Original subtitles

♫ Wheels on fire

♫ Rolling down the road

♫ Best notify my next of kin

♫ This wheel shall explode ♫

- What is that? - A Christmas tree.

- Oh, but, darling... - What?

- Plastique. - It's vey realistic.

I'm prepared to suspend my disbelief of Father Chrimbo, but not for that old hairbrush!

- Come on! - It's ecological.

Until you burn it! Hideous, sweetheart, hideous.

I'm just tying to make it a nice Christmas, darling, for little Lola and you.

It's my first family Christmas at home, sweetheart.

Anyway, I've...

- What have you done? - Nothing.

-(BUZZING) - It's a surprise! You can't see it yet!

- It's a surprise, it's a surprise. - Let me in!

(ELECTRICAL SAW BUZZES)

There you go. Had to take the top off to fit it in.

- Thank you. Cheers. - Yeah. See you, then.

God, it didn't look that big in the forest.

Where is it from? It's disgusting!

It's from special Greenpeace and Friends of the Earth recyc...

Scandinavia. Anyway, it would have ended up as cheap furniture in IKEA if it wasn't here!

It looked quite small from the helicopter!

- Get it out! - Can't, darling. Man's taken crane away now.

- Eddie! Eddie! - Is that Pats?

- Eddie, where are you? - Pats!

Follow my voice, darling. Hello, hello, hello!

Sweetheart! Patsy, darling!

Eddie, where have I been?

They must've picked you up on the way in. Fantastic, isn't it?

- Oh, look, squirrel, squirrel! - Squirrel!

- Well, that's realistic, darling. - Mum, come downstairs. I need to talk to you.

Nightmare in Gucci and Prada!

It's become... Oh, thank you.

It's become SO common. I blame Martine McCutcheon.

- Yes. - You have to queue to get in.

Then it's like Petticoat Lane! Shouting and chewing!

"Oi, Tracy! How do I look?

"Pass us a couple of belts, will you, and a Gucci shoehorn!"

Oh, so vey, vey common! Lost all its chic.

Honestly, one trip down Bond Street, suddenly she's a duchess!

- What did you get? - Whatever I could rip from a Sharon's grasp.

- Please don't send me there again! - I won't!

- I've got to go and see Saffy. - I'll come with you.

- No, you don't have to. - No, I'll come with you.

Ugh! Bollinger!

Well, I suppose if I must.

I don't mind Tiffany's, though I did see Amanda Holden in there sniffing around.

New wealth. So vey, vey common.

Listen. (HUMS TUNELESSLY)

♫ Ahhh ahhh ahhh ahh ahh-ah! ♫

Mum, I need that room tidy. We're eating in there tomorrow.

- It will be tidy. I've only got to do my wrapping. - Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, whoa-a-a!

Sit down.

I'm not angry. I know what you're tying to do. It's just too much.

The reason I like the plastic tree is because it's OURS.

Every year we get it out. It's like an old friend.

I know it doesn't look good, but it's special, and each decoration...

It just could be so much nicer, don't you understand?

- We do Christmas every year. - Yes.

We have our way of doing it. You can't come in here and dynamite away our local culture.

Where have we gone now? Where are we in the world?

- You have to be sensitive. - I am!

Mum, Christmas is always the same. We do the same things at the same times. It's lovely.

- It could be so much better, darling. - Only in your terms.

All right, all right. What is it you do? What's happened here?

Well, today I start the stuffing for the turkey.

- But I... - No, I cancelled the caterers.

Oh, darling! I was going to save you all this work, sweetheart.

We want to do it. We like doing it.

You can have a good time and do the work. Doing it IS having a good time. Here, help me.

Don't!

- It's raw sausage meat! - It's quite nice.

There was always more stuffing in your mother at Christmas than there was in the turkey.

Christmas is about doing things.

When you have the meal, it tastes better because you've done it yourself.

That's the theory they have at rehab. Works for me.

"Would you like a drink?" "Yes." "Pour it yourself." "Yes, I will. Cheers, sweetie."

Cheers, darling!

Cheers.

Why isn't she doing the stuffing? She's good at stuffing.

Once she stuffed the turkey with the contents of her handbag and the Christmas pudding.

Mum, will you stop eating it!

Granddad always put his fake teeth in the turkey's bottom...

…to make it look as if it was smiling!

"It's Princess Anne," he used to say!

Oh, how we laughed!

Ooh, I wonder where I put them.

