All language subtitles for Smother English

Hi, you'’ve reached
Noah and Clare.

Leave a message at the--

Hi, it'’s Mom.

I hope I'’m not bothering you.

Happy Halloween.

Well, you'’re probably
at work now,

so you can just call me
when you get home.

You--I mean,
but you actually

don'’t really
have to call me until--

Obviously
it'’s not anything important,

but if you want to call me,
please feel free to.

I just wanted to ask--

Shoot, I can'’t remember
why I called now.

Anyway, I am sleeping
so much better

with this new prescription,

and my jaw only clicks now
when I yawn or chew, and I--

Oh, you know what?
I remembered why I called now.

Do you have my VCR manual
in your--

Hang on a second.
My toast just popped.

All right, Sammy Higgins.

Who'’s on the phone, Marilyn?

-- What'’s that, huh?
-- Who'’s on the phone?

What do you mean?
Somebody'’s on the phone?

Hello?
Hello?

There'’s nobody
on the phone, Gene.

I think your mom'’s messages
are getting shorter.

You know how people

worry about their mothers dying?
- Mm-hmm.

I worry mine'’s
gonna live forever.

There has to be
another exercise I can do.

Who'’s the physical therapist,
Bob, you or me?

- You.
- All right,

keep those knees up,
I want to see

some high steppin'’,
work that ACL.

Noah, your mom'’s on line one.

- Tell her I'’m busy, would you?
- Mm.

You'’re doing great, Bob.

You look like
a gazelle back here.

Cooper, I need you
in my office now.

Technically, Dana,

it'’s your dad'’s office,
not yours.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

That'’s what he thinks.

Today, Cooper.

That'’s good, Bob.
Take a rest.

Oh, thank God.

Dad, I have Cooper here.

...need to see your ticket--

I upgraded to first class
on the website!

Dana, what time we doing
that Cooper thing?

He'’s here now.

- Put him on.
- He is.

- Hello, Ralph.
- Enough small talk.

I'’ve asked Dana
to meet with you

to discuss some issues
we'’re having. Dana?

We'’ve been watching you
as head PT now

for several months,
and it'’s become

increasingly clear
that you'’re not meeting

company standards.

Show Copernicus the numbers.

These are the monthly
billing guidelines

that have been
established for you,

and these are the actual totals
that you billed out.

Quite a discrepancy,
wouldn'’t you say?

I would say that these goals
are completely unrealistic.

Oh, you'’re the boss now?
I didn'’t get the memo.

Look, I'’ve told you this
before, Ralph.

I'’m not gonna overbill patients
for you.

It'’s unethical.
- Are you calling me a fraud?

The bottom line is this.

We have given you

plenty of chances
to get with the program,

and you failed.

I'’m sorry to say this,

but we'’re gonna
have to let you go.

You'’re firing me?

You just won Jeopardy, genius.

It'’s not a reflection
of you as a person.

How does it not reflect on me
as a person?

Have your testicles
even descended yet?

Did he just say testicles?

I built this office for you.

Every doctor that refers
patients to us is because of me.

Every supplier connection
is because of me.

Christ, I hit
a game-winning home run

against Silverman'’s
Orthopedic All-Stars

and won a championship for you.

Only '’cause I got a 2-out hit
in the ninth

and kept the inning alive!

Against a shortstop
that had a prosthetic leg.

You hit it to his weak side.
There'’s no pride in that.

Go to hell, Cooper!
I never want to see you

in my office again!

Dana, call security.
- Gladly.

-- Calm down--
-- What was that noise?

Are you all right?
Don'’t let him take any spines!

"But the wise little Alice was
not going to do that in a hurry.

"'’No, I'’ll look first,'’
she said.

"For she had read
several nice little stories

"about children
who had got burnt

and eaten up by wild beasts
and other unpleasant things."

Sorry, guys, sorry.

Sit tight, okay?

Mrs. Cooper'’s class.

Hello, Mrs. Cooper, it'’s me.

- Hi, me.

So I have some good news
and some bad news.

What happened?

Well, the bad news is,
I got fired.

The good news is,
I'’m gonna start my own practice

two years ahead of schedule.

Ralph fired you?

Well, no, Dana did.

Ralph was on speakerphone.

Oh, my God, what an asshole.

Look, honey,
I'’m--I'’m really sorry,

but I'’m in the middle
of class right now.

Can we talk later?

Yeah, try not get fired, '’kay?

One of us should have a job,
I think.

Happy Halloween.

Good-bye.

Oh. How'’s it going?

- Pretty good.
- Great.

Uh, who are you?

Um, Myron Stubbs.

You know, I'’m--I'’m Clare'’s
cousin from Indianapolis.

She said I could stay here
for a few days

for this writing seminar
I'’m going to.

Oh, right. I thought that was
in a couple weeks.

Yeah, it got moved up, so--
I called her from the airport

to find out
where the spare key was.

I never would have guessed.

I'’m Noah.

Oh, yeah, nice
to finally meet you.

Yeah, nice to meet you.

Hey, can I ask you
a question?

Is that my toothbrush
next to your toenail clippings?

Oh, is it?

Oh, man, I'’m sorry.

I forgot mine at home,
so I just--

Yeah, simple mistake.

Well, you know what?
I'’ll just go buy one.

Nah, that'’s okay.

You know what? Keep it,

and think of it as
a "welcome to our home" present.

Really?
Right on.

Thanks.

Trick or treat!

- Trick or treat!
- Uh-oh, who is it?

Oh, look at this.

Straight from
Villa Villekulla.

How exciting.

Happy Halloween.

Thank you.

There'’s my unemployed man.

Did my cousin
get here okay?

Yeah, he went out
for a while.

But he said he'’d be back
in a minute.

So are you serious
about what you said,

about starting
your own practice right now?

Yeah, I mean, what have I got
to lose, right?

I'’ve got experience,

and I'’m clearly executive
management material.

So what do you think?

Can we go to the honesty zone?

- I would love to.
- I'’ve always thought

you'’d be great running your own
practice. You know that.

But you haven'’t had
the most stable job history,

and this is a lot
of responsibility.

Wow, I hadn'’t thought of that.
Thank you.

Oh. Hmm, maybe that'’s because
you'’re too busy

trying to avoid accountability

by making a joke
out of everything?

Does it feel like
the honesty zone'’s

not quite as constructive
as it used to be?

You know, look, I support you
no matter what.

I just want you to be sure
this is the right time.

I think I can really do
something great with this,

and it'’ll only take a few months
to get started,

so in the meantime,
honey,

I could call Donnie
and get my old job back

so we don'’t starve.
- Eww. Donnie, are you sure?

Well, he said I could come back
if I wanted to,

and the hours are flexible,
and the pay'’s not horrible.

Okay, then
that'’s the plan.

- I like you.

Trick or treat!

Mom?

Marilyn,
what'’s the matter?

I'’m fine--nothing.

I'’m--no,
I'’m--I'’m perfectly happy.

I-I don'’t want to bother you.
I'’ll--

- Whoa! Hey, where is Dad?
- Oh, him?

He'’s at home,
and we had a really big fight.

But don'’t worry about me,
because I'’m absolutely fine,

and I'’m just gonna go
to a motel room.

No, maybe you should
stay here tonight.

Or come in for some coffee,

and we'’ll call around
for vacancies

at some--
the nicer--no?

Well, I don'’t really
want to intrude on you, darling.

I just thought I'’d stop by,
and I'’d say hello to you

and just sort of give you
the thumbs up on everything,

you know what I'’m saying?
- It'’s not a big deal

to come on in
and use the phone,

check motel vacancies.

We'’re not taking no
for an answer.

You'’re staying
with us tonight.

That is so sweet of you.

All right, Hartanto,
we can stay!

Come on. Let'’s go,
Sammy Higgins!

-- Sammy--
-- Oh, great, great.

Clare, it'’s--oh, don'’t worry.
We'’ll gather '’em.

Oh, you are such a tiny
little blessing, Hartanto.

Just put it anywhere.
- It'’s--I'’m not Hartanto.

Don'’t worry about it,
just place '’em anywhere.

But be careful
of that glass one.

Don'’t worry, it'’s okay.
- I come back with other ones.

You only brought
the essentials, I see.

Yeah, I know. Honey,
what are you supposed to be?

A French vampire?
- Hey, check it out,

your neighbor'’s giving away
king-size Snickers. Hey.

- Hey, Clare!
- Oh, my goodness.

- I'’m so happy
to see you.

- Anyway, I'’m feeling
a little cooped up.

Is anyone hungry?
My treat.

When was the last time
you washed your hair?

It looks kind of greasy.

I think it'’s
your diabetic retinopathy,

to be honest.

