Original subtitles

>>> OKAY. I AM ROLLING.

>> MY NAME IS WILL. I ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW WHY AM I

HERE. WHAT IS THE POINT.

HOW DO I LIVE A MEANINGFUL LIFE. I WANTED TO KNOW EVERYTHING.

HASN'T EVERYBODY ASKED THEMSELVES THESE QUESTIONS?

THE TRUTH ABOUT THE MYSTERY OF THE UNIVERSE.

I WENT TO MY GREAT GRANDMOTHER'S OPEN CASKET WHEN I WAS 4 AND

BECAME FASCINATED BY THE CONCEPT OF LIFE AND DEATH.

I WAS RAISED CATHOLIC. I WAS EVEN AN ALTAR BOY.

I WAS QUITE FASCINATED BY ALL OF IT.

>> JESUS CARRIES THE CROSS. THEY'RE NAILING HIM TO THE

CROSS. THEY'RE ALL BLOODY.

>> I STARTED MAKING MOVIES WHEN I WAS A KID.

I FOUND AN EIGHT MILLIMETER CAMERA.

AT FIRST THEY WERE JUST FUN AND BLOWING THINGS UP.

I HAD GROWN UP PRETTY LUCKY. BUT AS A KID, NOBODY SEEMED VERY

CONTENT OR HAPPY TO ME. SO I DECIDED THERE WAS SOMETHING

DEEPER, A SECRET THAT NOBODY SEEMED TO KNOW.

BUT THEN I WENT TO COLLEGE AND I STARTED TO USE FILM AS A WAY TO

EXPLORE THE MEANING OF LIFE, TO EXPLORE MY WORLD.

BUT BY THE TIME I FINISHED FILM SCHOOL, I WASN'T CLOSER TO

KNOWING WHO I WAS, WHAT I WANTED, WHERE I WAS GOING AND

MOST IMPORTANTLY, WHY. THIS IS WHAT LED ME TO MY HUGE

ADVENTURE. THIS IS MY STORY ABOUT WHAT

HAPPENED TO ME ON MY 22-YEAR SEARCH FOR THE TRUTH.

¶ ¶

>> IT WAS THE MIDDLE OF THE '80s AND THE UPIE GENERATION.

WE WERE ALL SEARCHING FOR SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

>> THIS WAS NOT MY PATH. I GOT ACCEPTED INTO GRAD SCHOOL.

I WAS GOING TO GET A Ph.D. IN CHILD PSYCHOLOGY.

I HAD MY WHOLE LIFE PLANNED OUT. THEN I MET SOME OF THESE PEOPLE.

THEY WERE SO ALIVE. EVERYTHING WAS PLAYING AND

JUMPING IN ICE COLD RIVERS AND HIKING THROUGH THE FOREST AT

NIGHT AND OH, MY GOD, I WANT ME SOME OF THAT.

>> SOME OF THEM WERE SOME OF THE SMARTEST, MOST BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE

I HAD EVER MET IN MY LIFE. >> WE STARTED IT.

THIS WAS WHAT WE WANTED. IT WAS OUR LITTLE UTOPIA IN THE

MIDDLE OF THIS BIG GIANT CITY. >> CONSTANTLY YOU WERE BEING FED

LIKE YOUR SOUL WAS BEING FED WITH LOVE AND WITH INSPIRATION

AND AWE. >> I WANTED EVERYBODY, EVERYBODY

IN THE WORLD, TO EXPERIENCE THIS.

>> I CAN REMEMBER FEELING SO FULFILLED.

>> I SAID DAD, I WANT TO GIVE MY LIFE TO GOD.

AND HE WAS ON THE NEXT FLIGHT OUT THERE.

TO COME GET ME. >> THE PEOPLE THAT WERE THERE

WERE LOOKING FOR SPIRITUALITY, BUT ALL OF A SUDDEN, YOU HAD A

BUILT-IN FAMILY. >> I FELL INTO A GROUP OF THE

MOST AMAZING PEOPLE I HAD EVER MET.

IT WAS MY SISTER AMY WHO FIRST TOLD ME ABOUT HER FRIENDS WHO

CALLED THEMSELVES THE BUDDHAFIELD.

>> PEOPLE ASK ME ALL THE TIME HOW DID YOU END UP THERE.

I WAS RAISED IN CATHOLIC SCHOOL AND I ALWAYS HAD A LOT OF

QUESTIONS FOR THE NUNS. WHEN I WOULD GO HOME AND TELL MY

MOM WHAT I ASKED, SHE WOULD SAY YOU CAN'T ASK THEM THAT.

I'M LIKE NO, I WANT TO KNOW. I WANTED TO KNOW MYSELF BEYOND

THE SUPERFICIALITY OF THE WORLD I WAS LIVING IN.

LIFE CAN'T JUST BE THIS THING WHERE YOU JUST LIVE AND WORK AND

DIE. THERE'S GOT TO BE SOMETHING

MORE. >> I GREW UP WITH A FAMILY OF

REALLY EXPRESSIVE, ARTISTIC HIPPIE TYPE CHARACTERS.

I ALSO HAD NO GUIDANCE GROWING UP.

>> LIVING IN CHICAGO WHERE I GREW UP IN THE STREETS, IT WAS

VERY VIOLENT. WHEN IT CAME TO THE BUDDHAFIELD,

NOT REALLY KNOWING WHAT REAL LOVE WAS, THAT'S WHAT I STARTED

TO FEEL LIKE REALLY DEEPLY. >> I ALWAYS HAD THIS YEARNING TO

KNOW REALLY WHY WE'RE HERE. >> I GREW UP WITH A VERY

FUNDAMENTALIST, FIRE AND BRIMSTONE CHURCH WITH THE FEAR

OF GOD AND ALL. >> MY MOM KICKED ME OUT OF THE

HOUSE WHEN I WAS 15, SO YEAH, I WAS LOOKING FOR STABILITY.

WHEN I CAME TO THE GROUP, IT FELT LIKE OKAY, THIS IS GOING TO

BE FOR LIFE. IT WAS LIKE A MARRIAGE.

>> I GREW UP WITH A REAL PROBLEM WITH AUTHORITY.

MAJOR AUTHORITY PROBLEM. REALLY HASN'T CHANGED MUCH,

ACTUALLY, I HAVE TO TELL YOU TRUTHFULLY.

>> WHEN I WAS VERY VERY YOUNG I WANTED TO BE A SCIENTIST, THEN I

WANTED TO BE AN ARTIST. THERE WAS ALWAYS A RUNNING THEME

THROUGH IT THAT I WANTED TO BE ENLIGHTENED.

>> I FELT VERY LOST AND I FELT EMPTY, LIKE THERE WAS SOMETHING

MISSING. >> AS A CHILD, THERE WAS A LOT

GOING ON IN MY FAMILY. SUICIDE ATTEMPTS EVERY COUPLE

MONTHS, A LOT OF ABUSE. >> I WANTED TO BE A POLITICIAN.

>> I WANTED FREEDOM. I WANTED FREEDOM SOMEHOW FROM

THIS SELF. >> WE WERE LETTING GO OF OUR

MINDS. WE WERE DROPPING OUR EGOS.

I JUST STARTED EXPERIENCING A HIGHER PART OF MYSELF THAT WAS

BEYOND ANYTHING THAT I'D KNOWN. AND IT WAS THE TEACHER WHO WAS

GUIDING US EVERY STEP OF THE WAY.

>> THE FIRST TIME I MET THE TEACHER WAS AT ONE OF THE

BUDDHAFIELD'S WEEKLY MEETINGS IN WEST HOLLYWOOD.

I WAS TOLD HIS NAME WAS MICHEL. >> HE JUST WAS SOFT AND HIS

ENERGY WAS JUST STILL, YOU KNOW. I JUST THOUGHT WOW, WHAT A

BEAUTIFUL MAN. >> IF YOU THINK OF TOMORROW,

YOU'RE UNHAPPY. IF YOU THINK OF THE PAST, YOU

CAN BECOME MISERABLE.

HAPPINESS IS WHEREVER YOU ARE. WHEREVER YOU ARE IS WHERE

HAPPINESS IS. >> HE SPOKE AS IF HE HAD GONE

INTO THE COSMOS AND COME BACK AND WAS HERE TO TELL US ABOUT IT

AND TAKE US THERE. >> HAVE YOU MADE CONTACT WITH

THE ETERNAL OR ARE YOU STILL OBSESSED WITH THE MOMENTARY?

WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO WAKE UP? WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO REALIZE

WHAT YOU'RE DOING WITH THIS PRECIOUS ENERGY, WITH THIS

PRECIOUS OPPORTUNITY? >> HE TOLD US HE HAD A MASTER

THAT HAD LED HIM TO A GREAT SPIRITUAL AWAKENING.

>> YOU SPEAK AROUND HERE AND YOU LISTEN TO WHAT IS SAID TO YOU

AND YOU WILL BE LIBERATED. THAT MUCH I CAN TELL YOU.

>> I WANTED TO HAVE A SPIRITUAL TEACHER WHO COULD TEACH ME HOW

TO BE FREE. >> I WANTED A MENTOR.

I WANTED SOMEBODY WHO WAS GOING TO GUIDE ME.

THEY DO THIS IN INDIA ALL THE TIME.

THERE'S GURUS THERE. THIS IS JUST THE MODERN DAY

VERSION OF THAT IN AMERICA. ¶

>> HE WAS CONTEMPORARY. HE WASN'T SOME LITTLE OLD MAN

WITH A GRAY BEARD SITTING IN A DOUGHNUT.

HE WAS WEARING SPEEDOS AND RAY-BANS AND HE WAS DANCING AND

DOING CONTEMPORARY MUSIC. >> HE SPOKE FOUR OR FIVE

LANGUAGES. HE WAS AMAZINGLY HUMOROUS,

WITTY. >> VERY PLAYFUL LIKE A CHILD.

HE COULD DO SOMETHING LIKE OH, MY GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU JUST

DID THAT. HE COULD DANCE.

HE WAS ARTISTIC. HE WAS ALL THOSE THINGS WE ALL

WANTED TO BE. >> HE WAS UNLIKE ANYONE I HAD

EVER MET BEFORE. HE ENCOURAGED ME TO DROP ALL MY

IDEAS OF WHAT I THOUGHT I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE.

>> I FINALLY FELT LIKE I WAS ON THE RIGHT PATH.

I ATTENDED EVERY MEETING, EVERY GROUP OUTING WE WOULD TAKE AND

EVEN WENT TO MICHEL'S WEEKLY INDIVIDUAL HYPNOTHERAPY SESSIONS

CALLED CLEANSINGS. I REALLY FELT LIKE SOMETHING

IMPORTANT WAS HAPPENING IN MY LIFE.

>> NAMASTE. >> I REALLY FELL IN LOVE WITH

OTHER PEOPLE FIRST. >> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> WE WERE TOGETHER 24/7. WE LIVED TOGETHER, WE ATE

TOGETHER, PLAYED TOGETHER. EVERYBODY THAT I KNEW WAS IN THE

BUDDHAFIELD. MY CIRCLE, MY FAMILY, WAS THE

BUDDHAFIELD. >> I LIVED IN A HOUSE WITH ABOUT

EIGHT PEOPLE. IT WAS WARM AND SAFE.

>> NOBODY EVER WENT HUNGRY. NOBODY WAS EVER GOING TO BE

HOMELESS. YOU ALWAYS HAD A PLACE.

>> EVERYONE WAS SUPPORTING EACH OTHER WITH HELPING WITH FOOD,

HELPING WITH COOKING. IT WAS SO IDYLLIC.

