Original subtitles

When I first came to Los Angeles, it looked like just this mass of dots...

all jumbled and disconnected.

It was pretty disorienting.

What the fuck are you doing? I'm straight.

- That is so hot when guys say that! - No, I'm serious, dude.

Oh really? It's too bad. 'Cos I'm amazing.

I don't like to brag, but I can suck the engine block to the tail pipe of the '58 Chevy.

- Really? - Yeah, talking 'bout the big ones with the 380s.

- Oh. So you know cars, yeah? - And beer.

See, unlike with women, if you can crack one open right after... Hell! You can have one during.

It'll just be a little fun between buddies, you know. And you'll never have to call me.

Till you're up for another round, that is.

- You're not worried about Elizabeth coming in? - Elizabeth? My roommate is Julie.

- I'm here for a date with Elizabeth. - Elizabeth is 243D, as in 'down the walk'.

This is 243B. As in 'Blowjob'. You're not StraightCurious from AOL?

- No. - Not again.

- Oh, shut up! You're so lying to me. - Ah-ah! Check the journal! Look.

- September 20th. Oh my God! That is so funny! - So maybe you should write a song about that.

I can't believe you're almost done with your demo and you haven't written a song about your best friend.

Yeah, I can't believe that the tree falls in the forest that wouldn't have something to do with you.

- Hey J., Martinis, vodka or gin? - Gin, and you, you can tell that friend of yours to go fuck himself.

You know, I only have one friend who can actually do that, and I doubt you've met.

I mean the bass player. We were just supposed to lay down some tracks...

by the second song it was like my bra had grown hands.

Excuse me, wannabees, order up.

- One callback, she's Margo Channing. - Second callback, thank you. Second lead in the feature.

I'm so getting this. Soon, I can kiss you losers goodbye and finally justify moving to this miserable fucking town.

- You ever read for Barry Wolf? - Hey, why are we skipping on the fries? Come on, load me up.

Barry Wolf read me once for this commercial, he was licking me with his eye the whole time.

They don't call him the 'Wolf who cried Boy' for nothing. You know, he wouldn't even see me for that...

crappy TV 'Wacky Gay Neighbour' thing? - What's that about? - I'm gay, I'm wacky.

- Maybe you're not neighbourly. - Fuck you. I'm Donna Reed on a stick!

Excuse me, darlings. I hate to interrupt this important discussion between all you big stars...

- I'll settle for medium star. - Point well taken.

In the meantime, I hear that Disney's opening a Fantasia restaurant where the plates fly themselves to the tables.

- Until then, what to do? - Hot stuff, coming through. - Yes!

Hi guys.

- You take one of my tracks and give the karaoke at Funny Boys. - Julie!

- Also two-for-one margaritas? - I'll be there.

Enjoy your meal.

Quit gawking, we don't have all day.

- Ow, fuck. - Yeah, fuck you too. - Mum? - Julie. Where the hell are you?

I'm here. Isn't this where you called me, where did we end up last night?

I don't know, but I woke up without my bra. That's never a good sign.

I wouldn't worry about it.

So, why are you calling me and not just tip-toeing across the hall with sympathy and Excedrin?

- I tried that, I thought you'd gone. Spin class is starting. - Oh fuck!

Hey, hold up a minute.

- We've met. - Um, no, I'm brand new here.

- Hey, Green, let's get a move on, huh? - Gotta go.

- All unpacked! - Final bell, Harmon is down.

Hey Gilford, why don't you come over here and give me a back rub?

Wrong tree, barking, if you think I'm rubbing your pimply back, you homo.

- David? Come on, Green, help a guy out, right? - Got stuff to put away.

Come on, Gil, just like ten minutes. You know I'd give you one.

- You're on. - Nerl, I asked you first. - Nope.

That hurts! Prepare to die, dude.

- Hey. - Hi!

- You remember me, from across the way? - Yeah. Harmon!

I brought you guys a 'Welcome to the complex' sixer.

Uh, thanks, but we don't drink.

What kind of frat boys are you?

Who called up Deliver-A-Fag?

- Geez, Ryder a little louder and he'll probably hear you. - I don't care.

You see those flippin' shorts he was wearing?

- Just check that. - OK, three of these.

There was the most adorable man, Daniel, here this evening.

- I thought I might introduce you. - Really?

- Blue shirt, end of the bar? - Actually yes. - Daniel. We've met.

August, 3rd... yup. Oh, not so good, not so good.

- Andrew, can I have a glass of that Merlot there? - Sure thing. And Ben called for you, Miss M.

- Well, I suppose if he calls this late in the week, I can call him this late in the evening, right? - Absolutely. - Cheers.

Oh oh, you guys wanna hear something freaky? Your remember those four people

that moved into Elizabeth's old apartment? Guess what they do.

- Quadruplet porn stars. - This town? Hardly freaky. - They're rodeo clowns.

No no no, listen, it's even weirder than that. They are Mormon missionaries, swear to God.

- Oh. - Although rodeo clowns would've been kinda cool.

They must've loved your aberrant lifestyle. I dated a Mormon guy once.

His family put him through shock therapy. When you'd have sex, he was a wild man.

Then he'd wanna throw himself out the window.

- So, you live on the first floor. - Yes, but it's hell on my azaleas.

Now, wouldn't it be funny if you converted them instead of them converting you?

- Could you imagine? - No, I've seen these boys, they're wound way too tight for that.

I bet he can't do it.

- Oh, wait. Are we betting here? - Same as always, five and a sixer?

Oh no, this is big. Twenty bucks says he can't.

We're going high stakes? Fifty says he can't.

