Original subtitles

Subs created by: David Coleman.

[Applause]

Okay, Pete Marcus goes to Sandy Bilbo.

Remember, every dollar earned today at the It's A Date Auction,

goes to buying our marching band instruments.

Because a marching band without instruments is just some kids,

stomping around a football field like a bunch of dopes.

Yo, to win an auction, you gotta play it smooth.

Let the other bidders make the first move.

Up next is Carol Thompson.

$50!

Ooh, okay. Uh, who will give me 60?

75.

Smooth, Jerry. Smooth.

Sold to Jerry Martinez for $75.

And that brings us to Kim Crawford.

This black belt beauty is what you saved your lunch money for, people.

[Cheering]

Yeah!

Milton, I don't know if I can do this.

This is kind of embarrassing. It's not really my thing. I don't...

[Dance music playing]

Okay.

Well, you are a shy little thing, aren't you?

Do I hear 50?

Yes, you do, you do, you really do.

Albert, President of the Mathletes with the first bid. Do I hear 60?

Nicholas, Captain of the football team.

Do I hear 70?

- 70. - 80?

90?

Do I hear $100?

- Oh. - $200!

Whaa.

Going once, going twice...

Keep going, keep going.

Sold for a record breaking $200 to Albert.

Carol, I've been saving for weeks.

You're the only girl for me.

Up next is Sue Lin.

$100!

[Rock music playing]

- Don't... - Don't...

- You... - You...

Get all tough with me!

I'm saying...

- Won't... - Won't...

- You... - You...

Come kick it with me?

And we could have a ball, run up the wall!

- That's just how we do. - Come on!

And no matter how much I chop and punch it's not as cool as kickin' it with you.

Here we go, let's start the party!

Chop it up like it's karate.

Everybody!

- Don't... - Don't...

- You... - You...

Get all tough with me!

I'm saying...

- Won't... - Won't...

- You... - You...

Come kick it with me?

And we could have a ball, run up the wall!

- That's just how we do. - Come on!

And no matter how much I chop and punch it's not as cool as kickin' it with you.

I know it's for a good cause but,

I can't believe I'm gonna have to go on a date with Albert.

Here's a little trick.

If you need to end a date with a nerd early, lean in, blow in his ear.

[Blows]

He'll faint. You run.

Uh, hey, Kim?

Uh, you're not gonna have to go on the date with Albert.

Yeah, I am. He had the highest bid.

Well, he did the bidding, but it wasn't for himself.

It was for me.

What? Really, why?

I don't know, I guess...

The thought of you going out with some other guy...

To be honest, it kind of bothered me.

What are you saying, Jack?

I'm saying that maybe we should go on a...

An outing?

We could definitely do an outing.

- An outing. - An outing. Yeah.

So, uh, why didn't you just bid on me yourself?

I don't know. I just...

I thought it would weird our friends out.

Yeah, you're right. The minute they find out we're going on an actual...

Date, they'll treat us differently.

- So we'll keep it to ourselves? - Absolutely.

Albert: Kim!

Kim! Kim!

[Panting]

Albert, what are you doing here?

Kim, I'm glad I caught you.

Give me a second. Woo!

Oh, I just ran all the way from Phil's.

Jack, forget our agreement.

I realize that I too have feelings for Kim and I'm gonna take her on a date.

- Uh, Albert, I... - Jack, I got this.

Our date will begin with a romantic carriage ride through the park...

Where, you know, we'll hold hands and...

- [Blows] - Nerd down.

So, Sam, did you decide what you're gonna do for the school Talent Show?

Yep. Piano.

It's pronounced karate.

It's a good choice.

But they have this great piano there, Rudy.

I could program like 10 different instruments on it.

I think I can win.

Please. Nobody likes music.

Karate's how you win a Talent Show.

And I would have won mine if I didn't get a raging case of donkey pox.

Donkey pox?

Yeah, it's like chicken pox but phlegmier.

Rudy: I had to be in the bubble because I was contagious.

But everything was going fine until my regulator malfunctioned.

[Clangs]

[Hisses]

[Pops]

Rudy: Of course, the sneeze didn't help.

[Sneezes]

Now, I lost, but the great thing about raising kids is

you can force them to achieve the goals you could not.

That's just good parenting.

Hey, Kim.

I got us a reservation at Portaccini's.

That's impossible.

Tomorrow night, 7:30, table by the fountain.

This is gonna be perfect. I even made you a little something.

But remember we're not saying a word about this to anyone.

Right.

- Okay. - Okay.

[Girl chattering on phone]

Uh-huh.

Really?

You don't say.

[Exhales]

That was Carol Thompson. Clingy.

