Original subtitles

# 'Round 'round running 'round

# 'Round 'round running 'round

# Heading down a long long road upon my roller skates

# Getting where the sun don't stop to shine

# You can call me Rosco 'cause

# The other name I hate

# Getting in the middle of all that trouble again

# I always stop and smile at all the pretty ladies

# And they all like to stop and smile back at me

# But you can bet your bottom dollar

# I will end up in a mess

# Fighting with someone who bothered me

# 'Round 'round running 'round

# 'Round 'round running 'round

# Sitting in a burger bar just keeping to myself

# Eating quarter pounders is my game

# You can call me Doug but don't annoy me or you'll be

# In the middle of all that trouble again

# When just about to eat.

- Hi! - Hi!

- Where you headed? - That a way.

- Going south? - Uh huh!

Can you give me a ride?

That's why I stopped.

Be right back.

I'll be waiting.

# He started fooling with his voice

# And we all ended in a mess

# Fighting with someone who bothered us

# 'Round 'round running 'round

# 'Round 'round running 'round.

- Where? - Yoohoo!

# 'Round 'round running 'round

# 'Round 'round running 'round

# 'Round 'round running 'round.

Look!

Ah!

Son of a bitch.

Hey, you got a minute?

I gotta talk to you.

I'm having a hell of a tough road,

everybody's driving me nuts.

The same thing in the kitchen,

at the movie house last night.

I but every place I go,

everybody is driving me nuts.

Yeah, life is tough.

Call this justice, huh?

Poor guy like me makes one mistake.

It was an accident.

And I get life.

You know what happened, right?

I was down by the yard up on the green...

I know what happened.

Judge probably figured you dropping the catapult

on your mother in law's head was wrong.

So he had to get formal about it.

But I thought it was my wife!

I said I was sorry afterward.

She was too squashed to hear you.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Did I ever tell you why I'm in here?

See actually it was a prank and I had a lousy lawyer...

O'Riordan to the warden's office.

I think that's for you.

Thanks.

Nice talking to you.

When you come back I'll tell you why I'm in here.

No, this is not Caesar's Palace.

This is state penitentiary, that's what it is.

What?

Now look where am I gonna find two single quiet rooms

with a bath?

No I don't give two hoots what the governor

of the state has to say, even though they are nice guys.

Look, the best I can do is a double with no bath.

Take it or leave it.

That's what?

Well look yes, it'll be vacant this afternoon

and you can have it for a few days.

I'm expecting a couple of lifers in Saturday.

I don't know where to put them.

That's right.|

Yeah.

O'Riordan's here, sir.

Yeah, alright, bring him in, I'll only be a minute.

Hi.

Hello, yes, I can't help you.

Look, well do the best you can will you?

Because this isn't the only prison in the state, you know.

How are you Doug?

Sit down.

No thanks.

Tough life?

Tough?

Oh no, not for you.

You're free, as of now.

Free sir?

There was two weeks...

I got some newcomers coming in, I need the room.

I mean you been taking up too much space.

Plus the kitchen's been working overtime

since you been here.

You almost cost the state more money

than the entire space program.

That right?

You deserve it.

Believe me, for putting up with old Tim.

Yeah, poor old Tim.

Still insisting he's innocent.

Yeah, well it's a pity that his mother in law

insists on staying dead.

Alright Doug.

Now I want you to pack your bags

and pass through administration, see,

and get your ass outta here, okay?

Thanks sir.

Give 'em this form, and it'll pass him

right through administration.

Yes sir.

- Doug, been great. - Thank you sir.

You're welcome.

I finished my comic, you want it?

It's Superman.

Well, isn't this nice of you, I haven't read this one.

See ya.

- Say Doug? - Yes?

If another yacht bothers you while you're fishing,

don't sink it.

Not again, sir.

Bastard, I'll fix you.

Just wait and see.

Gimme another.

I'll be driving and them bugs keep messing my screen.

Chili and coffee.

I've taken out some heavies in my time,

but husky Joe, he was something else.

Man, he was tough.

How did it start?

How'd you beat him?

He said I couldn't unload my truck 'cause I was late.

He said them's the rules.

I said I don't give a frog's fanny about rules I said.

I'm unloading my truck and nobody's gonna stop me.

I started to get out and Husky, he tells me to split

or he take my backbone in a mincer.

And before he finishes talking I spin around,

reach up and grab his throat and drive his nose

through his gray matter.

I'd like to have seen that.

And two of his boys arrived, Jack the Bear

and Caterpillar Nick.

Hey, I know them.

Animals man, animals.

They were all over me, all over me.

I shook 'em off, I reached down, I grabbed my knife

and I started cutting 'em up.

Their old ladies, they're wearing black now.

Must've been some fight.

Here, choke on it.

Hey.

Gimme another one.

Hey, give us another beer, now.

You can wait 'til I finish cooking a hamburger.

I said now, garbage mouth can wait for his hamburger.

What did you say?

You talking to me?

Yeah.

What are you crazy or something?

You ever tried driving a truck

with your arms in plaster?

Hey, forget it.

He didn't mean what he said.

Now my buddy here will apologize and that'll end it.

Apologize nothin'!

Who asked you anyway, heh?

Hey listen butso, want another hamburger

you're gonna need your teeth so just sit on your high chair

and cool it!

- Hey that's funny. -

Hey you guys, just keep it quiet.

I don't want no trouble in this place or I'm...

Now for some laughs.

Sorry to disappoint you,

but I'm gonna be the only one laughing around here.

Why aren't you laughing?

Funny, eh?

You're gonna hit me right in the face,

aren't you?|

- Hey! -

Hey!

Hey, you finished them off in no time.

You could say.

Real thrash, huh?

You could say that too.

Hey, no way man, food's on me.

Alright, never refuse a free meal.

Great rigs, aren't they?

Yeah.

Where you headed?

South.

How about a ride?

