Original subtitles

Synced and corrected by: Katniss Everdeen www.addic7ed.com

Hey, Rudy.

What are you doing?

Oh, just cutting expenses by timing everyone's shower.

Jack has exactly five seconds of hot water left.

Three, two, and... (Jack screams)

(Laughs)

I love the sound of saving money.

Again with the hot water, Rudy?

I know it costs more to run this place

than you expected, but these temperature fluctuations are giving me split ends.

Do you want to live in a world where I have split ends?

Oh, yo, Milton.

Your ex-girlfriend Julie's out in the courtyard.

You gonna try and win her back again?

Uh, yeah.

I'm gonna show her the new Milton... is a man.

Does the new man Milton know he has toilet paper on his shoe?

He does now.

Milton, you look so... cool? Yeah, daddy made some changes.

(Glasses shatter)

Friday night, you and me... are going out. And you're gonna get

all up in... this.

This is my new boyfriend Dan.

Oh.

Nice to meet you.

Taking Julie to Matt Dorsey's senior party on Friday night.

Dude, that's the biggest party of the year.

And we're going in Dan's car.

Because he's a man.

Who drives a car.

Unfortunately for you, I don't date boys anymore.

Well... as a matter of fact, Jerry and I are going to that party in a car.

Hmm?

Oh, please.

You may have a license, but you don't have anything to drive.

(Scoffs)

Jerry, can you get us an automobile?

Dude, I can't even get us a car.

- (Rock music playing) - don't you get all tough with me

I'm saying won't you come kick it with me?

and we could have a ball, run up the wall

that's just how we do

and no matter how much I chop and punch

it's not as cool as kickin' it with you

here we go, let's start the party

chop it up like it's karate

everybody won't you come kick it with me?

and we could have a ball, run up the wall

that's just how we do

and no matter how much I chop and punch

it's not as cool as kickin' it with you.

Hey, nurse Kippler, rocking the blue station wagon.

Hey, Matt's having a party Friday night and Milton and I would love to borrow...

You're the nurse. You're supposed to help people.

Whoa. Check out that ride.

Oh, that's my dad. I forgot my lunch.

Thanks, dad.

Jerry, I think we should just give up.

We're never gonna find a car.

Dude, let's take your dad's car to the party.

Jerry, he only lets me drive it if he's in... ohh. (Chuckles)

You... you are a bad influence, but all right. We'll take my dad to the party.

What? No. No no no no.

We borrow the car.

Just without him in it.

Are you kidding?

If anything happened to that car, I'd be grounded for the rest of my life.

That's a risk I'm willing to take.

Look, we'll have it back before he even knows it's gone.

- (School bell rings) - What kind of a boy do you think I am?

The kind of boy who wants his girl to know he's a man.

I'll pick you up at 6:00.

All right. Whoo!

Come on. Hit the dummy.

Here at the warrior academy, we are men.

So let me hear you unleash your inner beast!

Flap your arms, flap your wings, float like a butterfly.

Flap your arms, flap your wings, float like a butterfly.

No, no, guys.

Come on, you can't just take your beast and go home.

Oh, good job, girls.

And now let's return to our cooldown cocoons.

Ow! What are you doing, Jack?

You don't just grab a guy mid-cocoon.

What are you doing to our dojo?

What? We needed more money, so I found a new type of customer.

You've turned the dojo into a mom gym.

What? That's not true.

Lois is a grandmother, and charlene wants kids

but her husband wants to wait so they can travel.

Rudy!

What has happened to you?

What has happened to you?

You used to appreciate all the little things that I do.

Did you even notice the lavender sachet I hung up in the Bo staff closet?

Jack, you have got to help me.

This is the warrior academy.

This place should be filled with warriors.

You're right. I am the sensei of the warrior academy

and it is high time that I man up.

- (Dings) - Ooh!

My cranberry scones are ready.

(Deep voice) I mean, my man-Berry scones are ready.

Hey, come on and no matter how much I chop and punch

it's not as cool as kickin' it with you!

Yo, what are we doing? Why are we stopping?

So I can squeegee off that mosquito that went splat on the windshield.

Dude, you drive two Miles an hour.

That mosquito didn't go splat.

He landed on the windshield and died of boredom.

Look, I have to keep this car clean.

The only reason my dad let me borrow it

is because I told him I was going to the library.

Oh, yeah.

I told my mom I was going to the library too.

You think she bought that?

I don't know. She was still laughing when I left.

So, gentlemen, welcome to the wasabi warrior academy.

This is a wall to wall combat training center.

(Inhales)

You can smell the sweat in the air.

It kind of smells like biscuits.

They're called scones.

