Original subtitles

‐ Hey, y'all, it's Sarah, and good grief,

take a look at this terrifying photo of Nazi youth

from 1930s Germany.

JK. That's from this year,

from six months ago, in fact, in Wisconsin.

This is a junior prom pic taken last May

with students from Baraboo High School,

and either their prom theme was, like,

"A Kristallnacht to Remember,"

or we have a white supremacist problem on our hands.

The story from the fully grown adult who took the photo

and some of the kids was that they were waving good‐bye

to their parents.

"Bye, Mom! Bye, Dad!

I'm off to join a really cool new youth movement."

Come on. I know we have a president that shows you

how to lie, but just like with the president,

we all know you're lying.

The photographer posted this photo on his website for sale.

It's for sale. Who is this for?

Is there a market for this?

Oh, my God, you know what? Don't answer that.

What this picture shows is that at a mere suggestion

an entire group of young white men gave the Nazi salute

with laughing, smiling, joyful faces.

And you're probably saying, "Come on, Sarah,

it was just a joke. Lighten up. You're so PC."

Oh, my God, it was a joke?

[laughing]

That is rich. What a funny, funny joke.

I must not have gotten the nuance

of your funny, funny joke.

Look, I'm not too PC.

I've dressed up as Hitler.

I've probably made six million Holocaust jokes.

I'm not even gonna go as far to say that you have to be Jewish

to make jokes about Jews.

You just have to not hate Jews.

I think it's safe to say in this picture

there's a percentage of these guys

that are straight‐up anti‐Semitic,

like this guy up front, who sure looks like

he's doing the latest white nationalist "okay" symbol

and who may very well cry his way

to a Supreme Court seat someday.

I'd say a percentage of them are just ignorant

to the weight of what that particular salute means,

and a percentage are probably just, like,

trying to survive high school.

And all of that added up together

is what makes up a Nazi movement:

ringleaders, followers, and dipshits.

I don't know the names of any of the guys

who made the Nazi salute in that picture‐‐

though I'm guessing there are, like, 11 Todds‐‐

but I do know the name of one guy who didn't.

He's this guy in the right corner

looking very unamused.

His name is Jordan Blue

and thank God for the Jordan Blues of the world.

In a moment where everyone casually participated

in groupthink, he could recognize hate.

He could recognize it.

Because according to his Instagram account,

Jordan is gay and he said that he's been bullied

by some of these boys since middle school.

He knows what it feels like for bigots and hatemongers

to want to wish people like him out of existence.

It's why, in a split‐second decision,

he knew the difference between right and wrong.

And it's why intersectionality is so important,

because a threat to any marginalized group

is a threat against the humanity of all people,

and for every Jordan Blue out there,

there has got to be a Jordan Bluestein who's got his back.

And for every Jordan Bluestein,

there's got to be a Jordana Blue who's got his back.

And if we get to a world where everyone steps up,

maybe one day, there'll even be a Todd Blue.

Here's hoping.

I may not be a Bluestein, but I am a Silverman,

and I got your back, buddy.

Peace!

[Psychic Friend's "We Do Not Belong" plays]

♪ ♪

MAN: ♪ Shave it off, stay alive, open wide ♪

♪ Show us how to conquer first and then divide ♪

CHORUS: ♪ Don't know if we're stayin' long, stayin' long ♪

♪ Used to staying weak ♪

♪ And now we're staying strong ♪

♪ We don't wanna go where we do not belong ♪

♪ Lonely as the day is long, day is long ♪

♪ ♪

‐ Guys, come on! Stop it.

[cheers and applause]

Hi, everybody, it's me, Sarah.

Ms. Silverman, if you're nasty,

or if you're just being formal.

Thanksgiving is coming up, you guys,

You guys know Thanksgiving, right?

When families and friends all over the country

get together for food and football,

all in remembrance of the one time we were nice

to Indigenous Americans.

It's about getting together

with people you don't agree with

and still loving each other, despite those differences.

Except for Aunt Ruth.

You go fuck yourself, Aunt Ruth.

Nah, I'm just kidding.

Me and Aunt Ruth agree on everything.