Why not?

Tough life spending all day on wheels.

Where you from?

Manitoba.

You wanna put your legs up it's no problem.

Thanks.

- Where's the keys? - Huh?

In the ignition.

Oh yeah.

Rosco Frazer.

Oh yeah, Doug O'Riordan.

Okay Doug, let's hit the road.

Here we go.

Hello, operator.

Gimme the fuzz, gimme the flatfeet, gimme the cops.

Gimme the police.

Hey, come this way often?

First time, I usually hit the north.

Can't say I'm crazy about the view.

Don't worry, up the road, worse.

Hey, something's happened, turn on the radio.

Intensive care.

X-rays revealed multiple fractures throughout the body.

Doctors say the three men will be hospitalized

for at least 90 days.

In the words of Dr. Forbes of the orthopedic department,

it would be a lot easier to restore chopped liver

to its original form.

The owner, who was the first to regain consciousness

and call the police, said the attackers numbered

no more than two.

Doctors say the poor man is still in a state of shock.

Sheriff Cooley, the officer in charge of the investigation,

is convinced the gang of truck hijackers

consists of at least 10 men.

He went on to say the hunt for these criminals

will go on until they are

safely locked behind bars for life.

And now it's back to...

What a messed up world we live in.

Cops.

So, big deal.

We've got nothing to worry about.

Yeah.

The door.

I'd say you were speeding.

Speeding?

What are you talking about, officer?

That leader was good on 50.

Get outta here.

Let me see your driver's license.

Your log book, your cargo manifest.

You know, where you're coming from and where you're going.

You want anything else?

Not at the moment.

What do you want?

The papers.

What papers?

Log book, cargo manifest, insurance, the papers.

Why are you asking me?

Why am I asking you?

It's your truck, isn't it?

Mine?

Wait a minute.

All I did was ask you for a ride

and you said, "Why not?"

- You said... -

Now you just come out with your hands up.

How you doing officer?

Shut up!

Get up!

Get up and get against the truck!

Come on, get up there!

Spread 'em!

Hey, watch it.

I just hitched a ride with him, officer.

By the way, thanks a lot for nothing.

Hey, what are you, deaf?

I told you to shut up!

I'm clean, officer.

I'm just a roller bum.

Yeah well your roller bumming days are over buddy

for about the next 15 years.

15 years, are you...

Get your hands up!

Get your hands up.

15 years if the judge likes you.

Now turn around and keep your hands up.

They led us a nice little chase, eh Jim?

We been after you guys for months.

Months?

Get your hands up!

There's been a misunderstanding, officer.

Ho ho ho.

Is that what you call it?

We call it truck hijacking, aggression,

willful damage to private property, criminal association.

Alright you guys, freeze!

Or I'll blow you to hell and back.

Drop the hardware.

And no turning around if you know what's good for ya.

Now put your hands up.

Higher!

You too, trash can!

Wanna get us killed?

Do what they say!

Ah.

Wilbur, I really think we should be leaving.

You're quite right, Alice.

Okay you cops, in the truck.

And you, ape, open the back.

The man's talking to you, you better do it.

Start walking, and keep facing the truck.

Sorry fellas, this ain't a crime bust, it's a cop bust.

Okay coppers, get in.

Shut the door.

What do you think you're doing?

No!

No, no don't shoot!

I don't wanna die!

Die.

My god, they shot him!

What are you so worried about?

As far as the cops are concerned,

we're just a couple of missing dead bodies.

You oughta kill that siren

or they're gonna find one of those missing dead bodies now.

Any idea where to go?

You go your way, I go mine.

Oh, you're a loner.

Can't stand the sight of my own face in the mirror.

Ah, I see what you mean.

Where do you wanna go?

The furthest from you possible.

Great.

Hell of a place, I've never been there.

I'll go with ya.

Sure you will, blue eyes, over my dead body.

Hey baby, what's the first plane to Chattanooga?

TWA, 504 in 50 minutes.

Thanks blondie.

Could you tell me the next plane to Detroit, please?

That would be Pan Am, flight 116 at 12:35.

Thank you.

What's the first plane outta here?

That would be Eastern Airlines to Miami in 10 minutes.

But don't mention it!

This is the last call

for Eastern Flight 405, now boarding at gate 14 for Miami.

Mr. Steinberg and Mason are kindly requested

to pick up the tickets at the Eastern desk

and proceed immediately to departure gate 14.

Mr. Steinberg and Mason, please pick up your tickets

at the Eastern desk and proceed to gate 14.

Excuse me, I'd like a ticket to...

I'd like a ticket for Miami, please.

I'm sorry sir, but the Miami flight is fully booked.

They just called us if you could check it please.

- Okay, oh yeah, Mr. - Steinberg and Mason?

Yes, I'm Steinberg and this is Mr. Mason.

Okay, here you are, first class,

but you better hurry before you miss your flight.

Thanks.

Okay, you're welcome.

Come on Perry, let's go.

- Thanks. - Thank you.

Mr. Steinberg and Mason?

- Yeah, that's us. - Yeah.

This way please.

Fasten your belt please sir.

Fastened.

Hey, she means this one.

Oh, right.

His first flight.

Well if you need anything, just call.

Did you get it?

If you need anything, just press this button

and the stewardess will come running.

But if you have to throw up,

you use this bag, alright?

Come on, that's a doggie bag.

Hey, they closed the door, I feel cooped in.

That's what they usually close, the door.

Before takeoff.

Oh.

Something tells me it's been a bungle.

Yeah, K1 is gonna be real mad.

Yeah.

What's happening?

Beats me.

Would you follow me please?

That's it, the party's over.

Guess so.

Yeah.

One minute more and you woulda missed us.

Well it wasn't my fault.

My flight from Washington was late.

Anything else?

Oh yeah, I almost forgot, figures.

Here's the key for the attache case and for the cuffs.

Okay.

Good luck fellas, good luck.