I've seen the guys on the bikes. I'm thinking, this time you have met your match.

- Really? - Bullshit. Fifty says he can. And I bust tables for a week.

- Fifty, two weeks, can't. - OK, I'm in with Andrew, no way.

- Oh, cool. We on? - Alright, so what are we talking about here? I get him to what?

- Do anything? Blowjob or...? - We need proof. - OK, underwear.

I knew this other Mormon guy in the army. They got these sacred boxers, they shimmer.

- Get one of those. - Sacred undies? Get out of here! I gotta see this. Alright, I'm in.

- I'll get one of those boys out of their underwear - Seal the deal.

Alright, we're going out tonight?

- Oh please, not another episode of 'Christian hooks up'. - Hey, gotta keep my skills honed. - To skills.

- Hey, leaving? - Yeah, yoga. You? - Mmm, arm day...

- Hey, I don't think we've met. I'm Julie Taylor. - Hi. I'm Elder Davis. - What you reading there?

I'm just studying. You know, I thought I'd come outside. 'Cos, I'm from Idaho, it gets cold in October.

- Oh, wow, bummer. It's pretty much like this all the time here. Isn't it, Chris? - Yeah.

- So, what is it that you guys do? - We talk to people about our church.

Oh really? Chris likes to talk to people.

- Sometimes it helps people to find meaning in their lives. - Julie was complaining her life is void of meaning.

- Void? I said 'void'? - Well, maybe we can come talk to you. - You know, we would like that. - Sure. OK.

Bye.

- Subtle... - Yeah, I got 50 ridin' on you. See you at work.

- Thank God she's leaving. - Can you believe 'Entertainment Weekly' called her

the new sweetheart of American cinema?

That cunt? She made Julie take my table, because she thought

I hadn't bathed recently. Like she should talk. Did you see her eat?

Yeah, did you check out her legs? Now I know why they call them calves.

I bet after sex, she smokes a ham!

Darling, give me a glass of Cuvet.

I do hope we're not speaking disparagingly about our clientele.

Gossip is so ignoble.

- Especially regarding those less fortunate. - Less fortunate? That bitch?!

You know something... tell.

No, I would never tell tales, such as

with the frequency she does it,

the poor child must think that binging and purging are aerobic excercise.

- She hardly looks bulimic. - Yes, if I were a different sort, I'd suggest

a little more of the purging, a little less of the binging.

But I would never say such things. For gossip is the lowest form of discourse.

You should avoid it if at all possible.

Hear, hear. I shall be in the office, cooking the books, if anybody needs me.

Oh, and Ben called. He seemed kind of insistent.

Do you suppose Lila is hiding a boyfriend from us?

- Fucking skank... that's not a tip, that's an indictment. - Take it sound, J.! Christ, who pissed in your Cheerios?

Some A and R guy. She has drinks with this guy so he'll listen to her demo,

and now she fears for her virtue. - Hey!

- He's totally cute. - I bust my ass making a great demo, I can't get anyone to listen to it till this guy,

who so obviously just wanted to fuck me. - Poor baby. I thought he was cute.

- What, you would have sex to help your career? Honey, I've blown a guy just to get him out of my apartment!

Sex for my career would be noble.

Ben, I'm not ready to make that kind of decision yet. I have to go. OK, I'll call.

Here's Andrew's wine order. Thank you.

- Is there something else? - Everyone thinks Ben is your boyfriend, but he's not, he's a doctor, isn't he?

- Is everything OK? - Young man, I will not be the subject of gossip in my own establishment.

Sorry.

And that's how, through Joseph Smith, God restored the true church of Jesus Christ to the earth.

Got any questions?

How come if God talks to Joseph Smith, he's a prophet.

But if God talks to me, I'm schizophrenic? - Ah, well, he was sort of special.

- What's the Mormon church's stand on black people? - That's a good question. African American members

have been allowed to hold the priesthood since 1978. - Since disco. And women?

Women don't get to hold the priesthood, what they get is to be wives and to be mothers and share in its blessings.

- Oh, sharing. See, sharing is good. - Christian here was wondering what is your church's stand on gay rights.

- Um well... - There's no such thing. 'Gay' and 'right' don't belong in the same sentence.

- Oh, but 'right' and 'right-wing' go hand-in-hand? - Yeah, God hates homos.

You're gonna come into my house and tell me God hates homosexuals?

And the French!

- God hates the French? - Everybody hates the French.

- Just push the orange button. Oh, you are such a sweetheart for doing that, thank you. - You're welcome.

- Ma, you're flashing the whole terminal. I can't help it. If I don't they are gonna end up around my knees.

Oh, I'm losing the only other sane one around here.

- I think this belong to you now, son. Do us proud. - Yes sir, I will.

You know, you have yourself a real safe trip, OK? Oh, for crying out loud, I wasn't gonna do this.

- Ma, you promised. If you start, I will. - I know, but I can't help it, because you're my baby, you know.

And you always will be.

- You okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.

- Look, if there's a problem, I could come back. - Look, maybe I'm just homesick.

- Homesick? For Idaho? - Okay, fine... - I'm sorry. That came out wrong.

It's just... When I left home... I zoomed like a rocket here. But if you've never been away from home before... Have you?

- What? I've been away from home. Just, not for two whole years. - Could be worse, could be raining.

- That's 'Young Frankenstein'. - Yeah. So two years, huh? - Yeah.

We're not allowed to call or go home in the holidays, and they're not allowed to visit.

- Wow, where do I sign up? - Hey, I happen to like my family.

After all, a boy's best friend is his mother.

'Psycho'! That's 'Psycho', right?

She goes a bit mad sometimes... We all go a bit mad sometimes.

