All language subtitles for Portlandia s07e08 Ants.eng

Thank you to Fred and Carrie.
I'm so happy you guys

were able to make it tonight.

Great job, guys.
That was awesome.

Have you ever gone
to see your friend's band

and you just end up
feeling sorry for them?

Sometimes the only person
in the audience is you.

And maybe the band's parents.

Well, now there's a club
especially for this purpose.

CMFB's. Club for my
Friend's Band.

We emulate what
a real club feels like

to really boost the self-esteem
of your friend's band.

We've created a space
that looks crowded

all the time
from the stage.

Flats that move back and forth

that look like a crowd.

Lots of lights, smoke.

Can we dim the lights? Sorry.

The band can hardly see.

But they feel
a really excited crowd.

Give it up, everybody,
for Jake on the bass.

[crowd cheering]

[horn blaring]

We've got secret hiding coves

where you can have
a conversation

and the band can't see you.

Little computer stations
where I can get online

and charge my phone,
check my email.

Ooh, they just
finished a song.

- Thank you guys so much.
- Yeah.

We love you.
We have one more song for you.

Great!

[horn blaring]

We have a system
in place to ensure

that your friend's band thinks

they sold a lot of merchandise.

Hey, could I have
one CD, please?

[bell dings]

And we'll make sure
everybody knows

about how great the show went.

- [camera shutters clicking]
- [horn blares]

You're a good friend
and every time

your friend's band plays,
you've gone to the show.

Now, it's an enjoyable
experience.

This is for you.
Don't worry,

the band's gonna feel fine.

[crowd cheering]

Yeah!

Hey, this isn't that fake
club, CMFB's, is it?

- No! Are you kidding?
- I just bought a t-shirt.

That's in another
part of town.

This is a real, legit club.

Oh, okay, cool.
It is legit. Awesome.

All right, this next one's
a chillwave song.

- Hit it!
- [horn blares]

[Washed Out's
"Feel It All Around" playing]

Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com

[rock and roll music]

[eerie music]

[blows]

[slide whistle plays]

Hey! Little ant.
[chuckle]

What are you doing?

Okay.
Go say hi to your friends.

Here you go.

[ants chattering]

Nina, we're out of jelly.

Oh, man. You're dead.

Ugh.

Ugh, gross.

Lance, come here.
I wanna show you something.

- What are you doing?
- Look, I made, like,

a little amusement park
for the ants.

Just so they could feel welcome.

I even gave them names.

That's Dennis, Frank,
Mike, Rick--

Nina, these ants
are everywhere.

They're driving me crazy.
We need to call an exterminator.

Just don't be annoyed by them.
They're just nature.

- It's just animals.
- I know you love animals,

but these are insects.

What if we had an infestation
of chimpanzees?

That-- that-- those two words
don't really go together.

- Have you been to Africa?
- Ants are pests.

Well can we get, like,
a no-kill exterminator?

[light music]

[whistling]

[doorbell dings]

- Hi.
- Good morning.

- How are you?
- Hi.

- You're the exterminator?
- Yes, my name's Scout.

And, uh, you guys called
about some ants?

We have an ant problem.
But we wanted something

that doesn't harm the animals.

There's a cat
in the neighborhood.

Absolutely.
This is what I like to call

humane extermination.

We're not looking to
kill any ants.

How do you humanely rid our
house of ants, then?

Well the first thing I like to
do is get a sense of the space.

And then I'll introduce
this guy.

He's what we call an alpha ant.
I call him Coach.

He's gonna encourage these ants
to say, "You know what?

Maybe this place
ain't so great anymore."

And, uh, so they all head,
they all scurry,

they all make new lives
for themselves.

We also introduce
a kombucha blend

- that we brew at our facility.
- Oh.

And it encourages the ants
to seek other holes to live in.

I guess. It's basically
a carrot and stick situation.

His story about the carrot,
he was referring to--

once upon a time, they put
a stick in front of a donkey

but it-- the stick was connected
to the donkey's back.

- And they put a carrot.
- Mm-hmm.

And he tried to follow it to
the ends of the Earth.

And he thought, "Why the
carrot-- why can't the carrot

- go in my mouth?"
- I do have

a pretty full book today,
so if we wanna--

Extermination seems
pretty cut and dry to me.

And I don't wanna be
experimenting.

