Original subtitles

Dennis, what's that smell I like?

A meadow after a rainstorm? That's it.

Hey, by the way, Robert Goulet called.

Uh-oh. What?

Dennis, let me offer you a little piece of advice

that'll help you as you travel down the long road of life.

Never buy a racehorse with Robert Goulet.

Thanks for the tip, Yoda.

Stupid horse has his first race today

and he's still acting all crazy.

The trainer couldn't even get him out of the stable.

Sometimes I wonder why we ever bought Tax Dodge in the first place.

Finch, I just got Elliott's birthday present

and I don't mind saying I've really outdone myself.

No way. Better than soap?

That wasn't just soap. That was soap of the month.

Yeah. Twelve timely reminders that your gifts suck.

Well, he is really going to love this.

I'll be the judge of that.

Well, check it out. A video game system and five cartridges.

Mine! Sorry!

Ninja's Whip.

That's right, the hot game.

(IMITATES WHIP SNAPPING)

Video games are kind of my secret passion.

Hmm, sounds like your secret passion is Elliott.

What? He is not.

Maya, any gift given to a co-worker over $100

comes with the understanding that the giver wants to "give it" to the givee.

Well, I just got it for him because it's fun.

Hmm, you and fun.

That's not tracking.

Hey, I am not just a straight-laced, uptight schoolmarm.

I have a playful side. I can get wild.

Your top button's open.

Yeah? Well, good.

Remember, the party's at noon sharp.

Oh, shoot. I'm gonna be out on an interview.

Will you save me a piece of cake?

Piece of cake. Thanks.

No, I'm writing it down. Oh.

Um, and by the way,

would you mind...

Should have never told you I was a gift wrapper at Bloomies.

(BLOWS KISS)

Hey, Finch. Finch, I got Elliott's present. Would you mind...

Oh, yes. What did you get him?

I got a little nutty this year.

(CHUCKLES) So what is it? A T-shirt with a tuxedo on it?

Or maybe... Oh, my God!

What is this stuff?

It's called the "Bachelor's Box of Sexessories."

What do you think?

Mmm, sexcellent!

It's got love oils, naughty videos, latex body parts,

edible everything.

Very classy. Where'd you get all this stuff?

Uh, my uncle owns a porno store.

What?

Why didn't you tell me that five years ago?

You could've save me a hundred thousand bucks.

Thanks for wrapping it. I'll see you at the party.

Yeah, yeah.

Hey. Switch the cards.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah. It'll be hilarious.

What are you looking for?

Isn't there supposed to be an angel over here?

Are you Dennis Finch?

Yes. Then no!

Do it.

(GIGGLES)

(GIGGLING)

Splendid.

Yeah, raise the roof.

Am I late?

Hey, Jack. Aw, thanks for your present. It was so thoughtful.

Well, when I saw it, I said to myself, "Wow, this is Elliott."

What did I get him?

A gift certificate. Oh.

Well, don't spend it all in one place.

Don't I have to?

Hey, open it. Open it.

Oh, what could this be, huh?

Oh, vodka! Thank you, Nina.

Open it, open it.

Jack, you had a message. Your horse kicked your trainer in the head.

Ah, yeah, he'll do that.

Yeah, well, the trainer just quit.

What? He can't quit.

Tax Dodge is racing at 4:00 today.

Oh, well. Hey, Elliott, open Persky's.

"Let's buy a racehorse," Bob Goulet said.

"All champions are high-strung," Bob Goulet said.

Well, come 4:00, I'm putting a saddle on Bob Goulet.

Let him run around the track.

Excuse me, but what about the poor horse?

Huh? Well, what does the horse feel about all this?

Hard to say.

His diary has one of those little locks on the front.

Jack, your delightful sarcasm aside, I grew up around horses,

and they're much more like people than you think.

They get nervous, they feel rejection and they wear shoes.

Now, this is his big day.

You need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart with him.

Dennis, take the contents of Nina's purse down to the lab.

Oh! Oh, so it's me who's crazy.

You're the one who refuses to talk to a horse.

That's good stuff. Okay, let's keep the party moving.

This one's from Persky.

All right.

"Hey, Elliott, have fun, wild man." All right.

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

A new video game. Oh, this is great.

Okay. Now open Maya's.

"Bet you didn't expect something like this from me. Love, Maya."

Mmm, mysterious.

What'd she get you? Uh, nothing.

(STAMMERING) Socks. Just some socks.

Socks? Cool. What kind?

Tube socks. Just plain old tube socks.

Tube socks. I love it! Stripes?

Sure, whatever.

Hey, do they have that extra padding in the heel?

Just back off, Jack. They're just stupid socks!

Make a note. Elliott hates socks.

Hey, hey, where's the party?

Huh? What? Oh, it just ended.

Oh, rats. I thought Finch told me 1:00.

So, what'd you think of my gift?

Oh. Oh, yeah. Oh, I'm sorry, Persky.

Oh, it was great. I was floored.

I thought you'd get a kick out of it.

Yeah. Oh, I can't wait to use it.

All right! Well, I want to hear all the details.

Better yet, why don't you come over

and we could take it for a little test drive, huh?

