All language subtitles for Republic of Doyle s03e04 Rusted Steele.eng

[Narrator] Previously
on Republic of Doyle...

[Jake] You know, I'd forgotten

- what a pompus mook you really are
[Garrison] - Mook?

[Garrison] It's not so easy to
get rid of me, Jakey, my boy.

[Garrison] My muse has descended upon us.
Mr. Jake Doyle.

[Mal] This morning you woke up
somewhere, hungover as hell.

You're regressing. And the place
that you're regressing from was

nothing to be proud of.

[Nikki] Something isn't right.

It's David.
I think he's having an affair.

[Jake] David! What the hell?

[David] No, no, no, no, no.
This is not how it seems.

[Tinny] Who's Chandra?

[Des] Nobody.
I'm mean, she's somebody, obviously.

[Des] Hey, Tinny. Tinny!

Hi, Tinny.

[Chandra] So, you're Tinny?
I've heard so much about you.

[Tinny] I've never heard
a thing about you.

[Nikki] I need to meet you.

[Jake] What? Meet me where?

When?

[Nikki] Now.

[Jake] Okay, okay.

[Mal] You have fun, hot stuff?

[Rose] Oh, are you kidding?

Tasting menu at Raymond's?

(Kiss)

[Rose] The best husband in the world?
Somebody raised you right, Malachy Doyle.

[Mal] So, what'll we
have for dessert.

(Kiss)

(Moaning)

[Mal] Is that you?

[Rose] No. Just a sec.

(Moaning)

(Scream)

(Thud!)

[Mal] What in God's name.

- What, what is--
[Kathleen] - Christ, daddy. Hey!

[Mal] - Kathleen, who is-- What are you--
[Kathleen] - Uh...

[Mal] When did you get here?

[Kathleen] Tonight. Cool, hey?

[Kathleen] Hey. Oh! Sorry.

[Rose] Hi.

[Kathleen] Hey Rose.

[Rose] Hi sweetheart.

[Kathleen] You happy to see me?

[Mal] Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, of course.

[Mal] Put a shirt on. Now.

[Kathleen/Tinny] (Cheering)

[Jake] Yeah, of course I want to
see her, but honestly,

I have plans. But if you want I'll
come over to the house now.

(Banging)

(Mumbling)

[Jake] Hello?

Dad, I'll call you back.

[Jake] Whoever you are, I, uh...
Okay, this is probably about the

money I owe you. I understand that.
And I, um, I just, uh...

[Jake] Garrison Steele?

What the-- (Whack!)

[Jake] Ow!

Awwww.

[Garrison] Jake Doyle.
What are you doing in my house?

[Jake] Stupid.
You're in my apartment.

[Garrison] Of course I am.
It is disgusting.

[Jake] What the hell
are you doing here?

[Garrison] Would
you like a drink?

(Vomiting)

[Jake] Oh, dear God.

Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com

♪oh yeah (Oh yeah!)♪

♪oh yeah (Oh yeah!)♪

♪oh yeeeah oh yeeeah♪

♪oh yeah!♪

[Jake] You gotta get
Steele out of here.

[Mal] I'd love to Jake, but
Kathleen's got some friend of

her's, some guy, Eric, or
something, and if I bring

another person into the house, I'm
afraid Rose is gonna leave me.

[Jake] I don't care!
Garrison Steele threw up on my floor.

[Mal] Maybe it's like a gift or something.
He must have missed you.

[Jake] That's so hilarious.

[Mal] She's only just landed and, uh,
there's this scene with this guy.

[Jake] I don't care about any guy, okay?
Just don't leave me

alone with Garrison Steele.

[Garrison] It's so gallant of
you to let me stay here in the

Jake-cave. I appreciate it
more than words can express.

[Garrison] Malachy!
My old friend.

[Mal] Yeah, it's nice to see
you Garrison. You okay?

[Garrison] Why, yes,
actually, I am.

[Jake] You know, if you'd called
I could have booked a hotel.

[Garrison] There's no need.
I-- I like it here.

[Jake] I meant for me.

[Garrison] I brought a gift.

It's all the way from the South of France.
Right here.

[Jake] So-- so what
are you doing here?

You need me to sign over the movie
rights for the "Special Detective" or...

[Garrison] (Crying)

I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have come.

But I need your help.

I true-- I truly do.

[Jake] What's wrong.
You get a bad review?

[Mal] Ignore him, Garrison.
Just tell us what happened.

[Garrison] It's the love of my life.
Tamara. She's gone missing.

[Jake] You love, like, a human?

[Mal] Jake.

[Garrison] Friend to friend.
Man to man. I need your help.

[Mal] Give us a minute Garrison.

[Mal] He's in rough shape here.

Be a man. Let's help him.

[Mal] Why don't you
help him yourself?

(Thud)

[Mal] I think this might
be a two-man job.

(Kissing)

[Kathleen] So, Tinny. You're sick.
I called school. You've got a fever.

[Des] Really? That came on fast.

It's not contagious, is it?

[Tinny] Mom, I wanna hang, I do, but
I got this big test coming up...

[Des] Uh, I'm gonna
go wait in the car.

[Kathleen] Baby, you know what?

We need some catch-up time, and who is
going to help me put all my stuff away?

[Tinny] Okay, fine.

[Eric] I'm gonna
go grab a shower.

[Tinny] So what's with buddy?

And why doesn't he
wear any clothes?

[Kathleen] He's just a friend baby.
It's cool. He's gonna hang with us today.