At least you got your friends here, right?

What, Ryder? No, we just got assigned to each other a few weeks ago.

Oh. Well, better you than me.

- Kind of a funny coincidence, all you guys being named Elmer, huh? -Elmer?!

- You think I'm an Elmer? - Well, you're not? No, doofus! It's Elder. It's a title. Elder...

Oh, that's a good thing. Somebody naming you Elmer, it's just mean. What's your first name, then?

- We're not allowed to use them. - What? Why not? - We're not allowed to do a lot of things.

- It's Aaron. Aaron. - Aaron. I like that.

- You're gonna sort through those, right? Colours and whites don't mix, Aaron. - OK, thanks.

- Oh wait, you've never done your laundry before either, have you? - Well, maybe I've just never done everybody's.

That's what I have to do, 'cos I'm a greeny. The new guy, you know.

So I have to do everyone's laundry, in accordance with prophecy.

- Really? Psyche'! - Dude, you're way too easy. - That's what I've heard.

Well, thanks for the laundry tips.

- Geez, Elder. - About a thousand miles away over here.

- How you doing, Green? - Good. - Yeah, you sure? - Yeah.

You know, when I was a Green, it was really tough. I used to pray that I would die during the night

so I wouldn't have to wake up to another day of this. - You're joking me, right?

I couldn't take going back to the family, you know, Salt Lake and all. I had two of the general authorities

at my missionary farewell. You know what's that like, your dad is a state president, right?

They set this thing up to be difficult, OK? We can't listen to music, we can't watch movies,

we're never supposed to be alone.

I mean, what, we're 19, 20 years old,

and we're not even allowed to beat off.

Some nights I wake up and I find teeth marks on my head board.

Look, I put my time in here so that I can go home, so I can marry Jennifer, so that I can finally nail her.

See? It's amazing what we'll do for sex.

- I know you did! - I did not, I promise you. - Yes you did! - I cross my heart. - Oh, that means something.

- Hey, we'd like to play here. - Yeah, we're playing here.

- You're just farting around. - How vivid. We're playing, see?

- Bounce the ball, bounce the ball. - No, you're just jerking us around.

There's one afternoon a week where I can just be normal

and play some hoop, and you have to come and get all ignorant about it?

Oh, listen to that, Julie. I didn't think Mormons liked whine?

- I didn't know fairies liked sports. - Fairies? Oh, how seventh grade.

- Why don't we just play two on two? - But you're... - A girl, so I can't play?

But then I am black, so maybe I can. Your only problem is deciding which one of your

narrow-minded stereotypes can kick your lilly-white ass.

- Afraid you'll get beat? - By a girl... and a fag? - We'll mop you like a dirty floor.

Fine. We're shirts, you're skins.

Uh... no...

Fine, we'll be skins.

That's unfair. Put your shirts back on, we can keep the teams straight.

You can play? Yeah, we can learn a skill. I played in highschool, when I learned all the jocks were doing it,

but only with other jocks.

Maybe we should cut the chatter.

OK slackers, how's the studying coming? Ryder? Right.

Alright, First Corinthians 7,1. Ryder? Right. Anybody? Gil.

And therefore these promises, dearly beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from all filthiness

of the flesh and spirit, perfecting holiness in the fear of God.

Well, alright Green! You know, if Gilford wouldn't be completely heartbroken, you would be my new best friend.

- Yeah, Harmon, I got your heartbreak right here. - Oh, man!

Elder, you got the devil in you!

Hey.

- Oh, shit. Jesus Christ! Sorry, I stabbed myself. - Looks like you're bleeding.

- You okay? - No, I'm fine. Just go back to your reading.

- What? - I think you... fainted. - I don't bleed very well.

- I'm OK, really. - No, maybe we should get you inside.

Ryder! Wanna give me a hand?

- Damn, Ryder I'm gonna hit you and it's gonna hurt. - That hurt! I warned you.

- Alright. No, Aaron, come on. Do me a favour, you've got to take a look at it...

tell me if I, you know, need stiches or something.

I can't really tell.

Alright, look! Come on, I'm not going to lunge at you. Just take a look at it.

Let's see here...

- Is it bad? - No, it's fine, it's just a little cut.

- Do you have any disinfectant? - Yeah.

It's funny, you know. I'm not squeamish. In high school, we went to this hospital,

but I was the only one who wanted to watch surgery. They brought me in and they...

scrubbed me down, and they put me in these green things, you know?

Band-Aids? I watched as they opened this guy's chest

and there it was, this heart, this human heart. You think about it beating and all but it's

it's more of a dance.

And I couldn't get over that that's all

that tethers us to this planet, you know that...

fragile little muscle

and it's tiny you know, in the scheme of things...

and when you think about all the things that can stop it...

there's got to be something else,

some miraculous thing that keeps that valiant little muscle dancing,

you know what I mean?

I'm sorry... I'm gonna stop talking.

I need to lay down now.

It's hot.

I'm hot.

- Maybe I should get you a cool cloth... - Yeah.

I haven't done anything...

...anything like this... happened...

It's OK...this doesn't have to mean anything...

Yes, it does!

It can be just a little fun... between friends.

My first time could just be a little fun for you?

Maybe you can equate sex with a handshake.

That's what... like a badge?!

What do you want me to congratulate you?

Hey... don't preach to me, OK?

I mean who are you, some kid from the sticks?

You come in here and you're gonna fucking judge me?

Yeah... I am some dudah pudnacker from Pocatello...

they ship us here from Dork Island.

I'm saying I know how retarded you think I am, OK?

You found me out, alright?

My worst secret.

