Original subtitles

MAN [ON RADIO]: Though U.S. Weather Bureau officials advise...

...that the hurricane's course could change...

...they have revised their estimates down to a 30-percent chance...

...of the storm encountering landfall anywhere in the New York area.

To repeat, authorities now believe that New York City...

...will be spared of full force and effect of Hurricane Mel.

Ah. the truth. Your Honor. You rooting for humanity or the storm?

Come on. Flo. get serious.

That's a devastating hurricane out there. It's got 150-mile-an-hour winds.

Bet your Manilow never even had a stiff gust named after him.

All right.

That's enough.

I have had enough of you trashing Barry Manilow!

I beg your pardon. Miss Sullivan?

I said. get off Barry's case.

In my opinion. he happens to be one of the finest musicians...

...of the past few decades.

ISIGHSI

Mac. you better call a doctor. This girl is burning up with fever.

I feel perfectly fine.

The man is a great songwriter. a talented singer and a fine performer.

-Is that so? -That's so.

-Says who? -Says me.

Aha! Well. it may very well be. but you can't deny that he is....

He's what?

He's...

...modern.

Oh. God. let's shoot the poor sot.

Well. Mel Tormé must not have thought he was too bad...

...if he cut an album with him.

That is a desperately sick lie.

That is the truth.

-Mac. say it ain't so. -It's so.

HARRY IWHIMPERSI: Oh. no. -There. there. sir.

What happened?

Oh. Harry's crushed that Manilow and Tormé did an album together.

I felt the same way when Alvin and the Chipmunks broke up.

Why don't you just let that thing go condo and get it over with?

Hi. everybody.

-Hey. Art. MAC: Hey. Art.

HARRY: No.

There's nothing to be ashamed of. son.

Sometimes thunder still frightens me a little bit too.

-Art. go play with your blowtorch. -Yeah. I plan to. sir.

I gotta secure the signal tower up on the roof.

We got some wind gusts up around 80 miles an hour now.

Eighty miles an hour?

DAN: Yeah. I'd say that's about right.

Twenty bucks a pair.

Guaranteed not to ride up.

All rise.

Criminal court part two is now in session. the Honorable Harold T. Stone presiding.

You may be seated. women and children first.

I found those lifejackets down in the basement.

I figured they might come in handy just in case it starts to flood.

Art. we're on the 18th floor.

And?

You preventative nut. you.

Get out of here. Go see if you can find a life raft.

Yes. sir.

And you wonder why animals eat their young.

Yeah. ha. ha.

[THUNDER BOOMINGI

Uh. sir. I wonder if canceling the session might be something to consider.

I heard they just. uh. canceled all the flights out of Kennedy.

Mel shut down the airport?

Guess they have to wait until the velvet fog lifts. eh. sir?

-The velvet fog. MAC: Ha. ha.

That's very funny. Mac. That is very funny.

Just a little suck-up humor. sir.

[THUNDER BOOMINGI

You know. my mother used to tell me...

...that thunder was just the sound God makes when he gets a strike in bowling.

That's cute.

What happened when you found out?

When I found out what?

[THUNDER BOOMINGI

Gosh. he's good.

He's got his own ball.

What's first. Mac?

A return visit from some old friends. sir.

-Oh. yeah? MAC: Mm-hm.

Hello. it's us.

Bob and June Wheeler. as I live and breathe. how the heck are you?

Couldn't be better. sir.

It's always a pleasure to be hauled up before you.

And as usual. the accommodations were lovely.

And why you don't charge for that strip search I'll never know.

Hello. Mr. Fielding.

What a beautiful suit.

The secret is not sleeping in it.

Dan.

Good to see you again. Miss Sullivan.

You're looking as beautiful as ever.

Oh. why. thank you. Mrs. Wheeler.

If it weren't for all the nursing. I'd have breasts like that too.

Well. now that we've gotten all the pleasantries out of the way...

...what are you folks doing here? I thought you went home to West Virginia.

Sir. we're not from West Virginia.

-You're not? -No. sir.

We perjured ourselves.

And we lied too.

Why did you pick West Virginia?

I don't know.

It was just the first exotic place that popped into my head.

Well. then. where are you from?

Isn't the accent obvious?

You mean you're from...?

Yugoslavia.

Hey. this is a fascinating story. really. and I mean that...

...but in the interest of time. what the hell is the case?

Your Honor. the Wheelers were arrested for selling food without a license.

We had no idea you needed a license to sell food. Your Honor.

It's not that way in Sarajevo.

No. I'll bet it's not.

We sold all our earthly possessions just to start this business. Your Honor.

The pickup truck. all the livestock.

Granny even wanted us to sell her wheelchair...

...but Bob wouldn't hear of it.

Well. it isn't really a wheelchair.

-It isn't? -No. sir.

We strapped her Barcalounger to a furniture dolly.

Stop the world. I wanna get off.

Okay. let me get this straight.

