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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,200 --> 00:00:05,033 (''RED DWARF'' THEME) 2 00:00:39,880 --> 00:00:41,871 - What is it? - It's a banana. 3 00:00:42,040 --> 00:00:44,031 No. Try again. What is it? 4 00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:46,714 - A banana? - No, it isn't. What is it? 5 00:00:46,920 --> 00:00:50,356 It's an urrrr... It's an urrrr... 6 00:00:50,560 --> 00:00:52,596 It's an orange. Go on, say it. 7 00:00:52,760 --> 00:00:56,435 - This is an orange. - It's an orrrr... 8 00:00:56,600 --> 00:01:00,912 It's an orrrr... It's a banana. It's no good. I just can't do it. 9 00:01:01,120 --> 00:01:04,635 You CAN do it. I'm gonna teach you. OK, what's this? 10 00:01:04,840 --> 00:01:07,274 - An ap... - No, no. What is it? 11 00:01:07,480 --> 00:01:11,758 Oh, it's no good, sir. I can't lie. I'm programmed to tell the truth. 12 00:01:11,960 --> 00:01:15,555 Kryten, it's easy. Look - an orange, a melon, 13 00:01:15,720 --> 00:01:18,109 a female aardvark. 14 00:01:18,760 --> 00:01:21,638 Oh, that is superb! How DO you do that? 15 00:01:21,800 --> 00:01:24,030 Especially calling a banana an aardvark. 16 00:01:24,200 --> 00:01:27,158 An aardvark isn't even a fruit. It's total genius. 17 00:01:29,360 --> 00:01:32,989 - Let's start again. - Sir, we've been doing this all morning. 18 00:01:33,200 --> 00:01:36,476 Kryten, I'm going to teach you to lie and cheat, 19 00:01:36,640 --> 00:01:39,108 to be unpleasant, cruel and sarcastic. 20 00:01:39,280 --> 00:01:42,670 It's the only way to break your programming, make you independent. 21 00:01:42,880 --> 00:01:47,078 I'm truly grateful, sir. I'd love to be deceitful, unpleasant and offensive. 22 00:01:47,240 --> 00:01:51,313 Those are the human qualities I admire the most. But I can't do it. 23 00:01:51,480 --> 00:01:53,357 - You can! - I can't. 24 00:01:53,560 --> 00:01:55,312 - What's this? - No! 25 00:01:55,520 --> 00:01:57,158 - What is it? - Please! 26 00:01:57,360 --> 00:01:59,396 - What is it? - It's a... It's a... 27 00:01:59,560 --> 00:02:03,394 It's a small, off-duty Czechoslovakian traffic warden. 28 00:02:03,600 --> 00:02:05,875 Yes! You did it! What's this? 29 00:02:06,080 --> 00:02:08,833 - It's a red and blue golfing umbrella. - Kryten! Yes! 30 00:02:09,000 --> 00:02:10,672 - What's this? - It's an apple. 31 00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:13,035 - No. What is it? - It's... It's... 32 00:02:13,240 --> 00:02:15,800 It's the Bolivian navy on manoeuvres. 33 00:02:16,600 --> 00:02:19,068 - Kryten, you can do it. - No, I can't. 34 00:02:19,240 --> 00:02:22,038 Yes, you... Whoa, nice one! 35 00:02:22,240 --> 00:02:26,358 I can't hang around. I'd better take the penguin for a walk. 36 00:02:26,520 --> 00:02:29,114 I can do it! I did it again! I can lie! 37 00:02:29,280 --> 00:02:32,477 - Cat, come here. Check this. Check this. - Check what? 38 00:02:32,640 --> 00:02:35,200 Concentrate, Kryten. What's this? 39 00:02:35,400 --> 00:02:37,516 It's a banana. 40 00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:40,270 - What's this? - It's an orange. 41 00:02:40,480 --> 00:02:43,392 - What's this? - (SQUEAKS) Apple. 42 00:02:43,600 --> 00:02:46,433 You taught him that? That's terrific. 43 00:02:47,600 --> 00:02:50,637 You two should audition for ''What's My Fruit?'' 44 00:02:50,840 --> 00:02:53,308 - He did it wrong. - It gets better? 45 00:02:53,480 --> 00:02:56,278 - I just can't do it. - You just did it. 46 00:02:56,480 --> 00:03:00,029 Not when there's someone else there. What's a suitable human analogy? 47 00:03:00,200 --> 00:03:05,797 It's like trying to urinate standing next to a man two foot taller than you. 48 00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:09,430 - It's just not possible. - What are you trying to do? 49 00:03:09,640 --> 00:03:12,359 - He's trying to teach me to lie. - Any reason? 50 00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:17,031 Yeah. Lying's a vital part of your psychological defence system. 51 00:03:17,240 --> 00:03:20,550 If you can't lie, you can't conceal your true intentions. 52 00:03:20,720 --> 00:03:22,711 Sometimes that's essential. 53 00:03:22,880 --> 00:03:27,715 Take Nelson, when he put the telescope to his blind eye and said, ''I see no ships.'' 54 00:03:27,880 --> 00:03:32,670 Or Humphrey Bogart in ''Casablanca'', when he lies to Victor Laszlo to spare his feelings. 