All language subtitles for The Best Laid Plans s01e01 Heres The Deal.eng

(Traffic rumbles)

National News Anchor: ...stay
with us here at the decision desk

as we bring you
election results

from coast to coast to coast.

As Canadians go to the polls

for the fourth time
in six years.

(Heavy breathing, moaning)

Daniel: Shoes, shoes.
Take-take 'em off.

(Heavy breathing, moaning)

Rachel: Oh, God. My
heart is racing.

Daniel: Mine too. Mine too.
Mine too.

Rachel: I should just
check the Twitter feed.

Daniel: No, no, no. Do it later.

Rachel: We only have 15 minutes
before George's victory rally.

Daniel: That-that-that's
plenty of time.

Rachel:
Okay. Let's go to the back.

National News Anchor:
...Let's take another look

at province by province analysis
of party penetration.

Rachel: Life doesn't get
any better than this!

Agghhh!

Whoa!

(Laughing)

Daniel: Okay.
Rachel: Yeah!

Oh! Oh! Oh!
(Rachel laughs)

National News Anchor: The polls have just
closed in Newfoundland and Labrador.

Cannonball!

Daniel: Yeah. Yeah. Good.
Good. That's good.

National News Anchor: Key metrics
in these three swing ridings,

seem to indicate
that the prime minister,

Dianne Gagnon,

will form yet another
minority government.

Rachel:
Premature transmission.

Daniel:
What?

Rachel: They released the results
before the polls closed in B.C.

Daniel: That's a
violation of section 329

of the Canada Elections Act.

This is a big,
big disappointment

to opposition leader
George Quimby.

(Phones suddenly erupt,
buzzing and ringing)

- Where is my phone?!
- Where is my phone?!

Daniel:
According to legend,

Ottawa gets its name
from an old Algonquin word

meaning "Lets make a deal."

For some people,
that's how politics is...

A whole lot of wheeling
and dealing.

After you've worked here
for a while,

it's hard to disagree.

My name is Daniel Addison.

Five years ago,
I arrived on Parliament Hill

with a PhD
in Canadian literature,

a copy of Orwell's "Politics
and the English Language,"

and dreams of crafting speeches
of such clarity, eloquence

and persuasive power

that they would rouse Canadians
from their apathy,

and spark an outbreak of lively,
intelligent discourse.

Female tourist: 'Scuse me!
Hi. Do you work here?

Why yes I do.

We're having a fight about
the Queen and the Parliament.

Ah, yes. Many people
are confused by the nature

of our Constitutional Monarchy...

Female tourist:
Does she live there?

Oh, that's actually
the Peace Tower.

Have a nice day.

Whoa!

(Door creaks open and shut)

George Quimby:
Merci de monsieur le president,

our leader, George Quimby.

A good man, a decent man...

With all of the star quality
of a low-fat muffin.

George Quimby:...Les actes brutaux
commis par le gouvernment de suede...

Daniel: (Winces)
No, not Sweden... Syria.

George:
De La syrie...

Stanton:
Addison.

Bradley Stanton.

George's chief of staff,
and veteran spinmeister.

His one goal in life:

To get the party and himself
back in power.

- Hey.
- Hey.

What's that?

This is George's speech

for the Economic Club
this afternoon.

I'll take that.

Uh, George asked me
to give it to him myself...

Relax. He'll have plenty
of time...

- He specifically asked...
- Just gonna do a quick scan

- directly into his hands.
- before I hand it over.

Hmm.

Hmm. (Chuckles)

(Laughs)

Addison, you are a genius.
Seriously.

You are the best speechwriter
we've ever had.

Oh, thank you.

I-I was really trying to strike
the perfect balance

between scolding
the banks while not...

What-what are you
doing?

Just a quick punch up.

Right.

Daniel: Every Tuesday we
gather in Stanton's office

for a "Thought Shower,"
as he calls it.

It's bad science.
It's bad public policy.

It does nothing to address
the real root of crime

in poverty
and youth unemployment.

(All in agreement)
Hmm-hmm. Yeah.

Stanton:
I disagree.

Daniel:
Why?

Stanton: Prisons. No prisons.
The base doesn't care.

Daniel: Well, if the base doesn't
care, then we have nothing to lose...

Stanton: But 21 percent
of "Security Moms" think

our party is soft on crime.

Daniel: So?

It's an easy get.
Low hanging fruit.

You know, I read somewhere
that low hanging fruit

is actually
the last to get picked.

