Original subtitles

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You can do this, Milton. Push it!

(Straining)

That's... (Grunting)

Two!

(Exhales)

- Thanks for sharing, Tina. - You're welcome.

Ah!

Are you done, playing?

I've been waiting to use that bench for like an hour.

I don't know what's more depressing, watching you lift weights

or watching Jerry read.

(Groaning)

That's...

(Sighs) Two.

Whoo!

- Thanks for sharing, Tina. - You're welcome.

Hey, anyone want to guess how I made $100

in 15 minutes going "he-yup"?

He-nope!

100 bucks... I'm listening.

I bid on one of those abandoned storage units at an auction,

sold everything, and doubled my money.

But I held onto this classy treasure.

What's the big deal? It's just a donkey.

A jelly bean pooping donkey.

(Brays)

Jackpot!

That may be the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

Ahem!

What're you doing?

Clearing your stuff out of my locker.

Hair care products, zit cream, a picture of Kim with a well-worn lip area.

Give me that!

Why don't you go find your own locker?

No way! This is the biggest one in the dojo, and I was here first.

(Mockingly) Holy Christmas nuts!

Jack stole my locker. Gah!

Oh, you probably shouldn't have done that.

You know what? That is it! I am so done with you!

- I'm done with you! - Oh!

Rudy: All right! All right!

That is enough! Get up!

Look, you two have been at each other's throats for weeks.

I know exactly what you two need.

- Me too. Time apart. - Fine with me.

Actually, I was thinking of something a little different.

Road trip!

(Beeps)

Yup, nothing brings friends together like 16 hours crammed inside the back

of an old rv.

- This is all your fault. - My fault?

- How's it my fault? - You tried to steal...

Forgot the parking brake.

- Mine! Mine! - My locker first!

This is gonna be great! Great I tell you!

- (Rock music playing) - Don't you get all tough with me

I'm saying won't you come kick it with me?

and we could have a ball, run up the wall

- that's just how we do

- Come on

and no matter how much I chop and punch

it's not as cool as kickin' it with you

here we go, let's start the party

chop it up like it's karate

everybody

won't you come kick it with me?

and we could have a ball, run up the wall

- hey

- That's just how we do

- come on

- And no matter how much

I chop and punch

it's not as cool as kickin' it with you.

Sing this song, doodah doodah

Camptown racetrack five Miles long

Oh, the doodah day. take it!

Got to run all night

- Got to run all day

- Both: Rudy!

It has been eight hours.

I can't take anymore singing.

You know what you two need?

A little fresh country air.

(Wind rushes)

(Splattering)

Uh...

Oh, yeah, nothing like that fresh country air.

(Window closes)

Just four more hours and we're gonna be camping on the edge of the gorge.

Four hours? Rudy, I'm getting hungry.

And look, there's a waffle hut up ahead.

They only serve breakfast.

I don't do breakfast for dinner.

- Here we go! - My digestive system plays by the rules, Jack,

unlike you and your renegade bowels!

Okay, Milton, you pick a spot.

What about the garden patch up in parrump?

I've heard really good things about their pickled jicama.

Uh, I don't eat pickled jicama.

You know why? Because I'm a dude!

Oh, really? Tell that to your hair!

- What?! You're just jealous! - Yeah, you look like a girl!

So help me, if you keep this up, I will turn this rv around!

- Good! - Do it!

Oh-ho-ho. Oh, yeah. You'd like that, wouldn't you?

Well, I am not turning this rv around.

And we are going to have fun!

Camptown ladies sing this song

Doodah doodah

Camptown racetrack five Miles long

All the doodah day. take it.

I said take it!

Both: got to run all night

Got to run all day

I'll bet my... (Mumbling)

...bet on the bay.

All right, if we pool our money, we'll have enough to make a winning bid

on storage locker 258.

Why do we want 258?

(Whispering) Oh, unit 258 was owned by a sports memorabilia fanatic.

Now bidding on locker 258.

Let's start the bid at $50.

- Do I hear 50? - He-yup!

50, I got. Do I hear 75?

75, I got. Do I hear 100?

Cripes, someone's bidding against me.

What? Oh, just hang tough, Joan.

- You'll get it. - Mama's going to 100.

100, I got. Do I have 150?

150, I got. Do I hear 200.

- He-yup! - That's 250 to you, sir.

- Who, sir? - You, sir.

- Me, sir? - Yes, sir.

- No, sir! - Aah!

Going once, going twice, sold to the woman wrestling the boy to the ground.

