Original subtitles

Hi. Mario. It's Judge Stone.

Yeah. I'd like to place an order. Mm-hm.

I'm gonna need a dozen slimy tongues--

Hi. Mac.

I'll need a couple of severed limbs. some bloodshot eyes...

...and the hairy rodent variety pack.

Uh-huh. Thank you. Great. bye.

Court dockets for you to sign. sir.

You wanna know what I was talking about?

What I don't know they can't make me testify about.

Mac. it's only four days till my Halloween party.

Oh. yeah. and the place is abuzz.

Is it really? Huh? Are they all as excited as I am?

No. he can't make me go. I don't care what he does.

He can't make me do it.

Oh. definitely. sir.

-Just talking about the big bash. Heh. -So I gather.

I was just about to explain the games to them.

-The games? -Oh. yes.

We have Pin the Tail on Barry Manilow.

Supreme Court-Opinion Charades.

And my personal favorite. bobbing for anchovies.

I made them up myself.

Sir. I finished my pumpkin.

Bull. it looks like you just punched it with your fist.

ldid.

Why didn't you use a knife. Bull?

Hey. what a great idea.

Sir. you wanted to see us.

Uh. yeah. I did. It's about the costume competition.

Now. as we all know...

...last year one of us chose to come as a member of the moral majority.

This will not happen again.

Especially if we all wanna keep our parking spaces.

Class dismissed.

[DAN SIGHSI

Well. you ready to start?

Couple of minutes. Mac. I gotta sort my snakes.

-Snakes? -Yeah. here look.

ISCREAMSI

It's rubber.

You lucky he hasn't unpacked the live ones yet.

Lethal. non-lethal. Lethal. non-lethal.

Lethal. non-lethal. Lethal. non-lethal.

-Are they breeding? -Uh. no. I'm just sorting--

Hello.

Who are you?

Kimberley. Kimberley Daniels.

My friends call me Kim.

Harry. Harry Stone.

My friends call me Shecky. I gotta get new friends.

[BOTH LAUGH]

-Uh. |isten-- -Let's cut out the formality. Huh?

What can I do to make you fall hopelessly in love with me?

Direct me to traffic court.

Ah.

That would be down the hall. take the stairs. three flights down.

Or you could take the less-traveled more scenic route by way of Tahiti.

Be glad to show you that one myself.

If we hurry. we could make it in time for the fertility festival.

Come on. I'll spring for the passport photos.

This could be the start of a beautiful friendship.

[KIM CHUCKLESI

Oh. one-- One second. excuse me.

All set.

Tonight's docket. in case he shows up.

They've only known each other four days. Don't they ever separate?

Are you kidding? They've done everything except sew their bodies together.

[BOTH YELLINGI

I was wrong. They've sewn their bodies together.

-Oh. Harry. That was unbelievable. -I told you you're a fast learner.

-You took those stairs like a pro. -Yeah.

Good evening. Your Honor. Miss Daniels.

I swear. I just had one of the most incredible experiences of my life!

Little nooner at the Hung Jury motel.

Oh. Dan.

I believe the lady was referring to our buggy ride in Central Park.

Some people have class.

It was a baby buggy.

We both squeezed in.

Harry brought the champagne and then:

[IN UNISON] Koochie-koochie-koo!

Everybody's kinky...

...except you.

Uh. mm.

[SIGHSI

Ouick impression: Robinson Crusoe seeing you after 20 years alone.

IGROWLSI

[KIM CHUCKLESI

Oh. Harry. about your party tomorrow.

-I may be a little late. -Oh. that's okay.

Anticipation makes me wild.

Wonderful. heh.

Bleghg

IGASPSI

Excuse me.

-Hey. happy Halloween. Christine. -Hey. Bull. Happy Halloween.

Would you help me finish this. Christine?

Sure. Bull. Come on.

I wonder what color we should dye it.

Bull. you dye Easter eggs.

Exclusively?

I've been hiding them too.

Now. let me get this straight again.

Every year. parents dress up their children like monsters...

...and send them into the streets begging for candy.

Right. Right.

And if they don't get what they want...

...they can do something really horrible to you.

Right.

Hi. Mac. Hi. Ouon Le.

Happy Halloween.

Give me some candy or you'll never see your family alive again.

Heh. Uh. we're having a little trouble with the concept.

Hey. I'm a reporter.

I could tell by the tie.

Yeah. A man once hung himself with it.

I don't blame him.

Hank Mire. The Globe.