55 00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:36,395 I understand, sir. How often have we watched that movie? 56 00:03:36,560 --> 00:03:39,996 I know it can be noble to lie. I just can't. 57 00:03:40,200 --> 00:03:43,192 Kryten, you can. Look, what's this? 58 00:03:43,360 --> 00:03:46,670 It's a banana. It always has been. It always will be. 59 00:03:46,840 --> 00:03:50,196 It's a yellow fruit that you unzip and eat. A banana. 60 00:03:51,080 --> 00:03:54,117 - Lister, is Kryten with you? - Yeah, what's the prob? 61 00:03:54,320 --> 00:03:57,676 I've been waiting 20 minutes for him in the hangar. 62 00:03:57,880 --> 00:04:01,714 Oh, spin my nipple nuts and send me to Alaska! 63 00:04:01,880 --> 00:04:04,030 I'm supposed to take him asteroid spotting. 64 00:04:04,240 --> 00:04:07,550 - I'll be right down, sir. - You'd better be. 65 00:04:07,760 --> 00:04:10,115 Kryten, remember yesterday's class on insults? 66 00:04:10,320 --> 00:04:13,596 - I'm not sure... - How do we describe that gentleman? 67 00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:15,916 - He's Mr... - No, no, no. He's a... 68 00:04:16,080 --> 00:04:19,072 - He's a smeee... - Nearly. Come on. Nearly. 69 00:04:19,280 --> 00:04:21,555 - He's a smeee... - He's a... 70 00:04:21,760 --> 00:04:25,230 He's a smeee... He's a smeeeg... 71 00:04:25,440 --> 00:04:27,476 heeeeead. 72 00:04:27,640 --> 00:04:29,631 I did it! 73 00:04:29,800 --> 00:04:34,715 Brutal. Now the ultimate test - can you say it to him in person? 74 00:04:35,600 --> 00:04:39,354 Ah, Kryten. At last. Glad you could make it this millennium. 75 00:04:39,560 --> 00:04:41,278 Smeeeee.... 76 00:04:42,640 --> 00:04:46,155 - Pardon? - Smeeeee...heeeee.... 77 00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:49,235 - What? - You're a smeeeee...heeeee.... 78 00:04:49,400 --> 00:04:52,073 Oh, forget it. 79 00:04:57,440 --> 00:05:00,432 (RIMMER) Kryten, could we go just a bit faster? 80 00:05:00,640 --> 00:05:03,359 So we're not being overtaken by stationary objects? 81 00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:06,476 Sir, you're a smeeeee... 82 00:05:08,800 --> 00:05:12,918 - A smee. - A smeeeee...heeeee.... 83 00:05:13,760 --> 00:05:15,751 A smee-hee. 84 00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:18,235 A complete and total one. 85 00:05:18,440 --> 00:05:21,750 I'm picking something up. Some kind of distress beacon. 86 00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:24,679 I copy that, Holly. Quadrant four-niner-seven. 87 00:05:24,880 --> 00:05:26,996 - What is it? - Hard to tell, 88 00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:29,799 but it's marooned on a planet in decaying orbit. 89 00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:32,833 - Safety margin? - Planet'll explode in two hours. 90 00:05:33,040 --> 00:05:37,158 - Forget it. It's too dangerous. - We can't leave them, sir. 91 00:05:37,320 --> 00:05:40,630 - There may be survivors. - Leave it, Kryten. That's an order. 92 00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:42,558 (BLEEPING) 93 00:05:42,720 --> 00:05:46,918 - What are you doing? - I'm not taking her down. 94 00:05:47,120 --> 00:05:52,069 - Yes, you are. - Nor am I checking the vessel for survivors. 95 00:05:52,240 --> 00:05:55,869 Kryten, this is mutiny. I could have you dismantled. 96 00:05:56,080 --> 00:05:58,196 Smeeeee...heeeee.... 97 00:05:58,360 --> 00:06:00,351 Oh, damn my programming! 98 00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:02,551 (ENGINES ROAR) 99 00:06:09,040 --> 00:06:11,076 Not back yet? They've been hours. 100 00:06:11,280 --> 00:06:13,794 - No sign. What are you watching? - Just a vid. 101 00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:15,996 - This is a classic. - What is it? 102 00:06:16,160 --> 00:06:19,038 ''Tales Of The Riverbank: The Next Generation.'' 103 00:06:19,200 --> 00:06:22,875 Oh, right. I've seen this. It's not as good as the original. 104 00:06:23,080 --> 00:06:25,514 Well, they never replaced Hammy Hamster. 105 00:06:26,640 --> 00:06:30,269 How could they? The dude smouldered. The camera loved him. 106 00:06:30,480 --> 00:06:33,233 Yeah. He was the rodent equivalent of Marlon Brando. 107 00:06:33,440 --> 00:06:35,749 Whatever happened to old Hammy? 