Original subtitles

‐ Well, he did it.

We finally have video of Trump saying the N‐word.

‐ You know, they have a word.

It sort of became old‐fashioned.

It's called a nationalist.

And I say, really, we're not supposed to use that word.

You know what I am? I'm a nationalist, okay?

I'm a nationalist.

‐ All right, not the N‐word, but an N‐word.

He went full Hitler

and admitted he's a nationalist.

We can stop calling it a dog whistle.

This is now a full‐blown, "Come here, buddy!

Come here, who's a racist boy? Yes, you are!"

And I guess the silver lining

is that Trump finally told the truth.

I mean, his bigotry is no longer masked by his rhetoric.

Ugh, it feels gross calling his dumb words "rhetoric."

It's like calling farts "pelvic wind chimes."

But by rhetoric, I mean his constant drum beat

of a loaded language that creates

convenient enemies.

"Lock her up." "Enemy of the people."

These are his mantras.

We cannot be surprised

to wake up to bombs

at the doors of his favorite targets.

Make no mistake, he has a cause,

and that cause has an effect.

This week, Trump showed his nationalism

by casting Central American refugees,

human beings literally fleeing violence and poverty,

as a fake threat to our nation,

and while most humans would see these refugees

and feel great compassion, Trump sees an opportunity

to incite fear, his most powerful motivator.

In fact, the administration is working on an even stricter

family separation policy, forcing parents to choose

between giving up their children

or going to prison as a family.

They're calling it binary choice.

Jesus Christ, I mean, even their immigration policy

sounds anti‐trans.

Trump even somehow managed to work in Islamophobia

into all of this, claiming that groups

of refugees are secretly harboring

"Middle Easterners" who I guess, I don't know,

took a plane to Honduras and then decided

to walk a thousand miles.

I mean, where does he even get these ideas?

They're so crazy and yet so familiar.

Wait a minute‐‐ this whole secret

Middle Eastern refugee conspiracy

is the plot point of my favorite novel,

"The Way of the Shadow Wolves," by esteemed author

and noted intellectual Steven Seagal.

This is real.

I'm not sure you want to take your foreign policy cues

from a book written by an '80s action star,

and if you do, why not go with Arnold Schwarzenegger

or Carl Weathers or at least someone

without a ponytail and a pocket pussy goatee?

And Trump could not have read this.

He does not read.

Seagal must have told somebody who has Trump's ear.

[flapping lips] What?

Just kidding, nothing surprises me anymore.

Vote.

[Psychic Friend's "We Do Not Belong" plays]

♪ ♪

MAN: ♪ Shave it off, stay alive, open wide ♪

♪ Show us how to conquer first and then divide ♪

CHORUS: ♪ Don't know if we're stayin' long, stayin' long ♪

♪ Used to staying weak ♪

♪ And now we're staying strong ♪

♪ We don't wanna go where we do not belong ♪

♪ Lonely as the day is long, day is long ♪

♪ ♪

‐ Oh.

[cheers and applause]

Hi, audience.

This is so crazy. Like, just to think

that in 30 years, everyone in this room

will be dead.

So I've been thinking a lot about Christianity,

and not just because I'm sexting

with a Jesuit priest, which is true.

I mean, that's part of it, but‐‐

oh, my God, can we just move on?

[laughter]

Christianity is a joyous, charitable religion.

I love Christians.

Several of my lovers have been Christian.

And I love Jesus!

He's right up there with my all‐time faves.

Mr. Rogers and Phil Donahue.

What I don't love

is when people use Christianity as a shroud.

Like when Jeff Sessions forms a religious task force

and says it's to protect freedom of religion

when it's really to roll back LGBTQ rights.

He is using Christianity as a shroud for bigotry.

Or like when businesses didn't want to pay

for insurance coverage for a female employee's

birth control, so Trump helped them out.

He said "we will not allow people of faith

to be targeted, bullied, or silenced anymore."

That is bullshit. He's lying.

And now an estimated 120,000 women

will lose access to free contraceptives.

He's using Christianity as a shroud for sexism.

And not that this should matter,

but women and girls are put on birth control pills

for myriad health reasons besides contraception.

And by the way, the same employers

that won't cover the birth control pill

do cover Viagra.

