18,146
[crowd laughing]
163
00:07:19,230 --> 00:07:21,107
They're desperate. They're losing it.
164
00:07:21,941 --> 00:07:24,735
They're getting reported, everyday,
for touching people too much.
165
00:07:26,112 --> 00:07:29,323
That sucks. As a woman,
I hate that I still care about that shit.
166
00:07:29,407 --> 00:07:31,367
I hate that I have to think about it,
167
00:07:31,492 --> 00:07:34,162
Every time I'm in an Uber,
I'm like what the fuck are you doing
168
00:07:34,245 --> 00:07:36,247
with your whole vagina. Are you stupid?
169
00:07:36,581 --> 00:07:39,917
I'm not the only woman in here like,
what the fuck. This is stupid.
170
00:07:40,001 --> 00:07:43,963
Gonna get in this car with a strange man
and a whole pussy. Am I dumb?
171
00:07:44,338 --> 00:07:47,550
I'm just fucking dumb
cause I wanna get to the club earlier.
172
00:07:47,633 --> 00:07:48,468
I'm an idiot.
173
00:07:48,551 --> 00:07:49,427
[crowd laughing]
174
00:07:49,802 --> 00:07:51,137
Shit is scary.
175
00:07:52,054 --> 00:07:54,974
Every woman has her rape contingency plan.
You have to.
176
00:07:55,057 --> 00:07:58,060
You think about it. Most women it's, like,
''I'll take my keys,
177
00:07:58,144 --> 00:08:00,563
turn them into a talon
and claw his neck out.''
178
00:08:00,646 --> 00:08:01,647
[crowd laughing]
179
00:08:01,731 --> 00:08:04,400
Which is very fucking ambitious, you know?
180
00:08:05,067 --> 00:08:08,196
Who the fuck do you think you are,
Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson.
181
00:08:09,071 --> 00:08:12,325
You're gonna take some blunt keys
and claw a guys neck out.
182
00:08:12,700 --> 00:08:15,912
It's a bad plan. My plan is
to bite the dick off. Better plan.
183
00:08:15,995 --> 00:08:17,246
[crowd laughing]
184
00:08:17,330 --> 00:08:20,249
-Bite the dick.
-[crowd cheering and applauding]
185
00:08:20,333 --> 00:08:22,627
It's solid and makes the most sense.
186
00:08:22,710 --> 00:08:24,712
-[crowd laughing]
-[Sam chuckles]
187
00:08:25,379 --> 00:08:26,631
Cause men are dumb.
188
00:08:26,923 --> 00:08:28,925
Never forget. They're fucking idiots.
189
00:08:29,008 --> 00:08:31,177
He says it's time.
I'm like, ''let me suck your dick.''
190
00:08:31,260 --> 00:08:33,304
Even though he's a rapist
he'll say: ''Okay.''
191
00:08:33,387 --> 00:08:34,222
[crowd laughing]
192
00:08:34,305 --> 00:08:35,515
Cause they're stupid.
193
00:08:36,098 --> 00:08:38,476
Then I'm gonna bite that shit. Get free.
194
00:08:38,601 --> 00:08:40,603
[crowd laughing]
195
00:08:44,315 --> 00:08:47,235
I got in the rape Uber, the other night,
and I knew it was.
196
00:08:47,735 --> 00:08:48,736
I knew it.
197
00:08:48,819 --> 00:08:51,405
My whole spirit was like,
here it goes. You know?
198
00:08:51,989 --> 00:08:55,409
Here we go. As women,
we do that shit. We still go.
199
00:08:55,493 --> 00:08:58,204
This alley is the rape alley but,
nigga, it's ten minutes shorter.
200
00:08:59,413 --> 00:09:01,666
It's cold and I got heels on. I'm going.
201
00:09:01,749 --> 00:09:02,625
[crowd laughing]
202
00:09:02,708 --> 00:09:04,710
Fuck it. I got in...
203
00:09:04,961 --> 00:09:08,172
As soon as I got in,
I saw he had no hair, right here.