Sorry, agreed on everything.

She died on 9/11.

[laughter, groans]

She choked on a pumpkin seed.

Yeah.

Can't believe it's been three years.

Rest in peace, Ruth.

I love you, you son of a bitch.

[laughter]

Now, I know you're used to me doing, uh, epic takedowns

of our corrupt government, but since it is Thanksgiving,

I would like to take some time

and talk about what I am thankful for,

and I am thankful, uh, for Donald Trump.

Oh! Oh, my God, I just shuddered, I think.

I never knew what that was before.

Uh, no, but I am. I am thankful for Donald Trump.

Not the way I'm thankful for my family,

or for, like, my butt wipes, but...

Like the way an addict is thankful

for hitting rock bottom.

I think that Trump, taint waffle that he is,

has‐‐he's actually done some good.

You know, I mean, not him personally.

He's actually done‐‐you know, he's a piece of shit‐‐

he's, uh‐‐oh, there might be kids watching.

He's a piece of S‐H‐I‐twat.

Yes, he's personally done a lot of harm.

Uh, he has put kids in cages,

he's nominated an alleged sexual assaulter

to the Supreme Court, he ordered a Muslim ban,

reignited the white supremacy movement,

redefined gender to exclude already marginalized people,

threatened California

during a catastrophic wildfire disaster‐‐

[sighs] You know what?

This is just gonna take up the whole show.

I‐‐

Deb, can you just scroll through the end of the list?

Go, go, go, go...

Enemy of the people, shithole countries...

Go, keep going.

Okay, stop. Perfect.

Thank you. [clears throat]

And worst of all, he's ruined, like,

every article of clothing.

Red hats, big ties, polo shirts.

Like, now what am I supposed to wear to feel sexy?

But Trump's presence has actually caused good.

It's like‐‐ like the butterfly effect.

Trump is the butterfly that farts in Japan,

and through a series of chain reactions,

a child learns how to read in Cincinnati, Ohio.

What I'm trying to say is,

Donald Trump is a butterfly fart,

and here are some good things

he has unintentionally triggered.

This year, a record number of women ran for and won

House and Senate seats.

And that record number of women...

[cheers and applause]

That record number of women

includes many Congressional firsts:

the youngest woman, the first Native Americans,

uh, the first Muslims, the first lesbian mom,

and the first woman with bleach blonde pubes.

[laughter]

I'm not gonna say who it is, but...

I mean, we can rule out Diane Feinstein.

Or can we?

[laughter]

And how about this?

When Colin Kaepernick risked his entire career

and started kneeling in peaceful protest

of police brutality,

Trump's stupid fucking Tweets about it‐‐

which I can only assume he fired off with sweaty thumbs

while squeezing fat loafs on the John‐‐

brought the issue to a national conversation,

shedding light on‐‐ on racial inequality

and police brutality.

Basically, more people and issues are visible

just based on the motive

of Trump trying to make them invisible.

Congress in 2019 will be the least white and least male

of all time.

[cheers and applause]

Our Congress will look a little less like a country club

and a little more like‐‐ uh, like our country.

[cheers and applause]

More people of color, more women,

more young people turned out to vote,

despite voter suppression efforts and bad weather.

Not like bad weather would keep anyone

from doing their civic duty.

[laughter, groans]

Of course. Why didn't he just bring an umbrella, by the way?

[laughter]

Oh. [Scottish accent] Right.

But, in general, our butterfly queef of a president

has made us more aware.

He is begging for us to pay attention.

Trump is the guy at a house party

who is doing lines of coke

right in the middle of the living room.

Like, at least the rest of the party has the self‐awareness

to do that shit in the bathroom.

And, in keeping with the coke analogy,

he will not shut up.

"Anyone want to build a wall?

"We're gonna fucking build a beautiful wall.

"Oh, fuck yeah. I had the biggest fucking crowd

"at my inauguration. It was like the fucking biggest.

"There were, like, 100 billion people there.

"You wanna dance? Anyone wanna dance?

"Like, someone turn on music.

We should all, like, make up a dance."