Just like Jesus would have wanted.

Because, you know, some guys need to be on Viagra

for their really heavy, painful periods.

[laughter]

Please understand that when

I single out Christianity specifically,

it's not because I want to pick on it.

It's because we live in a Christian country.

And Christianity‐‐ and more importantly,

the bastardization of it‐‐ influences law.

No other religion has such a direct influence on our laws.

And I'm not criticizing Christianity as a Jew.

I have no religion,

so please don't blame Jews for this monologue.

I know it's easy to. I blame them all the time.

I mean, they obviously control the weather, but...

[laughter]

A godless person is giving this monologue.

I mean, Jew‐y, yes, but godless.

The idea of religious freedom originally was

"come here, be a Muslim, be a Christian,

"be a Buddhist, be anything you are.

"If you come to America,

you are free to worship who and how you choose."

Now, religious freedom is used as an excuse

to, you know, not bake a cake for gay people.

Your religion should inform how you make your choices,

not justify the shitty choices you already made.

It's just more disingenuous, loophole bullshit.

It's like, um, you know, shitty kids

who make new rules to games as they're playing them.

When you play "The Floor Is Lava,"

you can't step on the floor and then suddenly say

you have secret lava‐proof boots.

That was bullshit, Brenda, and you ruined my sleepover.

[laughter]

If the thought of homosexuality makes you mad, at least say it.

Be honest, say "ew, gross, bro. No way, not me, dude.

"I have issues with your sexual orientation

"that might be tied into my own repressed hang‐ups.

"Like, I don't express myself freely,

"so I don't want you to either.

Whoa, fuck! That was a major breakthrough."

Just say all of that.

[cheers and applause]

Just say that. Don't wedge it

into a religion thing

like you're a stickler for scripture.

And if you are, then you can't pick and choose.

Like, you'd better not eat shellfish

because according to Leviticus, it's an abomination.

I'm actually with Leviticus on that one.

Eating crawfish is fucking gross.

Leviticus also says you cannot mix fibers,

so you better not be wearing a cotton‐poly blend either,

or you are going to hell.

[laughter]

If you want to spread the word of Jesus,

don't get all twisty with his teachings, quote him directly.

Preferably with a "works cited" page

that follows strict MLA style.

Especially televangelists.

Like, this may be a gross generalization,

but televangelists are the fucking worst.

They will‐‐thank you.

[laughs]

[applause]

They will take your grandma's last penny for a private jet.

"Come on, Sarah, don't exaggerate."

I'm not!

‐ The one I'm flying right now, and I've been‐‐

It's been with me 12 years.

I purchased it in January of 2006.

This was paid cash, this was paid cash, this was paid cash.

And the new ones will be paid cash, also.

It was one of the greatest statements

the Lord ever told me.

He said "Jesse, you want to come up where I'm at?"

I said, "Yes, Lord."

He said, "I want you to bleed me

for a Falcon 7X," so I said okay.

[audience groans]

‐ Just like Jesus would do.

What's the nice, Christian way of saying

"this guy's a gaping dickhole"?

Oh, I know. This guy's a gaping dickhole,

bless his heart.

[laughter]

[applause]

He's using Christianity as a shroud for greed.

In the wrong hands,

religion is an easy pass for shitty behavior.

Take this guy, Reverend Mark Harris,

who is the Republican nominee to the House

in North Carolina's 9th District.

‐ God instructs all Christian wives

to submit to their husbands.

You see, wives...

please hear me this morning.

The message is not from your husband to submit.

The message is from the Lord.

[audience boos]

‐ I'll submit.

I'll submit that you probably

already felt this way about women.

I'll submit that you popped a fucking sweet‐ass boner

when you found half a Bible verse to back it up.

And I'll submit that you, too,

are a gaping, dime‐sized dickhole.

Bless your heart.

[laughter and applause]

But my favorite example

is that Holy Bible thumper Donald Trump.

Do you honestly think Donald has Christian values?

Do you truly believe

that he follows the example put forth by Jesus?

Please, tell me what I'm missing.

I mean, let's look at the similarities

between Donald and Jesus.

Okay.

[laughter]

We got the top four answers on the board.

I'm going to go with, uh...

well, they both got help from their dad.