Because it'’s not greasy.

- Oh! Look how succulent
everything looks.

Okay, sweetie,
I'’ll take that.

Yes, the egg salad
is for me.

Lady Clare will have
the Belgian waffle.

And this one right here
will have the cheese sandwich.

And whoo!

Yes, the big guy can have the--

Ooh, the Spanish omelet.

Yeah, I think she knows.
She took the order.

Oh, can I ask you,
do you know

if the cheese on the omelet
has reduced fat?

I don'’t know.

Well, can you please check?

Because you see,
we have high cholesterol

and diabetes in our family.

Sure, can I get you
anything else?

- I'’m a diabetic.
And sometimes diabetics

have very large babies.

My son was ten pounds.

- Oh, My God.
- You know, we'’re great.

Thank you. And I'’m sorry

that you had to hear
her medical history

and mine.

Okay.

Is it just me,

or did she seem like
she was high on marijuana?

Are you gonna tell me what'’s
going on with you and Dad?

Can you please pass
the salt, Myrelle?

- Oh.
- Thank you.

- It'’s Myron.
- Oh, Myron.

Well, actually,
I kind of like Myrelle better.

It reminds me
of Gone with the Wind.

Normally, black movies
don'’t hold my attention,

but I liked that one.

And I like The Jeffersons.

Honey,
how is your omelet?

I haven'’t tasted it yet.

Can I have a little bite?

You know, just a smidge?

Yeah, you can tell me
how it tastes.

- Honey, can I have a bite?
- Go crazy.

Oh, get a big bite.

Mm. Oh, you like it?

You like my omelet?
Should I have gotten ham?

It is so succulent.

So are you gonna tell me
what'’s going on

with you and Dad,
no?

- How is school, Clare?
-It'’s great.

We had a costume
competition today,

and there was a runoff between
Freddy Krueger and a crayon,

and Freddy Krueger won.

It was very cute.
- You know what?

There you go.

Thank you, honey.

That is so nice, dear.

Myron, what do you do
for a living?

I'’m a screenwriter.

No! That is
so interesting.

Yeah, I'’m working on
a horror sci-fi project

that'’s set in the jungles
of Vietnam.

Lieutenant Tom Dawson
gets infected

by Agent Orange-infused malaria,

then mutates
into this violent

but misunderstood creature
driven to insanity

by the horrors
of herbicidal warfare.

That'’s unreal.

My original title
was Mansquito,

but that'’s already
been taken.

Oh, yeah.

So my working title
is PTSD,

which is
Post-Traumatic Stress--

- Disorder.
- Destroyer.

Oh, "Destroyer."
that'’s provocative.

It'’s Platoonmeets,
you know, The Fly.

- Excellent.
- Sounds like

it'’ll really capture

that authentic
Vietnam experience.

But with a sci-fi hook.
Exactly.

Half commando,
half mosquito--

total terror.

Oh, my gosh! That sounds
so exciting to me!

Sounds great. I'’d really like
to read it.

How much do you get paid?

Oh, well, I don'’t get paid
until I sell it,

but I did send a query letter
to William Morrison

just to see if they
want it for Snipes.

- Wesley Snipes?
- Mm.

Oh...wow.

Is that one of your favorite
black actors?

I don'’t want
to talk about it.

- How is everything?

- Oh, it'’s succulent.
Isn'’t it, everyone?

Oh, hey,
do you like movies?

I love them.

Oh, my gosh,

you should tell her
your idea, Myron.

Lieutenant Tom Dawson
gets infected

with Agent Orange-infused
malaria...

Ohhh, come on.

Oh, my God.
Clare, I'’m so sorry.

Bad!

Hello?

Is your mother there?

I'’m not kidding,
you made pack leader angry!

Never mind, I hear my answer

shitting on your floor.
- Okay, what'’s going on?

She said you guys
got in a fight,

but every time
I ask her about it,

she ignores me.
- How should I know?

We'’re handing out candy
one minute,

and the next,
she'’s yelling at me

in that ridiculous pumpkin suit.

All right,
well, what did you do?

Just put her on the phone.
- Mom.

No, I am not gonna
get on the phone with him.

She doesn'’t want to talk.

There'’s a first.

Who is it, Gene?
Is it her?

- No, it'’s your
unemployed grandson.

Okay, what does that
have to do with anything?

I'’m just stating the facts.

Well, we'’re not
all lucky enough

to work at the post office
our whole lives.

It'’s not luck when you earn it.

Okay, well, whatever.

She'’s spending the night here,

so you'’re gonna have to talk
to her tomorrow.

Don'’t bet on it. Aaah!

She just fell, didn'’t she?

Yeah.

I hope I'’m not
putting you out, Myron.

No, I'’ll be fine
on the couch.

Sammy, Sammy,
get out of there.

What are you doing
in my pursey-wursey?

So these guys all have
the same name, huh?

Oh, yeah, no, they'’re part
of my home dog rescue.

Yeah, I have--
I average about 40 a year,

and that'’s why I call everyone
Sammy Higgins.

It'’s easy to remember.

Plus, it helps me keep
a detached professionalism

when they get adopted.

You okay there?
- Right on.

Well, I hope
you feel better.

I'’ll see you
in the morning, I guess.

Wonderful. Good luck

on that
writing seminar tomorrow.

- Thanks.
- '’Kay, bye, Myron.

Marilyn, is this yours?

This was just laying
on the living room floor.

Thank you so much.

It must have slipped out
of my bag.

Yeah, what the hell
is that thing?

It'’s just a lighter.
Relax. Bang!

You know what I do?

I use it
to scare people like you

who sneak up on me.

Wouldn'’t it be safer
to just carry some Mace?

Oh, I tried that once,

but I ended up mistaking it
for Binaca.

- Come here.
- Well, I'’m going to sleep.

- You'’re going? Oh.
- I'’ll see you in the morning.

Please help yourself
to whatever you want.

Call me if you need help
with this turkey. Ah.

Oh, gosh, Noah,
you know what'’s funny?

Yeah, I do.

What'’s funny
is my head is throbbing,

but the fall snapped
my shoulder back into place.

I got to remember to tell
my Pain Pals about that, right?

Yeah, Mom, maybe you
should just go to bed,

'’cause it'’s getting late,
and it'’s been a long day.

You want to play Scrabble?
I brought my dictionary.

Oh, no, but maybe tomorrow.

Oh, oh, okay.

- Okay, good night. Hmm?
- Noah?

Hug me as hard as you can

and show me
how much you love me.

Mmm. Harder.

- I don'’t want to dislodge
that shoulder of yours.

- Oh.

Nice to meet you.

- Noah?
- Yeah.

You forgot to say good night
to Sammy Higgins.

Uh, good night,
Sammy Higginses.

- Look how much he loves you.
- Good night.

I love--

you too.

Oh, my God.

Come on, she'’s only here
for one night.

Oh, I wish they would just
get divorced already

and put us all
out of our misery.

Is my hair really greasy?

No, not really.

Sometimes.

She'’s just so needy
one minute

and then critical
the next.

Why don'’t you
tell her that?

Well, I think it would
hurt her feelings.

Maybe I should pay someone
to do it.

Do you want to make
five bucks?

- Good night, cutie.
- Good night.

Honey?

- What?
- Honey?

What is it?

We'’re supposed to do
the deed tonight.

Oh, does that
start today?

The next fournights.

Oh, cool.

Um, do you think maybe
we should hold off

until we settle
the whole job thing?

And that would be
when exactly?

Well, are you even sure
that you'’re ovulating or--

Yeah, I mean, it'’s what
the calendar says,

tonight, tomorrow.

Okay.

Look, if you'’re not up for it,
you'’re not up for it.

Well, I can get up for it.

It'’s just been a crazy day.

Okay, well,

we'’ll do it tomorrow,
I guess.

Twice.

Yeah, right, as if.

All right, thanks.

Spoony?

Clare Bear, I'’m so tired.

Spoony?

Baby, I'’m just trying
to stretch out, okay?

Pull your head
out of your ass, babe.

I want to be held.
- Oh, okay.

It'’s okay! It'’s okay!
It'’s okay!

- It'’s just me.
-Honey, are you okay?

- I'’m fine.
Go back to sleep, honey.

-Mom?
- Myron, you'’re having a dream.

Go back to sleep.

It'’s all right.
It'’s okay.

Listen, it'’s all right.
Let'’s sit down, okay?

Let'’s save the remodel
for later, okay?

Are you hungry?
Is that why you'’re up?

Do you want me
to make you some toast?

I think your father'’s
having an aff...air.

It'’s okay, Sammy Higgins.

Go on back to bed.

