Original subtitles

[ALL SHOUTING]

HARRY: Settle down.

Okay. settle down!

Settle down! Settle--! Quiet. quiet. quiet!

Now. here's the situation. We have four women in active labor...

...and we have lost all communication with the outside world!

I want all non-court personnel out of here!

Are there any questions?

Yes?

Why is the sky blue?

Because if it was green. we wouldn't know where to stop mowing.

Any others? Then get moving. people!

-Mac. MAC: Yo.

-Get bandages. blankets. cotton and string. -Right.

-Miss Sullivan. CHRISTINE: Sir?

What the hell am I gonna do with all that stuff that Mac brings?

I got the windows boarded up. What should I do now?

We might need your help with the deliveries.

Right. I'll go boil my tools.

Great. That torque wrench might come in handy.

Your Honor. I found a medical book.

Now. there's a chapter on emergency child deliveries.

-Great. Make four copies of that. -I'll get right on it.

-Flo. -What?

-What's the first thing it says to do? -Uh. "Keep the mother from panicking."

[SCREAMING]

God. let's hope they're all that considerate.

Don't worry. baby. I'm right here.

[MARY SIGHS]

Bull. what is this woman doing laying on the salad bar?

Uh. the tables were too hard.

I guess I should've taken out that Jell-O mold. huh?

[MARY GROANS]

-Hey. come on. somebody do something. -Take it easy. Stanley.

Take it easy? She's in severe labor pains.

No. no. no. it's just some radishes sticking me in the back.

Here's the instructions. I'm afraid you guys are on your own.

Don't worry. sir. Remember. we're professional bailiffs.

Yeah. that ought to put their minds at ease.

[GROANS]

Something's happening.

Okay. Flo. Read them off.

-"Remove any restrictive clothing." -Right.

-I think they mean her. -Oh. yeah.

Oh. uh-uh.

Nobody's looking at my wife's private parts except me.

Some things are still sacred.

Well. if it were sacred. she wouldn't be in this mess now.

-My answer is no. -Fine. Then you deliver the baby.

[CRASH]

Men.

When you want them down. they're up. When you want them up. they're down.

[ELENA SCREAMS]

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

Push. Mrs. Chacone. push.

Do you have any children. Miss Sullivan?

No.

Ever had a man?

Of course I've had a man.

If I had a nickel for every man I'd had...

...I'd have a dime.

-Here. CHRISTINE: Okay.

-Aah! Look! -What is it. Miss Sullivan?

Good Lord. he's a virgin.

It's the baby.

qué?

-Tell him it's the baby. -It's the baby.

-Bob. -And his name is Bob.

What a coincidence.

-Bob. -Which one?

Tell him. in Spanish. that his baby is coming.

Yes. sir. Paco:

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

si.

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

[SCREAMSI

Shh! Shh! Shh!

-Who you telling to shush? -[STAMMERS] I'm sorry. I just--

Try pulling a Cabbage Patch doll through your nostril...

...and see what kind of sound you make.

That's it. Just let it all out.

Argh! If you don't like it. you can leave.

-I told you before. I don't need anyone. -Oh. fine.

I'll go get you a mirror and some salad tongs and you can do this yourself.

I think it's coming.

-Instructions. -Thank you.

-Tommy. get me some surgical gloves. -Uh, from where?

My briefcase, top pocket.

Great. Now I can deduct them.

[THUNDER CRASHING]

[BABS YELLS]

Babs. honey. describe for us exactly what you're feeling...

...at this crucial moment in your life.

I want you dead, Chad.

Chad, maybe let the girl be, huh? She's obviously exhausted.

They told us in class that under this stress. a woman can say outrageous things.

Things totally alien to her character.

I hate my Volvo! I want a Trans Am!

Gee. it still doesn't prepare you for the shock. though.

-Mrs. Ulin. -Babs, I'm not Mrs. Anybody.

We chose not to burden ourselves with any archaic commitments. remember?

Like a baby?

She, uh, mistook a Tic Tac for her pill.

[GROANING]

Here comes another one.

Here. here. you can hold on to my ears. Sure.

[BOTH SCREAMING]

I'm sorry. honey. I swear. it won't happen again.

Stanley has such a delicate system. Gets out of whack when he's excited.

He even faints when the Giants score a touchdown.

So does their coach.

Whoa!

[MARY PANTING]

Here's baby.