Dan Fielding. Same address.

"Same address." I like that.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Listen. I used to go over the People section of the paper. all right?

Now. you happen to run across any tower killers...

...or any really colorful psychopaths. I'd appreciate you giving me a call.

Number's on the card.

"1-800-CADAVER"?

Operators are standing by.

All rise.

Criminal Court. Part Two is now in session.

The Honorable Harold T. Stone presiding.

lYELLS]

[LAUGHS]

Come on. gang. Pull up a bench.

So you all set for the big hoedown. huh?

-All set. sir. -I love it.

Suck up.

MAC: First case. sir.

Disturbing the peace and destroying public property.

What. some little. uh. Halloween prank go awry?

No. sir. the charge is building a bonfire in public property...

...while dancing robustly through Central Park.

-Sounds kinky. KIM: It's not.

Kim?

You with her?

Well. this is crazy.

There's gotta be some simple explanation.

There is.

I'm a witch.

Um--

Are you a good witch or a bad witch?

Harry. I'm sorry you had to find out like this.

Am I on Bloopers?

Your Honor.

Ed? Dick?

-Where are you crazy nuts? -Harry.

It's no joke.

Come on. you're a witch?

What was it really? What? So a family barbecue?

Family barbecue?

What do we look like. the Lennon sisters?

And this is...?

Uh. Edna Sneer. Your Honor.

Uh. Miss Sneer also has an additional charge of indecent exposure.

Hey. you dance around a bonfire. you work up a sweat.

You were dancing naked?

Interested?

Over my dead body.

Shall we say. eightish?

Kim. tell me it's a joke.

I'm sorry. Harry.

Hold this over for the next court.

We'll take a five.

IKNOCKING ON DOOR]

Sir?

Sir. are you all right?

You bowl 12 straight games with someone you think you know them.

I'm sorry. sir.

It came as a shock to all of us. She seemed so human.

I mean. she didn't say she was Godzilla.

She just said she's a....

A witch.

Well. are you sure she isn't?

Did anybody dump a bucket of water on her. see if she'd melt?

You're missing the point. Just her saying so is big trouble.

Do you realize the implications of a self-proclaimed witch...

...going out with a municipal court judge?

If anyone were to find out. you'd be removed from the bench.

-Well. no one has to find out. -Sir.

No. we could-- We could meet in cabins in the woods.

Stone. I am your friend and I'm here to help you. so listen.

You have to make a choice between someone you've known a few days...

...and your entire career.

Your very life depends on it.

Thank you. Mary Lou Retton.

In your heart. you know I'm right.

[DOOR CLOSESI

[SIGHSI

IKNOCKING ON DOOR]

Yeah.

-Judge Stone? -Mm-hm.

Mario Eisenhower. Ike's Novelty Company.

I got your comedy body parts here.

Oh. yeah. Put them down anywhere.

Right. Okay.

Now. let me see.

We got your legs. we got your arms. we got your assorted internal organs here.

Oh. no.

Look at this. will you?

Your heart is broken.

You can kiss the tip goodbye. Mario.

No. no. I need the costume tonight.

Yes. yes. something tasteful. conservative.

Say. the Roman Emperor Caligula.

Two hundred dollars? For some sandals and a sheet?

All right. let's lay the cards on the table. What can I get for $19.95?

What's a Smurf?

Imagine your cat threw up a fur ball that talked.

I think not.

Trick or treat. Your Honor.

Hi.

Hi.

So you cast any good spells lately?

EDNA: Sure. all the time.

You got somebody you want turned into a toadstool?

Edna.

Did you see what I did to Pia Zadora?

[LAUGHS]

Edna. would you please shut up?

Don't listen to her. Harry.

It's not like it was in the old days.

There aren't any bubbling caldrons and broomsticks.

Kim. listen to me. We've got to talk.

-I don't care.... -Sir.

IPANTINGI

There's a sleazy reporter on his way here.

-How sleazy? -He drives a convertible hearse.

-Got it. Guard. let her out. KIM: Where are we going?

We'll go to my office. Come on.

Sir. he's coming in.

May I?

-Your Honor. Ha-ha-ha. -Hi.

Uh-- Uh. bag lady.

Yes. yes. yes. I know it's Halloween night.

I have tried every store in town. You must have something left.

-Dan? -Those damn Smurfs again.

Hey. Dan. I just. uh....

No need to explain. Harry. I've had to do it a few times myself.

-I'll keep an eye out for Mire. sir. -Thank you. Bull.