Okay, what are you
talking about?

That'’s what we'’ve been
fighting about.

I confronted him,

and he lied to me,
so I left.

I left,
and now I'’m all alone,

and I'’d give just about anything

to get my hands
on an apple fritter,

but never mind,
I just--

it'’s--I'’m fine.

I'’m perfectly--

Well, hey, sit down.

Are you sure Dad--

Put his thing
in another woman'’s thing,

and it felt good,
and then they did it again,

and then he probably saw
or felt her boobs

in the middle of all that?

- Yeah.
- It'’s pretty clear to me, yes.

All right, come on, Mom.
There'’s no way Dad did that.

Did you actually see him
doing this?

A woman knows.
Trust me.

It'’s like when you
look at a person

and you know they'’re gay--
you can just tell.

Right. Look, I think
we'’re both really tired.

And maybe we should go to bed

and talk about this
tomorrow morning.

I need a place to stay

until I can decide
what to do.

Now, maybe you
might know somebody

who could take me in
for a couple of weeks?

A couple of weeks?

Yeah, well, sure,
to clear my head and--

Well, I know
that there are YWCAs.

Those are nice.

Yeah.

Okay.

Uh-- Okay, okay.
- Oh! Oh!

But listen to me.

I need you to promise me

that you'’re going to be good.

No prying, no chaos,

no insanity,
no circus routine.

You'’re going like this.
I want to see this.

I promise you'’re not even
gonna know I'’m here.

Scout'’s honor.

That'’s not the Scout'’s honor.

That'’s something to do
with Star Trekor Star--

Good night.
- Thank you.

Thank you.
I'’m gonna be so good.

Honey, she wants to stay
for two weeks.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I guess that'’s okay.

I mean, she doesn'’t have
anywhere else to go.

No, that'’s not okay.

How am I gonna screen her calls
if she'’s here with us?

She will bring great unhappiness
to this household.

Mark my words.

Don'’t be such
a drama queen.

It'’s okay.

Let'’s just go
to sleep now.

Honey,
I'’m too wound up now.

I'’m really gonna need a BJ
to calm down.

Nice try.

Good night.

- Oh!
- Oh.

Good morning, Captain.

- What are you doing?
- Guess what.

Breakfast is ready.

Can I just get
some privacy, please?

Uh-oh.

Here comes the grumpy bear.

I'’m 29 years old.
I'’m not playing grumpy bear.

And nothing stops
the grumpy bear but a big--

Rar!--smile.

Oh-- Unhhh!

- - Marilyn sniffing ]

When was the last time
you washed your bedspread?

Okay, out, go, go.

I mean, what are you,
the stink police?

Get that creature out of here.

All right, Sammy Higgins,

let'’s let your grumpy brother
get dressed.

- Come on.
- He'’s not my brother.

He'’s a dog.

And I'’m a human being.

And my sheets don'’t even sm--
Oh, my God.

Max, I need a new

minority
villain sergeant, please.

Is he Hopi Indian?

- Hmm.
- No, too peaceful.

Hmm!

- Morning.
- Morning, camper.

Honey, there'’s some carob chip
pancakes on the stove there.

Thanks. Could you not smoke
in the house, Mom?

How did I ever raise
such a funny son?

You are a crackup
with the jokes, sweetie.

Is he African-American?

- A little stale, Max.

Myron, I thought
your writing seminar was today.

Yeah, it got pushed back.

Is he Puerto Rican?

Excellent, Max,
fresh new take.

- P-U-E-R.
- What is that thing?

Oh, it'’s a--
it'’s a new voice recognition

script writing program
called Max 9000.

He'’s my digital
collaborator.

Watch. Max, I need a name for my
new minority villain sergeant.

- Max 9000.

Try again.

- Victor Escobar.

Perfect.

Wow, writing is easy.

Oh, I know.
You'’re telling me.

Isn'’t it sweet of Myron
to take care of Sammy Higgins?

I think Myron has some
paralyzing social deficiencies.

- So much fun
getting out of the house,

being with my son.

Whoo! Here we go.

- Oh, well.

- Whoa, Mom, what are you--
Pick that up!

I'’m not--oh.
- We'’re not in Tijuana.

- Come on, I'’ve obeyed
the rules all my life,

if I want to throw

a little trash
on the ground occasionally

I think
I'’ve earned the right.

- That makes zero sense.
- Yeah, to you, maybe.

- Just go do your shopping,
and I'’ll come find you after.

- Okay, turkey lips.
- Hey, don'’t call me turkey--

Whoa!

All right, honey bunch.
I love you.

Knock '’em dead!
- Oh!

-Aah! Sorry!

Thanks again for seeing me

on such short notice,
Donnie.

Hey, what are
former bosses for?

So the wife good?

Uh, yes, very good.

Kids?

No, not yet.

Clare'’s pretty eager, though,

so we'’ve been trying.

Boy, do I know
what that'’s like.

The missus wanting
to settle down and nest,

bringing spousal pressure
on the head of the household

to buckle under
and procreate.

Not a fun place to be in

if you'’re not ready
to have kids,

you know what I mean?

Between you and me,

there'’s plenty of things
you can do

to lower your sperm count--
simple things.

Excuse me?

Oh, yeah.

I delayed conception for months.

I took scalding hot baths,
wore tight underwear,

anything to sap those nuts.

Of course, rubbing one out
before sex

is the best way to deplete
viable sperm from your load.

Good to know.
Thank you.

So anyway, I was surprised
to hear from you.

I thought once you became
Mr. Physical Therapy

you'’d be done with
the carpet industry forever.

- After I graduated school,

I worked a few years for--

Carpet Bazaar,
Donnie Booker speaking.

Go ahead, I'’m listening.

Me?

So after college,

I worked for a number
of private practices.

Uh-huh.

And although I gained

a lot of valuable experience,

I found that that environment
just wasn'’t for me.

Uh-huh.

So now I'’m just--

I'’m looking
for solid employment, you know.

Uh-huh, right.

And since you said
I'’d always have a job here,

I thought I'’d take you up
on that offer.

Blue.

Your recent firing
would ordinarily be

an enormous red flag
to anybody with half a brain.

I have two halves,

and I believe in giving people
a second chance

after they'’ve thrown away
the best years of their lives.

And if you think
you'’re ready

to take it to the next level,
mister,

you can fill out some paperwork
and start today.

Oh, I'’m--I'’m ready to take it
to the next level and beyond.

Well, I guess
all I have to say is,

take your shirt off.

I'’m kidding.

Welcome back to the Bazaar.

Thank you.

That was
a really good joke.

Thank you.

Oh!

Thank you, Mr. Donnie.

Mom, Mom, Mom,

what are you doing here?

Oh! I just got a job!

- Where?
- Here.

They needed a sales assistant,
somebody to write up orders,

schedule deliveries,
things like that.

No, no, there'’s no way
they need someone like that.

No, I got done shopping.

So I came inside
because it was so hot outside.

Oh, remind me
to ask them

when they cleaned those
air conditioning filters last,

because you know what?

You can get
the Legionnaires'’ disease.

Mom, Mom, focus.

Okay, what happened was,
I got talking to Donnie,

and he thought I would be
perfect for the job.

And I could use the money,
and I thought, "Why not?"

I mean, can you believe?

I mean,
I haven'’t had a job

since I worked
at the House of Peanuts

before you were born, and now
we'’re gonna be coworkers.

Oh! Hug me.

Oh! Oh...

- Okay.

You know what, Darlene,
that'’s your department.

Take care of it.

Good morning.

Welcome to Carpet Bazaar
orientation.

All right, cut the crap.

We'’re gonna be watching
a safety video,

and then we'’ll move on
to a tour of the facility.

Excuse me, Donnie,

do we have to watch
the video?

I mean,
I'’ve already seen it.

- What color is my lamp?
- Your lamp?

- What color is my lamp?
- Gold?

That'’s right.
It'’s gold. I'’m the owner.

That means I make
all executive level decisions.

What color is your lamp?
- His is silver.

- That'’s right. It'’s silver.
Good initiative, Marilyn.

Thank you.

Silver means
assistant manager,

which means
assistant level decisions.

Yours is bronze.
No decisions.

Put your hand down.

The following
safety video

contains information that may
one day save your lives.

I suggest taking notes.

He seems
very knowledgeable.

"It only takes a second."

- But watching it
feels like a lifetime.

Oh, my God.

What is the message of that?

Don'’t drive
a wood-paneled station wagon

in a winter blizzard?

Hey, you guys, I'’m in here!

Hey!

Help! No!

My heart goes out.

- To the actors in--
- But--Just--

I'’ll sell you
the whole seat,

but you'’ll only need
the edge for this video.