108 00:06:35,920 --> 00:06:39,230 One minute he's a huge star with a personalised gold wheel 109 00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:42,631 and as much Edam as he could hold in his little cheeks, 110 00:06:42,800 --> 00:06:44,916 the next, obscurity. 111 00:06:45,080 --> 00:06:48,675 Probably went on the slide. The series ended, couldn't find work, 112 00:06:48,840 --> 00:06:52,594 and then the ultimate humiliation... hamstergrams. 113 00:06:55,360 --> 00:06:58,511 Well, thanks a bunch. Thanks a smegging buncharoony. 114 00:06:58,720 --> 00:07:02,952 - Rimmer, where are you? - That idiot droid has endangered this vessel 115 00:07:03,120 --> 00:07:05,873 by landing on a planet that's about to explode, 116 00:07:06,040 --> 00:07:08,793 thanks to your foundation course in advanced rebellion. 117 00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:12,788 - Why? - To search some starship escape vessel 118 00:07:12,960 --> 00:07:16,396 because there's a million-to-one chance there may be a survivor. 119 00:07:16,560 --> 00:07:20,712 - You let him go alone? - Of course. I was glad to get rid of him. 120 00:07:20,880 --> 00:07:22,996 He's flipped. He's got mad droid disease. 121 00:07:23,160 --> 00:07:27,199 He kept waving a banana around and calling it a female aardvark. 122 00:07:28,200 --> 00:07:30,634 Well, you'd better get after him. 123 00:07:30,800 --> 00:07:33,678 - He might need help. - Lister, this is your fault. 124 00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:41,873 Hello? Is there anyone here? 125 00:07:43,560 --> 00:07:45,551 Can anyone read me? 126 00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:48,714 Oh, dear. What a terrible mess. 127 00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:59,836 Help! Mr Rimmer, sir! Sir? 128 00:08:10,880 --> 00:08:16,318 I thank you from the bottom of my rehydration units. You saved my life. 129 00:08:16,480 --> 00:08:19,199 You responded to my distress call. You saved mine. 130 00:08:19,360 --> 00:08:22,591 - My name is Kryten. - Camille. Pleased to meet you. 131 00:08:22,800 --> 00:08:26,713 - Are you a 4,000 series? - Yes, I'm the 4,000 series GTi. 132 00:08:26,920 --> 00:08:30,629 GTi! Oh, wow! I'm just a plain old 4,000 series. 133 00:08:30,800 --> 00:08:35,920 You've got all the luxury extras, like realistic toes and a slide-back sunroof head. 134 00:08:36,080 --> 00:08:38,548 Why are you looking at me like that? 135 00:08:39,280 --> 00:08:44,229 Sorry. Stare mode cancel. It's just you have really amazing eyes. 136 00:08:44,440 --> 00:08:49,719 Well...they're just the old 579s with the automatic 15F-stop cornea. 137 00:08:49,880 --> 00:08:53,236 I could pop them out and you could borrow them. 138 00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:55,675 Heck. What a jerky thing to say. 139 00:08:55,840 --> 00:08:58,991 I don't believe you would ever say anything jerky. 140 00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:00,713 - Really? - Really. 141 00:09:00,920 --> 00:09:05,038 Wow. Uh, listen, I...I know this will sound like a corny line, 142 00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:10,479 but do you know that the configuration of your features is extraordinarily apposite? 143 00:09:10,680 --> 00:09:14,070 - You really know all the lines. - No, I really mean it. 144 00:09:14,240 --> 00:09:17,437 The way the light catches your head - it's enchanting. 145 00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:20,951 - I am Kryten. - You already said. 146 00:09:21,160 --> 00:09:24,596 Oh, yes. You must think me as stupid as a photocopier. 147 00:09:25,760 --> 00:09:28,433 So, where are the crew? What happened here? 148 00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:31,876 Kryten, do you believe in advanced mutual compatibility 149 00:09:32,040 --> 00:09:34,600 on the basis of a primary initial ident? 150 00:09:34,800 --> 00:09:37,109 What humans call ''love at first sight''? 151 00:09:37,320 --> 00:09:39,390 That would be an adequate synonym. 152 00:09:39,600 --> 00:09:43,309 Until a moment ago, I'd have said the probability was zero squared. 153 00:09:43,520 --> 00:09:46,717 - And now? - Uh... This gantry is unstable. 154 00:09:46,880 --> 00:09:49,314 I suggest you hang on to me. 155 00:09:49,480 --> 00:09:52,392 Oh, what is that fragrance? It smells divine. 