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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,643 --> 00:00:05,393 ♫ Wheels on fire 2 00:00:06,643 --> 00:00:11,313 ♫ Rolling down the road 3 00:00:12,125 --> 00:00:16,550 ♫ Best notify my next of kin 4 00:00:16,765 --> 00:00:22,204 ♫ This wheel shall explode ♫ 5 00:00:24,965 --> 00:00:27,315 - What is that? - A Christmas tree. 6 00:00:29,525 --> 00:00:32,336 - Oh, but, darling... - What? 7 00:00:32,885 --> 00:00:35,485 - Plastique. - It's vey realistic. 8 00:00:36,600 --> 00:00:40,355 I'm prepared to suspend my disbelief of Father Chrimbo, but not for that old hairbrush! 9 00:00:41,126 --> 00:00:43,156 - Come on! - It's ecological. 10 00:00:43,606 --> 00:00:46,447 Until you burn it! Hideous, sweetheart, hideous. 11 00:00:47,700 --> 00:00:51,606 I'm just tying to make it a nice Christmas, darling, for little Lola and you. 12 00:00:53,700 --> 00:00:55,536 It's my first family Christmas at home, sweetheart. 13 00:00:58,526 --> 00:00:59,926 Anyway, I've... 14 00:01:01,688 --> 00:01:03,298 - What have you done? - Nothing. 15 00:01:03,688 --> 00:01:06,770 -(BUZZING) - It's a surprise! You can't see it yet! 16 00:01:06,568 --> 00:01:09,687 - It's a surprise, it's a surprise. - Let me in! 17 00:01:10,288 --> 00:01:12,247 (ELECTRICAL SAW BUZZES) 18 00:01:17,569 --> 00:01:21,259 There you go. Had to take the top off to fit it in. 19 00:01:21,929 --> 00:01:24,459 - Thank you. Cheers. - Yeah. See you, then. 20 00:01:25,369 --> 00:01:28,690 God, it didn't look that big in the forest. 21 00:01:28,608 --> 00:01:30,569 Where is it from? It's disgusting! 22 00:01:31,900 --> 00:01:34,378 It's from special Greenpeace and Friends of the Earth recyc... 23 00:01:37,810 --> 00:01:43,430 Scandinavia. Anyway, it would have ended up as cheap furniture in IKEA if it wasn't here! 24 00:01:45,249 --> 00:01:47,710 It looked quite small from the helicopter! 25 00:01:48,850 --> 00:01:52,499 - Get it out! - Can't, darling. Man's taken crane away now. 26 00:01:53,170 --> 00:01:54,991 - Eddie! Eddie! - Is that Pats? 27 00:01:55,410 --> 00:01:57,550 - Eddie, where are you? - Pats! 28 00:01:58,571 --> 00:02:02,360 Follow my voice, darling. Hello, hello, hello! 29 00:02:03,500 --> 00:02:05,151 Sweetheart! Patsy, darling! 30 00:02:05,611 --> 00:02:07,152 Eddie, where have I been? 31 00:02:07,531 --> 00:02:10,721 They must've picked you up on the way in. Fantastic, isn't it? 32 00:02:11,332 --> 00:02:14,100 - Oh, look, squirrel, squirrel! - Squirrel! 33 00:02:17,212 --> 00:02:21,251 - Well, that's realistic, darling. - Mum, come downstairs. I need to talk to you. 34 00:02:22,933 --> 00:02:25,143 Nightmare in Gucci and Prada! 35 00:02:27,732 --> 00:02:29,942 It's become... Oh, thank you. 36 00:02:30,412 --> 00:02:33,743 It's become SO common. I blame Martine McCutcheon. 37 00:02:34,373 --> 00:02:37,252 - Yes. - You have to queue to get in. 38 00:02:37,813 --> 00:02:40,933 Then it's like Petticoat Lane! Shouting and chewing! 39 00:02:41,533 --> 00:02:44,344 "Oi, Tracy! How do I look? 40 00:02:44,894 --> 00:02:48,964 "Pass us a couple of belts, will you, and a Gucci shoehorn!" 41 00:02:49,693 --> 00:02:53,663 Oh, so vey, vey common! Lost all its chic. 42 00:02:54,374 --> 00:02:58,554 Honestly, one trip down Bond Street, suddenly she's a duchess! 43 00:02:59,294 --> 00:03:03,794 - What did you get? - Whatever I could rip from a Sharon's grasp. 44 00:03:04,574 --> 00:03:06,965 - Please don't send me there again! - I won't! 45 00:03:07,454 --> 00:03:10,474 - I've got to go and see Saffy. - I'll come with you. 46 00:03:11,550 --> 00:03:14,400 - No, you don't have to. - No, I'll come with you. 47 00:03:14,575 --> 00:03:16,535 Ugh! Bollinger! 48 00:03:18,575 --> 00:03:20,255 Well, I suppose if I must. 49 00:03:22,896 --> 00:03:27,985 I don't mind Tiffany's, though I did see Amanda Holden in there sniffing around. 50 00:03:28,856 --> 00:03:31,527 New wealth. So vey, vey common. 51 00:03:33,576 --> 00:03:35,467 Listen. (HUMS TUNELESSLY) 52 00:03:38,736 --> 00:03:41,196 ♫ Ahhh ahhh ahhh ahh ahh-ah! ♫ 53 00:03:42,777 --> 00:03:45,967 Mum, I need that room tidy. We're eating in there tomorrow. 54 00:03:46,577 --> 00:03:51,248 - It will be tidy. I've only got to do my wrapping. - Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, whoa-a-a! 55 00:03:53,137 --> 00:03:54,887 Sit down. 56 00:03:58,658 --> 00:04:02,767 I'm not angry. I know what you're tying to do. It's just too much. 57 00:04:03,499 --> 00:04:06,869 The reason I like the plastic tree is because it's OURS. 58 00:04:07,499 --> 00:04:10,198 Every year we get it out. It's like an old friend. 