All language subtitles for Very Important People s01e02 Denzel.eng

- Hey, how's it going?

I'm Ify Nwadiwe, I'm excited to be here.

Gonna get a whole bunch of
makeup and costume on me

and I'm gonna make a
fun character out of it.

(upbeat energetic music)

- [Vic] Today, we're giving this comedian

a total transformation.

- (laughs) Okay, eyes are closed.

- [Vic] They have no idea who

or what they're about to become.

Once they see themselves in the mirror,

they'll have to make up
a character on the spot

and then sit down with me
for an improvised interview.

This is "Very Important People."

- (laughs) Oh man, I got a big old head.

That's a cranium. (laughs)

Like what if I'm like
the smooth alien? Yeah.

We ain't got nobody
like you in my universe.

Yeah, I brought this
gold suit out for you.

You know, this one.

Look, they ain't got 'em
like this. Custom made.

(crew laughing)

So I can't walk straight
'cause alien legs,

our joints don't move that way.

My mating dance.

(crew laughing)

Yeah, this is it. Y'all
wanted to see Banksy.

It's me. I'm an alien.

What y'all going to do now?

My people sent me down.

We're all over the universe
going to different planets.

I chose y'all. I chose Earth.

(crew laughing)
(funky music)

So don't be afraid.

But if you are aroused,

that's exactly what I'm looking for.

Greetings, Earthlings. (chuckles)

(upbeat funky music)

- I dunno, what do you have to say

about my car's extended warranty?

Yeah. (clears throat)

We all have stories to tell

and sometimes those stories

need to be shared with the world.

Good evening, I'm Vic Michaelis.

Here with another edition
of 'very Important People."

Please introduce yourself.

- Hello, my name is
(vocalizes and ululates).

- Spelled the way it sounds?

- Yes, but you could just call me Denzel.

(text thuds and chitters)

- Denzel, I have to ask,

how long have you been here on Earth?

- I've actually only been
here the last 20 years.

Just kind of hanging
out, getting the vibes.

- How fascinating. Is there
anything that you've picked up?

Any hobbies, any interests?
Have you taken a day job?

- Oh, you know, I've been
watching lots of movies.

I like what y'all say about other aliens.

I could defeat Michael Jordan
in basketball if I wanted to.

That's one inaccuracy.

- "Space Jam."
- Oh yeah, yeah.

Another thing, I'm
drinking water just fine.

You know, that wouldn't stop us.

- "Gremlins."
- Yeah.

And also I could beat Will Smith's ass.

That's the only one that made
me mad, "Independence Day."

- You think going toe-to-toe
in a fight, you and Will Smith-

- Yeah, I would destroy him.

- Do you have any capabilities?

Is there any reason that
you would think that?

'Cause here on Earth, Will
Smith is pretty tough.

- I bench 315. I got a nice PR.

- Listen, that's more than I can bench.

- [Denzel] Yeah.

- Not quite as much as I
thought you were going to say

if I'm being totally honest.

- Oh, working on it.

- No, and please excuse my my ignorance.

Do you need food for sustenance? Is that-

- No, no.

See, our skin sucks in
both the moon and the sun

and feeds us-
- Huh, well-

- Much like-
- The moon,

and I'm again, what do I know?

I'm just a human.
- Yeah.

- The the light from the moon
is the light from the sun.

- So I basically take, you know,

most of my energy from the sun.

(crew laughs)
- Oh, I see.

- Yeah.

- Fascinating.
- Yeah.

- Absolutely fascinating.
- And if it gets reflected

off the moon, I'll take that too.

- So you don't need any food,

but certainly you need
some sort of shelter.

- I don't need shelter.
I just kinda walk around.

I roam, I do things.
- I see.

So a little birdie told me you
utilize a lot of disguises.

- Yes, I utilize a lot of disguises.

- If you come over here,

we actually have a couple of
photos of those disguises here.

- Yes.
- Now from the naked eye,

the untrained eye, it does sort of look

like you're just putting on hats.

- Yeah, the hats are the best disguises.

You put on a hat,
peoples are more focused,

they're not paying attention, yeah.

- Well, how are you watching your movies?

- Oh well, I just go to Redbox

and then like right when somebody tries

to return a Redbox, grab it.