Now I'm humiliated, so your work is done here.

Wait... I don't think you are a dork,

but if you know how ridiculous you look, why would you do it?

Don't you believe in anything?

- Yeah... - Then tell me...

...tell me one thing in your life beyond a shadow of a doubt that you really believe

I believe Ann Margret has never been given her due as a night actress

Duh! For 'Tommy' alone, I mean, did you see her when she was...

Is that something you can build a life on?

Look at yourself!

You're so pretty and colourful on the outside...

...but on the inside you're nothing but fluff.

You're like a walking... talking... marshmallow peep.

That's not fair!

It doesn't matter when it's true.

I can't believe what I was about to do,

when there is nothing Christian, nothing about you that's not skin deep.

Do you believe in God?

- What, who are you talking to? - You.

No, everybody...alright, general question: Do you believe in God?

You mean other than Madonna?

Fucking A yeah, I do... why not?

I believe in harmony as a law in the universe like gravity, you know, we're meant to vibrate together.

Well, being positive since I was 17 gives meaning to the word 'miracle', so yeah.

I mean without getting all holy on your ass I believe...what?

The Mormons are mindfucking him.

Oh honey, you do not want to let them get into your psyche.

You start off listening to Amy Grant but then before you know it...

...it's 3 am and you got your Visa card and you're giving it to the scary bitch on TV with the lavender hair.

You'd better testify! Hello Chris, we have a bet going here. It's you convert one of them, remember?

Did you forget who you are talking to here? I will bust everyone's tables if I lose this,

but let me just say... - No no, let me say...

I dated this guy once... actor, cute southern came from this real religious family.

Well, his parents found out he was gay, and can you say drama?

They sent him to one of those Christian change ministries.

- Wow, did he change? - Did he!

His thing used to be a tux! I'm serious, he's still gayer than a box of birds.

A box of birds... I love that!

How about twirlier than a party dress but seriously, it fucked with him.

Well, I'm now being fucked with.

It's just... I'm not shallow, am I?

Honey, you don't have to be deep, you just have to be pretty.

OK, you're not helping.

If you have something to prove, be at my house at 6:30 in the morning.

6:30 in the morning... why?

You have to sacrifice if you want to find yourself,

or whatever it is you're doing.

You don't think I'll be there!

Quit bitching, it's the early bird that gets the worm.

There's an incentive... specially as we don't get pizza till 2 a.m.

OK, here's the deal.

After your training, I'm going to set you up on a route...

A route! On my first day?

It's what you do already, it's delivering food only this time you're driving.

Think as yourself as a waiter on wheels.

Great, give me some hot pants and roller skates, this will be the fullfilment of a dream.

For all of us...

Hi! We're from the Church of Jesus Christ... Just a moment

Honey? Stacey, you'll wanna hear this...

What have we here...!

Hello, Project Angelfood, hello?

I said 'come in' three goddamn times.

Sorry, I didn't hear you.

Where do you want me to put this?

I don't care, I'm not hungry.

- OK, well maybe I can just turn a light on in here. - Prick

You're not going to last long if you look that shocked with everybody.

I'm going to put this down over here.

So... you got a cigarette?

Ahuh... isn't that an oxygen tank?

Couldn't that... explode?

Boom!

That would be such a terrible way to go, wouldn't it?

So come on, how about that cigarette?

Sorry, I don't smoke.

What are you doing here?

I'm delivering your food; I thought we'd been through the routine.

No, no I mean you.

Pretty boys don't usually do shit like this.

Are you punishing yourself, or something?

Feel... guilty for being so good looking...

...and there are so many ugly fucks in the world?

you get tired of doing reps at the gym...

and bragging about your latest conquests and all the rest of your stupid, shallow little life?

Fuck you. You don't know me.

Of course I do. I used to be you.

I had a career...friends... looks the whole package...

but now I am just a skeletal reminder that we might only be in the eye of the hurricane

OK, I'm gonna go now.

I'm just fucking with you, right?

You should have seen your face.

I get bored, I'm sorry... I like to rattle the newbies.

I must really look like shit; it didn't use to be this easy.

Could you just help me with this pillow under me? I don't... I can't...

...anyway sort of... Christ, my butt has wasted away to nothing.

It's too bad cause I used to have a killer ass, I did.

I've got pictures of it around here somewhere.

- I'll take your word for it. - That's good.

Snow! It's all just snow!

What did you just say?

Maybe it's the meds but...

sometimes I get this weird read on people like a blank TV screen.

All I see is snow.

What do you suppose that means?

Nothing.

I'll see you.

No you won't.

We should go in.

Ah, for the love of flippin Pete, we're not tracked in a hospital.

That's sick, and not in a good way.

Let's just see if they let us leave some pamphlets in the lobby.

And you're dancing solo, cowboy!

They only allow non-denominational literature in the lobby.

What did I flippin tell ya!

You OK?

Is there anything I can do?

I.. I'm sorry.

I don't do this.

I refuse to break down in front of strangers.

But someone dies...

I'm so sorry.

They shouldn't have made me do it.

Turn it off... like...

watching a line on a little screen just... go...

...straight

He always said that television would be the death of him.

Was he your husband?

No...never my official husband...

then again...

probably my best friend.

His doctor Ben called me and said that it was time.

This is what he wanted.

I should have been prepared for it.

Who are you?

Cary Grant?

No Ma'am, I'm a Mormon missionary.

We just pass out pamphlets,

and they give us these discussions that we memorize.

I really don't know what to say here.

Did you read the 'Sunday Comics'?

I beg your pardon?

The comic page?

When I was a little kid I used to put my face right up to them, you know,

and I was just amazed because it was just this mass of dots.