59 00:04:10,738 --> 00:04:14,529 I know it doesn't look good, but it's special, and each decoration... 60 00:04:15,219 --> 00:04:18,169 It just could be so much nicer, don't you understand? 61 00:04:18,740 --> 00:04:20,630 - We do Christmas every year. - Yes. 62 00:04:21,600 --> 00:04:26,329 We have our way of doing it. You can't come in here and dynamite away our local culture. 63 00:04:27,219 --> 00:04:30,769 Where have we gone now? Where are we in the world? 64 00:04:31,420 --> 00:04:33,449 - You have to be sensitive. - I am! 65 00:04:33,900 --> 00:04:38,710 Mum, Christmas is always the same. We do the same things at the same times. It's lovely. 66 00:04:40,621 --> 00:04:44,760 - It could be so much better, darling. - Only in your terms. 67 00:04:45,501 --> 00:04:49,330 All right, all right. What is it you do? What's happened here? 68 00:04:50,210 --> 00:04:52,831 Well, today I start the stuffing for the turkey. 69 00:04:53,382 --> 00:04:55,942 - But I... - No, I cancelled the caterers. 70 00:04:56,461 --> 00:05:00,672 Oh, darling! I was going to save you all this work, sweetheart. 71 00:05:01,422 --> 00:05:03,951 We want to do it. We like doing it. 72 00:05:04,461 --> 00:05:10,612 You can have a good time and do the work. Doing it IS having a good time. Here, help me. 73 00:05:16,823 --> 00:05:18,820 Don't! 74 00:05:18,983 --> 00:05:21,722 - It's raw sausage meat! - It's quite nice. 75 00:05:25,223 --> 00:05:29,963 There was always more stuffing in your mother at Christmas than there was in the turkey. 76 00:05:32,984 --> 00:05:35,653 Christmas is about doing things. 77 00:05:36,184 --> 00:05:39,763 When you have the meal, it tastes better because you've done it yourself. 78 00:05:40,425 --> 00:05:43,264 That's the theory they have at rehab. Works for me. 79 00:05:43,825 --> 00:05:48,604 "Would you like a drink?" "Yes." "Pour it yourself." "Yes, I will. Cheers, sweetie." 80 00:05:51,264 --> 00:05:53,365 Cheers, darling! 81 00:05:53,825 --> 00:05:54,985 Cheers. 82 00:05:56,506 --> 00:05:59,136 Why isn't she doing the stuffing? She's good at stuffing. 83 00:05:59,665 --> 00:06:04,560 Once she stuffed the turkey with the contents of her handbag and the Christmas pudding. 84 00:06:04,826 --> 00:06:07,215 Mum, will you stop eating it! 85 00:06:07,705 --> 00:06:12,626 Granddad always put his fake teeth in the turkey's bottom... 86 00:06:15,507 --> 00:06:17,896 …to make it look as if it was smiling! 87 00:06:26,146 --> 00:06:28,637 "It's Princess Anne," he used to say! 88 00:06:29,787 --> 00:06:31,298 Oh, how we laughed! 89 00:06:34,388 --> 00:06:36,878 Ooh, I wonder where I put them. 90 00:06:39,147 --> 00:06:44,657 ♫ Glor-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo- OOOO-OOOO-OOOO-OOOO-OOO-OOO-OOO... 91 00:06:45,588 --> 00:06:48,259 - Stop now, Mum! - ♫..ria! ♫ 92 00:06:49,708 --> 00:06:52,338 ♫ Blah-blah in a-blah-blas! ♫ 93 00:06:52,869 --> 00:06:55,358 - Mama singing Christmas songs! - Yes. 94 00:06:55,869 --> 00:06:58,259 - Eddie, look, is that an atoll? - What? 95 00:06:58,749 --> 00:07:00,778 - Is that an atoll? - Yeah, darling. 96 00:07:01,228 --> 00:07:05,619 A finger of sand poking up in the Indian Ocean has a resort on it! 97 00:07:06,390 --> 00:07:11,450 A nipple of land the size of a coffee table has a Four Seasons resort on stilts on it! 98 00:07:12,950 --> 00:07:17,760 Two people get in the sea and it's flooded! You use scuba gear to get to the lobby! 99 00:07:21,470 --> 00:07:23,220 We'll go there next year. 100 00:07:23,631 --> 00:07:25,701 (EDDIE LAUGHS UNCOMFORTABLY) 101 00:07:26,590 --> 00:07:29,150 What exactly is this for and where does it go? 102 00:07:29,670 --> 00:07:31,701 - It goes upstairs, Gran. - Oh, right. 103 00:07:34,911 --> 00:07:38,392 - So, darling, Father Christmas comes tonight. - Yes. 104 00:07:39,310 --> 00:07:42,192 We have drinks in the evening, then go to church. 105 00:07:42,791 --> 00:07:45,410 - Yes? - Then we open stockings next morning. 106 00:07:45,512 --> 00:07:48,771 Father Christmas brings the stockings, doesn't he, darling? 107 00:07:49,392 --> 00:07:53,410 Because you've never been here, I've always done my own. 108 00:07:53,712 --> 00:07:57,643 Naughty Father Christmas! Naughty Father Christmas, darling. 109 00:07:58,352 --> 00:08:02,183 And for lunch, sweetheart? For Christmas lunch? Who comes to that? 110 00:08:02,873 --> 00:08:06,172 - Well, there will be me and John... - Is he from Gabon? 111 00:08:08,273 --> 00:08:10,230 - What? - Is he from Gabon? 