>> I DIDN'T DRINK CAFFEINE, I DIDN'T DRINK A GLASS OF WINE.

I MEAN, I CAN'T IMAGINE LIVING ANY CLEANER.

>> IT WAS REALLY ADVOCATING THAT WE EXERCISE AND TAKE CARE OF

OURSELVES. THIS WAS A LIFESTYLE.

>> WE LIVED IN HOUSES, WE PAID OUR OWN RENT.

WE HAD JOBS. >> I DID PERSONAL TRAINING.

I OWNED MY OWN BUSINESS. I WAS VERY SUCCESSFUL WITH

MONEY. >> IF I HAD A JOB OBVIOUSLY MY

MONEY WENT TOWARD MY RENT, MY GROCERIES BUT WHATEVER NEEDED TO

BE BOUGHT OR BUILT, WE ALL PITCHED IN AND PAID FOR IT.

>> NEED SOME HELP. ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF SERVICE.

>> SERVICE WAS AN ACTION YOU DID SELFLESSLY.

IT WAS JUST FOR OTHERS, FOR GOD. >> I LOVED SERVICE.

I CALCULATED AND I DID SERVICE 40 HOURS A WEEK PLUS WORKED.

>> WE STARTED DOING SERVICE FOR A COUPLE OF QUADRAPLEGICS THAT

WERE IN THE GROUP AND HELPED THEM THROUGH THEIR DAY.

IT MADE ME FEEL LIKE I HAD A PURPOSE.

>> BY THE TIME I WAS IN MY LATE 20s I HAD TAKEN ON THE ROLE OF

THE GROUP'S DE FACTO FILM MAKER. >> THAT WOULD BE YOUR FIRST, TO

DEDICATE YOUR LIFE TO CERTAIN KNOWING AND YOUR SPIRITUAL

MASTER'S WORK ON THIS EARTH. >> MY FILMS WERE LIKE A WAY OF

GIVING BACK TO THE GROUP. THEY WERE THE PERFECT MEDIA FOR

SHARING MICHEL'S TEACHINGS. I EVEN DIRECTED A COMMERCIAL FOR

WINGS, A HAIR PRODUCT MADE BY SOME MEMBERS OF THE GROUP.

THE PROFITS WE EARNED HELPED FUND THE BUDDHAFIELD AND THE

MASTER'S TRAVELS. THERE WAS ENOUGH SUPPORT WITHIN

THE GROUP FOR ME TO DO WHAT I WANTED.

CAPTURE OUR EXPERIENCES AND SHARE MICHEL'S MESSAGE OF LOVE.

>> WE USED TO JOKE EVEN IN THE EARLY DAYS, IF THIS WAS A CULT,

AT LEAST IT WAS A REALLY GOOD CULT.

>> ONE OF THE FIRST PEOPLE I WANTED TO HELP BRING INTO THE

GROUP WAS MY MIDDLE SISTER, LORI.

>> MY BROTHER AND SISTER SAID YOU HAVE TO COME UP HERE, IT'S

SO BEAUTIFUL, YOU WILL GET ALL THE HEALING YOU NEED AND HEAL

FROM YOUR EATING DISORDER AND HEAL FROM YOUR RAPE TRAUMA.

I KNEW I NEEDED HEALING. I MEAN, I KNEW I WAS MESSED UP.

THAT'S SOMETHING I HAVE ALWAYS KNOWN ABOUT MYSELF.

>> WE SUPPORTED WILL, AMY AND LORI TO DO WHATEVER IT IS THEY

WANTED TO DO. IF THEY NEEDED MORE ANSWERS, MY

HUSBAND AND I THOUGHT WE HAD WORKED TO GIVE THEM THOSE

ANSWERS BUT APPARENTLY WE DIDN'T DO ENOUGH.

THEY NEEDED SOMETHING THAT THEY WEREN'T GETTING.

>> SOMETHING HAPPENED. SOMETHING DEEP IN ME IN THAT

MOMENT SAID I WILL NEVER LEAVE THIS.

>> ONE DAY, I ASKED SOMEONE TO ASK IF THERE WAS ANYTHING I

COULD DO FOR HIM. IT SOUNDS SO SMALL.

HE SAID YOU CAN MAKE ME A FRUIT SALAD EVERY MORNING.

SO I WOULD GO TO THE STORE AND I WOULD BUY THE MOST BEAUTIFUL

FRUIT I COULD FIND AND I STARTED CARVING BUDDHAS OUT OF PAPAYA.

I CARVED THE LAST SUPPER OUT OF FRUIT.

I SPENT HOURS. WITHIN MY BEING I WAS MAKING A

FRUIT SALAD FOR GOD. ONE DAY I CAME HOME AND MY

ROOMMATE, WHO WAS VERY CLOSELY SERVING THE MASTER WAS TAKING

ONE OF MY FRUIT SALADS AND SLIDING IT INTO A BLENDER AND

MAKING A SMOOTHIE. I WAS JUST LIKE -- AND I KEPT

MAKING THE FRUIT SALADS EVEN THOUGH I KNEW HE WASN'T EATING

THEM, BECAUSE THERE WAS NO OTHER WAY THAT I COULD GIVE HIM

ANYTHING.

>> IT'S THE TRANSFERENCE OF ENERGY FROM THE MASTER TO THE

DISCIPLE. BLISSED OUT AND HIGH WITHOUT -

DRUGS. >> MY BODY STARTED CONVULSING

AND ALL OF THESE KINDS OF THINGS STARTED HAPPENING.

>> WHEN HE TOUCHED ME, I WAS NO LONGER MYSELF.

>> THERE WAS A PROFOUND EXPERIENCE WHERE I FELT A

CURRENT, WHERE I FELT LIKE THERE'S ELECTRICITY HAPPENING.

AND I SEE THIS SORT OF LIKE FLASHING LIGHT, LIKE LIGHTNING,

SOUND SO LOUD LIKE A JET AIRPLANE.

>> IT'S PRETTY ADDICTIVE. >> I WAS EXPERIENCING AN

LSD-LIKE STATE. COLORS WERE MOVING AROUND HIM.

THERE WAS A PHENOMENON ATTACHED TO THIS NOW.

IT'S NOT JUST THESE GOOD FEELINGS I'M HAVING.

NOW THERE'S THIS LIKE FLASHING LIGHT HAPPENING INSIDE ME.

>> MORE THAN SHOCKTIE THERE WAS A GREATER EXPERIENCE THAT ONLY

MICHEL COULD REVEAL TO US. IT WAS THE ULTIMATE STEP WE

NEEDED TO TAKE US TO ENLIGHTENMENT.

>>> WE WERE TOLD THAT HE WOULD HAVE A DAY SET ASIDE WHERE WE

COULD COME AND ASK HIM FOR THE DIRECT EXPERIENCE OF GOD, AND HE

CALLED IT THE KNOWING. >> THE KNOWING WAS BASED ON THIS

BOOK CALLED THE BAGAVHAD GITTA, THIS HINDU BOOK WHERE THE SECRET

OF GOD IS REVEALED TO HIS DISCIPLE.

>> I WAS LIKE YES, THAT RESONATED WITH ME.

I WAS LIKE I KNEW, I KNEW IT WAS POSSIBLE.

>> THE KNOWING WAS THE REALIZATION OF BEING ABLE TO SEE

AND HEAR AND TASTE GOD. >> YOU CAN ONLY COMPREHEND WHAT

IT MEANS TO FINALLY HAVE GOD BE REVEALED TO YOU IN HIS PUREST

FORM, FINALLY. >> THAT WAS SOMETHING THAT I

FELT LIKE I HAD BEEN LOOKING FOR MY ENTIRE LIFE UP TO THAT POINT.

I HAD GONE TO SCHOOL, I HAD A DEGREE, I HAD A GREAT JOB, I WAS

ENGAGED, AND YET WHEN THIS HAPPENED, IT WAS LIKE ALL OF

THAT MEANT NOTHING. >> SO WHO WANTS TO ASK FOR THE

KNOWING TODAY? >> ONE OF THE THINGS THAT MADE

THE KNOWING SO INTRIGUING WAS THAT NOT EVERYONE WAS GOING TO

BE ABLE TO RECEIVE IT. >> I WANTED WHAT I THOUGHT HE

HAD. I WANTED THE KNOWING.

I WANTED THIS PROMISE OF ENLIGHTENMENT.

>> A CEREMONY WOULD OCCUR OVER THE COURSE OF SEVERAL DAYS,

WHERE INDIVIDUALS WERE ABLE TO ASK IF THEY WERE READY FOR THE

KNOWING. THOSE CHOSEN WOULD RECEIVE THE

EXPERIENCE OF GOD. >> HE SAID YOU HAVE TO GIVE

EVERYTHING UP AND I WILL KNOW, BECAUSE YOU WILL BE ASKED BEFORE

YOU RECEIVE THIS EXPERIENCE. I'LL KNOW IF YOU'RE TELLING THE

TRUTH OR NOT. I WAS LIKE I BETTER REALLY DO

SOME SOUL SEARCHING. >> AS DEVOTED AS I WAS, I WAS

STILL NERVOUS THAT HE WOULDN'T THINK I WAS READY.

ONE NIGHT HE SPOKE TO ME ALONE. HE HAD SOMETHING HE NEEDED TO

TELL ME. HE SAID HE HAD BEEN UP ALL NIGHT

FIGHTING WITH GOD, FIGHTING FOR MY LIFE.

I WAS FATED TO HAVE A TERRIBLE ACCIDENT.

I WAS SUPPOSED TO DIE. HE SAID I NEEDED TO FOLLOW HIS

GUIDANCE AND I WOULD BE OKAY. IT WAS SO HARD TO BELIEVE BUT I

TRUSTED HIM. THE VERY NEXT DAY, I WOULD FIND

OUT IF I RECEIVED THE KNOWING. >> THIS DAY WAS GOING TO MAKE

GOD, OKAY. NOT THE PRESIDENT, NOT BRAD

PITT. THIS WAS GOD.

SO YOU DIDN'T WANT TO TAKE THIS LIGHTLY.

>> WE WERE UP IN THE WOODS AND HE LOOKS INTO YOUR EYES WITH

LIKE, YOU KNOW, THIS OPEN-EYED MEDITATION THAT'S SO

OVERWHELMING. AND HE SAID WHAT DO YOU WANT.

AND I TOLD HIM THAT I WANTED TO HAVE THE KNOWING REVEALED TO ME.

>> HE SAID BUT IT WAS VERY DOUBTFUL.

HE WAS REALLY PLAYING WITH THAT FOR ME.

>> HE SAID BOW DOWN AND I DID. HE SAID YOU WILL RECEIVE THE

KNOWING AND YOU WILL KNOW GOD DIRECTLY.

¶ %-pE

READY FOR IT. >> SOMETHING IN ME CHANGED AND

LITERALLY FOR THREE DAYS, I THOUGHT I WAS ON AN ACID TRIP.

I FELT ATOMS AND I SAW THINGS AND I KEPT CHECKING MYSELF LIKE

WOW, IS THIS REAL? >> I WASN'T TRUSTED TO HAVE THE

KNOWING REVEALED TO ME. BASICALLY, HE SAID NOT THIS

TIME. I THINK YOU'RE NOT QUITE READY

YET. >> MY SISTER HAD BEEN THERE FOR

SIX YEARS WORKING LIKE A SLAVE. I MEAN LIKE A SLAVE.

>> OF COURSE IT MADE ME FEEL INADEQUATE.

ALL I EVER WANTED WAS TO ATTAIN THIS MERGING INTO GOD AND

DISAPPEARING. I WAS LOOKING AROUND AT PEOPLE

WHO HAD BEEN THERE LIKE NO WAY AS LONG AS ME.

