Original subtitles

Subs created by: David Coleman.

All right, to hang your picture properly, we gotta find the support beam.

This stud finder will show me where it is.

- [Device beeps] - Ah, those things don't work.

You gotta do it the old-fashioned way.

Jer...

- Found it! - Give me that!

[Both chuckle]

I'm proud of you, man. Look at you. Your first tournament ribbon.

I know man, couldn't have done it without you.

- Ah. - Your support...

Your friendship, your jock strap.

You used my jock...

Just keep it.

Hey, have you guys heard that dumb Black Dragon radio jingle?

- Oh... - Oh. That thing's catchy, yo.

We're the best, don't mind bragging, so come and be...

[High-pitched] A Black Dragon!

[High-pitched vocalizing]

Don't hate me for making it my own.

Hey, Jerry, that thing you're watching from the Seaford Animal Park,

is making a weird sound.

He's probably hungry. I should go feed him.

[Animal chatters]

Hey, little buddy.

Aw, what a little cutie!

What is it?

It's a Peruvian Bush ferret.

We gotta keep him separated because these wiry little fellas,

can get really wound up around the females.

Ah, I hear that.

I mean, the poor thing.

You know, Grandmaster Po, it's great that you're

helping the monastery find a home for this little guy.

Thank you. You know...

Well, the truth is I'm helping you help the monastery help the boy,

which means you couldn't help anyone if I wasn't helping you.

You're watching him for two days. Get over it.

Be good, Sam.

Don't worry about me, Grandmaster.

I'm sure I'll enjoy my time here at the dojo with my new friends.

And you can count on me, Grandmaster. Won't let him out of my sight.

Alright, somebody watch this kid I'm hitting

the lunch buffet at the bowling alley.

Hi, little man. I'm Kim, and this is...

Save it, blondie. I'm gonna need a car with enough gas to get to Vegas.

Listen, why don't we just go to the food court and get you a pretzel?

Won't you be busy calling your mommy?

- Why would I be calling my... - [Smashes foot]

[Shouting] Mommy?!

Gah!

I got this.

[Ferret chirps]

Hey, buddy. Do you wanna help me feed my ferret?

Whoa, I've never fed a ferret before.

[Screaming]

Help me! Help me!

[Rock music playing]

- Don't... - Don't...

- You... - You...

Get all tough with me!

I'm saying...

- Won't... - Won't...

- You... - You...

Come kick it with me?

And we could have a ball, run up the wall!

- That's just how we do. - Come on!

And no matter how much I chop and punch it's not as cool as kickin' it with you.

Here we go, let's start the party!

Chop it up like it's karate.

Everybody!

- Don't... - Don't...

- You... - You...

Get all tough with me!

I'm saying...

- Won't... - Won't...

- You... - You...

Come kick it with me?

And we could have a ball, run up the wall!

- That's just how we do. - Come on!

And no matter how much I chop and punch it's not as cool as kickin' it with you.

He's just a little eight-year-old boy.

To protect ourselves, we had to lock him in your office.

[Watch beeps]

Oh, no. It's my turn to check on him.

You only wanted to watch the kid

so you'd look like a big deal in front of the Grandmaster.

I did it out of respect.

The Grandmaster is a world-renowned martial artist,

a man of great honor and integrity.

Plus, I'm hoping to use his condo at the beach club.

Oh-ho-ho, it is right in the middle of bikini row!

Whatever. You are not dumping this monster off on us.

- Monster? Oh, please. - [Tape crinkling]

Ah! Gah!

[Panting]

Rudy, you're gonna need more tape.

We are not doing this alone, Rudy.

Wh... but I'm a Sensei.

I've got the dojo to run.

Uh...

You know, Rudy, watching the kid and running the dojo...

Seems like you got a pretty full plate.

- I do. - I could take more of a leadership role.

You know, help around the place, teach some of your classes.

I mean, between the two of us, we got this.

Nah, thanks, guys. But there's no way I could leave my beloved dojo...

