Original subtitles

‐ Well, we all know the big news yesterday:

It ain't ogre till it's ogre.

"Shrek" is getting rebooted.

But, you know, everyone's gonna be covering that,

so let's talk about the midterms.

Here's what Trump said.

‐ It was a big day yesterday,

an incredible day,

and last night the Republican Party

defied history.

‐ Shh. Not today, Satan.

Even breaking up with Jeff Sessions

for the tenth time won't distract us from this.

Because whether you're talking "Shrek" or the midterms,

it was a big night for donk‐ays!

I'm usually not good at, uh, accents,

but that was pretty good.

Regardless of your party affiliation,

we got a bunch of new faces in the House,

and 33 of them are women.

Yeah, sure, I don't agree with all of them,

but I don't agree with all the women in my Lamaze class.

They don't even think I should be there.

I'm like, "I'm sorry I'm not pregnant."

Plus, we elected the first openly gay governor,

two Native American congresswomen‐‐

one of them gay‐‐

and two Muslim congresswomen‐‐

one of who will be the first to wear a hijab.

This is a grab bag of Republican worst nightmares.

It's like a congressional caravan.

They could be hiding Middle Easterners

and people with ethics in there.

But I gotta hand it to Wisconsin Republican cheesedick

Scott Walker.

It looks like he lost, but he's taking it‐‐

what's the opposite of in stride?

He retweeted this meme from your Aunt Carol

who collects Precious Moments figurines and breeds Corgis.

Let us be glad indeed.

And we should be glad. Look at the big picture here.

Democrats are so defeatist,

they can't even act like they won when they won.

They fucking won.

And even in places where they lost,

there were huge gains.

Think of it this way, without Bernie's presidential loss,

we wouldn't have had, uh, all these democrats

pushing for a livable minimum wage

or Medicare for all.

And, yes, Beto lost in Texas,

but his presence increased Democratic turnout statewide

and flipped two House seats blue.

Also, if we look at some of these Republican victories,

are they really victories?

I mean, we're talking several seats

won by indicted criminals

and racists funded by Nazis.

Brothel owner Dennis Hof may have won a Republican seat

in the Nevada State House this week,

but he died,

like, a month ago.

Republicans literally elected a ghost pimp.

But winning the House is an incremental victory.

If you wanna compare that to something,

and stay with me here,

look at the Tea Party‐‐

minus the conspiracy theories and lack of decency

and founding father cosplay, faux righteousness,

and, you know, just open racism.

They used to be the far‐right fringe.

Then they fought, they persevered,

and they took the House in 2010.

And now they've become the GOP establishment.

Let's be the left's version of the Tea Party.

The Chai Tea Party.

In on other way but their perseverance.

This is a win, so let's celebrate.

This is Red Bull, by the way.

We still have a lot of work to do.

All right, I fucking love you guys.

Whoops. I Beto'ed.

What a badass. Whelp, see you in a sec.

[Psychic Friend's "We Do Not Belong" plays]

♪ ♪

MAN: ♪ Shave it off, stay alive, open wide ♪

♪ Show us how to conquer first and then divide ♪

CHORUS: ♪ Don't know if we're stayin' long, stayin' long ♪

♪ Used to staying weak ♪

♪ And now we're staying strong ♪

♪ We don't wanna go where we do not belong ♪

♪ Lonely as the day is long, day is long ♪

[cheers and applause]

‐ What? Wow.

Oh, my goodness.

Whoa!

I just got a‐‐

got a little glimpse of myself in the monitor.

I am looking foine!

Noice. [scattered laughter]

Sorry. I saw myself in the monitor.

I look really good. [laughter]

Well, it was a crazy night across the nation,

and no place was crazier than the shit show that is Florida.

But while everybody was distracted by the fact

that Andrew Gillum lost the governor's race

to "proud boy with a job" Ron DeSantis,

something good happened.

Florida passed an amendment

that restores voting rights for over a million ex‐felons,

which is a really big deal

because during the midterms, quite a few people‐‐

about 6.1 million people nationally‐‐

could not vote due to their criminal record.

Which got me thinking,

I have a criminal past.

I have a history of criminal behavior.