112 00:08:10,913 --> 00:08:13,894 - Gabon? - Yes, is he from Gabon? 113 00:08:14,473 --> 00:08:16,963 - Why are you saying that? - Gabon. 114 00:08:17,473 --> 00:08:20,454 - Will you stop saying that! - Ask her if he's from Gabon. 115 00:08:21,330 --> 00:08:22,264 - Is he? - No. 116 00:08:22,593 --> 00:08:25,574 No, he's not from Gabon, so shut up! Shh! 117 00:08:28,755 --> 00:08:32,655 - Darling, Christmas lunch. Who's coming? - Bo and Marshall. 118 00:08:33,354 --> 00:08:36,374 - Yeah, yeah. - And Dad and Gran and Jane. 119 00:08:36,955 --> 00:08:38,984 Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, come on! 120 00:08:40,234 --> 00:08:43,425 - You haven't told her, have you? - It'll all be fine. 121 00:08:44,360 --> 00:08:50,145 - Keep going. Who's coming to Christmas lunch? - Well, me, John, Dad, Gran, Jane, Bo, Marshall. 122 00:08:51,156 --> 00:08:54,316 - And you! - Oh, are you inviting me for Christmas lunch? 123 00:08:54,916 --> 00:08:58,495 Oh, Saff's just invited me for Christmas lunch, darling! 124 00:08:59,157 --> 00:09:02,846 - Saff's just... (WHISPERS) And Patsy! - What, Eddie? 125 00:09:03,516 --> 00:09:08,606 And Patsy? Oh, darling, you as well, she said! Invited us to Christmas lunch, darling! 126 00:09:09,476 --> 00:09:12,527 No, Eddie, we're going away! We always go away! 127 00:09:13,116 --> 00:09:15,470 - Just be here for Christmas... - No! 128 00:09:15,477 --> 00:09:20,780 Just for little Lola, sweetheart. Just for Lola. We could just be here for Christmas. 129 00:09:20,877 --> 00:09:23,198 - Couldn't we? - When were you going to tell her? 130 00:09:23,678 --> 00:09:27,880 - Shut up! I understand this process! Shut up! - Eddie, I can't! 131 00:09:27,717 --> 00:09:29,467 Give me the ticket! 132 00:09:31,790 --> 00:09:32,829 Haven't got any tickets. 133 00:09:34,478 --> 00:09:36,268 We're staying here for Christmas. 134 00:09:55,999 --> 00:09:57,540 Yeah. 135 00:09:57,920 --> 00:10:01,749 Well, you handled that vey badly, vey badly, darling. 136 00:10:02,440 --> 00:10:05,249 - Sometimes you beggar belief. - Yeah, I know. 137 00:10:14,720 --> 00:10:18,411 - Pats... - I can't, Eddie! I won't! I hate Christmas! 138 00:10:19,761 --> 00:10:24,182 How cruel this time is with its ghastly pretence of festivity! 139 00:10:24,962 --> 00:10:28,611 -(MOURNFUL MUSIC) - It's lights twinkling in cruel mockery! 140 00:10:30,202 --> 00:10:32,592 Like the eyes of my Spanish gypsy boy! 141 00:10:34,601 --> 00:10:37,131 (DRUNKENLY) He was too good to me! 142 00:10:39,402 --> 00:10:41,830 Where is he now? 143 00:10:42,963 --> 00:10:46,652 Why am I banished here with no one to love me? 144 00:10:47,323 --> 00:10:49,492 (YOUNG PATSY) Mother. 145 00:10:49,963 --> 00:10:51,713 Oh, you, Patricia. 146 00:10:53,403 --> 00:10:55,334 What do you want, chit? 147 00:10:55,763 --> 00:10:58,574 I...I...er...I... 148 00:10:59,123 --> 00:11:00,594 What?! 149 00:11:00,964 --> 00:11:05,340 Spit it out! Or I'll wash it down with absinthe! 150 00:11:06,363 --> 00:11:08,464 Happy Christmas. 151 00:11:08,925 --> 00:11:10,185 No! 152 00:11:10,524 --> 00:11:12,874 Why?! Why have you done this?! 153 00:11:14,124 --> 00:11:15,945 It must be kept out! 154 00:11:18,644 --> 00:11:21,175 - We must not let it in! - (SCRAPES RECORD OFF) 155 00:11:22,445 --> 00:11:24,614 Why have you brought this poison in?! 156 00:11:25,846 --> 00:11:28,235 You are tainted with their gluttony 157 00:11:28,725 --> 00:11:31,495 and...and insincerity 158 00:11:32,460 --> 00:11:34,855 and urbanity and punctilio! 159 00:11:37,405 --> 00:11:38,635 Sorry. 160 00:11:38,966 --> 00:11:43,355 Oh, I lament your pain and your useless pitying! 161 00:11:44,126 --> 00:11:48,376 But I, like a ship at harbour, too long have been riding my ropes 162 00:11:49,126 --> 00:11:53,307 and now cast off the fetterhood of motherdom! 163 00:11:54,807 --> 00:11:56,486 Where are you going? 164 00:11:58,480 --> 00:12:00,438 I'm going down the Golden Calf 165 00:12:00,928 --> 00:12:04,477 with Paolo and Maris and Lydia 166 00:12:05,127 --> 00:12:06,527 to drink 167 00:12:06,887 --> 00:12:11,680 and to play out the unfinished drama of my soul! 168 00:12:12,647 --> 00:12:14,328 I won't be home! 169 00:12:15,809 --> 00:12:19,809 If Betty-May comes over, the skinned rabbit is in the kitchen. 170 00:12:30,488 --> 00:12:32,589 - Keep it out! - Keep it out! 171 00:12:34,810 --> 00:12:40,249 I'll go on my own! I won't have to see your fat white body in a bikini like a beached whale! 172 00:12:41,170 --> 00:12:42,749 Oh, thank you (!) 173 00:12:47,500 --> 00:12:50,170 - Here we go! Here we go! - Eddie, Eddie, Eddie... 