EVERYTHING WAS ALWAYS EXPLAINED OFF BY BEING THEY'RE JUST OLDER

SOULS. SO IT WAS REALLY HARD.

HE STRUNG HER ALONG. STRUNG HER ALONG.

>> IT WAS ESPECIALLY HARD FOR ME WHEN MY BROTHER GOT THE KNOWING

AND I DIDN'T. '.

>> THE KNOWING WAS FINALLY SHOWN TO ME.

IT WASN'T WHAT I WAS EXPECTING. I SAW LIGHT AND HEARD SOUND.

THERE WAS NO DENYING THE BEAUTY I WAS EXPERIENCING.

BUT I WAS OVERWHELMED THAT TOO MUCH WAS BEING ASKED OF ME AND I

WAS GETTING IN TOO DEEP.

I LOVED DOING SERVICE AND EVENTUALLY, MICHEL PULLED ME IN

CLOSE TO DO SERVICE FOR HIM DIRECTLY.

I WAS ALWAYS TOLD IT WAS AN HONOR TO SERVE HIM AND I FELT

PRIVILEGED. I COULD ASK HIM ANYTHING AND HE

BECAME VERY ACCESSIBLE TO ME. I STARTED FINDING OUT DETAILS

ABOUT HIS LIFE. IN ADDITION TO BEING AN ACTOR,

HE HAD BEEN A DANCER IN THE OAKLAND BALLET.

HE DANCED AND WORKED OUT CONSTANTLY.

I BECAME ONE OF THE PEOPLE WHO MASSAGED HIM AND GAVE HIM

ADJUSTMENTS, WHAT WE CALLED BODY WORKERS.

EVENTUALLY I MOVED INTO THE APARTMENT NEXT DOOR TO HIS WITH

FELIPPE AND WE TRANSFORMED OUR LIVING ROOM INTO A DANCE STUDIO

FOR HIS USE. >> I AM A VERY DEVOTIONAL

PERSON. I LOVE TO HONOR, AND SO I

STARTED PUTTING ALL OF THAT ENERGY INTO HIM.

HE SAID YOU'RE JUST USING ME AS AN EXCUSE, WE ALL HAVE EXCUSES,

PEOPLE BOW TO BUDDHA, PEOPLE BOW TO JESUS, AND YOU'RE USING ME AS

THAT. I'M NOT ANYTHING.

>> WE WERE FEELING SPECIAL, IMPORTANT, LOVED AND SUPPORTED.

WE WERE CONSTANTLY TELLING HIM HOW MUCH WE LOVED HIM AND HOW

AMAZING HE WAS, AND HOW, YOU KNOW, WE COULDN'T LIVE WITHOUT

HIM. AND REALLY 150 OR HOWEVER MANY

PEOPLE TELLING YOU THAT ALL DAY, EVERY DAY, THAT'S PRETTY

POWERFUL. >> MICHEL IS VERY DISCIPLINED.

BALLET WAS A DAILY RITUAL FOR HIM.

IT BECAME OURS, TOO. >> I LOVED IT.

I WAS IN HEAVEN. IT WAS MY FAVORITE THING WE DID

AND 90% OF THE REST OF THE PEOPLE HATED IT.

DANCE WAS LIVING HELL. >> DO IT AGAIN.

>> IT WAS LIKE GOING THROUGH SCHOOL AGAIN.

>> YOU HAVE TO KNOW THIS. >> I HEARD PEOPLE CRYING IN THAT

CLASS. IT WAS INTENSE.

>> IT'S TOUGH LOVE. HE'S GIVING THEM TOUGH LOVE.

>> HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ANYTHING MORE SILLY THAN TWO PEOPLE

HAVING SEX? >> HE WAS VERY CLEAR WITH ME TO

ABSTAIN FROM HAVING SEX. I COULDN'T EVEN HAVE A

RELATIONSHIP IN THE GROUP. HE SAID IT WAS TOO DANGEROUS AND

THAT MY ENERGY NEEDED TO RISE. >> WHAT HAPPENS DURING SEXUAL

ORGASM, A LITTLE DEATH. ONE WHO HAS EXPERIENCED THE

ORGASM OF MEDITATION, THAT'S THE GREATEST ORGASM.

>> WHAT I REMEMBER HIM SAYING WAS BASICALLY THAT SEX WAS A LOW

ENERGY. >> DIDN'T HAVE SEX FOR THREE

YEARS. THE ONES THAT HAD BEEN THERE A

LONG TIME HAD GOTTEN WAY OVER IT.

>> IT BECAME THE BUDDHAFIELD. AFTER AWHILE IT WAS LIKE THIS

SPIRITUAL HAVEN OF BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE THAT WE DON'T HAVE SEX.

IN FACT, EVERYBODY'S [ BLEEP ] EVERYBODY BUT IT WAS ON THE

DOWN-LOW. >> HE TOOK ME TRAVELING WITH HIM

AND A FEW OTHER HELPERS. OF COURSE, IN ADDITION TO ALL

THE FUN AND MEDITATION, WE HAD OUR REGULAR DUTIES, SERVING

MICHEL. I WAS HIS MASSEUR.

I WAS ON CALL 24/7. ¶

I NEVER FELT SO GOOD IN MY LIFE. HEALTHY, LOVING AND LOVED.

I DID HAVE MY DOUBTS BUT I WORKED HARD TO OVERCOME THEM.

>> TO BE A PERSON IS TO BE A MASK.

AND YOU NEVER KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKING TO BEHIND THE MASK, THE

REAL PERSON IS SOMEWHERE INSIDE THAT MASK.

YOU HAD TO STAND NAKED IN FRONT OF GOD AS HE'S MADE YOU IN YOUR

BODY OF LIGHT. THE MASTER ONLY REPRESENTS GOD

ON THE EARTH AND IF YOU CAN STAND NAKED IN FRONT OF YOUR

MASTER, YOU CAN STAND NAKED IN FRONT OF YOUR GOD.

KNOW THAT. >> SO THE TEACHER WAS A

HYPNOTHERAPIST. HE WOULD INVITE ME IN FOR

THERAPY WHICH HE CALLED CLEANSING.

HE CHARGED PEOPLE $50 A SESSION. >> WE ALL HAD THERAPY EVERY

WEEK. >> IN REGRESSION HYPNOTHERAPY

YOU TRIED TO GO BACK TO TRAUMA, RELIVE IT AND THEN CHANGE IT SO

THAT THEY ARE EMPOWERED. >> HE WOULD SAY I'M GOING TO

COUNT TO TEN AND YOU'RE GOING DOWN THE STEPS AND HE HAS THIS

REALLY DEEP HYPNOTIC VOICE. >> OKAY, CLOSE YOUR EYES.

>> BACK IN TIME, DOWN THE STEPS. >> THEN HE WOULD SNAP HIS

FINGERS AND -- >> YOU'RE THERE.

HOW OLD ARE YOU? >> WHERE ARE YOU NOW?

>> WITHIN A FEW MINUTES, I WAS WAILING AND CRYING LIKE I HAD

NEVER CRIED IN MY LIFE. >> YOU WOULD HIT THE PILLOW AND

SCREAM AND CRY. WHEN YOU WERE DONE, YOU WOULD

LITERALLY FLOAT OUT OF THAT PLACE.

IT WAS AMAZING. >> I DIVULGED EVERY SECRET,

EVERY THOUGHT, EVERY FEAR. EXPOSED IT ALL.

>> WHATEVER TRANSPIRES HERE, IT SHOULD BE KEPT HERE.

ABOUT ANYBODY YOU TALK TO, ABOUT ANYTHING YOU DO OR THINK OR SAY.

>> MICHEL GAVE US ALL NEW NAMES TO HELP US MOVE BEYOND OUR PAST

AND CREATE A NEW WAY OF SEEING OURSELVES.

IT WAS A COMMON PRACTICE IN THE GROUP.

AMY WAS NOW CALLED EMILIANA. LORI WAS CALLED CRYSTAL.

I WAS NOW NAMED FRANCESCO. >> IT WOULD COME HOME TO US AND

TOLD US THAT THEY HAD CHANGED THEIR NAMES AND THIS WAS WHAT

THEY WANTED TO BE CALLED. I SAID WELL, WE'RE NOT GOING TO

CALL YOU THAT. WE GAVE YOU YOUR NAMES AND THAT

IS WHAT WE ARE GOING TO CALL YOU, AND YOU MIGHT AS WELL GET

USED TO IT. THEY CAME FOR DINNER AND SAID

WELL, WHAT WE CAME HERE FOR IS WE WANT TO TELL YOU WE WANT TO

DETACH FROM YOU. I WENT WHAT?

I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT. YOU ARE GOING TO DETACH FROM THE

FAMILY? WE HAD SUCH A HAPPY CHILDHOOD

WITH THESE CHILDREN. >> SO MY FATHER WHO I WAS VERY

CLOSE TO, WAS DYING. HE TOLD ME THAT I COULDN'T GO

SEE HIM. THIS IS SO YOU BREAK THE BOND

WITH HIM. AND I WOULD MAKE AIRLINE

RESERVATIONS AND I WOULD CRY AND CRY AND CRY, AND THEN I WOULD

CANCEL THEM. BUT IT WAS SO DIFFICULT, SO

DIFFICULT. >> ALWAYS MY INTUITION WAS

WORKING OVERTIME. I KIND OF SUSPECTED IT MIGHT BE

A CULT. >> NO, I DID NOT FEEL LIKE I WAS

IN A CULT. HE ALWAYS TOLD US FOR A

NON-GROUP WE'RE AN ANTI-CULT. >> MY FAMILY HAD HIRED A PRIVATE

INVESTIGATOR TO FOLLOW ME AND THEY FOUND THAT I WAS WITH THIS

GROUP. HE WENT BACK TO MY FAMILY AND

SAID OH, THIS IS A BENIGN GROUP, THEY'RE NOT DANGEROUS, IT WILL

BE HARDER FOR YOU TO PULL HER AWAY, IT WILL BE MORE DAMAGING,

JUST LET HER BE. >> MY FAMILY FREAKED OUT.

THEY SAID I WAS BRAINWASHED. THEY WANTED TO HIRE SOMEBODY TO

DEPROGRAM ME. I WAS AN ADULT, THEY COULDN'T DO

ANYTHING. >> I MEAN, WE ALL JOKED.

WE KNEW THAT WE LOOKED FUNNY FOLLOWING A MAN IN A SPEEDO BUT

IT TURNS OUT SOME PEOPLE DIDN'T SEE IT THE WAY WE DID.

>> THERE IS THIS GUY KENNY WHO FELL IN LOVE WITH THIS GIRL IN

OUR GROUP. >> SHE WAS THIS BEAUTIFUL MODEL

TYPE. HE WAS NOT IN THE GROUP.

HE WAS NOT A MODEL TYPE AND HE WAS NOT VERY NICE.

>> THIS GUY WAS STALKING AND HIS MOTIVATION WAS TO TEAR DOWN THE

GROUP SO THAT HE COULD HAVE THIS GIRL.

>> KENNY STARTED TO ATTACK MICHEL SAYING HE WAS A CULT

LEADER TELLING US WHAT WE COULD AND COULDN'T DO.

HE WENT TO AN ORGANIZATION RUN BY RICK ROSS.

>> WHEN YOU HAVE LEADERS WHO CLAIM TO SPEAK FOR GOD, CANNOT

BE QUESTIONED BY THEIR FOLLOWERS AND HAVE LITTLE IF ANY

ACCOUNTABILITY, YOU HAVE A VERY VOLATILE MIX.