It's the only humane way
to do it

and I don't wanna think about it
anymore, Lance.

- Okay.
- We agree to do this,

but be careful.

Take off your shoes
if you're gonna

- go near the shelves.
- If you guys wanna

steer clear of me
for just a few hours.

It would be great to have
a little privacy, too.

You need privacy?

[upbeat music]

Hey, it's Scout.

I'm in.

There are some really
shocking things

in a book I have to
tell you about...

is truly disturbing.

"The Guinness Book
of World Records," yeah,

that comes out every year.

I'm looking through here,
I'm not seeing anything

in Portland and I think we need
to be in this book.

What about most parks?
I thought we had

- the most parks in the US.
- No, Minneapolis

- has the most parks.
- Longest speech.

Yes. I could speak
for a long time.

- Let's not do that.
- What about

world's fastest blinker?

[tinkling]
I mean, you can--

- Do it.
- Hard to count.

One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight, nine.

- I mean, that's a lot.
- [boinging]

You have very fast
blinking ability.

How about
world's biggest tree house?

- Uh, slowest soccer game.
- Yes, but it has to be

a record of some--
some amazing feat.

Sorry, I'm so distracted
by your nails right now.

Oh, yes. I'm working on
a record, myself.

Uh, the mayor with
the longest fingernails

- in the world.
- Don't do that.

Yeah, it's not easy.

And it's not easy on the eyes.

No, and it takes a very,

very, very long time.
[tapping on desk]

You're gonna freak out
all the other mayors.

What about, like,
the most, uh--

Why are you eating carrots?

Oh, well, it, uh--
keratin--

and the carrot
works on the nails.

I would prefer not to see you
eat with those nails.

- No.
- How about most sunglasses

- on somebody's face?
- Ah, that's funny.

That could be good,
but could that be sustained?

- What do you mean?
- Well it has to be something

the tourists are gonna
wanna come and see.

Do you think people are gonna
line up around the block

to take pictures with you
as a selfie?

I mean, really,
all I care about

is for people
to look at me and say,

"Who's that mayor?"

Oh, we're fine on tourists.

I just was hoping
to scratch this itch for you.

Mm-hmm. And to be honest,
that's one of

the great things
about these nails.

You can scratch, like,
a little itch.

Or if you need to itch your ear.
You just get in like that.

You don't have to put
your whole finger in,

you just put just the nail,
like that.

You're gonna scratch yourself,
Mr. Mayor.

Oh, there's nothing better
than a nail scratch.

I'm good on itches
right now.

- Yeah, same here.
- You got an itch, let me know.

I'm happy to scratch,
to demonstrate.

- No, thanks.
- No, thank you.

- Okay.
- [filing]

- Sir, can you do that, uh--
- All right, I'm good.

- Yeah, we'll see you later.
- Great.

- I would shake your hand, but--
- But--

- Not today.
- Yeah, not--

- Or wave.
- All right.

_

And check this out.
This is our Hall of Mayors.

Oh.

Who's that Mayor?

You got the string cheese?

- Right.
- Can Stacey come over

for a play date?

- Who's Stacey?
- She's um-- uh,

a girl at-- in my class.
Oh.

Um, Mommy and Daddy
will talk about it.

- Okay.
- [car horn honks]

Ooh, bus.

- Here we go. All right.
- All right.

- Have a good day.
- Okay.

Hi, Ron. All right.

Love you, buddy.

- Hmm.
- Okay.

- Restaurants, bars, um--
- Okay, there. Kids.

- Woodbridge Elementary.
- All right.

Stacey D. Look at that picture.
I don't like that.

- She looks loud.
- [laughs]

She gave her one star.

"This kid will get
your kid sick

and then everyone
in your family will get sick."

Yeah, but you know
who wrote that?

- Janel H.
- Oh, she's crazy.

Yeah, she's, like,
a drama queen.

"Play with this kid
at your own risk.

She's been exposed
to video games."

No. I don't--

- Ah, so what?
- No.

"Say good-bye to your
relaxing weekend."

- Oh, no.
- Okay, enough, enough, enough.

Okay. So that's it
for Stacey D.

- All right?
- Okay. Let's look at this.

Other kids nearby.

Emily D. "Had to wait 45 minutes
just to figure out

what the heck this kid
was babbling about.