Next.

Electoral reform.

Doesn't play.
We're dropping it.

Whoa!
Are you serious?

Electoral reform was one
of the central planks of our...

Yeah, well, John Q. Taxpayer
thinks it's a snore.

Last item.

We're down to the final two
choices for eye glasses.

Option number one.

Option number two.

Number two it is.
Thank you.

Boys and girls,

I know it's summer
and the house is in recess,

but we need to be ready
to hit the ground running

for a fall election,

because, as you know, Canadians
deserve the chance to choose.

So stay keen, stay sharp.

Class dismissed.

(Claps) Go get 'em!

(Chatter)

I'll-I'll see you later.

(Moans, yawning)

Hey.

Hey.

You had a late night?

Strategy meeting
with Warrington.

Pipeline, native rights,
blah, blah, blah.

Hey, did you change
the password?

I can't get online.

Oh, yeah, Warrington's idea.

Are we out of soy butter?

- Why?
- Why?!

Oh, yeah, he, uh...

Was worried about staffer's
accounts being hacked.

So listen, I was thinking

maybe we could get away
this weekend.

I'm hearing about
this hotel in St. Foy.

It's in an old mill
they've turned it...

Are you kidding?

Why?
What's wrong with...

You heard Stanton.

We can't afford
to take time off right now.

We have to be ready to hit
the ground running in the fall.

I don't know,
four elections in six years,

don't you think voters
might be getting a little sick

of going to the polls?

Daniel, Canadians deserve
a chance to choose.

Right.
Yeah. Totally.

The important thing is not
to let the cynicism get to you;

to remember that politics

really is the art
of the possible;

that good ideas
can still prevail;

that individuals really can
make a difference.

Let me get this straight,

you want me to write a speech
about the tar sands...

Oil sands.

Referring to them
as "ethical oil"

Yup.

And using the term
"job gusher."

That's it.

So nine months ago
I wrote a speech for George

in which he referred
to the tar sands

as an ecological holocaust,

and he compared using bitumen
to "burning a Picasso for heat."

An expression, by the way,
which you insisted that I use.

Right. So?

So it's a complete
freaking flip-flop.

No...
We're walking it back.

- To a flip-flop.
Stanton: - To a pivot.

We're going in circles here,
Addison.

Right.

So words mean the opposite now?

Is that what this is?

Is that why we're the party
in opposition?

Jesus. Just do your job,
would you?

Without all the attitude.

Technically, I was hired...

178-billion barrels of oil
in the ground

and we're supposed
to just leave it there?

With 28 seats in Alberta?

It's basic math, Addison.

I would like to speak
with Warrington.

He is the energy critic

and he would never
approve this...

This comes directly
from Warrington.

I don't believe you...

Addison, you're a speechwriter.

You're a dime a dozen.

Leave policy-making
to the professionals, capiche?

Okay.

(Computer keys clack)

Ethical oil...

Job gusher...

Maybe throw in a line
about women's rights.

What?

You know, Fort McMurray
versus Saudi Arabia.

(Chuckles)

You know chicks over there,

they aren't even
allowed to drive?

How messed up is that?

Wow.

"Canada is one of
the best places in the world

to be a woman...

Why?

No.

"Every barrel of conflict oil

goes towards
the very repression..."

(Computer keys clack)

"The choice is clear:
Democracy or Petrocracy."

Sir Wilfrid Laurier,

seventh Prime Minister
of Canada.

Personal hero of mine.

"For my part,
I ask only one thing,

that we be judged
according to our principles."

I need to talk to Warrington.

This part of centre block
is hallowed ground for me...

filled with images
of men and women

who have spent their lives
in service to their country...

So I'll try and stay
within the bounds

of parliamentary language

in describing
what happened next.

(Heavy breathing, moaning)

There was Rachel, on her knees,

in front of Warrington,

enthusiastically lobbying
his caucus.

(Rachel moans with pleasure)

It didn't take long before
dick Warrington begged leave

to introduce
a private member's bill.

They were well on their way
to royal assent

when I rose
on a point of privilege...

But changed my mind.

(Vomits)

I'm well out of it...

all that horse-trading,
backstabbing, power-grubbing.

It's all for the best.

It's time to move on.

In politics,
leaving your options open...

standard operating procedure.

I'd recently received
a letter of inquiry

from my old Alma Mater,

asking if I'd be interested
in teaching

in the department of English.