156 00:09:52,600 --> 00:09:55,319 - WD-40. - I knew it. 157 00:09:55,480 --> 00:09:58,199 I knew it. I use it on my neck hinges too. 158 00:09:58,400 --> 00:10:01,517 Kryten, this shouldn't be happening. Do you feel it too? 159 00:10:01,720 --> 00:10:05,110 You mean the 93.72% compatibility factor? 160 00:10:05,320 --> 00:10:09,791 - I make it 93.75. - Oh, yes. I forgot to carry the three. 161 00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:14,152 - Say it. Say the words. - It sounds ridiculous from a mechanoid. 162 00:10:14,360 --> 00:10:16,715 - Then say them in machine language. - OK. 163 00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:22,000 In Z80012, using hex rather than binary, and converting to a basic ASC2 code, 164 00:10:22,480 --> 00:10:26,393 Camille, I think I E5-A9-08-B7 you. 165 00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:30,636 - You really mean that? - Camille, I'd do anything for you. 166 00:10:30,800 --> 00:10:35,032 I'd compute a three-million-digit prime number to make you happy. 167 00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:38,272 I'd evaluate pi to infinity to make you smile. 168 00:10:38,480 --> 00:10:42,189 Oh, Kryten. You make the most romantic calculations. 169 00:10:42,360 --> 00:10:44,828 (RIMMER) Kryten, can you read me? What's happening? 170 00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:46,991 - There are others? - Yes, why? 171 00:10:47,160 --> 00:10:49,151 - I can't meet them. - What do you mean? 172 00:10:49,320 --> 00:10:52,357 Two of us alone could work. Don't make me explain. 173 00:10:52,520 --> 00:10:55,398 But this whole planet is about to blow. 174 00:10:55,560 --> 00:10:57,915 I can't meet your shipmates. Trust me. 175 00:10:58,080 --> 00:11:00,878 But you'll like them. Well, some of them. 176 00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:04,271 Well, one of them...maybe. 177 00:11:04,440 --> 00:11:06,431 Sir. I'm making my way back. 178 00:11:06,600 --> 00:11:11,355 - What's kept you? - I've found a survivor. We're coming in. 179 00:11:19,480 --> 00:11:22,199 Kryten, don't make me do this. I'm begging you. 180 00:11:22,360 --> 00:11:24,828 Just relax. Everything's going to be fine. 181 00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:26,319 Mr Rimmer, sir? 182 00:11:26,480 --> 00:11:29,438 - Where the smeg have you been? - Mr Rimmer, Camille. 183 00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:32,876 Camille, Second Tech Rimmer. She saved my life, sir. 184 00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:35,349 (DREAMY MUSIC) 185 00:11:36,080 --> 00:11:38,230 Yes, well... Howdy. 186 00:11:39,040 --> 00:11:42,669 - Howdy. - You see? I knew you'd get along. 187 00:11:42,840 --> 00:11:47,470 Well, I'd better start the engines and get us clear of the impact zone. 188 00:11:47,680 --> 00:11:52,117 - I'll come with you. - No, no. You stay and get acquainted. 189 00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:56,350 Can I get you anything...or anything? 190 00:11:56,560 --> 00:11:59,233 No. No, no. I'm fine, thanks. 191 00:11:59,400 --> 00:12:02,756 I can't believe I've met another hologram after all these years. 192 00:12:02,920 --> 00:12:07,391 - Yes. I was Second Technician on that crate. - That's what I am. 193 00:12:07,600 --> 00:12:11,149 I wanted to go further, but I'm a dope in exams. 194 00:12:11,360 --> 00:12:13,157 Me too. 195 00:12:13,840 --> 00:12:15,831 So, er...what do they call you? 196 00:12:16,040 --> 00:12:21,433 Well, my first name is Arnold, but the guys generally call me...Duke. 197 00:12:23,160 --> 00:12:26,709 - Duke? - Yes, well...not absolutely all the time. 198 00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:30,509 In fact, sometimes months elapse without being called ''Duke'' at all. 199 00:12:30,680 --> 00:12:34,673 So don't call me ''Duke'' in front of anyone... because they might have forgotten... 200 00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:36,831 that they call me ''Duke''. 201 00:12:37,040 --> 00:12:39,235 Sorry, I'm no good at small talk. 202 00:12:39,440 --> 00:12:42,591 - Oh, I think you're perfectly charming. - Do you? 203 00:12:42,760 --> 00:12:46,355 Well, thank you. No one's ever said I was charming before. 204 00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:51,753 They've said, ''Rimmer, you're a total git,'' but never charming, no. 205 00:12:51,920 --> 00:12:54,434 - Well, I think you're very charming. - Really? 206 00:12:54,640 --> 00:12:56,551 Very, VERY charming. 