Original subtitles

- Hi, I'm Lisa Gilroy.

I'm here in my hospital gown,

and today, I'll be getting a lobotomy.

(upbeat music)

- [Vic] Today we're giving this comedian

a total transformation.

They have no idea who, or what they're about to become.

Once they see themselves in the mirror,

they'll have to make up a character, on the spot,

and then sit down with me for an improvised interview.

This is "Very Important People."

- [Stylist] Three, two, one!

- Oh my god.

I look younger!

Back in the day, I was one of Hef's girls.

Oh yeah, I've gotta tell ya,

that man is gay.

Don't marry him.

You get down in the basement.

I'll shut the door, and I'll give you shrimps for breakfast.

- I'm actually a baby, but I got cursed.

I am looking for my mom.

I'm scared!

(Lisa babbling)

It hurts.

Candies and cigarettes.

She's just so much cuter than I ever imagined.

(growls)

Hello, I'm Beverly.

It's me, it is Mrs. Werther's Original.

(Lisa coughs)

I used to do a lot of crystal meth.

I'm still high, and I'm wearing a curtain.

Me husband's dead, and all that.

Hello, it's me, Fast Grandma, ah!

(people laughing)

On your mark, get set, go!

Fast Grandma!

If you can catch me first!

(people laughing)

Do you guys like Fast Grandma as a character?

(upbeat music)

(camera clicking) (chimes tinkling)

- We all have a story,

and sometimes that story needs to be shared with the world.

Good evening, I'm Vic Michaelis,

back with another edition of "Very Important People."

Please, introduce yourself.

- You know who I am.

- Yeah, Grandma- - Ex-step-grandmother.

(funk music)

- I'm gonna call you Nana, is that all right, Nana?

- No, it's not all right with me.

- Well, what would you like me to call you?

- Fuck you.

- Nana, please don't say that. - Can I smoke in here?

- Can I have the lighter, please?

- Can I smoke in here? - Nana, Nana?

Nana, can I have the lighter, please?

- Open your mouth.

- No, I'm not gonna open my mouth.

Why would I open my mouth? - Open your mouth.

- I don't have lighter fluid in there.

- You're the reason your grandfather

wouldn't stay married to me.

- Yeah, because you left us home alone-

- Can I smoke in here? - No, you can't smoke in here.

The reason, but thank you.

The reason that you and my grandfather

are not married anymore

is because you left us home alone for four days.

- You told him I was stealing his Bitcoin.

- You were stealing his Bitcoin.

I'm a reporter now, and I invited you here

to get some family history.

- Oh, you're a reporter now?

- Yes, I'm a reporter now.

- Wow!

- It's actually pretty exciting.

I've actually done a lot of work on myself, and I-

- Where's your microphone?

- Where's my microphone?

- If you're such a reporter,

where's the microphone?

- It's taped.

It's taped to me. - Taped?

- And then I've got it, and then the box is here.

So, you can't get me, all right?

Yes, this is my nana, um-

- Ex-step-grandmother.

- What would you like me to call you

if I can't call you Nana?

I called you Nana for 23 years.

- You don't deserve the title anymore.

- That's fine, what would you like me to call you?

How can I refer to you?

- Why don't you call me your worst nightmare?

- You're not my worst nightmare.

- Oh, really?

- My worst nightmare is being left alone, stop!

Stop, Nana, stop, Nana! (hand smacking)

Nana!

And my nail is gone, so.

- Oh, I still got all two of mine.

- Well, Nana, please.

I brought you on here because I wanted to learn

about my family history,

and my other grandmother is on a cruise right now.

- I'm upset with you,

so I wanted to come find you,

to punish you.

- Can we put this aside for a second?

(things clatter)

That's- Why do people keep doing that?

- I'm sorry, Vic.

- Can I ask you a few questions?

- Yes, you may.

- You knew my grandparents for a long time

when they were together, and so-

- Yes, I did.

Your grandmother had small tits,

and when I came galloping in with my doinky doinky doinkys,

your grandfather looked twice, and that's not my fault.

- Okay, I think the piece of the story

that we're missing here

is my grandparents were married for 40 years,

and then my grandmother died in a horse accident.

And then, you two got together much later, so it's-

- We were very happy until little doo-doo was born.

That's you-you, doo-doo. - No, I understand.

You were pointing at me, I get it.