174 00:12:50,770 --> 00:12:54,490 Oh, yeah. Oh, dear, just leave her, leave her. 175 00:12:55,171 --> 00:12:57,130 I know what she's doing. I know... 176 00:12:57,571 --> 00:13:01,360 You're supposed to be putting them on, not taking them off! 177 00:13:02,510 --> 00:13:05,740 Christmas comes around so quickly, dear. It's hard to know where you are. 178 00:13:06,891 --> 00:13:08,852 Just... Go on, scat, scat, scat! 179 00:13:10,452 --> 00:13:14,720 It's supposed to be a Christmas tree, not the Blair Witch Project! 180 00:13:14,731 --> 00:13:18,452 - Get up there. Put the star on. - No! I'm no good with heights! 181 00:13:19,131 --> 00:13:23,552 - Get up there now! - I think I see an eagle circling! 182 00:13:24,333 --> 00:13:27,200 Saff, come on up! We're putting the star on, darling! 183 00:13:27,532 --> 00:13:31,323 (BLEATS) I'm sc-c-c-cared! S-c-c-ared! Sc-c-c-cared! 184 00:13:32,120 --> 00:13:35,313 Saff, we're putting the star on the top, darling! 185 00:13:36,412 --> 00:13:39,252 - Oh, my God! - What's happened to her? 186 00:13:39,814 --> 00:13:44,523 - She's collapsed. It's quite normal. - Just leave her. Star on top, sweetheart. 187 00:13:45,334 --> 00:13:50,604 I've not been this scared since I lost my teeth on the Cat and Mouse at Blackpool! 188 00:13:52,294 --> 00:13:55,483 We have to do something. She is vey cold. 189 00:13:56,950 --> 00:13:58,975 - We have to increase her temperature. - I'll get her a reviver. 190 00:13:59,534 --> 00:14:04,345 If the patient's temperature is too low, you have to increase it by warming her up. 191 00:14:05,175 --> 00:14:09,914 - Mum, you'll have to take her to hospital. - No one's finding this funny! Get up! 192 00:14:10,735 --> 00:14:12,135 (SIREN) 193 00:14:15,775 --> 00:14:19,706 - (PARAMEDIC) Patsy, can you hear me? - What are you giving her there? 194 00:14:20,415 --> 00:14:24,915 What is that? Oxygen? I want that! She's all right! Pats, Pats, wake up! 195 00:14:25,696 --> 00:14:27,905 We've got to go back. It's Christmas. 196 00:14:28,376 --> 00:14:30,866 Ohhhhhh! Owwwww! 197 00:14:31,376 --> 00:14:34,327 Owwwww! I hurt my head! 198 00:14:34,896 --> 00:14:39,360 I need a stretcher. I want a stretcher like that. I'm sick, too! 199 00:14:39,776 --> 00:14:43,847 (EDDIE) I want oxygen! I want the oxygen! (SOBS) Oh, no! 200 00:14:52,617 --> 00:14:55,428 - What's the story here? - 65-year-old woman collapsed. 201 00:14:55,978 --> 00:14:57,657 I'm 43! 202 00:15:00,859 --> 00:15:03,138 Come back! Follow that trolley! 203 00:15:10,618 --> 00:15:14,758 This is ridiculous! This is stupid! What is this, Eastern Europe? Ow! 204 00:15:15,499 --> 00:15:18,519 (MUNERS TO HERSELF) 205 00:15:29,860 --> 00:15:33,649 And I'm partial to an injection of adrenalin straight into the heart. 206 00:15:34,341 --> 00:15:36,660 - That's good to know, Miss Stone. - Yeah. 207 00:15:40,780 --> 00:15:43,831 - What's the matter with you? - I dunno. Had a funny turn. 208 00:15:44,420 --> 00:15:47,790 I'd rather be here than having Christmas. Few days on drugs. Lovely. 209 00:15:48,421 --> 00:15:50,241 - Can I go? - Pass me my chart. 210 00:15:51,901 --> 00:15:55,452 I'll write down some of the things I must have. Read off that. 211 00:15:56,102 --> 00:15:59,612 - "Smoking contains benzene, formaldehyde... - Benzene, formaldehyde. 212 00:16:00,261 --> 00:16:02,932 - Hydrogen cyanide. - "Hydrogen cyanide." 213 00:16:03,781 --> 00:16:07,612 - Put that back, please. - I'd stay, but I've got so much to do, you know. 214 00:16:09,823 --> 00:16:11,573 Well, go! 215 00:16:19,703 --> 00:16:23,213 Excuse me. It's just Miss Stone, she's extremely unwell. 216 00:16:23,864 --> 00:16:27,934 - Yeah, well, I'M unwell! - Do you know who her next of kin is? 217 00:16:28,663 --> 00:16:32,143 Oh, God, she's got a sister called Jackie. That's it, that's it! 218 00:16:36,783 --> 00:16:41,383 Cross Patsy off your Christmas lunch list. They've put her on a bleep machine. 219 00:16:42,185 --> 00:16:44,674 Oh. Sorry. 220 00:16:45,185 --> 00:16:47,715 - Are you really? - Well, it is Christmas. 221 00:16:48,225 --> 00:16:51,595 - What's that got to do with it? - Time to forgive and forget. 222 00:16:54,505 --> 00:16:58,226 - I'd better get on with my wrapping. - Yes, well, don't go over the top. 223 00:16:58,905 --> 00:17:00,696 I haven't gone over the top. 224 00:17:01,106 --> 00:17:03,106 Sweetheart, about little Lola's present. 225 00:17:03,545 --> 00:17:09,125 You know you said Wendy house? Well, darling, Bubble wondered if that was a Barratt Home. 226 00:17:10,660 --> 00:17:12,415 - No! - No, I said not. 227 00:17:12,906 --> 00:17:15,537 I said not. I didn't get one. I said no. 228 00:17:18,706 --> 00:17:21,376 What have you got for Mama, darling? 