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1
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(''RED DWARF'' THEME)
2
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- What is it?
- It's a banana.
3
00:00:42,040 --> 00:00:44,031
No. Try again. What is it?
4
00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:46,714
- A banana?
- No, it isn't. What is it?
5
00:00:46,920 --> 00:00:50,356
It's an urrrr... It's an urrrr...
6
00:00:50,560 --> 00:00:52,596
It's an orange. Go on, say it.
7
00:00:52,760 --> 00:00:56,435
- This is an orange.
- It's an orrrr...
8
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It's an orrrr... It's a banana.
It's no good. I just can't do it.
9
00:01:01,120 --> 00:01:04,635
You CAN do it.
I'm gonna teach you. OK, what's this?
10
00:01:04,840 --> 00:01:07,274
- An ap...
- No, no. What is it?
11
00:01:07,480 --> 00:01:11,758
Oh, it's no good, sir. I can't lie.
I'm programmed to tell the truth.
12
00:01:11,960 --> 00:01:15,555
Kryten, it's easy. Look - an orange, a melon,
13
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a female aardvark.
14
00:01:18,760 --> 00:01:21,638
Oh, that is superb! How DO you do that?
15
00:01:21,800 --> 00:01:24,030
Especially calling a banana an aardvark.
16
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An aardvark isn't even a fruit. It's total genius.
17
00:01:29,360 --> 00:01:32,989
- Let's start again.
- Sir, we've been doing this all morning.
18
00:01:33,200 --> 00:01:36,476
Kryten, I'm going to teach you to lie and cheat,
19
00:01:36,640 --> 00:01:39,108
to be unpleasant, cruel and sarcastic.
20
00:01:39,280 --> 00:01:42,670
It's the only way to break your programming,
make you independent.
21
00:01:42,880 --> 00:01:47,078
I'm truly grateful, sir. I'd love to be
deceitful, unpleasant and offensive.
22
00:01:47,240 --> 00:01:51,313
Those are the human qualities
I admire the most. But I can't do it.
23
00:01:51,480 --> 00:01:53,357
- You can!
- I can't.
24
00:01:53,560 --> 00:01:55,312
- What's this?
- No!
25
00:01:55,520 --> 00:01:57,158
- What is it?
- Please!
26
00:01:57,360 --> 00:01:59,396
- What is it?
- It's a... It's a...
27
00:01:59,560 --> 00:02:03,394
It's a small,
off-duty Czechoslovakian traffic warden.
28
00:02:03,600 --> 00:02:05,875
Yes! You did it! What's this?
29
00:02:06,080 --> 00:02:08,833
- It's a red and blue golfing umbrella.
- Kryten! Yes!
30
00:02:09,000 --> 00:02:10,672
- What's this?
- It's an apple.
31
00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:13,035
- No. What is it?
- It's... It's...
32
00:02:13,240 --> 00:02:15,800
It's the Bolivian navy on manoeuvres.
33
00:02:16,600 --> 00:02:19,068
- Kryten, you can do it.
- No, I can't.
34
00:02:19,240 --> 00:02:22,038
Yes, you... Whoa, nice one!
35
00:02:22,240 --> 00:02:26,358
I can't hang around.
I'd better take the penguin for a walk.
36
00:02:26,520 --> 00:02:29,114
I can do it! I did it again! I can lie!
37
00:02:29,280 --> 00:02:32,477
- Cat, come here. Check this. Check this.
- Check what?
38
00:02:32,640 --> 00:02:35,200
Concentrate, Kryten. What's this?
39
00:02:35,400 --> 00:02:37,516
It's a banana.
40
00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:40,270
- What's this?
- It's an orange.
41
00:02:40,480 --> 00:02:43,392
- What's this?
- (SQUEAKS) Apple.
42
00:02:43,600 --> 00:02:46,433
You taught him that? That's terrific.
43
00:02:47,600 --> 00:02:50,637
You two should audition for ''What's My Fruit?''
44
00:02:50,840 --> 00:02:53,308
- He did it wrong.
- It gets better?
45
00:02:53,480 --> 00:02:56,278
- I just can't do it.
- You just did it.
46
00:02:56,480 --> 00:03:00,029
Not when there's someone else there.
What's a suitable human analogy?
47
00:03:00,200 --> 00:03:05,797
It's like trying to urinate
standing next to a man two foot taller than you.
48
00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:09,430
- It's just not possible.
- What are you trying to do?
49
00:03:09,640 --> 00:03:12,359
- He's trying to teach me to lie.
- Any reason?
50
00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:17,031
Yeah. Lying's a vital part
of your psychological defence system.
51
00:03:17,240 --> 00:03:20,550
If you can't lie,
you can't conceal your true intentions.
52
00:03:20,720 --> 00:03:22,711
Sometimes that's essential.