I hadn't exactly
turned him down.

Phillip: Yes. The
position is still open.

Part-time for now.

But it could turn
into something more...

tenure track,
for the right person...

Hmm... with, say, a PhD
in the socio-historical origins

of Canadian literary humour?

And your connections
ain't bad either.

May I ask why you chose
to leave politics?

I've always felt most at home
in an academic environment.

Stanton:
It's a knife to the heart!

With an election
on the horizon,

you just abandon ship,

leaving us in the lurch
without a shred of remorse!

I apologize
for the short notice.

However, I do take comfort
in the knowledge

that guys like me
are a dime a dozen.

George: W-we appreciate
all you've done for us.

You're the best, Addington.

It's Addison.

George:
Of course.

Well, thank you, George.

And best of luck to you
and to the party.

George:
Where will you be going?

Oh, I'm taking a job
at the University of Ottawa.

Hoping to find a place
in Cumberland,

on the river.

It's a nice commute.

Cumberland?

Eric Cameron's riding.

Do we have a candidate?

Not yet.

Ha! Ha!
Good luck with that.

Safest seat in all of Canada.

What?

Oh, no. No, no, no.
No, no, no.

We can't let Cameron
run unopposed.

That would be wrong.

It's a matter of principle.

It's a matter of pride.

Forget it.

Find yourself another
useful idiot

because I am done.

George: You're breaking
my heart, Daniel.

Well, I'm sorry, George.
I am really.

You little piece of merde!

After all this party
has done for you.

Done for me?

We made you, we can break you.

Are you aware that everything
you say is a cliche?

You don't want me
as your enemy.

Why? What are you
going to do?

Fit me for a pair
of cement shoes

and throw me
in the Ottawa River?

I'm just saying, I hope
you've been very careful

with your tax returns

for the last,
I don't know, seven years.

(Chuckles)
What kind of threat is that?

A call to CRA,
from a highly-placed source.

Oh, come on.

Not to mention the RCMP.

I'm sure they'd be
very interested

to learn about
your drug dealing days.

My what?
I didn't even smoke pot.

Says you.

Not to mention
the sexual harassment charges.

Daniel.

No, George, there was no
sexual harassment of any kind!

And once that gets out there,

you can kiss your cushy
university job goodbye.

Why? What? George!

Daniel, I don't want
to pressure you,

but I would take it
as a personal favour

if you would just help us out.

You can have a free hand
with the campaign.

Run it however you like.

This party desperately needs
people with your integrity.

Fine. Fine.
I will do this.

I will do this for you.

I'll find a candidate.
I'll run the campaign.

But once it's over,
that's it, I'm out.

Stanton:
Great.

Good. Good.

We won't forget this,
Addington.

Daniel:
Addison.

Of course.

Yeah.

Student: Hey, dude, are
you looking to share?

'Cause my friends and I got
this totally ill crib

down in Orleans.

Five bedrooms, four guys,

rabbit named Chet,
Chet's a bro,

a dishwasher...
George Foreman grill.

Actually looking for a place
for myself,

but, uh, thanks, dude.

Yeah. All right,
no problem.

- Peace out, bro.
- Right on.

Sincerity...

I've almost forgotten
what it sounds like.

Caller 1:
It just makes me sick.

It's a total waste
of taxpayers money.

Radio host:
Okay, thank you.

Francine from Gatineau?
Your thoughts?

Caller 2: Haven't the opposition
got better things to be doing

than forcing another election
on us?

The whole thing is a scandal,

even worse than those senators.
I am fed up.

Radio host:
Thank you.

We have time
for one more caller.

Jonathan from Kanata.
Your thoughts?

Caller 3: Yeah, I'll tell
you the problem: Karlsson.

He's too focused on offense.

Just cause he won
the Norris Trophy

he thinks he can run around
chasing pucks

in the neutral zone.

Radio host: Sorry. What does all
this have to do with the possibility

of a fall election.

Caller 3: Oh. I heard you
mention the senators.

I thought you were talking
about last night's game.

(Laughs) I don't know nothing
about politics.

(Door creaks open)

(Knocks)

Not interested!
Goodbye.

Cheeriou the nou!

Daniel: Oh no! I-I'm here
about the apartment.

We spoke on the phone.

My name is Daniel Addison.

Ah. Sorry.
Ma heid's mince.

Come in. Come in.
Won't be a moment.

Oh. Ah, here you go.

Oh, thank you.

