Original subtitles

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS] I'LL CHECK IN ON YOU LATER, MR. FEATHERSTONE.

I'LL CHECK IN ON YOU LATER, MR. FEATHERSTONE. THANK YOU, JANET.

[MUSIC STOPS]

LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT"! [BAND PLAYS]

Announcer: STARRING... WITH ROB'S GUESTS...

THE NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME PLAYERS...

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ROB REINER. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! THANK YOU.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! THANK YOU. NICE TO SEE YOU, DARLING.

THANK YOU. NICE TO SEE YOU, DARLING. IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU.

NICE TO SEE YOU, DARLING. IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU. YOU'RE A BEAUTIFUL HUMAN BEING.

IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU. YOU'RE A BEAUTIFUL HUMAN BEING. HOW YOU DOING?

YOU'RE A BEAUTIFUL HUMAN BEING. HOW YOU DOING? NICE TO SEE YOU, DARLING.

HOW YOU DOING? NICE TO SEE YOU, DARLING. YOU'RE JUST LOVELY.

NICE TO SEE YOU, DARLING. YOU'RE JUST LOVELY. YOU'RE JUST LOVELY.

YOU'RE JUST LOVELY. YOU'RE JUST LOVELY. NICE TO SEE YOU, PAL.

YOU'RE JUST LOVELY. NICE TO SEE YOU, PAL. YOU'RE ALL SUCH BEAUTIFUL HUMAN

NICE TO SEE YOU, PAL. YOU'RE ALL SUCH BEAUTIFUL HUMAN BEINGS.

YOU'RE ALL SUCH BEAUTIFUL HUMAN BEINGS. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

BEINGS. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE. PROBABLY A LOT OF YOU ARE

IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE. PROBABLY A LOT OF YOU ARE WONDERING ABOUT THE WAY I LOOK

PROBABLY A LOT OF YOU ARE WONDERING ABOUT THE WAY I LOOK TONIGHT.

WONDERING ABOUT THE WAY I LOOK TONIGHT. THIS IS THE WAY I LOOK LIVE,

TONIGHT. THIS IS THE WAY I LOOK LIVE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

THIS IS THE WAY I LOOK LIVE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. THIS IS THE REAL ME.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. THIS IS THE REAL ME. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THIS IS THE REAL ME. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. NICE TO SEE YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. NICE TO SEE YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

NICE TO SEE YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I'D LIKE TO SPEND SOME TIME WITH

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I'D LIKE TO SPEND SOME TIME WITH YOU, SING A FEW SONGS FOR YOU,

I'D LIKE TO SPEND SOME TIME WITH YOU, SING A FEW SONGS FOR YOU, BUT BEFORE WE GET DOWN TO SOME

YOU, SING A FEW SONGS FOR YOU, BUT BEFORE WE GET DOWN TO SOME REALLY FUNKY SOUNDS...

BUT BEFORE WE GET DOWN TO SOME REALLY FUNKY SOUNDS... I'D LIKE TO TURN UP THOSE HOUSE

REALLY FUNKY SOUNDS... I'D LIKE TO TURN UP THOSE HOUSE LIGHTS FOR JUST A SECOND AND

I'D LIKE TO TURN UP THOSE HOUSE LIGHTS FOR JUST A SECOND AND TAKE A LOOK AT A FEW OF YOU

LIGHTS FOR JUST A SECOND AND TAKE A LOOK AT A FEW OF YOU BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE.

TAKE A LOOK AT A FEW OF YOU BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE. LET'S TAKE... AH, THERE THEY

BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE. LET'S TAKE... AH, THERE THEY ARE.

LET'S TAKE... AH, THERE THEY ARE. AND YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, YOU KNOW.

ARE. AND YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, YOU KNOW. LIKE A LOVELY GARDEN OF FLOWERS.

AND YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, YOU KNOW. LIKE A LOVELY GARDEN OF FLOWERS. SEE A FEW WEEDS HERE AND THERE.

LIKE A LOVELY GARDEN OF FLOWERS. SEE A FEW WEEDS HERE AND THERE. [CHUCKLES]

SEE A FEW WEEDS HERE AND THERE. [CHUCKLES] BUT SERIOUSLY, YOU ARE

[CHUCKLES] BUT SERIOUSLY, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.

BUT SERIOUSLY, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. OH, MY GOODNESS, LADIES AND

BEAUTIFUL. OH, MY GOODNESS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I JUST SPOTTED A DEAR

OH, MY GOODNESS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I JUST SPOTTED A DEAR FRIEND IN THE AUDIENCE.

GENTLEMEN, I JUST SPOTTED A DEAR FRIEND IN THE AUDIENCE. I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO

FRIEND IN THE AUDIENCE. I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO HIM.