Here are the keys.

Yeah, every morning you have to plunge the toilet and feed the cat.

Do not mix those up.

Dude, we're in charge!

Oh, I've been waiting for this for a long time.

- I have some huge ideas. - I got an idea of my own.

See, it's Gis for beginners. Inside they have airbags.

Oh, hold on. I got one in my locker.

Hey, uh, Jerry. Why don't you go write those ideas down?

Uh, I mean, so we don't forget them.

Oh, yeah. Yeah yeah, you're right.

We should probably get to work on these chores anyway.

- [Toilet flushes] - [Plunger sucking]

[Cat caterwauls]

[Cat shrieking]

Feeding the toilet... no problem.

But woo! Tomorrow...

You're plunging the cat.

[Blows]

I'm gonna ask you for the last time. To please stop doing that.

Oh, he's just trying to have a little fun.

[Blows rapidly]

I'm gonna go hit the can.

Can't you put this kid in a cage?

I'd love to, but kid cages rub some people the wrong way.

Look, inside every bad child is a good child trying to get out.

We just have to help him.

[Pipes clanking]

[Laughing]

What did you do?

I shoved seven rolls of toilet paper down the bowl before I flushed it.

No! My pipes can't take that kind of pressure.

She's going to blow. She's going to blow!

[Pipes explode]

She blew.

Punch. Block. Good.

- Punch and block. - Hey, what's going on?

Uh, I'm teaching the 3:30 class.

But the 3:30 class doesn't start until 4:15.

Jerry, since I've been in charge, I've made some changes around here.

I even got some new students.

Students?

Is that who these people are?

Yo, white belt! You're standing in my spot.

It's called the Jerry zone, so step off, not-Jerry.

Hey hey. Why don't you guys just take a five?

Thanks. What's your problem?

My problem is we're running this dojo together.

I have lots of great ideas and you're not listening to any of them.

You have lots of great ideas? Name one.

Come to Bobby Wasabi's and check out our...

Mooooooves!

Mooooooves!

This thing's got satellite radio, air conditioning and a microwave.

[Bell dings]

- Ooh! - [Microwave door opens]

Chimichanga?

Please put that back where it came from.

[Mouthing]

[Microwave door closes]

- How are you powering all that? - That's the genius, Jack.

See, I strapped a car battery to each leg.

This thing's powered up and ready to...

[Zapping]

Are you all right? I think your suit is short circuiting.

Huh? Oh, no. No, it's not.

- No, I'm perfectly... - [Zapping]

Fine! Woo!

- [High-pitched] I couldn't be... - [Buzzing]

Better!

[Dings erratically]

Jerry, the new vision I have for the dojo...

It's not about karate cows or glow-rate or burning butt burritos.

It's about my new training philosophy,

based on three levels of focus, honor and dedication.

I call it "Jack's pyramid of discipline".

Okay, first of all, that's not a pyramid...

It's a triangle.

Second, I can't believe you took my picture down and put that thing up.

And third, what about my ideas?

Your ideas are dumb, dude.

[High-pitched] Oh?

You know what, Jack? You've changed. You've changed!

I had to. I'm in charge now.

Yeah?

Well, with you in charge, I'm not sure I want to be a part of this lame dojo.

- Fine. - Fine.

Both: Fine!

Kickin' it with you!

Dude...

You know what hurts even more than your hummus burning its way through my colon?

Actually, I know no greater pain.

The fact that my best friend doesn't need me.

Ah.

I thought Jack and I were gonna run the dojo together.

You know, it's just like me and my Cousin Carl.

We moved here together from Hachmachistan and wanted to open up a restaurant.

But we had very different ideas on how to do the business.

Like what?

Well, for starters, he wanted our meat to be actual meat.

[Laughing] What?!

So he opened up Carl's Kabobs, and I opened up my place.

That's it! Oh!

That's exactly what I'm gonna do.

You know, you've made a few enemies since you've been here.

But I think deep down inside of you is a good kid.