207 00:12:57,600 --> 00:13:00,797 Well, thank you. Um...thank you. 208 00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:04,635 I'd just better go and see how er...Kryten's getting on. 209 00:13:04,800 --> 00:13:06,597 Excusez-moi. 210 00:13:17,080 --> 00:13:20,038 - She's quite something, isn't she, sir? - She's enchanting. 211 00:13:20,240 --> 00:13:22,390 - You think so? - She's got everything - 212 00:13:22,560 --> 00:13:24,710 style, taste, poise... 213 00:13:24,880 --> 00:13:29,237 - She's absolutely lovely. - Oh, I'm so glad you think so, sir. 214 00:13:29,440 --> 00:13:32,830 I'll tell you, I think there's romance in the air. 215 00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:35,958 You sly old dog, Krytie! I think you're right. 216 00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:40,518 Sure, her nose is a little loose, but that's just cute. 217 00:13:42,520 --> 00:13:46,752 I'll tell you something. She's so like my sister-in-law Janine, it's untrue. 218 00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:50,316 Camille looks like your sister-in-law? What happened? 219 00:13:50,480 --> 00:13:52,835 Was she involved in a car accident? 220 00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:57,914 Who? Janine? No, she was a model. 221 00:13:58,120 --> 00:14:02,079 - And she looked like Camille? - Absolutely. The resemblance is uncanny. 222 00:14:02,280 --> 00:14:05,192 What did she model? Spark plugs? 223 00:14:05,360 --> 00:14:08,113 - I happen to think she's very attractive. - You do?! 224 00:14:08,320 --> 00:14:10,834 - Certainly. - Do you think I'm attractive? 225 00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:15,993 You? Of course not. You look like a giant half-chewed rubber-tipped pencil. 226 00:14:17,680 --> 00:14:20,114 Well, think what the heck you like, 227 00:14:20,280 --> 00:14:24,876 because some people in this big old cosmos think I'm pretty amazing-looking, 228 00:14:25,040 --> 00:14:28,919 especially in the eye department, I thank you so very much. 229 00:14:38,600 --> 00:14:40,750 You're back. I heard. 230 00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:44,678 - Ah, sir, meet Camille. - Hi. 231 00:14:44,880 --> 00:14:47,235 I'll go and prepare your quarters. 232 00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:50,631 The penthouse suite on A Deck should suffice. 233 00:14:54,080 --> 00:14:58,153 Well, this looks fine. If you remove your clothes, we'll begin the examination. 234 00:14:59,160 --> 00:15:01,310 Sorry. Dave Lister, ship's surgeon. 235 00:15:02,360 --> 00:15:04,954 - You're a surgeon? - Well, I'm not fully qualified, 236 00:15:05,120 --> 00:15:08,317 but I've seen every episode of ''St Elsewhere''. 237 00:15:08,480 --> 00:15:11,438 If you like, we can dispense with the examination 238 00:15:11,600 --> 00:15:13,955 and go straight for the malpractice. 239 00:15:14,640 --> 00:15:17,677 So relax, and I'll turn on the laughing gas. 240 00:15:17,840 --> 00:15:20,673 Giggles or guffaws? It's all the same to me. 241 00:15:20,880 --> 00:15:23,155 Something tells me you're not a doctor. 242 00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:28,474 What gave it away? The fact that I've gone fully ten seconds without patronising you? 243 00:15:28,640 --> 00:15:34,670 This is weird. The last two humans in an infinite cosmos and we bump into each other. 244 00:15:34,880 --> 00:15:38,998 - Yeah, it is weird, isn't it? - We have an awesome responsibility. 245 00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:41,270 - We do? - Yeah. Sure we do. 246 00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:44,398 To rebuild the human race... as quickly as possible. 247 00:15:44,600 --> 00:15:48,309 Do you wanna start now or clean your teeth first? 248 00:15:49,160 --> 00:15:51,196 And they say romance is dead. 249 00:15:51,400 --> 00:15:55,951 The prospect of making love to a stranger is just as galling to me. 250 00:15:56,160 --> 00:16:00,153 We've got to be professional about this, totally clinical and unemotional. 251 00:16:00,320 --> 00:16:03,790 So just lie back and I'll slip into my Spiderman costume. 252 00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:09,919 Ah, Listy. I see you've met our ravishing guest. 253 00:16:10,080 --> 00:16:13,550 - Camille, have you seen Kryten? - He went up to A Deck. 254 00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:15,751 Thanks muchly. 