Next time, I'll go next door
and talk to Benny.

Much faster conversation."

I'm not having a beer
with these kids.

I know, what--
what do you want?

Look at this one.
"Couldn't find this kid.

Looked around forever.
Went in circles.

Probably doesn't even exist."

"I think this kid
is actually 20.

Was clearly wearing a wig
and held a lollipop."

- I'm glad we're doing this.
- Ooh, who's Lindsey?

Lindsey.
"Still believes in Santa.

Doesn't know about
Internet or TV."

- I mean, that is pretty amazing.
- "She'll ask for Band-Aids,

even though she's not bleeding."

I mean, that's--
every kid does that.

- I did that.
- Okay.

- Seems good to me.
- All right,

let's go with Lindsey.

- She's got four stars.
- Great.

Okay.

[exhales]

[sighs] Let's go to
the bathroom together.

[bird cawing]

[light music]

Grover, how do you like
your play date?

- This is not Stacey.
- I know. It's-- it's Lindsey.

- I don't know her.
- Well, we don't either,

but she had a lot of
positive ratings.

Lindsey, did you know
you're four stars?

- I give her zero stars.
- [buzzer sounds]

That's not really
how it works.

We have to at least
give one star.

[cash register dings]

Is that for us?

Wow, uh, 20 bucks.

Can that give us ice cream?

- Oh, yes.
- Yes.

Five stars.

[dinging]

- Okay.
- Uh-oh, you all done?

- Uh, getting there.
- Oh, good.

Yeah, I did wanna
let you guys know

I was down in the basement
and, um,

the ants have sort of
burrowed their way into

your, uh, joists.

I don't know if you're
familiar with construction.

Uh, yeah, I am.

- Okay.
- Lance, what is a joist?

- It's a support beam.
- Then we can't just avoid

- that part of the house.
- No.

No, no, that's a death trap.

We're standing on a death trap.

You know ants are not
traditional burrowers into wood.

Well, they're sugar ants.

Okay? So you're gonna wanna
go ahead and probably

refurbish those joists.

Um, I'm not sure if
that's something

you're comfortable doing, or--

I'm very comfortable
doing that.

I'm working on
another project right now.

So I don't know
if I have the time.

Well, how much is this gonna
cost? I don't understand

- why we all of the sudden--
- I'd have to have

my guy come out and look at it.

- Yeah, sure.
- Hey, Ernie?

Excuse me?
Take off your shoes

if you're gonna go
by the shelves, sir.

Ah, this is all Cincinnati
pine, right here.

That's basically
an ant's best friend.

They're just gonna
go to town on that

like they're eating
a birthday cake.

- Cincinnati pine.
- We're gonna have to

- reroute your plumbing.
- Yeah.

We got a guy.

[hammering]

- Smells good out here.
- Hey, thanks.

So the reroute
of the pipes means

we're gonna start affecting
your electric.

I'd deal with that, but, uh,
I'm gonna finish lunch here.

- Nah, I got a guy for that.
- So does that mean we're gonna

need to deal with some drywall?

Uh, my guy might have a guy.

You got a guy.

Lance, who are all these
people? What's going on?

Yeah, we're dealing
with the ants.

- Who are you cooking for?
- The whole gang.

- You want something?
- No.

Is that a diving board?

Hey, dude.
You're a little early, no?

[sighs] He's actually
a good pool guy.

He can give you a good estimate.
Fair price.

And you know what?
You got the space for it.

- Here you go, bro.
- All right, bro.

Later.

- Hot dog?
- Good dogs.

[clock ticking]

We're here to make
your time more efficient.

You called us because why?

I'm late to everything.
I, um--

Let's try to remove
the word "Um"

- from your vocabulary.
- [beeping]

- Uh--
- And "Uh."

- Okay-- Okay--
- And "Okay."

- [beeping]
- We tailor your time.

- Great.
- We can take seconds

- out of every second.
- It's about efficiency,

- proficiency, sufficiency.
- The inc-- inciencies.

Let's go through your day.
How long does it take you

- to get up in the morning?
- Half hour.

- [beeping]
- What time you wake up?

- 6:00.
- Coffee.

- Breakfast.
- Yeah.

- You pee?
- Oh, yeah.

Peeing is work.
Push as hard as you can.

Think of it as, like, a spear.