You sold everything that you own in the world. except the Barcalounger...

...and you went and bought a restaurant.

No. sir. A hot-dog cart.

You sold everything you own for a hot-dog cart?

Yes.

It was a dream come true.

However. our good fortune soon took a turn for the worse.

Here it comes.

As the officer was arresting us. the storm hit--

And a really large wind came. you had that big umbrella up and it--

Scooped up our weenie wagon. yes. sir.

UP. up. up it went.

Until it was nothing more than a teeny-weeny. tiny. little dot in the sky.

And then it was gone.

Well. thank God no one was hurt.

Yeah.

Everything turned out fine with Granny too.

-Oh. the one in the wheelchair? BOB: Mm.

What was she doing?

Oh. about 80. 85.

[CHRISTINE SIGHSI

Oh....

Your Honor. due to the pathetic circumstances...

...I, uh. ask that this case be dropped due to lack of evidence.

Prosecution?

Let's just hang them. put them out of their misery. sir.

Okay then. case dismissed.

HARRY: Art.

Art. Art. Art.

You talking to me?

Art. what is that thing?

I had to get some lumber to board up these windows...

...so I took down the basketball net from the maintenance garage.

Art. we are in the middle of a session here.

Well. hey. I'm sorry. It was an emergency.

Jeez. you guys act like I committed a sin.

What emergency?

The hurricane changed direction again. It's coming straight through Manhattan.

[ALL CHATTERINGI

Mel is coming?

He is on his way.

Subways have been knocked out.

We're one of the few buildings that still has full power.

And the Civil Defense authorities want everyone to stay where they are.

DAN: You mean we're trapped here? -Yeah.

I have to spend the night with Art of Nazareth?

And those amazing Dobermans?

Don't worry. Mr. Fielding.

Like my Uncle Tito used to say:

''It's always darkest just before the dawn."

Burned out his retinas staring into an eclipse.

[THUNDER BOOMINGI

[ALL CHATTERINGI

Hey. hey. hold it down!

Now. I have been assured by the authorities that extra food is on the way.

Now. we will get through this. people. if we just cooperate with each other...

...and show a little kindness for our fellow human beings. all right?

Now. what was my last bid for the gummi bears?

[CHATTERINGI

Look. Ouon Le. look. don't worry about the restaurant.

You just take care of yourself.

The stove went where?

Mac. what's wrong?

My appliances are leaving.

-Trouble at your restaurant? -Place is flooded.

Tables and chairs were washed out the front door.

My brand-new grill is floating up...

-...Broadway somewhere. -Hmm.

Hey, cheer up. big guy.

Things could be worse.

I know.

I need help.

Uh. mind if I stick this under your table?

A box of rats?

Yeah. I found them floating in a hubcap on the roof.

I named the big one Dan.

[LAUGHING]

Bull. we all know how you feel about animals. but rats?

-They're cute. -Ugh.

Cute?

They're the most repulsive. disease-ridden vermin...

...on the face of the planet.

In the 14th century. they were responsible for the Black Plague.

They killed two-thirds of the population of Western Europe.

Twenty-five million people burning up with fever...

...and finally perishing in horrible agony.

Hello.

Please. Please. I beg you.

This is the only memento we have left of our business.

I'm warning you. keep your hands off my husband's wiener.

All right. let's settle down. people!

Let's settle down!

.Art? .y0!

Could we stop the persecution for a second?

Hey. sure thing.

We all know that we're in a middle of a difficult situation...

...but there is really no point in letting it get the better of us.

The information that I've received tells me that we're here for a couple of hours.

So rather than squandering that time and allowing the anxiety to build...

...I've decided we're just gonna go ahead with the normal proceedings of this court.

Are there any questions?

You. sir.

What weighs more...

...the Chrysler Building or the ancient pyramid of Cheops?

The Chrysler Building.

Any others?

-All right. Mac. call the first case. -Yes. sir.

Uh. people v. all occupants of 692 West 23rd Street.

This does not scare me.

Uh. they're charged with a Section 17 violation.

That's pornography. I caught them in the act.

Of what?

Well...

...pornicating.

Hey. watch your language in front of my wife. you mealy little wimp.

Stanley. don't.

Yeah. Stanley. don't.

He was just kidding. Your Honor. It's his dry sense of humor he's got.

He's lucky I didn't tear his heart out.

see?

[SOUEAKS]

Noel Coward is back and we've got him.

Your Honor. according to this report. Officer Timmy--

-Tommy. -Tommy.

--was passing by the residence in question...

...when some moaning and groaning from an open window caught his attention.

He entered the apartment...

...whereupon he found the defendants writhing on the floor...

...and watching a pornographic film.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

Um. excuse me. excuse me. Your Honor. I think I can straighten this all out.

I'm Chad Ulin of the Rhode Island Ulins.

Oh. yeah. love your state.

Yes. and this is my significant other. Babs Townsend.