229 00:17:21,906 --> 00:17:24,857 - I'm not telling you. - Yeah, but if it's... 230 00:17:25,426 --> 00:17:27,146 It's the thought that counts. 231 00:17:27,907 --> 00:17:30,258 It's the thought I'm worried about, darling. 232 00:17:30,748 --> 00:17:33,727 - Because if the thought is Yardley... - Stop it! 233 00:17:36,308 --> 00:17:40,518 I have over-bought, darling. There's plenty of stuff in my room upstairs... 234 00:17:41,268 --> 00:17:43,157 Will you just go! 235 00:17:47,628 --> 00:17:52,408 And I don't eat Brussell spouts, remember. They make me a bit - phtt - you know. 236 00:17:55,690 --> 00:17:58,549 Don't use too much paper. Don't overlap it. Just make it meet. 237 00:17:59,188 --> 00:18:01,438 - Ah-ah-ah! - Scrooge! 238 00:18:01,909 --> 00:18:04,959 Don't use too much of that ribbon either. It's expensive. 239 00:18:05,550 --> 00:18:08,810 Oh, look at it. I don't want to give all this away. 240 00:18:09,429 --> 00:18:11,679 - Who did I buy that for? - The old woman. 241 00:18:12,149 --> 00:18:13,830 Oh, my mother. 242 00:18:15,750 --> 00:18:18,909 It's a bit big, isn't it? That scarf, a bit big for her. 243 00:18:19,511 --> 00:18:21,791 She won't want all that now, will she? 244 00:18:23,751 --> 00:18:26,630 - She won't want it all now. - Common miserly. 245 00:18:27,190 --> 00:18:29,541 Save the rest for next year. Just wrap that. 246 00:18:35,391 --> 00:18:37,491 Merry Christmas, 247 00:18:37,951 --> 00:18:41,532 I suppose, are appropriate words to use for this time of year. 248 00:18:42,191 --> 00:18:47,282 No. She's in a coma, you fool. Anyway, Patsy doesn't do Christmas. Didn't you know? 249 00:18:48,151 --> 00:18:49,762 Yes. 250 00:18:50,152 --> 00:18:54,722 "Are you vey ill?" is the next subject that springs to mind. 251 00:18:55,513 --> 00:18:57,530 - No, she's... - Hello. 252 00:18:57,432 --> 00:19:00,172 - oh. - She's having a rest. 253 00:19:00,712 --> 00:19:02,293 - Recuperation. - Wecupewation. 254 00:19:02,672 --> 00:19:06,222 That's quite hard for you to say, isn't it? Say it again. 255 00:19:07,594 --> 00:19:09,314 - Wecupewation. - Again! 256 00:19:09,713 --> 00:19:13,504 - What are you doing here? - I bought you a small gift. 257 00:19:14,193 --> 00:19:18,334 - Oh, yes, it's from both of us. What is it? - It's nothing. 258 00:19:19,740 --> 00:19:22,483 - Go on, open it. It's a trifle, a trinket. - No, really, it's nothing. 259 00:19:23,115 --> 00:19:25,394 Open it now. It's from me, mainly. 260 00:19:28,394 --> 00:19:30,884 I told you. Just some lovely packaging. 261 00:19:31,394 --> 00:19:33,394 - Turn up that drip. - I'll do it! 262 00:19:36,154 --> 00:19:38,434 oh. oh! 263 00:19:38,915 --> 00:19:42,360 - ohh! - You couldn't possibly understand them. 264 00:19:46,116 --> 00:19:48,215 (CONTINUOUS BEEP) 265 00:19:52,435 --> 00:19:54,366 Let's shock her. 266 00:19:54,796 --> 00:19:56,895 Give me 2OO, Nurse. 267 00:19:57,357 --> 00:19:59,527 Charging. Stand clear. 268 00:20:01,517 --> 00:20:03,307 No, nothing. 36O. 269 00:20:03,716 --> 00:20:05,436 Charging. Stand clear. 270 00:20:07,357 --> 00:20:08,797 Hold it. 271 00:20:10,436 --> 00:20:12,537 Oh, that was fantastic! 272 00:20:15,917 --> 00:20:20,308 - You'll get more than a hamper this year. - There's nothing wrong with a hamper. 273 00:20:21,780 --> 00:20:24,128 If you like anchovies, potted meat and thick-cut marmalade. 274 00:20:24,717 --> 00:20:29,497 It's as if they scrape everything up that won't ever be sold and put it in a Christmas hamp... 275 00:20:31,198 --> 00:20:35,908 - We're always vey grateful for the thought. - I blistered my lip with all my wrapping. 276 00:20:36,718 --> 00:20:38,228 - Oh, dear. - Mm. 277 00:20:39,918 --> 00:20:45,148 Stop shaking everything! Put it down! Shall I get you a stick and you can beat it to death? 278 00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:51,830 - How did you manage the procreation? - Well...these things happen. 279 00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:57,249 When you first met her, did you think that she was a man? 280 00:20:57,999 --> 00:20:59,399 Certainly not. 281 00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:03,800 Because I was wondering, what do you feel when you look at a man? 282 00:21:04,521 --> 00:21:09,371 - Well, the same as when you look at a woman. - Well, when I look at a woman, 283 00:21:10,200 --> 00:21:14,450 if she's gorgeous, then I think about intimate relations. 