- Shh! Donnie could come back.

He may quiz us.

I want to be
the person who knows

what my job is
and requirements.

We also have
some new product lines

you'’ll have to familiarize
yourself with immediately.

That should be
a rewarding challenge.

Okay, pop quiz.

How many square yards are there
in a 12x18 piece of carpet?

- 1,000?
- 24.

Looks like somebody already
forgot his conversions, okay?

Don'’t let me down again.

Hi, honey. Hi, Donnie.

Incidentally, I presume you
can maintain a professional

working relationship
with your mother?

Yeah, about that.
I'’m a little concerned

that she lacks
any qualifications whatsoever.

No, I'’m an incredible judge
of potential.

She'’ll be fine.

Well, she'’s not worked
since the Peanut--

Shh.
This is learning time.

Take this opportunity
to learn.

Okay, what'’s the most important
thing about sales?

Uh, I'’m pretty sure
it'’s friendliness?

No, the up-sell.

Come on, shake
the cobwebs out, man.

Okay, quick
refresher course.

See that lady over there?
- Mm-hmm.

- I'’m gonna up-sell her,

and you'’re gonna watch me,
understand?

I think I'’m starting to.

Yeah, she'’s looking
at the Berber,

but she'’s leaving
with multiframe Wilton.

Watch and learn, Cochise.

Ah, I see you'’re looking
at the Berber.

- Yes.
- Very nice.

If you want
to go class A,

you want to look
at this one down here.

This is
a multiframe Wilton.

Check it out.

Mm-hmm, this feels nice.

Yes, that'’s probably
the best carpet we have.

I'’m gonna try not to be involved
with this.

Right down at the bottom,
can you see it?

You might have to bend
a little bit.

There, right there.

Is he Samoan?

Hello.

Whoo, home again,
home again, jiggity jig.

I don'’t know about you,

but this working stiff
could sure use a cold one.

Make mine a double.

Mm, sperm are dwindling.

Okay.

- Oh! Occupied.

It'’s me. Your mom needs
some Tums. She ran out.

Taking a shower,
a very mild

and soothing shower.

You'’re not playing soapy worm,
are you?

Yep, you caught me.

I'’ll be out in a minute.

Oh, oh.

Oh, it is just so much fun
to be part of a team.

Oh, and you know what, Clare?

We get a 10%
employee discount

on every 2,500 square feet
of carpet that we purchase.

It'’s true.

And they have a big picnic
every June.

And they have

a competitive
softball team, Myron.

It sounds like you'’re really
enjoying yourself.

Oh, you would have been
so proud of Noah

out there in the field today,

even though he didn'’t talk
to me very much.

I figure he
must have been working

on his award-winning
customer service

and not intentionally
ignoring his mom...

Yeah, I was really
proud of me too,

'’cause there was a moment--
I'’m gonna be honest--

that I felt
kind of overqualified

and yet useless
at the same time,

and then I saw
the gigantic piece of carpet,

and I realized the genie
had been bottled up

in here the whole time.

I think I'’m wiser for it.

I had a nice breakthrough
on the script today.

Did you?

In the middle of a village raid,
searching for mercenary VC,

Lieutenant Tom Dawson starts to
grow a syringe-like proboscis.

- Oh!
- Excuse me.

- It'’s like a weird nose.

Well, I guess his attention span
isn'’t what it used to be.

He just has a lot on his--

Oh! Oh, my God,
I'’ve got to get ready

for my Pain Pal meeting.

They'’re gonna be here
any second.

Clare, dinner?
Yummy.

Did you make any dessert?

In the fridge.

Right on.

So anyway, I'’ve been
eating a lot of chocolate,

which I know hasn'’t helped
my blood sugar level.

And the chewing has caused
my TMJ to flare up.

Can you hear it?
Listen, girls.

It'’s worse than ever.

Poor Marilyn.

- I did exactly
the same thing.

Oh, honey.

Everybody,
you know my son, Noah.

Hi, Noah.

- Hi, there.
- Dear, do you think you could

take a look
at Barbara'’s foot?

Her GP says
she has fallen arches,

but she feels like she needs
a second opinion.

Yeah, she should really see
a podiatrist about that.

Just a little peek, Noah.

It'’s been so difficult getting
around on the bus lately.

I'’d really appreciate it.

Well, since you'’re riding
mass transit,

I guess I'’ll look.

Oh, thank you, sweetie.

Oh, dear,

look at that, honey.

- Get right--
oh, right in--

Yeah--oh, that--
oh, that'’s the spot.

We were so sorry
to hear about you

losing your job
like that.

But don'’t worry
about it, honey.

I'’m sure you'’re gonna
land on your feet.

- Didja hear that, Myron?

Could I see you outside, please?

Excuse me, girls.

What are you gonna do,
Marilyn,

hide out here forever?

- I'’m an independent
woman now.

I'’ve got a job!

She serious?

Yeah, with me.

Good! Now you
can pay me back

for that refugee kid
you send money to every month.

It'’s a scam, you know.

- Don'’t you dare talk about
Joaquin that way!

Joaquin?
Last year it was Ernesto.

- Aw, jeez.
- What are you looking at?

- Okay, will you calm down,
please, would you?

You'’re upsetting the Pain Pals,
and they'’re very litigious.

I don'’t want to calm down.

I want my wife to live
where she'’s supposed to.

That is a dream we all share,
but obviously she'’s mad at you.

- She said you--
- I know what she said.

Well--Well, did you?

Do you think any other woman
besides your mother

wants my salty prune bag?

You want to see it?

I'’ll prove to you
how disgusting I am.

I'’ll take
a rain check, okay?

Is that my extension cord?

- No, it'’s mine.
- You sure?

Yeah, believe it or not,
I own an extension cord.

Yeah, but mine has
the little green--

All right,
would you focus?

On what?

On how she gets to make
wild accusations?

She has too much time
on her hands.

She does nothing but invent
problems for herself.

She reads too many
spy novels.

- It'’s better than watching
Strategic Air Command

all the time!

Mom, just stay
out of it, okay?

Listen, if we'’re gonna
get her to move home,

you'’ve got to start
talking to her like an adult.

You know what?

I think I'’m through talking
for a while.

You take over.
See you around.

Okay, hey, hey, Dad.

Don'’t be stupid.
- Bye-bye!

She knows where to find me.

You people,
you'’re out of your minds.

It'’s all in your head.
You hear me?

That'’s the spirit.

Way to find a common ground.

How'’s it going?

None of these banks
want to loan me anything

'’cause of my credit.

What about asking your dad?

I mean, maybe he could

co-sign for you
or something.

Yeah, my guess is that
he would side with the banks.

Do you think
he'’s really cheating on her?

Uh...

No, I think my mom just needs
chaos in her life to function.

I don'’t even know what I'’d do

if I found out you were doing
something like that

behind my back.

In the bedroom,
they come all the way off.

Um...

could I get two minutes
to brush my teeth?

Whoa!

Okay, give me a winner.

Too thin.

Ooh, too big.

Oh, jeez.
Oh, yeah.

This is so wrong.

Okay, let'’s go quick.

What'’s wrong?

- Hmm?
- What'’s wrong?

- Nothing.
I'’m fine.

Ow!
- Honey, you'’re pulling my hair.

- I'’m sorry.

Guys?

Is there an extra pillow
in there?

Mine'’s really uncomfortable.

Yeah?

As uncomfortable
as a motel room?

Right on.

- What?!

Noah?

Are you asleep in there?

- Yes, I am asleep.
- Okay, good,

'’cause I don'’t want
to bother you if you'’re asleep.

I mean, if you'’re asleep,

I really don'’t think
we should talk.

- Mom?
- What?

- Spit it out.
- Did you set your alarm

for work tomorrow?

- Yes.
- Good, okay.

Well, I was just checking,

because I don'’t have
a clock in my room,

and I'’m so excited about work,
I can'’t sleep,

and I took the wrong medication,
so I'’m a little keyed up.

Okay, I need you to go
back into your room

and not come out
for the rest of the night.

Can you do that for me?

Oh, sure,
natch, no problem.

And--and don'’t you worry
about a thing.

I didn'’t hear you doing it.

I just don'’t understand

how you can let a few minor
distractions ruin everything.

See if you can tell me
what word doesn'’t belong here.

Son, Mom, boner.

Whatever.
Look, the fertility wizard says

that for the next two nights,
I'’m at the peak of my cycle,

so we have to do something
both nights, okay?

It sounds so romantic.

I have to be up early.

- Spoony?
- Grow up.

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, stop, stop.

- What'’s up?
- What the hell are you doing?