[Tinny] You know, I actually
should go to school. This test

is huge, and I have so much to catch up on.
Have fun with naked news though.

[♪]

[Garrison] So, up ahead is
where my lovely Tara lives.

[Jake] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Tara? I thought you said
her name was Tamara.

[Garrison] Tamara, of course.
It must be the stress.

[Jake] What color
are Tamara's eyes?

[Garrison] I-- I believe
they have a jade hue.

[Jake] Hmm...
And where did you two meet?

[Garrison] The last time
I was here in town.

[Jake] Right.

What's her best friend's name?

Her favourite color?

Her favourite food?

Her favourite perfume?

[Mal] Garrison?

[Garrison] Well... we didn't talk
a lot, if you know what I mean.

[Jake] You know, I am smart
enough to know when I'm being

played by a...
Alcoholic hack buffoon.

[Garrison] Alright, alright.
You are such a good detective.

It's all about a book.

[Jake] Really?

[Mal] That's why we're here?
A book?

[Garrison] I need a book, and
the "Special Detective Series"

is a guaranteed hit.
And, well I wanted...

I'm in a bit of a pickle
and I need your help.

Wait, wait, please!

I'm on bended knee.

I implore you.

[Jake] Okay, first of all,
when someone says they're on

"bended knee", they usually,
actually kneel down.

[Garrison] Well, uh, my
knees aren't so good.

[Mal] Tamara bowler.
She's accused of stealing from the

Danish consulate, where she
works as an assistant.

[Garrison] She's under house arrest
until they try her in Denmark.

[Jake] This sounds like a terrible
idea for a novel, even for you!

[Garrison] I'll just call it
something like, "The Ambassador

To Murder", and it'll
sell like hot-cakes.

[Jake] (Sigh)

How much are we getting paid?

[Garrison] I'll give you
a cut of the profits.

[♪]

[Garrison] Malachy.

[Garrison] Please do not be
intimidated by my presence here.

Just pretend you're a character
in one of my novels.

[Tamara] Who are you?

[Jake] I'm starting to
like this girl already.

[Garrison] Not a fan
of the mystery oeuvre?

[Tamara] No. Actually, mysteries
are my favourite. He's a writer.

I-- I don't understand.
You said that you were investigators,

that you could help me
with my legal problems.

[Jake] Yeah, it's what
you'd call complicated.

[Mal] Uh, why don't you just start
by telling us what happened.

[Tamara] I don't have much to say.

I'm innocent and they're
using me as a scapegoat.

[Jake] Who is?

[Tamara] The embassy.
It's ludicrous.

[Mal] What are you accused
of stealing exactly?

[Tamara] No idea. Honestly.

Either way, the police think I do,
and now I'm saddled with this.

[Garrison] Flawless skin?

[Tamara] I'm sorry?

[Jake] Ignore him.
It's kind of his courting ritual.

[Garrison] We're done here.

Goodbye.

[Jake] Steele!
We just started talking to her.

[Garrison] Genius.
It's in the mind, not in the mouth, and

solution comes from within, not from...
May I please use your washroom?

[Tamara] Oh, of course.
Uh, down the hall and to the left.

[Garrison] Thank you.

[Tamara] I have to say, I'm not
sure how you're supposed to be

helping me. Is this normally
how your investigations work?

[Mal] No.

(Door bell)

[Tamara] Who is that now?

Excuse me.

[Mal] He's a mess.
Something's not right here.

[Jake] Yeah, it's
called whiskey.

[Mal] Look, go check on him before he passes out.
I'll distract Tamara.

[Jake] Distract her from what?

[Garrison] My work here is done.

[Jake] Steele, why do you have a pair of
underwear sticking out of your pocket?

[Garrison] Panties? Impossible.

[Jake] I hate that word.

[Garrison] Panties!

[Jake] Shh!

[Garrison] Oh, it must be research.
It helps develop the

character when you know what they
wear at the most intimate moments.

[Jake] To be honest, I'm actually
starting to worry about you here.

[Tamara] Let go of me!
You're hurting me.

[Mal] Hey, take it easy, buddy.

[Gerhard] Come on, you were
the only one who had the--

[Gerhard] Look, I don't know
who you are or

what you have to
do with this, so back off!

[Tamara] (Scream)

(Crash!)

[Gerhard] I will find what you took.
Alright?

(Click)

[Gerhard] I'm sorry about the vase.
It was, you know, the only

thing I could find.

[Gerhard] Bye.

[Jake] You alright, skipper?

[Tamara] Look, I don't know what
you people want from me,

but I think it's time you left.

[Jake] He dropped this.
It's a cocktail reception at government

house for the Danish consulate.

[Garrison] I'm very
big in Denmark.

[Tamara] Are those my panties?

[Garrison] Leopard print
says a lot about a woman.

[Tamara] Get out!

Out!

[Des] So, this invite only admits one.
So if you want to

find out more about the guy who
smashed a vase over Malachy's

head, I was thinking
you'll need more invites.

[Mal] Good job.

[Des] Oh thanks. Thanks.
Most of it was Photoshop, but the

hologram was really hard.
I actually used old hockey cards,

but I found a Terry Ryan rookie
in there, which I really, really

needed.
That's pretty smart, huh?

[Jake] Yeah.

[Des] "Young and industrious Des
beams with approval from his

great friend and
mentor, Jake Doyle."

[Des] So, I was thinking, if you need
a plus-one, I'm more than available.

[Jake] Sure, we'll
keep you in mind.

[Des] Excellent.

[Jake] Rose, what have you got?