Kim, I can't stand clingy girls.

I'm sorry things with Carol didn't work out but,

I'm sure the right person is even closer than you think.

[Chatter continues]

Uh, Kim, you dropped this.

J plus K?

No way.

Wait, is this you and Jack? You guys are together?

No. No no no no. It's not Jack.

It's a different "J" person.

Wait a minute.

Jerry's a "J" person.

Is this "J" me?

Uh...

- Yes. - [Gasps]

Yes, it is.

Ah!

It makes so much sense now. The right person is closer than you think.

Tomorrow night we're going on our first date.

- Uh, you know, Jerry, I... - Shh shh shh shh shh shh.

You're gonna see the soft, sensitive side of Jerry Martinez.

Just hang on.

- [Chatter continues] - It's over, Carol. You're out!

[Groans]

It's not as cool as kickin' it with you.

Okay, lesson one, defense.

Now I'm gonna swing this focus pad at you and you're gonna duck under it.

Ready?

You have to duck.

- Oh, all right. - Okay? Let's try it again.

- You know, I think I see the problem. - I'm not very good at karate?

That, and you have the reflexes of a wall.

But that's okay. Let me show you.

I'm gonna say ready, you swing, I'll duck.

Now, you're not gonna be able to hit me because I'm a Sensei

and I have what some people call super ninja reflexes.

[Grunts]

That's perfect.

You know, I've never actually bought a corsage before.

I'm pretty excited. It's for my new girlfr...

Person.

Hey, Jack. What you got in the box?

Uh, it's my uh...

Bird.

Bucky.

Why is your bird in a box?

Well, my bird is in a...

Box because it's...

Dead. I mean...

Dead.

I am so sorry.

- Come on. Bring it in, you. - No, thanks.

[Exhales]

Okay, you know...

Thank you, Milton, but I'm grieving, so I should probably be alone right now.

You're wrong, Jack. A funeral service is exactly what you need.

That's why I'm arranging one here at the dojo tomorrow.

Ah, I don't know, man.

Bucky was a very private bird.

Trust me, Jack.

I didn't get to say a proper good-bye to my goldfish.

There are some days I just can't even get out of bed.

I'm sorry, man. When did that happen?

Nine years ago.

Wow. Kim, you look amazing.

Thanks. You do too.

This was supposed to be our romantic date at Portaccini's.

Yeah, instead I'm going to a funeral for a bird that doesn't exist.

I'm going on a date with Jerry who unfortunately does exist.

Let's get our grieve on, Jack.

Kim, you're not gonna believe this. I got us a table at Portaccini's.

Some poor dude had to cancel.

You know, I can't say I'm surprised you wanted to date me, Kim.

See, the thing about me is I'm all cool on the outside,

but on the inside I'm en fuego.

You know, I think that's why I suffer from extreme fevers.

You know my doctor...

[Jerry's voice] Oh, I can't stand clingy girls.

[Echoing] Clingy girls...

- He said it was a mixture of like... - Yeah yeah. That's great. Whatever.

Listen, now that we're dating, there's gonna be some changes.

Changes?

This Saturday, instead of going to your cousin Chewy's birthday,

we're gonna go shopping for skirts.

But I don't wear skirts.

And on Sunday, we're gonna go to the craft store.

They have an all day candle making class for couples.

That is so not en fuego.

I have to go to the bathroom.

I'm gonna miss you so much.

[Cellphone ringing]

Hello?

Kim: Hey, Sweetie. It's me.

Kim, are you calling me from the bathroom?

Uh-huh.

[Flushing]

When I come back, I'm never letting you out of my sight.

We're gonna go shopping...

[Burbling]

It's not as cool as kickin' it with you!

That was Donna Meikin playing Chinese checkers with her poodle.

Who lost?

All of us who had to watch it.

Next up is Sam who's gonna kick things into high gear with a little karate!

- [Fabric rips] - [Yelps]

Oh, I hope that ripping sound was my pants.

[Rock music playing]

Come on, Sam. Remember what I taught you.

Boo!

[Audience booing]

Hey, come on, come on. He's trying.

Boo!

Oh. Oh, really?

Amazing Wally, your magic act stunk.

The only thing you made disappear was my will to live.

Your loss has left us in a lurch.

We stare now at an empty perch.

So sad are we that you are gone.

If only you had known the fan was on.

- Oh, death! Thy sting... - Okay, thank you. Thank you.

Jack, why don't you come up and say something?

- Uh, no no. I'm good. Thank you. - No, come on.

Say something.

Bye bye, birdie.

Thank you all for coming.

Oh, no. This was just the memorial.