Oh, I'’m going
to the supermarket,

and I thought that I could get
some soy milk for me, and--

Okay, it'’s00
in the morning.

Okay, all right,
you know.

I'’m going to
your father'’s house.

You'’re gonna spy on him?

No, I'’m not gonna
spy on him.

I'’m just going
to discreetly monitor

some of his activities,
that'’s all.

See, this is
what I'’m talking about.

You'’re always
stirring things up.

Just get out of the car,
Lansbury.

You know what?

You can ignore what'’s going on
if you want to,

but I need to do this.

So you can either
come with me, or--

You rolled the window up.
Is this not obvious to you?

What is it, dear?

Why don'’t you get
in the trunk,

and let'’s have
this conversation?

Say that again.

- I mean, what are you doing?
- Get in.

See?
There'’s nothing going on.

We'’ve only been here
for five minutes.

Be patient.

You know, you could get
a better look from inside.

Maybe you should
move back in

and call me
with a full report.

I mean, do you really think
Dad'’s got broads inside

with Grandma Helen home?

Well, let me
tell you something.

Helen is no fan of mine.

Maybe she'’s covering for him,

and maybe she'’s being paid
for her silence.

I really don'’t know.

Pay--who'’s paying her?

0134, nothing to report.

Do you want
some Corn Nuts?

- No, thank you.
- I got plenty.

- Thanks anyway.
- They'’re high in fiber.

- I'’d love some.
- Great.

You know what I'’ve got?

I'’ve got Ranch, Jalapeño,
and Barbecue.

Just surprise me.

Okay, one Ranch
coming up.

- Oh, what is it?

- Oh, my--

Oh, wait a minute.

Oh, wait a minute.

Dad'’s got a sex slave
in a little wheelchair inside.

It'’s just Satan.

Your father
would never admit it,

but she runs his life.

Well, sometimes
it'’s easier

to take the path
of least resistance.

Trust me on that one.

0135, mother-in-law
confirmed inside residence.

- What are you laughing at?

There'’s some really impressive
lingo there, Condor.

You know, you--you want
to make fun of me.

Yeah.

But I'’ve read a lot
about how the CIA operates,

and I know
how they do business

at the highest level
of government.

In fact, if I got into
a situation at the Pentagon--

Do you hear
what you'’re saying?

The Pentagon?

Yes, I'’m certain,

based on everything
I'’ve read,

that I could find my way around
and get myself out of a jam.

I'’d need a Glock,
though.

You know,
I am so happy

that I was recruited
for this mission.

I think the top-level brass
is gonna be really impressed

with our results.

You think
that I enjoy this?

Is that what you
really think,

that I like spying
on my husband?

I'’ve known Gene
since I was 16 years old.

He is my whole entire life,
and if--

And if I s--

stop-- Never mind.

You know what?
Let'’s just go.

Surveillance ended, 0136.

Rise and shine,
twinkle toes.

Today is the first day
of the rest of your life.

Oh! Whoa.

Ohh!

- I don'’t remember
this being here.

Bye-bye, Sammy Higgins.

Bye, bye, bye,
bye, bye, bye.

Bye, Myron.
- Bye.

This also comes
in a red oak.

Whoo!

Excuse me, sir.

Oh, wait.

Ooh, ooh!

Isn'’t this fun?

Okay, okay, okay.

Now, I'’m using coffee,
but you could use motor oil.

Mom, hit it.

Come on down here,
get a look at this.

See that the stains
are disappearing like--

- Oh!
- Mom, Mom, Mom!

This one.
This one matches.

Fine, fine.

Hey, guys.

What are you doing here?

I thought I'’d stop by
and say hi.

There are times when you'’re given certain responsibilities.

You can'’t ignore them.

Well, don'’t you have any
responsibilities to hope--

- Is your mother

still being your mother?

She'’s trying to figure
some things out, I guess.

Ha!

Would you like me to get you
a glass of water, Grandma?

- What are you watching?
- Strategic Air Command.

- All right,
you don'’t have to tell me.

- Honey, I just did
tell you.

Why are you
fast-forwarding?

I skip all the scenes
with June Allyson.

She does nothing
but bitch.

That'’s June Allyson
for you.

So look, there was another
reason I stopped by, Dad.

Really, what'’s that?

Well, I'’ve decided
to take a crack

at running my own
physical therapy practice.

- Uh-huh.
- And I was wondering,

since the bank'’s not really
in a position

to loan me
anything right now,

if you'’d like to invest
some startup money

or co-sign
for a small business loan.

We could be like partners.

What do you say,
partner?

There are lots of things
I would do for you, son,

but investing money in you
isn'’t one of them.

I'’ve already got
a lifelong credit liability

with your mother.

I'’m not ready
to take on her protegé.

Being an Air Force wife--

Maybe Grandma
could loan me some--

Oh, that'’s right.

That'’s where you get
your famous generosity from.

I make practical decisions,
not popular ones.

Someday, when you have a son,
you'’ll understand why.

Thank you for the pearl.

Okay, so Max,
how would Escobar

capture Lieutenant Dawson
in the Mekong Delta?

Heavily armed choppers.

- Ohh.
- That'’s been done.

Yeah, sounds tired to me.

Giant pest strip.

That'’s unrealistic.

Okay, well, wait a minute.
So what if--

How about if Escobar orders
a napalm strike diversion?

And then what if shadow ops
ambushed Dawson,

okay, while he'’s hatching eggs
in the rice paddy?

- Breakthrough, breakthrough.
- All right!

- We got it.
- Pass the astronaut ice cream.

All right.

See you in a few, okay?
- Okay. Good luck.

Sorry, honey. Shh.
- Good luck.

Hi.

Oh.

- Mm! Mm.
- Mmm...

- Honey.
- Mm-hmm?

What'’s wrong?

I talked to my dad,
and he'’s not gonna help me.

Well, that'’s
pretty bad news, then.

Yeah, it'’s just bad timing.

I get it.

If my wife wanted
to make a baby, and I didn'’t,

I'’d be pretty uninterested
in sex too.

What?!

That is ridiculous.

Well, news to me,

because every time we try
and do something lately,

you have an excuse.

Oh, like getting fired,

watching my parents'’
marriage collapse,

or realizing I'’m gonna work
at a themed carpet store

for the rest of my life,
those kind of excuses?

Well, you know what?
I'’m feeling it.

Let'’s do this, huh?

I'’m gonna
go to town on you.

I know you.

I know when you
don'’t want to do something.

I have been very supportive
throughout all of this.

Oh, you'’ve been
so supportive.

Noah, the only pregnancy
question you'’ve asked me

in, like, six months is,
how big are my boobs gonna get?

Yeah, because I'’m worried
about your back.

I don'’t want you
to strain it.

I'’m sorry
if I care about you.

You are a piece of work.

- God damn it!

Oh, oh, oh, Mom!
Mom, get out of the car.

What are you doing? Your
father'’s at the bowling alley.

I'’m supposed to be
in that parking lot.

Let go of me.

What do you--
this is outrageous!

- Okay, listen.
- I am your mother!

I'’m not some sort
of a rag doll.

You think you
can push me around?

I have rights!
- Get in your bedroom.

She'’s going to her
Pain Pals meeting!

Okay, listen to me.

My house, my rules.

Rule number one,
stop stealing my car.

What are you so afraid of,
that I'’m right?

Listen to me
and listen well, Houdini,

because this is
my last warning to you.

You even think about
leaving this house tonight,

and I am driving you straight
to a homeless shelter.

Oh, yeah, I scare'’.

You know, I wish just once,

you could see yourself
the way I do.

Um, I was thinking about
what happened last night,

and I--and if I upset you,

I just want to apologize
for my actions.

You'’re supposed to say
you accept.

Fine, I accept.

Good!

Now, let'’s go sell
some carpet, huh?

All right.

Yeah, no, no, no.

I know, sir.
I know what you'’re saying.

And I want to
do that, okay.

Just, um--
where did you go?

- Hey, ace, where'’s your vest?
- Your wife'’s hamper?

- Excuse me?
- The drycleaner.

Oh, well, if I catch you
without it again,

it'’s a write-up, you understand?
- Okay.

Now, what'’s going on
with the Brisbane order?

I don'’t know;
my mom'’s handling it.

What'’d I do with the--
where'’s your paper?

I'’m next.

Oh, God.

I really thought
she'’d catch on quicker.

She'’s a slow starter,
Donnie. She'’s 60.

She'’s fired,
that'’s what she is.

What? She hasn'’t even
worked here a full week.

She'’s the worst Caucasian
employee we'’ve ever had,

and she'’s costing
me money, okay?

So I'’m canning her ass.

She'’s the only one in here
wearing a vest.