53
00:03:22,880 --> 00:03:27,715
Take Nelson, when he put the telescope
to his blind eye and said, ''I see no ships.''
54
00:03:27,880 --> 00:03:32,670
Or Humphrey Bogart in ''Casablanca'', when
he lies to Victor Laszlo to spare his feelings.
55
00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:36,395
I understand, sir.
How often have we watched that movie?
56
00:03:36,560 --> 00:03:39,996
I know it can be noble to lie. I just can't.
57
00:03:40,200 --> 00:03:43,192
Kryten, you can. Look, what's this?
58
00:03:43,360 --> 00:03:46,670
It's a banana.
It always has been. It always will be.
59
00:03:46,840 --> 00:03:50,196
It's a yellow fruit that you unzip and eat. A banana.
60
00:03:51,080 --> 00:03:54,117
- Lister, is Kryten with you?
- Yeah, what's the prob?
61
00:03:54,320 --> 00:03:57,676
I've been waiting20 minutes for him in the hangar.
62
00:03:57,880 --> 00:04:01,714
Oh, spin my nipple nuts and send me to Alaska!
63
00:04:01,880 --> 00:04:04,030
I'm supposed to take him asteroid spotting.
64
00:04:04,240 --> 00:04:07,550
- I'll be right down, sir.
- You'd better be.
65
00:04:07,760 --> 00:04:10,115
Kryten, remember yesterday's class on insults?
66
00:04:10,320 --> 00:04:13,596
- I'm not sure...
- How do we describe that gentleman?
67
00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:15,916
- He's Mr...
- No, no, no. He's a...
68
00:04:16,080 --> 00:04:19,072
- He's a smeee...
- Nearly. Come on. Nearly.
69
00:04:19,280 --> 00:04:21,555
- He's a smeee...
- He's a...
70
00:04:21,760 --> 00:04:25,230
He's a smeee... He's a smeeeg...
71
00:04:25,440 --> 00:04:27,476
heeeeead.
72
00:04:27,640 --> 00:04:29,631
I did it!
73
00:04:29,800 --> 00:04:34,715
Brutal. Now the ultimate test -
can you say it to him in person?
74
00:04:35,600 --> 00:04:39,354
Ah, Kryten. At last.
Glad you could make it this millennium.
75
00:04:39,560 --> 00:04:41,278
Smeeeee....
76
00:04:42,640 --> 00:04:46,155
- Pardon?
- Smeeeee...heeeee....
77
00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:49,235
- What?
- You're a smeeeee...heeeee....
78
00:04:49,400 --> 00:04:52,073
Oh, forget it.
79
00:04:57,440 --> 00:05:00,432
(RIMMER) Kryten,could we go just a bit faster?
80
00:05:00,640 --> 00:05:03,359
So we're not being overtaken
by stationary objects?
81
00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:06,476
Sir, you're a smeeeee...
82
00:05:08,800 --> 00:05:12,918
- A smee.
- A smeeeee...heeeee....
83
00:05:13,760 --> 00:05:15,751
A smee-hee.
84
00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:18,235
A complete and total one.
85
00:05:18,440 --> 00:05:21,750
I'm picking something up.
Some kind of distress beacon.
86
00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:24,679
I copy that, Holly. Quadrant four-niner-seven.
87
00:05:24,880 --> 00:05:26,996
- What is it?
- Hard to tell,
88
00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:29,799
but it's marooned on a planet in decaying orbit.
89
00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:32,833
- Safety margin?
- Planet'll explode in two hours.
90
00:05:33,040 --> 00:05:37,158
- Forget it. It's too dangerous.
- We can't leave them, sir.
91
00:05:37,320 --> 00:05:40,630
- There may be survivors.
- Leave it, Kryten. That's an order.
92
00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:42,558
(BLEEPING)
93
00:05:42,720 --> 00:05:46,918
- What are you doing?
- I'm not taking her down.
94
00:05:47,120 --> 00:05:52,069
- Yes, you are.
- Nor am I checking the vessel for survivors.
95
00:05:52,240 --> 00:05:55,869
Kryten, this is mutiny.
I could have you dismantled.
96
00:05:56,080 --> 00:05:58,196
Smeeeee...heeeee....
97
00:05:58,360 --> 00:06:00,351
Oh, damn my programming!
98
00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:02,551
(ENGINES ROAR)
99
00:06:09,040 --> 00:06:11,076
Not back yet? They've been hours.
100
00:06:11,280 --> 00:06:13,794
- No sign. What are you watching?
- Just a vid.
101
00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:15,996
- This is a classic.
- What is it?
102
00:06:16,160 --> 00:06:19,038
''Tales Of The Riverbank: The Next Generation.''
103
00:06:19,200 --> 00:06:22,875
Oh, right. I've seen this.