Oh, there is one thing.

Can I ask you guys a favor?

Please do not put in your report

that I was late getting here.

Okay, just this once.

Okay, thanks a lot, appreciate it.

Are we gonna open it?

Key.

I don't like it.

You saw his ID, the man was a government agent.

So what?

We didn't steal the case, he gave it to us.

You're right, you're right!

Ha!

Hey, what do you got in mind?

Disappear, enjoy my windfall.

All my troubles are over, friend.

Uh uh, our troubles are over.

Come on, let's go to the john and split our windfall.

Sit still.

Look, are you coming to the john or aren't ya!

Sit down, in Miami.

Then it's every schmuck for himself.

Sir, where's the toilet?

The whole world is a toilet, man.

But I guess the one you want is right over there.

Thanks.

You jerks grabbed the wrong Mason and Steinberg.

Of course they didn't talk, because the real ones

are right here in Miami.

I can smell an agent a mile off.

The airport's crawling with government men

waiting to meet them.

Okay K1, right away.

Yes.

Oh sure, there are no vacancies.

Get outta here.

You gonna take long, sir?

Who knows?

Can you hurry it up please?

There are some things in life that can't be hurried.

Blue eyes.

In the corner.

In here?

50/50 and every man for himself.

Shots!

Don't move, don't anyone move!

That's it men, get over there, get 'em up!

Get those men against the wall.

Look under those stalls!

Get your hands up and keep your pants down.

Freeze and don't shit!

Hold it right where you are!

Don't fool around, man.

Find 'em, they gotta be here somewhere!

Who are they looking for?

Dunno.

Stay right where you are!

Who fired those shots?

Nobody fired any shots.

Two boys threw some firecrackers in that wastebasket

then they ran out.

Firecrackers?

Yeah, I saw them do it.

Okay, but nobody moves until ballistics gets here.

Look out chief, behind the door!

Okay Kojac, you got us.

Just take it easy.

How about letting us go on a three way split?

I know you won't believe this,

but we got our hands on the money by accident.

I'll take that.

Yeah, you know how it is.

Oh yes, sure.

It's true.

Alright please back, back, back.

Sorry my men had to be so rough on you.

But we had to make it look good.

The name's Scott, Jeremy Scott.

Hi Jeremy.

- Hi. - Hi.

Hi.

My compliments.

You acted your parts brilliantly.

When I heard those shots,

for a second I thought you guys had had it.

Mistaking firecrackers for bullets.

Yeah.

You know, posing as cheap hoods was pure genius

on your part.

What else could we do, advertise who we were?

No, of course not.

Well seeing as we are who we are, this is mine.

Yes, naturally, I mean.

Hot, huh?

You said it.

I'd give an arm to be like you guys.

Was the training tough?

Yeah.

The chief can't wait to meet you.

I mean he's really excited.

Chief?

What's the chief like?

We call him Tiger.

He can be as sweet as a pussycat,

but if he catches you dipping your whiskers in his milk,

just go kill yourself.

That reminds me, when you write up your report,

if you'd leave out the firecracker bit,

I'd really appreciate it.

If you'll keep your mouth shut.

You heard him.

Yeah, I understand all about that,

but what about Fidel Castro?

Well he just woke up at noon, sir.

What kind of revolutionary is he?

He sleeps more than Raquel Welch.

He played basketball last night,

then enjoyed the company of a woman until

about six o'clock this morning.

Well how is his health?

The satellite

has just sent out this information.

So?

Blood pressure 80 up to 130,

heart beat 48 at rest, 49 under stress.

Muscle tone excellent, slept well, regular digestion,

defecates like a baby, no sign of diarrhea

or any other abnormalities.

So the beard's in good shape, huh?

You said it, sir.

Shit.

Just a minute.

Hello?

Oh good, send them right in.

I'll be right back.

Agents Mason and Steinberg, sir.

Alright Scott, you can go now.

They got our man in Havana, sir.

Too bad.

He was a good agent.

Well.

Welcome to Miami, boys.

Thanks, sir.

Yeah.

Kiss me, I'm black.

Good disguise.

Well, who would have dreamed that underneath

these filthy, stinking rags

are hiding two of our top agents?

Two chosen from over 10,000 applicants.

Well, we were just lucky.

Let's hope it stays that way.

You don't become pilots, climbers, divers,

marksmen, karate experts, parachutists, saboteurs,

knife throwers, experts in code, radio transmitting,

signals, camouflage, medicine, chemicals

just by pure luck!

Hmm.

And Agent Steinberg is also a ventriloquist, sir.

Really?

And Mason's a great dishwasher, sir.

Eh.

- Oh. -

They got our man in Alaska, sir.

- Too bad. - Pity.

You know, it amazes me how a man of your size

can scale vertical walls and buildings.

I just don't understand that.

He's something else, a real spider.

No shit?

No shit, sir.

Alright, shall we go?

Yeah.

Sir look, they got our man in Rome!

Get outta here.

We won't be needing you today, lieutenant.

Agent Mason will pilot the chopper.

Yes sir.

I think I'll stay here while you go up.

I've got a couple of things to check on...

Don't worry, Steinberg.

Anything you have to do today can wait.

Are you crazy or something?

Hey you're not a pilot!

Ah shut up, for a million bucks

I'll fly the space shuttle.

Alright Mason, let's go.

Oh god help!

Pressure okay?

The carburetor?

Eh.

Alright Mason, head toward Miami Beach.

Right.

Switch off the radio Mason,

we've got some long ears around here.

Hear that?

Many long ears around here.

Sure.

See that down there?

That's Miami Beach.

All the tourists makes it easy

for those bastards to mingle

with all the honest millionaires on vacation.

Their plan is mindboggling, boys.

You have got to stop them.

You can count on us.

Yeah, oh yeah, take a look down there.

That's the best hotel on the beach.

There's a $2500 a day suite booked in your name.