[Rose] Tamara here is accused of
stealing an unknown item out of

a diplomatic pouch.

[Des] (Laughing)

It's pronounced "pooch".

So this whole thing
was about a dog.

[Mal] No Des, it's a package
that diplomats can send into the

country without having it searched
or checked through customs.

[Rose] (Yawn)

[Jake] Are we keeping you
up there, cocky, or what?

[Rose] Tv did.
Volume on bust apparently. Sorry.

[Des] Yeah, Kathleen
likes it loud.

She likes the TV loud.

[Jake] Tamara could have taken
anything from that pouch.

Guns, money, drugs, anything.

[Mal] So what about this guy?

Anything on him?

[Rose] No, nothing yet.

[Jake] Steele... give me this.

The mystery man. Do you know him?
You ducked the minute you laid eyes on him.

[Garrison] I was simply moving
to a more advantageous place to

record his movements for my art.

[Jake] Under the chesterfield.

[Garrison] No, I've never
seen him before in my life.

[Jake] We're going to have to go
to this Danish cocktail thing if

we're gonna ask the mystery
man any questions.

[Des] Hope you packed
your tux, Garrison.

[Garrison] Of course I did.
Do you think I'm an animal?

(Phone ringing)

[All] Nikki?

[Mal] I think we should stake out Tamara
here, see who is coming and going.

Uh, Jake you're with Garrison.

Rose, you're with me.

[Rose] Yeah, let's do it.

[Garrison] Excellent
plan deserves a toast.

[♪]

(Party chatter)

[Jake] Leslie.

[Leslie] Jake. Hi.

[Jake] What are you doing here?

[Leslie] Can't a girl go out without
having to get your permission?

[Jake] Relax, b'y.
It was a simple question.

[Leslie] Yeah, and I gave you a simple answer.
Mind your own business.

[Jake] (Laugh)

So are you alone, are you here with
someone, are you looking for someone?

[Leslie] I've got my gun, Jake.

Don't push me.

[Jake] Well... I mean, I have no
idea where you could have that

gun stashed, but wherever it
is, it's a very lucky firearm.

[Jake] Oh, I get it. You're here with buddy.
I guess you're into

the taller, better-looking
than me type.

[Leslie] Goodbye Jake.

[Jake] No, no, wait.
Leslie, please.

[Jake] You look spectacular.

[Leslie] Whatever.

Come here to me.

[Leslie] My dad taught me how
to tie one of these,

in case my husband needed it.

[Leslie] His words.

[Jake] So are you in the market?

[Leslie] In case you haven't
noticed, or you're unable to

read the signs, I'm here on a
date with another man, who isn't

you.
Is that clear enough for you?

[Jake] So you don't
want to marry me then?

[Garrison] Nikki! Nikki, hello.

Lovely to see you again.

(Kiss)

[Jake] Steele, shut up. This is Leslie.
You two have already met.

[Leslie] A few times. Hi.

[Garrison] Of course it's Leslie.
I should have known from

the longing in her eyes for you.

Oh my, it's so transparent.
It's almost shocking really.

[Leslie] Not likely.

[Garrison] Well, if you need any
help removing that dress later

on, I have a free hand. Or two.

[Jake] Steele!
Look, I'm-- I'm sorry about him.

[Leslie] I'll see you and,
uh, your new wing man later.

[Garrison] Enchante.

[Jake] What is wrong with you?

[Garrison] Please excuse my lack of tact.
I've had a harrowing

time in Denmark, and I've always
been rather susceptible to jetlag.

[Jake] Denmark? What is this Denmark?
You told me you traveled from France.

[Garrison] You're drunk!

(Phone ringing)

[Garrison] Hello?
Oh, it has been too long.

[Garrison] Anyways,
he's right here.

[Garrison] Nikki. First Leslie,
and now the ex-wife. Oh, Jakey

boy, your closet door
is wide open tonight.

[Jake] Why do you
even have my phone?

[Garrison] Ha!

[Jake] Hi.

[Nikki] You're avoiding me Jake.

[Jake] Yeah, I am, actually.

[Nikki] We need to talk, don't you think?
About what happened?

[Jake] Yeah, or we could try not
talking for once, you know? We

could just do it over texts.

[Nikki] Jake!

[Jake] I know. You're right.
I'm in the middle of something right

now. Can we talk later?

[Nikki] Okay, fine.
I'll call you.

[Jake] Alright.

[Garrison] So I-- I tell them all they
can suck it. And they didn't! Ha!

[Garrison] Where's she going?

[Jake] Heads up, Steele.
There's our mystery man from Tamara's.

[Garrison] Good afternoon!

(Clinking)

[Garrison] Quiet. Quiet please.

Ladies and gentlemen, hello.
Hello. I wanted to thank

you for throwing this party as a
launch for my newest novel in

the "Special Detective Series".

"The Detective With The... Nose."

[Garrison] Give yourselves
a round of applause.

(Clink)

[Jake] What the
hell are you doing?

[Garrison] Oh! As you know, my
muse is here with me today.

The original special
detective, Jared boyle!

[Garrison] They're
crazy about you.

[Garrison] Wait... that man.

What's he doing here?

[Garrison] Is that a bomb?

What?

What!

[Garrison] Security, that man has a bomb!
Get him out of here!

(Commotion)

[Gerhard] I haven't got a bomb!

Get your hands off me.

[Garrison] Obviously a fan.
You can only imagine the sickos I

have clung onto me as a celebrity, that I am.
Uh, what was I saying?

You're wonderful.

