Original subtitles

(''RED DWARF'' THEME)

How are you feeling, Mr Lister?

(WEARILY) Oh, much better, thanks, Kryten.

- Much, much better. - Well, you certainly look far better.

I can't believe how much the swelling's gone down overnight.

- Do you reckon? - Definitely.

It was interfering with the ceiling fan yesterday afternoon.

You're nearly your old self. You can hardly tell you've got space mumps.

- When can I have a mirror? - I don't think we're quite ready yet, sir.

Let's take it one step at a time.

Oh, what did I tell you? It's gone down eight inches overnight. You'll be up in no time.

I don't know what I'd have done without you. You're like Florence Nightingdroid.

- Did you bring my breakfast? - Yes, sir. Hot lager with croutons.

You certainly find out who your mates are when you've got an unsightly ailment.

- I wouldn't say unsightly, sir. - Get outta town, Kryten.

My head's like a hot-air balloon. I'm a human light bulb.

And how many times have they dropped by with a word of comfort or a bunch of grapes?

It's not been possible. Mr Rimmer has been on vacation.

Vacation? The world's most charismatic man? Where did he go?

On a rambling holiday through the diesel decks.

A ten-day hike through the ship's engines with two of the skutters.

- He said he'd pop by to show you the slides. - He didn't?

He's been loading the projection carousel for 24 hours now.

You've got to stop him!

A slide show of the diesel decks - that could finish me off.

But I thought the Cat would drop in.

Well, he's been preoccupied with this pod business.

Oh, screw down my diodes! I wasn't supposed to mention that.

- What pod? - You're not well. Forget I mentioned it.

Come on, Kryten. What pod?

Yesterday evening, we came across an escape pod floating in the local asteroid belt.

It contains the survivor of some space crash, apparently cryogenically frozen.

- Oh, yeah? - She's in a suitable condition for revival.

- She? - As far as we can tell, she's a she.

That's just great, isn't it? That's just typical.

The first female company in three million years,

and I look like I belong up a whale's nose.

- Smeg! - You can't get up, sir! What are you doing?

What do you think I'm doing?

I'm on the cop.

- Who is she, Hol? - It says on the pod Barbra Bellini.

Barbra Bellini. What a beautiful name.

There's no justice. How could this happen to me?

I could wear a turban and pretend I'm from India.

You could wear a spike and pretend you're the Taj Mahal.

Oh, it's you. Well, thanks for visiting me. Thanks a lot.

You know what you look like? It's nauseating.

You could double-date with the Elephant Man and he would be the looker.

Why isn't it activated? No one's started the thaw process.

- I thought Alphabet-Head did it. - So, where's she from?

Who cares? At last...a date.

- Who says she'll be interested in you? - I get it.

All this time alone has driven her insane.

No. Say she just doesn't go for your type?

I'd have seen her in ''Ripley's Believe It Or Not''.

- Say she's interested in somebody else? - Like who?

I dunno. Like... Like me?

Your head's like a watermelon. What you gonna do?

Paint it yellow and black and say you play with the Bengals?

You're a bit cocky for a guy who's never met a woman before.

I've seen mirrors. I have eyes. Face it, buddy, my body makes men wet.

Have you ever heard of the Iranian jerd? It can do 150 pelvic thrusts a second.

- So? - That's me in slo-mo.

Put a Black & Decker drill on the end, I can make it through walls, boy!

Listy, what are you doing up?

Shouldn't you be in the greenhouse with the rest of the cantaloupes?

- Who started the RP? - He did.

You simple-minded gimboid. I said to leave this to me.

Look, she's in there. Let's get her out.

The problem, Pussycat Willum, is this capsule was ejected from a prison ship

on which the convicts mutinied.

There was a battle with only two survivors: one prisoner, one guard - Ms Bellini.

One of those two got in this pod and escaped.

But, of course, you'll know this, having studied the black box recording.

- If it's not Bellini in there, who is it? - One of the prisoners.

And considering that ship was transporting 40 psychotic,

mass-murdering, super-strong androids,

we thought we'd see who was in there first.

With respect, sir, they're not androids.

- They're simulants. - What's the difference?

An android would never rip off a human's head and spit down his neck.

- Can we stop it, Hol? - What? Oh, no. One-way process.

- Can't we X-ray the pod? - No. Lead lining. Has to survive in space.