Would have been nice to have stopped

at the supermarket since we didn't have lunch.

When you're out camping, nature is your supermarket.

Does anyone want another helping of gravel stew?

I'm good. Still trying to digest my pinecone calzone.

Jack: Rudy, come on.

- Can we just go home? - Let's go home.

I can't wait to be away from you.

- Oh, seriously?! - Yeah, you drive me nuts!

- Nag! That's all you do! - Enough!

I've had it with you two.

I am going to go into the rv

and get a good night's sleep. You two can stay out here.

Tomorrow morning we are going home.

- You happy? - Yeah, I kinda am.

It's kind of rocky out here.

It's called camping out, Jack.

Why don't you just man up and rough it like me?

(Air hissing)

What is that?

It's the latest in camping comfort, the "nature napper 5000."

It's made of a space-age polymer.

The salesman said it's 100% indestructible.

- (Pops) - (Air hissing)

(Shrieks)

I guess the salesman didn't have a sharp stick.

Gah!

Ow! What are you... ow!

Kickin' it with you!

Okay, Joan, when this locker makes us rich,

let's never lose sight of where we came from.

I hear that, brother. Don't worry.

I'll always just be Joan-y from the block.

Okay, here we go.

(Both squeal)

Nothing!

(Both squealing)

Nothing!

Oh, ah ah ah!

There's something in this one.

(Both squealing)

Aww, it's just another box.

What kind of sicko puts a box in a box?

Look, Jerry. This box says, "property of the New York Yankees."

(Fanfare plays)

(Both gasp)

Is that what I think it is?

Yep.

And look whose name's on it.

Both: Babe Ruth!

Babe Ruth! Babe Ruth!

Babe Ruth!

- Babe... - Who's babe Ruth?

Oh my!

This is 100% authentic.

You don't see this kind of craftsmanship today.

It's so beautiful.

Hear that, Joan?

We're the proud owners of babe Ruth's jockstrap.

It's not just any jock. It's his lucky jock.

Lucky jock? Really?

He went from a chunky vacuum salesman

to a baseball legend the day he slipped on

that glorious guardian of the nether regions.

Hmm, so how many hundies for the undies?

My jock museum will pay $50,000 for it.

I'll be back tomorrow with the money.

50...

(Stutters) $50,000?

Jerry.

Don't worry.

I got you, Joan.

(Honking loudly)

You have got to stop doing that!

You kept me up all night.

You think I like this?

Do you know how many kids suffer in silence

from the heartbreak of honking rhinitosis?

There is nothing silent about it.

Well, maybe the great outdoors isn't big enough for the two of us.

Come on, Rudy! Let's go home!

Yeah, Rudy, it's time to get out of here!

I can't believe I was ever friends with someone like you.

You're nothing more than a troglodyte.

Both: Oh, no no no. Rudy!

Milton: No, Rudy!

- No no no. - No no.

(Crashing)

Rudy: There must be some real food around here somewhere.

Nothing. Nothing.

Skunk butt.

Nothing.

Skunk butt?

- (Chirps, sprays) - (Screams)

(Coughs)

Rudy, don't move.

I got skunk in the mouth.

Rudy, you have a bigger problem than skunk mouth.

Oh, nothing can be worse than... aah!

It's worse. It's so much worse!

That guy from the jock museum was right about the babe's jock being lucky.

When he forks over that $50,000, it'll be our lucky day.

Lucky jock... (Laughs)

(Cellphone rings)

Hello? Jeanie.

Oh no, yeah, I'd love to come to your party with all your sisters.

No, it wouldn't be weird at all that I'm the only guy there.

The legend is true.

(Swing music playing)

(Beeps)

There you are, you little thief.

What kind of jerk jacks a jock?

Joan Joan Joan.

Look, the legend is true. This thing is really lucky.

Oh, please, I'm putting it back in its case where it belongs.

(Cellphone rings)

Hello. Oh, hi, Donnie.

Yeah, I'd love to have dinner at the fire house with all the firemen.

No, it wouldn't be weird at all that I'm the only girl!

(Swing music playing)

I called the park rangers, but they can't get here for another half-hour.

Forget that. I'm going to slowly walk to the back of the rv.

- (Creaking) - Okay! Not walking!

Not walking!

It's too unstable, we can't wait.

I got an idea.

I'll run five Miles down to the interstate,

flag down an 18-Wheeler. He'll back up here.

We hook it up to the rv. We pull Rudy to safety.

That's my Jack, always there when I need you.