[Garrison] Good night.

[Jake] My apologies.

He's just a hack...
Drunk writer.

[Garrison] Who are
you talking about?

[Jake] You.

[Garrison] (Vomiting)

[Jake] You know, Steele, this is
all getting a bit hard to take,

and to be quite Frank, I'm losing my patience.
What the hell is wrong with you?

[Garrison] Bird flu.

[Garrison] I have been waking
up with aches in the morning.

[Jake] Okay Steele.
If you want my help, you're gonna have to

start being honest with me.

[Garrison] I am being
honest with you.

[Jake] Really? Your notebook has
no notes in it, which means

you're probably not
really writing a book.

[Garrison] I'm sorry Jake.

(Car engine)

[Garrison] Oh, dear God.

[Jake] You gotta be kidding me.

(Doors slamming)

[Javier] Steele.

(Door slamming)

[Jake] Who the hell is this now?

[Javier] You don't need to worry
about who I am, my friend.

My concern is who are you?

[Garrison] How the
hell did you find me?

[Javier] Easy. I told the people
at the airport I was looking for

a slimy, meathead writer.
They drew me a map.

[Jake] That is actually,
uh, pretty funny.

(Whack!)

[Jake] Ow!

[Javier] I want what
you owe me Steele.

[Jake] What he owes-- Ow!
What he owes you?

What does he owe you?
You owe something to everyone.

(Whack!)

[Jake] Ow!

(Whack!)

[Jake] Ow! Stop hitting me!

[Javier] This ain't over Steele.

I'm getting tired of chasing you
around for what we both know is

rightfully mine.
Come on, sweets.

[Garrison] Enchante.

(Whack!)

[Garrison] This is not
how I pictured my life.

♪Yeeah♪

[Kathleen] Alright. You're good.

You're good.

[Kathleen] Okay, I'm no expert,
but I think he's gonna be fine.

Should probably take him to a
doctor though, take him to Nikki.

[Jake] Yeah, not likely.
Listen I appreciate you doing this.

I mean, I hope I didn't
ruin your night.

[Kathleen] Eh, it's fine.

Good to see ya.

[Jake] It's good to see you too.
But I do have one question though.

[Kathleen] Here we go.

[Jake] Kath, now don't be like that.
Alright? I'm just saying,

you know, you show up here
without even a phone call, and

then you invite some bum
to move into the house--

[Kathleen] You know, Jake, this
is so none of your business,

okay? And he's not a bum. So you don't
judge me, and I'll lay off judging you.

[Jake] Well, if you're trying to
give the old man a heart attack,

you're doing a good job.

[Kathleen] Jake!

Remember, I know everyone
you've ever dated.

You're not a prince.

So just drop it.

[Jake] Fine.

[Kathleen] Okay. I'm off.

If you're around later, call me.

[Jake] It's nice
to see you again.

[Kathleen] Yeah. You too.

[Jake] Who was the guy who
tried to rearrange your face?

[Garrison] Probably a new
boyfriend of one of my ex-wives

or something like that.

[Jake] Steele, why should I
believe a word that you're

saying? Alright?
You've been lying to me from the start.

[Garrison] (Crying)

I'm sorry.

I have real trouble, serious
trouble with some serious people.

(Phone ringing)

[Garrison] Nikki again?
You know, if you want my advice--

[Jake] I do not want your advice.
At all.

[Garrison] Clearly.

[Jake] So are you okay?

[Nikki] I feel terrible Jake.

I-- I do. Obviously.

I can't believe I
did that to David.

(Slap)

[Garrison] Was that
absolutely necessary?

[Gerhard] So, hmm?
Did you really think that would work,

getting me thrown out like that?

[Garrison] Gerhard, it's so
good to see you, but I did you a

favour. It was an awful party.

[Gerhard] What are you
doing in St. John's?

[Garrison] I came to help you.

- I know people-- - No, no, no.
I don't want help. I want my money. Yeah?

You have until tomorrow.

[Garrison] I'm good for it.

[Gerhard] You'd better be.

[Gerhard] Oh, and stay out of my
business with Tamara, alright?

[Garrison] Oh absolutely.

Yes, of course.

[Gerhard] You know... (Laughs)

You may not believe this, but I
always wanted to be a writer as well.

[Garrison] Really,
that's fascinating.

[Gerhard] Mmm. You know, if we
actually get through this, you

know, if I don't end up having
to kill you, I'd, uh... well,

I'd really appreciate you
reading some of my stuff.

[Garrison] Boy, I'd love to, but my
lawyers don't usually like me reading--

[Gerhard] No, no, no, no.
No, no, you'll read it. You'll read it.

And, and, and I don't want
any false praise, you know?

I want what you think,
truthfully, yeah?

[Garrison] I think-- I think we can
absolutely arrange something. Absolutely.

[Gerhard] Alright.

So tomorrow Steele.

My money or you're a dead man.

(Bar chatter)

[Garrison] (Laughing)

[Jake] Let's hook up later and we'll...
I mean, we'll talk.

We're not gonna hook up. Okay?
I don't mean let's hook up later,

I mean let's talk. Later.

[Nikki] Okay, okay.
But should I tell David?

[Jake] No. I would definitely
put a pin in that. For now.

[Nikki] Okay, fine.

Well, I-- I'm on the night
shift so I have to go.

[Jake] Okay. Good night.

[♪]

[Jake] You son of a--!

[♪]

[Mal] So, you lost him.

[Jake] And he stole
my friggin wallet.