[laughter]

He's the worst, uh, but his shamelessness,

brought to light things that were going on in the dark.

We can see them now.

He is like a black light at a Holiday Inn Express,

exposing America's fecal‐covered handprints

and neon cum stains.

Or even at a Ritz‐Carlton.

What, you think, uh, rich people don't jizz on remotes?

[laughter]

As a rich person, I can tell you, we do.

[laughter]

[chuckles]

[applause]

So in a fucked up way, I am thankful for Donald Trump,

because he made us pay attention.

We can't not pay attention.

When Obama became president, we got a little complacent.

I mean, we had a‐‐a cognizant,

empathetic human being in office

who didn't stare directly into the sun during an eclipse.

[laughter]

With Obama, we thought everything

was on the right track,

but the truth is, we weren't even close.

During his presidency,

Democrats lost both the House and Senate,

and nearly 1,000 state legislative seats.

He failed to prosecute a single Wall Street criminal

who caused the 2008 financial crisis,

he authorized drone strikes

that killed nearly 4,000 people,

and he only predicted the Men's NCAA basketball champion once

in eight years.

I mean, come on, Barry.

Even I picked more winners,

and I fill out my bracket based on who has the hottest coach.

[laughter]

Look, Trump may not be the president we want,

but he may be the president we deserve.

The constant reminder that democracy takes effort

and must be protected.

He represents a cancer that a‐‐

that's always right below the surface in this country‐‐

racism, xenophobia, fear of other‐‐

but at least now it's something we can see.

It's something we can point to.

He's like the black light shining on our jizzy, jizzy,

jizz‐stained country.

And that's what I'm grateful for.

Happy Thanksgiving, America.

Gobble, gobble.

[cheers and applause]

You know, I've often wondered what would it be like

to be the mouthpiece for an American fascist regime.

Well, wonder no more, me. Take a look!

ALL: Sarah! Sarah!

‐ I actually can say with all honesty,

President Trump did not commit a crime.

All right, next question.

‐ I can't confirm that he had a sexual relationship

with Karen McDougal, but I can confirm that he has

a sexual relationship with the Bacon McGriddle.

Next?

‐ Yeah, sorry, that was miscommunicated.

He promised to get the best peephole.

It's actually‐‐ it's a hole

in the women's bathroom that he can look through

when he's punching his penis.

Ah.

Nope. Next question. Dummy?

‐ Well, you know, he wasn't shown love

in his formative years, and he was taught

that his only value was money, you know,

and he didn't earn his money.

You know, he was constantly given it from his father...

That's when he, like, started, you know,

gold‐plating everything and wearing suits

that matched his car, and he never really

emotionally grew past, like, eight years old...

His mother had this, like, odd disdain for him,

and because of it, he‐‐ he, you know,

reenacted the trauma through copying her hair.

ALL: Sarah. Sarah. SARAH: Who else?

‐ Yeah.

You know why?

[whispering] 'Cause I'm fucking crazy.

ALL: Sarah. ‐ Yes. Pencil Neck.

‐ The future! Jerry, did you hear that?

How cute is that? Sweetie, it's the end of days.

All right, I gotta go.

Uh, don't be enemies of the people.

Peace!

[Psychic Friend's "We Do Not Belong" plays]

[Psychic Friend's "We Do Not Belong" plays]

‐ You know, a lot of people are saying,

"Where's your dad this season?"

And here's my answer: He's right here!

Soak him up before he's gone.

The older you get, the older your parents get,

and God willing, if things happen

in the natural order, they will die.

Two‐thirds of Americans don't have a death plan.

That costs America 1.7 billion dollars a year.

My dad is 81, so I wanted to show you

just how important it is to take your elderly parents,

bring them on your television show,

and make a plan for their death.

‐ Jesus fucking Christ. ‐ Zip it. You're fine.

‐ Oh, shit.

SARAH: The average life expectancy

for an American male is 76.

This is my dad, and he's 81,

which means he's kept Satan waiting

for five whole years.

Hey, Dr. Spector.

‐ Hello, there. SARAH: Step one:

take him to a doctor. ‐ How are you?