Listen, I genuinely brought you here

because you were a big part of my childhood,

and actually, you taught me a lot of things,

and so this was supposed to be sort of like,

sort of an appreciation episode.

So, I thought that that would be fun.

So, I wanted to say thank you

for the things that you gave me.

- What do you remember what I gave you?

- You- - Candies?

- Yeah, you gave me a lot of those candies,

and you said I had 30 seconds to finish them,

and if I didn't, then I-

What are you doing?

- Open. - I'm not opening my mouth.

- Open! - I'm not seven anymore.

I don't have to play this game, actually.

I'm not seven,

and they're wrapped, so how would I even eat them?

Stop! - 30 seconds is up!

- Actually, stop.

Okay, well, two can play this game.

(Nana screaming)

Oh stop, are you okay?

- Ow, you're hurting me! - She was throwing them at me!

- You're hurting me! - No, I'm not hurting you.

- Can I smoke in here? - You can't smoke in here!

You gave me your cigarette.

Okay, can somebody give my grandmother her medicine, please?

- It's fine, I don't need it.

- No, you need the pills.

You, did you just eat that with the wrapper on?

- No!

- I'm seeing the wrapper in your mouth.

- I'm not!

- You're gonna have to spit it out.

- I'm not!

(Nana crunching) (wrapper crinkling)

Jesus Christ! - No, we need the medicine.

- Thank you! - Where is your pills?

You said to have your pills on standby,

and so I asked for your medicine.

Why did they give you-

- I've got my medicine.

Now listen, what do you wanna thank me for?

(Vic sighs)

- My nana was a very special person-

- Is!

- My nana is a very special person.

Growing up, she actually had-

(Nana coughs)

Growing up, she actually had

one of the only woman-owned small businesses.

- Big hair for big bitches.

- She ran a salon called

Beautiful Hair for Voluptuous Women,

and it was truly a marvel.

- Why how come your hair is so small?

- Well, 'cause remember, you burned it all up.

- That's how I know you're not a reporter.

You say you are,

but your hair is pretty small.

- Okay, well, I...

I-

- This got the pits in it.

- Yeah, that does have the pits in it.

(Nana spits) Okay.

- Come here. - I'm eating off of that.

I don't like olives. - Come here.

- You know I don't like olives.

- Every sophisticated person likes olives!

- Okay.

- [Nana] Yummy, right?

- It's as bad as I remember.

- Spit the pit in my mouth.

- [Vic] I'm not spitting the pit in your mouth.

- Spit the pit in my mouth!

- It's gross, and it's gonna meme, and I don't want that.

This is supposed to be a lovely family episode.

Can we please-?

God.

- Ah, party pooper.

Can I smoke in here? Can I get another cigarette?

- No, you cannot smoke in here, Nana!

Nana, hey, focus.

All right, how about this?

Answer five questions.

We're gonna answer five wonderful questions,

we're gonna seem like a happy family,

and then you can go, all right?

- Have I ever shot a gun?

Yes.

Have I ever killed a dog?

Yes.

Have I ever lost a tooth?

No.

Have I ever been in love?

Yes.

- Okay- - Are you blind?

- No, I'm not blind. - Question for me, yes.

- Okay.

- Do you stink?

- Is that one- - Yes.

- Yeah, I thought that one might be for me.

Okay, well I wanna go back to something.

You said, "Have you ever been in love?

Yes."

Who was the first person you ever loved?

- First person I loved was your grandfather, Bill.

I loved him because his penis was wrinklier than ever.

It had thick circumference, and the tip was a marble.

- Okay, well I really don't want-

- And I would roll it- - Any more information-

- Down the stairs.

- You would roll Grandpa's penis down the stairs?

- Heavy tip.

- How did you do that? - Like a marble.

- But this would imply that it comes off.

- You've never been with a man before, have you?

- Me?

Yes, I'm married. - It shows!

- You were at my wedding, I'm married.

- It shows!

- Okay, Grandma, Nana. - Virgin alert!

- Nana, Nana, I'm not a virgin.

- Virgin alert! - Nana, I'm not a virgin.

You're gonna hurt yourself. - Virgin alert!

- Nana, stop, stop. - Virgin, ah, ah!

She's hurting me! - I'm not touching her.

I'm not touching her.

Nana, can we talk for a second?

Excuse me, we're just gonna take one second.