[Rose] Those are Steele's flight itineraries.
He flew first class

from New York to Paris, executive first
class from Paris to Copenhagen--

[Jake] Okay, are you just
rubbing in the fact that he

stole my credit cards or what?

[Rose] No, that's the whole point.
He flew discount economy

from Denmark to St. John's.

[Mal] Discount?
Doesn't sound like Garrison.

[Jake] He's broke.

[Jake] Didn't Tamara say that
she worked at the Danish

consulate? Obviously something
went down in Denmark.

[Rose] Yeah, but what?

[Mal] Let's find
Steele and ask him.

[Des] So that's pretty cool, having your
mom home, huh? She seems really cool.

[Tinny] Whatever.

Why don't you give me some
Garrison Steele pitches?

[Des] Do you really
want to hear them?

[Tinny] Anything to get you
to stop talking about my mom.

[Tinny] Go on.

[Des] Okay. Alright. Okay.

You ready?

(Phone ringing)

[Des] Uh, oh!
Oh, that's Jake, I should probably...

[Des] Yo, Jake, what's up?
Hey is, uh, Garrison there, because

I really need to talk to him regarding
a sensitive creative matter.

[Jake] Des, I need you to track
my credit cards, right away.

[Des] Yeah, yeah, no sweat hommie.
Hang on, just let me see

if there's any
real-time charges.

[Des] Just doing
some work for Jake.

[Des] Uh... hang on.

Oh. Have you been drinking
at eight different bars on

George street in the last hour?

- No, but I think I know who has.
- Oh wait. Hey! While I

still have you, which title do
you like more, "Murder, Murder

On The Wall", or-- Hello?
Hello? Jake?

[Jake] Listen, I have to go
find Steele before he friggin

bankrupts me. But I gotta stop at the hospital for a...
Something, real quick.

[Rose] (Clears throat)

Nikki again, huh?
Oh, Jake, what are you doing?

[Mal] Don't get me started.
I think he's seeing her again.

I oughta whack the
crap out of him.

[Rose] Okay, you know what, you
might want to try something a

little different, you know?
A different tactic, maybe? Talk it through maybe?

[Mal] Yeah. Maybe.

[Mal] What are you doing with Nikki?
Are you planning to make

her entire life a living hell?

(Whack!)

[Jake] Ow!
What the hell are you doing?

(Whack!)

[Mal] Rose thought you might
want to discuss your situation

with Nikki, so here
I am to discuss it.

(Whack!)

[Jake] Okay, stop hitting me.

[Mal] No, I won't.

[Jake] It's not my fault you're
in a bad mood because you're

such a terrible father.

[Mal] Look, don't push me today.

I mean it. This isn't about any of that.
This is about you and Nikki.

[Jake] I parked the
car right here.

[Jake] Ugh! Why is Steele
always taking my friggin car?

[Mal] Because he knows
it bothers you.

[Jake] Alright look, I need you to...
Take me to the hospital to go see Nikki.

[Mal] (Sigh)

[Kathleen] Saturday
you wanna hang out?

[Tinny] I'm busy.
Work stuff for Uncle Jake.

[Kathleen] Don't be a snot.
I just got home. It'd be nice to

hang out, that's all.

[Eric] Hey.

[Tinny] Look at that.
He managed to find his pants.

Bang up job, cocky.

[Kathleen] Tinny.

[Tinny] I'll see you cats later.

[Eric] What?

(Door shutting)

[Jake] I seem to have this constant,
chronic pain in my... guilt area.

[Nikki] Yeah, I know the feeling.
It was a bad idea, what we did.

[Jake] I couldn't agree more.

[Nikki] You don't need to be
so enthusiastic about it.

[Jake] No, no, Nikki come on.

(Frustrated groan)

Come on. Seriously. Think about it.
We've been through

this. We've done it over and
over and over again. It was a--

[Nikki] Horrible idea.
We're wrong for each other.

- Exactly. And us sleeping together,
it was... - It was meaningless.

[Jake] Yes.

[Nikki] It was nothing at all.

[Jake] It was... nothing.

(Kissing)

[Nikki] I love you.

[Jake] I love you too.

(Muffled through kissing)

[Nikki] Stop doing that!

You have to stop kissing me.

[Jake] You kissed me, okay?

[Nikki] I don't
love you like that.

[Jake] I don't love you either.

[Nikki] I'm married. In case you didn't remember.
What are we doing?

[Jake] Nothing.
We're doing nothing.

[Mal] Hey. Hey Nikki.
Sorry, I gotta take Jake now.

[Nikki] Good.

[Mal] Jacob... I know that somewhere
deep beneath that thick skull of

yours is a good load of common sense.
Use it. Nikki's happy.

Move on.

It'd be different if she was
the one, but we both know

she's not, so do
the right thing.

[♪]

[Mal] Now that that's out of
your system, shall we hit George

street and track down Garrison
and your credit card?

[Jake] Look it doesn't matter.

My credit card is gonna be way
over the limit anyway, the way

that Garrison Steele drinks.

[Javier] I want Garrison Steele.

[Mal] Who's this?

[Jake] It's a long story.

Okay, okay, just stop.

[Javier] I'm stopped.
We're stopped. Stand down, babe.

[Javier] You wanna talk business,
I'm a businessman, okay?

[Javier] I'm a publisher of
gentlemen's magazines and

videos. We're expanding into the
erotic novel game and Steele was

supposed to give us a big push.

I paid him a hefty advance
and he stiffed us.

[Jake] Oh, there's
a huge surprise.

[Javier] I want the novel.
He owes me.