>> SO HE PULLED IN CULT AWARENESS NETWORK TO TRY AND

MAKE US LOOK LIKE WE'RE HOLDING HER CAPTIVE.

>> PARENTS WHO PAID CULT AWARENESS NETWORK TO GO IN,

KIDNAP THEIR CHILDREN AND DEPROGRAM THEM.

THIS WAS MICHEL'S WORST FEAR, THAT THE BUDDHAFIELD WAS GOING

TO BE CALLED A CULT. >> NOW IT WAS NO LONGER TALKING

ABOUT THE KNOWING. IT WAS NO LONGER TALKING ABOUT

GOD AND LOVE. IT'S TALKING ABOUT WHAT ARE WE

GOING TO DO. >> HE SAID I'M NO LONGER IN A

POSITION WHERE I CAN DO MY WORK IN THIS ENVIRONMENT.

WE NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE. >> MICHEL DIDN'T REALLY GIVE

ANYONE WARNING. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, HE

GRABBED ME, HIS COOK, ANOTHER BODY WORKER, SAID PACK YOUR

BAGS, WE'RE GOING. I'M LIKE WHERE ARE WE GOING?

WE'RE JUST GOING. I HAD NO CREDIT CARD, NO MONEY,

NO BANK ACCOUNT, NO PHONE. I WAS LIVING UNDERGROUND WITH

HIM. EVERYONE ELSE STAYED IN LOS

ANGELES FOR THE TIME BEING TO AWAIT INSTRUCTIONS.

EVENTUALLY HE WOULD DECIDE WHERE THEY SHOULD GO.

>> IT WAS LIKE LOSING MY FAMILY ALL OVER AGAIN.

YOU DON'T WANT TO GIVE THAT UP AND BE TOSSED BACK INTO THE DOGS

OF L.A. >> I WAS SO DEVASTATED.

WE WERE JUST LEFT BEHIND. >> I WANTED TO GO WITH HIM.

I NEVER, EVER WANTED TO BE WITHOUT HIM.

>> WE WENT TO ALL THESE PLACES TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHERE WE

WERE GOING TO LIVE NEXT AND HOW WERE WE GOING TO PROTECT

OURSELVES. >> HIS BEHAVIOR STARTED TO

BECOME OBSESSIVE. >> HE CONVINCED ALL OF US THAT

EVERY CHRIST FIGURE THAT WALKED THE EARTH HAD BEEN KILLED

BECAUSE THEY BROUGHT VERY UNCONVENTIONAL, RADICAL IDEAS

THAT SOCIETY DIDN'T LIKE SO THEY WOULD KILL THEM.

I WAS AS CLOSE TO HIM AS ANYBODY AND I STILL DIDN'T KNOW WHO HE

WAS. I DON'T THINK ANYONE REALLY KNEW

WHO HE WAS.

I THINK HE MAY HAVE HAD HIS MOTHER DIE REALLY YOUNG OR

SOMETHING. >> HIS BROTHER DIED REALLY

YOUNG. >> HE HAD COME FROM A WEALTHY

FAMILY. >> IN THE '60s IN SAN FRANCISCO.

>> AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT HE SAID TO ME.

>> DARK ARTS GROUPS. >> I KNOW HE CAME TO AMERICA TO

BE A MOVIE STAR. HE WANTED TO BE FAMOUS.

>> HIS FIRST NAME WAS JAIME GOMEZ.

HIS STAGE NAME WAS MICHEL. >> HE WAS AN ACTOR.

I ASSUME PROBABLY A GOOD ONE UNTIL I SAW SOME OF HIS ACTING.

>> I KNOW HE WAS IN "ROSEMARY'S BABY."

>> I KNOW THAT HE WAS IN THE MOVIE "ROSEMARY'S BABY."

>> HE WAS IN "ROSEMARY'S BABY." >> HIS WHOLE ROLE WAS A

MILLISECOND AT THE END OF IT LOOKING INTO THE CAMERA.

>> ACCORDING TO SOME THAT HAD COME AROUND, THEY SAW HIM IN

SOME PORNOGRAPHIC MOVIES. I JUST THOUGHT THAT WAS SUCH

HOGWASH. HE NEVER MADE IT TO BE A STAR

ALTHOUGH I'M SURE THAT WAS HIS INTENTION.

>> HE USED HYPNOSIS, HIS SPIRITUAL UNDERSTANDING AND HIS

ACTING METHODS AND THEY ALL KIND OF MERGED INTO THIS WAY OF

COMING TO GOD.

>>> WE WERE ON THE ROAD FOR SIX MONTHS TRYING TO FIND A PLACE

WHERE WE COULD SETTLE DOWN, WHERE THE WHOLE GROUP COULD COME

JOIN US. AND HE DECIDED AUSTIN, TEXAS WAS

THE PLACE. ONE OF HIS DISCIPLES BOUGHT HIM

A HOUSE IN THE SUBURBS. HE CHANGED HIS NAME SO ANYBODY

WHO WAS LOOKING FOR MICHEL COULDN'T FIND HIM, BECAUSE HE

WAS NOW JUST CALLED ANDREAS. AFTER WE HAD BEEN UNDER THE

RADAR LONG ENOUGH, ANDREAS THOUGHT IT WAS TIME TO BRING

EVERYONE BACK TOGETHER. HE WANTED EVERYONE TO MOVE OUT

IN SMALL PODS. PEOPLE BROKE THEIR LEASES, SOLD

THEIR HOMES AND THEIR BELONGINGS AND BEGAN TO PACK.

PEOPLE TRICKLED IN TO AUSTIN AND WE RECREATED THE BUDDHAFIELD.

>> NEW PEOPLE WOULD SHOW UP ALL THE TIME.

WE WERE SHARING THIS LOVE THAT WE WERE EXPERIENCING WITH OTHER

PEOPLE. I WOULD SAY THE WORD RECRUIT.

WE WERE ALL RECRUITING. >> I RECRUITED LOTS OF PEOPLE

MYSELF. HE WAS LOOKING FOR PEOPLE WHO

WERE OPEN AND THAT WAS HIS INSTRUCTION.

>> THEN HE STARTED RECRUITING PEOPLE THAT KNEW HOW TO DO

BALLET BECAUSE HE LOVED BALLET. >> HE USED YOGA CLASSES TO

RECRUIT MORE MEMBERS SO THAT HE WOULD ALWAYS HAVE MORE PEOPLE

COMING IN. >> IT WAS VERY INTERESTING GROUP

OF PEOPLE BECAUSE THEY WERE ALL BEAUTIFUL.

THESE BEAUTIFUL BODIES AND THESE LITTLE SPEEDOS AND THE GIRLS

WERE SO BEAUTIFUL. YOU COULDN'T MISS THEM.

>> EVEN THOUGH HE WANTED NEW DISCIPLES, ANDREAS WAS STILL

HESITANT TO LET ANYONE GET CLOSE TO HIM.

HE KEPT TELLING US THERE WAS STILL A LOT TO BE AFRAID OF FROM

THE OUTSIDE WORLD. >> AS YOU CAN SEE, THE FIRE HAS

INDEED ENGULFED THE VAST MAJORITY OF THIS COMPOUND.

THE LATEST FIGURES WE HAVE -- >> JUST 100 MILES NORTH OF US,

WACO HAPPENED. WE WATCHED IN HORROR AS 72

MEMBERS OF A PRESUMED CULT DIED DURING A GOVERNMENT RAID.

THIS FREAKED HIM OUT, BECAUSE HE THOUGHT WHAT HAPPENED TO DAVID

KORESH WAS GOING TO HAPPEN TO HIM.

>> THIS WAS A SPIRITUAL LEADER WHO WAS BEING DEMONIZED AND

RUNNING THIS GROUP, AND HE WAS AFRAID THAT PEOPLE WERE GOING TO

DRAW PARALLELS AND THEY WERE GOING TO SEE HIM AS THAT.

>> I DID FEEL LIKE I NEEDED TO PROTECT HIM AT TIMES.

>> IN AUSTIN IT WAS KEEP THE GROUP SECRET, SACRED, SACRED

THINGS NEED TO BE KEPT SECRET. >> WE DID EXERCISES IN CLASS TO

PRACTICE IN CASE THE FBI CAPTURED US.

>> YOU'RE GOING TO TELL THEM THAT YOU DON'T KNOW ANY ANDREAS,

YOU DON'T KNOW ANYBODY. >> I WASN'T SURE IF THE FBI WAS

AFTER US OR NOT, BUT I WOULD DO WHATEVER IT TOOK TO PROTECT HIM

OR THE GROUP. EVEN THOUGH I WASN'T A VERY GOOD

LIAR, I DID IT. >> I HAD NO INTEGRITY AT ALL.

I WOULD LIE TO MY MOTHER FOR HIM.

>> WE WERE INSTRUCT TED THAT WE HAD TO LIE TO MY PARENTS ALL THE

TIME. >> I RARELY HAD ANY INTERACTION

WITH ANYONE OUTSIDE THE GROUP. EVEN MY PARENTS, WHO LIVED

NEARBY IN FT. WORTH, HAD NO IDEA I WAS IN AUSTIN.

>> HERE MY BROTHER LIVED THREE HOURS FROM MY PARENTS.

THERE'S NO REASON FOR US HAVING TO KEEP UP THIS LIE.

THEY'RE NOT GOING TO COME AND INSPECT YOUR ASHRAM.

>> I HAD TO COME UP WITH ELABORATE LIES.

I TOLD THEM I MOVED TO ATLANTA AND TO MEXICO AND ANYWHERE TO

GIVE THEM A REASON NOT TO EXPECT TO SEE ME.

>> HE WOULD HAVE PEOPLE THAT WERE GOING TO EUROPE GET A P

POSTCARD AND MAIL IT TO MY PARENTS.

>> HERE'S A POSTCARD I SENT FROM FLORENCE WHEN I WAS FRANCESCO.

>> HE WOULD SEND ME ALL THESE LITTLE GIFTS FROM THESE PLACES

TO PROVE HE WAS WRITING THESE LETTERS.

I STILL SAW THROUGH IT. IT'S SAD AND IT BROKE OUR

HEARTS, REALLY. WE JUST HAD TO HOPE IT WOULD ALL

WORK OUT. >> MY ROLE INCREASED IN THE

BUDDHAFIELD AND I HAD A GROUP OF NEW DISCIPLES EAGER TO DO

SERVICE WITH ME. I SET OUT TO MAKE OUR HOUSE IN

AUSTIN A PLACE OF PEACE AND BEAUTY.

BY THE TIME WE WERE FINISHED, WE HAD BUILT NOT ONLY A MASSIVE

GARDEN BUT ALSO AN AVIARY COMPLETE WITH PEACOCKS, EXOTIC

BIRDS, EVEN A WALLABEE. THE GARDEN BECAME OUR SANCTUARY

AND HIS HOUSE BECAME LIKE A REFUGE FROM THE OUTSIDE WORLD.

THINGS QUIETED DOWN. TIME WENT BY AND WE DIDN'T HEAR

MUCH FROM .

>>> THINGS QUIETED DOWN. WE THOUGHT THINGS MIGHT BE

GETTING BACK TO NORMAL. BUT THE DEMANDS ON THE

BUDDHAFIELD AND ANDREAS BECAME GREATER AND GREATER.

>> WE WOULD LIFT UP A ROG CK AN HUNDREDS OF RATS WOULD GO

RUNNING OUT. HE ASKED US TO KILL THE RATS AND

WE ARMED OURSELVES WITH SHOVELS. I WOULD HIT THEM OVER THE HEAD

OR WE'D HAVE TO DECAPITATE THEM. IT JUST WENT ON AND ON AND ON,

KILLING THESE FURRY LITTLE CREATURES.