I think life is like that sometimes.

but I like to think that from God's perspective,

life... everything...even this...

makes sense.

It's not just dots,

instead we're all... we're all connected,

and it's beautiful,

and it's funny,

and it's good.

From this close we can't expect it to make sense,

right now.

- Thank you. - Oh, keep it.

Would you come and see me? Please?

Drinks are on the house.

Oh, I don't drink.

That must make your church a bit of a hard sell!

At times.

Well, just hold on to it anyway.

Maybe you can come by for a meal... on me

I will.

Promise?

I promise.

So, did you have fun? Talking to crying lady?

Yeah, I did actually.

Good. So we missed lunch.

I've seen you guys going out early in the morning.

I bet you are wondering where I am off to, huh?

You are always at the gym.

No, I am volunteering now. Project Angelfood.

That's great.

What do you want from me... some sort of merit badge?

No... I just... you know what you said about me. It's not true.

Fine! It's not true and the world is a better place.

You're not doing that cause of what I said, are you?

- No, I just thought we could... - Yeah, we could what?

Hang out? Be best friends? Ride off into the sunset?

I don't know.

- Everyone seems to think that... they treat me like I'm... - ...like you're perfect

Yeah... maybe so at times.

And you are the first person I've met that's made me feel like that's not enough, like maybe I want to be something more.

- So I just thought... - Look...whatever you thought...

Don't.

We're colours and whites... ...we don't mix

Oh fuc,k I got to piss.

Hall in, first door on your right.

I don't kiss.

What's your name again?

Dick?

Dirk.

Dirk? Your parents named you Dirk?

It's really Mort.

- My friends call me Watersports. - Sport...

It's not that I don't appreciate what you're doing back there, but...

Could we have a little talk?

Talk?

Cool!

I'm into that.

Fuck yeah... I am your nasty little slut boy. I'm your pussy whore.

You're gonna spank momma's ass cause she's been a bad, bad girl.

Oh, OK that's not exactly what I meant.

I meant conversation.

Conversation?

Why?

Don't you ever want to get to know someone?

Have it... mean something? sleep with someone and actually sleep with them?

You wanna what... sleep together?

- I don't know man.. - Isn't that kind of intimate?

Excuse me, a moment ago you were licking my spleen but sleeping with you would be too intimate?

Woa.. now you're freaking me out.

I didn't know you were into weird shit.

I'm just gonna go, man.

- I'ts back... - Yeah! It must be your lucky fucking day.

Or maybe I'm not suffering enough yet.

I didn't expect to see you again

Oh come on now, you don't think you're going all Miss Cleo on me is going to scare me off that easily now, do you?

Maybe it's just dementia setting in.

Sometime I read people and I... I pick up the Oracle at Delphi

And sometimes I growl at people; doesn't make me Eartha Kitt.

- I'm just going to put this right about here. - Doesn't matter, I'm still not hungry.

I don't remember asking if you were!

I just deliver the stuff, remember?

But my friend Andrew made this, and he doesn't even cook for his boyfriends, so the least you can do is try and be polite...

... and eat it.

I don't have to pretend to be polite; I think I've earned that right.

Oh yes, that's right... you're dying, you're bitter... blah blah blah.

Fortunately, I'm shallow so I'm impervious to that.

Now eat it!

Impervious...

I bet you don't know how to spell that.

Sure I do.. It's spelled 'Bite me'.

Now just to show that our little problems in this world don't amount to a hill of beans...

...I'm going to read about some people who have some real trouble.

Say it isn't so!

What?

Well, apparently poor Pam Anderson has had her breast implants taken out

and put back in so many times, her entire chest is collapsing.

Oh, they have bikini pictures.

- They're horrible! - Shut up

No, they are seriously, they're down to her knees.

Eat your chicken and I'll show you.

Prick.

Give me the fucking magazine!

Aaron, what happened!

- There was an accident. - Come on, let me help you inside.

There was this car that was just going way too fast...

Ryder... I should have warned him, now they've take him to the hospital and...

Accidents.. they happen.

- I was thinking.... I wasn't even paying attention... - It's OK...

Look... you're in no position... I should...

...go.

- Ah, for flippin... - Gross!

Pretty boy is not the only fag here!

OK, look, nothing happened here guys.

We walked in here and you two were mackin' like schoolgirls and you're saying nothing happened?

Well, maybe you can try and reach down in your little bible geek soul and be cool for two seconds?

- I don't think you get to be making requests here, gayboy. - Don't fucking touch me asshole

- Dude, you so got to be leaving. - Don't blow this out of proportion, it's not that big of a deal, right?

Yeah, it kind'a is...

Please, just go.

- Um...hi. Is Davis around? - You're too late, loverboy...

...you'd better betcha they're putting your boyfriends butt on a plane home this afternoon,

and now we have to move again cause we can't live across from some big doodah flamer homo.

Thank you very much.

You stay! Your friend and I are gonna have a little talk...

OK asshole, the way I see it you've got a big mouth and only one arm to back it up.

So how is it going to look when a big flamer kicks the shit out of you?

- Ryder... tell me where he is. - What, do you think I wanted to see him get busted?

This may come as a surprise to you, but I actually liked the guy.

He took this whole thing serious as a seizure,

but we were getting through it OK.

So why him? Huh?

Did you go fuck him up?

He doesn't deserve the kind of grief he's got coming down the pipe.

Nothing was supposed to happen to him.

Oh pucky! You were gunning for something ever since we got here,

and if you want to know where he is, I want to know why.

It was... it was just stupid... it was just a dumb bet, fifty bucks... it's not about that.

It's not about that at all.