[SIGHSI

Are you really a witch?

OkaY-

Not bad. What was that?

A flash paper thing from the magic store. huh?

It wasn't a trick. Harry.

Okay. it wasn't a trick.

So do you want a eye-of-newt. toe-of-frog sandwich. huh?

-Harry. -Some folks louse it up with mayonnaise.

[BOTH YELLI

That's funny. I thought I left my mystic sports coat at the cleaners.

Harry. would you please pay attention for a minute?

You really believe you're a witch. right?

It's not what I believe...

...it's what I am.

What I've always been.

Well. you wanna know what I believe?

I believe that you are the best thing that has happened to me in a long time.

And I'm gonna fight like hell before I even think about giving you up.

Oh. Harry.

-Hello. hello. hello. -Aah. aah!

Cough. cough. Harder. harder.

[KIM COUGHSI

I think she's gonna be okay.

A little kaiser roll in the windpipe.

Had to do the Heimlich maneuver.

I thought the Heimlich maneuver was applied from the other side?

Uh. well. it was a-- A crisis. I panicked.

Your Honor. that reporter is standing right there.

Thank you for that update. Miss Sullivan.

What's going on in here?

Yeah. I was just wondering the same thing.

Heh. a judge. a witch and this mysterious kaiser roll.

Kaiser roll?

It's a long story. It involves phlegm. You wouldn't wanna hear it.

-I would. -Hit the street. Mire.

Well. I'd hate to leave without getting all the facts.

I mean. a judge and a witch in a compromising position.

I'd hate to speculate.

-Listen. you-- -Let's tell him everything. Harry.

Come on. spill it. I can take shorthand.

You want the dirt. right?

[LAUGHS]

I love that word.

Will sand do?

That's where Harry and I first met. In a sandbox.

I love it already.

His sister was in my second grade class.

Second grade class.

[LAUGHS]

Second grade class?

You said you wanted the truth. didn't you?

Yeah. well. not if it's boring.

And one day Harry forgot his lunch money. so I loaned him some.

Now he's just returning the favor.

Giving me a little free legal advice.

Just friends helping friends.

Friends helping friends?

This is depressing.

Yeah. it is depressing.

Because I enjoyed our visit.

And who knows when we'll ever see each other again? Heh.

Look. I got a deadline in a couple of hours.

Can't you slap him with a paternity suit or something? Huh?

-Come on. Mire. -Huh?

I'll take you to men's detention.

There's a guy who thinks he's Joan Crawford.

No kidding.

Don't mention the book.

He's still bitter.

Uh. do you want me to take her back down to Holding?

Give us a couple of minutes. huh. Flo?

Fine.

I'll be here in the hall waxing my legs.

That was close.

Don't suppose I could ask you to give up witchcraft?

Harry. it's not my hobby.

It's my life.

I could never ask you to give up your life.

And I could never ask you to give up yours.

I lied. Give up your life.

|can't.

-Happy Halloween? -Right.

-Bye. Harry. -Bye. Kim.

Suppose--

Suppose you walk out one night...

...and there was this message blazing across the sky...

...or there's a burning bush and it's got my name on it.

You'd be the first one I'd call.

Fine.

Just as long as we're clear on that.

[SO BS]

[SIGHSI

So. what do you think?

l"JEEPERS CREEPERS" PLAYING ON RADIO]

Hey. Bull. do you hear that music?

It sounds just like....

BULL: The Velvet Fog.

[MUSIC STOPS]

Not the real thing but an incredible simulation.

You better be smiling under that.

lam.

Liar.

Sir. I don't wanna be nosy.

You were saying?

Sir. you've got to forget her.

I know how much she meant. but you've got to put her out of your mind.

You're right. Miss Sullivan.

And that costume really helps a lot.

[TIRES SCREECHINGI

Cou|d-- Could we make this fast?

I gotta go home and change for a costume party after this.

BULL: Excuse me.

[BULL CLEARS THROAT]

Uh. anybody want punch?

Yeah. Bull. I'll have some.

BULL: How did he know it was me?

You played hockey before the mandatory helmet rule. didn't you?

Happy?

Well. I guess he isn't such a bad egg after all.

ls everybody hungry for pumpkin pizza?

Great costume. Ouon Le. Why a spider?

Wasn't there one in that nursery rhyme?

"Along came a spider and sat down beside her...

...and frightened Miss Muffett away."

The first person to touch my tuffet dies.

[ENGLISH SDHI

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