- There must be some way of finding out. - There is.

Just hang around here for 24 hours.

Then, if you find your limbs scattered around deep space, it probably wasn't Babs.

Why not tool up with bazookoids, wait for the pod to open,

and if it's some bad-ass android dude, let it eat laser?

Simulants are almost indestructible, sir.

It could withstand bazookoid fire at close range with only minimal damage.

It would be able to make balloon animals out of your intestines.

I see no other option. Let's blast it back into space.

Hang on! Say it isn't the simulant? You can't shoot an innocent woman into space.

What a dilemma! Inside this pod is either death or a date.

Personally, I'm prepared to take the risk.

Meanwhile, the pod is defrosting, and we haven't decided what to do. Holly, any ideas?

Right. The black box contains the coordinates of the penal colony the ship was heading for.

- So? - There's bound to be facilities there

to contain any hostile life form.

If it's Bellini, we release her.

If it's the simulant, we leave him to rot.

If the colony's still there and still operational.

There's an old android saying which has particular relevance here.

''If you don't gosub a program loop, you'll never get a subroutine.''

We have a saying that's similar: ''Nothing ventured, nothing gained.''

I think the android one is punchier.

- Do you have to sit here? - It's warmer. It helps my gunge.

Your head's getting in the way of the mirror.

In fact, it's getting in the way of the windscreen.

Next! Ah, now, this one...

We reached this beauty on the fourth day.

The Cameron Mackintosh 40-valve air-cooled diesel. The 184.

Almost identical to the 179, but have you noticed the difference?

See the refinement in the funnel edges?

We'd never get another chance to see it, so we bivouacked down for the night.

There's a funny story about that,

but we won't get to the class fives unless we push along. Next!

- Ah! Another favourite. - Sir, can we take a break?

My intelligence circuits have melted.

We won't get through them all if we do.

That's a gamble I'm willing to take.

Now, the class 40s, the first twin...

(SQUELCH)

Oh, my God!

His head burst!

That's better. That is so much better. I feel good!

Talk about a weight off your mind.

I don't want to live! Someone, please...shoot me in the head!

- (LISTER) Anything down there, Hol? - No life forms according to the heat scan.

- Any mechanical intelligence? - Yes, the mainframe's still operational.

Just initiating interface... Hang about. Here we go.

Getting a message.

(DEEP VOICE) Welcome to Justice World.

Please state your clearance code and prison officer ident.

We're not a prison ship. We just want to use your facilities.

- State life form inventory. - Four.

One hologram, one mechanoid, two humanoid.

- Transfer ship navicomp to my jurisdiction. - OK, guys.

On landing, proceed through the neutral area to the clearance zone.

Until you are granted a clearance code, please observe all security requirements.

Your party will be met by a consignment of escort boots.

Please step into the boots.

I'm supposed to wear these?! These look like Frankenstein's hand-me-downs.

Haven't you got anything with a Cuban heel or crepe sole?

- I can't wear these. I'm a hologram. - That has been accounted for.

(BOOTS WHIRR)

Now what?

(ELECTRONIC PULSE)

- Oh, God! What's this? - Relax, sir. It's just a mind probe.

- What's a mind probe? - The computer was searching our minds,

presumably for any evidence of criminal activity.

What do you mean, ''criminal activity''?

Don't worry. It's just a routine clearance procedure.

Yeah, but when you say ''criminal activity'', what do you mean?

- How criminal is ''criminal''? - What are you bleating on about?

Just define ''criminal activity'' for me.

If someone had committed a crime and concealed it from the law,

the mind probe could uncover that crime and sentence that person accordingly.

Why did no one tell me this?

Oh, Listy, Listy. Is that a small sewage plant you're carrying in your trousers...

..or are you a tad concerned?

Well, come on, guys. Everyone's done something that's a little bit illegal.

- I haven't. Not even a parking ticket. - Oh, smeggin' hell!

- What did you do? - Well, scrumping.

- When I was a kid, we always went scrumping. - Stealing apples? That's hardly a crime.

Yeah, but me and me mates, we went scrumping for cars.

- Did you get caught? - All the time.

Well, then, you've served your punishment.

There were things that I didn't get caught for.

- Like what? - One time at this hotel...

Lots of people take towels from hotels.

I took the bed.

Winched it out the window. I was renting this flat. It was unfurnished.