It's not as good as the original.
104
00:06:23,080 --> 00:06:25,514
Well, they never replaced Hammy Hamster.
105
00:06:26,640 --> 00:06:30,269
How could they?
The dude smouldered. The camera loved him.
106
00:06:30,480 --> 00:06:33,233
Yeah. He was the rodent equivalent
of Marlon Brando.
107
00:06:33,440 --> 00:06:35,749
Whatever happened to old Hammy?
108
00:06:35,920 --> 00:06:39,230
One minute he's a huge star
with a personalised gold wheel
109
00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:42,631
and as much Edam
as he could hold in his little cheeks,
110
00:06:42,800 --> 00:06:44,916
the next, obscurity.
111
00:06:45,080 --> 00:06:48,675
Probably went on the slide.
The series ended, couldn't find work,
112
00:06:48,840 --> 00:06:52,594
and then the ultimate humiliation...
hamstergrams.
113
00:06:55,360 --> 00:06:58,511
Well, thanks a bunch.Thanks a smegging buncharoony.
114
00:06:58,720 --> 00:07:02,952
- Rimmer, where are you?
- That idiot droid has endangered this vessel
115
00:07:03,120 --> 00:07:05,873
by landing on a planet that's about to explode,
116
00:07:06,040 --> 00:07:08,793
thanks to your foundation coursein advanced rebellion.
117
00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:12,788
- Why?
- To search some starship escape vessel
118
00:07:12,960 --> 00:07:16,396
because there's a million-to-one chancethere may be a survivor.
119
00:07:16,560 --> 00:07:20,712
- You let him go alone?
- Of course. I was glad to get rid of him.
120
00:07:20,880 --> 00:07:22,996
He's flipped. He's got mad droid disease.
121
00:07:23,160 --> 00:07:27,199
He kept waving a banana aroundand calling it a female aardvark.
122
00:07:28,200 --> 00:07:30,634
Well, you'd better get after him.
123
00:07:30,800 --> 00:07:33,678
- He might need help.
- Lister, this is your fault.
124
00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:41,873
Hello? Is there anyone here?
125
00:07:43,560 --> 00:07:45,551
Can anyone read me?
126
00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:48,714
Oh, dear. What a terrible mess.
127
00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:59,836
Help! Mr Rimmer, sir! Sir?
128
00:08:10,880 --> 00:08:16,318
I thank you from the bottom
of my rehydration units. You saved my life.
129
00:08:16,480 --> 00:08:19,199
You responded to my distress call.
You saved mine.
130
00:08:19,360 --> 00:08:22,591
- My name is Kryten.
- Camille. Pleased to meet you.
131
00:08:22,800 --> 00:08:26,713
- Are you a 4,000 series?
- Yes, I'm the 4,000 series GTi.
132
00:08:26,920 --> 00:08:30,629
GTi! Oh, wow!
I'm just a plain old 4,000 series.
133
00:08:30,800 --> 00:08:35,920
You've got all the luxury extras,
like realistic toes and a slide-back sunroof head.
134
00:08:36,080 --> 00:08:38,548
Why are you looking at me like that?
135
00:08:39,280 --> 00:08:44,229
Sorry. Stare mode cancel.
It's just you have really amazing eyes.
136
00:08:44,440 --> 00:08:49,719
Well...they're just the old 579s
with the automatic 15F-stop cornea.
137
00:08:49,880 --> 00:08:53,236
I could pop them out
and you could borrow them.
138
00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:55,675
Heck. What a jerky thing to say.
139
00:08:55,840 --> 00:08:58,991
I don't believe
you would ever say anything jerky.
140
00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:00,713
- Really?
- Really.
141
00:09:00,920 --> 00:09:05,038
Wow. Uh, listen,
I...I know this will sound like a corny line,
142
00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:10,479
but do you know that the configuration
of your features is extraordinarily apposite?
143
00:09:10,680 --> 00:09:14,070
- You really know all the lines.
- No, I really mean it.
144
00:09:14,240 --> 00:09:17,437
The way the light catches your head -
it's enchanting.
145
00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:20,951
- I am Kryten.
- You already said.
146
00:09:21,160 --> 00:09:24,596
Oh, yes. You must think me
as stupid as a photocopier.
147
00:09:25,760 --> 00:09:28,433
So, where are the crew? What happened here?
148
00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:31,876
Kryten, do you believe
in advanced mutual compatibility
149
00:09:32,040 --> 00:09:34,600
on the basis of a primary initial ident?
150
00:09:34,800 --> 00:09:37,109
What humans call ''love at first sight''?
151
00:09:37,320 --> 00:09:39,390
That would be an adequate synonym.
152
00:09:39,600 --> 00:09:43,309
Until a moment ago, I'd have said
the probability was zero squared.