One day when I was 20, a friend and I were,

uh, in a car filled with marijuana smoke.

Said smoke came from within our lungs.

[laughter]

The next thing we knew, we got pulled over,

but we were only a little bit scared

because without knowing it consciously,

in our bones, we were aware of our privilege.

We rolled down the window and the stench of weed

literally punched this cop in the face.

[laughter]

He told us to find the registration card

while he went back to his patrol car to run our plates,

but instead, we started to sing along

to Tracy Chapman's "Fast Car"

with coordinated dance.

And when he knocked on the window,

we were both like, "Gah!"

We were so stoned and so privileged,

we honestly forgot we had even been pulled over.

And here's how the story ends:

we got off with a warning.

Nothing. We got to keep driving.

Driving in her car. ♪ Speed so fast ♪

♪ Felt like I was drunk ♪ Sorry.

God, that is such a good song.

I wish I could sing more, but we simply can't afford it.

This is what it is like for white people.

It is why we like cops.

Some of us even wanted to be them when we grew up.

At my small New Hampshire kindergarten,

it was in the top three

of things we wanted to be when we grew up‐‐

with firefighter and butt doctor.

[laughter]

But we didn't know that cops were white‐people protectors.

I didn't realize that if we had been two young people of color,

the outcome would likely have been very different‐‐

possibly leading to jail time,

possibly changing the course of our lives forever.

We definitely would not have gotten into butt doctor school.

That is for sure. [laughter]

And here's the thing, as a nation, we love to jail.

The United States is only 5% of the total world population,

but we incarcerate 25% of all the world's prisoners.

We currently have 2.3 million people in jail.

Our threshold for what is criminal is very low.

Driving with a suspended license, jail.

Cashing a bad check, jail.

Slug with a shell on its back, snail.

[laughter] That was a test.

I was testing you to see if you were listening.

We love to jail,

and if you are a person of color,

the chance you'll get arrested is exponentially higher.

Everything about our justice system is uniquely designed

to punish minorities and poor people.

It just is.

Take, uh, you know, minor drug charges.

Half of all federal prisoners are in jail for drug offenses.

Half.

And even though African Americans and whites

use drugs at similar rates,

black people are six times more likely than white people

to go to prison for it.

If you're wondering what just happened

to the rest of the white potheads in that graphic,

don't worry about them.

They're at a Dave Matthews concert.

[laughter]

♪ We are white and entitled ♪

[laughter] That was really good.

[sighs]

Meanwhile, good old GOP John Boehner

is now sitting on the board of a major weed distributor.

That is right.

The old, rich Republican who once said

he was "unalterably opposed" to legalizing weed

is now making money off of weed.

The same drug that black and brown people

are still in jail for

under legislation he supported throughout his career.

I would call it hypocrisy, but punishing minorities

for doing the same shit old white men make money off of

is basically the GOP platform.

It is like if Mike Pence suddenly opened

a chain of gay bars. [laughter]

Oh, my God, he could go in by himself without Mother.

[laughter]

Okay, if we're talking about our absurdly racist

and classist justice system, we cannot leave out cash bail.

Under our current system, almost half a million people

are waiting in jail for a trial

that could take weeks or months or even years to begin.

They are serving time before they've even been to trial.

Guess who isn't in jail?

People with enough money to post bail

or hire a good lawyer.

It is not "innocent until proven guilty."

It is "guilty until proven not poor."

Think about that.

There are innocent people behind bars

simply because they can't afford bail,

and there are guilty people walking around freely

because they can.

Half a million people in jail are awaiting trial.

To put that in context,

Six Flags sells over 15,000 funnel cakes every single day.

[clears throat] Okay, you know what?

That is‐‐I don't think that's a good comparison.

I don't know why I chose that. That‐‐that's not good.

It seemed light and fun at the time.

I don't know.

The question we have to ask ourselves is:

what is the purpose of prison?

Because if it is to rehabilitate people,

we are failing miserably.

But if it's to make money off of bodies

that we have trained ourselves to no longer see as human,

then we're killing it.

We lock up so many people,

state prisons can't even hold them all.

So the government pays private prisons

to take the rest.

And private prisons are a five billion dollar industry.

Five billion motherfucking dollars.