You'’re gonna fire your
one employee wearing the vest?

What am I running,
a telethon here?

The quick ones make it,
and the the slow ones don'’t.

Darwin said that,
and I'’m sticking to it.

Hi, there.

Look, Donnie, she loves this--
excuse me.

Look, okay,
it'’s all she'’s got.

Believe me when I tell you,
if you fire her,

it'’s gonna destroy her.

You can'’t do it.

Actually, you'’re
her direct supervisor.

This falls
under your domain.

That'’s a joke?
That'’s a sick joke?

No, I don'’t joke

about terminating
someone'’s livelihood.

That I take
very seriously.

Okay, you know
what I'’m serious about?

Not firing my mom.
I'’m not gonna do that.

Look, maybe I'’m not
making myself clear.

Either you do this for me,
or you'’re gone.

Now, you need
this job, right?

Do me proud.

This is
the Carpet Bazaar.

- Hey.
- Hi, honey.

Donnie said you wanted
to talk to me?

Yeah, you want to
have a seat?

You know, I was just reading
the employees'’ manual.

It said that we get
a week'’s vacation

and five sick days
after 12 months of service.

Huh.

I'’ve never even
had benefits before.

Um, yeah.

So, Mom,
I was talking to Donnie,

and he said he'’s been watching
you work over the last few days,

and he thinks your skills
might be put to better use

in another area.

Already?

You mean like greeter?

Well, maybe.

I think you'’d be
a great greeter.

But I don'’t think that'’s
what he was talking about.

No?

Oh, no, no,
he doesn'’t really think

I'’m ready for team leader yet,
does he?

No, I think he feels
it'’d be best

if you worked at home
from now on.

I don'’t understand
how I'’m gonna do that

when all the carpet
and the customers are here.

I don'’t think he means working
with the carpet

and customers anymore.

Well, I don'’t understand.
What would I be doing?

I mean--
- You'’d be--

Oh, I know, I would be
the telemarketer.

You'’d be fired, Mom.

You'’d be fired.

Okay, I'’d be fired.

I'’m sorry.

I-I tried to--
I told him how much--

Right.
Well, anyway.

I-I guess I won'’t be needing
this anymore, huh?

Here.

I-I am fine, sweetie.

It'’s--I'’m perfectly fine.

It'’s not like it'’s the end
of the whole wide, you know,

world or anything.

I mean, obviously,

someday you and I are gonna
look back on this,

and we'’re just gonna laugh,
right?

We'’re just gonna laugh, right?

How'’d it go?

Pop quiz:
How many square feet in this?

You'’re fired.
You hear me?

The third time will not be
the charm for you.

Ha! Laugh'’s on you,
Cooper.

That'’s stain-resistant.

Mom, Mom, wait a minute.

- Bus!
- Mom, wait!

Mom.

Mom.

Gonna need
your keys back, chappy.

- I'’m talking to you, ace.
Oh, yeah?!

Hey.

So what are you in for?

Uh, I beat my boss senseless
with a foam scepter.

I'’d prefer
you sat over there.

Sure.

You know how much carpet
I had to buy

to talk him
out of pressing charges?

350 feet.

You have any idea
how much carpet that is?

467 square yards.

That'’s on top of bail.
- If you worked harder

on your marriage, maybe you
wouldn'’t have to be

so involved in my life.

How'’s that his responsibility?

He'’s not the one who left.

- You don'’t know
what you'’re talking about.

No one knows how hard
I'’ve worked on this marriage.

Well, then why am I
in the middle mediating it?

In case
you hadn'’t noticed,

I'’m the one who'’s been trying
to sit down and talk.

How could he? He'’s too busy
landing himself in jail.

Okay, don'’t you have
some kind of a baking magazine

or some knitting
to do back there?

Look, I know
what you'’re going through.

But she'’s gotta come home.
You picked her, not me.

Noah, your mom and I have been
at this for a long time.

For a lot of years,

I used to worry
she was gonna walk out on me,

not because I was afraid
to be alone,

but because I was afraid
I'’d find out I liked it.

And guess what--
I like living alone.

There'’s no complaining,
no fights,

no dogs.

I can just be me.

Don'’t get me wrong.
I love your mother.

She was the sweetheart
of my youth.

I'’ll always love her.

I'’m just not sure
what'’s supposed to happen

if I don'’t like her anymore.

Hi, there.

Myron, where'’d my mom go?

Monkey sidekick.

She told me
not to tell you.

Okay, where'’d she go?

Ah!
Downtowner Inn.

Come here often?

Excuse me, I'’m not allowed
to talk to strangers.

I'’m sorry.

- Yeah, well.
- I'’m really sorry.

It wasn'’t my choice.

I just thought
maybe it'’d be easier

if it was coming
from me.

All I have to say is,

you have a real
delicate touch, okay?

I really mean it.

If it makes you feel
any better,

I got fired too.

You did?

Good.

Tony, darling,
two dirties, pronto-rooni.

We'’re good, Tony.

Listen,
let'’s grab your things

and--and just go home,
all right?

Was I a good mom?

Of course
you were a good mom.

Let'’s just go,
all right?

Yeah, sure, let'’s just go.

Let'’s just run away

and forget how little Marilyn
has accomplished with her life.

Come on,
you'’ve accomplished a lot.

Yeah, like what?

What have I accomplished
besides having you, huh?

All kinds of--you know.

Right.

Nothing.

Not true.

Dutiful wife,

housecleaner,

zero!

You did a lot of things.

You were very active and--

You saved my rat Herman.

Remember?

The one with the skin disease?

Yeah, you could'’ve
put him to sleep,

but instead
you scrubbed him every day

with that medicated shampoo.

You saved his life.
That'’s, like,

my greatest
childhood memory, Mom.

What?

His skin kept getting worse,

and he started
having brain seizures,

so one night
when you were asleep,

I put him in a coffee can,

stuck holes in the lid,

and stuck him
in the washing machine.

The next day,
I bought another rat

and put it in Herman'’s cage.

You drowned Herman?

I don'’t know what to say.
It was suffering.

Your dad was away
for the weekend.

I didn'’t know
what to do.

Well, that'’s the worst thing
I'’ve ever heard.

Who pokes a hole in a coffee can
and drowns a rat?

That was your best idea?

Didn'’t you have a friend
you could have called?

Well, guess what.

P.S., I did the best
that I could with my life.

Is there anything else
I need to know about,

any other lies?

You wet your bed
until you were six.

The noise you heard
in the closet at night

really was a ghost.

And they held you back two times

in first grade.

I'’m 31?

Thirty-two.

Oh, my God.

Thank you.
Thank you.

- Thank you.
- Thank you, Verlon.

That was as lovely as
it was haunt-ing.

Next up, please put your hands
together for Marilyn Cooper.

- Marilyn?
- Just go.

- Hold that thought.
- Sing your song.

- Okay, dear.
- I'’ll be over here aging.

- Oh, thank you.

You owe me three birthdays.

I'’d like to bring the room down
for a minute

and dedicate this next song
to my very special son Noah.

He fired me from the best job
I ever had,

but I never accomplished
much in my life,

so it really doesn'’t matter

if my husband
fucked another woman

and I murdered a rat.

Hit it, Lou.

Okay, hold it.

Take me home.

I'’ve put up with him
for 36 years.

Okay, just relax,
would you?

Oh, no, no, no, Sammy Higgins,
don'’t eat that.

- We'’re almost there.
- Oh, my God.

Oh, no, no,
this is not my room.

My room is by
the ice machine.

- Oh, thank you, dear.
- Just get in bed.

Can you put my nightgown on me?

- No.
- Why not?

Are you afraid
of seeing your mom naked?

Yeah, that'’s exactly
what I'’m afraid of.

Yeah, well, I got news
for you, mister.

I still have
a pretty good body,

even though I haven'’t
had sex in five years.

- Eww.
- Five.

Oh...sex.

Can I get you anything?

Yeah.

Can you take me back to 1968
so I can start all over again?

No, not this second.

Oh, that'’s too bad.

I'’d like to start
all over again.

- Okay.
- Good night.

What are these?

Oh, I'’ve been trying
some new briefs out.

Trying to get
a little more support.

These are, like, four sizes
too small for you.

Oh, well, that explains a lot.

I must have misread the label.
I'’ll return '’em tomorrow.

You'’re trying
to sabotage your sperm count,

aren'’t you?
- What?

That'’s why
it'’s taking so long.

No, it'’s taking so long

because our schedules
don'’t match up.

You have some serious problems,
you know that?

Okay, you'’re throwing
underwear at me.

I think maybe we need to go
to the honesty zone.

Screw the honesty zone.
I hate the honesty zone.