♫ Glor-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo- OOOO-OOOO-OOOO-OOOO-OOO-OOO-OOO...

- Stop now, Mum! - ♫..ria! ♫

♫ Blah-blah in a-blah-blas! ♫

- Mama singing Christmas songs! - Yes.

- Eddie, look, is that an atoll? - What?

- Is that an atoll? - Yeah, darling.

A finger of sand poking up in the Indian Ocean has a resort on it!

A nipple of land the size of a coffee table has a Four Seasons resort on stilts on it!

Two people get in the sea and it's flooded! You use scuba gear to get to the lobby!

We'll go there next year.

(EDDIE LAUGHS UNCOMFORTABLY)

What exactly is this for and where does it go?

- It goes upstairs, Gran. - Oh, right.

- So, darling, Father Christmas comes tonight. - Yes.

We have drinks in the evening, then go to church.

- Yes? - Then we open stockings next morning.

Father Christmas brings the stockings, doesn't he, darling?

Because you've never been here, I've always done my own.

Naughty Father Christmas! Naughty Father Christmas, darling.

And for lunch, sweetheart? For Christmas lunch? Who comes to that?

- Well, there will be me and John... - Is he from Gabon?

- What? - Is he from Gabon?

- Gabon? - Yes, is he from Gabon?

- Why are you saying that? - Gabon.

- Will you stop saying that! - Ask her if he's from Gabon.

- Is he? - No.

No, he's not from Gabon, so shut up! Shh!

- Darling, Christmas lunch. Who's coming? - Bo and Marshall.

- Yeah, yeah. - And Dad and Gran and Jane.

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, come on!

- You haven't told her, have you? - It'll all be fine.

- Keep going. Who's coming to Christmas lunch? - Well, me, John, Dad, Gran, Jane, Bo, Marshall.

- And you! - Oh, are you inviting me for Christmas lunch?

Oh, Saff's just invited me for Christmas lunch, darling!

- Saff's just... (WHISPERS) And Patsy! - What, Eddie?

And Patsy? Oh, darling, you as well, she said! Invited us to Christmas lunch, darling!

No, Eddie, we're going away! We always go away!

- Just be here for Christmas... - No!

Just for little Lola, sweetheart. Just for Lola. We could just be here for Christmas.

- Couldn't we? - When were you going to tell her?

- Shut up! I understand this process! Shut up! - Eddie, I can't!

Give me the ticket!

Haven't got any tickets.

We're staying here for Christmas.

Yeah.

Well, you handled that vey badly, vey badly, darling.

- Sometimes you beggar belief. - Yeah, I know.

- Pats... - I can't, Eddie! I won't! I hate Christmas!

How cruel this time is with its ghastly pretence of festivity!

-(MOURNFUL MUSIC) - It's lights twinkling in cruel mockery!

Like the eyes of my Spanish gypsy boy!

(DRUNKENLY) He was too good to me!

Where is he now?

Why am I banished here with no one to love me?

(YOUNG PATSY) Mother.

Oh, you, Patricia.

What do you want, chit?

I...I...er...I...

What?!

Spit it out! Or I'll wash it down with absinthe!

Happy Christmas.

No!

Why?! Why have you done this?!

It must be kept out!

- We must not let it in! - (SCRAPES RECORD OFF)

Why have you brought this poison in?!

You are tainted with their gluttony

and...and insincerity

and urbanity and punctilio!

Sorry.

Oh, I lament your pain and your useless pitying!

But I, like a ship at harbour, too long have been riding my ropes

and now cast off the fetterhood of motherdom!

Where are you going?

I'm going down the Golden Calf

with Paolo and Maris and Lydia

to drink

and to play out the unfinished drama of my soul!

I won't be home!

If Betty-May comes over, the skinned rabbit is in the kitchen.

- Keep it out! - Keep it out!

I'll go on my own! I won't have to see your fat white body in a bikini like a beached whale!

Oh, thank you (!)

- Here we go! Here we go! - Eddie, Eddie, Eddie...

Oh, yeah. Oh, dear, just leave her, leave her.

I know what she's doing. I know...

You're supposed to be putting them on, not taking them off!

Christmas comes around so quickly, dear. It's hard to know where you are.

Just... Go on, scat, scat, scat!

It's supposed to be a Christmas tree, not the Blair Witch Project!

- Get up there. Put the star on. - No! I'm no good with heights!

- Get up there now! - I think I see an eagle circling!

Saff, come on up! We're putting the star on, darling!