153
00:09:43,520 --> 00:09:46,717
- And now?
- Uh... This gantry is unstable.
154
00:09:46,880 --> 00:09:49,314
I suggest you hang on to me.
155
00:09:49,480 --> 00:09:52,392
Oh, what is that fragrance? It smells divine.
156
00:09:52,600 --> 00:09:55,319
- WD-40.
- I knew it.
157
00:09:55,480 --> 00:09:58,199
I knew it. I use it on my neck hinges too.
158
00:09:58,400 --> 00:10:01,517
Kryten, this shouldn't be happening.
Do you feel it too?
159
00:10:01,720 --> 00:10:05,110
You mean the 93.72% compatibility factor?
160
00:10:05,320 --> 00:10:09,791
- I make it 93.75.
- Oh, yes. I forgot to carry the three.
161
00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:14,152
- Say it. Say the words.
- It sounds ridiculous from a mechanoid.
162
00:10:14,360 --> 00:10:16,715
- Then say them in machine language.
- OK.
163
00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:22,000
In Z80012, using hex rather than binary,
and converting to a basic ASC2 code,
164
00:10:22,480 --> 00:10:26,393
Camille, I think I E5-A9-08-B7 you.
165
00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:30,636
- You really mean that?
- Camille, I'd do anything for you.
166
00:10:30,800 --> 00:10:35,032
I'd compute a three-million-digit prime number
to make you happy.
167
00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:38,272
I'd evaluate pi to infinity to make you smile.
168
00:10:38,480 --> 00:10:42,189
Oh, Kryten.
You make the most romantic calculations.
169
00:10:42,360 --> 00:10:44,828
(RIMMER) Kryten, can you read me?What's happening?
170
00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:46,991
- There are others?
- Yes, why?
171
00:10:47,160 --> 00:10:49,151
- I can't meet them.
- What do you mean?
172
00:10:49,320 --> 00:10:52,357
Two of us alone could work.
Don't make me explain.
173
00:10:52,520 --> 00:10:55,398
But this whole planet is about to blow.
174
00:10:55,560 --> 00:10:57,915
I can't meet your shipmates. Trust me.
175
00:10:58,080 --> 00:11:00,878
But you'll like them. Well, some of them.
176
00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:04,271
Well, one of them...maybe.
177
00:11:04,440 --> 00:11:06,431
Sir. I'm making my way back.
178
00:11:06,600 --> 00:11:11,355
- What's kept you?
- I've found a survivor. We're coming in.
179
00:11:19,480 --> 00:11:22,199
Kryten, don't make me do this. I'm begging you.
180
00:11:22,360 --> 00:11:24,828
Just relax. Everything's going to be fine.
181
00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:26,319
Mr Rimmer, sir?
182
00:11:26,480 --> 00:11:29,438
- Where the smeg have you been?
- Mr Rimmer, Camille.
183
00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:32,876
Camille, Second Tech Rimmer.
She saved my life, sir.
184
00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:35,349
(DREAMY MUSIC)
185
00:11:36,080 --> 00:11:38,230
Yes, well... Howdy.
186
00:11:39,040 --> 00:11:42,669
- Howdy.
- You see? I knew you'd get along.
187
00:11:42,840 --> 00:11:47,470
Well, I'd better start the engines
and get us clear of the impact zone.
188
00:11:47,680 --> 00:11:52,117
- I'll come with you.
- No, no. You stay and get acquainted.
189
00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:56,350
Can I get you anything...or anything?
190
00:11:56,560 --> 00:11:59,233
No. No, no. I'm fine, thanks.
191
00:11:59,400 --> 00:12:02,756
I can't believe I've met another hologram
after all these years.
192
00:12:02,920 --> 00:12:07,391
- Yes. I was Second Technician on that crate.
- That's what I am.
193
00:12:07,600 --> 00:12:11,149
I wanted to go further, but I'm a dope in exams.
194
00:12:11,360 --> 00:12:13,157
Me too.
195
00:12:13,840 --> 00:12:15,831
So, er...what do they call you?
196
00:12:16,040 --> 00:12:21,433
Well, my first name is Arnold,
but the guys generally call me...Duke.
197
00:12:23,160 --> 00:12:26,709
- Duke?
- Yes, well...not absolutely all the time.
198
00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:30,509
In fact, sometimes months elapse
without being called ''Duke'' at all.
199
00:12:30,680 --> 00:12:34,673
So don't call me ''Duke'' in front of anyone...
because they might have forgotten...
200
00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:36,831
that they call me ''Duke''.
201
00:12:37,040 --> 00:12:39,235
Sorry, I'm no good at small talk.
202
00:12:39,440 --> 00:12:42,591
- Oh, I think you're perfectly charming.
- Do you?
