Original subtitles

Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen www.addic7ed.com

Hey, Rudy, what are you watching?

"What did you do?"

Oh, we worked out, got a cheeseburger, and then came in here

and asked you what you were watching.

What are you watching?

"What did you do?"

Dude, I told you. We got a cheeseburger, we worked out...

No, it's the name of my favorite TV show.

They use hidden cameras and actors to capture real people doing good deeds.

( Theme music plays on TV)

Excuse me sir, I'm Don Quinonas host of "what did you do?"

My hidden cameras just captured you doing something remarkable.

- You gave $500... - (Sighs)

...to a complete stranger...

(Sighs heavily)

...so he could get his cat's broken tail fixed.

(Groans) Look, he's...

Oh, God.

I gotta be on this show...

So people will know that I'm better than they are.

And humble.

So humble.

Oh, hey.

How's your volunteer job at the history museum going?

Oh, I love it. I'm working right now.

- (Bell ringing) - Man: Gather round, good townspeople.

Those are the living legends.

They're traveling actors doing a show at the museum.

Their motto is "we make history come to life."

Oh, five bucks say they make Jerry fall asleep!

Come on.

Jerry... Meet Ben Franklin, Albert Einstein, Cleopatra, and Attila the hun.

Hun? Pretty sure Attila's a dude.

Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.

Early to bed, early to rise, go hit a treadmill and lay off the fries.

(Chuckles)

In my day, the young respected their elders.

Yeah, well in my day, dudes didn't wear their sister's stockings.

- I'm gonna get... - Keep it together, Carl, keep it together.

Ladies and gentlemen, gather round and witness

how I discovered that lightning is electricity.

(Yawning)

I'll need a volunteer.

Oh, uh...

You.

Huh! He never uses volunteers.

I was flying my kite on a stormy night,

when suddenly... (Beeps)

(Beeps)

Is... is that how he got you?

(Rock music playing)

Don't you get all tough with me

I'm saying won't you come kick it with me?

And we could have a ball, run up the wall

that's just how we do

and no matter how much I chop and punch

it's not as cool as kickin' it with you

here we go, let's start the party

chop it up like it's karate

everybody

won't you come kick it with me?

And we could have a ball, run up the wall

that's just how we do

and no matter how much I chop and punch

it's not as cool as kickin' it with you.

Okay, would you rather be a neanderthal facing a saber-toothed tiger,

or a peasant facing the bubonic plague?

Oh, that is a good one.

Ugh, whichever kills me quicker.

Man, you nerds need to get a life.

History is important, Jerry.

It's why we volunteer at the museum.

I still can't believe you guys don't get paid.

Whoa, we get paid...

In knowledge!

All: Whoo-hoo!

We're making deposits in the brain bank, yo.

All: Cha-Ching!

Oh, wow. Okay.

Guys, Chloe's here. Quick, nerd breath check.

(Gagging)

Oh, one of us has stink mouth,

- I think it's me. - No, I think it's me.

- Hey, guys. - Teddy's got stink mouth!

Milton, we changed the schedule.

You'll be working with me in the samurai wing tomorrow.

Oh...

Oh, Jerry,

this is Chloe. She's our...

Robot. All right, you guys

finally perfected the robo-girlfriend.

Oh, great job.

It's a big improvement over the floor waxer

Sydney put a bra on and called Sophia.

I miss Sophia.

Can I borrow her for the prom?

She's so realistic.

I'm not going to prom with you.

Very realistic.

Jerry, Chloe is the head of our volunteer program at the museum.

And like me, she loves history.

Oh, really?

Well, what it do, girl?

And what year did it do it in?

Ugh! Oh, eww.

Hey, not on my wharf, tough guys.

Get outta here.

And tell your friends...

When Rudy's on duty, they better watch their booty.

Okay, don't tell them that. Just go.

Hey.

I think you're safe now, pal.

Just know that this only happened

because wearing this...

Dorky backpack.

I mean, who wears a tickly turtle backpack?

You look like a little dork boy.

Uh, excuse me. Ma'am, you dropped this.

Excuse me, I'm Don Quinonas from the TV show "what did you do?"

That's my favorite show.

This woman is an actress.

And our hidden camera just caught you giving her wallet back.

It's really no big deal.

Yeah, you heard him.

It's not a big deal.

Did your camera catch me helping the dork boy?

Because that was a big deal.

Excuse me, sir, we're talking to a real hero.

It's not everyday we meet someone with your kind heart.

I'm a hero!

A hero with a huge heart!

Tell 'em, dork boy.

Tell 'em I'm a hero!

I'm a hero!

Do you want to hear a samurai haiku?

Oh, 17 beautiful syllables that say it all.

As long as it's not about love.

Every guy volunteer recites one to me hoping that I'll go out with them.