Please!

You're too late anyway. His flight left 10 minutes ago.

Hey... if it's any help... there's a five hour lay-over in Salt Lake.

Thanks!

Aaron!

Sorry, sorry.

God, I hate the snow!

What are you doing here?

I came after you.

How could you leave without saying anything?

It's not my choice.

I'm being sent home in shame,

and I'm probably going to be excommunicated.

For just a kiss?

Don't get me wrong; it was a nice kiss but hey, come on, we didn't even get to use our tongues!

- You wouldn't understand. - I'm sorry, I'm not... I'm not very good at this.

See, I've never made a fool out of myself in front of anyone before.

But I've never felt this way before about anyone in my entire life.

What, for just some guy you can't have?

And then next week you're gonna be on to your next conquest.

But what if you're not?

Huh? What if everything in my entire pathetic life, which I happen to love, has led me to this point, right now?

What if you're the blinding light in the middle of the road...

that strikes me like the guy in... - ...the guy in the Bible...

- him! - Paul? - Yeah!

And what if everything's changed like that... And lions lay down with lambs and colours mix with whites...

What if you're the one I have been waiting for my whole life and I let you go?

You have no idea what I'd be giving up.

Dammit... what's wrong with you?

You want 'Revelations' engraved in gold and angels trumpeting down from heaven.

What if this is it instead?

Me telling you I love you, right here... in the snow.

I think that's pretty miraculous!

But if you don't... I'll go; you can pretend this was just some coincidence.

You can pretend there wasn't some reason we met,

that you're sorry I ever walked into your life.

God, I hate the snow!

Ho... this door must have froze shut. You boys come in before you freeze too!

C'mon, we're closing the whole airport because of this storm.

How long did we go at it?

Two-and-a-half hours.

It's OK, right?

OK?

That's amazing.

I don't know how long you're supposed to do it.

- You carry a pocket watch! - it's done months...

...it was actually my great grandfather's but...

... I don't think you came here for a geneaology lesson.

You know, I thought you'd be a little more reticent.

Well, I'm already going to hell for kissing you so...

I may as well take the scenic route.

What God do you believe in?

It's not just God...

...it's everything.

This... you... tonight...

I'm just... turning my back on it all.

But you know I guess... a guy like you really doesn't know what that's like, you know...

to be completely cut off.

When I was 13 years old, my dad...

...he was this macho, hot-shot banker guy,

and I was just this skinny little kid...

...who'd been caught trying on his mother's shoes one too many times...

anyway, my dad said he would rather die than raise a little nellyboy

and I thought I would rather die than be one.

So my dad, who'd never been out of the city in his entire life

decided we were going to go hunt deer.

So my dad drags me to this lodge up in the Sierras, right?

It's early November,

the same as now,

and there's this storm rolling in.

My dad was so determined that sissy boy was going to kill something.

Snow came at us from all sides;

the air, the sky, the ground, they all became the same,

and horrible screaming... white,

and I thought we're gonna be OK, right?

And then I saw my father's eyes,

and they were that same white...

and that's when he did it.

And did what?

Ran!

He didn't come back for you?

Uh uh.

But I got calm... I knew I was going to die.

And that's when I heard it...

an angel...

singing.

An angel?

Turned out not to be an angel at all.

What was it?

Just the wind... over some rocks,

a cave.

Inside at least I was out of the snow, and I guess I drifted off.

When I woke up it was dark.

It was still snowing hard, and I heard a noise at the mouth of the cave like a bear...

and it grabbed me and picked me up, and I fought, but I was so weak and cold...

all I could do was knock the bear's hood off. - The bear had a hood?

Turned out to be a bear only in the sense that the search and rescue guy was pretty hairy...

...but that's when it got weird.

And not until then?

He ripped off all my clothes,

and he tore all his clothes off.

Sure you weren't delirious?

Then he stuffed us into a sleeping bag.

Oh wait... it's hypothermia... I remember from the boyscout manual. - Exactly, but I didn't know what to think.

I was so... tired,

and cold.

But inspite of it all...

I popped the biggest woody ever.

And he just wrapped those big arms around me,

pulled me into that hairy chest,

and told me I was OK.

That was the first moment in that whole ordeal I began to cry.

I don't blame you, I would have been freaked out too.

No...

...it was joy.

I thought I'd rather die than be gay.

I'd gotten a pretty good idea what dying felt like.

But lying there in the arms of that man,

I thought if this is what being gay feels like,

bring it on!

Come on... let's get you home.

Hello?

Oh, that's very funny! Fuck you, Andrew.

Boy, where the hell have you been?

Salt Lake.

OK, if you haunt your guys all that way you'd better tell me you won the bet.

I think I'm the loser on this one...

Hey, hey, hey... don't let it get to you... even Tiger Woods slices now and then.

Fucking Andrew!

Is he doing his crackhead telemarketer again?

No, he is jerking me around by...

on the offchance just... you didn't happen to give my demo to anyone, did you?

Um, yeah... this Angel Food guy. Delivered to him...

he said he was once in the music business but...

you know I thought he might like it.

I think he gave it away.

To?

Oh Julie, oh no, I mean he's on heavy medicine. He's loopy anyway...

...you can't take what he says seriously... Julie you're hurting my arm!

- Who did he give it to? - He said he was gonna give it to Clive...

Davis??

Clive Davis?

Oh fuck me, I hung up on Clive Davis?

Oh my God, answer it!

- No you answer it... - Answer it!

Ow Julie, that's the arm that I use to... Fucking answer it!

Hello?

Julie Taylor?

Um... so is that Clyde with a D or Clive with a V?