(BLEATS) I'm sc-c-c-cared! S-c-c-ared! Sc-c-c-cared!

Saff, we're putting the star on the top, darling!

- Oh, my God! - What's happened to her?

- She's collapsed. It's quite normal. - Just leave her. Star on top, sweetheart.

I've not been this scared since I lost my teeth on the Cat and Mouse at Blackpool!

We have to do something. She is vey cold.

- We have to increase her temperature. - I'll get her a reviver.

If the patient's temperature is too low, you have to increase it by warming her up.

- Mum, you'll have to take her to hospital. - No one's finding this funny! Get up!

(SIREN)

- (PARAMEDIC) Patsy, can you hear me? - What are you giving her there?

What is that? Oxygen? I want that! She's all right! Pats, Pats, wake up!

We've got to go back. It's Christmas.

Ohhhhhh! Owwwww!

Owwwww! I hurt my head!

I need a stretcher. I want a stretcher like that. I'm sick, too!

(EDDIE) I want oxygen! I want the oxygen! (SOBS) Oh, no!

- What's the story here? - 65-year-old woman collapsed.

I'm 43!

Come back! Follow that trolley!

This is ridiculous! This is stupid! What is this, Eastern Europe? Ow!

(MUNERS TO HERSELF)

And I'm partial to an injection of adrenalin straight into the heart.

- That's good to know, Miss Stone. - Yeah.

- What's the matter with you? - I dunno. Had a funny turn.

I'd rather be here than having Christmas. Few days on drugs. Lovely.

- Can I go? - Pass me my chart.

I'll write down some of the things I must have. Read off that.

- "Smoking contains benzene, formaldehyde... - Benzene, formaldehyde.

- Hydrogen cyanide. - "Hydrogen cyanide."

- Put that back, please. - I'd stay, but I've got so much to do, you know.

Well, go!

Excuse me. It's just Miss Stone, she's extremely unwell.

- Yeah, well, I'M unwell! - Do you know who her next of kin is?

Oh, God, she's got a sister called Jackie. That's it, that's it!

Cross Patsy off your Christmas lunch list. They've put her on a bleep machine.

Oh. Sorry.

- Are you really? - Well, it is Christmas.

- What's that got to do with it? - Time to forgive and forget.

- I'd better get on with my wrapping. - Yes, well, don't go over the top.

I haven't gone over the top.

Sweetheart, about little Lola's present.

You know you said Wendy house? Well, darling, Bubble wondered if that was a Barratt Home.

- No! - No, I said not.

I said not. I didn't get one. I said no.

What have you got for Mama, darling?

- I'm not telling you. - Yeah, but if it's...

It's the thought that counts.

It's the thought I'm worried about, darling.

- Because if the thought is Yardley... - Stop it!

I have over-bought, darling. There's plenty of stuff in my room upstairs...

Will you just go!

And I don't eat Brussell spouts, remember. They make me a bit - phtt - you know.

Don't use too much paper. Don't overlap it. Just make it meet.

- Ah-ah-ah! - Scrooge!

Don't use too much of that ribbon either. It's expensive.

Oh, look at it. I don't want to give all this away.

- Who did I buy that for? - The old woman.

Oh, my mother.

It's a bit big, isn't it? That scarf, a bit big for her.

She won't want all that now, will she?

- She won't want it all now. - Common miserly.

Save the rest for next year. Just wrap that.

Merry Christmas,

I suppose, are appropriate words to use for this time of year.

No. She's in a coma, you fool. Anyway, Patsy doesn't do Christmas. Didn't you know?

Yes.

"Are you vey ill?" is the next subject that springs to mind.

- No, she's... - Hello.

- oh. - She's having a rest.

- Recuperation. - Wecupewation.

That's quite hard for you to say, isn't it? Say it again.

- Wecupewation. - Again!

- What are you doing here? - I bought you a small gift.

- Oh, yes, it's from both of us. What is it? - It's nothing.

- Go on, open it. It's a trifle, a trinket. - No, really, it's nothing.

Open it now. It's from me, mainly.

I told you. Just some lovely packaging.

- Turn up that drip. - I'll do it!

oh. oh!

- ohh! - You couldn't possibly understand them.

(CONTINUOUS BEEP)

Let's shock her.

Give me 2OO, Nurse.

Charging. Stand clear.

No, nothing. 36O.

Charging. Stand clear.

Hold it.

Oh, that was fantastic!

- You'll get more than a hamper this year. - There's nothing wrong with a hamper.