What?

Yeah. Maybe this weekend.

You mean with some girls, right?

Of course not.

I mean, who wants a couple of girls watching us go at it, right?

Just you and me, and a little Mine Shaft Expedition, huh?

(STAMMERING) I think you should know, I have a fiancee.

Hey. Hey, you know, I don't want to tell you how to live your life,

but you don't want to marry somebody who won't let you have a little guy fun.

What are you doing?

Sorting Jack's M&M's.

He doesn't like the blue ones. He says they're unnatural.

(PHONE RINGING)

Jack Gallo's office.

JACK ON INTERCOM: Dennis, it's me.

Hey, Jack. What's wrong?

I'll tell you what's wrong.

My horse has gone completely psycho.

Did you try saying "whoa"?

(HORSE NEIGHING)

(HORSE STOMPING)

Whoa.

(HORSE NEIGHING)

Negative on the "whoa."

Where the hell's that crazy horse-freak, Nina?

She's right here, Jack.

Oh, hi, sweetheart.

Hey, if you're not doing anything,

maybe you can come down and take a look at Tax Dodge.

He's dying to meet his Auntie Nina.

Oh, don't you "Auntie Nina" me. Admit it, you need me.

Fine, I admit it. NINA: Admit it!

I just did.

I know, maybe if I just brush him a little, it'll...

(JACK EXCLAIMING)

(DIAL TONE DRONING)

Okay. Jack's dead. I'm in charge now.

Finch, I'm going.

There's a horse out there who needs me.

Okay, you do that,

but the rest of you keep doing what you're doing.

Hey, Elliott.

Maya, what were you thinking?

I almost opened your present in front of your father.

So?

I mean, it could have been really embarrassing.

Why would he be embarrassed? He loves that stuff.

What?

He may be old, but he's not dead.

Oh, ha, ha, ha.

What?

All right, you got me. All right, I am officially shocked.

Okay?

Elliott, there is part of my life that you don't know about.

I like to have fun. I'm not a straight-laced, uptight schoolmarm.

You're saying you're into this stuff?

Well, I don't go around announcing it, but it's sort of a

guilty pleasure.

I'll tell you what. Why don't you come over tonight?

I'll cook you dinner and I'll take you on.

What?

It's your birthday. Let's get wild!

Let me... Let me get this straight.

You want me to bring the little bag of fun over tonight so we can...

Play.

Unless you're busy.

No.

Great. I'll see you at 8:00.

Oh, and Elliott.

Yeah?

Your ass is mine.

(IMITATES WHIP SNAPPING)

Wasn't that fun?

Yes.

Excellent work.

Now kill them all.

What are you talking about?

Sorry. Sorry. Baby steps.

Good horse!

Nice horse!

(HORSE NEIGHING)

Jack.

Oh, you're here. Don't go near that horse. He's dangerous.

No, no, Jack. It's okay. There's something I never told you.

I find that hard to believe.

Well, there is.

Back on the farm I discovered at an early age that I had a gift.

I'm what they call a horse calmer-downer.

Oh.

What?

When the storm clouds came rolling in,

and the thunder clapped its mighty roar,

I would run out to the stables and calm the horses down.

Hence the name.

Well, there's a horse who's gonna race in two hours. Do what you can.

Well, I will. But we're dealing with a sensitive, skittish creature.

Would a horse tranquilizer help?

It might, but I need to focus.

Just give me some room.

(SPUTTERS)

I understand. I'm here.

What are you doing?

(SHUSHING)

I want you to go to that painful place.

I want you to take me there.

I know, I know, I know, I know. I'm scared, too.

Go back. Go back and remember.

Your practice times stink and that's bad.

I mean, you keep this up, you'll amount to nothing.

I sometimes wish I had never bought you.

I'm sorry for saying that, but it's the truth, because you're bad.

You're a bad, bad, bad, stupid, bad horse.

It's not your fault. It's not your fault. Not your fault.

(WHISPERING) No. No. It's not your fault.

Not your fault. It's okay.

Well, Jack, your precious race is on.

How do you know?

He spoke to me.

Well, if he told you I ate one of his apples, he's a liar.

Good night, Elliott. Hope you like your sex.

What?

Hope you like your socks. What's wrong with you?

Hey, can I talk to you for a second?

Shoot.

Take a look at what Maya gave me for my birthday.

Oh, my God. Is this some sort of gag?

No, she says it's for real.

No, this leather thing. Is it some sort of gag?

Do you believe this? From Maya?

You know what, though, I always sensed that she had a wild side.

That's what she said.

She said that? Yeah.

Wow.

That is scary.

It is?

No, that thing with the pump.

Here's the weirdest part.

She invited me over tonight and she said to bring this stuff with me.

Come on. You're messing with me.

I'm dead serious. Well, then, my God, you're in.

I don't know what to do.

I mean, I've been friends with her for two years.

She's my longest-lasting female relationship

and I think that's because we haven't screwed it up with sex.

You want my advice? Yes, I want to know what you think.

Life is short. Grab the brass ring.

Or in this case, that stainless steel number.

Yeah, maybe you're right.

Good luck. All right.

Hey, Persky. What's up?