203
00:12:42,760 --> 00:12:46,355
Well, thank you.
No one's ever said I was charming before.
204
00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:51,753
They've said, ''Rimmer, you're a total git,''
but never charming, no.
205
00:12:51,920 --> 00:12:54,434
- Well, I think you're very charming.
- Really?
206
00:12:54,640 --> 00:12:56,551
Very, VERY charming.
207
00:12:57,600 --> 00:13:00,797
Well, thank you. Um...thank you.
208
00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:04,635
I'd just better go
and see how er...Kryten's getting on.
209
00:13:04,800 --> 00:13:06,597
Excusez-moi.
210
00:13:17,080 --> 00:13:20,038
- She's quite something, isn't she, sir?
- She's enchanting.
211
00:13:20,240 --> 00:13:22,390
- You think so?
- She's got everything -
212
00:13:22,560 --> 00:13:24,710
style, taste, poise...
213
00:13:24,880 --> 00:13:29,237
- She's absolutely lovely.
- Oh, I'm so glad you think so, sir.
214
00:13:29,440 --> 00:13:32,830
I'll tell you, I think there's romance in the air.
215
00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:35,958
You sly old dog, Krytie! I think you're right.
216
00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:40,518
Sure, her nose is a little loose, but that's just cute.
217
00:13:42,520 --> 00:13:46,752
I'll tell you something. She's so like
my sister-in-law Janine, it's untrue.
218
00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:50,316
Camille looks like your sister-in-law?
What happened?
219
00:13:50,480 --> 00:13:52,835
Was she involved in a car accident?
220
00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:57,914
Who? Janine? No, she was a model.
221
00:13:58,120 --> 00:14:02,079
- And she looked like Camille?
- Absolutely. The resemblance is uncanny.
222
00:14:02,280 --> 00:14:05,192
What did she model? Spark plugs?
223
00:14:05,360 --> 00:14:08,113
- I happen to think she's very attractive.
- You do?!
224
00:14:08,320 --> 00:14:10,834
- Certainly.
- Do you think I'm attractive?
225
00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:15,993
You? Of course not. You look like
a giant half-chewed rubber-tipped pencil.
226
00:14:17,680 --> 00:14:20,114
Well, think what the heck you like,
227
00:14:20,280 --> 00:14:24,876
because some people in this big old cosmos
think I'm pretty amazing-looking,
228
00:14:25,040 --> 00:14:28,919
especially in the eye department,
I thank you so very much.
229
00:14:38,600 --> 00:14:40,750
You're back. I heard.
230
00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:44,678
- Ah, sir, meet Camille.
- Hi.
231
00:14:44,880 --> 00:14:47,235
I'll go and prepare your quarters.
232
00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:50,631
The penthouse suite on A Deck should suffice.
233
00:14:54,080 --> 00:14:58,153
Well, this looks fine. If you remove your clothes,
we'll begin the examination.
234
00:14:59,160 --> 00:15:01,310
Sorry. Dave Lister, ship's surgeon.
235
00:15:02,360 --> 00:15:04,954
- You're a surgeon?
- Well, I'm not fully qualified,
236
00:15:05,120 --> 00:15:08,317
but I've seen every episode of ''St Elsewhere''.
237
00:15:08,480 --> 00:15:11,438
If you like, we can dispense with the examination
238
00:15:11,600 --> 00:15:13,955
and go straight for the malpractice.
239
00:15:14,640 --> 00:15:17,677
So relax, and I'll turn on the laughing gas.
240
00:15:17,840 --> 00:15:20,673
Giggles or guffaws? It's all the same to me.
241
00:15:20,880 --> 00:15:23,155
Something tells me you're not a doctor.
242
00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:28,474
What gave it away? The fact that I've gone
fully ten seconds without patronising you?
243
00:15:28,640 --> 00:15:34,670
This is weird. The last two humans in an
infinite cosmos and we bump into each other.
244
00:15:34,880 --> 00:15:38,998
- Yeah, it is weird, isn't it?
- We have an awesome responsibility.
245
00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:41,270
- We do?
- Yeah. Sure we do.
246
00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:44,398
To rebuild the human race...
as quickly as possible.
247
00:15:44,600 --> 00:15:48,309
Do you wanna start now or clean your teeth first?
248
00:15:49,160 --> 00:15:51,196
And they say romance is dead.
249
00:15:51,400 --> 00:15:55,951
The prospect of making love to a stranger
is just as galling to me.
250
00:15:56,160 --> 00:16:00,153
We've got to be professional about this,
totally clinical and unemotional.
251
00:16:00,320 --> 00:16:03,790
So just lie back
and I'll slip into my Spiderman costume.
252
00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:09,919
Ah, Listy. I see you've met our ravishing guest.
253
00:16:10,080 --> 00:16:13,550
- Camille, have you seen Kryten?