284 00:21:16,410 --> 00:21:19,591 But when I look at a man, even if he's gorgeous, nothing. 285 00:21:21,820 --> 00:21:25,262 When I look at Saffron, I think about maximum intimate relations. 286 00:21:27,201 --> 00:21:30,532 But when I look at her mother, Edininia... 287 00:21:31,161 --> 00:21:32,562 nothing! 288 00:21:34,830 --> 00:21:38,333 I wondered if, when you had intimate relations with her, you thought she was a man. 289 00:21:39,830 --> 00:21:40,763 That may well explain it. 290 00:21:44,682 --> 00:21:47,843 Darling Saff, I'm bringing in something now, but it's not for you. 291 00:21:48,442 --> 00:21:50,902 It's coming in now, but it's not for you. 292 00:21:51,403 --> 00:21:56,740 It's not as big as it looks, darling. It's not as big as it looks, all right, sweetheart? 293 00:21:56,884 --> 00:21:59,344 It's not for you, it's for Lola, darling. 294 00:21:59,844 --> 00:22:03,493 - Listen to that! Jingle bells! It's not a reindeer! - (BELLS R_NG) 295 00:22:05,300 --> 00:22:08,903 Sweetheart, darling, got a little thing for baby. Got a little thing for you. 296 00:22:11,244 --> 00:22:14,865 Da-dee! It's for you, sweetheart. It's a stocking. Is it a stocking? 297 00:22:15,525 --> 00:22:17,525 - Yes. - Yeah! It's for you, darling. 298 00:22:17,964 --> 00:22:21,724 - Thank you. - Do you wanna know what's in it? Money! 299 00:22:22,404 --> 00:22:25,815 - It's stuffed with money. - Has it got a tangerine and a sugar mouse? 300 00:22:29,366 --> 00:22:34,215 - Merry Christmas! - This is the day that the Lord has made! 301 00:22:40,246 --> 00:22:43,966 Hello, stranger! I hear you're joining us to celebrate the birth of Christ! 302 00:22:44,646 --> 00:22:47,976 - Amen! - Don't sit down yet, Marshall. OK, baby. 303 00:22:50,847 --> 00:22:54,746 - So what's happening with you two? - You haven't gotten our newsletter? 304 00:22:55,446 --> 00:23:00,887 Hi, I'm Bo and this is Marshall. I am so excited! I cannot wait to share the news of this product! 305 00:23:01,808 --> 00:23:04,618 - Well, what is it, Bo? - I'll tell ya, Marshall! 306 00:23:05,167 --> 00:23:10,507 Rejoice because finally there is a non-fat fat-eating product for the faith community! 307 00:23:11,407 --> 00:23:14,288 Hallelujah, Bo! Tell us what you're talking about! 308 00:23:14,849 --> 00:23:18,359 I'm talking about Staylene, the non-fat fat-eating product system. 309 00:23:19,800 --> 00:23:21,428 - System is a vey important part. - It sure is! 310 00:23:21,928 --> 00:23:25,188 It is the best non-fat fat-eating system on the market today. 311 00:23:25,809 --> 00:23:30,379 It is taking the fat out of America, but leaving the flavour behind! We are helping people! 312 00:23:31,169 --> 00:23:36,189 - How does Staylene work? Is it a miracle? - Well, thanks for asking. And I think it is. 313 00:23:37,500 --> 00:23:41,790 It's a chemical process prepared by our own ministry scientists at our laboratories in Ohio. 314 00:23:42,610 --> 00:23:46,999 They explained to me that it is a combination of tiny sponges and silicone. 315 00:23:47,771 --> 00:23:50,821 The sponges act like God's own angels sucking up the bad fat 316 00:23:51,410 --> 00:23:54,391 and the silicone eases it gently out of your colon. 317 00:23:55,771 --> 00:24:00,831 Staylene must be safe when science has, along with the Lord, had a hand in it. 318 00:24:01,690 --> 00:24:03,900 - Amen! - Whaddaya miKing up there, Bo? 319 00:24:04,372 --> 00:24:06,261 Oh, I'm not miKing, I'm agitating. 320 00:24:06,691 --> 00:24:09,112 Agitating the compound prior to cooking. 321 00:24:09,612 --> 00:24:15,372 Many other non-fat fat-eating products go straight through your body causing... I can't bear to say it! 322 00:24:16,332 --> 00:24:19,142 Well, I'll say it for ya, Bo. Anal leakage. 323 00:24:20,573 --> 00:24:24,962 But not Staylene, no. It's safe and effective and it also protects and cleans. 324 00:24:25,732 --> 00:24:29,103 - To prove that... Would you agitate for me? - Sure, honey. 325 00:24:31,172 --> 00:24:36,752 To prove this, I fed Marshall another fat-eating product. These were his pants after that day. 326 00:24:37,693 --> 00:24:41,453 These are his underpants after Staylene. One pair, horribly stained. 327 00:24:42,134 --> 00:24:47,644 The other, fresh as a daisy, as God intended. Can we celebrate that with a hallelujah? 328 00:24:48,574 --> 00:24:51,663 Hallelujah! We have many testimonials from satisfied customers! 329 00:24:52,254 --> 00:24:57,345 We sure do. In just three days of eating Staylene, Philomena Bill enjoyed these miraculous results. 