They can't see me. I'm using
the invisibility technology.

- I see. But we did go ahead and see.

So we got a photo of you being invisible

and it does look like a white sheet

just sort of draped over your head.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Sort of like a ghost on Halloween.

- It works.

- It looks like you're actively scaring

a few of the people around there.

They look a little confused
as to what's happening.

- Yeah. Alien technology can be scary.

That's probably what is tripping them out.

- Right, I understand.

So bring me through this.

You've now obtained the DVD from Redbox.

- Yes.
- How are we playing this DVD?

- I've kind of cobbled together

different of your technologies

and kind of kept them in
the back of a guest house.

- Right. Okay.

So I'm gonna pause you right there.

You did say you didn't
have sort of human shelter,

but you are renting a guest house?

- I'm staying there. I'm not renting it.

- What do you mean by
you're staying there?

- I just go in there when
I need to watch movies.

- Do the people in the main house

know that you're staying there?

- Do you know anyone's
in your guest house?

- I would know if someone

was in my guest house, I would assume.

Are you staying in my guest house?

- Well, you would know, right?

- So sort of, okay-
- Let's let's just say,

hypothetically, if I was
staying in your guest house,

would you feel the need to charge me rent?

- Yes, Denzel.

I would feel the need to
charge you rent if you were-

- I'm not staying at your guest house.

(crew laughs)

- So, sorry, Denzel.

You're spending most of
your days here on Earth

watching movies and going to the gym?

- Yeah, yeah. Hanging out in the sauna.

And then I pretty much, you know,

I definitely have to watch, you
know, your human pornography

to understand how y'all have sex.

- And why would you need to understand

how we're having sex, Denzel?

- Because I'm here to
repopulate your planet.

- You're here to repopulate our planet?

- Yeah. You know.

- So you've heard it here first.

An alien race is here to
repopulate our planet.

- Don't say it like that.

That makes it sound like an invasion.

This is very consensual.

- How is it consensual?

- Well, because-
- 'Cause consensual would mean

that we're excited that you're here

to repopulate our planet.
- Well, you don't know yet.

This is how we're finding out, right?

- Why are you using the term repopulate?

- Well, because I did the math.

- Because we are populated.
- Yeah, yeah. I get that.

- So I'm curious is why are
we using the term repopulate.

- Well, if you go online,

all these new-generation kids
are scared of sex scenes.

(gentle mellow music)

- Denzel, I was hoping

you'd play Two Truths & A Lie with me.

- Let's do it.
- All right, go ahead.

- I was sent here to
repopulate your planet.

I'm living in your guest house.

- Right.
- I can bench 500 pounds.

- You just said you
could bench 300 pounds.

Denzel, are you living in my guest house?

- You got any more of them questions?

I got some, you know, I
got some alien meeting.

- What alien meeting do you have, Denzel?

Was it true that you are
coming to populate this planet?

'Cause it doesn't seem like you've taken

any steps to do that so far.

- Well, look.

I got here.

I looked up your pornography
to see how to romance you.

- I'm sorry, Denzel.

Are you using pornography

to see how to woo people here on Earth?

- Why would you record yourself having sex

if it isn't a tutorial?

Like, that makes no sense.

- Denzel...
- What is that for?

- It's for pleasure. It's for fantasy.

- That's kind of fucked up. Yeah.

- Why is that fucked up?
- Because that's,

I guess, love, you know?

That's like the creation of another child.

- I think it's for pleasure

and then you move on.

- Well, you keep saying
pleasure. What is that?

- What is pleasure?
- Yeah.

- You know, I don't, (clears throat)

I don't really, um, I don't really know.

(gentle mellow music)

We have another segment here-

- Okay.
- called Would You Rather...

- Yeah, that sounds real good.

- Would you rather-
- Okay.

- be way too hot or way too cold?

- We don't feel temperature
'cause of alien technology.

- You don't feel temperature

because of alien technology?
- Yeah, yeah.

Because if it starts to feel too hot,

we grab these garments.

It's a smaller garment If it's too hot.

If it's cold, it's a heavier
garment to keep me warm.

- So you're describing a sweater.

- Uh.
- Okay, next.

We're gonna go to the next question.

Would you rather-
- Okay.

- find true love or win the lottery?

