Original subtitles

So, it's three votes for doing "A History of Panties,"

and one vote against.

Maya, once again, I'm sorry.

Next item of business...

Morning, mortals. You're late.

Ask me why.

Next item of business...

Okay, I'll tell you. Today's the proudest day of my life.

Aw, did you draw something we can stick on the fridge?

(LAUGHING)

Oh, Nina, always a delight.

All right, what did he put on my back?

I've got big, big news.

Fine. What is it?

Adrienne and I are getting married.

Are you on the crack, boy?

I'm serious. I love her. She loves me. So we're getting married.

I think Jack asked you a question.

People, come on! I'm getting married!

All right, congratulations, Dennis. Congratulations.

My God. Yeah! There you go.

I can't quite believe it, but I guess, congratulations.

Okay, thank you.

Wait. You didn't grab my ass.

It didn't occur to me.

Finch, you are in love!

Well done, boy. Enjoy it.

There's nothing like the magic of marriage number one.

Oh, wow, Dad. That's the nicest thing you've ever said about Mom.

Good God. Number one was your mother?

Finch, I'm so excited. So proud.

Thank you.

And a little nervous.

I mean, designing your wedding is an enormous responsibility.

What? Well, I'm just dizzy with ideas.

Are you allergic to swans? I mean, as an entree?

Hi, everyone.

Congratulations. Thank you. Thank you.

Good morning, honey.

(BOTH MOANING) Yeah.

Oh.

Who's my tickle-monkey? Me!

Who's my squirmy bear? I am!

Who's my little inch-worm?

Honey, I'm not crazy about that last one.

JACK: Look at you two.

This is all happening so quickly.

I know, but Dennis says it's like he's known me for years.

Well, he's probably been going through your garbage.

Anyway, sometimes I think two people just connect.

Right, my little Wocky?

It's Wookie. Did you get that?

She said Wocky. She said it wrong. Isn't that cute?

(CHUCKLING)

It is so cute. Excuse me.

Hey, what's the matter with you?

Nothing.

Aren't you excited for Finch?

Look, I admire Finch's scams as much as the next guy.

But conning some confused model into getting married,

that's something else.

What the hell is this?

I think you're jealous.

Please. Of Finch?

That's right. You can't stand that he's found real love.

(SCOFFING) Real love?

Have you ever been to his apartment?

He has a toy nipple for a doorbell.

Well, all I can say is I couldn't be happier for you two kids.

This calls for a celebration.

Hey, let's go downstairs and get bombed.

Nina, it's 10:00 in the morning.

I'm sorry, Jack.

Now let's leave quietly, or everyone will wanna come.

Let's see. Ah, here it is.

Now pay close attention, dear.

You may find an inspirational theme from one of my own weddings.

Why do you keep your wedding albums at work?

Oh, I tend to move a lot and often at night.

Now,

here I am in a Vera Wang gown with a lace bodice,

while here I chose an Oscar de la Renta number with a low back.

Well, I like this one with the Arabian theme.

Oh, yes, wedding number four.

Look, the bridesmaids are dressed like harem girls!

No, dear, those are the sultan's other wives.

Can I tell you guys a secret? Mmm.

You drugged her. You hypnotized her.

You told her you were a Kennedy.

This morning,

I sold my entire collection of rare comic books.

What? You did not. Yes, I did.

Why the hell would you do something like that?

Because I wanna buy Adrienne

the most beautiful ring in the world.

Oh, my God, you are in love with her.

Mmm-hmm. Yeah, not with you.

And don't forget to hire a stripper for your bachelorette party.

It may be your last chance to see a full-scale male body.

So, I have to ask what made the two of you decide to get married?

Oh, I was young. He was a sultan.

Oh, her.

So many reasons.

Dennis is sweet, and funny,

and so forgiving.

He makes me wanna work on all my flaws.

And what flaws would those be?

Oh, all sorts of stuff. Dennis made a list.

It's here someplace.

He made a list of your flaws?

We believe in total honesty.

For instance, he told me about the two of you.