Not that I get much joy
out of it.

Yesterday, I read an article
on sewage treatment.

The writer didn't appear
to know the difference between

"affluent" and "effluent."

Make yourself comfortable.
I won't be a moment.

(Birds sing outside)

(Footsteps patter)

My wife usually handles
the rentals.

Oh, is she...
is she out of town?

Ah. Here we are.

(Keys jingle)

It's a beautiful set.

It belonged to my grandfather.

Daniel:
I love to play.

Haven't had much time lately,
but I hope to. Soon.

Well, come on,
I'll show you the apartment.

The river's down there.

You're welcome to swim anytime.

I've got my workshop
over there.

I like to putter around.

Otherwise,

you'll find
it's pretty quiet here.

Let's go in.

Now, let's see.

Bedroom.
Bathroom.

Kitchen.

Storage closet.

That's it.

Not too small, I hope.

Oh, no, no.

This is exactly
what I was looking for.

My wife-
there is no lease,

but may I ask what you do?
Professionally?

I'm a speechwriter for
the leader of the opposition.

Or rather, I was.

I've taken a job teaching
English at the U of O.

I'm trying to get as far away
from politics as possible.

(Chuckles) You've obviously
never attended

a faculty meeting.

I speak from experience.

Twenty-four years
in the writhing snakepit

known as the department
of engineering.

Ah...

I should tell you,

there's a few other people
interested in the place.

Oh?

Drop in on me I' the bygaun.

We'll have a game.

After you've settled in.

You mean...?

So should I call
your wife, or...

(Emotional) My wife died...

Eleven months ago.

I'm so sorry.

Yes... it's a...

Get me 12 post-dated cheques
by Tuesday midnight

and it's all yours.

(Church bells ring
in the distance)

Daniel: In politics, luck
and timing are everything.

Take Eric Cameron,

he happens to get elected
Finance Minister

at the start
of the greatest economic boom

since the Second World War.

Eric Cameron: Canada is and
always has been our country.

A country built with
old-fashioned values.

Announcer: Eric Cameron stands to
protect nature and the economy.

And not to be crass,

the death of his wife
one year ago

and the TV broadcast
of her funeral

didn't exactly hurt
his approval rating.

Only one person from our party
has had the temerity

to run against him.

Again my name
is Muriel Parkinson.

Daniel: I met her once.
She's a real trooper.

And with only four days
to find a candidate

I'm thinking Muriel might enjoy

one more ride
on the merry-go-round.

Hello.
Hello.

Man:
No, no, no, no.

(Splat) Oof!

(Gasps)

I'm okay.
I'm okay.

(Sighs, winces)

(Applauding)

Thank you, thank you very much.

A-ha!
Of course.

(Cheering and laughing)

Excuse me, hi,
I'm looking for...

You're the guy that just did
the salchow outside?

Yes. Yes I am.

(Laughs) Quite the performance.

I'm so pleased
that you enjoyed it.

Can't wait to see
your long program.

(Laughing)

Ah, Muriel Parkinson?

Ah, in the common room.
Over there.

Thank you.

No, no, thank you!

(Applause)

Hi, Muriel.

I'm Daniel Addison.

We met a few years ago
at the last candidates school.

Do you remember?

Oh, no, no, no.

I was wondering if I could
just have a few moments...

No, no.
I've done my bid.

Get yourself
another sacrificial lamb.

Cumberland Prescott-security!
Security!

Jerry: All right, Sonny
boy, you can go home.

The lady's not for turning.

Jerry. Jerry.
It's okay.

It's okay, I can manage.

Really.

Ow!

Jerry and I knew each other
in high school.

He used to write me love poems
in math class.

Life can be very strange,
Daniel.

So you've come to ask me
to run again.

How did you know?

That unmistakable air
of desperation.

Would you consider it?

Daniel, my boy,
I'm 73 years old.

I have hypertension,
I have balance problems,

a tricky knee.

I am not your candidate.

I'm sorry.

(Defeated sigh)

Can't say I blame you.

Oh, don't take it personally.

I'd probably feel the same way.

A little light reading?

Hmm. Yes, I'm a longtime fan
of Marin Lee.

I had no idea feminists
could be funny.

No, that came out wrong.

I meant I really admired her.

Yeah, it was a great loss.

She had what my granny
would have called gumption.

- Like you.
- Me?

Please, you ran against
Eric Cameron five times

with no hope of winning.