204
00:09:08,256 --> 00:09:10,758
And he was a white man.
That's the rape patch. I was, like, fuck.
205
00:09:10,841 --> 00:09:11,968
[crowd laughing]
206
00:09:12,051 --> 00:09:13,803
Here we go with this nigga, bro.
207
00:09:13,886 --> 00:09:14,887
[crowd laughing]
208
00:09:14,971 --> 00:09:17,848
Then he turned around.
He had those silver, horn-rimmed glasses.
209
00:09:17,932 --> 00:09:19,850
I was like,
[desperate voice] oh, shit.
210
00:09:19,934 --> 00:09:20,851
[crowd laughing]
211
00:09:20,935 --> 00:09:24,647
Then he turned on classical music
and immediately locked the door.
212
00:09:24,730 --> 00:09:27,066
I was, like, he's going to eat my toes.
What the fuck.
213
00:09:27,149 --> 00:09:28,067
[crowd laughing]
214
00:09:28,150 --> 00:09:29,735
I got no toes, either.
215
00:09:29,819 --> 00:09:34,657
-[crowd laughing]
-[Sam chuckles]
216
00:09:34,740 --> 00:09:37,201
Then he kept passing
prime rape real estate.
217
00:09:37,285 --> 00:09:39,161
With every pass I got more confident.
218
00:09:39,620 --> 00:09:42,206
He passed a big,
dark open field and I was like...
219
00:09:42,290 --> 00:09:44,292
-Tina tena tuna!
-[crowd laughing]
220
00:09:44,667 --> 00:09:47,545
Then he passed the alleyway
with mad dumpsters. I was like...
221
00:09:47,628 --> 00:09:49,255
[louder voice] Tina tena tuna!
222
00:09:49,338 --> 00:09:52,341
By the time I got to my house,
I felt like Mario when he gets the flag.
223
00:09:52,425 --> 00:09:53,509
Bitch you ain't stopping me.
224
00:09:53,593 --> 00:09:55,595
[crowd laughing]
225
00:09:56,470 --> 00:09:58,806
I hate how confident
men get to be in this world.
226
00:09:58,889 --> 00:10:01,100
Men are so fucking confident.
Ya'll don't even see that.
227
00:10:01,183 --> 00:10:02,935
You walk around like, fuck it.
228
00:10:03,352 --> 00:10:06,439
It's amazing as a woman
to watch this shit. Like, holy shit.
229
00:10:06,564 --> 00:10:09,066
I have a little more confidence
than the average woman.
230
00:10:09,150 --> 00:10:11,152
It's just cause I dress like a nigga,
you know?
231
00:10:11,736 --> 00:10:14,196
Like I don't know
if this is the type of gay I am,
232
00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:16,616
but it keeps
my rape numbers way down.
233
00:10:16,699 --> 00:10:17,617
[crowd laughing]
234
00:10:17,700 --> 00:10:19,702
Walk around like,
ain't no one gonna fuck with me.
235
00:10:19,785 --> 00:10:21,120
[crowd laughing]
236
00:10:21,203 --> 00:10:23,581
I probably really wanna wear a skit.
237
00:10:23,664 --> 00:10:24,540
[crowd laughing]
238
00:10:24,999 --> 00:10:27,543
Dudes don't give a fuck.
They're just living out here.
239
00:10:27,627 --> 00:10:30,254
I went to my homeboys house
at 2 AM. 2 AM.
240
00:10:30,338 --> 00:10:33,132
Kicked the door open
it was unlocked. Boom.
241
00:10:33,215 --> 00:10:35,801
He was asleep on the couch.
Didn't fucking move.
242
00:10:35,885 --> 00:10:36,719
[crowd laughing]
243
00:10:36,802 --> 00:10:41,140
Didn't fucking move.
Asleep on the couch, topless. Like this.
244
00:10:41,265 --> 00:10:43,559
Lions don't even sleep like this.