You have the plans for the building.

I imagine that you've already studied.

We know that hotel inside out, sir.

Course you do.

As you know, you'll be disguised as rich Texans

out for a good time.

We'll manage, sir.

Yeah.

Ah, look, see that man down there on the side

with the ice cream cart?

He's one of our agents.

Got a brain like a computer,

never misses a thing.

You might not believe this but he was my idea.

Was, eh?

Alright, let's get this show on the road.

Okay.

Alright Mason, you're first.

Front.

Left profile.

Back.

Arms out.

Right profile.

Alright you're finished.

Okay Steinberg.

Front.

Left.

Back.

Arms out.

Right profile.

You're finished.

Hiya Sam.

Hi!

Oh, these are the ones.

Hi Sam.

Hi.

Now, in addition to your usual talents

I've asked Sam to prepare a little something extra for you.

Go ahead, Sam.

These little babies contain what we call Eros Plus,

a love inducing drug.

You know as well as I how important it is

in your profession to be on good terms with the ladies.

Short burst on the clothes

and no woman will be able to resist you.

Thus turning herself into a mine of information.

And it works?

Hey wait a minute, I don't need that.

Try him.

Just a minute.

Molly?

Yes sir?

Would you come in please?

Yes sir.

Sam.

Now this Molly that's coming in.

She's been with us for 15 years.

She's like a rock.

She doesn't even know what the word sex means!

She's like a rock.

Come in.

Molly, I would like a list

of all the personnel in the operative section.

I would like a list of their duties,

the color of their eyes, the size of their clothes,

whether they're right handed, left handed, their shoe size.

Molly, Molly!

Hi.

Hi.

You can go now, Molly.

Shut up.

Oh, for god's sake Mason, you tell her.

You can go now.

Yes.

Thank you.

Nice meeting you.

- Bye. - Bye.

Bye bye.

Well, what do you think, boys?

Sam, you're a real genius.

Oh, show 'em the next thing, Sam.

Now that's incredible.

Tear it longitudinally and it's just like

any other roll of toilet paper.

And in case of emergencies it can even be employed

in this more traditional use.

But.

- But? - But?

Used longitudinally, it becomes highly resistant.

Could pull a truck, support the weight of a cable car.

No more climbing out of a window.

Do you eat a lot of brain food?

That's not all!

- No? - No!

Well, here we are.

What do you think of that?

Isn't she a sight for sore eyes?

Come on, take a look at this, look.

What about that?

Six horns, gold, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful!

Let me show you.

Even the paint, even the paint is bulletproof!

Good work, Sam.

In addition to its usual functions,

we've added a self-destruct mechanism.

Just push that red button there and you have

only five seconds to get away.

No ejection seat?

What's the top speed?

Just under 200 miles an hour.

That's all we need, picked up for speeding.

Well, you've done it again Sam.

Everything perfect down to the last minute detail.

What about the registration?

What?

The registration's expired.

Expired?

Yeah, look at it.

Terrific.

And you expect us to drive it?

And what if a cop stops us, what do we say?

We're the CIA?

And what about gas?

Did you fill her up or do we have to get out and push?

Sam?

I'm sorry, mistake by one of the boys.

Not my boys, not my boys!

You fix it!

- Sir, sir? - Yes?

Fix it.

Your clothes are ready, and here are the documents.

Boys, look boys.

When you write out your report,

if you could just sort of overlook

the expired registration I'd really appreciate it.

Well if you keep your mouth shut.

- Okay. - You've got it.

That'll be all, Sam.

Alright, your clothes are ready.

Here are your cards.

Unlimited credit cards.

You have an American Express card, Diner's Club,

Carte Blanche, Master Charge, Visa.

You belong to the yacht club, golf club, tennis club,

country club, sex club, Playboy club.

Your license to hunt, fish, and kill.

Well I guess we've got everything.

Oh no, there's one other thing.

This one will make your jaws drop.

Alright, now boys a miracle of modern technology.

You ready gentlemen?

Go.

We're putting into your teeth a micro capsule.

With the aid of this capsule and the Boyer satellite

we will be able to pinpoint your positions

anywhere on the face of this planet,

down to about three feet.

No shit.

No shit!

Isn't that fantastic?

Yeah, are you sure it won't fall out like

you know if somebody hits me?

Out of the question.

They are wedged to your teeth

and anchored to your jawbone.

And that's not all, if we try to remove it

without first deactivating it,

this whole building would be just another address.

- Boom, boom! -

Yeah, great.

Do you realize how lucky you are?

You met me, your life took on a new meaning.

Will you listen to this guy?

There I was, sitting and eating a couple of burgers

and I met a blue-eyed mug.

Now I got a mini atomic bomb in my mouth

and a satellite who's raring to tell the whole world

when and where I go to the john,

and you call that lucky?

The satellite bugging you?

Oh this fucking thing.

And then of course there's a video game, Tiger's office.

The what?

The world map on the wall.

You saw the cute little light that flashes,

tells Tiger who's finished his chips.

You don't get any more.

We've lost a couple of our boys in Miami Beach, chief.

Pity.

Yeah.

Really good, especially the big one, me.

What are you complaining about?

There is a million bucks in that case plus credit cards.

What's a few hassles compared to that?

Hassles he says.

We're on the firing line, don't you understand?

You're a real downer, aren't you?

Maybe they won't kill us, just maim us bad.

Hey, that's better.

Anyway, if you wanna split, I'll take the money and run.

Forget it.

For a million dollars, I'll...

Half a million.

Half a million.

For a half a million dollars

I'd consider wrestling a gorilla.

Now you're talking.

Let's just think of all the fun we're gonna have.

Hey, want some music?

Sure.

Ice cream one to igloo, ice cream one to igloo,

do you read me?

Yes I do, go ahead.

They've just arrived, they're fantastic.

Welcome to Miami Beach, gentlemen.