Now we take the four mile funeral march up to Mount Seaford for the graveside service.

And then down to the skating arena for the musical tribute Bucky's life on ice.

[Sobs]

I wish it was me in the box.

It should have been me.

It's not as cool as kickin' it with you!

What a night.

Portaccini's for dinner, a walk through the park, and...

The night ends here at our place.

So I was thinking tomorrow we'd go to the lake in Eisenhower Park and rent one

of those swan paddled boats and just float for hours and hours and hours!

We gotta talk.

Uh, going out with you has been...

Go ahead. I can take it.

The greatest thing that ever happened to me.

Oh, it hurts! But they say time heals all...

What now?

Ever since word got out that you and I are seeing each other,

every girl in the school is interested in me.

But I'm so overbearing and clingy.

And extremely annoying.

Plus, I don't know if anybody's told you this,

but you have this weird waddle walk you do.

But I don't care about all that.

What I care about is I'm rejecting girls

that have been rejecting me since I started school.

Because of you, Kim, I'm in a whole new league.

Hey.

So... we're not breaking up?

Not for a long time.

[Sobbing]

Well, if it isn't Heather Donnelly.

The girl that was too good to talk to me in kindergarten.

Should have put a ring on it, Heather!

[Sobs]

This could have been you.

[Sobbing continues]

There you are!

Still recovering from the trip up Mount Seaford?

Oh, yeah. The important thing is that it's all over.

Not quite. You just need to be open to loving again.

That's why after my goldfish died, my dad got me Leonard.

[Caws]

And now, I'm giving him to you.

Come on, man. I don't know anything about birds.

Except for Lucky.

- Bucky. - Bucky.

It's really simple.

Just sing him a few songs, pluck his dead feathers,

and most importantly, remember to change his diaper.

Did you say change his diaper?

Change me.

- What? - Change me.

- Dude, I'm not changing your dia... - I said change me!

Okay!

Okay.

Kickin' it with you!

Let's just go. I was horrible, and everyone was booing me.

Aw, come on, Sam. Not everyone was booing you.

Some people were sleeping. Others were running for the exits.

I wish I could have just gone out and played the piano.

I only did karate because you wanted me to.

Well, Sam, wait.

I'm sorry.

I tried to use your Talent Show to make up for my own.

But that stops now.

All right. The show is not over.

Today I forced Sam to do karate when what he really wanted to do was play the piano.

Boo!

So help me, Wally, I will you kick you where your doves hide!

Now...

On the piano, my main man Sam.

[Playing dramatic song]

[Beeping]

[Pop music playing]

[Cheering]

Sam, I am so proud of you. You were amazing.

We have a winner.

I won! I won!

I mean, he won, he won.

Kickin' it with you!

Hey. I got us a table at Portaccini's, but we only have 40 minutes.

Okay, let's go.

Oh, hey, guys. Where you going?

Yeah. And why are you all dressed up?

Well, I am dressed up...

Because I am going to see the new play!

At the place where people act.

Oh, you mean that 12 hour Shakespeare Marathon down at the Palladium?

I am so in!

Great. So that's really gonna happen now.

All right, Kim, let's go look for some cheerleaders for me to reject.

And please, watch your waddle.

You know what, that's it. I'm done.

Me too.

The truth is, we were going on a date last night,

but we wanted to keep it a secret from everyone.

So we made up a little lie, and it kind of blew up in our faces.

What do you mean?

Well, for starters, that box we buried, it wasn't a dead bird.

It was a corsage for Kim.

And Jerry, that bracelet with the J plus K on it, the "J" was for Jack.

Wait.

So you never really wanted to date me?

Don't take this the wrong way, but absolutely not.

Tell you what, how about tomorrow at school you break up with me in front

of the entire cheer leading squad and I'll take it really really hard?

Oh, that'd be great, Kim.

You're the best fake ex-girlfriend a guy could ever have.

Milton, I'm sorry, man.

Don't worry. It kind of worked out for me.

I have been trying to get rid of that,

feathered flying poop machine since the day I got him.

Have fun on your date.

[Chuckles]

This is for you.

[Both chuckle]

I had to hike up the side of a mountain to bury your corsage.

And I had to pretend to be Jerry's crazy girlfriend.

All this just so we can go on a date.

You know what?

You're worth it.

Kickin' it with you!

- So how's your Manicotti? - Really good. How's your Rigatoni?

It's nice.

[Squawks]

Change my diaper.

- Just ignore him. - Change my diaper.

No, you don't understand. I have to.

- No, you don't. - I said change me!

Go go go!

[Humming a tune]

Hey, Kim.

Dining alone?

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