What's yours?

Samurais have swords.

Sharp, sharp, sharp, sharp, sharp, sharp swords.

This is the end.

Swords.

Hey, Chloe.

Just stopped by to pick up a volunteer application for the samurai wing.

Jerry, you don't know anything about samurais.

Oh, really? Try me.

Fact battle!

Just, uh... cleaning the statues.

Definitely not following Chloe around.

That'd be creepy, right?

I will not lower myself to engage in a silly competition with this buffoon.

I think intellectual competitions are so manly.

Let's battle, baby!

(Chuckles) I love fact battles.

What is the name of the defense garment worn on the back of a...

- (Buzzes) - What is a horo?

It was invented by Hatakeyama Masanaga during the onin war.

Boo-yah!

What's buried in shogun hashindo's tomb?

- (Buzzes) - A golden sword.

Oh! Ba-bam! Yeah.

Hold on, now.

I'm not done facting.

Legend has it that if the sword is removed,

his royal guards will come back to life to protect him.

Nobody believes that gold sword stuff.

Legends are dumb.

Aren't you guys the living legends?

Aren't you supposed to be cleaning a statue and not creeping on Chloe?

Touche, Mr. Franklin.

Touche.

Jerry, I misjudged you.

You'll be working with me as tour guide of this wing.

Milton, you'll be with the living legends.

Jerry, since when do you know things?

I mean, I still tie your shoes.

When it comes to getting a cute girl,

I'll do anything...

Even study history.

Oh, that reminds me. (Clears throat)

Tie it yourself, Jerry.

What? Fine.

I don't need your help.

I can tie my own shoe.

There, done.

Told you I could do it!

There you are.

You little glory stealer.

Yeah, oh, okay. So I picked up that wallet so I could be on TV.

(Laughs) So you admit it!

Well, now it's my turn to be on TV.

I hired an actress online to play an old woman with a Walker.

She will struggle across the courtyard

and I will heroically swoop in and carry her to her destination.

How do you know that don quinonas and his crew are even still here?

Let's just say a little birdie told me...

To let all the air out of their tires.

Oh, that must be her.

Oh, no.

This frail but sweet lady appears to need help.

I, Rudy Gillespie... selfless, single sensei...

will gladly help this wobbly Walker.

Hey, beat it, pal. She's mine.

Allow me to assist.

(Whispers) Get in my arms.

(Louder) I said, get in my arms.

Come here. Ow. Ow. Hey.

(Clatters)

Listen, you old biddy, I'm trying to pick you up.

Come here! Come here!

(Grunting)

I'd like to say my show brings out the best in people,

but today, our cameras caught the most heinous act of human cruelty ever.

Huh?

And... cut. (Chuckles)

That was great. We'll air it tonight.

No, don, this is a misunderstanding.

I'm looking for Rudy Gillespie.

The guy that hired a stunt granny so he could look good on TV.

You're late!

You made me look like a monster!

(Growling)

(Laughing)

Hey, what are you guys laughing about?

Something Jerry said.

You had to be there. (Laughing)

(Forced laughter)

But I wasn't.

Face it, Milton. She's not into you.

She's into me.

Oh, and I love hanging out with her.

She's smart, she loves museums, oh, and she's got the cutest little freckles.

She's like a version of you I can kiss.

Oh, kiss this!

Oh...

What did you two do?

That caveman skeleton is 75,000 years old.

Oh! What a relief.

At least we didn't break a new one.

This is his fault. He's pretending to care about history to get close to you.

What?!

At least I'm man enough to ask her out.

Oh, you don't think I'm man enough?

I'll ask her out right now.

Samurais have swords.

- Sharp, sharp, sharp... - That's it!

Both of you should leave.

I'm gonna be here all night trying to get this hand just right.

Oh, come on, Chloe.

You're not gonna be here all night.

It's just a hand.

Look, all you have to do is put the hand back...

(crumbling)

Yeah, you're gonna be here all night. (Clears throat)

I can't believe you got us fired from the museum.

- You ruin everything. - That is so not true.

At my last birthday, you mistook my grandma for a pinata.

No one was complaining when candy started dropping out of her.

I just realized Chloe is stuck in the museum cleaning up our mess.

I'm gonna text Sydney and he and I are gonna help her clean up.

Yeah, Sydney's never stabbed me in the back.

You know what, Milton?

If Chloe's the girl of your dreams...

Then as your friend, I respect that...

And I'll back off.

Wow, Jerry, that... that means a lot.

Thanks for understanding.

- Yeah, man. - Uh, where are you going?

To the museum to make the girl of your dreams my girlfriend.

- Whoo! - Gah!

And maybe I'll start with a salad.

See the attitude on her?

You know, you're shown on TV beating up one defenseless, old lady

and suddenly the whole world thinks you're a jerk.