Okay, don'’t dismiss the honesty
zone like that. Not cool.

- What are you gonna
do about it?

You don'’t want to find out.

You know,
maybe this whole

"I'’ve got so much
on my plate" routine

has nothing to do
with your job or your mom.

Maybe it has something
to do with me.

It has nothing
to do with you, all right?

That'’s ridiculous.

Please, I need you
to be honest with me right now

and tell me if it'’s me
you'’re unhappy with.

I'’m not unhappy with you.

Anything else?

Have you been trying to keep me
from getting pregnant?

No.
Yes, I have.

- What?!
- But only a couple times.

Oh, my God,
how could you do that?

What are you getting
so upset with me?

I'’m being honest with you.
- Now you try and be honest?

My life'’s coming apart
at the seams

and all you want to do
is get on me

and grind out
like a mechanical bull.

Well, all you have to do is
tell me if you wanted to wait.

Oh, yeah, I'’m sure
that would have fit in neatly

with your species
propagation agenda.

My agenda?
We both agreed to this.

Well, I didn'’t agree
to my wife

becoming a single-minded
fertility robot.

Need more sperm.

I don'’t need
more sperm, okay?

Look, I need you to stop
putting all of this on me.

It'’s not fair.
- I'’m not putting it on you.

It is clearly
the baby'’s fault.

I need you to stop
making excuses.

Fine, what else?

- I need you to--
- Done.

- I didn'’t finish.
- Well, I agree.

You talk, and I agree.
That'’s the deal, right?

You'’re being stupid
and immature.

I agree again.
We'’re in total agreement.

Look how well
we'’re communicating.

Out! Get out.

You'’re not sleeping
in here tonight.

Well, I got bad news
for you.

I ain'’t leaving this room.

Ha! Real mature.

Sweetie, my blanket'’s
caught in the door.

Rough night
with the old lady?

Why are you here?

Clare said I could stay here for
the writing seminar, remember?

Yeah, that was supposed to be
last Tuesday.

Yeah, it got pushed back, so...

To when?
That was three days ago.

I'’ve had two jobs since then.

I mean, what have you
been doing?

You just sit on the couch
in your sofa fantasy land

being my mother'’s
little monkey sidekick?

Monkey sidekick.

There is no writing seminar,
is there?

What?

I'’m sorry, can you say that
into my good ear?

I can'’t hear you.

Uh...

I might have made
the seminar up.

You--

My parents kicked me
out of their house.

So I'’ve got no money,
and I'’ve got no place to go.

That'’s outstanding.

When exactly
were you planning on leaving?

Well, I don'’t know.
I'’m still working on that.

You'’re working on it?

You know what you remind me of?

You remind me of that bad movie

that'’s on cable
at00 in the morning.

It'’s on because something
has to fill the void.

That'’s what'’s your life
is like to me: filler and void.

This week on Filler and Void,

Detective Myron Stubbs
finds an unproduced screenplay

in his diaper.

Oh, I'’m sorry,
did I dishonor

Vietnam Mosquito Soldier?

You know what I'’d like to see?

I'’d like to see
Lieutenant Tom Dawson

fragged by his own platoon.

You think that'’s a good idea,

or should I ask
your little friend?

Max, what do you think
of my great new idea?

I smell an Oscar.

Thank you, Max.
You know what?

Why don'’t you do us all a favor

and write something that
actually benefits mankind, okay?

But do us an even bigger favor

and don'’t write it
in our living room.

Well...

I know I'’m not the greatest
writer in the world.

I'’m sure there'’s
a lot of people

who think the stuff I do
isn'’t very good.

But I enjoy doing it.
It keeps me going.

And believe me, underneath
this confident exterior

is a guy with just as many
doubts and insecurities as you,

except you have
a beautiful wife

and a mom who loves you, and...

I just have me.

Sorry if the stuff I do

doesn'’t interest you
very much,

but I can'’t really change
what makes me happy.

Anyway, this blanket'’s extra,

so I'’ll just go
blow up the aero bed

so you can have the couch.

Where are you going?

To search for Yeti.

Can we please talk like adults?

You bet.
Call me when you find one.

Your mom stole my car.

I mean, listen to yourself.

You'’re acting like I'’m hiding

all these deep, dark secrets
or something.

You are!
You'’re wearing toddler briefs,

and you'’re sabotaging jobs
to avoid having kids.

That--that'’s not true.
- Yes, it is true.

I haven'’t even had
enough time

to sabotage my job
at the carpet store.

How do you explain
that one, huh?

You got fired
from the carpet store?

- I didn'’t tell you that?
- Arggh!

What? Sweetie...Bear.

Don'’t "Sweetie Bear" me!

Wait! Hon--honey, I was in jail.

I didn'’t have time to tell you.

Ohh!

- Where are you going?
- Holly'’s!

Feel free not to call!

Call you where,
Holly'’s or Molly'’s?

Holly'’s!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my-- M-Mom?

Mom.

Nice shot, Mom.

Now you'’re working
on a turkey.

Excuse me.

I want to know who she is.

Was it Phyllis?

Ah, what are you doing?
We'’re bowling here.

Is it Susan?

That'’s who it is,
isn'’t it?

Okay, let'’s go home.

No, I am not leaving here

until you give me an answer.

I got an answer
for ya.

Crazy, ungrateful bitch.

You want to hear
what the question is?

You'’re pathetic, Gene.

It'’s all in your head,
Marilyn.

You'’re an out of control
dope fiend.

Stay out of it, Grandma.

I tried very hard
to give you

everything you wanted.

You think that it was money
that I wanted.

You think
that it was furniture.

You think
I wanted clothes.

But that'’s
not what I wanted.

I wanted more.

You hear that,
everyone?

She wanted more than that.

And he put up with your moods
and your complaining

and your dogs.

I wanted more of you!

Maybe we can find a better time
to discuss this, yeah?

If he can look me
straight in the eye

and tell me the truth,
I will leave your house,

and you'’ll never see me
or my dogs ever again.

Dad?

What?

Does Gene have to account
for himself yet again?

I'’m a respected man.

I served my country.

I did what was
asked of me.

Did you or did you not
have an affair?

No, I didn'’t have an affair.

It was a one-night stand.

Twice.

I defended you.

Yeah, well,
no one asked you to.

I screwed up, okay?
I'’m sorry.

But how would you like to spend

the last few good years
of your life

with someone
who'’s always unhappy,

who does nothing
but live in the past,

who can only complain about
all the rotten things

that happened to her,
even though, really,

nothing bad ever happened to you

except you expected so much?

You think I wanted a wife
like June Allyson

from Strategic Air Command?

Well, guess what!

You won'’t have to put up with

June Allyson anymore.

I'’ll live
in his house

for the rest
of my goddamn life

if I have to,

but I am through
with this marriage!

I need to talk to you,
Marilyn.

She'’s not feeling
very chatty today, Dad.

Yeah, you know, Gene,

now'’s probably not a good time.

Come on,
that'’s my jacket.

Though we don'’t
always understand

why we'’re taken so soon
from this life, dear Lord,

much less why we'’ve been
placed here to begin with,

we ask that you bless
this service

and this family.

- And everybody said, "Amen."
- Amen.

I'’ve been asked
by the deceased'’s son

to open up the floor

so that anyone may share

their thoughts about Helen.

Anyone at all.

Anyone?

Uh, hello, everyone.

Um...

What can I say about
my Grandma Helen?

Well, for one, I remember how
she was my grandma.

Also, she was a-a good pers--
dresser.

She was a good dresser,

and she owned
some very nice jumpsuits,

and I'’ll miss her very much.

Thank you.

Thank you, son.

Anyone else?

Well, if there'’s no one else
who would like to say anything,

then I'’ll just continue
with the service--

I'’d like to say
something, please.

Oh, terrific.

For those of you
who don'’t know me,

I am Gene'’s wife, Marilyn.

Well, I am right now,
but not for very long,

but that isn'’t
what I wanted to talk about.

In all the years
that I knew Helen Cooper,

she wasn'’t
very nice to me.

She didn'’t think
I was very smart,

and she said
I talked too much.

Now, I know that
that is a terrible thing to say

at someone'’s funeral, but

I spent a lot
of time and effort

trying to make her like me,
and for what?

So she could make me feel bad
and stick her nose up at me?

Well, I don'’t wanna be
just tolerated anymore,

so I'’ve decided that I'’d rather
spend the rest of my life alone

instead of being
surrounded by strangers

who pretended
they were my family.

I guess that'’s
a little off-topic,

but anyway,
I would like to say

that Helen had
a lovely singing voice,

and she was a very good cook.

Her holiday fudge
was second to none.

Thank you.