If that's not gumption...

Call it pigheadedness.

I don't like Cameron.
I don't trust him,

although I can't put my finger
on it exactly...

Too good to be true?

Exactly.
Exactly.

Just waiting for the wheels
to fall off.

Well, that could take awhile.

In the meantime,

I need to find a candidate.
Fast.

Well, Muriel,

it was very nice
seeing you again.

You know, it's because
of people like you

that I joined this party.

Daniel.

Daniel, I won't run,
but I will help.

I'll give you
a list of names...

some party supporters
who might be willing

to run against Cameron
and a good cause.

Yes, thank you.
That would be very helpful.

Well, don't get too excited.

There're only nine of them.

Ever since I read

"Sunshine Sketches of a Little Town,"

I've dreamed of living
in a place like this.

Clean air, friendly people,

a land of hope and sunshine.

Hi.

(Practices his pronunciation)
Mukopadhyay. Mukopadhyay.

Sanjay Mukopadhyay.

Mukopadhyay.

Sanjay: Better for
low pressure, okay?

Is that everything,
Mrs. Allison?

Mrs. Allison yes. Oh, yes.
I need a shower curtain.

Sanjay:
Aisle five.

- Thanks, dear.
- You're welcome.

Daniel:
Mr. Mukopadhyay?

You practiced that, didn't you?

Yes. Sir,
my name is Daniel Addison.

I just moved here.
I wanted to say hello.

Well, welcome to Cumberland.

Mrs. Allison:
And egg timers?

Sanjay:
Aisle nine, Mrs. Allison.

So I understand
you're the president

of the Business Improvement
Association.

That's right.

Mrs. Allison:
Melon ballers?

Sanjay:
By the cash.

Oh, okay.

Sorry, Mr. Addison,
so what can I help you with?

A candidate.

Mrs. Allison:
And I need a key cut.

Sanjay: Jeremy, can you cut a key for Mrs.
Allison, please!

Jeremy:
Yeah, no problem.

Mrs. Allison:
Thanks, dear.

Sanjay: No problem, Mrs. Allison.
Have a nice day.

Great.

Sorry.
So what did you say?

I'm here to ask
if you'd consider

running against Eric Cameron.

Shhh.

Keep your voice down.

Do you think I want
"Cameron Nation"

knowing that I didn't vote
for their man?

Cameron Nation?

Around here, Cameron is God.

You can't say
the littlest thing critical

without getting into trouble.

And with the big box store
opening up downtown,

I can't afford to lose
anymore customers.

Okay, but if you run for office

you'd have a chance
to get that on the agenda.

Give people a chance to talk

about what they want
for their downtown.

No, sorry, it's too risky.

- Just...
- No.

Just take-take a day
to think about it.

No, no, no.
Listen.

I don't need a day.
I don't need an hour, okay?

I'm not your candidate.

Now is there anything else
I can help you with?

Basket strainer.

Aisle nine.
Nine.

Sarah Morgenstern.

Okay. Here we go.

Daniel: And as a
longtime party supporter,

I'm sure you'll agree

we can't just let Cameron
walk away without a fight.

No, indeed.
It's a travesty.

Not to mention undemocratic.

There are some serious issues

that need to be discussed
in this election.

Yeah. And without
a credible opponent,

that won't happen.

I totally agree.

Okay.

So how much do you need?

I'm sorry, what?

You're looking for a donation?

For your campaign.

Oh, me?
God, no.

I'm not running.

Then why are you...

I was thinking
you could be our candidate.

- Me?
- Yes.

Uh...
(Nervous chuckle)

Daniel, I'm...
I'm flattered.

It's an honour to be asked.

But I've got responsibilities
to my customers,

my business.

It's a very demanding job.

Come back during rrsp season,

it's a zoo.

Thanks so much for stopping by.

Okay. You know what?
Take a calendar.

Hmm?

No.

(Defeated exhale)

(Phone rings)

Daniel:
Hey, Bradley.

Danny boy, how's it going?

Oh, swell.

So who's our candidate?

Daniel:
No-one,

and I am out of options.

What?

Yeah, Bradley, nobody wants
to run against a candidate

who has a ninety-six percent
approval rating.

Listen, Addison.

We had a deal, okay?

You find me a candidate
and I don't wreck your life!

Okay, look, look, look.

Bradley, I'm doing
my best here, okay?

It's done.

Eric Cameron has this town
in a stranglehold.