By the time you get back, Rudy'll be splattered

all over the bottom of the canyon.

Worst plan ever, Jack!

Never there when I need you!

With all that stuff you packed, why didn't you bother to pack a rope

instead of the stupid "nature napper"?

Well, that's it. The nature napper!

What are we gonna do? Patch it, inflate it, put it an the bottom of the canyon

so Rudy has something nice and soft to land on?

Finally, a plan that'll work!

No, the nature napper is made from really strong rubber.

We can cut it into strips and make a rope out of it.

Is that the same rubber that Jack popped when he poked it with his stick?

Fine, Rudy. What's your idea?

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe let's just take a minute.

We'll use our heads and come up with a better plan.

We're going nature napper!

Both: All right, let's go!

- (Light switch clicks) - (Screams)

Where have you been, Joan?

- Nowhere. - Don't lie to me, sister.

We both know you've been out there

living la vida lucky with a dead man's jock.

So what if I was?! It's half mine!

And it's half mine.

And I've decided I don't want to sell it.

Well, I don't want to sell it either.

That thing changed my life!

Oh, good. Well, then we'll keep it.

Now if you hand it over, I need it for a science test tomorrow

that I plan to not study for.

But I entered myself in a beauty pageant tomorrow

where I shall be named the most beautiful teenage girl in all of seaford.

What? That kind of miracle would squeeze every last drop of luck out of it.

Please! You said you were gonna use it to pass a science test.

Give me that.

(Mocks) Oh, give me that.

Oh, I'm Jerry. I really want the jock.

- Don't... - (Babbles)

- (Growls) - (Screams)

(Cloth rips)

Excuse me.

Both: Hello.

I'm here with your money.

Uh, babe's jock, where is it?

Uh...

It was great doing business with you.

Thank you so much.

Oh, no no no no.

Deal's off!

(Sobs)

You've ruined it!

(Cries)

I can't believe it.

We don't have the money. We don't have the jock.

We don't have anything.

Oh, no, you're wrong, Jerry.

We have something that they can never take away from us.

Our friendship?

Forget that.

My jelly bean pooping donkey.

(Donkey brays)

- (Distorted braying) - Uh, Joan,

that doesn't sound too good.

(Electrical zapping)

Oh, get down. That thing's gonna blow!

Hang on, Rudy. We're almost there.

All right, Jack, I'm lowering you down nice and easy.

Just let me know when you're there.

I'm there.

Whoa!

All right, Rudy, give me your hand.

I can't reach, Jack.

Rudy, you're gonna have to jump.

I can't do it, Jack. I'm scared.

Rudy, it's Jack.

If there's anybody you should trust, it's him.

Easy for you to say, Mr. Not-hanging-over-a-gorge.

- (Rv creaks) - Rudy, it's going! Jump!

Oh, great, there goes that deposit.

- (Creaking) - What was that?

The branch... It's breaking!

(Screams)

Oh! No!

Rudy!

Jack!

Why?

My best friend and incompetent sensei are gone.

No, we're not gone. We're here.

I know, but you're angels now.

Oh, Jack. Why, Jack?

You were so brave, loyal and trustworthy,

like a golden retriever with better hair.

Milton.

Jack!

You're alive!

Hello, I'm here too.

Oh, Rudy!

Look, Jack's alive!

Hey... Oh.

How'd you make it?

Well, we made it when the rope slammed us into the side of the canyon

and we grabbed some roots and climbed our way out.

Those are some pretty nice things you said about me, Milton.

Well, when I thought I had lost you, I felt like I had a hole in my heart

the size of this canyon.

How'd you feel when you thought you lost me?

I was very torn up.

Jack, you're like a brother to me.

And just because brothers fight

doesn't mean they don't care about each other.

I told you two this road trip would bring you together.

There's just one thing I feel bad about.

My little skunk friend didn't make it.

Hopefully he's in a better place

and his soul will live forever in this canyon.

Guys? Guys, why are you running?

- (Skunk chirps) - Oh. Oh, no!

I'm glad we decided to stay the night.

I can't believe you caught all this delicious salmon.

Didn't catch it. No no no.

I went down to the stream, and the friendliest grizzly bear

was just slapping fish up onto the shore.

Yeah, I just grabbed a couple, said thank you,

and he growled this big, hearty, "you're welcome."

(Bear growling)

Yeah, it sounded just like that.

Is that the bear?

(Growling)

(Whispering) We should probably get out of here.

- (Growling, huffing) - Jack? Milton?

(Bear growling)

You should know that I am a black belt in karate.

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