- Ow, ow, ow! - I know, and we're-

And we're fine, I'm being very gentle.

I'm being so gentle.

Nana, this is really important to me,

and I need you to focus, and I need you to stop.

You were really mean to me growing up,

but I love you anyways, because you're my family,

and that's what families do. Can we please do the interview?

- Okay doll, you're right. I'm sorry.

You look wonderful.

- You're the only grandmother that I really grew up with,

so this is like, kind of important to me.

- I'm sorry.

- [Vic] And my stepdaughter is watching.

- Okay.

- Okay.

Okay, (laughs uncomfortably) and we are back.

Nana, why don't we get your chair?

Can we have somebody help Nana get her chair

back to mark, back to position?

See, I say things,

and then people sort of fly in and do them.

If I wasn't a real reporter, would that happen?

(Nana groans)

Yeah, yeah, indeed.

Nana, start from the beginning.

You saw my grandfather,

but before that, you were a successful businesswoman.

Please tell me, how did you find the love of hair?

- I love to love hair.

- You love to love hair?

- Yes.

- I'll take it.

What a lot of people don't know about my nana

is that she was in the war.

- I love to love war.

- [Vic] You love to love war?

Why are you saying it like that?

- I'm being a good interview.

- What in your mind makes this a good interview?

Because you're smiling?

You're saying literally nothing.

- I said, "love to love war".

- This is worse than when you were throwing things at me,

and you were spanking me.

- Okay, fine!

Let's start that again.

- I don't want you to throw things at me, Nana.

- I got a flask!

You want me to get fucked up?

- You can't drink!

- You want me to get fucked up?

- Nana, stop, you can't drink. - Ah, ah, ah!

- I can't touch you. - Ah, ah, ah!

- Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana, come on, stop!

(Nana gurgling) Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana.

She dry drowns, so we can't do that, actually.

Nana, okay, you know what?

Can somebody take this?

Who gave this to her?

- I tried to be a good interview!

- We metal detected her on the way in,

so who, who gave this to her, huh?

Who gave this to her?

- Ah, ah, ah! - Okay, thank you.

Okay.

- Spank! - Don't spank me, ow!

(hand smacking) Nana, okay, Nana, Nana!

- I tried to be nice to you.

That's more than you ever did for me!

- When did you try to be nice to me?

- Just now, I smiled and I said I love war, and-

- You absolute son of a bitch, you won't die!

(Vic sighing)

What do you want?

Sorry. (Vic chuckles)

I'm liked around here, so.

- This your boyfriend?

- Is this my- I'm married, you were at my wedding.

- This one's better.

- No, my husband is lovely.

He's a lovely man, and my stepdaughter is here, so.

- Look at this one, he cleans up after you.

- Well, that's his job.

We pay him to do that. - Hey, hey, hey.

- Nana, please stop.

Nana, stop. - Hey, hey, hey.

- Nana. - Hey, hey, hey.

- Nana! - Hey, hey, hey, hey.

- We are gonna do this interview

whether you like it or not, okay?

- You flew me out to Los Angeles

to brag about your sad little career,

working at the New York Cheesecake Factory.

(Vic scoffs)

- I'm not working at the New York,

you're on television right now.

You know you're on television right now.

- Oh okay, then I can finally tell the truth.

My grandchild is a cheesecake slicer

at the New York Cheesecake Slicer Factory.

- I worked at the Cheesecake Factory for-

- They say they're a reporter, no.

They're made of cheese, Manchego.

- What does that mean?

- You know, cheese is a sensitive topic for me, actually,

because after you made your grandfather split with me,

I lived in the sewers, eating pizza like a Ninja Turtle.

- You lived in a sewer after Grandpa left you?

- Yeah, you feel bad now?

- No, I don't feel bad, 'cause when he died,

his entire fortune went to you.

- He's dead?

- Yeah.

Did, did they not give you, no.

You knew that.

- I didn't know. - You had to have known that.

(Nana sniffling)

Nana, did you really not know?

No, I'm sorry, it was-

He went really peacefully in his,

in his sleep, um.

No, it's, it's okay.

Hi, it's, no, it's fine, and okay.

And so this is me being, okay, it's okay.

Hey, no- - Psych!

- What, stop, ow!

Nana, Nana, Nana! - I'll fucking kill you!

- Nana! - Yes I will!