Oh, wow!

He's coming! Mary. baby Bubba is coming!

You're naming your son Bubba?

We arm-wrestled for it. My choice was Bing.

I think I'm gonna cry.

[MARY SCREAMS]

Here he comes. here he comes.

Look at the grin on that kid's face.

Bull.

That's not his face.

And that ain't no grin.

It's not?

Hey, he's backing out.

-It's a breach baby? -A breach baby!

Stay on your feet. Stanley. or I'll knock you cold.

Flo, Flo, look it up.

Yeah. Okay. here it is. Breach birth. breach birth.

Uh. "A natural delivery is still quite probable with a little guidance.

Gently insert...."

Sit. Stanley.

[ELENA PANTING]

Okay, Elena, One more push.

[PACO SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

[ELENA GROANS]

It's out.

[ELENA PANTS]

Okay. Uh. now I drain the mouth.

[BABY CRYING]

Oh, thank God.

It's a girl.

qué?

Paco.

Baby Bob es él transsexual.

[ELENA SCREAMS]

-What's the matter? -I think we got another bun in the oven.

-qué? -Another baby.

qué?

Dos babies.

Oh, no, Bob?

Let's pray this one's normal.

-Oh, my God! Oh, my God! -What's wrong?

How the hell should I know? I'm just a general practitioner.

-Fielding, get over here. -Coming, dear.

-Tommy, get behind the plate. -Me?

-What do I do? -If something comes out, catch it.

-Dan. -What?

Dan. I lied to you.

You gonna tell me this is just an incredible simulation?

I mean about not wanting anybody.

Dan.

Dan. Dan. I'm scared.

[BOTH SCREAM]

-Dan. I just don't wanna be alone. -No. you're not. you're not. you're not.

Listen. Shh. shh. shh. You're not alone.

I'm here. I'm here.

I'll stay here until the end. all right?

Now just remove your teeth from my chest...

...and we'll continue.

HARRY: It's coming. It's coming. Something's coming. I can see it.

-Could we tighten up the group just a bit? -Yeah, how's this?

Oh. fine. I got everybody now.

Okay. Babs.

[BABS & HARRY PANTING]

[ALL GRUNTING]

-Chad! -Sweetheart?

I wanna get married!

Wow. what a reaction shot.

-Babs, you what? -I wanna get married.

Bit I thought you always hated marriage as an institution.

I just said that because you felt that way.

I just said that because I thought you felt that way.

-Oh, you mean you want to? -Marry you? Yes.

Oh. Oh.

Judge, could you marry us?

I'm kind of busy right now.

Oh, please, sir, don't let our baby be born out of wedlock.

-Mac? -Yes?

Fix my hair a little, huh?

[THUNDER CRASHES]

[BABY CRYING]

It's a girl.

Wait till she hears about her brother.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

[SCREAMS]

-Oh, no. -Oh, yes.

What is this, a vending machine?

All right. Now. we need one more big push.

-I can't. I can't. I can't. -Yes. you can. You can.

Think about Hugh Hefner.

[BENAY GROWLING]

It's coming.

Sitting there in his silk pajamas with all these big-breasted. exploited women...

...catering to his every whim.

[GROWLING]

-I can see a shoulder. -Wait. Who's that coming through the door?

Oh, look, it is. It's Bobby Riggs.

[SNARLING]

-It's out. -Yes.

-Clean out its mouth. -With what?

Oh, for Pete's sake, here.

[BABY CRYING]

Oh. Oh, what is it?

It's a baby.

And it's naked.

It's a boy.

He's got a promising future.

How about that? We had a baby.

-"We" had it? -Hey.

You couldn't have done it alone.

You're right. I couldn't have.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

-Let me see him. -First, I gotta cut the cord.

-Uh, boy scout knife? -Top-left pocket.

Oh, Mom.

First. I'll cut his, then yours.

[MARY GRUNTING]

-The head's coming now. -A head?

He's got a head.

It's almost out.

-Somebody give me a blanket. -We don't have one.

Oh.

-Here. Use this. -The New York Times?

The book says that a fresh newspaper is very sanitary.

Well. okay. but use the Sports section.

You already bought him a mitt. didn't you?

-What's happening? -Somebody's having a baby.

[BABY CRYING]

Eureka!

Bubba.

Better make that Bubbette.

-I beg your pardon? -It's a girl.