You want stranglehold?
I'll show you stranglehold.

Here.

You're just not trying
hard enough.

I have a list.

Sir, hi.
I'm Daniel Addison,

i wanted to talk to you about
maybe you running for office.

Why?

Well, so you can talk about
things that matter to you.

Things that matter to me?

Yeah. Like, uh, healthcare
or free trade.

Immigration policy.

Sure. Yes, making Canada
a more welcoming society.

No, I'm talking about
all them foreigners

coming over here
from who-knows-where

taking all our jobs.

Right, well, we've always
favoured an open door policy...

And the gays.

(Faintly) And the gays.

We allow them in the military,

and we don't let our kids
celebrate Christmas?

Yeah, I think-and
another thing: UFOs.

There is a whole department
in Ottawa

dedicated to covering up
the truth about them.

I wanted to talk to you

about maybe running
against Eric Cameron.

I am Daniel Addison.

I wonder if you ever considered
running for office

'cause you are just
the type of candidate

Cumberland Prescott needs.

(Gravel crunches under wheels)

(Door shuts)

Hi.

You're smoking again?

Stress. You know.

Aren't you going
to invite me in?

(Door creaks open)

Okay.

(Rachel clears her throat)

It's a nice place.

I always wanted to live
on the river.

Daniel, about what happened,

I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

It wasn't my finest moment.

And just so you know
it wasn't about you.

It was...
Kissinger Syndrome.

Kissinger Syndrome?

What, a blatant disregard
for international law

and human rights?

No, a momentary attraction
to a powerful, older man.

But once I figured that out
it was over.

Daniel, I miss what we had.

All those late-night
strategy meetings.

They're just not the same
without you.

Remember that fight we had
over what we should be saying

during the EU Free Trade
negotiations?

I remember
what came afterwards.

Nobody does it better, Daniel.

Rachel I...

And that's why,

when Stanton asked me
to come here...

Whoa.
Whoa whoa whoa!

Stanton?

Yes. He was hoping -
we're all hoping...

That you'll come back

and help Quimby
with the debate prep.

My God, I'm such an idiot.

What?

I thought that...
I actually thought...

You know what?
It doesn't matter.

You should go now.

Why?
W-what did I do?

Look, Rachel,

I don't want anything
to do with politics

or you ever again,
do understand me?

Oh, Daniel,

why do you always have to take
everything so personally?

(Rachel slams the door,
Daniel scoffs)

Daniel:
There's an old cliche

that a week is a long time
in politics.

Well, for the broken-hearted,
a week is nothing.

It's a blink of the eye.

It's a drop in the ocean
of longing and self-pity.

(Rachael screaming)

Daniel: There you go. Okay.
See. Jump. Jump.

Shoo!
Ooh. Good job.

Okay. Bye bye.

Off you go.

Oh! I hate raccoons.
They're sneaky.

Yeah, I know.
Me too.

They're pushy too,

with their little
stubby fingers.

(Relieved sigh)

What were you doing
when I called?

Ah. I was researching
for George's speech

to the Dairy Farmers
Association.

Sounds fascinating.

Oh, believe me.

Did you know that cows

produce over 25 gallons
of saliva every day.

No!

It's true, it's true.

Also, they have no upper teeth.

How do they get the grass
into their mouths?

They use their tongues.

And, um, no two holsteins
have the same pattern.

Shut up!

I have no reason to lie to you.

Rachel: I can't have
sex on Wednesday.

Dick's got a meeting
with a constituent.

Okay. Thursday?

MacLeans interview.

You have to be there?

He needs backup.

Okay, Friday I'm gone.
How is Saturday?

Saturday...
yeah. I guess.

As long us it's not too late.
Nothing fancy.

I have to meet my trainer
in the morning.

Okay.
Sex on Saturday!

Sounds great.
Can't wait.

Gotta run.
Okay.

Anyway, I've learned my lesson.

Love and politics...
Just don't mix.

(Computer beeps)

What the hell is that?

(Paper rustles)

Goddamnit!
They can't do that to me!

I'll nae put up with that!

(Knocks)

Something wrong?

Wrong? It's torture.
It's a travesty.

It's the goddamn
seventh circle of hell.

Can I get you a glass of water
or something?

(Snaps fingers)
Lagavulin. A large one.

Daniel:
Okay.

(Breathes heavily)

Bad news?

That's a masterpiece
of understatement, Dr. Addison.