What's so funny?

Take the horse to the stable

and give her a good rub down.

Yes sir.

What about the cow?

Her name's Calamity Jane.

Find her a field, milk her twice a day,

keep her away from the bulls, otherwise it'll be your butt.

Got it?

Yes sir, I think I have.

Take it away.

This way gentlemen.

Easy son, I've shot men for less than that.

This watering hole's not bad.

Nice heifers around here.

Ain't much grass though.

Yep, this is my kind of place.

I'll be with you in just a moment sir.

What's everybody around here so happy about?

No trouble at all, we'll be delighted to see you again.

Oh no, we'll be happy to...

Now then, may I help you?

We have a reservation for your 2500 buck penthouse.

Just a moment please.

Oh yes, yes, that's mister...

Yep, that's us.

- Yes. -

Leonard.

Yes sir?

Leonard, will you accompany these gentlemen

to the royal suite?

- Oh yes sir! -

I'll carry the saddle.

Would you follow me?

This is state, move out.

Push, Leonard!

Yes sir, sir, they're here.

They're dressed as two rich Texans.

Very elegant, sir.

Yes sir.

This is the bathroom, gentlemen.

Now that's a great toilet.

Strange outhouse.

Rich people do it together, didn't you know that?

No.

Hey, get that toilet paper out of there.

- The toilet paper, sir? - Yeah.

We travel with our own toilet paper.

If that's what you want.

That's what we want.

If there's nothing else sir, I'll be leaving?

Good thinking, Lenny.

Thank you, sir.

My pleasure, son.

Hey, it's all ours.

I wonder if they packed our socks.

Funny.

- Hey, I'll get it. - You get it.

What do you want?

Oh, hi chief.

It's Tiger.

Yeah, sure.

No, no trouble at all.

Yeah, I'm sure.

Great piece of work.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

As soon as we make contact we move into action, right.

Don't worry, we're gonna hit 'em hard.

Yeah, okay, okay.

Thanks chief.

They've gotta be hit.

Jump, jump!

Hi, how's the water?

Come on in!

Don't go away.

Excuse me, miss?

What can I do for you?

What can you do for me?

A whole lot.

How about a Venus Milk?

Sounds like you can't beat that.

Maybe you can with the bite of a tiger.

Uh, yeah, well just give me a Shirley Temple for now.

With a cherry?

Sure, and maybe we could exchange bites tonight.

Oh, I have a hard time convincing my folks

to let me out nights.

Gee, that's too bad 'cause I'm not allowed

to nibble on duty.

You a police officer?

Sort of, I'm a secret agent, if you can keep a secret.

Oh sure.

You on vacation?

Vacation?

Does James Bond ever take a vacation?

Neither do I.

I hope you like it.

Mm, good.

Hey miss,

could we have some drinks over here please?

I'll be all yours in just a second sir.

I won't be long.

Eat the cherry, it's a blast.

A blast, yeah.

Hey!

That could have hurt!

Go!

Police, hey!

What do you want?

Your jet ski, thanks.

Yeah?

Your hamburgers, sir.

It's open.

All this for a half a dozen burgers, huh?

Our hamburgers are very special, sir.

Good, start serving.

Here we have fresh onions.

And here is the lettuce.

Here we have the tomato.

And I sir am the bun.

So what am I, the chopped beef?

Exactly, sir.

They're coming in the window!

The stairs!

Oh, take your time, move, move.

I ask you for half an onion.

You smart you, out you go, sacre bleu.

Who's the boss around here?

C'est moi monsieur, I am the chef.

What do I to do with this joint

to get half a dozen hamburgers?

Hamburger?

I'll take care of him.

Come on, forget the whole thing, let's be friends.

Why not?

Hello hello, security, yeah, yeah.

Get the police in right away.

What do you mean they're out to lunch?

Ow!

Oh, hey, let me see that.

Okay, okay, I get it now.

Hey, watch out, you coulda choked yourself.

Did they come back from lunch yet?

Well send them down, they're killing each other.

Let's go, let's go!

Thanksgiving, aha!

- Listen, you know that... - Shh.

What the hell do you want?

While you were polishing off that eagle,

I was fighting off a Shirley Temple.

What you got against Shirley Temple?

Nothing, but the cherry went off like an atomic bomb.

The cherry?

Right.

And Shirley?

The girl, she took off on a parachute,

but I chased her on a scooter and sank her

and then I picked her up.

You're such a nice guy.

After all that I guess you got an explanation.

You bet.

I asked her for the name of the cherry dealer.

That's real CIA.

She said she didn't know anything.

Did you torture her?

Yeah but I got her to talk in the end.

She said a couple of Chinese promised her 10 C notes

if she messed up all our guts.

And 10 slugs if she failed.

- Chinese again. - Again?

What do you mean?

While you were cracking your cherry,

four Chinese gentlemen wanted to chop me up

into chopped beef.

I wonder where they come from.

The Seaquarium.

The Seaquarium?

Yeah, it's gotta be the place.

That's where the girl was supposed to pick up her money.

So what else did you find out?

Well, she started to cry.

Oh, tears eh?

Well guess who had to comfort her?

Well you know how it is.

Listen, if we don't find out fast who wants us dead,

that's what we'll end up being, dead.

Those two bastards are more dangerous than I thought.

They've gotta be hit and fast.

Hot Dog calling Cobra, Hot Dog calling Cobra.

This is Cobra, this is Cobra.

Follow them and exterminate before they reach

the Seaquarium.

Hey let's go, they're coming.

Remember, our orders are to kill.

Okay.

As soon as they turn off, we blast 'em.

Okay.

Get ready.

Okay.

Hey, car following us.

Relax, there's always a car following you.

Look, we're following them.

Besides our ice cream man would have warned us

if something was fishy.

He's a real agent, not like you.

Hey, where's the money?

Relax, it's in a safe place.

Where?

Here.