And the danger of this business being lucrative

is that incentivizes putting people in prison

and keeping them there.

The more people they lock up, the more they get paid.

And the private prison industry will continue to thrive

under our "tough on crime" president.

The prison industry and Trump scratch each other's backs

and their mutual success

is garnered on the backs of prisoners.

Trump promised to reverse Obama's plan

to phase out private prisons, and because of that,

major private prison corporations

like GEO Group and CoreCivic

donated massive amounts of money

to Republican PACs to get 'em elected,

and they did.

And the very day Trump was elected,

the stocks of those two corporations shot up.

It is evil. It is "other countries do this,

not us" evil. But then you remember,

we're the "rip children away from their mothers" country,

and it all makes sense. [laughter]

Trump thrives on fear.

He's your protector

and everyone else is a potential threat.

Democrats, the media,

minorities, facts.

[laughter]

He's even criminalizing refugees.

He is turning a group of migrants seeking asylum

into a fresh stream of "criminals."

And guess what?

There is money to be made there too.

The private prison company GEO Group

has over 470 million dollars in ICE contracts.

And if we don't treat our own citizens well in prison,

just imagine how we will treat undocumented immigrants.

Trump wants you to see danger,

but make no mistake, he is seeing dollar signs.

Follow the money.

GEO Groups top donations this year are

to the three Texas congressmen who determine funding

for immigration detention centers and private prisons.

As long as there is money to be made

in keeping people behind bars,

we will find a way to call people criminals.

In Los Angeles, it's currently against the law

to sleep in your car.

That's our solution to homelessness?

How is sleeping a crime?

People are their least dangerous

when they're sleeping. Look at this little guy.

[laughter] Aww.

Aww, genocide is exhausting.

[laughter]

Look. I am a criminal.

The amount of weed I smoked before legalization

could fill a stadium,

and yet black people and brown people

are serving long sentences

for doing what I do every single night before bed.

I'm talking about smoking weed, not masturbating.

Masturbation's illegal, then put me in cuffs.

Just keep one arm free. [laughter]

I guess that's probably not how cuffs work.

Fuck it. I don't even need my hands.

I'll just use the corner of my cot.

[laughter]

Our justice system upholds the status quo

for the white and powerful,

because in America,

sleeping while homeless is a crime,

walking while black is a crime,

but being white and high off your ass

in your stepfather's car is a childhood memory.

[cheers and applause]

You know, all trilogies need an epic conclusion.

"Return of the Jedi." "Return of the King."

Here is part three of my interview with President Trump,

"Return of the Dipshit." Take a look.

[dramatic music]

‐ Describe your perfect day.

‐ A perfect day is I wake up at 6:30

and I got a smooth one.

Not some wet blast that blows me out of the toilet

for, like, a half hour, you know?

‐ Right, right.

TRUMP: Something that drops quickly, okay?

Something big. Big boom.

Like, you know, Hiroshima. One drop, and it's done.

SARAH: Big boom‐boom. ‐ Big boom‐boom.

I send some tweets,

and then nobody bothers me for three hours.

Oh, and I have cake for breakfast!

‐ I remember hearing a story about you

picking up Don Jr. for a Yankees game and‐‐

‐ Punched him right in the face.

He showed up, and he was in his sweats.

And I was in my suit.

And I was like, "The hell are you doing?

"We're going to the Yankees game.

"Joe Torre's gonna be there.

"Okay? Oil Can Boyd

"and the guy from 'Field of Dreams.'

You're embarrassing me."

So I punched him right in the face,

and he went back like it was, like that movie,

"Something About Mary," just funny,

just, he went back and fell.

‐ Well, I wish I could say it's been an honor,

but it has been an interesting experience.

And, um, thank you for...

‐ Sarah. So great to meet you. SARAH: Ugh.

TRUMP: Wow, incredible. By the way,

I got tons of upskirts while we were talking.

‐ I think you're abhorrent, and you break my heart,

and I think you're a bad man with no ideology,

and just human garbage to the core,

and I really don't like to think of people that way,

but I do think of you that way,

and I do believe that, if there were hell,

which there isn't, you would be going to hell.

‐ It was great to talk with you, Sarah.