330 00:24:58,214 --> 00:25:01,234 - I think it's her face that's the problem. - It's pixelated, Bo. 331 00:25:01,815 --> 00:25:06,454 I've been pixelated before I got good with the Lord! My face never looked like that! 332 00:25:07,254 --> 00:25:12,105 But we are talking about Staylene, God's own non-fat fat-eating product system. Celebrate! 333 00:25:12,935 --> 00:25:17,185 - An offer that's irresistible! - Amen! It also removes unwanted body hair! 334 00:25:17,935 --> 00:25:22,576 Show 'em your back! I'm kidding because I'm crazy! So crazy, I have an offer! 335 00:25:23,376 --> 00:25:27,586 The first ten people who call for our system will receive a free agitator! 336 00:25:28,337 --> 00:25:30,587 - Steady, Bo! - I'm gonna do it! 337 00:25:31,570 --> 00:25:34,147 - I'm gonna do it! Amen! Praise Jesus! - Can you believe this? 338 00:25:35,256 --> 00:25:38,666 We've been in Staylene since the bottom fell out of the baby business. 339 00:25:39,297 --> 00:25:42,877 Much like the bottom has fallen out of Marshall. He OD'd on Staylene. 340 00:25:43,538 --> 00:25:47,467 - Yup, once an addict. Couldn't have one cookie. - Had to have the whole jar! 341 00:25:48,177 --> 00:25:52,108 - Has everyone got a drink? - Oh, look at her, the hostess (!) 342 00:25:52,818 --> 00:25:54,608 Merry Christmas Eve! 343 00:25:55,257 --> 00:25:57,538 - Saffy. - Oh, no, Gran. 344 00:25:58,498 --> 00:26:00,248 Happy Christmas Eve! 345 00:26:00,658 --> 00:26:02,518 (FARTS) 346 00:26:02,938 --> 00:26:07,188 Marshall, was that you? OK, upstairs now, mister! 347 00:26:07,938 --> 00:26:10,468 Come on! March, two, three, four! 348 00:26:37,980 --> 00:26:40,371 - Pats. - Jacks! 349 00:26:43,260 --> 00:26:45,930 - I came as soon as I heard. - Heard? 350 00:26:46,460 --> 00:26:49,970 No, don't speak. Don't tire yourself. I can see it's difficult. 351 00:26:50,622 --> 00:26:54,832 The nurses tell me you haven't got long. Let's make the most of these moments. 352 00:26:55,582 --> 00:26:59,971 - I haven't got long? - I know, darling. But I'm here. Your sister. 353 00:27:01,582 --> 00:27:04,812 Oh, Patsy, always my favourite. 354 00:27:05,422 --> 00:27:07,772 - Really? - Oh, yes, darling. 355 00:27:08,262 --> 00:27:10,432 Your protector, friend. 356 00:27:11,502 --> 00:27:15,120 Oh, darling...let's remember the good times, eh? 357 00:27:16,630 --> 00:27:22,212 The old times. Before the birdsong comes to brighten the mood... 358 00:27:24,463 --> 00:27:27,723 …and the terrible hours are driven away 359 00:27:28,344 --> 00:27:32,384 and the demons creep back into... wherever you keep your demons! 360 00:27:33,824 --> 00:27:35,404 My pants drawer. 361 00:27:38,585 --> 00:27:41,395 It's... It's nice to have you here. 362 00:27:43,385 --> 00:27:45,345 Yeah, I've been OK, haven't I? 363 00:27:47,905 --> 00:27:50,184 Are you...er...missing Patsy? 364 00:27:50,664 --> 00:27:56,750 Pat... Mm, yes, darling, I am missing Patsy, yeah. Well, yeah. Yeah! 365 00:27:56,985 --> 00:28:00,425 We can go and see her tomorrow, take her something. 366 00:28:01,660 --> 00:28:03,735 Just a little thing, darling. Not anything too big. 367 00:28:04,265 --> 00:28:08,406 I think you were right. It's just too much. Everything's got out of control, hasn't it? 368 00:28:09,147 --> 00:28:13,926 Yes. It's OK this time, Mum. I know you got carried away. There is a pleasure in giving. 369 00:28:14,746 --> 00:28:16,847 Is there? Yes. 370 00:28:17,946 --> 00:28:20,160 Yeah, there is, darling. 371 00:28:20,466 --> 00:28:22,287 - Goodnight. - Goodn... Ooh! 372 00:28:28,707 --> 00:28:31,828 - Jacks, I don't remember any good times. - Yes, darling. Parties! 373 00:28:32,427 --> 00:28:38,368 Remember the party we had when Mother died. That was a great time. How happy we were. 374 00:28:39,348 --> 00:28:41,308 - And then... - You married Marcello! 375 00:28:41,747 --> 00:28:44,378 - Don't be... - I can't remember that! I wasn't there! 376 00:28:44,909 --> 00:28:47,718 - Stop it or I shall fetch the nurse. - He was mine! 377 00:28:48,268 --> 00:28:51,178 Marcello Agnelli. He was the only man I ever loved. 378 00:28:51,748 --> 00:28:56,668 - We were meant to be married. You took him! - How could I take him? He was a grown man! 379 00:28:57,508 --> 00:29:01,198 - You told him I was dead! - I thought you were dead. 380 00:29:01,870 --> 00:29:04,919 How many people survive a heroin overdose on that scale? 381 00:29:06,290 --> 00:29:07,919 (QUIETLY) I must've got the purity wrong. 382 00:29:08,350 --> 00:29:11,189 When I came out of the clinic, YOU'D got him. 383 00:29:11,749 --> 00:29:13,429 You stripped him clean! 