[Mal] We'll let Steele know.

[Javier] You'll let him know?

Listen to me. If I have to keep
chasing him around again,

I'll let him know, you know?

[Javier] We're not
joking around.

[Javier] Come on.

(Phone ringing)

[Jake] Yeah?

[Garrison] Uh, I stole your car,
but I am definitely over the

driving limit, booze-wise.
So, I-- I-- I'm at Tamara's place.

[Jake] Stay where you are.
We're on our way.

[Jake] Steele.

[Garrison] Hello, it's so good
to see you both. No worries.

I was completely sober and
legal behind the wheel.

[Jake] You stole my car again.

[Garrison] Borrowed. I'm sure Malachy
taught you the importance of sharing.

[Mal] Nope. He never took to it.

[Jake] What the hell are we
even doing here anyways?

[Garrison] Mmm. Tamara promised
to help us if we helped her.

[Tamara] Please get
me away from here.

[Jake] Look, lady, we're not going
anywhere with that thing on your ankle.

[Jake] - Uh...
[Garrison] - Oh, he's got a gun.

[Jake] We gotta change of plans.

Get in the car.

[Jake] Stay still.

[Mal] Hurry up.

[Jake] This won't
hurt, I promise.

Ugh, get in the car.

[Garrison] Come on!

I'm not ready to die yet.

[Garrison] Okay, go!

(Tires screeching)

[Gerhard] Steele!

(Angry grunts)

[♪]

♪ Oh yeah ♪

[Garrison] I need a
synonym for "buxom".

[Des] Uh... "Bosomy", "chesty",
"well-endowed", "curvy",

"voluptuous",
"stacked", "ample".

I'm Des, I'm pleased to
make your acquaintance.

[Tamara] Charmed.

[Jake] Get out.

Now!

[Des] Yeah.

[Jake] So, Javier.

[Garrison] "Javiar".

[Jake] Whatever. He's mad at you because
you haven't delivered his book.

[Mal] And Gerhard here wants you
dead for some other reason.

[Jake] It's funny, Steele, everywhere
you go someone wants to kill you.

[Tamara] I don't
want to kill him.

[Jake] Yet.

[Garrison] I am in debt. Bad.

I got the advance for my
next novel from my regular

publisher, and another from Javier.
And then I do what I

normally do. I-- I-- I flew
somewhere exotic to find my muse.

This time is was Denmark.

[Des] Nice. Very vikingy.

[Jake] Get out.

[Des] Yes.

[Mal] How'd Denmark go
for you, Garrison?

[Garrison] It went wrong.
Uh, I lost big time, baccarat,

and so I had to borrow money
from Gerhard.

[Jake] How much?

[Garrison] It was a
significant amount.

[Mal] And when does
your loan come due?

[Garrison] It-- it already did.

So I had to break into Gerhard's
office in Denmark.

My plan was to steal cash from his
safe in order to pay off my debt.

[Tamara] That's an awful plan.

[Des] I completely agree.

[Des] I'm gone, I'm gone.

[Garrison] When I broke into
Gerhard's office, all I could

find was the file on Tamara, so
I thought if I could find what

Tamara stole, with your help
I-- I-- I might be able to trade

it back to gerhard in exchange
for forgiveness of my debt.

[Tamara] You were going
to sell me out.

[Garrison] That was
before I met you.

[Mal] And, uh, why is
Gerhard after you, Tamara?

[Tamara] If I tell you, I want your
help to get out of the country.

[Jake] Fine.

[Tamara] Part of my job at the
consulate is packing and

unpacking diplomatic pouches.

Gerhard is my ex-boss.

[Jake] What does he do?

[Tamara] On paper, he's the
cultural attache to the

consulate, but in reality he's a smuggler.
He helped me get my

job, wanted someone he knew
handling the pouches, and then

he forced me to steal
something from one of them.

[Garrison] What item did
Gerhard want you to steal?

[Tamara] A tin of caviar.

[Jake] Why does he
want fish eggs?

[Garrison] Other than
its refined taste?

[Tamara] I don't know.

[Mal] Where's the tin now?

[Tamara] I hid it. I knew there
was something up when I took it

out of the pouch. So, I've been holding
onto the tin to trade for my way out.

(Phone ringing)

[Jake] Well, you're taking us
to that location right now.

[Mal] You go on. I'll catch up.

[Mal] Yeah?

[Des] Nice meeting you.

[Rose] Come on Kathleen.

(Sigh)

[Rose] - What a...
[Kathleen] - Whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

What are you doing?

[Rose] Hello?
I was just trying to help.

[Kathleen] You know... I know.

Uh, I'm sorry. I'm a mess, and I will, I will
get it all, I'll get this all put away.

[Rose] Everything okay?

[Kathleen] Yeah, I'm fine.

[Rose] Good.

[Kathleen] It's just...
I guess I should have asked before I

moved Eric in here. Sorry about that.
It's just, it's...

I'll find a place.

[Rose] It's okay. It's okay.

This is your house too.

[Kathleen] Tinny, uh...
I appreciate you've been good to her.

[Rose] She's a good kid.

[Kathleen] She seems a little
pissed at me at the moment,

but I'm sure we'll figure it out.

[Rose] I'm sure you will.
Just, uh, give her time to get used to

her mom being back.

[Kathleen] I'll, uh, get all,
this stuff put in the basement.

[Rose] Let me know if
you need any help.

[Kathleen] Sure.

[♪]

(Doors slamming)

[Jake] Okay, why don't you just
tell us where the caviar is?