- He went up to A Deck.
254
00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:15,751
Thanks muchly.
255
00:16:16,320 --> 00:16:19,198
Oh, Camille... It's just a silly thought, really,
256
00:16:19,360 --> 00:16:23,672
but I thought after you've settled in,
we could pop up to the projection room
257
00:16:23,880 --> 00:16:28,556
and I could talk you through my photo
collection of 20th-century telegraph poles.
258
00:16:28,720 --> 00:16:31,393
Yeah, or if you fancy a more entertaining time,
259
00:16:31,600 --> 00:16:35,513
you can just let him shoot you through the head.
260
00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:40,157
As it happens, Listy,
Camille is into telegraph poles as much as I am,
261
00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:43,875
especially the 1952 Phase Fours
with the triple-reinforced wire.
262
00:16:44,040 --> 00:16:47,350
- What? You're into telegraph poles?
- Of course not.
263
00:16:47,560 --> 00:16:51,269
You see? And she's also
a big fan of Reggie Wilson.
264
00:16:51,480 --> 00:16:55,155
- What? You like Hammond organ music?!
- It's mindless pap.
265
00:16:55,360 --> 00:16:58,352
Absolutely amazing, eh?
Reggie Wilson, telegraph poles...
266
00:16:58,520 --> 00:17:00,875
It's uncanny how much we've got in common.
267
00:17:01,080 --> 00:17:03,514
- Are you OK, Rimmer?
- Never better.
268
00:17:03,680 --> 00:17:07,070
Where is he? A Deck? Ciao for now.
269
00:17:10,560 --> 00:17:12,915
- What was all that about?
- What about?
270
00:17:13,120 --> 00:17:17,398
You were saying one thing and Rimmer
was hearing another. How do you do that?
271
00:17:18,360 --> 00:17:20,874
Well, you'd probably
have worked it out eventually.
272
00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:23,031
I'm a Pleasure GELF.
273
00:17:32,120 --> 00:17:34,429
Hey, what's going on, buddy?
274
00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:38,838
Eraserhead says she's a mechanoid
and Captain Sadness says she's a hologram.
275
00:17:39,040 --> 00:17:41,838
Well, she's both and neither. She's a GELF.
276
00:17:42,040 --> 00:17:44,395
- GELF?
- Yeah. A Genetically Engineered Life Form.
277
00:17:44,560 --> 00:17:48,155
She's a Pleasure GELF,
created to be everyone's perfect companion.
278
00:17:48,320 --> 00:17:53,189
Everyone perceives her differently. You see
what you wanna see, what you most desire.
279
00:17:53,400 --> 00:17:56,836
Are you telling me I'll see my perfect mate?
280
00:17:57,000 --> 00:18:00,834
Mmm, yeah,
and she'll fall instantly in love with you.
281
00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:04,595
What exquisite treasure of loveliness
lies behind those doors?
282
00:18:04,760 --> 00:18:10,551
Knowing you, a 6ft Valkyrie warrior in scanty
armour with a cleavage you can ski down.
283
00:18:10,720 --> 00:18:12,756
Stop. You're making me dribble.
284
00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:14,990
Well, here goes.
285
00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:23,597
Hi, buddy.
286
00:18:24,480 --> 00:18:26,789
- You're me.
- Who else?
287
00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:31,039
- I'm the object of my own desire?
- Can you think of anyone more deserving?
288
00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:36,837
Well, if you put it like that,
I guess you're right. Damn my vanity!
289
00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:39,594
(BOTH) Ooow!
290
00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:45,790
- What did you see?
- Oh, just some gorgeous chunk of loveliness.
291
00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:48,633
- Come on.
- Ooh, what a body!
292
00:18:48,800 --> 00:18:51,439
- What did you see?
- My legs are still shaking.
293
00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:55,718
- Cat, what did you see?
- Someone get me a brandy!
294
00:19:00,840 --> 00:19:04,230
Well, I should've guessed.
It was just too strange,
295
00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:09,190
actually meeting someone who didn't want
to vomit over me in loathing and disgust.
296
00:19:09,680 --> 00:19:12,319
Don't take it so personally, sir.
297
00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:16,234
We all feel foolish, used, chewed up and spat out.
298
00:19:16,440 --> 00:19:20,479
Look, she didn't mean any harm.
She can't control how we see her.
299
00:19:20,680 --> 00:19:22,955
She's...a mirror for our obsessions.
300
00:19:23,160 --> 00:19:27,233
- Holly, what did you see?
- Nothing. I don't have any desires.
301
00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:29,630
Either that, or me screen was foggy.
302
00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:35,678
I guess I owe you all an apology.
303
00:19:35,880 --> 00:19:38,553
Sorry, Dave.