How about some music?

Holy shit!

I wish we could afford a car like that.

Yeah, me too.

Now what?

Don't sweat it.

It's gonna be a piece of cake.

Let's keep our eyes open.

These guys aren't playing for nickels.

We've got the upper hand.

They don't know we're here.

Your attention please.

Mr. Mason and Mr. Steinberg

to the information office please.

You are wanted on the telephone.

Mr. Mason and Mr. Steinberg

to the information office please.

Who could that be?

Our peeping tom in the sky.

Oh yeah, you're right.

Okay, I'll go see what the old man wants.

You hold the fort out here.

Okay.

Don't get in the habit of giving orders.

Mommy, I want a soda.

Alright dear, now we'll go get a drink.

Popcorn, medium.

Hey mister, I'm looking for a Chinese guy.

Yeah well he might be right down in the bottom.

Smart ass.

You see Mason, the most successful tricks

are the easiest ones, it's that simple.

Where's Steinberg?

Yeah, I was just about to ask you the same question.

Talk, Mason, or we'll rip your teeth out one by one.

Except for one, 'cause it's a bomb.

Playing for time will get you nowhere, Mr. Mason.

Now listen, Wonder Woman, you've got the wrong man.

I don't know who you are or what you want.

Don't mess with us, Mason.

We know everything about you.

We've kept our eyes on you

ever since you boarded the plane for Miami.

Oh, surprised, huh?

For the last time, Mason, where's Steinberg?

Is this the information office?

Yes it is, how can I help you?

Well I'm looking for my friend.

He came to answer the phone.

Mr. Mason?

Yeah, that's him.

Yes, he's here, come on in.

Are you sure it's no trouble?

Sure I'm sure.

Can you make it though?

You bet I can.

How nice of you to drop in, sit down.

How do you like that?

I've been waiting for you outside.

I bet he's been driving you nuts with all his talk.

Once he starts, forget it.

Yes, such a happy fellow.

What?

This is some kind of a joke, huh?

Oh it's no joke, put your hands up, please.

You did well to avoid our hit men,

but now it's all over for you.

K1 is gonna be proud of us,

there's no stopping him now.

Charlie Chan, tell the driver we can leave, would ya?

Move out.

What's happening?

Well, are you coming or staying?

- Watch your back. - Come on.

Ow!

Wonder Woman'll get you for that.

After them!

No, not with your guns, you fools!

Uh oh, who are they?

Trouble.

Doug, Doug, Doug, you got visitors!

Oh I love company.

Come on, come on.

You come up, I'm tired.

Urgent, all police report to the killer whale stadium.

Calling all police, calling all police

to the killer whale stadium.

- What a way to go! -

Calling all police, calling all police

to the killer whale stadium.

Bills, bills, more bills.

What do you expect to find, K1's address?

Hey, crime doesn't pay, but it sure feeds you.

- Great gun. - Listen to this.

300 hot dogs, 300 hamburgers, 600 sandwiches,

15 pounds of onions, five of ketchup and five of mustard.

No pickles?

Hello?

This is Hot Dog.

Hold on.

It's Hot Dog.

Go ahead.

Did you get 'em?

Of course we got them.

In that case I'm asking for permission

to leave my position.

Why do you ask?

The ice cream man's getting excited,

he keeps transmitting.

Oh, well just stay where you are,

I'll tell you when to leave.

Thanks a lot.

You're welcome.

Would you like a hot dog sir?

Smashing.

Get me a hamburger, please.

Yes sir, coming up.

Hey, what about my hamburger?

Oh it's ready in two seconds, sir.

Hey, thanks.

How do you like it?

Raw.

That's our specialty, sir.

Wait a minute, I know nothing!

Onions?

I love onions.

You like tomatoes, sir?

Yeah, why not?

Salad?

Just a touch.

Little salad.

Mustard?

A lot of mustard.

Lot of mustard.

Ketchup I take it?

A lot of ketchup.

A lot of ketchup.

You like pepper, sir?

How'd you guess?

Oh, lots of pepper.

Pepper.

One hamburger, raw.

Alright.

Hey, this hamburger stinks.

Stinks sir?

That's impossible.

The meat's our freshest, it's still alive!

- Oh yeah? - Yeah.

Then you eat it.

No, don't!

What's wrong?

I'm just the lookout, I only transmit the orders.

Yeah, K1's orders.

Yeah, that's right.

And who told them we were going to the Seaquarium?

The Buddha.

Buddha.

Another agent.

We'll make him talk as well.

Yeah, when we find him.

In your hotel suite.

And?

There's a TV camera in the statuette.

And?

And the desk clerk, the desk clerk put it there.

And?

He's in contact with K1.

- Got everything straight? - Yeah.

- Any problems? - Nah.

Only one.

What?

That it won't work.

Just think about the million bucks.

It'll work.

I'd like to go stand in Niagara Falls.

I know what you mean.

To hell with them all, especially that nosy K1.

Hey, where'd you put the booze?

Half hour in the shower.

Oh, I didn't see it.

Hey, you want a drink?

First a shower,

then I'm gonna down that whole bottle

and probably follow it up with another.

Huh.

I was thinking about that guy at the desk.

I can't hear you, what'd you say?

The guy at the desk!

Can you believe it?

We'll make him talk, just you wait and see.

Right, and he's lead us straight

to that nut's bunkhouse.

May I help you?

Get lost, and fast.

Got a problem?

Yeah, oh no, I must have left my steering wheel

in the office.

Yeah, happens sometimes.

I can't imagine where my mind is, well,

if you'll excuse me.

No.

- No? - No.

Has he talked yet?

No, he's a real tough nut.

Needs persuading, huh?

In your report, say he was cut up by a train

as he tried to escape.

Real messy.

No, please, wait!

You gonna talk?

Well how can I talk if you don't ask me anything?

Who's K1, where is he?

- Oh, you mean... - Yeah.