Come on, Rudy, you're exaggerating.

I don't think I am.

At least she left off the dressing.

Uh, excuse me, waitress.

May I have some fresh pepper for my lap salad?

Little more.

Thank you.

Oh, there's the worst man in the world.

Quick, everyone, hide your grannies.

It was a man-granny I ordered online.

Making it worse, Rudy.

Apparently that's what I do.

(Laughing)

Look at him over there.

He ruins my life and then he just laughs at me.

I am so angry.

It's a good thing I've devoted my life to the study of martial arts.

Oh, great, so you're gonna tap into your chi and overcome your anger?

Something like that.

(Screaming)

(Crying)

Once we get the golden sword from hashindo's sarcophagus,

sell it for $80,000, and take out expenses,

how much do you think each of us will get?

(Stammers) Don't look at me.

Math is not really my thing.

How can math not be your thing?

You're Albert Einstein!

I got the gig because of my hair!

And you know that, Carl!

Oh, I can't believe it.

The living legends are just a bunch of thieves.

Both: And they've got my girlfriend.

Your girlfriend?

Yeah. Stop it. No, you stop it.

We need a plan.

Stop it!

(Chanting) We hate Rudy. We hate Rudy.

Uh, excuse me, ma'am. I'm sorry, we're closed.

It's me.

This is the only way I could get through that mob

of angry grannies after what I did to their friend Ethel.

Yeah, this is my life now, Jack.

Dinner at 4:00, bingo at 5:00, gotta watch the grandkids at 8:00.

And don't even ask me why, but I got a pocket full of butterscotch candies.

Oh... Here it is, Rudy, your new episode's on.

(Sighs) I can't watch this.

That's better.

Last night, we introduced you to Rudy Gillespie,

"the worst man in the world."

Well, guess what? On tonight's episode, he's back,

and what you're about to see will shock you.

Here we go.

My life is over.

(Screaming)

(Crying)

(Gasping)

A falafel ball went down the wrong pipe!

Rudy Gillespie just saved my life!

- She did? - I did?

He's a hero.

- She is?! - I am?!

America, Rudy punched my gut and touched my heart.

Did you see what I did, Jack?

I don't believe it!

I'm a hero!

Hey, Rudy, where are you going?

To tell those cane-wielding prune suckers that they owe me an apology.

No, wait, Rudy, you're forgetting... They couldn't have seen the new episode.

All: Get him!

They didn't see the episode!

(Groaning)

Hey!

We know why you're here.

You're nothing but a bunch of thieves.

Both: Yeah.

And horrible actors.

(Gasps)

That's it. Tie 'em up, guys.

I'll take the small chick.

This might not be the best time but who are you going to prom with?

Not a good time? All right, gotta go.

You can't see this, but that gag really makes your eyes pop.

I call the big dude next time.

Oh. (Giggles)

Yes, this is fantastisch.

Did... did anybody else see that?

I did.

The samurai warriors have come back to life.

It's the legend of hashindo's sword.

Really? You think I'm buying some absurd legend...

okay, I'm buying. I'm buying.

(Roars)

- Put back the sword, Carl! - No!

I'm not giving it back.

It's mine.

Fine, keep it.

Can someone explain what just happened?

We made them believe the legend was real.

(Muffled) No...

I made him believe the legend was real.

How did you produce that demonic roar?

The armor yanked out my only pit hair, but it was worth it.

Teddy, go call the cops.

What you did was incredible.

You saved me.

Both: Aw, it was really nothing.

Seriously, stop it.

There's something you two should know.

Oh, I know what it is.

In the beginning, you thought we were more trouble than we were worth

because we destroyed the caveman skeletons.

But when we came here, foiled a robbery, and saved you

and the museum, we totally redeemed ourselves.

No.

Sydney's my new boyfriend.

All: I did not see that coming.

Wha...?

- Wha...? - Wha...?

(Sighs)

Milton, dude, I'm sorry I tried to take your girl...

And for all the future girls I'm gonna try and take from you.

I'm sorry, too.

And don't worry, Chloe's not gonna have time for a date with Sydney, anyway.

She's not?

(Snaps, crumbles)

Both: Oh, Chloe!

Whoo!

Kickin' it with you!

The business you generate for the museum

as the new living legends will help pay for the damage you caused.

(Sighs)

(Chuckling) Nerds.

(Rings bell) I am Paul revere and the living legends are coming!

The living legends are coming...

To the Seaford museum of history.

(Gasps)

Are we done yet?

We've been doing this for four hours.

Yeah, and we have four more. So put your head back on.

Hyah!

(Yelps) That's it.

(Grunting)

Bad horsey, bad horsey, bad horsey!

(Theme music playing)

(Dog growls, barks)

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