I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO HIM. I'M JUST TICKLED PINK THAT HE'S

HIM. I'M JUST TICKLED PINK THAT HE'S HERE.

I'M JUST TICKLED PINK THAT HE'S HERE. HE FLEW ALL THE WAY IN FROM THE

HERE. HE FLEW ALL THE WAY IN FROM THE COAST.

HE FLEW ALL THE WAY IN FROM THE COAST. AND I GUESS, WHAT CAN YOU SAY

COAST. AND I GUESS, WHAT CAN YOU SAY ABOUT HIM?

AND I GUESS, WHAT CAN YOU SAY ABOUT HIM? HE'S A LEGEND IN HIS OWN TIME, A

ABOUT HIM? HE'S A LEGEND IN HIS OWN TIME, A GREAT, GREAT SONGWRITER, A MAN

HE'S A LEGEND IN HIS OWN TIME, A GREAT, GREAT SONGWRITER, A MAN WHOSE NAME CONJURES UP IMAGES OF

GREAT, GREAT SONGWRITER, A MAN WHOSE NAME CONJURES UP IMAGES OF CHRISTMAS AND SNOWFALL AND

WHOSE NAME CONJURES UP IMAGES OF CHRISTMAS AND SNOWFALL AND FIRESIDES, TURKEYS, GIBLET

CHRISTMAS AND SNOWFALL AND FIRESIDES, TURKEYS, GIBLET GRAVY.

FIRESIDES, TURKEYS, GIBLET GRAVY. WILL YOU WELCOME, PLEASE,

GRAVY. WILL YOU WELCOME, PLEASE, MR. IRVING BERLIN?

WILL YOU WELCOME, PLEASE, MR. IRVING BERLIN? IRV, STAND UP AND TAKE A BOW.

MR. IRVING BERLIN, LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN.

ISN'T THIS BEAUTIFUL?

BEAUTIFUL.

HE'S SUCH A SWEETHEART, ISN'T HE? THANK YOU, IRV.

HE? THANK YOU, IRV. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU, IRV. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. ISN'T HE BEAUTIFUL, LADIES AND

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. ISN'T HE BEAUTIFUL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN?

ISN'T HE BEAUTIFUL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN? I'D LIKE TO PAY TRIBUTE TONIGHT

GENTLEMEN? I'D LIKE TO PAY TRIBUTE TONIGHT TO ANOTHER CLOSE, PERSONAL

I'D LIKE TO PAY TRIBUTE TONIGHT TO ANOTHER CLOSE, PERSONAL FRIEND OF MINE, A MAN WHO I HAVE

TO ANOTHER CLOSE, PERSONAL FRIEND OF MINE, A MAN WHO I HAVE THE PLEASURE OF CALLING

FRIEND OF MINE, A MAN WHO I HAVE THE PLEASURE OF CALLING "FRIEND."

THE PLEASURE OF CALLING "FRIEND." HE'S NO LONGER WITH US, GOD REST

"FRIEND." HE'S NO LONGER WITH US, GOD REST HIS SOUL.

HE'S NO LONGER WITH US, GOD REST HIS SOUL. HE WAS MY MAIN MAN...

HIS SOUL. HE WAS MY MAIN MAN... THE LATE, GREAT MR. BOB DYLAN.

HE WAS MY MAIN MAN... THE LATE, GREAT MR. BOB DYLAN. WHAT?

THE LATE, GREAT MR. BOB DYLAN. WHAT? STILL ALIVE?

WHAT? STILL ALIVE? [CHUCKLES]

STILL ALIVE? [CHUCKLES] HE HASN'T CALLED ME IN SUCH A

[CHUCKLES] HE HASN'T CALLED ME IN SUCH A LONG TIME.

HE HASN'T CALLED ME IN SUCH A LONG TIME. WE'VE LOST TOUCH.

LONG TIME. WE'VE LOST TOUCH. ALIVE, HUH?

WE'VE LOST TOUCH. ALIVE, HUH? WELL, THOUGHT HE WAS DEAD.

ALIVE, HUH? WELL, THOUGHT HE WAS DEAD. ALL RIGHT, WELL, ANYWAY, I'D

WELL, THOUGHT HE WAS DEAD. ALL RIGHT, WELL, ANYWAY, I'D LIKE TO SING A SONG THAT HE HAD

ALL RIGHT, WELL, ANYWAY, I'D LIKE TO SING A SONG THAT HE HAD THE PLEASURE OF WRITING AND I

LIKE TO SING A SONG THAT HE HAD THE PLEASURE OF WRITING AND I HAD THE PLEASURE OF RECORDING.

THE PLEASURE OF WRITING AND I HAD THE PLEASURE OF RECORDING. AND I ALSO HAD THE PLEASURE OF

HAD THE PLEASURE OF RECORDING. AND I ALSO HAD THE PLEASURE OF MAKING A GREAT DEAL OF MONEY

AND I ALSO HAD THE PLEASURE OF MAKING A GREAT DEAL OF MONEY WITH THIS SONG.