IT WAS LIKE HE WAS PLAYING A GAME WITH US, LIKE HE WAS

TURNING US INTO HIS OWN PERSONAL LITTLE WARRIORS.

>> ANDREAS LOVED TO DANCE AND HE SAID HE WISHED HE HAD A THEATER.

SO I FOUND THIS AMAZING PIECE OF LAND.

HE TOLD ME TO BUY IT AND HE SAID LET'S BUILD A THEATER, DESIGN A

THEATER. HE WOULD COME OUT SOME DAYS AND

HE WOULD LOOK AT IT AND SAY I DON'T LIKE THE WINDOWS, I DON'T

LIKE THE WALLS, TAKE IT DOWN. AND WE WOULD.

WE WOULD LITERALLY UNBUILD THE BUILDING AND REBUILD THE

BUILDING SO HE COULD COME BACK AND LOOK AT IT.

AND HE WOULD SAY WHY IS THIS TAKING SO LONG?

IF I WAS DOING THIS, IT WOULD BE DONE A YEAR AGO.

YOU'RE CREATING KARMA. HE WOULD SAY ALL I CARE ABOUT IS

YOU HAVING AN AWAKENING THROUGH THIS THEATER.

I WOULD SAY DID THIS JUST HAPPEN?

>> ONCE THE THEATER WAS BUILT, ANDREAS BEGAN CHOREOGRAPHING

BALLETS. WE WOULD REHEARSE FOR HOURS.

PEOPLE WOULD DROP EVERYTHING, INCLUDING THEIR JOB TO MAKE IT

TO REHEARSAL. >> THESE BALLETS WERE

ASTONISHING. WE HAD THESE ELABORATE COSTUMES,

SETS WOULD BE DESIGNED. IT WAS SOMETHING EXTRAORDINARY.

>> EVERYBODY WAS INVOLVED. WE WOULD REHEARSE THEM FOR A

YEAR, DO COSTUMES AND EVERYTHING AND WE'D ONLY SHOW THESE BALLETS

ONCE, TO OURSELVES, AND THAT WAS IT.

>> HE LIVED LIKE A MULTI-MILLIONAIRE'S LIFE IN THE

SIMPLEST FORM. HE HAD A CHAUFFEUR, I DROVE HIM

AROUND. HE HAD A COOK, PEOPLE COOKED FOR

HIM. HE HAD SOMEONE CLEANING HIS

HOUSE. >> EVERYWHERE HE WENT IN PUBLIC,

I BROUGHT ALONG A SPECIAL CHAIR. IT'S HUGE.

IT WAS ON A BACK PACK, IT WAS ABOUT LIKE THIS.

ON ONE END HE'S TOTALLY PARANOID AND TRYING TO BE SECRETIVE.

ON THE OTHER HAND, HE HAS THIS ENTOURAGE OF PEOPLE SETTING UP A

THRONE FOR HIM ANYWHERE IN PUBLIC.

HE WOULD CALL ME AND SAY WHAT ARE YOU DO?

I'D SAY I'M IN BED. HE'D SAY "YOU BETTER GET OUT OF

THAT BED, YOU HAVE SERVICE TO DO!"

>> IT WAS ALL DESIGNED. >> HE WANTED TO CONTROL THE

SOCIAL LIVES, INTERACTIONS OF EVERYBODY, WHAT THEY DID.

>> IT WAS PRESENTED AS YOUR SPIRITUAL GUIDANCE, WHAT'S BEST

FOR YOUR SOUL. >> WE WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO READ

BOOKS, WATCH TV,LESS WRENN TO THE -- LISTEN TO THE RADIO AND I

NEVER DID ANY OF IT. >> HE CAME UPSET ONE DAY WHEN I

BOUGHT A TV AND HE WAS UPSET, SAID YOU DID THIS BEHIND MY

BACK. I SAID I DIDN'T KNOW I HAD TO

ASK YOU TO GET A TV. >> I GOT A DOG AT ONE POINT.

IT WASN'T ACCEPTABLE. I ENDED UP HAVING TO GIVE THE

DOG BACK. I HAD ENDED UP GOING AND GETTING

THIS LITTLE PUPPY WITHOUT HIS PERMISSION.

HE DIDN'T LIKE DOGS. >> WITH MY FRIEND DANIELLE, HE'D

SAY HE'S CRAZY, WITH ALL THESE WEIRD EXPRESSIONS.

SHE'D LOOK ACROSS THE ROOM AND SAY "WE'RE GOING TO BE HERE FOR

THE REST OF OUR LIVES." >> IT WAS KIND OF NICE WHEN IT

FIRST STARTED OUT AND IT WASN'T ALL ABOUT ADORING HIM, IT WAS

ABOUT ACHIEVING SOME KIND OF SPIRITUAL GROWTH FOR YOURSELF,

NOT LICKING HIS FEET. ¶

¶ ¶ LA FEMME FATALE ¶

>> LA FEMME FATALE WAS A SONG ANDREAS WROTE.

THE SONG SERVED AS A PUBLIC SATIRE AGAINST THE WOMAN WHO

ANDREAS THOUGHT WAS BEING TOO SEXUAL.

I DIDN'T WANT TO BE PART OF AN ATTACK BUT I WENT AHEAD AND MADE

A FUNNY VIDEO. IT WAS A BIG HIT.

¶ LA FEMME FATALE ¶

>> HE DID NOT LIKE ANYONE WHO HAVE A NORMAL, NATURAL SEX LIFE.

AND HOW HE TREATED SEXUALITY IN GENERAL WAS JUVENILE.

>> THERE WAS A YOUNG LADY IN OUR GROUP NAMED SOPHIA.

>> SHE WAS AMAZING. SHE SPENT HER WHOLE LIFE JUST

WANTING TO BE A BALLERINA. >> SHE DANCED BEAUTIFULLY.

OF COURSE HE MADE HER HER PRIMA BALLERINA.

>> HE WANTED HER TO BE CLOSE TO ME BUT NOT TO HAVE SEX TO ME AND

ALL ALONG HE KNEW I WAS GROWING ATTACHED TO HER.

HE TOLD FIVE DIFFERENT WOMEN NOT TO DATE ME BECAUSE IT WOULD BE

BAD FOR MY SPIRITUAL DEVELOPMENT.

>> THERE WERE SO MANY CONFUSING MESSAGES ABOUT SEXUALITY.

WE WERE TOLD YOU'RE NOT YOUR BODY, DON'T GET OBSESSED WITH

YOUR LOOKS, YET EVERYONE WAS OBSESSED WITH THEIR LOOKS.

>> HE REALLY DID NOT WANT FAT PEOPLE.

DID NOT WANT ANYONE IN THE GROUP THAT WAS NOT PHYSICALLY A

STARLET. HE WANTED EVERYBODY TO BE

STARLET. >> SO HE WAS SUGGESTING THAT

THIS PERSON HAD THEIR EYES DONE OR SUGGESTING THAT THIS PERSON

HAVE THEIR CHEEK BONES AND ANOTHER PERSON HAVE THEIR CHIN.

HE SORT OF GOT OBSESSED WITH IT. >> WE WERE GOING INTO HIS

BATHROOM AND JUST FINDING PILES OF MASCARA AND FAKE EYE LASHES

AND CONCEALERS. HE WORE MAKE-UP LIKE EVERY DAY

OF HIS LIFE. >> I REMEMBER ONE TIME I WAS IN

THE WATER WITH HIM AND HE HAD AN EYE LASH ON HIS CHEEK AND I'M

LIKE TRYING TO SIGNAL TO HIM TO FLICK THAT OFF, BUT I DIDN'T

KNOW ABOUT THE PLASTIC SURGERY BUT IT STARTED TO LOOK EVIDENT.

>> HE WAS ALWAYS TELLING US THIS IS THE BODY, IT'S GOING TO BE A

CARCASS ONE DAY, IT'S GOING TO DIE AND HERE HE IS OVER HERE

DOING HIS EYES, HIS EYES, HIS THIS, HIS LIPS, CONSTANTLY DOING

STUFF TO HIS BODY. >> BUT HE STARTED TO LOOK VERY

DEFORMED AND SCARY LOOKING REALLY.

>> IT WAS OF A TOTAL DICHOTOMY OF WHAT THE TEACHING WAS.

>> AND I KNEW HE WOULD HAVE OTHER PEOPLE DO PLASTIC SURGERY

BEFORE HE DID IT SO THAT HE WOULD SEE IF IT WAS SAFE OR HOW

IT LOOKED AND I NEVER QUESTIONED IT.

>> NO ONE WAS GOING TO SAY, DUDE, YOUR MAKE-UP'S RUNNING.

NO ONE WOULD DARE. I WOULDN'T DARE.

>> I ALWAYS TURNED THE CAMERA OFF WHEN ANDREAS WAS YELLING.

>> WE WOULD USE THIS TERM "YOU NEED TO DROP YOUR MIND."

>> THAT WAS SOMETHING YOU WOULD SAY TO SOMEONE AND IT WAS

CRITICAL. IT WAS, HEY, YOU'RE NOT IN LINE

WITH WHAT'S GOING ON HERE. >> YOU DON'T WANT TO BE IN THE

MIND. NO THOUGHTS.

IF YOU'RE HAVING THOUGHTS, YOU'RE NOT CONNECTED TO

MEDITATION AND TO GOD. >> THERE'S A TERM CALLED MUTUAL

COMPLICITY. YOU CAN'T HAVE A TEACHER WITHOUT

FOLLOWERS. >> THE BENEFITS OUTWEIGHED THE

CRAZINESS. SO YOU STARTED TO ACCEPT THE

QUESTIONABLE STUFF. YOU JUST STARTED TO ACCEPT IT.

IT'S LIKE ANY FAMILY. AND I THINK A LOT OF US

COMPARTM COMPARTMENTALIZED, RATIONALIZED

ALWAYS. HE CERTAINLY HELPED US

RATIONALIZE EVERYTHING. >> THE ONLY TRUTH THAT'S LEFT IS

THE TRUTH THAT I AM TOLD AND WHO IS THE HIGHEST AUTHORITY IN THE

GROUP? IT'S THE MASTER.

>> DO YOU WANT TO HAVE KIDS? >> NO.

>> SPIRITUAL GROWTH AND CHILDREN DON'T ALWAYS GO TOGETHER.

>> I TOLD HIM I WAS PREGNANT. HE SAID GET AN ABORTION.

I DIDN'T NOT WANT TO HAVE THIS ABORTION BUT HE SAID I COULD NOT

BE IN THE COMMUNITY IF I HAD THE CHILD.

I HAD THE ABORTION. AS SOON AS I'D HEAR HIS VOICE, I

WOULD GO INTO SURRENDER MODE AND DO WHATEVER HE SAID.

I WAS WITH SOMEBODY IN THE COMMUNITY THAT I WAS REALLY,

REALLY IN LOVE WITH AND I SET IT UP SO THAT I WOULD GET PREGNANT

SO I THOUGHT THAT WOULD BE OKAY. ANDREAS HAD TOLD HIM HE WOULD BE

KICKED OUT IF HE DIDN'T GET ME TO HAVE AN ABORTION.

SO I HAD TO HAVE ANOTHER ABORTION.

>> IN ALL THE YEARS WE WERE TOGETHER, NO ONE CHILD WAS BORN.

>> THERE WERE A LOT OF PEOPLE WHO DIDN'T STICK AROUND.

OF COURSE THEY WERE DEMONIZED. >> WHEN I LEFT THE GROUP,

IMMEDIATELY EVERYBODY WAS TOLD SOMETHING AWFUL.