Me and Finch?

Maya, we all have animal urges.

Just remember, I don't share my men.

(GLASS TINKLING)

I propose a toast.

To the bride, to the groom,

and to God's warped sense of humor.

First the duck-billed platypus,

and now this. I'm kidding, of course.

Drink up.

I think you were right about Finch and Adrienne.

No, you were right. He's in love.

No, you were right when you said it was wrong.

No, I was wrong and now I'm right.

Finch has the right to love without us thinking it's wrong, right?

What?

Hey, what are you two talking about?

I say Finch is in love.

I say he's using her.

I say one more drink and let's all go shopping.

Man, I forgot how great it is

to have martinis during the day.

Makes the afternoon fly by.

It's 11:30.

Well, this blows.

Hey,

by the way, I dropped your name at that ring shop on 54th like you told me.

Yeah, and?

Check it out. Hey, very nice.

Was it pricey? I'll say.

But they told me about the two year salary rule.

You mean two months' salary.

Right, that's what I meant.

We should just agree to disagree.

Exactly. I mean, we both want what's best for Finch and Adrienne.

Of course. And I just happen to think

he's catching her on the rebound.

And I think he's truly in love.

And I think he's taking advantage of a vulnerable woman.

Well, I think you should be supporting Finch,

not stabbing him in the back.

Well, I think you should take that patronizing attitude

and shove it up your butt.

And I think you shouldn't punish others

just because you haven't had sex since the mid-'80s.

Yeah? I think your IQ's in the mid-80s.

Ha, that's real mature, you big baby.

Jerk.

Are you as turned on as I am?

Go to hell!

Hey. Hey yourself.

I'm looking for some guy named Dennis.

May I ask what this is regarding?

Sure. He stole my woman and now I'm gonna kill him.

(CLEARING THROAT) Sorry I asked.

I beg your pardon?

I guess Adrienne told Cameron Diaz, who knows Janet Jones,

who told her husband, Wayne Gretzky,

who told me in the penalty box last night

that she's engaged to some guy named Dennis.

So, if you'd be kind enough to point him out to me,

I'll beat the life from his body and I'll be on my way.

(STUTTERING) He's, he's not here today.

Well, do you know where I might kill him?

Afraid, I don't.

Damn! Uh, I got a game in Boston tonight.

I guess I'm gonna have to fly back and kill him tomorrow.

JACK: Hey, Dennis.

Dentist? Okay, I'll make you an appointment.

I was just at the dentist, Dennis.

Well, it's time to go again, again.

What's this?

Uh, cough drop.

That looks like an engagement ring.

Well, of course it is because I'm...

Getting married? DENNIS: Right.

Nina! My angel.

Yes, hello.

Nina, I'm just so excited about our wedding.

(CHUCKLING) Oh, I wouldn't exactly call it our wedding.

(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY) Not our wedding.

Poor thing can't believe it's happening.

Are you making fun of me because I'm drunk?

Nina, my love. Tell me how much you wanna be my wife.

If you don't, I'll be crushed. Like a bug.

Oh, please. Do you play stupid games like this with Adri...

Gosh.

All right, I guess you're not the guy.

(SIGHS)

By the way, I hate to tell you this, friend,

but I don't think she's in love with you.

Oh, yeah. Food for thought.

Anyway, you tell this Dennis, I'll be back.

And when I find him...

I'll tell him.

So, what now?

You know, Nina thinks we should get married in Paris next spring.

Right, that's right.

They say the French hate Americans,

but, you know, I was there for a swimsuit job once

and I think it's just the French women.

More on the toes.

I wonder if my phone is working yet.

Why, you expecting a call?

Well, I just think it's kind of weird

that it would just suddenly stop working.

You haven't seen my cell phone?

Baby, I'm trying to relax.

Sorry. I guess I'm just a big chatterbox.

Should we write chatterbox on my list?

Ah, remind me later.

Oh, I know what's wrong.

Is this about a certain someone who wants to break us up?

What are you talking about?