- You went to a hotel and stole the bed?! - Stole the entire room.

Absolutely despicable. You're a common thief.

I'm not making excuses, but everyone was doing it. I couldn't go against the flow.

- I would not like to be in your boots. - What's going to happen to me?

Don't worry, sir. I'm sure they're not interested in some minor misdemeanour

you committed over three million years ago.

- Seriously, you reckon? - Boy, I'm really getting the hang of lying.

That was totally convincing, wasn't it?

(BOOMING VOICE) The mechanoid Kryten - clearance granted.

You may go freely about the complex.

The creature known as Cat - clearance granted.

Oooooooooooowwww!

Hey, I hear they do good bread and water here.

The human known as Lister - despite a number of petty criminal acts -

clearance granted.

The hologram known as Rimmer -

guilty of second-degree murder, 1,167 counts.

No. There's some mistake, surely?

Each count carries a statutory penalty of eight years'penal servitude.

In the light of your hologrammatic status,

these sentences are to be served consecutively,

making a total sentence of 9,328 years.

I've never even returned a library book late. Second-degree murder?

1,000 people? I would have remembered!

Your wilful negligence in failing to reseal a drive plate

resulted in the deaths of the entire crew

of the Jupiter Mining Corporation vessel the Red Dwarf.

Oh, that.

Sentence to commence immediately.

You are now leaving the neutral area and entering the Justice Zone.

Beyond this point, it is impossible to commit any act of injustice.

Help!

Hi, killer.

- Nine thousand years. Nine! - I brought you a book.

Oh, thanks. That'll help the centuries fly past.

Don't panic. We'll get you out of here.

I'll be up for parole in a few ice ages.

Kryten's appealing. He's putting a case together.

This isn't a bad prison. How come there are no locks or guards?

There doesn't need to be. The whole prison is covered by something called the Justice Field.

I had to sit through this lecture.

Apparently, it's physically impossible to commit any sort of crime here.

- What do you mean? - Try. You'll see.

- Like what? - I don't know. Anything.

Arson. Set fire to those sheets.

- OK. - Go on. Try it.

Whatever crime you try and commit, the consequences happen to you.

Smeggin' hell!

Nice example, Rimmer! Nice example!

You could have explained that to me verbally.

Same with stealing. Same with everything.

Right. So if you nick something, something of yours goes missing?

Right. Try it.

- No. - You see? It's the perfect system.

It forces inmates to obey the law. Once they're out, it's second nature.

Good news. The justice computer has sanctioned a retrial.

I think we have a very strong case.

You do? It's a question of differentiating between guilt and culpability, sir.

The mind probe detected your own sense of guilt about the accident.

In a way, you tried and convicted yourself.

I simply have to establish you're a neurotic, under-achieving emotional retard

whose ambition far outstrips his miniscule ability

and consequently blames himself for an accident

for which he couldn't have been responsible.

You're going to prove that I was innocent on the grounds that I'm a halfwit?

Man, there ain't a jury in the land that won't buy that.

Not a halfwit, exactly...more a buffoon.

How would you build a case? Where would you find evidence?

Sir, providing I have free access to your data files,

I think I can come up with a winning case by...lunchtime.

(KRYTEN) The mind probe was created to detect guilt,

yet in the case of Arnold Judas Rimmer,

the guilt it detected attaches to no crime.

He held a position of little importance on Red Dwarf.

He was a lowly grease monkey, a zero, a nothing,

a piece of sputum in the toilet bowl of life.

Yet he never came to terms with a lifetime of underachievement.

His absurdly inflated ego would never permit it.

He's like the security guard on the front gate

who considers himself head of the corporation.

So when the crew were wiped out by a nuclear accident,

Arnold Rimmer accepted the blame.

It was his ship, ergo his fault.

I ask the court - look at this man,

this man who sat and failed his astronavigation exam on 13 occasions.

This sad man, this pathetic man, this joke of a man...

Kryten. You're going over the top.

Trust me. My whole case hinges on proving you're a dork.

Understood.

I call my first witness.

- Name? - Dave Lister.

Occupation?

Bum.

Would you describe the accused as a friend?

- Take the Fifth! - Please answer the question.

You are under polygraphic surveillance. Would you describe the accused as a friend?

No, I'd describe the accused as a git.