- Nana! - I will kill you!

- I'm gonna do this interview if it's gonna kill both of us,

you son of a bitch!

- Crush you like you crushed me.

- Yeah, well if I'm going down,

you're comin' down with me!

(Vic gasping) (Nana panting)

- What're we doin'?

What're we doin'?

- That's what I've been,

I've been saying that.

What are we doing?

(emotional music)

- Come here.

Listen, I was never a good grandmother to you.

- No, you weren't.

- I'm full of anger. - Yeah.

- I've been spiteful and revengeful.

- You beat me on live television.

- And for that- - In front of my stepdaughter.

- I'm sorry.

- Do you mean that?

- Psych! - No!

Help, you're doing nothing!

Everyone is just watching this!

- Ha, ha, loser alert!

- She's pantsing me!

Nana!

- Everybody come look at this loser!

- Sit in your goddamn chair, old woman.

Can I smoke in here?

(Vic chuckling)

- Ah.

Here, let me do it for you, doll.

Hey, hey, lean in, here you go.

- Thank you, oh. - Hey, hey, hey!

- Can I have that back, please?

- God.

Can't catch a break with these people.

- You can't catch a single break.

- It's me and you against the world!

What's up with that?

- Literally on Craigslist, a lot of 'em.

- What a nightmare!

- What a nightmare.

- So tell me about you, doll.

- Oh god, busy.

- Yeah, this show's really good.

- No, of course not.

- You deserve better.

- I know, and I keep telling them that.

- You honestly do, suit looks great, though.

- Do you think? - Yes.

- Somebody said I looked like a boy.

- Nope, the color is your color.

- That was what I thought, and then with the set,

I thought it was nice.

- The chair is gorgeous.

- This is a fun outfit too. - Thank you.

- The muumuu, but it's more dense for the wind.

- I wanna be buried in it, sleeping bag, nice and warm.

- Do you? - Yes.

- Write that down, so that way I have that.

- Okay, you'll come,

you gonna organize it?

- Yeah, I'm gonna organize it.

- Thank you, doll. - I'm gonna sing.

I know you don't want me to sing, but I'm gonna sing.

- Okay, click, click.

- Click, click. (nails clicking)

My nana wrote a book, we have it.

Can we get the book out here?

(Vic sighs)

- Can we get the book out here?

- Thank you.

My nana wrote a book.

Nana, I was hoping you could read, maybe, a passage.

- Of course.

This, of course, I wrote about your grandfather.

(Nana clears throat)

"He pulled down his corduroys.

His wrinkly dick with the marble on the tip

bounced down the stairs,

and rolled straight into the delicate crack

between the, the crack between my butt.

Once it had arrived, and nestled and burrowed,

ooh, I threw my hair back in a screech of delight.

My hair was red at the time,

and so long it dangled down to tickle my heels.

'You're tickling me,' I screamed.

He said, 'That's not me, that's you.'

I said, 'How could it be me?'

He said, 'It's your hair, it's your long hair.'

I said, 'My hair is long enough to tickle my heels?'

He said, 'Yes it is.'

I arched my back with delight.

'Yes it is,' I screamed.

'It's my own hair tickling my own feet.'

His marble dick went ping-pong between my butt cheeks,

as I arched in flavor and delight."

- It's beautiful, it's more beautiful

than I remember, actually.

- You read a chapter.

(Vic clears throat)

- "I came."

I love that chapter.

I think it's nice, and it sort of gets to the point.

- Thank you.

- And I think that that's lovely. Can we take this?

Can I ask you some questions?

- Sure.

- They're on a card.

I have glasses now.

- Uh-oh, nerd alert.

- No, it's not a nerd alert.

I was warning you so you could get it-

- Nerd alert!

- I warned you so you could get it outta your system.

So, I do have glasses.

- Whee-oo, whee-oo, whee-oo!

You hear that?

That's the police comin'.

- For, to arrest me for being a nerd?

- Fucking nerd in the house.

- So they have to arrest me, and take me to nerd jail.

What is some- - Whee-oo, whee-oo!

- And then I have to escape jail,

and I can use math to sort of figure out

where to dig the tunnels.

- Put your glasses on.

- I don't put them on.

I do it like this, and then I read.

- That's even nerdier, unfortunately.

- No, it's not nerdier.

- Now the police is stepping aside,

and the military is coming in.