304
00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:41,115
Sorry, Duke.
305
00:19:41,320 --> 00:19:44,835
- Sorry, buddy.
- Heartbreaker!
306
00:19:45,360 --> 00:19:48,750
I told you it wouldn't work, Kryten,
if there were others.
307
00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:52,077
You're hurt the most.
You're not used to these emotions.
308
00:19:52,280 --> 00:19:57,752
- Why did you lie to me?
- I felt something I'd never felt before.
309
00:19:57,920 --> 00:20:01,117
I knew if you saw the real me you'd be repelled.
310
00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:03,117
Well, try me.
311
00:20:03,280 --> 00:20:06,670
Turn away and I'll change to what I really am.
312
00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:10,951
(PLOP!)
313
00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:13,512
I'm ready.
314
00:20:18,840 --> 00:20:22,230
- This is what I really look like.
- Oh.
315
00:20:23,160 --> 00:20:26,914
- What do you think?
- Well, I think you look...really nice.
316
00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:32,708
Nice? She looks like something
that dropped out of the Sphinx's nose!
317
00:20:34,560 --> 00:20:37,393
He's right. I'm just a huge green blob.
318
00:20:37,600 --> 00:20:40,990
True, but as huge green blobs go,
you're really cute.
319
00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:45,669
- I don't believe you.
- OK, you'll never make the cover of ''Vogue'',
320
00:20:45,840 --> 00:20:47,956
but, hey, neither will I.
321
00:20:48,120 --> 00:20:50,634
- I think you're really sweet.
- You're lying.
322
00:20:50,800 --> 00:20:54,918
- I can't lie. I'm a mechanoid.
- You really don't think I'm repulsive?
323
00:20:55,120 --> 00:20:58,999
Of course not.
There's some humans not as attractive as you.
324
00:20:59,160 --> 00:21:03,358
Take Karl Malden,
and he was a famous actor.
325
00:21:03,520 --> 00:21:09,152
You think this changes anything? Camille,
I'd be grateful if you joined me for dinner tonight.
326
00:21:09,360 --> 00:21:14,195
- You mean that?
- Parrot's Bar. I'll meet you there at eight.
327
00:21:15,320 --> 00:21:17,515
Flats or heels?
328
00:21:23,880 --> 00:21:26,758
I can't believe he's really going through with this.
329
00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:33,035
Look, if Kryten wants to take an amorphous
green blob for a discreet tete-a-tentacle,
330
00:21:33,200 --> 00:21:35,714
- I say good luck to him.
- Me too.
331
00:21:35,880 --> 00:21:40,271
We all react differently. When Steve McQueen
met the Blob, he tried to kill it.
332
00:21:40,440 --> 00:21:43,432
He probably never thought
of taking it to a restaurant.
333
00:21:43,880 --> 00:21:46,599
I know. They should go to a sushi bar.
334
00:21:46,760 --> 00:21:50,070
At least the food won't look better than his date.
335
00:21:51,200 --> 00:21:54,272
Sir. I respect your sense
of dress more than anything,
336
00:21:54,440 --> 00:21:57,716
and I'd really appreciate your opinion of this outfit.
337
00:21:57,880 --> 00:22:02,749
Kryten, if I was going out
with a ball of slime, that's how I'd dress.
338
00:22:03,560 --> 00:22:07,269
Thank you, sir. That means a lot to me. Well...
339
00:22:07,440 --> 00:22:09,715
don't wait up!
340
00:22:12,880 --> 00:22:15,519
(PIANO PLAYS LOUNGE MUSIC)
341
00:22:19,960 --> 00:22:21,951
(SLURPS)
342
00:22:26,840 --> 00:22:29,832
- Isn't this enchanting?
- Oh, Kryten.
343
00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:33,834
- Could we make it, you and I?
- It's the old, old story.
344
00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:36,275
Droid meets droid. Droid becomes chameleon.
345
00:22:36,440 --> 00:22:40,228
Droid loses chameleon. Chameleon
becomes blob. Droid gets blob back again.
346
00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:43,949
- It's a classic tale.
- A toast, my love.
347
00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:46,271
To us.
348
00:22:49,400 --> 00:22:51,550
(DISCO MUSIC)
349
00:22:56,200 --> 00:22:59,875
(MUSIC: ''THE BLUE DANUBE'')
350
00:23:01,240 --> 00:23:03,549
(MUSIC: ''AS TIME GOES BY'')
351
00:23:03,760 --> 00:23:07,673
''Casablanca.'' What a movie.
I must have seen it a thousand times.
352
00:23:07,840 --> 00:23:10,229
Lister used it as part of my course.
353
00:23:10,400 --> 00:23:13,198
It's littered with examples
of how lying can be noble.
354
00:23:13,800 --> 00:23:17,509
From now on, my angel,''Casablanca'' will be our movie, and...