SARAH: Great to talk to you. ‐ Real pleasure.

So wonderful. SARAH: Thank you.

‐ There we go. She's leaving, folks.

Unbelievable, let me tell you that.

♪ ♪

[cheers and applause]

[Psychic Friend's "We Do Not Belong" plays]

[cheers and applause]

‐ I know Jeff Sessions is out, but I don't want you to worry.

I'm stepping up and assembling

my very own religious task force.

Take a look.

I'm here with representatives

of the five biggest religions in America,

and today, we're gonna find out once and for all, definitively,

which religion is right through a game of horse.

Did it go in?

[upbeat dance music]

Playing for Christianity at 5'5 1/2",

her favorite book is probably the Bible,

from the Bel Air Church,

make it loud for Pastor Kim Dorr!

KIM: Christianity is all about Jesus.

We believe he died for us

so that our relationship with God can be restored.

We believe that we're saved by grace.

SARAH: Repping hard for Islam, at 5'10",

the founding president of Bayan Claremont

Islamic Graduate School,

the beast that only shoots facing east,

Imam Jihad Turk.

‐ God is one.

He's creative, beautiful, loving,

and you should try and be a good person.

SARAH: He's here for the Hindus.

At 5'9", the senior teacher

at the Chinmaya Mission in Los Angeles.

In another life, he was Wilt Chamberlain.

Give it up for Swami Ishwarananda.

SARAH: Playing for Buddhism, coming in at 5'2".

When he's meditating, he believes we're all one.

When he's fouled, he gets an and‐one.

Lose your shit for Rimban William Briones.

‐ Buddhism is about becoming aware of yourself,

becoming enlightened,

becoming aware of our own ignorance.

This is what all Buddhists aspire to.

SARAH: Representing Judaism, standing at a height of 5'11",

his cross‐over will leave you wandering the desert

for 40 years, Rabbi Noah Farkas.

NOAH: Judaism is a transformative religion

that says that your tomorrows

don't have to look like your yesterdays.

Through a covenant with God,

we can all love each other more.

SARAH: Playing for atheism,

coming in at 5'7", you know her

from her Hulu show "I Love You, America"‐‐

because you're watching it right now, suckas‐‐

give it up for me, Sarah Silverman.

There's probably no God.

Can't imagine there is one,

and I'm more into, like, science and love.

All right, let's do this.

Whoever makes the shot,

the following player has to copy it.

If you miss, you get a letter.

If you spell horse, you are out.

Last man or probably woman standing wins,

and we will know once and for all...

[horse neighs]

I'm gonna go first.

You've gotta do everything I do.

Dribble twice.

Draw a picture of Mohammed.

Kidding. ‐ [chuckles]

‐ And then say, "Tom Skerritt's underrated!"

[upbeat music]

Easy‐peasy titty squeezy.

[laughter]

‐ Tom Skerritt's underrated.

‐ Whoa‐ho! ‐ Tom Skerritt is underrated.

Whoo! ‐ Shanti.

‐ [laughs] ‐ Ooh.

ALL: Oh! MAN: So close!

‐ E‐mam Jihad. ‐ Imam Jihad.

‐ Imam Jihad? ‐ Yeah.

‐ What, are you from the Midwest of the Middle East?

‐ So this is an homage to Jamaal Wilkes,

an old Lakers player.

♪ ♪

‐ Oh, my God, he missed foul shots too?

‐ [laughs]

‐ So there are no happy crocodiles.

‐ I feel like rats seem okay.

Their threshold for happiness is so low.

‐ Okay.

‐ They love garbage and subways

and my apartment.

‐ Me not going to be a crocodile again.

[groans] ‐ [chuckles]

‐ You know why Buddha doesn't vacuum under the sofa?

‐ Why? ‐ He has no attachments.

Yes! SARAH: [laughs]

‐ We're Pure Land Buddhists.

It's from Japan almost 800 years ago,

and there are many traditions of Buddhism,

so I can only speak for our tradition.

‐ Are there any kind of leaders of that‐‐

‐ No, that's the problem.

We don't have anyone charismatic.

‐ I mean, I'm free. ‐ [laughs]

‐ Not free, I mean available. ‐ Yeah.