384 00:29:15,351 --> 00:29:17,170 The lifestyle tired me. 385 00:29:18,551 --> 00:29:22,940 The Learjets, the villas, the yachts, the parents! 386 00:29:24,470 --> 00:29:28,401 My God! Oh, Pats, darling, I'm so glad we can laugh at it all now. 387 00:29:30,230 --> 00:29:32,831 But, darling, you've been all right. 388 00:29:33,352 --> 00:29:37,491 You've had your job. You're a woman of means now, which reminds me. 389 00:29:38,592 --> 00:29:43,332 The will. Darling, you've...um... You've left everything to me. 390 00:29:44,152 --> 00:29:45,342 Will?! 391 00:29:45,671 --> 00:29:51,251 There was some pair of shoes of yours that I like, so I included those. I can sell the rest. 392 00:29:52,192 --> 00:29:55,313 My cats are going to be so grateful. Sign there. 393 00:29:58,232 --> 00:29:59,982 I hate you! 394 00:30:03,320 --> 00:30:05,133 Ohh, darling! 395 00:30:08,330 --> 00:30:09,294 And now... 396 00:30:12,193 --> 00:30:13,874 ..the final pin. 397 00:30:16,554 --> 00:30:19,223 I think I got the purity right this time. 398 00:30:22,994 --> 00:30:28,140 We must get home for present unwrapping. I don't want to miss it, so we can't stay long. 399 00:30:28,875 --> 00:30:32,424 - Excuse me, who are you here to see? - Miss Stone. 400 00:30:33,750 --> 00:30:36,835 I'm afraid I have some bad news. Miss Stone passed away last night. 401 00:30:42,876 --> 00:30:44,485 I got her... 402 00:30:44,876 --> 00:30:47,546 - What did she say? - Mum, she's dead. 403 00:30:53,475 --> 00:30:54,735 Patsy? 404 00:31:14,477 --> 00:31:17,287 Oh, hi, Eddie. Have you come to take me home? 405 00:31:18,798 --> 00:31:23,608 - What? What? - Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's Jackie. 406 00:31:24,437 --> 00:31:26,858 She died last night. Heroin overdose. 407 00:31:27,359 --> 00:31:28,728 It's Jacks! 408 00:31:29,790 --> 00:31:33,468 - So, merry Christmas, sweetie! - Merry Christmas, darling! Merry Christmas! 409 00:31:34,998 --> 00:31:39,690 - Merry Christmas, merry Christmas. - It's Patsy, darling. 410 00:31:39,799 --> 00:31:41,968 (EDINA LAUGHS JOYFULLY) 411 00:31:46,719 --> 00:31:48,400 Merry Christmas. 412 00:31:48,800 --> 00:31:51,259 (EDINA CHUCKLES) Come on, darling. 413 00:31:52,160 --> 00:31:57,390 - Well, merry Christmas, merry Christmas... - Will you stop saying merry Christmas? 414 00:31:58,279 --> 00:32:01,900 Too much, always too much. 415 00:32:02,561 --> 00:32:05,440 - This is for you, Saffy. - Oh, thank you, Gran. 416 00:32:06,000 --> 00:32:08,280 I can't remember what I bought everyone, 417 00:32:08,760 --> 00:32:13,680 but some of you will get cat beds and the others will get pillow lights. 418 00:32:14,520 --> 00:32:18,980 Ahh, I like it! It's just the ticket! 419 00:32:19,761 --> 00:32:22,152 Dad, what were you thinking? 420 00:32:22,642 --> 00:32:25,201 I don't want to discuss vulgar matters, 421 00:32:25,721 --> 00:32:28,251 but when you are with the other fellow, 422 00:32:28,761 --> 00:32:30,652 what's the procedure? 423 00:32:31,820 --> 00:32:34,312 How do you decide who is the gentleman and who is the lady? 424 00:32:37,323 --> 00:32:40,692 - Well, I... I'm the lady. - Oh, you're the lady! 425 00:32:42,762 --> 00:32:45,712 You two really have to stop talking about this now. 426 00:32:46,282 --> 00:32:49,163 If anyone doesn't like my presents I'll have them back... 427 00:32:49,723 --> 00:32:52,914 - Oh, Mum, I love it! - Good. 428 00:32:57,124 --> 00:33:00,174 - What's this? - It's a professional tool kit. 429 00:33:00,763 --> 00:33:03,743 - That you've always wanted? - How did you guess? 430 00:33:04,324 --> 00:33:08,223 - Eddie, how long does all this go on? - There's a sort of lunch thing. 431 00:33:08,925 --> 00:33:13,135 I think in the afternoon we can nip down Annabel's, have a bit of a... (LAUGHS) 432 00:33:13,885 --> 00:33:18,950 - Sweetheart, I've got you a little present. - Oh, cheers, sweetheart. I got you one. 433 00:33:20,400 --> 00:33:21,544 Happy Christmas! 434 00:33:21,926 --> 00:33:26,636 - Eddie, we will stay for lunch, won't we? - We'll stay for lunch, we'll stay for lunch. 435 00:33:31,965 --> 00:33:34,245 Cheers to the chef! 436 00:33:34,725 --> 00:33:36,406 (ALL) Cheers! 437 00:33:37,406 --> 00:33:40,846 Er, Mrs M...just a little for me, please. 438 00:34:39,930 --> 00:34:42,290 Oh, I knew this would happen! 439 00:34:44,811 --> 00:34:47,231 ♫ Wheels on fire 440 00:34:47,731 --> 00:34:52,470 ♫ Rolling down the road 441 00:34:53,291 --> 00:34:57,400 ♫ Best notify my next of kin 442 00:34:58,130 --> 00:35:03,751 ♫ This wheel shall explode ♫ 36812

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