245
00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:44,852
[crowd laughing]
246
00:10:44,935 --> 00:10:48,314
Your stomach is the most sensitive part
of your body, as a mammal.
247
00:10:48,773 --> 00:10:52,443
Everyone knows to protect it.
Not him. He's like what up? Come at me.
248
00:10:52,526 --> 00:10:54,528
[crowd laughing]
249
00:10:54,612 --> 00:10:57,990
Meanwhile, I sleep in fetal,
every night, just concerned.
250
00:10:58,908 --> 00:11:01,619
I check my doorknob,
three times, before I shower.
251
00:11:01,702 --> 00:11:03,412
This guy's just running around.
252
00:11:09,210 --> 00:11:11,045
White women, stop being so annoying.
253
00:11:11,128 --> 00:11:12,838
[crowd laughing]
254
00:11:12,922 --> 00:11:15,758
That was a leap, but it's real.
Ya'll are fucking irritating.
255
00:11:15,841 --> 00:11:17,093
[crowd laughing]
256
00:11:17,176 --> 00:11:20,596
Ya'll gotta cut this shit out.
And no one is telling ya'll.
257
00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:22,890
You're in this position
where no one gets to be, like,
258
00:11:22,973 --> 00:11:24,308
''Hey bitch we don't like you.''
259
00:11:24,392 --> 00:11:25,226
[crowd laughing]
260
00:11:25,351 --> 00:11:28,062
But I'm telling you as a collective,
people are tired.
261
00:11:28,145 --> 00:11:29,730
[crowd laughing]
262
00:11:29,814 --> 00:11:33,150
You're blogging all the time.
No one gives a shit.
263
00:11:34,193 --> 00:11:36,862
Your crochet blogs.
Whatever the fuck you're doing.
264
00:11:37,363 --> 00:11:39,365
Go get a job. Leave people alone.
265
00:11:39,448 --> 00:11:40,282
[crowd laughing]
266
00:11:40,408 --> 00:11:43,744
This white lady moved into my building.
She's the first gentrifier.
267
00:11:43,828 --> 00:11:45,913
This is why I hate people
that gentrify neighborhoods.
268
00:11:45,996 --> 00:11:49,709
It's not cause you want rent cheap.
You're changing it to your suburb.
269
00:11:50,126 --> 00:11:53,629
Bitch moved in. First day,
she opens her window while we're smoking.
270
00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:55,715
Could you not do that down here?
271
00:11:56,340 --> 00:11:58,592
Like, ''Bitch, no, this is East Harlem.''
272
00:11:58,676 --> 00:11:59,510
[crowd laughing]
273
00:11:59,593 --> 00:12:01,262
''This is the smoking stoop.''
274
00:12:01,345 --> 00:12:02,596
[crowd laughing]
275
00:12:02,680 --> 00:12:04,515
''It's where the fuck we smoke at.
276
00:12:04,807 --> 00:12:08,519
You don't wanna smell weed,
pay more rent. What's wrong with you?
277
00:12:09,687 --> 00:12:11,522
You annoying ass lady.''
278
00:12:11,605 --> 00:12:14,108
[crowd laughing, wowing and applauding]
279
00:12:14,900 --> 00:12:18,362
I don't even think about this anymore.
White people is confusing.
280
00:12:18,446 --> 00:12:21,323
If you're a person of color, you get it.
They confuse you.
281
00:12:21,615 --> 00:12:25,035
Ya'll confuse us, everyday. You do shit
and it's so confusing.
282
00:12:25,119 --> 00:12:29,039
It can become stressful trying to wrap
our brains behind why you do what you do.
283
00:12:29,123 --> 00:12:33,252
I figured out why and I'm at peace.
I wanna offer this to any person of color.
284
00:12:33,419 --> 00:12:35,129
White people are aliens.
285
00:12:35,296 --> 00:12:36,255
[crowd laughing]
286
00:12:36,338 --> 00:12:38,674
It's a very simple solution
to these problems.
287
00:12:38,758 --> 00:12:40,259
They're not from this fucking planet.