Oh well... it's official... winter's here.

Bundle up!

Ah... much better.

So... guess what... this A and R guy from the record company has been totally coy about which team he plays on...

when I introduce you, you can totally nail him and set the record straight.

Well, so to speak.

- I gotta pass on this one... Kiddo... why? He is totally cute, I'm serious.

What's wrong with you... you know, you haven't been yourself since...

wait... are you still not over missionary man?

I don't know.

Chris!

It's weird with him disappearing like that.

OK... well then just stop moping like a schoolgirl and do something about it. Call him!

Just dial 1-800-TORTURED MORMON?

Probably, sounds like there are enough of them.

- But I think that you should just get the hell over it. - Maybe I don't want to.

I mean, LA is a city where everyone dances with one eye on the door...

like we're all waiting for something better to walk in.

Well would we even recognize it if it did?

It would be nice to stop circling.

It would be nice to stop equating sex with a handshake.

And it might be nice to have it mean something.

Listen to you, you are turning into a chick!

- Shut up! - You are! Wait Christian wait, seriously you dropped something.

- What? - Your balls! Must have fallen over under somewhere.

This is me not talking to you!

OK wait, but you're still coming to the show tonight, right?

As president of the Pocatello stake, it is my unhappy duty and obligation to convene this church court on behalf of the Elder

Aaron Davis for the grave and grievous sin of homosexuality.

In the light of your abnormal and abonimable state,

and your refusal to see you have been duped

into a hogwash alternative lifestyle,

I wish my shame was enough for both of us, not to mention the shame you've brought to this church...

- our family... our ancestors... - Wait a minute... our ancestors?

Dad... your grandfather had half-a-dozen wives!

Same goes for every single person in this room... I'd say we were the original definition of alternative lifestyle.

Are you calling us hypocrites?

No, we've gone way beyond hypocracy, Dad, now we're just being mean.

With the authority invested in me by the Melchizedek priesthood,

and in the name of Jesus Christ, I have no choice

but to begin excommunication proceedings against you, at which point you will be stripped of the priesthood...

the garments... and membership in this church.

Still at it?

There are a lot of Davises out there.

Hi, I'm trying to reach an Aaron Davis. No, not Errol. AARON... two A's...

Hi, yeah, I'm looking for an Aaron Davis... No, he didn't win anything...

No, no, no, he's younger than that...

Does he have a son named Aaron?

No! Yeah! Let me talk to your wife!

Hi, hello, yeah, I'm looking for an Aaron Davis.

What? The Davis Boy? Yeah, that sounds like him.

No, he's not in any more trouble... What kind of trouble?

I'm sorry... I'm not trying to pry.

Farron Davis, can you spell that?

On Stone Creek... really?... Thank you so much.

Buck Owens... really... they still run that? OK, well you get back to it now.

OK, thank you.

Hello? I'm sorry, brother Davis is down at the Stake Centre.

Oh, I'm sorry... Aaron? May I ask why you are trying to reach Aaron?

Los Ang... are you one of the Elders in Los Angeles?

No... you know what? My son has no desire to speak to you and I hope you would have the decency not to call here again.

- Is Dad missing dinner again? - Oh, it's nothing, but he sure is late over at the Stake Centre.

There is no point in this getting cold...

... and if you are just gonna play with it...

I don't even know why I bother anymore!

Julie! Get out here... I found him.

- You talked to him? - No, his mother hung up on me.

Um... bitch!

No, but if he really did not want to talk to me then she really would not

have had a problem putting him on the phone, right?

And next time he'll probably pick up.

Damn girl, I didn't know getting hung up on made feel so good.

Good! Then we are going out, because you have been a contrary Mary way too long!

Something fall again?

Yeah, just a little dropsy... you go on.

Mum?

- Mum... - What Aaron?

What?

It's nothing, I just wanted to see if you could bring yourself to look at me.

I'm looking at you... what am I suppose to be seeing?

Nothing.

His name was Christian, wasn't it?

What?

Is Christian the one?

What did he do to you?

He loved me.

Don't say that! Do you know how ridiculous that sounds? How repulsive that is to God, to everyone?

Two men? Men don't love Aary... women bring love to a relationship.

- But Ma, he told me he loved me... - He would have told you anything

He flattered and beguiled you... tools of the devil, that's what they do!

- You don't know that. - Yes I do!

- You don't know that! - I do... you know why? Because when you didn't arrive home,

I called your mission president - You checked up on me huh?

I was worried sick about you... and you know what he said?

Your missionary companion told him that that Christian person... you were nothing more than a bet he made.

- That's not true... - Yes it is true! He won your soul for a lousy fifty dollars!

That's all you were worth to him, and you know what?

He's probably forgotten all about you and now he's moving on to his next fornication.

- Mum he wouldn't... - It meant nothing to him, he was using you and that is why...

you can never think about him again, ever... ever again!

You've got... you have got to put this thing behind you, this horrible mistake that everybody knows about.

You've seen how they look at us.

You've seen how people just turn their carts around when we walk down the isle in the market...

and how they look away at the bank.

Why do you think your father doesn't come home anymore?

What if it's not something I've done, what if it's who I am?

Don't say that. Don't you ever even think that!

You can be forgiven... maybe heavenly Father can forgive you for what you've done, but who you are...

He could never forgive something like that.

You know, I think I am going to heat up that casserole with the cream of mushroom soup.

Where are you going?

- I left some stuff down the church... - Now? We just got back!

- Our son... we've just come back from... - As good a time as any.

- Hello? Mrs Davis... listen, I know you don't want me to speak with your son...

My son? Let me tell you something, you son of a bitch!