Why would we leave muscle universe to come to this gym?

I've never even heard of anybody that works out here.

Oh, really?

I suppose you've never heard of... Arnold schwarzenrudy.

Who's he?

Yeah, Rudy. Who's he?

("Thus spake zarathustra" playing)

(Austrian accent) Yeah, I'm Rudy's cousin, Arnold schwarzenrudy.

Look at me. I'm so very huge.

He's the strongest man I've ever known.

I once saw him bench press a thousand pounds

while he was bench pressing a man who was bench pressing a thousand pounds.

Yeah, I don't think this is the place for you.

This is where real men work out.

Not a scrawny little wimpy malike yn.

Ha! I think I'm in pretty good shape.

(Laughing)

That's a good one!

Yeah.

Oh, you call those obliques?

I call them "oh, please."

You call those abs?

I call them "flabs."

You call those triceps?

I call them... "Not good triceps."

Wow, you're right.

Compared to you, I'm a mess.

Boys, we're training here.

(Cheering)

Great. Welcome.

(Screams)

Is what I would be saying if your squeezing my hand actually hurt,

but it doesn't.

Because I'm huge.

Aah! No. No more handshakes.

Let's just fist bump.

(Screams)

(Gasping)

That toilet was absolutely heinous.

It smelled like it had been used by a hundred truckers

with serious digestive problems.

Huh.

Smelled fine when I went in.

Dude?

Isn't this where you parked the car?

This is exactly where I park...

Oh, my dad's car was stolen.

(Gasps)

No!

Look at me. Look, I know this looks bad, okay?

But you need to calm down.

Oh, no.

My Cherry-Berry lip balm was in the car.

(Gasps)

No!

Well, I guess there's nothing left to do but call my dad and tell him

I never went to the library and that I got his car stolen.

I mean, yeah. I guess that's the right thing to do, right?

- Yeah. - Have him drive out here and pick us up.

And because you two will have a lot to talk about,

you can go ahead and drop me off at Matt Dorsey's party.

Then a couple hours later once you guys have cooled down,

you can swing by, pick me up somewhere around elevenish.

- Jerry. - Okay.

You're not going to the party.

Right, right.

Gah!

I left my phone in the car.

Could this get any worse?!

Oh yeah, without a car, you can't get Julie back.

Thanks, Jerry.

Now give me your phone.

All right.

Wait, you have a GPS locater app too.

- Yeah. - We can use this to track my phone and find the car. - Oh, sweet.

Oh, it says it's four Miles from here at Fairmont Avenue and Clark street.

What are you guys doing here?

Yeah. Gas stations are for people who have cars.

We had a car. It got stolen from us.

Yeah.

Hey, kind of like you stole Julie from Milton.

Yeah, I did. Up top!

(Chuckles) Oh, yeah!

Thanks for that, Jerry.

Look, we need a ride so we can get my car back.

I'm not giving you losers a ride.

Listen to me, you king-sized piece of arm candy.

You are going to get in that car and drive us over to Fairmont and Clark.

But first, I'm gonna go inside and get myself a drink!

Maybe some corn doodlers.

Does anybody else want anything?!

Good!

(Men grunting)

Dude, you've been hogging this bench for an hour.

You're gonna have to let someone else use the weights.

You gotta find something else to lift.

No problem.

- (Grunts) - (Screaming)

(Laughing)

Thanks for giving us a second chance.

Now you'll see the warrior academy for what it really is.

(Shouts)

(Screams)

(Shouts)

Rudy, what is going on?

These guys are taking over, Jack.

These meatheads are multiplying like rabbits.

Big, loud, grunting, oily rabbits.

Hey, Rudy.

Rack this for me.

I'm kind of in the middle of something.

(Grunts)

Aah.

(Crashing)

Hey, big guy.

Could I talk to you for a minute?

Look, this workout facility is for everybody.

That's why... we have this code of conduct on the wall.

Oh, I'm sorry, Jack.

I didn't see it.

Oh, it's perfectly understandable.

It's the easiest thing to miss.

(Shouts)

(Yells)

- (Cheering) - (Shouts)

We gotta strip this baby fast.

The boss is sending a guy named Nicky over for the parts.

I've heard of these places.

They break down your car into parts.

They're called chop shops.

(Giggles)

Hey, that's kind of fun to say.

Chop shop. Chop shop. Chop shop.

Would you please stop saying "chop shop"?

Milton, what's the plan?

Maybe Nicky should answer that.

(Brooklyn accent) Hey, I'm Nicky.

I'm the guy your boss sent over to pick up the car.

We haven't even broken it down yet.

Oh, it's okay.

He told me to come on down to the shop and stop the chop... pop.