All you need is a little fresh air and sunshine.

Where's Milton? And why won't Kim fish with us?

I know Milton's around here somewhere. And I'll go talk to Kim.

Sam!

I've been up all night thinking of what you might try and pull out here today!

What? I'm just a little boy fishing.

[Stammering] I... I...

I know it's only a matter of time before you try and trick me into eating a worm.

[Groaning]

[Laughing]

Ha! Beat you to it!

What's next? The old hook-and-rip?

See!

Ha!

Beat you to it!

And for the grand finale, when I'm not looking, attach a crab to my nose.

[Moaning and groaning]

Beat you to it.

[Screaming]

[Groaning loudly]

I want nothing to do with him, okay? He's pure evil.

Oh, he just needed a little more Rudy time.

I caught a fish, Rudy. It's for you.

Pure evil, huh?

You! You stole my fish!

What? No. He caught it.

Ah!

[Water splashes]

[Giggling]

[Camera shutter clicks]

Might need a little more Rudy time.

Hey, Jack, take a flyer.

It's for the new business that I opened with my partner.

Jack: What?! Oh, you've got to be kidding me.

Punch. [Exhales sharply]

Punch. [Exhales sharply]

You turned Phil's into a dojo?

Not just a dojo, but a better dojo than the one you're running.

And one last thing, Jack.

I'm gonna have to ask you to step off my face.

Kickin' it with you!

All right, guys, today we're gonna focus on a roll out into a chest strike.

Now watch. Gonna roll out...

Spin, chest strike.

All right? You guys give it a shot.

Not bad. That was good.

Move it, zits. My turn.

[Yelling]

[Warbled yelling]

- What are you doing here? - Relax, Jack.

Just came to get some stuff out of my locker.

Yeah? Well, make it quick.

I'm in the middle of class with all of my new students.

Oh, I just hope you don't do to these students

what you did to little Timmy Donovan.

Oh, you didn't hear?

Yeah, Jack pushed him to do a move he wasn't ready for.

Poor kid had to have his whole skeleton removed.

Come on, you guys don't believe that. It's not even possible.

Yes, it is.

Oh, yeah. Now Timmy just hangs on his mother's clothesline

making fun of kids that walk by.

"Hey, you! Spines are for losers".

Come on. That's not...

- That's not true. - Oh, would you look at that.

The fancy new safe dojo across the courtyard,

is giving away free orange belts with every order of hummus.

[Screams]

[Exhales deeply]

What's all this stuff?

[Stammering] Don't... don't... don't... don't touch this.

It's the only thing you haven't destroyed.

Just go back to your room and take another nap.

I already took two.

No, your naps aren't for you, they're for me, they help me relax.

"The Battle of Pickford"?

- Awesome. - Yeah.

Six months of awesome.

It's an exact replica down to the last detail.

Even the cannons fire.

Wow, this is the coolest hobby ever!

That's not what my dates say.

Why doesn't that horse have a rider?

Ah, Colonel Pickford should be riding that horse.

Yeah, but the company that makes the figurines went out of business,

so my exact replica will never be exact.

It's all right, Rudy. Someday you'll get your Colonel Pickford.

You think so?

[Table knocks and creaks]

Ah!

I'm so sorry! I swear that was an accident!

You...

[Voice breaking] Look what you've done!

Everything is destroyed!

Not everything.

Um, this cannon still looks like...

Uh... I'm gonna go take another nap.

Kickin' it with you!

Kick.

- Kick. - [Bell dings]

You know what that means!

Jerry and Phil: Dance break!

[Dance music playing]

Hey, Sensei. Check out my moves.

Woo!

[Mimics wailing siren]

[Music stops]

This establishment is in violation of code 681-niner...

Operating a dojo inside of a falafel restaurant.

Ha! Joke's on you!

I don't have permits for either of those.

Any accomplices found on the premises of said dojo-falafel establishment...

Will be taken into custody!

Hi, one free lesson at The Bobby Wasabi Dojo.

Jack: Have a good day.