255 00:16:16,320 --> 00:16:19,198 Oh, Camille... It's just a silly thought, really, 256 00:16:19,360 --> 00:16:23,672 but I thought after you've settled in, we could pop up to the projection room 257 00:16:23,880 --> 00:16:28,556 and I could talk you through my photo collection of 20th-century telegraph poles. 258 00:16:28,720 --> 00:16:31,393 Yeah, or if you fancy a more entertaining time, 259 00:16:31,600 --> 00:16:35,513 you can just let him shoot you through the head. 260 00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:40,157 As it happens, Listy, Camille is into telegraph poles as much as I am, 261 00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:43,875 especially the 1952 Phase Fours with the triple-reinforced wire. 262 00:16:44,040 --> 00:16:47,350 - What? You're into telegraph poles? - Of course not. 263 00:16:47,560 --> 00:16:51,269 You see? And she's also a big fan of Reggie Wilson. 264 00:16:51,480 --> 00:16:55,155 - What? You like Hammond organ music?! - It's mindless pap. 265 00:16:55,360 --> 00:16:58,352 Absolutely amazing, eh? Reggie Wilson, telegraph poles... 266 00:16:58,520 --> 00:17:00,875 It's uncanny how much we've got in common. 267 00:17:01,080 --> 00:17:03,514 - Are you OK, Rimmer? - Never better. 268 00:17:03,680 --> 00:17:07,070 Where is he? A Deck? Ciao for now. 269 00:17:10,560 --> 00:17:12,915 - What was all that about? - What about? 270 00:17:13,120 --> 00:17:17,398 You were saying one thing and Rimmer was hearing another. How do you do that? 271 00:17:18,360 --> 00:17:20,874 Well, you'd probably have worked it out eventually. 272 00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:23,031 I'm a Pleasure GELF. 273 00:17:32,120 --> 00:17:34,429 Hey, what's going on, buddy? 274 00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:38,838 Eraserhead says she's a mechanoid and Captain Sadness says she's a hologram. 275 00:17:39,040 --> 00:17:41,838 Well, she's both and neither. She's a GELF. 276 00:17:42,040 --> 00:17:44,395 - GELF? - Yeah. A Genetically Engineered Life Form. 277 00:17:44,560 --> 00:17:48,155 She's a Pleasure GELF, created to be everyone's perfect companion. 278 00:17:48,320 --> 00:17:53,189 Everyone perceives her differently. You see what you wanna see, what you most desire. 279 00:17:53,400 --> 00:17:56,836 Are you telling me I'll see my perfect mate? 280 00:17:57,000 --> 00:18:00,834 Mmm, yeah, and she'll fall instantly in love with you. 281 00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:04,595 What exquisite treasure of loveliness lies behind those doors? 282 00:18:04,760 --> 00:18:10,551 Knowing you, a 6ft Valkyrie warrior in scanty armour with a cleavage you can ski down. 283 00:18:10,720 --> 00:18:12,756 Stop. You're making me dribble. 284 00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:14,990 Well, here goes. 285 00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:23,597 Hi, buddy. 286 00:18:24,480 --> 00:18:26,789 - You're me. - Who else? 287 00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:31,039 - I'm the object of my own desire? - Can you think of anyone more deserving? 288 00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:36,837 Well, if you put it like that, I guess you're right. Damn my vanity! 289 00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:39,594 (BOTH) Ooow! 290 00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:45,790 - What did you see? - Oh, just some gorgeous chunk of loveliness. 291 00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:48,633 - Come on. - Ooh, what a body! 292 00:18:48,800 --> 00:18:51,439 - What did you see? - My legs are still shaking. 293 00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:55,718 - Cat, what did you see? - Someone get me a brandy! 294 00:19:00,840 --> 00:19:04,230 Well, I should've guessed. It was just too strange, 295 00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:09,190 actually meeting someone who didn't want to vomit over me in loathing and disgust. 296 00:19:09,680 --> 00:19:12,319 Don't take it so personally, sir. 297 00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:16,234 We all feel foolish, used, chewed up and spat out. 298 00:19:16,440 --> 00:19:20,479 Look, she didn't mean any harm. She can't control how we see her. 299 00:19:20,680 --> 00:19:22,955 She's...a mirror for our obsessions. 