Original subtitles

Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen. www.addic7ed.com

I had all these arcade games shipped from Achmachistan.

There's "smack-a-genie," "yakman," and "mule king Jr."

Oh, dude, I'll play mule king Jr.

So, how do I play?

Donkey: Hee-haw!

That is how you play.

You won, baby!

What?

Oh, I don't believe it.

That was my first time playing.

Hey, how do I get more tokens?

Ah, you put your dollar in the chi-chi-change machine

and then you will get your tokens.

Oh, all right.

(Squeaking)

What the heck was that?

That was the chi-chi.

(Middle eastern music plays)

Jerry, dude, why aren't you training?

Your black belt test is in a couple of days.

You know how important this is to Rudy.

There isn't anywhere he'd rather be.

I am outta here!

Headed to Beijing for two weeks.

Karate magazine just named me sensei of the year.

What about our test?

What test?

Our belt ranking test.

Oh! Oh, that test.

Of course. I take belt ranking very seriously.

Milton's going for his blue...

- brown. - Brown.

And Jerry's going for his green...

- black. - Black.

- And that's why Jeff... - Jack!

Jack will be giving you your test while I'm in Japan.

- All: China! - Whatever!

Hey guys, you know what the best part about being named sensei of the year is?

You finally get the recognition you deserve.

(Scoffs) No.

I get to rub it in Ty's face.

I just called him at his new job at roller rubs and he's on his way over now.

Roller rubs, mobile massage!

I'm looking for, uh... "Harry buns."

(Snickering)

Harry buns?

I need Harry buns.

(Chuckling)

What's so funny? I want Harry buns!

Don't you get all tough with me

I'm saying won't you come kick it with me

and we could have a ball run up the wall

- that's just how we do

- Come on

and no matter how much I chop and punch

it's not as cool as kickin' it with you

here we go let's start the party

chop it up like it's karate

everybody

won't you come kick it with me

and we could have a ball run up the wall

- that's just how we do

- Come on

and no matter how much I chop and punch

it's not as cool as kickin' it with you.

...fifty seven.

Fifty eight.

Jerry: Fifty nine.

Sixty.

Whew.

Counting is hard, man. Here's your tip.

I can't believe you.

Jack old us that we had to do a hundred push ups before he got back.

You see, that's the difference between you and I, Milton.

I'm not worried about what Jack thinks.

He's coming.

Nine hundred ninety nine... One thousand!

Woo! (Sighs)

Try to keep up, Milton.

I know you just did your fake sweat spray-bottle thing.

I can't believe you think that.

Jerry, you're the most physically gifted guy in the dojo.

I'm right here.

Sorry.

But you also need discipline and focus if you want to get your black belt.

Dude, before I came to this dojo, I was just a skate punk

who didn't take karate seriously.

You may not remember this, but before I came to the dojo,

I was kind of a nerd.

You have a real shot here.

I'm not gonna let you blow it.

So, to help personally train you for your test,

I brought in one of the best and best-looking black belts I know.

Both: Gary from superkicks?!

Surprise!

I know, you were hoping for Gary from superkicks.

Both: Yeah.

Ah!

I can't believe you came here for our belt tests.

I wouldn't miss it.

Okay, Jerry. For your black belt test

you're gonna fight off three attackers at once.

Here, I'll show you how it's done.

All right, come at me, you guys!

(Grunting)

(Groaning)

Wow.

If I have to do that to get my black belt

I'm gonna have to train harder than I've ever trained before.

Whew, I am beat.

I don't know if I have another one in me.

But we won't know until we try.

Hit it, petey!

(Dance music plays)

Uh, excuse me, ladies. Training for my brown belt here.

This is a dojo, not a disco.

Oh, okay, you wanna dance?

Fine, let's go, Shakira!

Oh, too much man for you, huh?

Always too much man.

Yo, yo, yo.

What it do, girl?

- (Chuckles) - What?

How can you have a party when you're supposed to be

training with Kim in the park?

If you keep acting this way, you're gonna fail your test.

Oh, Milton.

Lighten up, man.

Rudy's gone, Jack's giving us the test.

He's not gonna fail us, he's our boy!

So let's crank up the music...

And crank it right back down, people.

(Music stops)

I had nothing to do with this.