WE WERE TOLD DO NOT COMMUNICATE WITH THEM, THEY'RE IN THEIR

MINDS, THERE'S RUMORS THAT I HAD TURNED INTO A PROSTITUTE OR I

WAS RUNNING PROSTITUTES OUT OF MY HOUSE.

>> WHEN PEOPLE STARTED TO ASSERT THEIR OWN INDEPENDENCE, HE WOULD

CRACK THE WHIP. >> IT WAS TIGHTLY CONTROLLED

THAT IF YOU WERE TO GO OUT ON YOUR OWN, BAD THINGS WERE GOING

TO HAPPEN TO YOU. >> IF I EVER LEFT THE GROUP,

WITHIN A YEAR I WOULD BE DEAD. WHY?

BECAUSE I WOULD BE OUT FROM UNDER THE WING OF HIS GRACE.

>> HE HAD TOLD ME ON A COUPLE OF OCCASIONS IF I WASN'T WITH HIM,

I WOULD GET AIDS AND I WOULD DIE.

AND I BELIEVED HIM. I BELIEVED HIM.

>> THE THING WAS THAT HE WAS A H

HYPNOTHERAPIST. SO HE MANIPULATED EACH AND EVERY

PERSONALITY THAT WAY. >> YOU ONLY HAVE ONE CHANCE TO

BE WITH ME. >> AND THIS WAS LITERALLY

BRAINWASHING. WE WERE DOING

>> I GOT TO DO SOME OF THE CHARACTERS IN THE FILM THAT WE

DID FOR OUR GROUP. IN THE SCENE HE BENDS DOWN TO

GET WATER AND HE REALIZES HE'S NOT ALONE, THAT THE MASTER IS

THERE. HERE WE ARE, WE'RE ACTORS IN

FRONT OF THE CAMERA. WE GET THESE SHOTS HE'S HAVING.

AND I WASN'T SURE WHETHER OR NOT IT WAS AN ACT OR WHETHER IT WAS

REAL. THEN I STARTED THINKING MAYBE

THE WHOLE THING IS AN ACT. >> SOMETHING'S WRONG HERE.

THOUGHTS CAME IN ALL THE TIME. I WAS ALWAYS GETTING THE MESSAGE

AND I CHOSE NOT TO LISTEN. >> I WAS LIKE WHAT THE

[ EXPLETIVE ] HAS THIS TURNED INTO?

IT'S BECOME A CIRCUS. AND SOME OF THE OLDER PEOPLE

THAT HAD BEEN AROUND SINCE THE BEGINNING WERE KIND OF LOOKING

AT EACH OTHER GOING I DIDN'T HEAR TO WHERE THIS SUDDENLY

CHANGED TO WHERE IT'S ALL ABOUT HIM INSTEAD OF ABOUT YOUR INNER

EXPERIENCE. >> I WOULDN'T REFER TO HIM OTHER

THAN ANYTHING HE WAS, AN OUT-OF-WORK ACTOR WHO STUMBLED

ON THE ROLE OF A LIFETIME. >> ONE OF THE PEOPLE THAT HAD

BEEN AROUND FOR A LONG TIME WROTE AN E-MAIL AND HE SENT IT

OUT TO LIKE EVERYBODY IN THE BUDDHAFIELD.

>> THERE WAS THIS E-MAIL THAT WAS SENT OUT ABOUT ALL THIS

STUFF, IT WAS LIKE WHAT THE [ EXPLETIVE ] IS THIS?

>> THE AUTHOR OF THE E-MAIL WAS LEADING THE GROUP AND HE LAID

OUT SERIOUS ACCUSATIONS ABOUT ANDREAS AND ONE OF THE MOST

SERIOUS WAS THAT HE FOR YEARS HAD BEEN FORCING UNWANTED

DISCIPLES INTO UNWANTED RELATIONSHIPS.

ANDREAS IMMEDIATELY TOLD ALL OF THOSE AROUND HIM THAT THE LETTER

WAS FULL OF LIES AND NOT TO READ IT.

>> AND ALL OF A SUDDEN THERE STARTED TO BE THIS DIVISION.

>> SOME PEOPLE DIDN'T BELIEVE IT, SOME PEOPLE DID.

>> IT'S JUST SOME LETTER SOMEBODY WROTE, THEY COULD WRITE

ANYTHING THEY WANT. >> I DIDN'T HAVE PERSONALLY ANY

REASON TO BELIEVE WHAT THEY WERE SAYING.

>> SOME PEOPLE COALESCED AROUND HIM.

EVEN I DID INITIALLY. I WROTE A REBUTTAL TO THE

LETTER. YEAH, IT WAS BULL [ EXPLETIVE ].

ID HAD B-- I HAD BEEN IN A SEXU RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM.

I KNEW THAT EVERYTHING IN THERE WAS PRETTY MUCH TRUE.

WELL, HOW IT STARTED WAS IN THE PRIVATE THERAPY SESSIONS.

BEING A YOUNG MAN AND VERY NEW TO SEXUALITY AT THAT TIME, I HAD

A LOT OF QUESTIONS. SO YOU'RE TALKING TO YOUR

THERAPIST ABOUT THESE THINGS AND SO HE'S GOT THIS DOSSIER OF

INFORMATION ON YOU. >> HAVE YOU EVER HAD SEX WITH A

GUY? >> NO.

>> HAVE YOU EVER WANTED TO? YOU CAN BE VERY HONEST.

>> AND SOMEWHERE IN THERE HE STARTED RUNNING YOU THROUGH

HOMOSEXUAL FANTASIES. WHO DO YOU FIND ATTRACTIVE?

I'D START NAMING WOMEN AND HE'D BE LIKE, NO, A GUY.

BEING ATTRACTED TO WOMEN HAD NO VALIDITY WHATSOEVER.

>> DO YOU FANTASIZE? >> YEAH.

WHAT DO YOU FANTASIZE ABOUT? >> WHAT WILL IT BE LIKE.

>> ONE DAY IT WAS AFTER A THERAPY SESSION AND HE ASKED ME

TO KISS HIM. I WAS THROWN.

I DID NOT WANT THAT. I WASN'T LOOKING FOR THAT.

>> THAT MORAL STUFF THAT'S BEEN PUT IN YOUR HEAD, IT IS NOT YOUR

VOICE. YOU NEED TO GET WHAT IS

AUTHENTIC. CAUSE YOU'RE CARRYING SO MUCH

PROGRAM IN THERE. >> THE FIRST THING HE HAD ME DO

WAS JUST AROUND THE BODY. IT WAS LIKE, OH, YOU DON'T NEED

TO BE UPTIGHT ABOUT YOUR BODY. SEE, YOU CAN TAKE OFF YOUR

CLOTHES AND BE UNATTACHED. IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.

I FELT LIKE I WAS DOING SPIRITUAL WORK INITIALLY.

THEN IT STARTED TO GET LIKE, AH, COME CLOSER TO ME.

AND HE SAT IN HIS THRONE VERY UPRIGHT AND I'D BE IN FRONT OF

HIM ON MY KNEES AND HE SAID JUST DO WHATEVER YOU WANT TO DO, JUST

DO WHAT COMES NATURALLY. AND WHAT CAME NATURALLY TO ME IS

I WANTED TO GET AWAY. >> HE STARTED HAVING SEX WITH

ME, NOT THAT DAY BUT OVER A PERIOD OF TIME.

AND IT BECAME A REGULAR THING. EVERY TUESDAY AND SATURDAY NIGHT

AFTER THE GYM, IT WAS LIKE CLOCK WORK AND I HAD NEVER BEEN

[ BL [ BLE

[ BLEEP ] BEFORE. >> I WAS TOTALLY DOWN ON IT.

AND HE WAS COMPLETELY IGNORING ME.

IMAGINE HAVING SEX WITH SOMEONE, MALE OR FEMALE AND THEY'RE JUST

LAYING THERE, LIKE SPACED OUT, NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO YOU.

OH, DO YOU LIKE THIS? AND YOUR ANSWER IS SOMETHING

LIKE "YEAH, SURE." AND THEY JUST KEEP [ BLEEP ]

YOU, BECAUSE YOU'RE LIKE A SACK OF MEAT.

THEN I STARTED TO HATE HIM. >> I RESISTED AND HE WOULD SAY

OKAY, OKAY, LET'S GO DOWN THE LONG FLIGHT OF STAIRS, GO BACK

TO YOUR CHILDHOOD, WHO IS IT THAT YOU'RE RESISTING?

I'D BE LIKE I'M RESISTING YOU, I DON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU.

HE'S LIKE NO, NO, LET'S GO BACK TO YOUR CHILDHOOD, WHEN SOMEBODY

WANTED YOU TO DO SOMETHING AND YOU DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT -- HE

WAS A MASTER, HE WAS MASTERFUL OF GETTING WHAT HE WANTED.

SOMEHOW AFTER THIS PROCESS I WOULD BE BOWING AT HIS FEET

SAYING, OH, MY GOD, THANK YOU, HOW DO YOU ALWAYS BRING ME BACK

TO THIS BEAUTIFUL PLACE AND I'D GET [ BLEEP ] AGAIN.

>> YOU CAN'T SAY NO. NO IS AGAINST THE RULES.

AND THEN I HAD TO PAY HIM. I HAD TO PAY HIM FOR

[ EXPLETIVE ] THERAPY. 50 BUCKS EVERY TIME I'D GO IN.

HERE'S YOUR BULL [ EXPLETIVE ] THERAPY, WE'RE GOING TO

[ EXPLETIVE ]. GIVE ME $50.

CAN YOU IMAGINE? THIS WENT ON FOR EVERY SINGLE

MONDAY OF MY LIFE FOR FIVE YEARS.

HERE I AM, LIKE, HELPING THIS GUY EVERY DAY WITH HIS CHAIR,

WITH ALL THESE LITTLE DETAILS OF HIS LIFE AND I HATE HIM BUT

STILL SOMEHOW I'M HERE IN THIS GROUP GOING THROUGH THE MOTIONS

SERVING HIM, AND IT WAS JUST I FELT LIKE I WAS GOING MAD AND --

YEAH. I FELT LIKE I WAS GOING

[ BLEEP ] MAD. SOPHIA SAVED MY LIFE.

GOD. THANK YOU SO MUCH, SOPHIA.

THANK YOU. SHE KNEW SOMETHING WAS FUNNY

WITH ME. SHE KNEW WHEN ANDREAS TOLD HER

NOT TO HOOK UP WITH ME THAT THERE WAS SOMETHING NOT RIGHT

THERE AND SO SHE IGNORED HIM. SO WE DEVELOPED A ROMANTIC

RELATIONSHIP AT AGE 28, 29 SHE WAS MY FIRST GIRL FRIEND, LIKE A

REAL GIRL FRIEND. >> HOW COULD YOU?

WE TRUSTED YOU. WE TRUSTED YOU.

WE TRUSTED YOU. >> I STILL FELT LIKE I OWED HIM

EVERYTHING. I FEEL LIKE SUCH AN ASS SAYING

IT. I FELT LIKE, WOW, HE'S DOING

THIS FOR ME AND I NEVER TOLD ANYONE.

NOT UNTIL EVERYTHING FELL APART. >> I KNEW RIGHT THERE IT WAS

LIKE, OH, MY GOD, I SEE NOW, I SEE WHAT HE'S BEEN DOING.

IT WAS SO CLEAR. THE CURTAIN HAS BEEN OPENED.

THE CURTAIN'S OPEN, BROKE MY HEART, YOU HURT PEOPLE.

HE ABUSED THEM. HE SODOMIZED THEM.