I should have known it was you, Jack.

Can't stand seeing a better dojo, can you?

Oh, this? This isn't a dojo. It's a joke.

- Oh, really? - Mm hmm.

Then why don't we have a little tournament, huh?

Winner gets to run The Bobby Wasabi Dojo...

Their way.

All right. You want a Battle Of The Dojos?

- Let's do it. - Fine.

- Fine. - Both: Fine!

This is gonna be so easy.

The only student you have left is Joan.

[Fly buzzing]

Well, the only student you have left is Phil.

[Giggling]

It's ticklish.

We got this, Jack.

I'm gonna mop up the floor with this chump.

No one mops these floors... ever!

Po's gonna be here any minute.

I guess you'll be glad to see me go.

Aw, Sam...

I really really will.

I almost forgot. I have something for you.

- [Chuckling] What's this? - It's Colonel Pickford.

I made it out of a clothespin, a half-chewed gumdrop,

and the saber's a toenail clipping.

This is the best...

And worst thing anyone's ever given me.

Why are you always such a troublemaker?

I mean, don't you want a family to like you?

I've never had a family before.

I mean, are they really that important?

Yeah, Sam.

Being a part of a family is very important.

Look, if you could stay here...

With us, is there any chance that you could behave yourself?

I can try, but I can't promise anything.

Why don't you stay with me?

Really, Rudy? Whoa, thanks!

I'll go talk to Po.

Rudy! Rudy! I got your text. What's the emergency?

Oh, Kim. That was from me. I didn't want you to be late for your date.

For my what now?

You know the geek who works at Komputer Kingdom with the face fungus?

Yeah.

I told him that if he met you here, you'd give him a kiss.

You did not say...

Pucker up, Princess.

[Shrieking]

Sam, that was...

[Chuckling] Really funny.

Nice.

- Breathe, breathe, breathe... - [Breathes sharply]

- Open. - [Water squirts]

- Good. - [Spits]

Joan, that wasn't a spit bucket; That was my shoe.

Jack, I am in the zone.

I have razor-sharp focus.

I will not be distracted. I will...

Oh, hi, Todd! Woo! Someone's been working out.

Your glutes are beauts. Ha ha! [Purring] Wow! Yeah!

[Mouthing]

What?

I see your dumb triangle is still where my picture should be.

Yeah, you probably threw it out.

No no, you probably shredded it into a thousand little pieces!

Actually, I had it enlarged.

See, I was gonna hang it up, but then you went...

You kicked me out.

I didn't kick you out. You're the one who decided to leave.

Well, that's because you didn't respect me and said all my ideas were dumb.

Well, I shouldn't have said that.

Because actually, you had some pretty good ideas.

Yes. Yes, I did.

So, uh...

Which one was good?

Your idea for Gis with airbags.

Oh, yeah. For beginners. It takes the fear out of being hit.

Yeah, I've been using the one out of your locker. People love 'em.

Hey, Donnie, come here.

[Air hisses]

Nice.

Hey, uh, Jerry?

I've always dreamed of running a dojo.

When I got the chance, maybe I got a little carried away.

I should never have disrespected you.

The truth is the dojo isn't the same without you, man.

You had me at, Jerry, I've always dreamed of running a dojo, and when I

got the chance, maybe I got a little carried away, I should have never...

I think I know where you're going with this.

Hey, what do you say we call off this little tournament before someone gets hurt?

- Yeah. - [Yelling]

[Yelling]

[Loud crashing]

Joan: I'm okay! I just landed on this really big kid.

[Explosion, air hissing]

Holy Hannah, I think I popped him!

Kickin it with you!

[Military drumming playing]

Men, you are no longer without a leader.

Colonel Pickford has arrived to lead you over the ridge and down into the valley.

Now you should know that you will be turned into human confetti by close-range

enemy cannon fire, due to Colonel Pickford's legendarily poor judgment.

Sam, you have the honor of placing Pickford on his noble steed.

We have got to find another hobby.

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