Stop pressuring me. I'm thinking about it!

He was always such a nice horse.

I don't know what got into him.

Liar! What's that?

The important thing is that Nina here has worked her voodoo.

Oh, I'm just a simple horse calmer-downer.

That animal has a good heart.

Which is more than I can say for a certain singing icon.

Nina, it seems to me that I have somehow insulted you.

Perhaps I can rectify that with a little song.

* Magic time

(FANFARE)

Well, looks like I owe you one, little lady.

I'm not the one you owe.

(STARTING BELL RINGS)

COMMENTATOR: And away they go.

Danny's Addiction on the rail, neck and neck with Hikeeba and Tax Dodge.

Hikeeba now pulls ahead. It's Hikeeba neck and neck with Tax Dodge.

And Tax Dodge now making his move on the outside.

And Tax Dodge overtakes Danny's Addiction.

Yes! Tax Dodge!

Tax Dodge neck and neck with Hikeeba.

Go, Tax Dodge!

Nina, you're a genius!

Oh, I forgot I have binoculars.

Come on, baby.

And Tax Dodge takes the lead. Come on, baby.

Tax Dodge pulling away by a length.

Wait a second. This isn't my purse.

COMMENTATOR: Heading into the home stretch. And now it's Tax Dodge by two lengths,

followed by Danny's Addiction and Hikeeba. Oh, my God.

He's doing it. And coming to the wire.

And it's Tax Dodge. NINA: Yeah!

Yes! Tax Dodge wins it by four lengths!

Nina, you did it!

Whoa!

COMMENTATOR: And he's still running!

What the hell?

He's running faster.

COMMENTATOR: The jockey can't seem to pull him up.

Oh, my God. He's running on two legs!

Has he done this before?

Not that I can remember.

COMMENTATOR: Holy cow, Tax Dodge has jumped the rail

and Tax Dodge is going berserk. He's in the beer garden.

We might want to cash these in real quick.

How's the chicken? Good? Good. Good.

ELLIOTT: Look at her. I can't believe how calm she is.

More wine? Oh, no, thanks.

What's the matter? Afraid it'll affect your performance?

Of course not.

How does she know that about me?

Good, because I am gonna spank you and I don't want to hear any excuses.

Oh, I should have let someone know where I am.

What's wrong? You seem nervous.

Me? No.

Oh, I think I know what's going on here.

You're afraid of being beaten by a woman.

Well, a little.

Don't worry. I'll go easy on you. I might even let you win.

What? There'll be a winner?

Yeah, I thought we'd go best out of seven.

Seven?

I have to warn you. I can get pretty loud.

My God, Maya's a freak.

Tell you what. I'll be right back.

Why don't you set everything up?

Well, where you going?

Well, I have to get a pillow to sit on, otherwise my butt falls asleep.

Her butt falls asleep? How does she want to do this?

Okay, I just have to forget everything I ever thought about Maya.

Even though this is not the way I would want it,

I'm just gonna make her happy and go with the flow.

MAYA: Hey, Elliott, ever play Torture Chamber?

Say yes. You'll sound cool.

Yes!

MAYA: Oh, man, I love video games!

What's that?

I love video games.

If they weren't so addictive, I would have gotten one for myself.

Anyway, prepare for humiliation!

Halfway there.

What are you doing? Nothing's set up.

Oh, I have a headache. I'm gonna go home.

Oh, no, don't leave. Take an aspirin. I'll set up.

No! I probably should go to the hospital.

Finch, what are you doing?

(YELLS)

You're behind this, aren't you?

I don't know what you're talking about. Look in the bag.

What's going on? Look in the bag.

What's in the bag? Oh, fine.

Finch obviously switched your gift.

You thought you gave me a video game.

Well, I thought you gave me this.

(YELLS)

That better be a thermos.

Do you believe this guy?

You came over here tonight thinking we were gonna have a bagful of sex?

(SQUEALING)

Sometimes I wonder why I do these things. This is why!

Finch, leave now!

Fine.

I liked it better in the hall anyway.

Your neighbors are actually having sex.

(CLEARS THROAT) Well, this is awkward.

Yeah, I'd say.

How could you... I thought it was what you wanted.

Is it what you wanted? I don't know.

What? You have no opinion on the subject?

Well, I... I'm kind of relieved you're not into this stuff.

You're not, right?

No. I've always considered myself a romantic.

I think you should love someone before you beat and humiliate them.

Yeah, me, too. I mean, I... I generally like things to be gentle and prop-free.

Just the two people.

I mean, you know, whoever they are.

Well, thanks again for dinner and for the real present. Thank you.

It doesn't seem so wild now.

No, it was great. Exactly what I wanted. Thanks.

Hey,

you don't want to keep these, do you?

No, thanks. You can keep 'em.

ELLIOTT: Oh, man, she thinks I'm a pig.

MAYA: God, I smell so good. Why doesn't he just kiss me?

Well, good night.

Good night.

What? I'm waiting to share a cab with my friend.

Just grab the sex toys and run!

My fiancee and I have decided to put off the wedding.

What? We agreed I should get this out of my system

or I'll never be happy. So I'll see you tonight.

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