Well, that was, uh...
from the heart.

Uh, there'’s anyone else who'’d
like to speak at this time...

Yeah, I'’d like to add something.

Okay.

I forgot to add that Helen
was born in northern Florida

to migrant walnut farmers.

Also, if a certain somebody

isn'’t happy with
her living situation

or how she'’s apparently
being mistreated

and ignored by her family,

said person can move out
any time she sees fit.

Helen'’s middle name
was Esther.

Thank you.

Well, if that--

Yeah, well now, all right.

- That'’s enough.
- Sit down, Gene.

I would like to correct
the previous speaker,

who said that Helen was born
to walnut farmers.

The truth is, Helen was born
to cashew farmers.

- The previous speaker

can get a lot
of his facts wrong.

He can also be very
self-absorbed and immature.

Just ask his wife.

She'’ll tell you
the same thing.

Helen'’s favorite color
was yellow.

Thank you.

Actually it was
walnut farmers.

They can'’t even grow cashews
in northern Florida

because of the freezing winter
temperatures.

A second-grader
could tell you that.

A second-grader
could also tell you

that you shouldn'’t treat
your 29-year-old son...

32.

...like a child

and criticize him
for having greasy hair

when he uses a moisturizing
shampoo on a regular basis.

And then dump all
your selfish problems on him

and expect him
to be sympathetic,

especially if he'’s been
held hostage

with your never-ending
jiggity, jiggity,

"I'’m so insanely happy,
but desperately lonely" madhouse

for so long that he'’s wearing
underwear four sizes too small

and sticking his balls
against a microwave.

Helen stood 5'’6"
and loved playing checkers.

I'’m sure we can all agree

that Helen was an outstanding
checkers player.

Hey, you want to be mad at me?

I'’m mad at me too.

I spent my life

trying to do what was right
for everyone else,

trying to be who
I was expected to be,

except the real me wasn'’t
the person I ended up becoming,

and now I'’m 60?

And the only thing that has
saved me in my whole life

is that when I look at you,

I'’m worth something.

I talk to you,
and I feel good.

And I look at you, and...

my life matters.

So if I needed you
more than you needed me

and that was too much to bear,

then I am terribly sorry,
but, sweetie...

you'’re my son,

and until you have one
of your own,

you cannot imagine
the extraordinary person

who is going to come
out of your own imperfections.

The, uh, deceased'’s son
has asked

that we play
Helen'’s favorite song.

Mom, I gotta go.

Hi.

I need to see Clare.

It'’s really important.

She said she would call you
when she was ready to talk.

Besides, I'’m hosting
a baby shower.

Look, Holly, I know we'’ve
never seen eye to eye,

but I am asking you
as a semi-human being

to please let me
in this house.

Thank you.

Oh. Oops.

Hi.

Just looking for my wife.

There she is.

Can we talk for a minute,
sweetie?

Clare.

Clare, please,
I need to talk to you.

Need, need-- Tell me more
about what you need.

Okay, I deserved that,

but will you please
hear me out?

- Please? Ow!
- Ow!

- I'’m sorry.
- What are you doing?

You stopped really fast,
and then you turned.

All right, whatever
you'’re gonna say,

just spit it out.

Okay, I know we haven'’t been
getting along that great,

and I-I don'’t want to get into
whose fault it is,

especially '’cause Myron'’s
not here to defend himself.

- Oh, Noah.
- No, no, no.

Okay, okay, okay.

All right, some of it--
some of it--

most of it, moving towards
all of it, is my fault.

Honesty zone?

Fine.

Okay.

Well?

Oh, you want me to start.

- Noah.
- No, wait.

How long are you gonna
put me through this?

Believe me, I just--

I wish I could take
the whole week back,

but I-I can'’t.

And I know. I know.
You'’re married to a guy

who can'’t hold
a real conversation

with his mom and dad,

a guy who'’s sneaking around,

snapping one off
before sex?

I get it.

Instead of just
telling you

that he feels completely
inadequate to be a father.

But you'’re not inadequate.

- That'’s what'’s so stupid.

Will you shut up!

I mean, who has geese
in their yard?

Honey, you say that now,
but what about in 30 years?

I mean, I just see
all the things

that my parents
are going through.

We'’re not your parents.

Yeah, but at some point,
they were as in love as we are,

and something went wrong,

and I-I just didn'’t want that
to happen to us,

and I made a huge mistake,

and I hurt you,

and I'’m sorry,

and I'’m lame,

and I suck too.

You hurt me so much.

Now you just show up here and...

say you'’re sorry,

and you want me
to just say everything'’s okay,

and it doesn'’t feel okay.

I know.

I wouldn'’t
believe me either,

but today my mom
actually said

that I'’m the only thing
in her life she doesn'’t regret,

which floored me,
'’cause I didn'’t think she was

all that thrilled
with how I turned out.

But apparently,
I'’m not that bad.

So if my parents can produce
this rousing success story,

then I have to think you and I
can make one of our own.

And I don'’t wanna
miss out on that.

I mean, what kind of idiot
would--would miss out on that?

Not this idiot.

No more toddler briefs.

I'’m wearing
big boy undies now.

That chaise lounge,
you know it'’s right.

Shut up!

Ooh, is something burning?

- Oh, hey.
- Woo!

It'’s Noah
and Clare Cooper.

Like a Cheech and Chong movie
in here, isn'’t it?

Looks like somebody
kissed and made up.

Yeah, it looks like

they did a little bit
more than that.

- Join us right this instant.
- Okay.

Yeah, sit down.

Get over here.

We were just smoking some green,

like, that medicine,
you know,

that green medicine.

Yeah, since when do you
smoke green medicine?

Hey, you don'’t think that'’s all
we do at Pain Pals, do you?

You think that all we do
is talk about our problems?

We'’re into action, man.

'’Cause the herb
is a blessing.

Such a blessing.

So...

The bud'’s the bomb.

So, Mom, Clare and I
were talking on the way home,

and we want you to know
that you'’re both welcome

to stay with us
as long as you need to.

- Oh.
- That'’s nice.

Well, you know what?

We don'’t need it,
though.

No, no.

Nope.
We'’re moving in together.

You'’re what?

Yes, we both need a place,

and we really enjoy
each other'’s company,

so we thought,

"Hey, why the heck not?"

Yeah, you'’ve known
each other for four days.

I think
it'’s a good idea.

And I called my parents,
and they'’re really excited,

and they'’re giving me
seed money

and my own credit card.

Yes.

And I'’ve never had one.

- I'’m surprised.
- Where are you gonna stay?

We'’re sacking out down at
the Downtowner for a couple days

And we'’re also collaborating
on a screenplay

- Oh!
- about diabetic vampires.

Yeah, listen to this.

Do you like the title?

Blood Sugar.

Oh, wow.
Oh, I get it.

Right?

I can'’t believe he'’s 32.

Oh, I know.

- What?

I shoulda told him!

I should have told him.

I'’m an old person.

Do you like old people?

- All right, thanks.
- You'’re welcome.

Thanks for sharing
your home with me.

Anytime. Oh.

You'’re a special person,

and I don'’t mean the kind
that wears a helmet.

Oh, that'’s good.

You should put
that in PTSD.

Well, actually...

Thanks for everything, sweetie.

Always an adventure.

Now, let me know if you guys
make me a grandkid, all right?

I'’ll stay on top of it.

And if you do,
don'’t drink too much

in the first trimester.

That'’s where I went wrong
with Noah, I think.

- But anyway--oh.
- Bye, Clare.

Bye, Myron.

Hey.

I don'’t know what to say.

Just hug me as hard as you can,
and let'’s call it a week.

I can do that.

- Okay.
- I love you.

I love you too.

One of these days,
we'’ll work out

all of our stuff.

Probably not.

- Okay.
- All right.

All right, Hartanto.

That old road'’s a-callin'’.

Marilyn...

and Myron...

are out right now.

So please leave a message.

Hi, it'’s your son.

Uh, I know you'’re probably
at work right now.

Um. I was just calling
to say hi, but call me back.

Oh, wait, I think
you have class tonight.

But anyways,
I just was calling to say

that I hired a hand
and wrist specialist,

so the next time
you come to the office--

Hang on a second,
Dad'’s in a standoff with Ian.

He keeps winging
his mac-n-cheese at me.

Hey, eat your lunch, monkey.

- Don'’t throw it at Grandpa.

Honey, why'’s the phone
off the hook?

Can you come down here, please?

I'’ve got it under control.

What'’s going on?

Okay, you don'’t have it
under control.

Honey, who'’s on the phone?

Sweetie.

Hello?

Clare. Clare bear!

All right!

Mommy to the rescue.