My face turns red
with how hard I push.

- Really?
- What's your job?

I watch bridges
go up and down.

- How long is your commute?
- That's, like,

at least an hour-- traffic--

- hour and a half?
- Is there any way

- you can avoid traffic?
- I mean,

it's all the way across town.

- There are no bridges closer?
- I don't wanna

talk myself out of the job.
Can you bump the car

- in front of you?
- [beeping]

- That works.
- How about a buddy system?

You know, you got a buddy
drive you to this buddy,

this buddy drives you
to that buddy,

a couple buddies get together,
everybody helps you out

every morning, buddy's over
there at the bridge,

buddy brings you back
after work.

You know, that's what a buddy
system is, a bunch of buddies.

- Okay.
- Give me an example

- of how you waste time.
- I don't know.

I spend, like,
eight hours on Reddit.

I have the same problem.
What I did is

I got a piece of glass
and I painted

- the website Reddit on it.
- Okay.

And then I can't
click on anything,

'cause it's just a painting.

[clock ticking]

So a sleep should be fast.

What are the positions you use?

[clicking, bell dings]

- I go like this.
- Mm-hmm.

And then right back up again.

You didn't even
close your eyes.

That's the extent
of my sleep.

[ticking]

This is supposed to
organize your life.

- Right.
- You would think

that I would say
that this is not the way to go.

I think this is great.

[ticking]

Exercises, one thing you can do
is somersaults.

- One, two, three--
- Four.

[upbeat music]

Also for eye exercise
for reading the ingredients.

[ticking]

And then throughout
the rest of the day,

I've got everything with me.

- Toilet roll.
- Hair dryer, earphones.

This is for cleaning my butt.

Your toothbrush?

Did I say butt?

Uh, for brushing my teeth.

All right, so once again
this year

it's time for Burning Man.

And so we've gotta get ready,

come up with some good costumes.

A good creative idea
so we can

really make an impact this time.

What if we went as,
like, teenage bagels?

Like, everyone loves a bagel,

but do they love teenage bagels?

Oh, like made by teenagers
who are like,

- "Oh, we're closed."
- Yes.

This has gotta be, like,
enticing and beautiful

- and imaginative.
- Why don't you

cut your rat tail
for burning man?

[clears throat]

It's not a rat tail. Okay?

It's a hair waterfall.

If it were a rat tail,
it would be thinner.

Maybe it's not, like,
one rat's tail.

Maybe it's like,
there's a bunch of rats

- that are huddled up.
- That implies that my head

is the butt of the rat.

The butt of many rats.

The more you talk about it,
the more upset I'm gonna get.

And I don't want to fight.

We have to do something
really big.

You guys, something just, like--

Like an art car or something.

Wait, I think I know
what he's thinking.

The beast.
It looks down on us all.

Guys, it looks incredible.
Ahh!

Stop, stop, stop,
stop, stop, stop, stop.

You're both coming
at the same time.

No being walks like that.

So listen up--
when I say left, go left.

When I say right, go right.

Left, right, left, right.

- I'm-- so I'm right?
- I'm right.

You have to look at it
from our perspective.

Oh, I see what you're doing.

- Yeah.
- Left-- yes, yes.

So, left right.

This is the gas.

For the brake, it's this.

Don't make up weird signals
that we don't understand.

- We can hear you talking.
- Listen, I can't

hear you speak,
so let's do this:

When you're gonna say something
to me and you understand,

- beep once.
- [horn honks]

Lovely. Now you're gonna
take a step.

This is for--
[horn honks]

- Yes, what?
- Just letting you know

- that I heard you.
- [horn honks]

But no need to do it anymore.

If you're gonna go
and you've heard me, beep twice.

- [horn honks twice]
- Great.

- [horn honks twice]
- No, you just do once.

- [horn honks]
- The monster has awoken.

Forward, forward, forward,
forward, forward.

[horn honks twice]

Wait. Wait, wait, wait!

- That was too fast. Step.
- [horn honks twice]

- Stop.
- [horn honks]

- Step.
- [horn honks twice]

- Stop.
- [horn honks]

- Step.
- [horn honks twice]

- Stop. I'm here to attack.
- [horn honks twice]

- Beware...
- [horn honks]

- of the size...
- [horn honks twice]

- of my feet.
- [horns honking]

That was great, guys.
I will stomp on you.