If you like anchovies, potted meat and thick-cut marmalade.

It's as if they scrape everything up that won't ever be sold and put it in a Christmas hamp...

- We're always vey grateful for the thought. - I blistered my lip with all my wrapping.

- Oh, dear. - Mm.

Stop shaking everything! Put it down! Shall I get you a stick and you can beat it to death?

- How did you manage the procreation? - Well...these things happen.

When you first met her, did you think that she was a man?

Certainly not.

Because I was wondering, what do you feel when you look at a man?

- Well, the same as when you look at a woman. - Well, when I look at a woman,

if she's gorgeous, then I think about intimate relations.

But when I look at a man, even if he's gorgeous, nothing.

When I look at Saffron, I think about maximum intimate relations.

But when I look at her mother, Edininia...

nothing!

I wondered if, when you had intimate relations with her, you thought she was a man.

That may well explain it.

Darling Saff, I'm bringing in something now, but it's not for you.

It's coming in now, but it's not for you.

It's not as big as it looks, darling. It's not as big as it looks, all right, sweetheart?

It's not for you, it's for Lola, darling.

- Listen to that! Jingle bells! It's not a reindeer! - (BELLS R_NG)

Sweetheart, darling, got a little thing for baby. Got a little thing for you.

Da-dee! It's for you, sweetheart. It's a stocking. Is it a stocking?

- Yes. - Yeah! It's for you, darling.

- Thank you. - Do you wanna know what's in it? Money!

- It's stuffed with money. - Has it got a tangerine and a sugar mouse?

- Merry Christmas! - This is the day that the Lord has made!

Hello, stranger! I hear you're joining us to celebrate the birth of Christ!

- Amen! - Don't sit down yet, Marshall. OK, baby.

- So what's happening with you two? - You haven't gotten our newsletter?

Hi, I'm Bo and this is Marshall. I am so excited! I cannot wait to share the news of this product!

- Well, what is it, Bo? - I'll tell ya, Marshall!

Rejoice because finally there is a non-fat fat-eating product for the faith community!

Hallelujah, Bo! Tell us what you're talking about!

I'm talking about Staylene, the non-fat fat-eating product system.

- System is a vey important part. - It sure is!

It is the best non-fat fat-eating system on the market today.

It is taking the fat out of America, but leaving the flavour behind! We are helping people!

- How does Staylene work? Is it a miracle? - Well, thanks for asking. And I think it is.

It's a chemical process prepared by our own ministry scientists at our laboratories in Ohio.

They explained to me that it is a combination of tiny sponges and silicone.

The sponges act like God's own angels sucking up the bad fat

and the silicone eases it gently out of your colon.

Staylene must be safe when science has, along with the Lord, had a hand in it.

- Amen! - Whaddaya miKing up there, Bo?

Oh, I'm not miKing, I'm agitating.

Agitating the compound prior to cooking.

Many other non-fat fat-eating products go straight through your body causing... I can't bear to say it!

Well, I'll say it for ya, Bo. Anal leakage.

But not Staylene, no. It's safe and effective and it also protects and cleans.

- To prove that... Would you agitate for me? - Sure, honey.

To prove this, I fed Marshall another fat-eating product. These were his pants after that day.

These are his underpants after Staylene. One pair, horribly stained.

The other, fresh as a daisy, as God intended. Can we celebrate that with a hallelujah?

Hallelujah! We have many testimonials from satisfied customers!

We sure do. In just three days of eating Staylene, Philomena Bill enjoyed these miraculous results.

- I think it's her face that's the problem. - It's pixelated, Bo.

I've been pixelated before I got good with the Lord! My face never looked like that!

But we are talking about Staylene, God's own non-fat fat-eating product system. Celebrate!

- An offer that's irresistible! - Amen! It also removes unwanted body hair!

Show 'em your back! I'm kidding because I'm crazy! So crazy, I have an offer!

The first ten people who call for our system will receive a free agitator!

- Steady, Bo! - I'm gonna do it!

- I'm gonna do it! Amen! Praise Jesus! - Can you believe this?

We've been in Staylene since the bottom fell out of the baby business.

Much like the bottom has fallen out of Marshall. He OD'd on Staylene.

- Yup, once an addict. Couldn't have one cookie. - Had to have the whole jar!

- Has everyone got a drink? - Oh, look at her, the hostess (!)

Merry Christmas Eve!

- Saffy. - Oh, no, Gran.

Happy Christmas Eve!