Thanks to you, my son took a razor to his wrists.

Thanks to you, I have lost my son.

And I hope you burn, I hope you burn forever!

Chris?

Sit down.

Drink that.

Toss it...

... that way it's medicinal!

Good! It's vital for a man to have a couple of slugs in him before discussing heartache.

- I think Hemingway told me that... - You knew Ernest Hemingway?

Margot, actually.

But beauties don't always escape tragedy.

Oh God, this is hell...

I've done something.

I'm guilty...

and I'll burn for it.

Funny thing about guilt... there is nothing so bad that you can't add a little guilt to it and make it worse,

and there is nothing so good you can't add a little guilt to it and make it better.

Guilt distracts us from a greater truth... we have an inherent ability to heal.

We seem intent on living through even the worst heartbreak.

How?

Practice.

3 a.m., you slut!

I wish! We were in the studio... I can't seem to come up with a song for the single.

You? Couldn't sleep.

So what, you sit here in the dark?

Hey, let's just say "fuck the no-carbs thing", let's go to Dupar's, and eat pancakes till we choke, huh?

Yeah... I think I'm just going to go back to bed.

Tuesday, 3 a.m., once again I can't sleep.

It's like I am waiting for time to fix some part of me that keeps on breaking.

I've already thrown out the newspaper and washed the left-over dishes,

nothing to do but sit here and think.

As a citizen and voter in the city of Los Angeles, it is up to you to decide

if you will allow...

Where are you going with my goddamn flowers?

- But they are... - We don't throw anything out that is not completely dead.

- Deal? - Deal.

And another thing... you've got to quit coming over here and moping around. You're fucking depressing me!

I'm depressing you?

That's what I'm saying... If we've reached the point where you're dragging my day, well then...

we've got a problem... seriously.

You've gotta do something... it's time to make a move.

Just find a way to get past this.

Are you being the Oracle right now?

Nah... I'm just being a friend.

Hello, may I help you? Are you Aaron Davis' mother?

I'm sister Davis, yes.

I knew your son, in Los Angeles.

Ah, you must be one of the elders from there; you have that look.

No, my name is Christian.

He lost his watch.

I wanted you to know how sorry I am.

It kills me to think that I could have caused him any pain.

Wait!

Could be worse... could be raining.

Oh yeah, it is raining!

Only in LA does it rain when the news has operation storm on.

Don't suppose there's bills of mine in that mail?

Oh my God... it's a copy of my video.

What?

Get outta here! It's about damn time.

Been waiting to see this ...

Come on girl, it's been so top secret. Plug it in, let's go!

OK, I don't want you to snap to some judgement.

Why... is this some kind of like nasty-ass-Christina Aguilera's-can't-go-wrong-with kind of video?

No, it's just...

Tuesday, 3 a.m.,

once again I'm wide awake,

waiting for time to mend this part of me

that keeps on breaking.

Newspapers I threw away,

washed the dishes in the sink.

What the fuck...

That's from my journal; what the fuck is stuff from my journal doing in here?

You were the one always telling me to write songs about you... I was gonna tell you...

or ask you or whatever... - You knew I would tell you to go fuck yourself.

So you what? You'd steal my most private personal hell I've been trying to get past, and you turn around

and throw it back in my face, is that it?

I just thought that if something good could come out of this...

Oh, for you maybe...

Jesus, Chris... I didn't want to tell you...

Look... I don't want to tell you like this... but the record label they...

want me to move to New York for a while,

cause... all the hot producers work in the clubs there.

Have a nice trip!

Help you?

- I was looking for Christian... - Yeah, um... no Chris, he's um.... he's not... - Oh, never mind.

Want me to give him a message or anything?

I heard you didn't get the part.

I hate to admit it but I'm gonna miss you when you go back to New York.

Who said anything about leaving?

Come on, you hate LA.

Um, look, if you tell anybody that I said this, I will rip your lips off.

I was miserable in New York;

at least in LA you can be miserable while you get a tan.

My dear boy!

I was hoping this was still good.

Of course it's still good.

I didn't have any place else to go.

Welcome!

Give my young friend whatever he wants.

- What will it be? - Just a coke, thank you.

Nothing stronger?

You look like you could use it.

If you don't mind me saying you look like um... hell?

Why?

I didn't come to unload on you.

Well, you gave me that privilege once. Let me return the favour.

After we met, I was sent home and excommunicated...

for being gay.

Your church doesn't like alcohol or homosexuals;

well, I'm definitely not joining!

Can't imagine heaven without both.

Sorry, go on.

Um, that led me to a brief but disastrous affair with a sharp object.

After the hospital stitched me up,

my parents put me in this place,

this facility, where they were supposed to change me

and fix me.

This one night I was on restriction,

and I was cleaning this floor with a toothbrush.

That's when I heard it...

this voice,

it was like an angel.

It was just the TV.

It was the strangest coincidence.

I don't believe in coincidence...

these days I believe in miracles.

Maybe,

because the girl who was singing,

she's only almost famous; you wouldn't know her,

but I did.

And I know people feel this way about certain songs,

but I felt like she was singing right to me.

This is my young friend.

We've met.

- I went by your place... - I sub-let it...

Is this, this isn't...

He's a great tipper!

Darlings, the food's not gonna get warmer sitting on the counter!

Hot stuff, coming through!

A toast...

An affirmation,

a prayer of thanks.

I want you to know that wherever we find ourselves in this world,

whatever our successes or failures,

come this time of year you will always have a place at my table...

and a place in my heart.

Sometimes it all still feels like a mass of dots,

but

more and more these days,

I feel like we're all connected.

And it's beautiful,

and funny,

and good.