[bell dings]

All right.

Uh... [laughter and applause]

Okay, uh, they both hung out with sex workers.

Show me sex workers!

Ooh!

[cheers and applause]

God, two more.

Uh...

They're both...tall‐ish?

Ooh!

[laughter]

Shit, there's one more.

Uh, they care about others?

[buzzer blares]

Oh, yeah, no, okay.

Did they both call into the local news

on the 9/11 to brag about

now having the tallest building in New York City?

[buzzer blares]

I don't know, what is it?

[bell dings]

ALL: Both wore a robe. SARAH: Oh, okay.

[applause]

Hey, when did Donald Trump wear a robe?

Ugh, gross.

Look, my point is, there's really not

a lot of overlap with these two.

Trump has nothing to do with Jesus.

Like, if Trump was around in the time of Christ,

he'd probably call him "Low Energy Jesus"

and demand he prove he was born in a manger.

He pretends to be Christian

to appeal to a demographic and gain power.

Once again, it is a shroud for greed.

Jesus was the opposite of Trump.

He didn't like wealth.

He was pissed when people

were selling their wares in his temple.

He said "My house shall be called the house of prayer,

but ye have made it a den of thieves."

Oh shit, Jesus coined "den of thieves"?

Hey, MLA style. Noice!

That Jesus, what a guy. He's so eloquent.

Like, honestly, he could write for the "New Yorker."

I mean, not long reads, probably,

but definitely "Shouts & Murmurs."

You won't catch Jesus calling women "horseface."

To that, as a horseface myself, I say "neigh."

[laughter and applause]

Thank you.

So here is my plea.

If you claim to be Christian, try to be Christlike.

Which means you can't use your proximity to Jesus

to get stuff, to make money, to get votes, or build a brand.

Preach love, turn the other cheek,

feed the hungry with loaves and fishes.

Or forget loaves and fishes,

and get something really good for your fellow man,

like a make‐your‐own waffle station, or health care.

[applause]

"What would Jesus do?" is such a beautiful Christian guide

to figuring out the right thing to do.

I have a similar version, which is "What would Laurence do?"

Laurence is my therapist.

But the basic point is to aspire to be

the best version of yourself, to do what is right.

So in solidarity,

I'm going to try to be more Christlike.

I may not know how to turn water into wine,

but I do know how to turn water into pee.

So that's what I'll do. I'm doing it right now.

[cheers and applause]

Later on the show, I go to Newark

to interview Senator Cory Booker,

but while we were hanging out, we got a little hungry

and went through a drive‐thru. Check it out.

[groovy music]

♪ ♪

WOMAN: Hi, what can I get ya?

‐ I'd like to have an Ultimate Burger,

uh, with a veggie patty, and give me a Diet Coke.

‐ Uh, I will have a veggie dog

and an unsweetened iced tea, and‐‐

ooh, do you have a livable minimum wage,

coupled with, like, health care for all?

‐ Nice, nice.

WOMAN: Single‐payer or universal?

‐ Um, single‐payer's fine.

‐ And can you add a slice of vegan cheese on my burger?

And either a federal tax code that rewards workers

instead of wealthy executives,

or sensible gun safety measures?

WOMAN: I can get you both options if you'd like.

‐ Oh, sure, cheat day. ‐ Great.

‐ And you know what?

Uh, Sarah, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

‐ Definitely. ‐ Oh, I love it.

I'll have an order of large fries

and an end to mandatory minimum sentences

for nonviolent drug offenders.

WOMAN: Anything else?

‐ Chocolate shake, onion rings,

carbon tax on greenhouse gas emissions,

and another Diet Coke.

WOMAN: That'll be 14‐‐ ‐ Ooh, maybe, like,

a good man with, like, good oral hygiene, flosses.

Knows that death creeps in through the gums.

Somebody my age.

Someone who's dealt with this shit.

WOMAN: Ma'am, this is a drive‐thru,

not a miracle stand.

‐ Do you know where there is a miracle stand?

WOMAN: Please drive around.

[groovy music]

[cheers and applause]

[cheers and applause]

‐ I was feeling down about

the state of immigration in America,

so I went to New York City to visit my favorite girl.

Take a look.

[inspiring music]

♪ ♪

Oh, Lady Liberty.