- [Vic] No, it's not causing a war because I'm a nerd.

- There's a nerd on the beach!

- And then everybody goes we have to bomb the beach-

- Yeah, you get this fuckin' nerd!

- To make sure that the nerd is buried, I know.

And so we're doing it like this.

- Okay I'm done, go ahead.

- What is something you've always wanted to try?

- Pizza.

- You've never tried pizza?

- I've only had the sewer kind.

Never from a restaurant.

- What is your morning routine?

- Wake up, go to the gym,

go to the tanning salon, do my laundry.

- GTL, right, you're the original "Jersey Shore."

I'm just so curious-

- I don't know what that means.

- "Jersey Shore?" - My dog's name is Snooki.

- You've never seen "Jersey Shore,"

and your dog's name is Snooki?

That's the main character on "Jersey Shore."

- I wouldn't know.

- These are super specific references to "Jersey Shore."

- So sue me.

What's the Situation?

(Vic sighs)

- Do you believe in free will?

- No.

- Okay, this is actually, I think, a really great one,

and a really topical one.

What is your biggest regret?

- When I came in here earlier,

I saw you were drinking some sorta coffee outta that mug.

- [Vic] Yeah.

- And I thought that was so despicable.

- Drinking coffee out of a mug?

- Yeah, because I see that you're trying to be a grownup.

You never used to drink the stuff when you were little.

- Well no, because I was-

- And now you have a show, and you have your drinks,

and your glasses, and your suit,

and I wanted to ruin your coffee.

And you know something about me?

- What, I've been drinking that coffee all afternoon.

- I don't live with regrets.

- What are you doing? Stop, no.

I'm not- No!

♪ Doo, doo, doo ♪

- Okay, well, I'm gonna get that out of the way.

- Now ask me the question again.

Absolutely no fuckin' regrets.

- Okay. - Have a sip.

(Vic scoffs)

- You couldn't pay me- - Have a sip.

- You literally couldn't pay me to drink that.

- You don't need money, you're gonna do it for free.

- Why would I do it for free?

- Because you're thirsty.

- I'll just drink your water if I really-

- Oh okay, take a sip and we'll move on.

- Well, we'll just move on.

- Take a sip, and we'll move on.

- I think we're just gonna move on, because I'm in charge.

So. - What if I do the countdown?

- Don't do the countdown.

♪ Five bad men are coming down the stairs ♪

- [Vic] I don't, I'm not-

♪ Foresight is important ♪

- I don't need a countdown to be told to do something.

♪ Three wise kings at the side of Jesus ♪

♪ Two tiny blueberries ♪ - Stop it.

Don't countdown- ♪ In the stew ♪

Don't say one. Please don't say one.

♪ One ♪

Okay, fine, fine, fine.

(Vic gulping)

(Vic continues gulping)

- Good, next question.

- What is the meaning of life?

- Family.

(nails clicking)

- Can you fix my nail?

- You had a nail fall off? - My nail fell off, and-

- Give it to me. - I didn't wanna say anything.

Can we get nail glue?

No, stop.

(Nana crunching)

I knew you were gonna eat it.

- [Nana] You want one of mine?

- [Vic] Nana, Nana, that sounded so crunchy.

(Vic crunching)

- Just like old times. - It does.

It is like old times.

Do you mean it when you say family is the meaning of life?

- Yes.

I do.

- I love you.

- What? - I...

- What did you say? - I love you.

- Say it loud, and say it proud.

- I love you.

I love you.

- Wow, come here.

Come here. (Nana pats lap)

- Oh, this is nice, Nana.

- I'll sing you a song.

- I love that, you have such a beautiful voice.

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ Oh whoa ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ Oh wow, wow, wow, wow ♪

♪ Ooh wah, wah, wah, whoa ♪

♪ Ooh wah, oh, oh ♪

- Nana, Nana? ♪ Oh wha, wha, wha, wha ♪

- Nana...

Nana. Nana?

Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana!

Come on, it's okay.

Hey, come here.

Nana?

Nana, no.

Wait no, I'm not like ready.

Can somebody help her?

Can somebody help my nana? Do we have a medic here?

There's gotta be a medic somewhere here.

Nana, come on, come on, you're okay.

- Psych! - No!

- Ah! - Nana!

(upbeat music) (audience cheering)

(upbeat music continues)