[Tamara] If I told you, how do I
know you'd let me go?

What is this? Are you setting me up?

[Jake] No, no, no.
I'm not setting you up. Just let me

handle this.

[Garrison] I am on it.

[Jake] Keep your mouth shut.

[Javier] Steele, you're a liar and a thief.
Hey, have you ever

considered getting involved
in the adult entertainment

industry? You'd do very well.

[Tamara] I'm fine, thank you.

[Garrison] You wanna piece
of this, come get it.

[Javier] Alright!

[Jake] Stop!
What is it you want from us, exactly?

[Javier] I want my book or my money.
It's pretty simple.

[Jake] Okay, that's a start.

Steele why did you mooch
out of the man's book?

[Garrison] I have been busy.

[Javier] Well get un-busy, or I'll
be forced to take some action.

[Jake] Nobody needs to be taking
any action, alright pally?

[Garrison] I will write you an
opus so rife with, uh, sexual

innuendo, it will make
a grandmother blush.

[Javier] You already promised that.
Those were the exact words

exactly! You said those
exact words to my face!

[Jake] Okay, okay, look at me.

Alright? Steele gave you his word.
We both know that's worth

garbage.
But now I'm giving you my word.

[Javier] What, I'm supposed
to trust you now?

[Tamara] I trust him.
So far he hasn't given this one up, and

from what I've seen he's
given him plenty of reason.

[Garrison] I'm
standing right here.

[Jake] You take me for the kind of guy
that makes a promise and doesn't keep it?

[Javier] No.

[Jake] Good.

[Jake] Steele, how long does
it take you to write a book?

[Garrison] You-- you can't ask
an artist such a question.

How long would it take
to count the stars?

What color is love?

- Art is--
[Jake] - Shut up.

[Jake] Let's say 20 days.

Will that work?

[Javier] Just make sure there's
lots of boobies,

or I'll come back and get you.

[Garrison] 20 days?
I-- I-- I'm going to need a new

assistant.
They actually do all the work.

[Jake] Shall we?

[Jake] What is wrong with you?

Why are you acting so nervous?

[Garrison] I'm not nervous.

[Tamara] There. That's my side of the deal.
Now get me out of the country.

[Jake] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give me a sec.
I'll see what this is all about.

[Jake] Caviar? I don't get it.

[Gerhard] Okay, everyone turn
around, slowly please. Slowly.

I'm really not in the mood to
shoot anyone today really.

[Jake] How did you find us?

[Gerhard] Oh, a little writer
friend of mine gave me a quick

head's up in exchange for a debt.
Now, Steele, even though

our debt is settled, you're still
obligated to read my book.

Sorry.

[Tamara] I knew I shouldn't
have trusted you.

[Gerhard] The prose is awkward.

I admit to that. It needs work.

But the plot structure itself I
think is actually quite good.

I, uh, I drew on wealth of experience
from my time at the embassy--

[Tamara] Do we really
have to listen to this?

[Gerhard] I'll go over the
character arcs with you later,

alright? Bring the caviar tin over here now.
C'mon. And no one

do anything stupid.
I'm not afraid to shoot any one of you,

I guarantee you that.

[Garrison] I'm truly sorry.

[Gerhard] Tamara, you and I
need to have a long chat.

[Tamara] Is it about
your stupid book?

[Gerhard] It's about
your life expectancy.

[Gerhard] That's a good line, huh?
Write that down.

[Tamara] Please, help me!

[Gerhard] Come on.

[♪]

(Whack!)

[Garrison] I have expensive dental work.
Don't be such a

barbarian.

♪Yeeah♪

[Jake] You traded a
girl for your debt!

[Garrison] I'm not heartless.
I thought Gerhard only wanted the tin.

[Jake] Well now he has
Tamara and the tin!

[Garrison] The bright side is he might
leave me alone now about his book.

[Jake] Give me that.

[Garrison] That is very
expensive scotch...

Which by the way, you,
you paid for on your credit card.

[Jake] Steele, you have crossed
the line this time. It's one

thing to drag yourself
down into the-- the crap.

But you might get
this girl killed.

Look at yourself.

You're a mess!

I hate to say this, but you're
a heavy weight.

It's time you started acting like one.

[♪]

[Jake] Any word on
that can of fish eggs?

[Des] Oh, well I thought it have
come from, like, a giant squid

or something. But it turns out
it's just normal caviar.

Retail price, like, 200 bucks.

[Jake] So why the hell does
everybody want it so bad?

[Garrison] It did
come in a nice bag.

(Phone ringing)

[Jake] Hello?

[Gerhard] Very, very nice with the
old bait and switch. Where's my item?

[Jake] Your item?

[Gerhard] Look, don't mess with me.
I am tired of that. You know what I mean.

[Jake] Okay, okay. Wait. Wait.

You'll get your, uh,
your "item", alright?

But you gotta give
us Tamara first.

[Gerhard] Same place as before.

One hour.
And don't be clever this time.

[Mal] What did he want?

[Jake] I don't know. His "item".

[Garrison] But we gave him
the caviar in a lovely bag.

What more could he want?

[Jake] Rose?

[Rose] Mmm?

[Jake] Did you do that search of recent
theft and crime activity in Denmark?

[Rose] Yes, I did, and that
didn't really turn up much.

There was a bank robbery, museum
theft and a big electronic expo

was hit, but that's about it
for the last couple of months.

[Jake] Museum theft.

[Jake] Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

[Mal] Yeah. We're going to
need Des' special skills.