DONALD: Nice to meet you. ‐ This is my dad, Donald.

SARAH: So I brought my dad to see Dr. Todd Spector.

So we're just here because he's getting old,

and I feel like we should make a plan.

TODD: Typically, what I like to do

is I like people to have what's called

an advanced directive, which is a document.

It's very simple and very clear about the way

that you would like your affairs handled

if you couldn't give an opinion about how,

usually because of a medical condition.

‐ I told my wife at what point

I would want her to pull the plug.

‐ Okay. ‐ See if I can have an orgasm.

And if I can't have an orgasm, pull the plug.

TODD: [laughing] Okay.

That's very clear.

‐ That's very disgusting.

TODD: [laughs]

I think we could put some sharp lines around it

and make it clear to anybody.

Let's say you're brought in to the hospital

and you're unconscious, and I'm standing

at the bedside and I say, "Look, it doesn't look like

"he's gonna be able to have a meaningful recovery.

"In my opinion, we should let nature

take its course and not resuscitate him."

Would that be okay with you?

‐ Oh, yeah.

‐ So that's what we refer to as "do not resuscitate."

‐ Yes, I do not wish to have invasive surgery

that will hurt me or make me uncomfortable.

‐ How about something like a breathing tube?

‐ Yeah, no.

‐ Okay. ‐ I do not want to suffer.

I do not want to live as a vegetable.

‐ You don't mind being ugly? ‐ [laughs]

All right, so I think that we have clarified

really what your end‐of‐life wishes would be.

Do you guys have any other questions for me about this?

‐ How soon can this happen? ‐ [laughs]

‐ My dad has these really weird elbows.

They're, like, filled with fluid.

I don't know if you could take a look.

‐ Of course.

SARAH: They're like bags of water or something.

Like, is that something he could donate?

TODD: That is probably not something that anybody

would put in their body, but it is not dangerous.

It'll never cause you any problems.

‐ It's got so much fluid in there,

you could, like, solve the Flint crisis.

Will you also look at his feet

or just one of his feet, even just to look at it?

TODD: Happy to. Happy to.

DONALD: They cut off three toes,

and they took one of the toes and they cut it up

and they put two stumps there.

TODD: It looks like you have had a very good doctor

working on your feet in the past.

DONALD: Oh, I have.

‐ I mean, maybe you could‐‐ this could be something

that you think about donating.

‐ To a medical school?

‐ No, to the circus.

‐ You little shit.

♪ ♪

SARAH: Okay. Well.

Thank you so much.

This has been heavy, kind of.

But you know what, Dad?

I think I know the perfect place

that's gonna cheer you up.

♪ ♪

Just kidding. I took him to a mortuary.

♪ ♪

And I invited my step‐mom, Janice,

who's been married to my dad for over 40 years

and who will never be my real mother, never.

Let's go check it out.

GIO: Hello, Sarah. ‐ Hey, Gio.

Thank you for meeting with us.

‐ Hey, nice to meet you too.

‐ It would be illegal to just bury him

in a shallow grave in our yard, right?

‐ Why?

‐ Don't worry about why.

It's hypothetical.

‐ Do you have any caskets where Janice can be

on top of me, when she dies?

‐ Not necessarily that way, but what we do is double‐vault.

‐ No, I want her on top of me.

‐ You want‐‐you don't‐‐ ‐ Why?

‐ Oh, 'cause she's so sweet and nice.

‐ Yeah. [chuckles]

‐ He can get cremated too, right?

GIO: Yes, there's also cremation options

that we provide.

‐ Could we shoot his ashes from a cannon‐‐

wait for it‐‐ into another cannon?

‐ Um, there won't be any permits issued for any of that.

‐ I really want to be biodegradable somewhere,

just put in a sack.

‐ That's definitely not what I want.

Not that way. I want the nicest casket.

But I also want to be by your dad.

DONALD: Janice, we'll be dead. Just remember what I want.

♪ The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out ♪

♪ The worms play pinochle on your snout ♪

That's living, as being dead.

SARAH: Janice is getting a state‐of‐the‐art casket

with a string that rings a bell in case she's alive.