It's just a letter asking you

if you'll teach
an English class

to first year engineers.

Exactly!

What's so terrible about that?

They're unteachable!

They wouldn't know
English literature

if it threw up on them!

The only thing they care about
is beer and video games.

But every five years
I've been forced to take it on.

Last year nearly killed me.

The only thing
that got me through

the long and tedious hours

was the knowledge that
the next time my number came up,

I'd be retired.

Or so I thought.

So, if you did it last year,
aren't you off the hook?

Due to a bizarre confluence
of illnesses, sabbaticals,

and "early" retirements,

I'm back in the running.

Is there's anything you can do
to get out of it?

Short of releasing
a fistful of antimatter

in the faculty building,
none that occurs to me.

(Chuckles)

I'm going to siphon
the wee python.

I didn't know engineers
were allowed

to have feminist literature
on their premises.

A popular stereotype
and not without reason.

Those books belonged
to my wife.

Marin Lee...

It's the second time her name
has come up this week.

Is that so?

Daniel: I met her once
at a student conference.

She was wickedly funny.

Sexy as hell.
I was smitten.

(Chuckles)

I'm sure Marin would be
pleased to know

that such a discriminating fan

was living in our guest house.

Sorry, what?

I was married to Marin Lee
for forty years.

Oh, I'm so sorry,
I meant no offense.

None taken.

And yes, she was sexy as hell.

(Laughs)

I miss her more than I can say.

Agh! Marin would have told me
to brace up.

She would have said
that our liberal education

is one of the pillars
of democracy.

Of course, she never had
to teach the little twerps.

Oh, God.

I'll ne'er endure it.

What I wouldn't give
for a pair of Ruby slippers

and a ticket to Oz.

Angus,
you're a Canadian citizen?

For forty years.

And you're over eighteen.

Not sure where you're going
with this, lad.

I have a proposal for you.

What if I were to take over

your English for engineers
class?

(Laughing)

You?
Take over my class?

That's the idea.

Pull the other one,
it plays jingle bells.

No, I'm serious.

Did ye not hear what I said?

It's trench warfare.

You'd nae survive
with your faculties intact.

Be that as it may,

I'm in the English department.

I'm willing to take on
your burden.

You sound lightheaded, lad.
Let me get you something to eat.

And all I ask in return

is that you to agree to run
as a candidate

in Cumberland Prescott?

Are you stark-raving bonkers?

Hear me out.

I'm not asking you
to do anything more

than just put your name
on the ballot.

Hey, look, Eric Cameron,
he's got this riding

in the palm of his hand
and nothing...

nothing is going
to change that.

You could be
the invisible candidate.

The Scarlet Pimpernel
of Cumberland Prescott.

We need more Lagavulin.

(Glasses clink)

Angus:
Now let me get this straight.

Uh-huh.

You are going
to take over my class.

Correct.

And in return, I do what?

- Nothing!
- Nothing.

No. Nothing.

You sign the papers
and that's all...

You show up
at the nomination meeting.

Ah, no. No. No.
I can't do that.

Okay, okay.
How about...

Maybe an interview.

No interviews.

Okay.
Uh, lawn signs?

No canvassing, no speeches,

no baby-kissing.

I'll make no effort whatsoever.

Why would I?
You promised me I'd lose.

Ah, okay.
Okay, okay.

But I have to do something
to make this look like

an actual campaign.

You're really that desperate?

Oh yeah, really.
Really and truly.

How about a pamphlet?

A pamphlet.

Yeah.
It's a single-sided,

three colours,
a couple of quotes.

We stuff it in mailboxes,
we're done!

One pamphlet in exchange
for teaching my class.

Give me that pen.

Right.

One pamphlet...

(Laughs) Right?

Yeah.

(Laughing)

(Glasses clink)

Free at last.

(Laughing)

Thank God almighty
I am free at last!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Time for a swim!
Care to join me?

No thanks.

(Laughing)

(Groans)

His name is Angus McLintock.

He's a tenured Professor
of engineering at the U of O.

He is a widower.

No criminal record,
to my knowledge.

And I will get you his CV
in the morning. Okay.

(Sighs)

Angus:
O, my luve is
like a red, red rose,

I've come with

the nomination papers!

What?!!

Announcer: Tomorrow...

The campaign is off and running.

Who's your candidate?

(Loud laughter)

We could use all

the help we can get.

Announcer: The Best

Laid Plans, continues

tomorrow at 9:00 on CBC.

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