- Love is nice, you know.

- Can I ask, do you date much here?

- No, no, no.

I pretty much just kind
of watch the activity

of the person whose guests'
house I'm staying in

and kinda see what they got going on.

- And what do they have going on?

- I don't know. It seems
like they cry a lot.

They pace, do a lot of pacing.

- Denzel, I feel
obligated to let you know,

as we are recording this right now,

somebody is installing
cameras at my guest house

because two renters have
said the place is haunted.

- That's illegal.
- It's not illegal

if it's your property.
- That's illegal.

You should call them right
now and get 'em to stop.

Stop 'em.
- I'm not gonna do that

because unless you're
living in my guest house,

I don't know why you would have

a problem with that.
- I just don't want you

to get into legal trouble.

- Next question.

Would you rather speak only Pig Latin

or only speak in rhyme?

- Where would you install the cameras,

if you were going to install the cameras?

- I'm not gonna tell you where
I would install the cameras

'cause I think you're living
in my guest house, Denzel.

- Why would I, an alien, need
to live in your guest house?

- That is a wonderful question

that I would also like the answer to.

- Yeah.

- Would you rather lose everything you own

or lose all of your toes?

May I ask, if it's not too
invasive, do you have toes?

- No. No.

It's just one. It looks like a tentacle.

- I see.
- But the suction,

it's one big suction

cup
- Like a suction cup?

- Yeah.
- That's incredible.

So you can hang from the ceiling?

- Yeah. It's almost as if no
camera would be able to see me

so it's kind of useless to
try and install a camera

if you're trying to install a camera-

- Denzel, do you have human
money to pay rent somewhere?

(Denzel stammers) Because
you've been here long enough

that it feels like maybe
you should get a job.

- Why would I need a job?

I'm here on an alien mission that's bigger

than any type of commerce.
- Denzel, name one thing

that you have done to
help this alien mission.

Name one technology that
has made this place better

since you got here.

- I made Clubhouse.
- You made Clubhouse?

- Yeah, the app Clubhouse.
- The app Clubhouse?

- I made it.

- That people were on for two weeks?

- Yes. That was me.

- Okay, Denzel.

If you are here to in
fact repopulate the Earth,

I am gonna give you this time right now

to explain your mission
to the entire audience.

Wouldn't we like that?

(audience clapping)
Yes. Go ahead, Denzel.

(tender music)
(Denzel sighs)

- We have this alien
tradition where I come from

where the two people who like raised you

have expectations of you.

Because of those expectations,

if you say you're gonna
go off and do something

they expect it to get done.

Y'all might not know about it.

- Parental pressure?

I'm sorry, please.
- I mean, if I was naming it-

- Please continue.
- that's what I would call it.

- All right.
You're real quick

on your toes.

You like, take the alien technology

and kind of give it some cool-
- I appreciate you.

- Earthling name.

- Sort of a standard name.
- Yeah.

- I would say you're giving
it sort of an alien spin.

- So when I told my parents, "Yo, I'm out.

I'm gonna go repopulate Earth."

They didn't think I could do it.

- Well what is your planet like?

- Well, you know, you just
have a whole bunch of people

that like, from the hours of like

what would be understanded on Earth

from nine to five would just
go in and do some type of work

and then after that, go home,

meet a partner and maybe procreate

and raise that procreation,
put 'em through school.

And sure, there are like
creative tasks on the planet

where like there are people

who like to entertain each other.

There's probably not a
word for it out here,

but like, we stand on stage

and we tell funny jokes and stories.

- Stand-up.
- Huh?

- You're talking about stand-up?

- Yeah, we stand up while we do it.

But like, that's hard, you know?

And so sometimes it's kind
of hard to find your place

in this alien society.

It's probably blowing your mind right now.

- Denzel, I'm sorry, just to stop you.

Are you saying you do stand-up
comedy on your planet?

You tell jokes?

- I try, but you know.

- We do have a clip of you doing stand-up.

- I mean, the references
might go over your heads.

The female Gleezorps, you know,

they be involved in commerce

and they love to be involved in commerce.

We can't get 'em to stop
being involved in commerce.

And the darker-skinned
Gleezorps, you know,

we walk like this, you know,
like that's how we walk.