I was sucked into this tawdry shuffle that was a nightmare

of flailing arms and swaying hips.

Oh, and mother help me, I liked it.

Jerry, you're wasting my time and Kim's.

Uh, where is Kim?

There you are!

You left me waiting in the park for the past two hours.

I thought maybe you got attacked by that crazy lady.

- What crazy lady? - Me!

You left me waiting in the park for the past two hours!

Hey.

It's clear you're not ready.

I'm cancelling your test and suspending you from the dojo.

- What? - You don't deserve to wear a black belt.

(Laughing)

You may be able to shut this party down and kick me out,

but you will not take my dignity.

I will walk out of here with my head held high!

Hey, why is the Jerry sad?

Is it because no girls like you or because you're bad in the schoolyard,

or because no girls like you?

No!

No, it's Jack.

Dude, he used to be my best friend.

Now he's just a big jerk who thinks he better than everyone.

Oh, I hear you, brochacho.

Jack is the worst.

Always coming in late, messing up the orders,

and bragging about his new pony.

Phil, who're you talking about?

Jack, Jack Anderson.

I hate you, Jack Anderson!

No, I meant Jack brewer.

Oh, Jack brewer!

Jack brewer is the best.

He even signed a picture of himself for my wall of Jacks.

Notice who's not up there, Jack Anderson!

Oh, no, Ty is back.

Ever since I got the smack-a-genie he's in here playing all day.

Genie's voice: You lose! No wish for you!

(Maniacal laughing)

There goes this month's rent.

Hey, man.

I'll rub your feet for a token.

I don't think so.

Come on bro, I need this. I gotta smack the genie.

Smack it bad, I tell you!

I said no.

(Monkey chattering)

Kid!

Give me a token!

(Screams)

Come back!

(Middle eastern music playing)

Jack thinks he's all that.

Cause he's in charge.

Well, if it wasn't for him, I'd already have my black belt.

You don't deserve to wear a black belt.

(Chuckles)

Oh, really? Well, take this, Jack!

Genie's voice: Winner, new high score!

What is your wish, master?

My wish? Oh, you wanna know my wish?

I wish Jack had never come to the dojo.

Your wish is my command.

Rudy: Jerry? Jerry?

You okay?

(Groans) I think so.

(Grunts)

Phew.

Can't have anything bad happen to my favorite black belt.

Did you say, "black belt?"

This is my favorite photo of you.

I love you, Jack Anderson.

Wait, wait, wait, what?

Jack's picture is gone?

And I'm a black belt?

It worked.

Everything's changed!

Oh... hey, hey, hey.

What it do, girl?

(Scoffs)

Well, almost everything's changed.

Kickin' it with you!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm gonna have to ask you to pick that paper up.

See, I'm a black belt.

And these hands are weapons. (Grunts)

You do realize you're not actually a black belt?

This is your uniform. You work at Rudy's black belt massage.

Weapons of relaxation.

Yo, why is there a black dragon sign on your dojo?

You know that I lost my dojo three years ago

when we didn't win that tournament against the black dragons.

What is wrong with you?

You must've really hit your head when you fell.

Wait.

So the black dragons own the dojo and I'm a masseuse?

Dude, this isn't how I imagined this life would be.

Yeah, tell me about it.

I should be running a chain of beauty salons called "Uncle scissors."

Really? That's your dream?

No.

No, I just started talking before I realized I didn't have a dream,

and that's what came out.

Chop chop, Rudy.

These shoulders aren't gonna rub themselves.

Get to work, Jerry. I want all my piggies taken to the market.

(Groans)

Oh! Dude!

How many toes do you have?

None of your business.

Just take all seventeen of them to the market.

Milton?

Milton?

Dude, that is you.

What happened?

Uh, I woke up, drove into work...

Then you asked me that question.

Whew. Busy day.

Dude, please tell me you don't wear that to school.

I don't do school, man. Remember?

I dropped out 'cause I couldn't handle the bullies.

But I did get this sweet job.

Hey...

So because Jack wasn't there to protect you,

you got picked on, dropped out, gave up, and now you're a token jockey?

Dude, I'm a lot more than that.

Uh... I refill the token machines.

I take the tokens out of the games, I give tokens to the kids.

Dude!