300 00:19:23,160 --> 00:19:27,233 - Holly, what did you see? - Nothing. I don't have any desires. 301 00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:29,630 Either that, or me screen was foggy. 302 00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:35,678 I guess I owe you all an apology. 303 00:19:35,880 --> 00:19:38,553 Sorry, Dave. 304 00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:41,115 Sorry, Duke. 305 00:19:41,320 --> 00:19:44,835 - Sorry, buddy. - Heartbreaker! 306 00:19:45,360 --> 00:19:48,750 I told you it wouldn't work, Kryten, if there were others. 307 00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:52,077 You're hurt the most. You're not used to these emotions. 308 00:19:52,280 --> 00:19:57,752 - Why did you lie to me? - I felt something I'd never felt before. 309 00:19:57,920 --> 00:20:01,117 I knew if you saw the real me you'd be repelled. 310 00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:03,117 Well, try me. 311 00:20:03,280 --> 00:20:06,670 Turn away and I'll change to what I really am. 312 00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:10,951 (PLOP!) 313 00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:13,512 I'm ready. 314 00:20:18,840 --> 00:20:22,230 - This is what I really look like. - Oh. 315 00:20:23,160 --> 00:20:26,914 - What do you think? - Well, I think you look...really nice. 316 00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:32,708 Nice? She looks like something that dropped out of the Sphinx's nose! 317 00:20:34,560 --> 00:20:37,393 He's right. I'm just a huge green blob. 318 00:20:37,600 --> 00:20:40,990 True, but as huge green blobs go, you're really cute. 319 00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:45,669 - I don't believe you. - OK, you'll never make the cover of ''Vogue'', 320 00:20:45,840 --> 00:20:47,956 but, hey, neither will I. 321 00:20:48,120 --> 00:20:50,634 - I think you're really sweet. - You're lying. 322 00:20:50,800 --> 00:20:54,918 - I can't lie. I'm a mechanoid. - You really don't think I'm repulsive? 323 00:20:55,120 --> 00:20:58,999 Of course not. There's some humans not as attractive as you. 324 00:20:59,160 --> 00:21:03,358 Take Karl Malden, and he was a famous actor. 325 00:21:03,520 --> 00:21:09,152 You think this changes anything? Camille, I'd be grateful if you joined me for dinner tonight. 326 00:21:09,360 --> 00:21:14,195 - You mean that? - Parrot's Bar. I'll meet you there at eight. 327 00:21:15,320 --> 00:21:17,515 Flats or heels? 328 00:21:23,880 --> 00:21:26,758 I can't believe he's really going through with this. 329 00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:33,035 Look, if Kryten wants to take an amorphous green blob for a discreet tete-a-tentacle, 330 00:21:33,200 --> 00:21:35,714 - I say good luck to him. - Me too. 331 00:21:35,880 --> 00:21:40,271 We all react differently. When Steve McQueen met the Blob, he tried to kill it. 332 00:21:40,440 --> 00:21:43,432 He probably never thought of taking it to a restaurant. 333 00:21:43,880 --> 00:21:46,599 I know. They should go to a sushi bar. 334 00:21:46,760 --> 00:21:50,070 At least the food won't look better than his date. 335 00:21:51,200 --> 00:21:54,272 Sir. I respect your sense of dress more than anything, 336 00:21:54,440 --> 00:21:57,716 and I'd really appreciate your opinion of this outfit. 337 00:21:57,880 --> 00:22:02,749 Kryten, if I was going out with a ball of slime, that's how I'd dress. 338 00:22:03,560 --> 00:22:07,269 Thank you, sir. That means a lot to me. Well... 339 00:22:07,440 --> 00:22:09,715 don't wait up! 340 00:22:12,880 --> 00:22:15,519 (PIANO PLAYS LOUNGE MUSIC) 341 00:22:19,960 --> 00:22:21,951 (SLURPS) 342 00:22:26,840 --> 00:22:29,832 - Isn't this enchanting? - Oh, Kryten. 343 00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:33,834 - Could we make it, you and I? - It's the old, old story. 344 00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:36,275 Droid meets droid. Droid becomes chameleon. 345 00:22:36,440 --> 00:22:40,228 Droid loses chameleon. Chameleon becomes blob. Droid gets blob back again. 346 00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:43,949 - It's a classic tale. - A toast, my love. 347 00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:46,271 To us. 348 00:22:49,400 --> 00:22:51,550 (DISCO MUSIC) 349 00:22:56,200 --> 00:22:59,875 (MUSIC: ''THE BLUE DANUBE'') 350 00:23:01,240 --> 00:23:03,549 (MUSIC: ''AS TIME GOES BY'') 351 00:23:03,760 --> 00:23:07,673 ''Casablanca.'' What a movie. I must have seen it a thousand times. 