(FARTS)

Marshall, was that you? OK, upstairs now, mister!

Come on! March, two, three, four!

- Pats. - Jacks!

- I came as soon as I heard. - Heard?

No, don't speak. Don't tire yourself. I can see it's difficult.

The nurses tell me you haven't got long. Let's make the most of these moments.

- I haven't got long? - I know, darling. But I'm here. Your sister.

Oh, Patsy, always my favourite.

- Really? - Oh, yes, darling.

Your protector, friend.

Oh, darling...let's remember the good times, eh?

The old times. Before the birdsong comes to brighten the mood...

…and the terrible hours are driven away

and the demons creep back into... wherever you keep your demons!

My pants drawer.

It's... It's nice to have you here.

Yeah, I've been OK, haven't I?

Are you...er...missing Patsy?

Pat... Mm, yes, darling, I am missing Patsy, yeah. Well, yeah. Yeah!

We can go and see her tomorrow, take her something.

Just a little thing, darling. Not anything too big.

I think you were right. It's just too much. Everything's got out of control, hasn't it?

Yes. It's OK this time, Mum. I know you got carried away. There is a pleasure in giving.

Is there? Yes.

Yeah, there is, darling.

- Goodnight. - Goodn... Ooh!

- Jacks, I don't remember any good times. - Yes, darling. Parties!

Remember the party we had when Mother died. That was a great time. How happy we were.

- And then... - You married Marcello!

- Don't be... - I can't remember that! I wasn't there!

- Stop it or I shall fetch the nurse. - He was mine!

Marcello Agnelli. He was the only man I ever loved.

- We were meant to be married. You took him! - How could I take him? He was a grown man!

- You told him I was dead! - I thought you were dead.

How many people survive a heroin overdose on that scale?

(QUIETLY) I must've got the purity wrong.

When I came out of the clinic, YOU'D got him.

You stripped him clean!

The lifestyle tired me.

The Learjets, the villas, the yachts, the parents!

My God! Oh, Pats, darling, I'm so glad we can laugh at it all now.

But, darling, you've been all right.

You've had your job. You're a woman of means now, which reminds me.

The will. Darling, you've...um... You've left everything to me.

Will?!

There was some pair of shoes of yours that I like, so I included those. I can sell the rest.

My cats are going to be so grateful. Sign there.

I hate you!

Ohh, darling!

And now...

..the final pin.

I think I got the purity right this time.

We must get home for present unwrapping. I don't want to miss it, so we can't stay long.

- Excuse me, who are you here to see? - Miss Stone.

I'm afraid I have some bad news. Miss Stone passed away last night.

I got her...

- What did she say? - Mum, she's dead.

Patsy?

Oh, hi, Eddie. Have you come to take me home?

- What? What? - Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's Jackie.

She died last night. Heroin overdose.

It's Jacks!

- So, merry Christmas, sweetie! - Merry Christmas, darling! Merry Christmas!

- Merry Christmas, merry Christmas. - It's Patsy, darling.

(EDINA LAUGHS JOYFULLY)

Merry Christmas.

(EDINA CHUCKLES) Come on, darling.

- Well, merry Christmas, merry Christmas... - Will you stop saying merry Christmas?

Too much, always too much.

- This is for you, Saffy. - Oh, thank you, Gran.

I can't remember what I bought everyone,

but some of you will get cat beds and the others will get pillow lights.

Ahh, I like it! It's just the ticket!

Dad, what were you thinking?

I don't want to discuss vulgar matters,

but when you are with the other fellow,

what's the procedure?

How do you decide who is the gentleman and who is the lady?

- Well, I... I'm the lady. - Oh, you're the lady!

You two really have to stop talking about this now.

If anyone doesn't like my presents I'll have them back...

- Oh, Mum, I love it! - Good.

- What's this? - It's a professional tool kit.

- That you've always wanted? - How did you guess?

- Eddie, how long does all this go on? - There's a sort of lunch thing.

I think in the afternoon we can nip down Annabel's, have a bit of a... (LAUGHS)

- Sweetheart, I've got you a little present. - Oh, cheers, sweetheart. I got you one.

Happy Christmas!

- Eddie, we will stay for lunch, won't we? - We'll stay for lunch, we'll stay for lunch.

Cheers to the chef!

(ALL) Cheers!

Er, Mrs M...just a little for me, please.

Oh, I knew this would happen!

♫ Wheels on fire

♫ Rolling down the road

♫ Best notify my next of kin

♫ This wheel shall explode ♫