‐ Oh, thank you so much for your consideration.

‐ I know my parents. ‐ [laughs]

SARAH: We went over a ton of excellent dying options today,

so for posterity and also because I couldn't

make sense of half the things my dad said,

I asked him to make a video will

with all of his commandments.

‐ Hello, my name is Donald Silverman,

and I want to leave a living will

so that my children and our grandchildren

will know what to do when I'm at the end of my life.

I don't have anything to give anybody.

I got old clothes. I got old shoes.

If there's somebody who wants my Timex watch,

it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'.

My favorite food is a McDonald's chocolate milkshake.

If I can't enjoy that anymore, uh, pull the plug.

I don't believe that there's any heaven or hell,

so I don't need any‐‐ to be in fear.

Um, I don't care if you even come to my funeral

to celebrate my life or not or cry when I die.

Just, uh, figure that I did my best,

had a good time while I was here.

Sometimes when you're sitting around bullshitting,

talk about me a little bit and let me go as easy as possible.

That's it. I love my daughters.

I love my grandchildren. I love my Janice.

I've had a goddamn good life.

Now let me die in peace.

‐ I love you, Daddy.

DONALD: Mm!

♪ The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out ♪

♪ The worms play pinochle on your snout ♪

[cheers and applause]

[Psychic Friend's "We Do Not Belong" plays]

[applause]

‐ All my next guest needs is three chords and the truth.

And eight cups of water a day

because you have to stay hydrated,

and I'm that serious. I love his music.

Please welcome Grammy‐winning musician Sturgill Simpson.

[cheers and applause]

You've always wanted to be a musician,

you've always been a musician,

but you didn't really follow y‐your dream right away.

You‐‐you, on a whim, joined the Navy...

‐ Mm‐hmm. ‐ Didn't even put thought

into it. ‐ Not really.

SARAH: Worked at IHOP.

‐ How'd you know that?

‐ Have you seen you?

‐ Right. SARAH: Um...

Worked on the railroad!

‐ That happened.

‐ And‐‐but what is it that‐‐ like, what did it take

for you to finally follow your dream?

‐ The railroad and the military are very similar.

They're very tyrannical environments, and, uh,

uh, you know, everything‐‐

every sentence usually ends with, "Or you're fired,"

and so I just adapted very easily into that,

and, uh, after about four years, woke up

one day and found myself in a management position,

which I never really asked for,

and just sort of hit vapor lock, you know.

Just working the job and like 90‐hour weeks,

and I was just like, "There's gotta be..."

So as a‐‐as a, I guess, a stress mechanism,

for the first time in a few years, I started playing

and writing again at night.

And my wife just sort of was like, "Hey, dumbass,

"you know, you should maybe just try to...

to do that."

‐ Yeah. ‐ "You don't suck at that."

You know? I mean...

So we did. We sold all our shit and moved the Nashville,

and that was‐‐ I'm glad I listened to her,

thinking about it.

‐ Well, it's like a year ago, practically tonight,

you were busking outside the CMAs.

‐ Wow. SARAH: That was‐‐

I watched it live on Facebook.

I was giddy with excitement. It was very good.

‐ A lot of people don't even know why I did that.

Um, it was really a reaction to a blanket statement

that they issued about‐‐

it was right after the Vegas massacre,

and they sa‐‐the CMA sent out a blanket statement

to any and all‐‐any press saying that there's gonna be

no questions about gun control or President Trump or any‐‐

you know, basically, like...

"Don't talk about anything about making money,"

because this is a sales convention.

All these awards‐‐

‐ It's a fucking sales convention!

‐ Yeah. ‐ If it was really about

country, country is about being outlaw,

being badass, telling the truth. ‐ But look, it's not just them.

‐ Being raw. ‐ It's all.

Like, whether it's the American Music Awards,

the Grammy Awards, like all these things exist

to sustain the music business.

They don't exist to...

it's‐‐it has little to nothing to do

with the artist being recognized.

‐ I would say country music‐‐

you'd know more than me‐‐

STURGILL: Not really. I‐‐ ‐ Like, the Country Music Awards

would be more careful about that

because the people who fill their coffer, specifically,

are more NRA‐based and shit like that.