Oh, come on, it's obvious that Maya still wants you.

Poor thing.

(CHUCKLING) Maya. I hope she learns to love again.

Who's my little Gandhi?

I am.

Well, silly, the phone cord fell out.

Oh, that's right.

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello?

BRIAN: You're dead. I'm taking my woman back and you're dead!

I don't love you, Maya! Please be happy for us!

Marry me tomorrow.

What? What are you talking about?

Please, marry me tomorrow. I can't wait. I love you too much.

What about our families and our friends?

Honey, remember what I said about being more adventurous?

Well, I thought that's what that Zorro outfit was about.

That's one example.

Let's be crazy. Let's be romantic. What do you say?

Oh, my little woodpecker.

It is crazy, but you know what?

Why not?

This is the happiest day of my life.

(MUFFLED) Me, too.

What did you say? You, too?

(MUFFLED) It's all good.

Ah, there you are.

Listen, I've been going round and round with the wedding photographer.

Either you have to wear platform shoes,

or we do it outside and dig Adrienne some sort of trench.

Forget it, Nina. I have to get married today.

Why?

Because her ex-boyfriend, the hockey player

is coming to take her away and kill me.

Well, did you notify security?

You mean that 80-year-old guy in the lobby

armed with a hearing aid and a clipboard?

All right, just calm down.

You don't understand! I'm gonna lose her!

Oh, you really do love this woman, huh?

Last night I didn't want to go to sleep,

'cause I was afraid when I woke up she wouldn't be there.

Don't laugh, that's happened to me.

Which isn't easy,

considering I have bunk beds.

Nina, she's the best thing that ever happened to me

and I've gotta marry her now before it's too late.

All right, let's think.

Did you try City Hall?

Yes. It's all booked. Do you know any judges?

One.

But the arrangement is, he calls me.

There must be some way.

Wait, what day is it?

Tuesday. Oh, well, then you're in luck.

Every third Tuesday,

His Holiness, the Reverend Sin Chop-Chop Cho

holds a mass wedding at the Church of the Rising Star.

The Church of the Rising Star? Isn't that that cult you used to belong to?

Oh, please. A few people get together,

shave their heads, turn all their property over to a charismatic leader,

and suddenly it's a cult?

(SNORTS)

I don't know. A mass wedding sounds...

Finch. Finch,

the hockey player is downstairs

bitch slapping the security guard.

Make the call!

Come on, honey, let's go.

I think I look fat in this.

No, you look great, all right.

Wait here one second, let me get my inhaler.

MAYA: What's happening?

Maya, I know this is painful.

But Dennis and I are getting married today.

What?

Don't worry. There's someone out there for you.

No, Adrienne, I don't think you understand...

You can't have him, you psycho!

No. I'm not sure...

Hey, I did not start that.

Why can't you just let them alone?

Elliott, I don't think you understand.

They're getting married today.

Maya, they're in love!

Oh, come on. They've known each other for two days.

Finch is manipulating her. It's just not normal.

It's perfectly normal. They have to get married fast

because a hockey player is trying to kill him.

See, that's not normal.

Oh. Oh. And you know this from all your normal relationships.

For your information, I had a very normal relationship in college

with a man named Robert and we would still be together

if we hadn't discovered he was gay.

Finch, I... Oh, where did they go?

Oh, the Church of the Rising Star. Isn't it romantic?

What? They're getting married in a cult?

Cult. You know what?

When the mother ship returns to rescue everyone, you're not invited.

Hi. I'm looking for a short blonde guy and a supermodel.

Short guy. Supermodel.

If you're trying to hypnotize me with your eyes,

it's not gonna work.

Hey. What are you doing here?

Taking you back. No way.

Maya, listen to me. No, you listen to me.

This whole thing is just wrong,

and I'm not leaving here until I talk Finch out of it.

Finch, don't do it!

Maya, be quiet.

You're ruining the happiest day of 800 people's lives.

Ah!

See now isn't this better than a silly mass wedding?

Yes, it's great. It's very romantic.