‐ No attachment. SARAH: [gasps]

ALL: [cheering]

‐ Just quickly, do you believe

there's a two‐state solution that could happen?

[all laugh]

‐ We've actually talked about it.

We both believe that there should be

a home for Palestinians.

‐ Yeah. ‐ And a home for Jews.

‐ You guys are friendly, right? BOTH: Yeah.

‐ And you do a lot of events together?

I mean, what is your hummus budget?

Some of you don't eat beef, some of you don't eat pork,

but all of you are gonna eat my shorts.

[laughter]

‐ Can a Muslim do a Hail Mary?

ALL: Oh!

SARAH: No way.

[laughter]

SARAH: Ugh.

Terrible.

If you achieve enlightenment

during this game, that's cheating.

‐ Oh, jeez. I guess not.

KIM: I was raised in a Christian home,

but my family had no knowledge of Jesus.

No knowledge of scripture.

When I was 30, I walked into church not believing,

and I walked out given the gift of faith.

I'm gonna try the layup.

SARAH: I'm obsessed with Christianity.

I mean, I'm sexting with a Jesuit priest right now.

Let's be honest. I really am.

‐ Help me, Lord, help me.

‐ I mean, he would maybe call it texting.

[laughter]

Where's your God now, Pastor?

‐ Let us work out our karma.

SARAH: Oh! ‐ There we are.

Cool! ‐ All right.

My first time in Israel, I was 15,

and it was the first place in the world

where I felt normal.

‐ Yeah, Israel is just, like, jam‐packed with Jews.

‐ It's like New York, only‐‐ ‐ Only less religious.

‐ Thousands of years of Jewish tradition,

it all comes down to my karma.

[buzzer sounds, horse neighs]

‐ Oy, I'm out! [buzzer sounds]

‐ We're gonna reclaim "Allahu Akbar"

to mean something good. God is great.

ALL: Oh!

‐ God is great.

[grunts] SARAH: But your shot isn't.

[buzzer sounds, horse neighs]

We're down to three.

Sorry, this is a real sausage fest.

‐ [grunts] ‐ [laughs]

SARAH: Ooh!

Oh!

‐ [grunts]

♪ ♪

SARAH: Oh!

ALL: Oh!

ALL: Oh!

[buzzer sounds, horse neighs]

‐ And then there were two.

‐ Here you go.

♪ ♪

‐ He's amazing. SARAH: This is it.

If he misses it, this game is over

and Hinduism is the only true religion.

No pressure.

‐ Pressure's on.

♪ ♪

ALL: Oh! [buzzer sounds, horse neighs]

[uplifting piano music]

‐ Hinduism! Who ever thought?

Congratulations. [heavenly choral music]

Hinduism is the one true religion.

Or... [music slows down]

I do have an idea. We could do sudden death.

I take this shot, and if I make it,

no God.

Here we go.

This is for all the marbles

in a made‐up game that I created.

[heavenly choral music]

♪ ♪

ALL: [gasping]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

‐ [laughs, inhales] I did it!

Yes!

There's no God! [laughs]

No God, motherfuckers.

[Psychic Friend's "We Do Not Belong" plays]

[cheers and applause]

[Psychic Friend's "We Do Not Belong" plays]

‐ We all know him as a brilliant host,

but how is he as a guest? Let's find out.

Please welcome my friend, hilarious comedian,

and host of "Real Time with Bill Maher,"

the man to my left, Bill Maher.

‐ Hey. [cheers and applause]

Hi.

[applause continues]

Hello, show business.

‐ You're on my show. ‐ Yes.

And you're gonna be on my show Friday.

‐ I am. ‐ [laughs]

‐ [sighs] ‐ It looks a little suspicious.

‐ I hope they both go great. ‐ Yeah.

[laughter]

‐ You said this is a‐‐ uh, what is it?

"Win or go home" election.

‐ "Win or go home," yeah. ‐ Did we win or go home?

[both laugh] ‐ Well, of course,

I was saying that to get people to vote,

especially the young people. Did you vote?

Yeah, I'm sure you did. [cheers and applause]

So... [clears throat] But the truth is,

we, uh‐‐we postponed the, uh... [laughs]

Doomsday for a little while.