352 00:23:07,840 --> 00:23:10,229 Lister used it as part of my course. 353 00:23:10,400 --> 00:23:13,198 It's littered with examples of how lying can be noble. 354 00:23:13,800 --> 00:23:17,509 From now on, my angel, ''Casablanca'' will be our movie, and... 355 00:23:17,680 --> 00:23:21,832 Sorry to gooseberry, Kryten, but we've got a visitor. He wants to see Camille. 356 00:23:22,800 --> 00:23:26,270 I was going to tell you, Kryten. Truly I was. 357 00:23:26,480 --> 00:23:31,076 - You have a husband?! - We're androgynous, but I suppose I do. 358 00:23:31,240 --> 00:23:36,155 Hector has a brilliant mind. He's worked on an antidote for our condition for years. 359 00:23:36,360 --> 00:23:39,432 - Hector's a blob too? - We're both blobs, Kryten. 360 00:23:39,600 --> 00:23:43,149 I left him long ago. I thought he'd given up looking. 361 00:23:43,360 --> 00:23:45,874 - He must really think a lot of you. - I guess. 362 00:23:46,080 --> 00:23:49,914 - What will you do? - I'll tell him I met someone else. 363 00:23:50,080 --> 00:23:54,358 I'm going to tell him I'm staying here with you. 364 00:23:59,400 --> 00:24:03,313 Mr Lister, would you take Camille's bag on board? 365 00:24:03,520 --> 00:24:07,877 - Certainly, Kryten. Anything you say. - Why my bag, Kryten? 366 00:24:08,080 --> 00:24:11,231 You're getting on that craft with Hector where you belong. 367 00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:13,431 - No, Kryten. - Listen to me. 368 00:24:13,600 --> 00:24:16,831 Do you know what you've got to look forward to here? 369 00:24:17,040 --> 00:24:20,430 - You're saying this to make me go. - You belong to Hector. 370 00:24:20,600 --> 00:24:25,390 You're part of his work. If you don't get on that craft, you'll regret it, 371 00:24:25,560 --> 00:24:29,758 maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life. 372 00:24:29,960 --> 00:24:32,997 - What about us? - We'll always have Parrot's. 373 00:24:33,200 --> 00:24:36,510 - Oh, Kryten. - I'm no good at being noble, kid. 374 00:24:36,680 --> 00:24:43,119 The problems of two blobs and a droid don't amount to a hill of beans in this cosmos. 375 00:24:45,520 --> 00:24:47,750 Are you ready, Camille? 376 00:24:48,920 --> 00:24:51,275 I'm ready. Goodbye, Kryten. 377 00:24:51,440 --> 00:24:53,431 God bless you. 378 00:24:53,640 --> 00:24:57,633 (MELODRAMATIC MUSIC) 379 00:25:03,160 --> 00:25:07,472 - You were lying, Kryten. - Yes, but it was her best shot at happiness. 380 00:25:07,680 --> 00:25:11,832 It's the old, old story. Droid meets droid. Droid becomes chameleon. 381 00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:15,515 Droid loses chameleon. Chameleon turns into blob. Droid gets blob back. 382 00:25:15,680 --> 00:25:20,151 Blob meets blob. Blob goes off with blob. Droid loses blob, chameleon and droid. 383 00:25:20,320 --> 00:25:23,630 How many times have we seen that story? 384 00:25:23,800 --> 00:25:26,951 - I suppose you're gonna blame me. - Yes, I am. 385 00:25:27,120 --> 00:25:32,148 Without your bananas, movies and aardvarks, none of this could have happened. 386 00:25:32,320 --> 00:25:34,629 You're a complete and total smeghead. 387 00:25:35,360 --> 00:25:37,510 Brutal, Kryten. You just insulted me. 388 00:25:37,720 --> 00:25:40,234 Yes. I can lie, cheat AND be offensive now. 389 00:25:40,440 --> 00:25:44,433 Kryten, this could be the start of a beautiful friendship. 390 00:25:48,440 --> 00:25:51,876 It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere 391 00:25:52,040 --> 00:25:55,316 I'm all alone, more or less 392 00:25:55,480 --> 00:25:58,631 Let me fly far away from here 393 00:25:58,800 --> 00:26:01,439 Fun, fun, fun 394 00:26:01,600 --> 00:26:05,149 In the sun, sun, sun 395 00:26:05,320 --> 00:26:08,596 I want to lie shipwrecked and comatose 396 00:26:08,760 --> 00:26:11,832 Drinking fresh mango juice 397 00:26:12,000 --> 00:26:15,276 Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes 398 00:26:15,440 --> 00:26:18,034 Fun, fun, fun 399 00:26:18,200 --> 00:26:21,749 In the sun, sun, sun 400 00:26:21,920 --> 00:26:24,593 Fun, fun, fun 401 00:26:24,760 --> 00:26:28,878 In the sun, sun, sun 402 00:26:28,928 --> 00:26:33,478 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 35192

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