Burning Man, all right!

Doing great, guys.
Little bit of traffic ahead.

- Hold up, there's a bridge.
- [horn honks twice]

I think we need to stop
at, like, 7-Eleven

- if we're going on a road trip.
- I wanna get lunch, too.

Don't go back! Don't go back!
There's no reason to go back.

Dakota, stop, stop, stop.

[upbeat music]

Good peanut butter. Mmm.

- Excuse me.
- Oh, hey.

I'm just, uh, checking out
your PB, here.

You guys were out of J,
so we got a guy on the way

coming with some J.

- Oops.
- Get out!

- Oh, sorry, real quick.
- Get--

Hey, Ernie, I wanna
show you something.

You see this tub, here?

I wanna lift up the tub,
I wanna see--

- Get out, get out, get out!
- All right.

I would advise you to, uh,
do some weatherproofing here.

- Right there, in the cradles.
- Absolutely.

I think you made some good,
smart decisions here.

- I'm proud of you.
- Yeah, I hang out more

with, like, biker guys,
but I like an ant guy.

- Hey.
- Lance.

Lance, hi. Can I have a moment
alone with my husband?

- Is that okay?
- Yeah.

Okay, well, why don't we
get lunch. We'll get lunch.

Not you and me, just--
Hey, guys, let's, uh,

let's get some lunch.

Lance, what is this?
There are people everywhere.

I-- there are
a lot of guys around

and-- and I didn't mean it
to get like that.

I do think we're making some
really nice improvements

in the house.

Lance, do you know how much
a skylight really costs to do?

They're charging us $800.
It's about $40 to do this.

I-- I just feel bad, you know?

'Cause it's like...
[inhales sharply]

One guy said one thing
and I agreed with it.

And now he brings someone else.
It's another nice dude,

- you know, and it's like--
- Well they're not your buddies.

I just-- I don't know if I can
be the one to kick them out.

You know what?

I think I know a guy.

- We gotta get a gutter guy.
- Hey, guys, I need a guy!

- This guy's the guy.
- I'm your guy!

Everybody listen up.
I'd like to introduce you

to somebody who knows
a lot about construction.

This is my dad.

- Who's in charge here?
- I'm your guy.

- So, uh--
- He's an exterminator.

What kinda ants are
we talking about, buddy?

- Carpenter ants?
- No, sugar ants, pal.

And, uh, what are these,
uh, sugar ants doing?

They're eating
the joists away, tough guy.

Sugar ants don't eat wood.

Hey, I said that, man.

Good for you, Lance.

- Who's the joist guy?
- Uh, I'm the joist guy.

I like your little
mini Sawzall there.

What is that, 18 volt?

39 or 40.

So why can't you just, uh,
sister the joist?

Well, the wall-- they may not
have compromised the wall,

but if it's a retaining wall--

All right, all right,
all right.

Uh, guys!
We got a dad here.

Let's scram, come on!

[energetic playful music]

[tires screeching]

Sorry they put you
through that, sweetheart.

- Aw. thanks, Dad.
- I'm really glad you called.

Hey, Lance.

- Thanks, man.
- [whip cracking]

- You call me any time.
- Will do.

All right. I'll see you
later, sweetie.

- I'll do it.
- Call your mom.

- All right.
- Ah, Nina, I, uh--

I got a little
something for you.

- What do you mean?
- Let me show you.

Lance! This is what
you were working on.

You know, a little, uh,
ant farm for your friends.

Route 66, flowering cacti,
a motorcycle, little hotel,

- a turtle.
- I love it.

You know, I'm feeling
a little antsy over here.

- Oh, yeah?
- Got a little ant hill growing.

I'm a little--
I'm a little anteater.

- You are?
- Yeah, I'm gonna get in there

and suck all the ants out.

Yeah, let's go inside.

[motorcycle engine revs]

[rock music]

Whoo-hoo!
[laughter]

We have pretty good neighbors.

He's crazy and then
there's, like,

- an older-- older lady.
- Okay.

She's really old.
Like, she's actually

like, cooler than
most people I know.

She did, like, burlesque,
like, in the '30s.

And it's like really cool and
what she's wearing is like--

would that be considered
like actual cool clothes today.

Yeah, I'd love to
meet her sometime.

Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com

Repair and Synchronization by
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