355
00:23:17,680 --> 00:23:21,832
Sorry to gooseberry, Kryten,
but we've got a visitor. He wants to see Camille.
356
00:23:22,800 --> 00:23:26,270
I was going to tell you, Kryten. Truly I was.
357
00:23:26,480 --> 00:23:31,076
- You have a husband?!
- We're androgynous, but I suppose I do.
358
00:23:31,240 --> 00:23:36,155
Hector has a brilliant mind. He's workedon an antidote for our condition for years.
359
00:23:36,360 --> 00:23:39,432
- Hector's a blob too?
- We're both blobs, Kryten.
360
00:23:39,600 --> 00:23:43,149
I left him long ago.I thought he'd given up looking.
361
00:23:43,360 --> 00:23:45,874
- He must really think a lot of you.
- I guess.
362
00:23:46,080 --> 00:23:49,914
- What will you do?
- I'll tell him I met someone else.
363
00:23:50,080 --> 00:23:54,358
I'm going to tell him I'm staying here with you.
364
00:23:59,400 --> 00:24:03,313
Mr Lister, would you take Camille's bag on board?
365
00:24:03,520 --> 00:24:07,877
- Certainly, Kryten. Anything you say.
- Why my bag, Kryten?
366
00:24:08,080 --> 00:24:11,231
You're getting on that craft with Hector
where you belong.
367
00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:13,431
- No, Kryten.
- Listen to me.
368
00:24:13,600 --> 00:24:16,831
Do you know
what you've got to look forward to here?
369
00:24:17,040 --> 00:24:20,430
- You're saying this to make me go.
- You belong to Hector.
370
00:24:20,600 --> 00:24:25,390
You're part of his work.
If you don't get on that craft, you'll regret it,
371
00:24:25,560 --> 00:24:29,758
maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow,
but soon and for the rest of your life.
372
00:24:29,960 --> 00:24:32,997
- What about us?
- We'll always have Parrot's.
373
00:24:33,200 --> 00:24:36,510
- Oh, Kryten.
- I'm no good at being noble, kid.
374
00:24:36,680 --> 00:24:43,119
The problems of two blobs and a droid
don't amount to a hill of beans in this cosmos.
375
00:24:45,520 --> 00:24:47,750
Are you ready, Camille?
376
00:24:48,920 --> 00:24:51,275
I'm ready. Goodbye, Kryten.
377
00:24:51,440 --> 00:24:53,431
God bless you.
378
00:24:53,640 --> 00:24:57,633
(MELODRAMATIC MUSIC)
379
00:25:03,160 --> 00:25:07,472
- You were lying, Kryten.
- Yes, but it was her best shot at happiness.
380
00:25:07,680 --> 00:25:11,832
It's the old, old story.
Droid meets droid. Droid becomes chameleon.
381
00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:15,515
Droid loses chameleon.
Chameleon turns into blob. Droid gets blob back.
382
00:25:15,680 --> 00:25:20,151
Blob meets blob. Blob goes off with blob.
Droid loses blob, chameleon and droid.
383
00:25:20,320 --> 00:25:23,630
How many times have we seen that story?
384
00:25:23,800 --> 00:25:26,951
- I suppose you're gonna blame me.
- Yes, I am.
385
00:25:27,120 --> 00:25:32,148
Without your bananas, movies and aardvarks,
none of this could have happened.
386
00:25:32,320 --> 00:25:34,629
You're a complete and total smeghead.
387
00:25:35,360 --> 00:25:37,510
Brutal, Kryten. You just insulted me.
388
00:25:37,720 --> 00:25:40,234
Yes. I can lie, cheat AND be offensive now.
389
00:25:40,440 --> 00:25:44,433
Kryten, this could be the start
of a beautiful friendship.
390
00:25:48,440 --> 00:25:51,876
It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere
391
00:25:52,040 --> 00:25:55,316
I'm all alone, more or less
392
00:25:55,480 --> 00:25:58,631
Let me fly far away from here
393
00:25:58,800 --> 00:26:01,439
Fun, fun, fun
394
00:26:01,600 --> 00:26:05,149
In the sun, sun, sun
395
00:26:05,320 --> 00:26:08,596
I want to lie shipwrecked and comatose
396
00:26:08,760 --> 00:26:11,832
Drinking fresh mango juice
397
00:26:12,000 --> 00:26:15,276
Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes
398
00:26:15,440 --> 00:26:18,034
Fun, fun, fun
399
00:26:18,200 --> 00:26:21,749
In the sun, sun, sun
400
00:26:21,920 --> 00:26:24,593
Fun, fun, fun
401
00:26:24,760 --> 00:26:28,878
In the sun, sun, sun
402
00:26:28,928 --> 00:26:33,478
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