I'M NOT HERE TO COMPETE WITH ANYBODY ABOUT ANYTHING BECAUSE I

DON'T HAVE ANY AGENDA WITH YOU, EXCEPT IF YOU SINCERELY WANT TO

GROW UP, MAYBE THIS WOULD BE OFFERED TO YOU.

YOU FOLLOW? >> HE TOOK 120 MINDS AND

MANIPULATED EACH ONE AND THEIR OWN STORY.

NOBODY EVER KNEW. THE RIGHT HAND NEVER KNEW WHAT

THE LEFT HAND WAS DOING. I KNEW YOU INTIMATELY FOR 25

YEARS AND NEVER KNEW YOU WERE SUFFERING.

IF I HAD NEVER YOU WERE SUFFERING AS MUCH AS YOU DID OR

THAT MY OTHER BROTHERS WERE SUFFERING AS MUCH AS YOU DID, I

WOULD HAVE PUT A STOP TO IT FROM THE GET-GO.

>> IT'S TRUE. HE STARTED HAVING SEX WITH ME

WHEN HE TOOK ME TO HAWAII. I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT WAS

HAPPENING. HE KEPT SAYING EVERYTHING HE WAS

DOING WAS FOR ME. HE TOLD ME HIS MASTER HAD

BROUGHT HIM CLOSE THE SAME WAY AND IT WAS VERY SPECIAL.

HE WAS SAVING MY LIFE, HE TOLD ME.

I WOULD DIE WITHOUT HIM. YET HE WAS STILL THAT PERSON IN

MY LIFE WHO COULD TAKE ME TO THIS GOD EXPERIENCE, AND I WAS

DEPENDENT ON HIM FOR THAT, IN MY MIND EVEN THOUGH I HAD

SUSPICIONS I WASN'T THE ONLY ONE, I KEPT QUIET.

I COULDN'T SHOW ANYONE WHAT I WAS FEELING OR GOING THROUGH.

DESPITE HAVING THE WHOLE BUDDHAFIELD AS MY FAMILY, I WAS

ALONE. HE TOLD ME HE WAS ONLY WORKING

WITH ME THIS WAY, AND I COULD NOT TELL ANYONE BECAUSE THEY

WOULD NOT UNDERSTAND. >> NOBODY HAD THE COMPLETE

STORY. SO SOME PEOPLE KNEW SOME THINGS,

OTHER PEOPLE NEW OTHER THINGS, I KNEW THE THING THAT I KNEW BUT

NOBODY WAS ALLOWED TO REALLY TALK TO EACH OTHER ABOUT IT.

>> I HAD NO CLUE THAT HE HAD BEEN SEDUCING SO MANY OF THE MEN

IN THE COMMUNITY. >> WHEN I HEARD THE STORIES

ABOUT WHAT WAS ACTUALLY HAPPENING, THAT WAS WHEN I WAS

LIKE YOU MOTHER [ EXPLETIVE ]. >> ALONG WITH THE CONFESSIONS OF

SEXUAL ABUSE CAME OTHER STORIES. >> HE TOLD ME TO SAY I HAD

CANCER AND I HAD TO TELL MY BEST FRIENDS, MY LOVER, EVERYONE, AND

I HAD TO KEEP THAT A SECRET SO THAT HE COULD BE THE GREAT

HEALER AND HEAL ME OF MY CANCER THAT DIDN'T EXIST.

>> IT WAS LIKE ARE YOU [ EXPLETIVE ] KIDDING ME?

>> WAS 70% OF IT A LIE? WAS 80% OF IT A LIE?

>> AND FINALLY WE DISCOVERED THAT THE RUMORS OF HIM BEING A

PORN ACTOR WERE IN FACT TRUE. AS MORE PEOPLE WERE FINDING OUT

ABOUT THE TRUTH, A FEW STARTED TO CONFRONT ANDREAS.

>> AND I SAID YOU CAN'T DO THIS. THIS IS OUR COMMUNITY AND YOU

ARE DESTROYING IT. >> I LITERALLY CONFRONTED HIM.

I GO WHAT ARE WE DOING? HE COMPLETELY DENIED IT.

HE SAID I KNOW THAT YOU'RE HEARING THIS BUT I HAVEN'T DONE

THAT. >> HE JUST HAD THIS INNATE

BELIEF THAT YOU JUST KEEP TELLING THE STORY AND THEY'LL

BELIEVE IT. >> I HAD TO TAKE A STAND.

I KNEW THERE WERE A LOT OF INNOCENT NEW PEOPLE THERE THAT

WOULD NOT EVEN KNOW WHAT WAS REALLY GOING ON.

>> I WAS LIKE ENOUGH. THIS IS WHAT I NEEDED TO LEAVE.

>> IT GOT TO A POINT WHERE I DIDN'T CARE.

IT WAS LIKE, OKAY, I MIGHT BE DEAD IN A YEAR BUT IT IS BETTER

THAN BEING HERE FOR ANOTHER SECOND.

>> I SAID NO MORE, I AM NOT YOUR SEX TOY.

I'M DONE. I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE ANYMORE.

>>HE LOOKED AT ME AND HIS EYES

GOT BLACK. HIS FACE LOOKED DIFFERENT AND IT

WAS FREAKY. >> IT WAS CLEAR TO ME I WAS

LOOKING AT A MADMAN GRASPING AT STRAWS TO TRY TO KEEP THINGS

TOGETHER. >> THAT'S WHEN THE SPELL BROKE.

I WAS LIKE YOU HAVE NOTHING FOR ME ANYMORE.

>> IN THE PERIOD OF A WEEK, BOOM, BOOM, ALL OF A SUDDEN

EVERYONE STARTED LEAVING. >> HE WAS ON HIS HEELS.

HE WAS BACK PEDALING. >> THE BUDDHAFIELD WAS FALLING

APART. IT WAS DEVASTATING TO WATCH MY

CLOSEST FRIENDS LEAVE. I BEGAN TO FEEL THE NEED TO JOIN

THEM BUT AS MUCH AS I TRIED, I COULDN'T GET RID OF MY SENSE OF

OBLIGATION TO ANDREAS. HE STILL DENIED EVERYTHING AND

HE WANTED A CHANCE TO TELL HIS SIDE OF THE STORY TO THOSE WHO

WOULD LISTEN SO HE ASKED ME TO GRAB MY CAMERA ONE LAST TIME.

>> WE WERE SUMMONED TO A HOUSE ONE EVENING THAT THERE WAS GOING

TO BE A MESSAGE FROM ANDREAS AND THEY PUT UP THIS BIG VIDEO

SCREEN AND THEY SHOWED THIS VIDEO.

>> WHAT THIS IS CANNOT BE PUT IN A BIOGRAPHICAL LETTER.

IT DOESN'T NEED RESUMÉS ABOUT ITS STORY, WHAT THIS IS IS FREE,

UNTOUCHED, UNPOLLUTED, NOT APOLOGIZING.

>> THERE WERE SOME PEOPLE THAT FOR THE FIRST TIME I SAW AT A

GATHERING THAT GOT UP, I DON'T KNOW, TEN OR 20 PEOPLE LEFT

WHILE THAT VIDEO WAS GOING ON BECAUSE IT WAS SO DISTURBING.

>> I AM IN YOU. IN TRUTH THERE IS NO I AND THERE

IS NO YOU. HOW COME?

MAY ALL BEINGS WAKE UP. >> YOU COULD HEAR A PIN DROP.

NOBODY BOUGHT IT. EVERYBODY WAS QUESTIONING THINGS

IN THEIR HEAD. >> BUT THEN HE DID SOMETHING

THAT SURPRISED US ALL. HE DECIDED AFTER 17 YEARS IT WAS

TIME FOR ANOTHER KNOWING SESSION.

A FEW LOYAL MEMBERS TOOK HIM UP ON HIS OFFER, INCLUDING MY

SISTER, AMY, WHO STILL HAD NO IDEA WHAT HAD HAPPENED TO ME.

>> AND NOW HE'S DESPERATE TO HOLD ON TO THOSE OF US WHO STILL

TRUSTED HIM. SO HE REVEALED THE KNOWING.

AND HE WAS AWFUL. HE WASN'T EVEN CONNECTED TO ME

AT ALL. THE DAY AFTER WE WENT FOR A WALK

AND HE CAME UP AND HE PUT HIS HAND ON MY WRIST AND HE SAYS,

YOU KNOW, AMEALIANA, THESE PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO DESTROY

YOUR MASTER AND I NEED TO KNOW IF YOU KNOW SOMEONE OR IF YOU

CAN FIND A WAY TO HAVE THEM TAKEN OUT, GET RID OF THEM.

IF NOT THAT, FIND SOMEONE WHO CAN JUST DESTROY THEIR LIVES

THROUGH THE IRS OR WHATEVER WAY. PEOPLE HE WANTED HARMED, THEY

WERE THE TWO PEOPLE WHO WERE BEHIND EXPOSING THE TRUTH OF

WHAT WAS REALLY GOING ON WITH HIM.

THE GUY WHO WROTE THE LETTER AND RADIA.

>> HOW DID THIS SHATTER? HOW DID EVERYTHING SHATTER?

HOW DID I COME HERE BEING SO HATED AND SO OSTRACIZED AND

DEMONIZED WHEN I LOVED SOMEONE SO MUCH AND GAVE MY LIFE FOR

SOMEONE. >> I DON'T KNOW WHO HE WAS AT

THAT POINT. TO SEE THAT AND FINALLY START

HAVING MY REALIZATIONS ABOUT ANDREAS, THAT EVERYTHING HE DID

WAS MANIPULATION FOR SOME NARCISSISTIC, MANIACALnd.

>> THIS THING IS [ BLEEP ]. >> SOME MEMBERS WARNED ANDREAS

IF HE DIDN'T STOP HIS WORK, THEY WOULD PRESS CHARGES AGAINST HIM.

WE CONVINCED HIM HE WOULD BE LEFT ALONE IF HE PROMISED TO

STOP BEING A TEACHER. I DIDN'T WANT TO SEE HIM HARMED,

BUT I WANTED ALL THIS TO END. SO I RELUCTANTLY FLEW WITH HIM

AND A FEW OTHERS TO RELOCATE HIM TO HAWAII.

HERE I WAS RETURNING TO THE PLACE WHERE THE ABUSE ALL

STARTED. BUT FINALLY THIS TIME I WAS DONE

WITH THE LIES. AND I WAS DONE WITH HIM.

SO AFTER 22 YEARS, I LEFT. WITHOUT

>>> I HAD JUST HAD 200 OF MY CLOSEST FRIENDS WHO I CONSIDERED

TO BE FAMILY GONE. >> IT WAS KIND OF LIKE A BOMB

WENT OFF AND LIKE A VILLAGE THAT I LIVED IN WAS TOTALLY

DESTROYED. THAT WAS THE FEELING IT WAS.

>> I MISS THAT COMMUNITY. >> IT'S LIKE A BIG DEATH OF YOUR

FAMILY ALL AT ONCE. >> I DID SO MUCH SERVICE FOR HIM

AND DIDN'T WORRY ABOUT THE FUTURE THAT WHEN IT WAS OVER, I

HAD $45 TO MY NAME, I DIDN'T HAVE A BANK ACCOUNT, I DIDN'T

HAVE ANYTHING. I REMEMBERED JUST LAYING ON THE

FLOOR IN FETAL POSITION. IT WAS LIKE I WAS DROPPING

THROUGH THIS TRAP DOOR. IT WAS BLACK AND THERE WAS NO

BOTTOM. >> WHERE AM I GOING TO FIND THAT

AWE? WHO IS GOING TO MAKE ME DANCE IN

THE FOREST? WHO IS GOING TO BE WILLING TO

MAKE ME SING WHEN I CAN'T SING? >> I QUESTIONED EVERYTHING I

THOUGHT WHEN I CAME OUT OF THE GROUP.