If only you knew how fucked up things have gotten.

‐ Tell me about it. ‐ What the?

[loud rumbling]

Cool!

[footsteps thud loudly]

‐ Ah, that's better. I can see you now.

‐ You have an accent? ‐ Yeah, dude, I am from France.

‐ Oh, duh, I knew that, I'm sorry.

I‐‐I‐‐you know, I think I'm just starstruck,

because I loved you

in the opening titles of "Working Girl."

‐ Oh, yes, that was a fun shoot.

‐ What's Melanie Griffith like? ‐ Pretty crazy.

‐ Really?

‐ Actually, fucking crazy, yeah.

‐ Oh, my God.

And "give me your tired, your poor."

‐ Yeah, your tall, dark, and handsome.

I made that up, I'm kidding. I'm single.

Really, girl, I am.

I did used to fuck one of the guys

on Mount Rushmore, so.

And it's not the one you think!

‐ Abraham Lincoln? ‐ Oh.

Yeah, it was Lincoln.

Well, his‐his penis was rock hard!

Get it? "Rock hard," yes?

‐ Uh, no, yeah, I get it. ‐ Okay, I mean, you know.

Just because you didn't laugh, so I didn't‐‐

‐ I smiled.

‐ So what were you saying before?

You seemed upset. ‐ Oh, yeah, well.

I mean, I don't know, pick one. You know, children in cages.

Climate change damage of biblical proportions.

A liar for president. ‐ Hm.

‐ A liar on the Supreme Court.

‐ MTV doesn't play videos anymore, hello?

I mean, MTV stands for "Music Television," huh?

‐ Do you vape? Do you want some?

‐ Ooh, don't mind if I do.

[inhales]

[coughs]

[cars honking] [screaming]

WOMAN: Ah! WOMAN: Not again!

‐ Hey, if you don't cough, you don't get off, am I right?

‐ Yep.

Can I ask you something? ‐ Mm, shoot.

‐ Was America always this shitty about immigration?

‐ But of course!

Shipping Jews back to Germany

to die in the concentration camps.

Japanese internment, the Chinese Exclusion Act.

You name it. ‐ It's all so heartbreaking.

‐ It wasn't all bad. We had some fun, eh?

We'd goof off, change people's last names.

When I first came here, I was "Libertyvich."

‐ You're Jewish? ‐ Keep it down!

A little, on my dad's side, eh? ‐ Look.

I'm just saying, the White House

is making you look like an idiot.

I mean, you're standing here, this symbol of hope.

Like "give me your huddled masses," and shit.

And then people get here, and the government goes

"fuck off, huddled masses."

And it's not just xenophobic, it's racist.

Because, let's be honest, our president

is not targeting all immigrants.

He's targeting brown immigrants.

‐ Whoa, easy does it, hot pants.

‐ Ugh, @rickandmortyfan87's right.

I'm not funny anymore.

‐ Hey, what is the deal with that?

Seinfeld.

‐ You know, you‐you don't have to try

to be funny around me because I'm a comedian.

‐ Oh, no, no, I‐‐I wasn't, no.

No, I‐‐I get it.

[inhales]

Cool.

[chuckles]

So do you have kids?

‐ Uh, me? Uh, no, you?

‐ No, my pussy is made of copper.

‐ Same. ‐ But it's tight.

Like the Holland Tunnel.

‐ You know, I just‐‐ I don't know

why we have to paint immigrants as "other."

‐ As one of your past presidents said,

"Nearly all Americans have ancestors

"who braved the oceans.

"Liberty‐loving risk‐takers in search of an ideal.

"Immigration is not just a link to America's past.

It is also a bridge to America's future."

‐ That's beautiful. Obama?

‐ No, George W. Bush. ‐ No shit?

‐ Shit. ‐ Huh.

LADY LIBERTY: But then a minute later,

he said, "My feet smell like socks."

He was hit or miss.

Look, America's immigration policy

is like a‐‐ like a Nancy Meyers movie.

‐ The characters have amazing kitchens?

‐ No, it's primarily for white people.

‐ You know, I don't know how you can joke about all of this.

You are the symbol of what is great about America.

That it is a nation of immigrants.

I thought you'd be the one who cared the most about this shit.