Uh. just so you know...

...Chad and I feel that motherhood will in no way interfere with my career...

...and that having a child will only enhance our experience...

...as live-in lovers and friends.

You both drive Volvos. don't you?

Anyway. Your Honor. the film that Officer Connors saw...

...was the last in a series of visual aids on the Lamaze method of natural childbirth.

We were watching the final stages of rhythmic labor.

Oh. I haven't felt that deeply moved since I saw the lobster scene in Annie Hall.

Mm.

Babs and. uh. Chad. if those are indeed your real names...

...what you're telling me. then. is this is all part of a childbirth class.

But I saw it right there on the screen. It was bigger than life.

What was it you saw?

I'm telling your mother.

BENET: This is asinine.

-And you are? -Benet Collins.

And before you ask. no. I don't have a husband.

And I'm quite capable of raising a child on my own. thank you.

And I don't need a man to feed me. and I don't need a man to clothe me.

And the part that I did need a man for was unsatisfying...

...and over and done with nine months ago.

-Yeah. -Great.

Let's settle down. people! Settle down.

If we--

-Chad? -Oh. don't mind me. Your Honor.

I've keeping a visual record of the entire prenatal experience.

You ready? Action.

You ever take a shower in prison. Chad?

And that's a wrap.

I told you all this natural childbirth stuff was weird.

Oh. Stanley. it isn't weird.

If being drugged unconscious was good enough for my mother...

...it would have been good enough for you.

-Stanley. -I'm gonna have a boy.

-Is that a fact? -Yeah. the doctor already told us.

Look. see. the doctor took one of those ultrasound pictures...

...right through her gut.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh. look at that.

Yeah. some protoplasm and a spleen.

See. you can make out his head and his feet.

-And right there's his little-- -Stanley.

Sorry. sweetie.

Not too shabby. huh?

[CHUCKLES]

Well. I think I understand all this.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

I didn't mean that literally.

Your Honor. uh. in view of the testimony--

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

[SHOUTING] In view of the testimony...

[IN NORMAL VOICE] ...the state recommends we drop all charges.

-And the defense accepts. Your Honor. -Motion granted.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

You're free. Mister....

-Senior.... -Uh. Chacone.

Senior Chacone. you are free like the bird.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

Does anybody here speak Spanish?

Mr. and Mrs. Wheeler.

I'm Guatemalan on my mother's side.

Bob here just picked it up on his sabbatical in Madrid.

Miss Sullivan. would you mind taking the Chacones over to--?

Ma and Pa Berlitz? Yes. sir.

What's with the maternity mob?

Where you been. anyway?

Down in the basement looking for food.

-Did you find any? -No.

But I think I solved the Jimmy Hoffa case.

Your Honor. I'm sorry about the foul up. I haven't been on the force very long.

-No. -Yeah. it's true.

In fact. a week from today. it'll be a week.

If there's any way that this won't be mentioned to my superiors--

I'll tell you what. officer. We'll make it our little secret. huh?

And Mom?

Well. of course Mom.

What's next. Mac?

[THUNDER BOOMING]

MAC: Oh. I believe a little panic and mayhem.

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

[ALL CHATTERING]

MAC: Told you.

DAN: Why don't you. uh. use my chair? You might be more comfortable.

BENET: I'm perfectly fine. so you can kill the chivalry routine.

My. aren't we a witsy-bitsy bitchy this evening.

Leave me alone.

I was merely trying to help.

I don't need any help and I don't need any pity.

And I certainly don't need you.

I'll just be here in the corner...

...beating myself to death with the Boy Scout manual.

Oh. let me know if you need any help.

Yeah. well. I hope it's a boy and he grows up to be just like me.

HARRY: Mac. I'm gonna check my office for supplies.

I think there's some candles under the bench near the rubber vomit.

MAC: I'll find them.

It's not what you think.

Bull. you cannot turn this building into an animal refuge.

It's what you think.

[THUNDER BOOMING]

[WOMAN SCREAMING]

Oh. what the hell was that?

Labor pains.

I knew it. I knew it. I knew it.

We got the tension and anxiety of the court. the trauma of the storm.

-Which woman is it? -All of them.

All of them?

Uh-huh. Mrs. Chacone started with her contractions...

...and the other three went like dominoes.

I think you'd better get in there. sir.

I don't know nothing about birthing no babies.

Well, frankly, sir. I don't give a damn.

-My problem? -Uh-huh.

It's not what you think.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Dear Lord. I hope not.

[ALL MURMURING]

[WOMEN GROANING AND PANTING]

Chad.

Help me!

I'm trying. sweetheart. The autofocus is stuck.

Oh. no.

Somebody call a doctor!

No can do. sir. The telephone poles took off for Jersey.

We really gotta deliver these babies ourselves?

[THUNDER BOOMING]

Just asking.

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

[ALL CHATTERING]

[ENGLISH SDH]

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