No. No, it can't be.

I got pictures.

I'd clean that lens if I were you.

-Marriage license. -Oh. the ceremony.

Sir, look, sir, you gotta sign this.

Mac. I am holding a fragile human life in my hands.

Put the pen in my mouth.

Is this legal?

[HARRY MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY]

"Howie Stallone."

Close enough. Pen.

-Ceremony. -Yeah. yeah. yeah.

-Dearly beloved-- I got an arm. -Whoa. Hurry. please.

Okay. Bottom line.

Babs Townsend. do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?

[SCREAMING]

-Is that a yes? -Yes.

Okay. Hey. Chad Ulin. Chad--

-And there's another arm. -Sir?

-He's coming. -Sir?

-Okay. do you wanna marry her or what? -Yes.

Then by the power vested in me by the state. I pronounce you man and wife.

It's a boy!

[ALL YELLING]

Are you that disappointed. Stanley?

This must be your appendix or something.

-You wanna hold your daughter? -Me?

No. no. I might break it or something.

-I don't think so. -No. no. Hey. wait.

-I don't know what I'm doing. -Yes. you do.

Look at you. just like a pro.

Well, aren't you gonna look at her?

[BABY CRYING]

Little wrinkly, isn't it?

I think she'll outgrow that.

-Do you love her, Stanley? -Well, that's a stupid question.

Of course I love her.

She's Daddy's little girl.

Hey, let's call her Hacksaw.

HARRY: Oh.

-You know. Mac? -Yeah.

Someday I may have a son of my own.

-Oh, yeah? -Oh, yeah.

-You don't say. -Uh-huh.

-Sir? Sir. are you all right? -Um....

Yeah.

Yeah. I'm fine.

Why don't you fix me a nice stiff Bosco. huh. Mac?

Coming right up. sir.

[SIGHS]

[PACO SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

[THUNDER CRASHES]

Nope. That's all she wrote.

-Three beautiful girls. -qué?

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

Gracias.

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

Oh, good luck. Mr. Chacone.

And God bless your beautiful little babies.

Rosalita.

Lucinda.

And Gummo.

I suggested that.

It's Granny's nickname.

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

What'd she say?

“I love you, Paco, with all my heart."

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

"But touch me again...

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

...and it's Soprano City."

Thank you. Dan.

With all my heart.

I'll never forget you for this.

-You'll forget me. -Oh, no, I won't.

Because I'm gonna name my son after you.

Benay.

Your caring and honesty will live with me always.

[DAN SIGHS]

Caring, maybe. Honesty....

What are you trying to say?

I lied too.

Dan is not my real name.

I assumed it when I started school.

You see. my parents were slightly rural.

Pfft. Well, my parents were rural.

They kept the pigs in my room.

I was 6 before I realized they weren't related to me.

I'm sorry.

You see, my folks, well, they named their children and their pets...

...after characters they would read about in magazines or books.

Dan.

I want my baby named after you.

The real you.

Everybody got their Kool-Aid for the toast?

MAC: Oh. yeah. -Where's Benay?

-Hi, everybody. ALL: Hi.

I'd like for all of you to say hello to my new son. Reinhold.

-Reinhold? -Uh-huh.

Reinhold?

Uh, were we interrupting something?

No. not at all. I was just about to toast to your children.

May they live long and prosper.

ALL: Cheers.

Ah, and now, if you will excuse me....

Reinhold?

Can we talk?

As you probably know...

...I don't subscribe to any particular organized religion.

But then maybe neither do you. huh?

[SIGHS]

All right. I confess.

I've had more than my share of spiritual doubt.

But then I've seen some pretty glaring examples of man's inhumanity to man...

...come stomping through here night after night.

After night.

You remember that guy?

Yeah.

You remember everything. don't you?

Well, I'm telling you...

...that one just about shook--

Shook my faith down to its foundation.

And then...

...you drop a brand-new life right into my hands.

[SIGHS]

Well. if I could just have the answer to a couple of questions.

Like. if you've always been here. then where did you come from?

And does man have the capacity to rid himself of his own evil?

And why is the sky blue?

Well, I can look that one up.

But this baby stuff. boy...

...I'm telling you. that is not a cosmic accident.

I mean, you gave us Mozart.

Van Gogh.

Confucius.

Dr. Martin Luther King.

And Larry Byrd.

[ENGLISH SDH]

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