‐ But Sarah, you said it yourself.

I am a symbol. I represent an ideal.

If you don't do the right thing,

then I'm not a symbol anymore.

I'm just a toilet for birds.

‐ Yeah, wow, you're right.

LADY LIBERTY: Birds shit a lot, and it's liquid.

Never, like, a firm shit. It's always just wet.

Very unpleasant. Anywho, it's 2:00.

There's a crowd of people waiting to climb up my asshole

and stare out my skull.

And then at 3:00, there's a tour, huh?

‐ [laughs]

LADY LIBERTY: Hey, whoa, was that a real laugh?

‐ It‐‐it was. LADY LIBERTY: Wow, look at me.

I'm a regular Sebastian Maniscalco.

‐ Hey, thanks, LL. ‐ Hey, take it easy, SS.

‐ It was good talking to you. ‐ You too, kiddo.

Wow, that pot was really strong.

I am baked. Okay, time to get up.

Let's see if we can do this. Come on, girl, you can do it.

Oh, shit, my foot is asleep.

[applause]

[cheers and applause]

‐ I went to Newark, New Jersey, to take a ride

with great senator and terrifying driver Cory Booker.

Check it out.

‐ So welcome to my neighborhood.

It's exciting that you would come.

SARAH: I know, this is very exciting.

‐ But you've been to Newark before.

‐ I've been to Newark before with you.

‐ You came, yeah, when I was mayor.

And, well, this is my neighborhood.

This is one of my favorite places in all of America.

It's where I first rented a room in a house over here.

But then, this used to be where two very large projects stood.

And I lived there for almost a decade.

SARAH: What made you come here?

‐ The community was really in struggle.

This was one of the more dangerous

neighborhoods in the city.

And I just wanted to become a part of a community

that was struggling to have what everybody should have.

You shouldn't have people shot on your street.

You shouldn't have lack of educational opportunities.

And you shouldn't even have

different criminal justice systems.

In America, you have a system that treats you better

if you are rich and guilty than poor and innocent.

In fact, the tenant president of those buildings,

a woman named Ms. Virginia Jones.

Her son was murdered in the lobby

of the building I would eventually move into.

And she never left the buildings,

because she just had this conviction that, you know,

this country is going to live up to its promise,

and I'm gonna stand in the breach.

And she fought for the community

and was one of the great mothers here.

‐ Even though I feel I know

everything there is to know about you,

I read about her and how she said,

"You cannot lead the people unless you..."

BOTH: "Love the people." ‐ Yes.

This is kind of awesome.

‐ This is like when Obama was in, uh,

"Getting Comedians with Cars with Getting Coffee,"

and he was just so excited to get to be in a car.

‐ Yeah, but see, like, I'm no Obama, and you're no...

‐ Seinfeld? ‐ Seinfeld.

‐ How dare you? ‐ I'm telling the truth.

I'm just coming with the truth today.

SARAH: I'm gonna say everything I know

about Cory Booker.

‐ This is you telling me things about me?

SARAH: Yeah, okay, so,

football star goes to Stanford.

I want to say blows out a knee, can't play,

volunteers at a suicide hotline on campus.

‐ This is far more dramatic than the reality,

is that I don't blow out a knee, thank you very much.

‐ Eh, sounded sexier. ‐ Yeah, no.

‐ What is it? ‐ Well, I rode the bench

for the first two years.

‐ Shitty at football, turns out.

‐ [laughs]

‐ He goes, "You know what?

I'm gonna volunteer at a suicide hotline."

And that's really the first time

he gets to know gay people.

He gets to know people with purple hair, pierced noses.

‐ How did you know about the purple hair people?

‐ Because you told me one time. ‐ Oh, did‐‐

‐ When we had vegetarian food. ‐ Okay.

SARAH: So‐‐ ‐ Look at this beautiful dress.

‐ Oh, my God! ‐ You look fantastic!

‐ I recognize you. ‐ This is Missy's grandpa.

‐ Oh, my gosh! ‐ Chris White, how are you?

‐ Yes. ‐ What are you doing in town?

‐ What‐‐I still live in town.

This is my friend, Sarah. ‐ Oh, it's pleasure.