I'm a token jockey! Sweet!

(Crashes and screaming)

No, the black dragons are coming.

I must blow the horn of warning.

Ah, forget it.

The black dragons are coming!

The black dragons are coming!

Make room for the Phil.

Jerry: (Yelps) Not cool, dude.

Phil: I told you to make room.

It's 3:00, where's our food?!

You know I hate waiting for my burger!

You know I hate it when he hates waiting for his burger.

Wait, Jack? Kim?

Dude, why are you guys dressed like black dragons?

Dude, why are you guys acting like black dragons?

Yeah, I'm beginning to think you guys are black dragons.

Yo, thanks for getting me down.

Oh, I had to, man.

That kid just bought you for 500 tickets.

500 tickets?

The plastic whistle was 3,000!

You want this, you better ticket up, brah.

So Kim must have convinced Jack to join the black dragons,

and now they're both bullies.

What's your bag, man?

It's like you made some kind of trippy wish in an alternate universe,

and now you're like stuck in one of those

"be careful what you wish for" type situations.

I've been there, bro'.

It's all because I made a wish on that stupid smack-a-genie machine.

Oh... We used to have one of those, but Ty took it to his dojo.

Yo Milton, I have a plan.

Look, you're gonna help me sneak into the black dragons' dojo and distract them.

Then I'll get the high score, and wish things back.

I'm in, but we need a plan, dude.

But I just told you the...

okay, I know we're in trouble when I'm the smart one.

We gotta get out of here, quick.

Why, the black dragons are here?

No, Billy's coming back and he's got enough tickets to own you.

- (Screams) - Go, run!

You want to get a good grip, and in one movement, rip up.

(Grunts)

That my friend, is a black belt wedgie.

You know what the worst part about picking on a nerd is?

(Scoffs) Nothing.

(All laugh)

Hey, what are you two freaks doing here?

Uh, we're just running a very special promotion.

Free massages to a very select group of clientele.

Yeah, teachers, soldiers, ice skaters, bullies, and evil senseis.

Yes! I'm an ice skater!

And an evil sensei.

(All sighing)

So, uh, just remain calm, relax, and no matter what you hear...

Keep looking down.

(Middle eastern music plays)

- Hey, what is that pounding noise? - Uh...

That's...

The sound of relaxation knocking at your doors.

Just... let it in, hon.

(Groans)

(Groans in different tone)

(Groans in higher tone)

(Musical groaning)

- (Screams) - Thank you, Seaford!

That loser's playing our game.

(Yelps) Whoa!

Five more genies to high score.

(Grunting)

Winner! New high score!

What is your wish, master?

I wish things were back to the way they were!

Jack: Jerry? Hey Jerry, get up, man.

Jerry? Jerry...

no, no, no, please don't!

Wait...

Wait.

Jack's picture is on the wall.

And I'm not a black belt.

And Milton...

Milton, you don't have a lame haircut.

Well, no, you do, but it's a different lame haircut.

I'm home.

Jerry. Jerry, take it easy.

Yeah, dude, you were out for a while.

And how is my haircut lame?

Jack...

Dude, I'm sorry I took you for granted.

Look, from this moment on, I'm gonna take this black belt test seriously.

You know...

Because of you, all of our lives are a lot better.

Speak for yourself.

You haven't been massaging Harry buns all day.

Jerry, you've trained hard these past two weeks.

You can do this, I believe in you.

(Grunts)

(Grunting)

Hey, hey!

Oh!

Hey, I was just watching.

Congratulations, Jerry.

You're now a black belt.

Thank you, sensei.

Look at you, man. I'm so proud.

Hey, there's only one thing left to do...

All: Black belt party!

(Dance music playing)

Oh yeah, that's my jam.

I can't believe I'm actually saying this, but uh... I even missed her dance.

(Middle eastern music playing)

Winner! New high score!

What is your wish, master?

(Gasps)

Winner! New high score!

What is your wish, master?

Winner! New high score!

What is your wish, master?

There's my wish.

Aww, Jack, that's so sweet.

I was your wish?

Yeah, no. Actually, it was my burger, so...

That's good stuff, you know.

(Groans)

Thanks, hon, I was starving.

Yes!

(Theme music playing)

(Dog growls, barks)

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