Oh I have no idea, I can't...

We already know that, and then?

Look, I don't know who or where he is, I swear it.

He calls me!

You'll have to do better than that.

- Mr. Spider, Mr. - Spider and his lady,

they know where he is!

I think he means shifty in the van.

- Oh, Wonder Woman. - And?

They're the closest to him!

Mr. Spider is his chief of security.

And?

And the Buffalo Bill shooting club,

they go there every morning to practice!

And?

In a big blue Olds, it's a 1982, 1980, blue!

And?

Its license plate is ZSG255.

Not bad.

Yes, I usually aim between the eyes.

Honest Mr. Spider, I didn't say a word!

Idiot, let's go.

Go!

Got them.

Anyone following us?

I don't think so.

There they are, it's them, hit the gas.

Go that way.

To the hidden ranch.

Come on Doug, let's get this show on the road.

Well that's the end of that.

This is Spider speaking, sir.

I'm delighted to say I just witnessed

those two burn in that monstrosity of a car.

Congratulations.

Thank you sir.

Come on in.

Yes, we'll come right over.

Let's go.

Steinberg, sir.

Oh, Steinberg.

Steinberg?

Steinberg, where are you?

We've been looking everywhere for you!

What do you mean where am I?

You know where I am, sir.

Listen, we found out a way to break into the gang.

I gotta know where Mason is.

Well that's impossible.

The satellite is out!

What?

It exploded, we don't even know how.

Oh great.

Steinberg, Stein!

So, they're at the hotel, eh?

They must have left when I went to get the pistachio.

The pistachio?

I ran out, sir.

Oh.

- Hi officers. - Hi.

Can we help you, man?

Yeah, I need one of your bikes.

That one or would you rather have that one?

It doesn't matter, either one, I'm in a hurry.

Oh hey hey hey, wait a minute, I need a receipt first.

Oh.

You need anything else sir?

Yeah, a blue Olds, license plate Florida ZSG255.

Been looking for it for a while.

Well we haven't seen it but I'll put out an APB.

Hey, there it is!

Hey, he found it.

He sure knows his job.

- That's really some eye. - Shit.

Hi.

Hi.

Why didn't you take your time?

I was enjoying it in here.

Luck ran out at last, huh?

He's my partner, Doug!

Hey Doug!

Hi.

Oh, I did that.

I thought I'd make it look, you know, more realistic.

Good thinking.

Well, where are our friends?

This is weird, the parking lot's packed

but where are the people?

This is getting crazier by the minute.

Well when you gotta go, you gotta go.

That's quite a thought.

I bet it's the best john in town.

Well maybe.

Let's hope they do it this time, I really mean it.

Yes, I'm sure everything will work out.

I don't think I could bear another wait.

I've been looking forward to this for so long.

Oh there's no need for you two to sit down, it's alright.

Well if you'll excuse us.

Yes, I'm afraid it's our moment of truth.

I like it here by the window.

Goodbye dear.

Oh honey, please be careful.

- Oh isn't it exciting? - Darling?

We wish we could be with you in your moment of truth.

Yes.

I know you do dear but you'll have to be patient.

When will we see you again?

We'll be finished by noon tomorrow.

Oh I wish I could be there to hold your hand.

- Good luck! - Good luck!

- Thank you. - Good luck!

- Keep in touch with us! - We will.

- Good luck, goodbye. - Goodbye.

Bye.

Oh I do hope they do it this time, I hope so.

They've been waiting so long.

They deserve success, I mean the way

they dedicate their lives to it.

Yes, lesser men would have given up.

Oh I know!

Oh yes, they are extraordinary men.

They have a mission in life.

Yes, truly such courage.

Oh I hope they do.

Pretty hard to believe.

You said it.

They didn't just vanish into thin air.

Hey.

Ah, check the cubicles.

Nothing here.

Eh, nothing there.

I don't know.

Maybe they went in the ladies.

Hey.

What?

It's locked!

Hey, the wall!

I wish I knew where we were.

We're in a moving john.

Let's go.

Magic fingers, you first.

What are you stopping for?

Some elevator.

How do you like that?

A ship.

This is the end of the line, gentlemen.

I do hope you weren't inconvenienced in any way coming here.

Ha, not at all.

This way please.

- Ah, Mr. Mason and Mr. - Steinberg, I suppose.

You suppose right.

Welcome aboard The Future, gentlemen.

Nice boat, huh?

Please gentlemen, sit down,

make yourselves at home here, please.

It's not bad this little tub.

It's only a toy, really.

By the way, what does K1 stand for?

Nothing, absolutely nothing.

K1, I love the sound of it, it suits me.

It's kind of mysterious, don't you think?

Oh sure.

My compliments, gentlemen.

You not only frustrated my attempts

to assassinate you, but you invaded the very heart

of my organization.

I had no idea that the Central Intelligence Agency

had men of your caliber.

Well, if it'll make you feel better we didn't either.

Eh, come on over here.

Alright, get lost.

Gentlemen, I've decided to offer you an alternative.

As a matter of fact two choices.

That's real generous.

The first one, you die.

Can't wait to hear the second one.

The second choice, you work for me.

Huh.

Well not to be difficult but before I go over

to the opposition, I would like, I mean we would like

to know a little about your plans.

In the not too distant future, gentlemen,

I, K1, shall rule the world.

Don't you think that maybe you should work up to it?

No, not at all, no.

You got an ambitious project there.

As you know gentlemen, the space shuttle will be

taking off from the Cape in just a matter

of a few hours.

Well, so far we're with you.

Then?

10 seconds after launching a missile will be fired

from one of my atomic submarines

stationed off the coast of Florida.

It will intercept the shuttle precisely seven miles

above the Cape.

The explosion will be carried live via television

all over the world!

The missile will be carrying a deadly warhead,

the K bomb.

It will intercept the shuttle, explode on contact

spreading a deadly cloud of radiation

all over the entire planet.