Uh, you, I saw, gave a very cogent reason

to be optimistic.

Let me just present the other side.

Just so that they hear both. SARAH: Mm‐hmm.

‐ 'Cause I think optimism is very dangerous

in the era of Trump.

The Democrats did take the House.

That's good, of course.

But...

I mean, considering that,

you know, it's an election about Trump,

not only the‐‐ maybe the worst president,

but possibly the worst human... SARAH: Mm‐hmm.

[cheers and applause] I've known ever‐‐

you know... [clears throat]

Seen on the stage.

They did what has happened before in midterm elections.

Not the first time it flipped the script, you know?

So I was hoping we do better.

I was hoping we would win the Senate.

I gave a rather large donation for that,

which, of course, didn't really pay off.

SARAH: Do they give you money back

when that doesn't happen or...?

[laughter]

‐ Fuck no.

But I got a nice call from Chuck Schumer

So‐‐so that was worth a million dollars.

[laughter]

‐ Whoa. BILL: But, uh, what's good is,

he lost the suburbs. SARAH: Yeah.

‐ You know, what we saw in this election is that

the divide between the country mice

and the city mice,

even more outrageous now.

We have nothing in common, apparently.

The people in the rural areas

versus the people in the cities.

The people in the suburbs,

they are physically in the middle of that,

and they are intellectually in the middle of that,

and politically.

That's who the "Independent" voter is.

He had those in 2016.

They didn't like a lot of things about him,

but they were the people who went,

"Well, I don't follow politics that much,

"but we need somebody new in there

that blah, blah, blah."

You know, change it up, break things.

You know, "we need a bull in the china shop."

Then they found out they're the china...

[laughter]

And they don't like it.

‐ Like, if you put pe‐‐ kids in cages,

that's not enough for everyone to say,

"This is madness"?

‐ Yeah, I mean, there's a lot of atrocities

that have gone on in this administration,

but the worst is this threat to democracy.

The worst is somebody who has gotten away

with going to war against the FBI.

SARAH: Just right in front of our fucking faces,

and then firing Sessions today,

the second he knows he's got the Senate secure...

‐ Yeah.

‐ And that's to go after Mueller, right?

‐ Well, of course. And appointing‐‐

I‐I‐‐this guy.

You know, we did a bit once on our show about the movie "Gus."

Do you remember the movie "Gus"?

‐ No. BILL: It was a Disney movie,

and it was about a field‐goal‐kicking mule.

[laughter]

You remember it.

And the reason why we were talking about it,

'cause the premise of the movie was that

it was not specifically written in the rule book...

MAN: [laughs]

‐ That guy understands where I'm going.

It was not specifically written in the rule book

that you couldn't have a mule on a football team.

SARAH: [laughs] ‐ So‐‐and, of course,

the mule can kick well. So he became Gus the‐‐

[laughs] Football‐‐

field‐goal‐kicking mule. And this is Trump.

If it's not specifically written‐‐

there are so many things we just never used to do

because we were like, "Nobody would ever do that."

And then he does them all.

And appointing a new attorney general,

a guy who a year ago wasn't even in the Justice Department,

a guy who's plainly a stooge, it's again "Gus."

It's not specifically written in the rule book...

SARAH: That's "Gus." ‐ So he does it.

‐ The great "Gus" analogy.

‐ The "Gus" Analogy, it explains it all.

[scattered applause]

‐ He was giving a‐‐ Wednesday, he was like,

uh, shitting on, you know, any ma‐‐

any kind of, um, centerist Republicans

that wouldn't suck his dick,

and then basically we're left with Democrats

and extreme right extremists. BILL: Well‐‐

‐ So where do those centerist Republicans go?

‐ There haven't been centerist Republicans for many years.

That's an endangered species.

we just have the ones‐‐

‐ You wouldn't say McCain was? No?

‐ He just was a guy who had‐‐ who had a sense of honor,

uh, but he did s‐‐ he did things we didn't like

all along the way. SARAH: Absolutely.

‐ I mean, when he had to win an election,

he wasn't above going to the border

and calling for a wall, as I recall.