And the lighter-skinned Gleezorps, like,

they're all buttoned
up and they, you know,

they talk like this. (laughs)

That's my time.

- Some viewers wrote in

and so we have a few questions for you.

We'd like some of your opinions

on Earth things.
- Of course.

- Your opinion on hand sanitizer?

- Toxic to my skin.

- Really?
- Funny enough. Yeah.

- How is it toxic to your skin?

- It hurts when I use it.

- Do you happen to have
open cuts on your hand

as you're putting on the hand sanitizer?

- Yeah. How'd you know?
- All right, Denzel.

Your opinion on rollercoasters?

- Why would I be afraid of rollercoaster?

- I'm not saying you're
afraid of rollercoasters.

I'm asking if you've
been on a rollercoaster

- And I'm asking why would I
be afraid of a rollercoaster?

- I'm not saying you're afraid-

- I've been on space ships-
- But it's seeming like,

maybe, you're afraid

of rollercoasters-
- that go faster

than those rollercoasters.

So if I don't go on rollercoasters,

it's because I've been on

the spaceships before
- Are you afraid

of rollercoasters?
- No!

Next question.
- All right.

What is your opinion on traffic lights

- Top 10 worst human inventions.

- Really?

- Alien technology, we don't have that.

We have signs that kind
of alert you to stop

and then everyone takes their own turn.

- How is that different
from a traffic light?

- It has three colors. Ours
just says, "Do not go."

- Like a stop sign?

You have to have seen-
- Ya'll must have had-

- a stop sign at some point.
- someone who invaded

before me and taught you these things.

- Next. What's your
opinion on Jersey Mike's?

- Too much bread.

- I'm gonna have to agree with you there.

- You done a, know what I mean?

- Thank You.

Oh, I'm so sorry. Breaking news.

We have security footage of
Denzel breaking into my house.

Okay.
- What?

- So let's go ahead and play that.

- Huh.

Anybody home over here?

What kind of technology is this?

- Denzel, why are you lying to me?

Why didn't you just tell me

you were staying in my guest house?

- Because look. Look how
frazzled you are now.

It was much easier when
you didn't know I was there

and I watched you cry every night.

- All right, Denzel.

I am contractually obligated
to ask my final question

that I ask each and
every one of my guests.

What do you think the meaning of life is?

What do you think the meaning
of you being on this show is?

'Cause I can't seem to
figure it out. Do you know?

Does anyone know?

- I'm a fucking alien.

Like, come on, like, you like relax.

The bar is in hell, okay?

So first off, before you get
real rude to me, remember that.

That you don't know what I could do.

Yeah, I could have zapped you.

That could have been electricity.

- You could have but you didn't.

- Yeah. Yeah. But I-
- What is this?

Does this actually do anything?

- Electricity.

You don't even know if,

'cause at any moment that
could be real electricity.

You don't even know.
- Zap me.

- I won't.

- I'm asking.
- I won't.

- Take me out.
- No.

'Cause I know what's illegal.

Like putting cameras in houses

that shouldn't have cameras.
- It's not illegal.

What is the meaning of life?

(tender music)

- The meaning of life is our connections.

Who we speak to, who we have around us

and what legacy we leave behind

with those that we exist
on this plane with.

It's about helping each other.

It's about doing what we can

so that in another life,

the effects felt by our existence

is little and/or helpful.

So things like recycling,

mutual aid, letting someone
live in your guest house-

- We were so close.
- without rent and not being

an asshole about it-
- This close.

- when you find out-
- We're so close.

- And not putting like
weird fucking little cameras

and shit like that, that's
the meaning of life.

So how about that?

- It was beautiful and then...

But (exhales sharply)

as a peace offering,

how about tonight we go to
Redbox and pick out a movie.

- You're gonna pay for it?
- I'll pay for it.

- Sure.
- Okay. All right.

- Sure.

- Thank you so much for
joining us this evening.

I'm Vic Michaelis reminding
you to be true to yourself

unless you'd rather be someone else.

Goodnight.

Are you driving?

- No.

- You're holding onto the
bottom of my car, right?

- Yeah.

- Okay. Well, you can sit
in the passenger seat.

Oh. (sighs)

And you owe me so much money for repairs.

- That's, that's no.

Who did that?

(jaunty music)
(audience applauding)

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