Who, then, thinks of him most fondly?

I do.

Have no others shared moments of intimacy with him?

Only one, but she's got a puncture.

Objection!

- (COMPUTER) Overruled. - So he's not a man with a good social life?

No. He partied less than Rudolf Hess. He was totally dedicated to his career.

He was in charge of Z shift. It occupied his every waking moment.

And what was Z shift's most important duty?

Well, we had a lot of duties, but I suppose our most vital responsibility

was making sure the vending machines didn't run out of fun-size Crunchie bars.

Can you envisage a situation where the lack of honeycomb-centred chocolate bars

might be the direct cause of a lethal radiation leak?

Not off the top of my head.

You may sit down.

I ask the court one key question -

would the Space Corps have allowed this man to be in a position

where he might endanger the entire crew?

A man so petty and small-minded, he would while away his evenings sewing name labels

onto his ship-issue condoms.

- A man of such awesome stupidity... - Objection!

- Objection overruled. - A man of such awesome stupidity,

he even objects to his own defence counsel.

An over-zealous, trumped up little squirt...

- Objection! - Overruled.

An incompetent vending machine repairman with a Napoleon complex

who commanded as much respect and affection from shipmates as Long John Silver's parrot.

Objection!

If you object to your own counsel once more, Mr Rimmer, you'll be in contempt.

Who would let this man, this joke of a man, a man who couldn't outwit a used tea bag,

be in a position where he might endanger the entire crew?

Who? Only a yogurt.

This man is not guilty of manslaughter.

He is only guilty of being Arnold J Rimmer.

That is his crime. It is also his punishment.

The defence rests.

The verdict will now be passed. In view of your counsel's eloquent defence,

together with the reams of material evidence submitted,

this court accepts that, in your case,

the mind probe is not an adequate method of ascertaining guilt.

It is not possible for you to have committed those crimes,

and you may therefore go free.

- Objection! - Sir, what are you objecting to now?

I want an apology.

Brilliant, Kryten! What can I say? You were brilliant.

You even had me believing it. The way you twisted the facts to fit this pattern.

Let's go. I don't know why we came to this hellhole in the first place.

- I do. - Hmm... Can I smell perfume?

- (GROWLS) I doubt it. - Are you by any chance Barbra Bellini?

I didn't think so!

What's going on?!

To think I caressed his pod!

You are now entering the Justice Zone.

Beyond this point, it is impossible to commit any act of injustice.

You are now entering the Justice Zone.

Beyond this point, it is impossible to commit any act of injustice.

Hey, my friends...I don't want any trouble.

I just want your spacecraft. Give me the start-up code.

Look. I have no weapon.

What are you waiting for? Gloop him.

I can't. He's not armed.

Lister, this is not a Scout meeting. Gloop him.

- What? In the back? - Of course.

It's only a pity he's awake.

You could kill him if he was asleep?

I could kill him if he was on the job. Gloop him.

It's immoral.

Come on, my friends. You wouldn't shoot an unarmed droid.

Come out and let's discuss it.

I'm going to talk to him.

You wanna talk? Let's talk.

- You have no weapons? - No.

You have no weapon?

No.

Guess what.

I lied.

Guess what.

So did I.

But I lied...twice.

- I didn't think of that. - I'm glad you didn't.

- What do you want to talk about? - Your death.

Your imminent death.

What the smeg is going on?!

(BUZZING)

- Yo, matey. Hit me on the head with this. - Malfunction. Does not compute.

Mal...function. Mal...function.

(CROAKS)

I got him, buddy! Leave this to me!

Cat, no! No!

Better late than never.

(LAUGHS)

Makes you think. Mankind's history has been one long search for justice.

That's what all religions are about. They accept life as being basically unfair,

but promise everyone will get their just deserts - heaven, hell, karma, whatever.

That penal colony tried to bring some order to the universe with the Justice Field,

but in an environment where justice does exist, you have no free will.

That's why there can never be true justice.

Good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people.

Life has to be cruel, unkind

and unfaaaaaair...!

Thank God for that.

It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere

I'm all alone, more or less

Let me fly far away from here

Fun, fun, fun

In the sun, sun, sun

I want to lie shipwrecked and comatose

Drinking fresh mango juice

Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes

Fun, fun, fun

In the sun, sun, sun

Fun, fun, fun

In the sun, sun, sun

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