See, he's giving this car to his wife to surprise her for her birthday.

The boss doesn't have a wife.

That's what makes it a surprise.

Ooh.

We just lifted this one.

So you're gonna have to hot wire it to get it started.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's what I'll do.

The old hot wire.

(Chuckles)

I'm just gonna pop the hood.

Now I'm going to pop the hood.

- (Horn honks) - (Grunts)

Yo, Milton. You okay?

- Jerry! - Oh, sorry.

Yo, Nicky, you all right?

You're not Nicky.

Guys.

(Grunting)

No, not the car!

Aw, man.

(Grunting)

Dan, help me!

- (Grunts) - (Mechanical whirring)

Whoa! (Screams)

Jerry, call the cops.

(Blows)

On it.

Milton, I've never seenm thly side of you before.

Well, it's... it's always been here.

You just couldn't see it 'cause I didn't have a car.

I was really wrong about you.

You do have a car.

You think that we could go to that party together?

(Sighs)

(Sighs)

Unfortunately for you, I don't date girls anymore.

I mean, I date women.

(Sighs)

Is it over?

There's your date.

You should go.

Yo, we got the car back. We should go.

No.

We didn't come this far just to go home.

We're gonna go to that party, and you know what?

We're gonna look cool doing it.

- All right. - Yeah.

Kickin' it with you!

Uh, excuse me?

Who washed their dog in the shower?

No, man. That's all me.

Had to shave the pecs and pits for a pose-off.

(Gags)

He made me get the hard to reach places.

Rudy, we can't live like this anymore.

They won't listen to us.

There is one person they might listen to.

(Austrian accent) All right, all right.

Listen up, apes.

Yeah.

It takes a big man to lift 700 pounds.

But it takes an even bigger man to clean up after himself

and show people respect.

Look, this is our gym now.

We don't have to listen to you, your cousin, or anybody else.

Oh, yeah?

Well maybe you'll listen to my muscles.

(Grunts)

- (Balloon pops) - Ohh.

I just popped a glute. It's perfectly normal.

(Air hissing)

Rudy, what is happening?

I sprung a leak.

Uh, you're getting smaller, dude.

No. No, I'm not.

Now you're getting bigger.

No. Just pumping up.

Must I remind you I'm huge?

Rudy, I broke the handle.

I can't turn it off.

Ah. Ah.

(Stammers)

I'm getting too huge!

(Grunts)

Hey, it's just that guy, Rudy.

(Grunts)

Listen, little man.

We're gonna do what we want.

Hey, take your hands off of him.

What are you gonna do?

(Grunting)

(Shouts)

Oh, no! What are you crazy or something?

Are you gonna play nice and start acting like a human being?

Yes! Yes!

(Crying)

What's wrong with you, man?

You hurt my arm, and my feelings.

How did you learn to do that?

I study martial arts.

And the first thing you learn is what's more important than strength

is respect for other people.

(Austrian accent) Yeah, the boy's right.

(Normal voice) Sorry, I was still in character.

If you guys want to stay here, you're gonna have to follow the rules.

This place is more to you guys than a gym, isn't it?

Yeah.

It's our home.

All right. Focus, breathe, and kick.

- All: Hyah! - Hyah.

Hey, way to get your leg up, mongo.

Has anyone seen Titus?

Titus and Rudy: Flap your arms, flap your wings, float like a butterfly.

(Laughing)

- (Dings) - Hey, Rudy, your scones are ready.

No. Our scones.

Ooh!

(Rock music playing)

(Dance music playing)

(Crowd chattering)

Wow, krupnick.

Killer ride.

I see you know how to show up to my party in style.

Sorry we're late, Matt.

We got this mustang out on the open range, and he wanted to do what mustangs do.

Run wild.

Oh, right.

Gina.

I've got my cherry-Berry lip balm.

It makes my lips taste like cherry, and Berry, and bomb.

Let's get this party thumping!

(Cheering)

Jerry, Milton, I'm glad you guys are here.

Ooh!

That's right. You heard him.

He's glad we're here.

That's because we're men now, Jerry.

Tonight was a night that changed our lives.

From this day forward, we fear nothing.

(Cellphone ringing)

Gah!

My dad's gonna stop by the library to bring me a study snack.

- (Both scream) - We've got to get the car back.

Go go go go!

It was really nice of your sister to let us use her bike.

Yeah, she said I could use it as long as I took care of it.

(Grunts)

(Crashing)

Where have you guys been?

I have some honeys I want to introduce you to.

(Chuckles)

Ohh.

Well, if you got the honeys, then here come the queen bees.

King bees.

We're king bees, dude.

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