288
00:12:40,843 --> 00:12:44,972
You don't have to be worried.
They're just fucking aliens. I promise.
289
00:12:45,431 --> 00:12:48,851
I'm not an idiot. I see you white man.
I'm not stupid. I'm not dumb.
290
00:12:48,976 --> 00:12:51,228
I'm not saying this in no dumb,
crazy way.
291
00:12:51,353 --> 00:12:54,732
I'm not saying ''Pull off your head.''
Then there's an alien head under.
292
00:12:54,815 --> 00:12:59,236
Like I'm fucking stupid, no.
I'm saying genetically, not from here.
293
00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:01,280
-[crowd laughing]
-[shouting] Genetically.
294
00:13:01,405 --> 00:13:04,575
Something in your makeup don't match
what the fuck we be doing.
295
00:13:05,576 --> 00:13:08,037
-And that's just science.
-[crowd laughing]
296
00:13:08,162 --> 00:13:10,915
I'm just speaking science
and there's so much to back it up.
297
00:13:10,998 --> 00:13:14,502
You ever seen a white person jogging
with shorts, a tank top, and ear muffs?
298
00:13:14,585 --> 00:13:15,795
Like, what the fuck is that?
299
00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:17,671
[crowd laughing]
300
00:13:17,755 --> 00:13:20,716
That's because their alien receptors
are in their ears.
301
00:13:20,966 --> 00:13:22,968
Gotta keep the fucking ears warm.
302
00:13:23,052 --> 00:13:25,054
[crowd laughing]
303
00:13:26,388 --> 00:13:28,349
You ever wonder
why we keep having to explain
304
00:13:28,432 --> 00:13:29,558
why human lives matter?
305
00:13:29,767 --> 00:13:31,644
Cause they not fucking human.
306
00:13:31,727 --> 00:13:33,229
[crowd applauding and cheering]
307
00:13:33,312 --> 00:13:36,482
If they were we wouldn't
keep having to have this conversation.
308
00:13:37,316 --> 00:13:41,278
But we keep repeating it
because it's not digesting properly.
309
00:13:42,071 --> 00:13:43,864
They got thin ass noses.
310
00:13:44,865 --> 00:13:46,909
They do. Thin fucking noses.
311
00:13:47,284 --> 00:13:50,037
Some of you think, not me.
That's cause you've been fucking us a lot,
312
00:13:50,120 --> 00:13:51,247
genetically it's confused.
313
00:13:51,372 --> 00:13:54,208
But, what you bring to the table?
Thin nose. Why?
314
00:13:54,333 --> 00:13:57,753
Cause whatever you planet you from,
no oxygen. Didn't need to really breathe.
315
00:13:57,837 --> 00:14:01,549
[crowd laughing and applauding]
316
00:14:01,632 --> 00:14:04,218
And finally,
and this is a major fucking key.
317
00:14:04,301 --> 00:14:06,345
The sun kills white people, ya'll.
318
00:14:06,428 --> 00:14:07,513
[crowd laughing]
319
00:14:07,596 --> 00:14:08,806
It murders them.
320
00:14:08,889 --> 00:14:12,351
The one thing on this planet
everything thrives under, kills ya'll.
321
00:14:13,018 --> 00:14:15,563
This is white people science.
Ya'll taught me this shit.
322
00:14:15,646 --> 00:14:19,233
Ya'll taught me Eskimos have
slanted eyes cause they're from this area.
323
00:14:19,316 --> 00:14:20,776
You'll adapt eventually.
324
00:14:20,943 --> 00:14:23,529
You been here a thousand years
and still haven't developed melanin.
325
00:14:23,612 --> 00:14:24,989
Alien as fuck.
326
00:14:25,072 --> 00:14:26,657
[crowd cheering and applauding]
327
00:14:26,740 --> 00:14:28,284
Hey, goodnight. Ya'll are dope.
328
00:14:28,409 --> 00:14:34,665
-[crowd cheering and applauding]
-[theme music]
329
00:14:34,715 --> 00:14:39,265
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