[Des] Which ones, b'y?

(Crash)

[Tamara] Garrison Steele is not going to show up.
Why would he show up?

[Garrison] I'll tell you why.

Because you are absolutely
fetching and I feel slightly

responsible for putting
you in that position.

[Jake] Slightly responsible?

You're directly responsible!

[Garrison] Nobody asked you.

[Gerhard] Garrison.
First of all I've got my short story for

you to read. Now it's a first draft, but I
want you to be honest. Kind, but honest.

[Garrison] Good God. Short?

[Gerhard] And secondly,
did you bring my item?

[Jake] I'm gonna be honest.
At first I had no idea what in the

hell you were talking about.

Item? And then it dawned on me.

Really quite brilliant for
you do be using the caviar

to hide what you are
actually smuggling.

[Gerhard] C'mon, enough chit-chat.
Just give me the sketch.

[Tamara] A Magnussen sketch.

That was stolen three months ago.
It's priceless.

(Click)

[Gerhard] Hey, hey, hey!
Don't do anything rash there.

[Jake] Okay now, you can shoot
me, I drop this, the painting

goes up in flames, or you give Steele the
keys to the handcuffs and you let her go.

[Gerhard] Fine.

[Garrison] Please know this was
always my plan.

How could I abandon a
creature as beautiful as you?

[Gerhard] C'mon. You got the girl.
Give me the sketch.

[Jake] - Yeah...
[Gerhard] - Oh! You idiot!

[Mal] Gerhard?

(Whack!)

[Mal] That's for earlier.

(Clang)

[Jake] Nice work.

[Garrison] Now that's more like it.
Too bad you had to burn a

beautiful piece of art
to save a masterpiece.

[Jake] I gotta be honest with you.
I'm a bigger fan of an original myself.

[Garrison] What a reveal.

It's perfect.

[♪]

♪Oh yeah♪

[Des] So I took a photo of the
sketch, then I made a stencil,

and then I used spray paint
to make the forgery.

[Jake] I don't care.

[Des] Really? Well, it kind makes
me the banksy of Newfoundland.

[Jake] More like the
bell-head of outer cove.

[Des] Nice.

[Jake] But it is a
good job though.

[Des] Thanks.

[Jake] So, go away now.

[Des] Why?

[Jake] Go.

[Des] Oh.

[Leslie] "The Love Canal"?

I'm sensing a hit.

[Jake] Yeah, it's written by
Ford platinum, that's Garrison

Steele's pseudonym when he writes...
Adult novels.

I can get you an autographed
copy if you want.

[Leslie] I'll pass. Thanks.

You wouldn't happen to
know anything about an

international smuggler, or a priceless
sketch showing up at the station today?

[Jake] No. I mean, that sounds like
a cheesy plot for this novel.

[Leslie] Well, it's-- it's real.

And for the record, it was huge.

Like an international search
kind of thing. So...

[Jake] Is that your way of
trying to pay me a compliment?

[Leslie] God no.

[Jake] Listen, about the guy you were with
at the Danish consulate party. Your date.

Things going well? Is there something
real there between you two?

[Leslie] Maybe. I don't know.

(Phone ringing)

[Jake] I'm sorry.

[Leslie] I'll see
you around Doyle.

[Jake] - Nikki, I--
[Nikki] - You know, the last time

we said we loved each other
we ended up married.

[Jake] Yeah, and we both
know how that turned out.

[Nikki] It's like we go to this
place where it's the sex and not

the love talking. Like, I know I
love you but I don't "love" love

you, obviously.

[Jake] I couldn't agree more, so
maybe we should both just put

this whole thing
behind us, yeah?

[Nikki] But, uh, about David.

[Jake] Nikki, I know you feel guilty, but
there's no point in telling David anything.

[Nikki] Never mind.

Nothing.

Talk to ya, 'kay?

[♪]

[Jake] Well look at you.

You look... great.

[Garrison] Well, a man must look the
part when he's a "heavy weight".

[Tamara] Garrison, come on.

We're going to miss our flig.

(Kiss)

[Garrison] Turns out she is the
love of my life. We're heading

to Denmark to testify against
Gerhard, and the court has

dropped the charges against Tamara in
exchange for recovering the sketch.

[Tamara] And then
we're off to Vegas.

(Kiss)

[Tamara] I'll be in the loo.

[Garrison] See you
shortly my darling.

[Jake] Like they say, the fifth
time's the charm, what?

And listen, I'm not forgetting
you owe me a piece of

this book and not the garbage
you're writing for Javier.

[Garrison] "Javiar".

[Jake] Whatever.

[Garrison] No worries.
Tamara's my new assistant, and thanks to

this latest adventure I have
the idea for my next novel.

[Jake] Let me guess, another
"Special Detective"?

[Garrison] No, I have discovered
a much greater protagonist.

[Jake] Who? Des?

[Garrison] Me.

This will be the first
book in my new series

"Steeling The Night Away,
The Garrison Steele Mysteries".

My rep
has already sold the TV rights.

(Clink)

[Jake] To you.

[Garrison] Mmm.

Well, Jake Doyle, until next time.
Ciao bello.

[Jake] Ciao, man.

[Garrison] Can I give you
one last piece of advice?

[Jake] No.

[Garrison] Duck.

(Whack!)

[Jake] Ow!

[David] Now, I-- I'm sorry Jake,
but stay away from my wife.

[Garrison] Garrison Steele.

[David] I swear to God, I'll kill ya.
Just leave us alone.

[Garrison] A fitting ending.

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