‐ Nice to meet you. ‐ She came here

to discover Newark. ‐ Oh, wonderful place.

‐ And great things were invented here in this city.

‐ Like what? ‐ Patent leather.

‐ Ooh. ‐ Yes, M&M's.

‐ Is that true? ‐ That is true.

‐ I microwave them. They're incredible.

‐ You are a wise woman.

This one area I love because I stood on this street

in my late 20s, and just dreamed that one day

this street would be like a lot of hip neighborhoods

I saw in New York.

One of my favorite places is Black Swan Espresso.

African‐American woman,

local people in the community

are getting a shot at their dreams

of entrepreneurialism as well.

So this was a big moment for me.

This was the first supermarket in decades in this area.

I'm very proud. What's up, man?

Could you meet a friend of mine, Sarah?

MAN: How you doing, ma'am?

‐ She is the Richard Pryor of Jewish white women.

‐ Mm‐hmm. ‐ Yes.

‐ Yeah, that's what they say.

You know everybody here.

Like, if you weren't the mayor of Newark,

I would call you the mayor of Newark.

To me, Citizens United is like

the beginning of the death of democracy

if we don't protect it.

And you've recently come out and said

you're not gonna take, like, big money.

Big money donations. ‐ Right.

You know, I‐‐ and that was a disconnect.

I was saying "money is bad in politics,

but I'll take this corporate money."

And finally, we just said that's crazy.

I will no longer take corporate contributions.

I was the fifth senator to say that.

Now we're up to six who have said that.

We have‐‐ ‐ Yeah.

‐ We have 94 senators to go

and a whole bunch of congresspeople.

‐ A lot of people are probably asking you,

are you gonna run for president?

Are you gonna run for president?

I'm gonna go a totally different direction.

‐ Let's go in a different direction.

‐ Totally different direction, and ask you

where do you see yourself in two years?

‐ Well, I see myself, uh,

serving my country.

That sounded really awful, but it's the truth.

I will be doing what I have been doing

for my entire adult life.

Try to really help this country live up to its promise.

‐ You heard it here, folks!

‐ This is a powerful moment, because we are here

in front of this glorious statue of Abraham Lincoln.

I mean, this is our county courthouse area here.

‐ My God, he's so big. ‐ You can sit on his‐‐

in his lap, if you like.

‐ I'm gonna sit on his hand. ‐ You're sitting‐‐

[laughs]

‐ I'm just a woman trying to sit.

‐ Okay, I understand that. But anyway.

‐ Tell me about the conspiracy of love.

‐ Um, I think that what we often

don't talk about in this country,

which happens every day

millions of times around this nation,

is small acts of kindness that reverberate into history

in ways that folks don't know.

‐ But also, we have a president

that really rode a wave of fear and anger and hatred.

And do you feel like you can win his voters, his base over,

with your message of love?

Or even‐‐there are even people on the left

that are like, uh,

they look at Cory Booker, and they see him

save a lady from a burning building,

or save a dog, or shovel driveways,

and they're just like, "Fuck you!"

‐ So, first of all, to say "his voters."

I mean, they're all Americans. They're all us.

I think we've lost this understanding

that there's a common pain in this country,

and we've lost our sense of common purpose,

which has allowed people to come in

who are speaking to that pain.

And if we're not, somebody else will.

And so, yeah, Trump, I think, often divides us,

but I think it's more about who we are.

What we really need, I think, is a message of unity,

reminding us of our common values,

our common aspirations.

Yeah, our common pain,

but really pull us to a sense of common purpose.

‐ Abraham Lincoln's hand is starting to hurt me.

‐ Really? ‐ Do you want to‐‐

should we get back in the car? ‐ I‐‐I‐‐

I'm disappointed. He had big hands.

‐ Bigger than I realized. Oh, my God.

‐ Oh.

SARAH: Good night, thanks for coming!

CORY: [laughs]

[cheers and applause]

SARAH: I was so grateful to Cory Booker and Maya Rudolph

for being part of the show.

And just like that, the episode was over.

But 18 whole episodes in, I couldn't help but wonder.

Do I love America?

Or am I just saying it over and over again

to convince myself it's true?

Meanwhile, uptown, Charlotte was deciding

if she should have anal sex with her new boyfriend.

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

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