The K bomb is the most formidable deadly weapon

ever conceived by the human brain.

It will conserve both men and things

but the mind will be wiped clean of the number.

Number, what number?

All of them.

Each and every one of them.

All of them?

Yes, all of them.

The idea of numbers will disappear.

Without them the world will come to a halt!

Calculators will vomit out indecipherable gibberish.

Measurements will lose all their meaning.

There will be chaos.

Do you think this is a dream?

Maybe it is for you, but not for me.

Then there's no way out.

Either we go along with the guy or we die.

Imagine a world without numbers.

Baseball games without scores.

I can't.

What about the telephone?

How do you make a call without a number?

Means you can't call out for Chinese!

Right, or order two Big Macs.

Two, why not 10, 100?

Or, uh, enjoy the million.

What million you talking about?

What do you mean what million?

Our million.

Our million is our million.

A million dollars is always a million dollars.

Or isn't it?

Puff.

Puff.

Feed him, take him for a walk.

Observe gentlemen, the space shuttle at Canaveral.

My atomic submarine.

The Future Two.

Operations Houston.

Oh how I'd love to see their faces.

And now the marvel of all marvels.

Your finger, sir?

Ah!

When they finish the countdown on the shuttle

my submarine will start its countdown.

10 seconds, and after those fateful 10 seconds

I will push this button.

A sublime gesture that will place me, K1,

amongst the gods.

Well gentlemen, are you with me or are you against me?

Well.

For the time being we're still with us

but there's a good chance we'll swing with you.

Let me warn you, you don't have much time.

A little bit more than a minute.

Sit next to me.

- Hey thanks. - Yeah.

Hey, don't touch that button.

No no, I won't sir.

We've made contact with Future Two sir.

Fantastic.

Houston's continuing countdown.

30 seconds to launch now.

19, 18, 17.

17.

16, 15, 14, 13, 12, 11.

This is Future Two, sir.

30 seconds to launch our missile.

10, nine, eight, seven, six, five,

four, three, two, one, we have ignition.

Last shuttle launch.

Our missile's already in the free burn stage, sir.

Perfect.

10 seconds until the launch of my missile, gentlemen.

Nine, eight, seven, five, six, six, five.

What?

Five or six?

I hear seven.

Me two, me two I hear two!

Wait a minute!

Three or four I gotta know!

He said four!

Four, are you sure?

What's going on here?

Hey press the button, this button!

I can't, oh yeah!

Hey sir, almost, you missed it by one or two inches.

Don't take it too hard sir.

Everybody makes mistakes, I mean,

everybody makes mistakes.

I mean, I'm all choked up.

You're a ventriloquist.

You're a goddamn ventriloquist!

Me?

- Sir. - Yes.

You said one when it should have been two!

That's what he is, he's...

- Sir may I be excused? - Shame on you.

May I be excused sir?

Yes, you may be, wait a minute.

Get 'em!

Go, grab 'em, grab 'em!

Whoa!

No, ladies first.

No, after you.

I'll see you later.

Turn around.

You're a lady, I don't hit ladies.

You hear me?

I don't hit ladies.

Hey Doug, don't just stand there, buy her some flowers.

She wants you to kiss her.

You're next, buddy.

Thanks a lot.

- Get up. - Some hook.

Now what?

- I'll tell you what! -

Hey Doug, I'm gonna split.

Hey!

That's for beating up blue eyes.

Get that bastard!

Get him, get him, you too!

Oh, me too?

Let go, it's me!

Can't you see it's me?

I come with a mop.

- A mop? - Come on, let's go.

- Okay. - Yeah.

Hey Spider, get over here!

- Yes sir. - You lost 'em!

Where the hell?

Get out there!

Make believe you're hitting me

and I'll yell for help.

Make believe!

Help, help!

Get him, get him!

Get that punk, he's in there, in there, in there, get him.

Come on, get outta here.

Your mop.

Did you find 'em?

Well come on, they just didn't disappear.

Why can't you find 'em?

Get down there!

I gotta find 'em, get down there!

Where are they?

We can't find them.

How dare you!

You bastard!

What the hell is going on?

They touched my ass!

Who cares?

I don't give a damn about your butt, god help me.

What are you doing?

Spider!

Cut it out you guys.

Come back here!

Take that!

You too.

Watch you son of a bitch, I'm coming down.

That's a lot of lady.

Packs a mean right.

Yeah.

By the way, how about a last trip to the john?

That's a terrific idea.

Come on, get outta here!

Shut the door!

Let's get back to the hotel, pick up the money and blow.

Fantastic boys, fantastic!

I'm really proud of you.

Even I didn't think you could pull it off

after the Boyer satellite blew up.

Peeping tom went pop?

Like a paper bag.

I'll tell you the truth.

When Steinberg called me and asked me for your position

using the satellite, I was very embarrassed.

Well, that's all water under the bridge,

let's just forget it.

Nuh uh, I'm not forgetting anything.

And you're right, you're right Mason.

Steinberg did a wonderful job when he found you.

- Steinberg? - Yep.

I had to.

I couldn't have done it without my partner.

Of course!

Okay, let's just pack up our things and...

You don't have to worry.

That's all been taken care of.

Credit cards, papers, the million dollars,

all been sent back to where it came from.

Oh, it's been taken care of?

Absolutely!

Great, great.

I knew it.

What about these bombs?

No, we don't have time for anything.

You're going to meet the president.

The president?

What president?

The president of the United States!

He has invited you to spend the weekend

at Camp David with him.

No kidding?

No kidding!

There's just one small thing.

Uh, uh.

I would consider it a personal favor if you

didn't mention the ice cream man.

# And they all like to stop and smile and make a fuss

# But you can bet your bottom dollar

# We will end up in a mess.

Well, if you keep your mouth shut.

# 'Round 'round running 'round

# 'Round 'round running 'round