I SOLD MY HOUSE AND I TOOK A JOB AS A BOUNCER AND RECLAIMED MY

MASCULINITY. >> I WAS SO ANGRY, I WAS SO

BITTER, SO CYNICAL. I COULDN'T TRUST ANYTHING.

>> ALL OF US WHO LEFT THE GROUP NEEDED TO HEAL.

¶ HAPPY BIRTHDAY ¶ >> LIKE MANY OF MY FRIENDS, I

TRIED TO MEND THE RELATIONSHIPS I HAD GIVEN UP IN THE PAST.

¶ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU ¶ >> WE EMBRACED THEM.

WE TOLD THEM WE LOVED THEM. WE NEVER GAVE UP ON THEM.

I HAD PRAYED THAT THEY WOULD COME BACK AND THEY DID.

IT WAS UNBELIEVABLE REALLY WHAT THEY'D BEEN THROUGH.

AND I WAS GLAD THAT THEY WERE RID OF THIS MAN AND I JUST FEEL

A DEEP HATRED, AND I SHOULDN'T, I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO HATE, BUT I

FEEL THAT HE REALLY IS EVIL. REALLY EVIL.

>> THERE'S THIS SOCIAL INTERPLAY THAT HAPPENS BETWEEN HIGHLY

CO-DEPENDENT PEOPLE AND PATHOLOGICAL NARCISSISTS.

WHO IS GOING TO GIVE A PERSON WHO NEEDS CONSTANT ADORATION AND

ATTENTION, WHO IS GOING TO GIVE THAT TO THEM CEASELESSLY?

SOMEBODY WHO RELIES ON HIM AS THE SOURCE OF THEIR SELF-ESTEEM.

AND THEY'LL SAY YOU SEEM LIKE A NORMAL, RATIONAL, INTELLIGENT

HUMAN BEING. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN TO YOU?

>> IT WAS HARD FOR ME TO ADMIT THAT I WAS BRAINWASHED AND I WAS

IN A CULT. YOU KNOW, LOOKING BACK NOW, HE

WOULD DO ALL KINDS OF THINGS TO DRAW YOU IN TO HIM, ENDEARING

THINGS. AND HE MADE YOU FEEL SPECIAL AND

YOU FELT REALLY LOVED. >> THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT

SEEING OTHER PEOPLE BEING DEVOTED THAT MAKES YOU THINK,

OH, WELL, THOSE PEOPLE DON'T SEEM CRAZY.

>> IT'S WHAT WE DO EVERY TIME WE COME INTO A RELIGION.

WE TAKE ON THEIR BELIEFS AS TRUTH.

YOU WILL DO ANYTHING TO DEFEND THAT TRUTH.

YOU SUBJUGATE YOUR BEST INTERESTS TO THE INTERESTS OF

THE RELIGION, THE GROUP, THE CORPORATION.

>> THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS IN A GROUP-THINK SYSTEM.

THAT'S WHAT KEEPS YOU THERE. THAT'S WHAT KEPT ME THERE.

>> SO THE BETTER YOU FEEL, THE MORE YOU GET COMMITTED.

AND THEN SOMEBODY CAN GET YOU TO DO ANYTHING.

I MEAN, I WOULD HAVE KILLED OR DIED FOR HIM.

IT'S SO COMMON. IT'S EVERYWHERE.

LOOK AROUND YOU. YOU'VE GOT A CULT IN YOUR TOWN,

I ALMOST GUARANTEE YOU. >> I SEE THEM ALL.

THERE'S ANDREAS. >> I DO THINK THAT HE'S CREATED

THAT SORT OF HYPER PROTECTION AROUND HIM AGAIN.

>> ANDREAS IS NOW CALLING HIMSELF RACHI, WHICH MEANS GOD

KING. >> TO THIS DAY I DON'T

UNDERSTAND. SOME PEOPLE STILL STAYED, STILL

STAYED WHEN THEY WERE TOLD THE TRUTH.

>> WITHOUT THOSE PEOPLE GOING ALONG AND BEING THERE, HE WOULD

NOT HAVE BEEN ABLE TO RECONSTITUTE THE GROUP.

>> IT HURTS ME TO SEE HE'S STILL DOING THE SAME MANIPULATION AND

IT'S SAD BECAUSE PEOPLE GIVE UP THEIR LIVES.

YOU GIVE UP YOUR POWER. THEY'RE GOING TO DENY THEIR OWN

AMBITIONS, THEIR OWN ABILITIES AND TALENTS FOR HIM.

EVERYTHING'S GOING TO BE DONE FOR HIM.

>> THE THING IS WHAT I WOULD SAY TO THEM IF I THOUGHT THAT THEY

COULD HEAR WAS HE IS NOT IT. HE IS ONLY HERE FOR HIMSELF, NOT

FOR YOU. NOW, COULD THEY HEAR THAT?

I KNOW THEY COULDN'T. I COULDN'T HEAR IT FOR 22 YEARS.

>> INNOCENT PEOPLE ARE COMING NOW TO THIS DAY, AND THEY'RE

VERY SINCERE AND THEY SHOULD KNOW.

THEY SHOULD KNOW THE TRUTH. >> THE ONLY WAY WE CAN GET TO

HIM IS UNDERCOVER. OTHERWISE IF HE SEES A CAMERA,

HE WILL DISAPPEAR.

>>> IN THE BEGINNING WHEN I CAME INTO THE BUDDHAFIELD, I

INITIALLY THOUGHT THAT I WAS FINDING A DEEPER TRUTH IN MY

FILMS. I THOUGHT I WAS CAPTURING LIFE

AND EXPRESSING LOVE. BUT REALLY I HAD JUST FED HIS

CAUSE AND CONTRIBUTED IN MY OWN WAY TO HURTING PEOPLE THAT I

LOVED. >> TESTING.

WHAT DO YOU THINK? >> YEAH.

>> FREAKED OUT. >> WHEN DID YOU GET HERE?

>> MY BIRTHDAY. STAYING OVER THERE.

AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING? >> JUST BEING ALIVE AND

ENJOYING. >> ME, TOO.

I MEAN, IT HASN'T BEEN EASY. KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YOU HAVE A LOT OF DESISCDISCIPL SEE, HUH?

>> NO. PEOPLE COME AND GO.

PEOPLE PASS THROUGH. >> WELL, ARE YOU BEING A GOOD

BOY? >> NO.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS. >> DON'T YOU THINK YOU SHOULD

LEARN WHAT THAT IS? >> GOOD AND BAD, BETTER TO FIND

OUT WHAT IS BEST. >> HAVE YOU BEEN BEING YOUR BEST

BOY? >> I'M JUST BEING.

>> FOR YEARS I FELT LIKE I HAD NO POWER, NO VOICE.

BUT I WAS WRONG. >> SORRY, ANDREAS, BUT SOMEBODY

NEEDS TO STOP YOU BECAUSE YOU'VE HURT MY BROTHER AND YOU HAVE

HURT MY OTHER BROTHERS IN WAYS THAT THEY WILL NEVER HEAL FROM,

AND YOU NEED TO GO DOWN, YOU UGLY, DISTORTED, SON OF A BITCH.

[ EXPLETIVE ] YOU. >> IT'S SORT OF THIS TEDIOUS

PROCESS OF LOOKING, SIFTING THROUGH EVERYTHING AND LOOKING

AT THE GOOD AND THEN LETTING GO OF SOME OF THE NEGATIVES.

THERE'S A LOT OF GOOD. I FEEL LIKE I'M MUCH MORE CLEAR,

MUCH MORE KNOWLEDGEABLE AND MUCH MORE AWARE THAN I WOULD HAVE

EVER BEEN IF I HADN'T GONE THROUGH THAT ENTIRE EXPERIENCE.

>> I DON'T THINK ABOUT THE BAD. IT DOESN'T COME IN MY KSHNESS

BECAUSE I ONLY REMEMBER WHAT WAS GOOD FOR ME AND WHAT HELPED ME.

AND WHAT HELPED ME WAS THIS, THIS CONNECTION WE HAD WITH EACH

OTHER. THIS WASN'T BECAUSE OF THE

TEACHER, IT WAS BECAUSE OF US. >> IT WAS THIS BEAUTIFULLY,

CRAZY, INSANE, HORRIBLE EXPERIENCE THAT HAS MADE ME WHO

I AM TODAY, AND I CAN'T WRAP MYSELF AROUND IT.

>> I'M REALLY GLAD ABOUT WHO I AM NOW.

I'M REALLY HAPPY WITH MY LIFE. I HAVE AN AMAZINGLY RICH,

BEAUTIFUL LIFE. I HAVE AN AMAZING --

>> I BOTH REGRET IT AND I DON'T REGRET IT AND I'M SUPER THANKFUL

AND REALLY HAPPY ABOUT WHO I AM NOW SO MAYBE IT'S WORTH THIS.

MEAN IT'S WORTH IT. >> IN 2006 I SHOT VIDEO

PORTRAITS OF SOME OF MY FRIENDS. BY THE TIME I FINISHED THE VIDEO

IN 2007, THE BUDDHAFIELD AS I HAD KNOWN IT HAD BROKEN APART.

¶ WE'LL DO IT ALL ¶ >> SOME FOLLOWED THE TEACHER TO

HAWAII BUT MOST LEFT. ¶ EVERYTHING ON OUR OWN ¶

>> IT WAS A CONFUSING TIME. ¶ WE DON'T NEED ANYTHING OR

ANYONE ¶ ¶ IF I WERE HERE, IF I JUST LAY

HERE ¶ ¶ WOULD YOU LAY WITH ME AND JUST

FORGET THE WORLD ¶ ¶ FORGET WHAT WE'RE TOLD BEFORE

WE GET TOO OLD ¶ ¶ SHOW ME A GARDEN THAT BURSTS

INTO LIFE ¶ ¶ ALL THAT I AM, ALL THAT I AM

OR WAS ¶ ¶ IT'S HERE IN YOUR PERFECT

EYES, THEY'RE ALL I CAN SEE ¶ ¶ I DON'T KNOW WHERE, CONFUSED

ABOUT HOW AS WELL ¶ ¶ JUST KNOW THAT THESE THINGS

WILL NEVER CHANGE US AT ALL ¶ ¶ IF I LIE HERE, IF I JUST LAY

HERE ¶ ¶ WOULD YOU LIE WITH ME AND JUST

FORGET THE WORLD ¶

¶ ¶

¶ ¶

¶ RAINING DOWN, RAIN DOWN ON ME, RAIN UNTIL YOU HEAL IT ¶

¶ AND THE GRAY SKY'S OVERSHADOWED IN THE CLOUDS ¶

¶ UP ABOVE ME AND SEE THE CLOUDS TURNING INTO CLEAR BLUE SKY ¶

¶ AND I'M ASKING YOU TO REVEAL IT ¶

¶ I'M ASKING YOU, ASKING YOU TO REVEAL THAT SKY INSIDE ¶

¶ ¶

¶ RAINING DOWN, DOWN UPON ME AND ALL AROUND I FEEL IT ¶

¶ RAINING DOWN, RAIN DOWN ON ME, RAIN UNTIL YOU HEAR IT ¶

¶ AND THE GRAY SKIES OVERSHADOW AND THE CLOUD UP ABOVE ME ¶

¶ WHERE ON THE OTHER SIDE, FALLING DOWN LIKE LOVE ¶

¶ AND I SEE THAT CLOUD AND I'M ASKING YOU ¶

¶ I'M ASKING YOU TO REVEAL THAT