Oh, hello. What can I do for you?

Can you do a wedding right away?

Not without a groom.

I'm the groom.

No, seriously, where is he?

He's the groom and I'm very much in love with my little Wocky.

Wookie. What if it's an emergency?

Well, first, it's my day off.

Second, you don't have any witnesses.

And third, you've obviously made a pact with Satan and I want no part of that.

I'll give you 200 bucks.

Well, let's do this puppy.

Okay, Finch. I'll leave a note for Jack and be there as soon as I can.

Okay, where is he? Pardon?

Where's this guy Dennis?

Now see here, my puck-slapping friend.

You may be striking. You may be muscular.

You may have a brutish quality that makes me all weak and shivery.

But rest assured...

Now I lost my train of thought.

You better tell me where he is, or I'm gonna rip this place apart.

Who cares? Once a month I rip this place apart.

Besides you'll never get to the wedding in time.

They're getting married today?

Oh, so you know that much. Who cares?

There must be hundreds of red-brick churches on West 63rd.

I'm gonna kill him!

It's a big city, my friend!

(SNORTING) What a moron.

So wearing a thong bikini doesn't actually hurt?

You get used to it.

Hmm.

I took the subway to get here faster.

What an experience!

This city has become a melting pot.

Where's Nina?

I don't know. She left before me.

She'll be here. Let's go!

MINISTER: Well, now, before we begin,

may we take a few minutes to join together

in silent prayer to honor our Lord?

There's an extra 100 if you start.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today...

When do I give you the ring?

Oh, crap, the ring.

Oh, Dennis.

It's in my coat. Keep going.

He's extremely rich, isn't he?

Oh! Sorry.

Ah! What are you doing here?

Me? What about you?

I'm trying to stop Adrienne from getting married.

Oh, so it's not too late?

Oh, man! I'll tell you what, buddy,

I'm really nervous,

but I think I know how I can win her back.

I'm gonna tell her I'll become a new man.

I'll listen to her. I'll respect her.

And I won't try to solve my problems

by beating up every guy who looks at her.

(SIGHING)

You think that'll work?

Probably. Ah! Thanks, man.

Hey, you know, I don't, I don't even know your name.

Dennis. Brian!

Adrienne!

Dennis?

That's right, princess. I'm Dennis.

Adrienne and I laugh at you when we're in bed.

What do you think of that? We need some ice out here!

Dennis!

Adrienne, I'm, I'm sorry.

I hate you!

You don't understand. I'm a new man.

I never want to see you again!

Are you as turned on as I am?

Get out!

What's the holdup?

Don't tell me you have cold feet,

'cause believe me, you'll never do any better than her.

Sorry I'm late! I had trouble finding the place.

What happened to him?

He was protecting me from that idiot, Brian!

He found you? That man is a positive bloodhound.

REVEREND: And now, my children, as you unite today,

so are you joined forever in the eyes of The Great Protector.

Now join hands...

ELLIOTT: Do you know what everybody at work calls you?

"The Meddler." Yeah, well, at least I have a nickname.

People think of you and they shrug.

Come on. We're getting out of here.

Don't tell me what to do. Let go of me.

MINISTER: And now, join hands as a sign of your eternal union...

Hey. Hey. I'm warning you...

You're warning me? I'm warning you.

(SHUSHING) REVEREND: I proclaim you each man and wife.

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER) Rejoice, my sheep!

What is that?

I think we just got married.

Excuse me, Mr. Chop-Chop Cho.

And do you, Adrienne, take this man

to be your lawfully wedded husband

in sickness and in health, 'til death do you part?

I do.

And do you, Dennis, take...

I do!

Well, that's it.

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may kiss. Yahoo!

Adrienne! Adrienne!

Adrienne! Adrienne!

Adrienne! Adrienne!

I love you, Adrienne.

I love you, Wocky!

Adrienne!

* Life keeps bringing me back to you

* Keeps bringing me home

* It don't matter what I wanna do

* 'Cause it's got a mind of its own

* Life keeps bringing me back to you *

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