Um, his widow, Lindsey Graham, that's‐‐

[laughter]

That‐‐that's a different story. I mean‐‐

‐ Thank you for saying that on this show.

You have a show Friday. ‐ Oh, I'll use it again.

‐ Oh, okay. [laughter]

‐ I didn't even... [laughs]

‐ It is one‐‐ ‐ [stammers] If you like it,

I'll repurpose it.

What the‐‐what the fuck? ‐ Oh, my God. Sorry.

His widow Lindsey Graham. ‐ Yeah, yeah.

I mean, he was‐‐ he was a‐‐

said some horrible things about Trump.

I mean, some wonderful things about Trump,

but horrible about him,

and now he's his biggest enabler.

‐ You know, sometimes I watch the, uh, press conferences,

and it drives me crazy.

And I wish, like, comics... BILL: Yeah.

‐ Could take over for the reporters.

I wish you could be in there... BILL: Yes, I‐‐

‐ Asking the questions and the follow‐ups,

and figuring out how to craft. ‐ [sighs]

No, they're not good at it,

and they haven't learned how to do it.

One reporter at‐‐ sometime when he says,

"You guys are just so negative,"

just please say back to him, "We're not being negative.

"You lie.

You tell obvious lies and we have to report that."

So it's not going to get better,

and every article they write about Donald Trump

should start with "Donald Trump,

Who Suffers from Malignant Narcissism..."

SARAH: Yes. Yes. ‐ And then go on with your...

[cheers and applause]

‐ So, Beto... ‐ Yeah.

‐ O'Rourke... ‐ Okay.

‐ Lost to... [cheers and applause]

Greasy penis nose. ‐ [laughing]

SARAH: And‐‐but his numbers were good.

And he‐‐he came close,

and I think he ignited excitement and stuff,

and, you know, I'd fucking love it if he ran for president.

BILL: Look, I'll consider last night a victory

if I could be assured by someone I truly trust

that at least all the elections

were on the up and up. SARAH: Yeah.

‐ Because I don't know if I trust elections anymore.

I want someone I really trust to tell me,

"Yes, he really did lose.

Stacey Abrams really did lose."

That one I really wonder about.

‐ Let me ask you this: In 2020, who's gonna beat Trump?

Because we look at the Democrats

and some people say, "Well, it has to be a centrist,"

and some people say, "Fuck it. Go all the way far."

‐ I like our governor.

I've been encouraging him to run.

I think he's presidential. ‐ Yeah.

BILL: I think Eric Holder would be a good candidate.

Kamala Harris.

You know, I mean, I like a lot of people.

I think they're gonna have an exciting field‐‐

Beto, you know, could get in that race.

‐ I think he'd be‐‐ it has to be someone

who's great at the debate part.

You know, can‐‐ ‐ Yes, exactly,

and can excite people. ‐ Who can be tough

and hold people accountable, and...

‐ And gets crowds. I mean, this is what

we should have known about Hillary Clinton.

Bernie was getting 20,000 young people.

Hillary could not fill

the function room at the Olive Garden.

I mean, it was... [laughter]

‐ Well. BILL: Well, hopefully,

the Democrats this time will understand

that, yes, crowds do matter.

You know, when you can draw a crowd, it says something

about the excitement out there.

That's why people like Beto are exciting,

and Gillum, because they draw crowds.

People are excited to vote for them.

Just get a Democrat in there.

I'm tired of losing.

SARAH: I'm honestly curious that‐‐yeah.

Thank you. [cheers and applause]

That's where we should end.

‐ [laughing]

‐ You're so good at doing this.

I'm not good at doing this. ‐ You're doing‐‐

you're fantastic at doing this.

Your show is fantastic. ‐ Thank you, Bill.

‐ You're fantastic. ‐ I was nervous

knowing you were here. ‐ Ooh, oh.

‐ Bill Maher, everybody. Thank you so much for coming.

[cheers and applause]

My thanks to Bill Maher,

Anthony Atamanuik, and all the religious leaders.

That's our show.

Now stick around for "Overtime" on YouTube.

Oh, fuck, that's your show.

My show is, good night, America.

I lurve you.

[cheers and applause]

♪ ♪

[whip cracking]

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