‐ Absolutely. You ca‐‐

SARAH: But I wouldn't say the artists are.

‐ Yeah, they're‐‐you know, you can't...

be mad at them for not wanting to isolate their fan base,

but that's‐‐ ‐ I can.

I can do whatever the fuck I want.

STURGILL: Yeah, no.

To answer your question, it's something

that I've come to realize that I just‐‐

I don't know how much I have, even left to contribute

to that conversation at this point in my career, 'cause I‐‐

It has nothing to do with me, or what I'm doing,

and they've‐‐they've made it very clear

they want nothing to do with me, so it's just‐‐

I see it as a blessing now, really.

'Cause there's all these other avenues and paths

that "country musicians" maybe‐‐

I don't‐‐I‐‐we just finished a record last week

I've been working on for a year.

It's definitely not a country record.

You know, I can't question these things.

You just gotta put art on your timeline, first,

and all the other shit really doesn't matter,

I guess is what I've come to see and realize.

SARAH: We have to know what genre you are

to list you in iTunes.

[laughter]

‐ Yeah. SARAH: You wrote a song

about me, um...

I like to think it's about me.

It's called "Oh, Sarah."

Is your wife's name Sarah? Yes.

But that's a coincidence and that doesn't mean...

[laughter]

That it's about her. ‐ No.

‐ It's not even about Sarah, because you're‐‐

‐ It's all about me. ‐ It's all about fucking you!

‐ [laughs] Right. ‐ You're just talking to Sarah.

‐ Right. ‐ So will you sing...

[groans]

A little of it?

And I'm gonna pretend

that you're talking to me.

[laughter]

‐ You're totally blowing your chance

of being my wife's best friend, but yeah, I'll‐‐

‐ What? Come on! Sarah 1 and Sarah 2!

She's Sarah 2.

[laughter]

‐ Damn.

‐ All right, we owe Sarah

for you even fucking being here.

In the world.

[playing "Oh, Sarah"]

♪ ♪

‐ ♪ Oh, Sarah, here we go again ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I can't get past the pain ♪

♪ Of what I want to say to you ♪

♪ I'm too old now to learn how to let you win ♪

♪ So I run away just like I always do ♪

♪ ♪

♪ She said if there's something I should know ♪

♪ Tell me now ♪

♪ Before I go and give my heart away ♪

♪ ♪

♪ So I can get on with my life ♪

♪ You can go on with your strife ♪

♪ Wish you'd speak the words those eyes are trying to say ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Sometimes this life feels like ♪

♪ A big old dream I'm floating around on ♪

♪ A cloud inside ♪

♪ When my cloud starts coming ♪

♪ Apart at the seams ♪

♪ Oh, Sarah ♪

♪ That's when I slide ♪

♪ ♪

MAN: Yeah!

[cheers and applause]

‐ Thank you so much, Sturgill!

Sturgill Simpson, everybody.

[cheers and applause]

Oh, my gosh.

Thank you to Sturgill Simpson,

my step‐mom, my dad, and his disgusting foot.

Well, that's the end of our season.

I can't believe I made it through the entire season

without making a single mistake.

Good night, America. I lurve you.

[cheers and applause]

People of color, in addition to their own ex‐‐

uh, per‐‐uh, fuck my shit, cunt, twat.

So per‐‐ all right, fuck, shit.

Dru‐‐their‐‐ fucking cunt, shit, fuck.

Fuck. Fuck me. Shit.

Hold on! Shit. Fuck.

Fuck me. Shit. Cunt. Cunt.

Cunt. Sorry.

Shit! Shit. Shit.

I can feel myself sweating.

I can feel it squirting out the top of my head.

Fuck, cunt, shit.

Oh, I wonder if I'll get those sweat circles

like men do in these shirts.

Fuck! God damn it!

Oh, fuck!

Fuck me! Excuse my language.

What if I mess up again?

We're just gonna do this for infinity?

I did so well for so long.

[gentle guitar music]

♪ ♪

[whip cracks]

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