MAKING A GREAT DEAL OF MONEY WITH THIS SONG. HOWARD, IF YOU WILL.

WITH THIS SONG. HOWARD, IF YOU WILL. A-1, 2.

HOWARD, IF YOU WILL. A-1, 2. A-1, 2, 3, 4.

A-1, 2. A-1, 2, 3, 4. ♪ HOW MANY ROADS MUST A MAN

A-1, 2, 3, 4. ♪ HOW MANY ROADS MUST A MAN WALK DOWN ♪

♪ HOW MANY ROADS MUST A MAN WALK DOWN ♪ THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

WALK DOWN ♪ THANK YOU VERY MUCH. ♪ BEFORE YOU CALL HIM A MAN? ♪

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. ♪ BEFORE YOU CALL HIM A MAN? ♪ YOU TELL ME, YES.

♪ BEFORE YOU CALL HIM A MAN? ♪ YOU TELL ME, YES. ♪ HOW MANY SEAS MUST THAT

YOU TELL ME, YES. ♪ HOW MANY SEAS MUST THAT WHITE DOVE SAIL, HA, HO ♪

♪ HOW MANY SEAS MUST THAT WHITE DOVE SAIL, HA, HO ♪ ♪ BEFORE SHE SLEEPS

WHITE DOVE SAIL, HA, HO ♪ ♪ BEFORE SHE SLEEPS IN THE SAND? ♪

♪ BEFORE SHE SLEEPS IN THE SAND? ♪ HO, THANK YOU!

IN THE SAND? ♪ HO, THANK YOU! ♪ HOW MANY TIMES MUST THOSE

HO, THANK YOU! ♪ HOW MANY TIMES MUST THOSE CANNONBALLS FLY ♪

♪ HOW MANY TIMES MUST THOSE CANNONBALLS FLY ♪ ♪ BEFORE THEY'RE FOREVER

CANNONBALLS FLY ♪ ♪ BEFORE THEY'RE FOREVER BANNED? ♪

♪ BEFORE THEY'RE FOREVER BANNED? ♪ SPEAKING OF BANDS, LADIES AND

BANNED? ♪ SPEAKING OF BANDS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, HOW ABOUT

SPEAKING OF BANDS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, HOW ABOUT HOWARD SHORE AND HIS ORCHESTRA,

GENTLEMEN, HOW ABOUT HOWARD SHORE AND HIS ORCHESTRA, HUH?

HOWARD SHORE AND HIS ORCHESTRA, HUH? BIG ROUND OF APPLAUSE, HUH?

HUH? BIG ROUND OF APPLAUSE, HUH? HE'S BEAUTIFUL, ISN'T HE?

BIG ROUND OF APPLAUSE, HUH? HE'S BEAUTIFUL, ISN'T HE? ♪ THE ANSWER, MY FRIEND ♪

HE'S BEAUTIFUL, ISN'T HE? ♪ THE ANSWER, MY FRIEND ♪ ♪ IS BLOWIN' IN THE WIND ♪

♪ THE ANSWER, MY FRIEND ♪ ♪ IS BLOWIN' IN THE WIND ♪ ♪ THE ANSWER ♪

♪ IS BLOWIN' IN THE WIND ♪ ♪ THE ANSWER ♪ ♪ IS BLOWIN' ♪

♪ THE ANSWER ♪ ♪ IS BLOWIN' ♪ ♪ IN THE WIND ♪

♪ IS BLOWIN' ♪ ♪ IN THE WIND ♪ THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

♪ IN THE WIND ♪ THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU. [APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU. [APPLAUSE] I'D LIKE TO RELAX JUST FOR A

[APPLAUSE] I'D LIKE TO RELAX JUST FOR A SECOND, KIND OF TAKE THINGS

I'D LIKE TO RELAX JUST FOR A SECOND, KIND OF TAKE THINGS EASY...

SECOND, KIND OF TAKE THINGS EASY... TALK TO YOU VERY SERIOUSLY ABOUT

EASY... TALK TO YOU VERY SERIOUSLY ABOUT SOMETHING THAT'S IMPORTANT TO

TALK TO YOU VERY SERIOUSLY ABOUT SOMETHING THAT'S IMPORTANT TO ME.

SOMETHING THAT'S IMPORTANT TO ME. YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN VERY

ME. YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN VERY FORTUNATE.

YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN VERY FORTUNATE. I'VE BEEN BLESSED BY THAT MAN

FORTUNATE. I'VE BEEN BLESSED BY THAT MAN UPSTAIRS.

I'VE BEEN BLESSED BY THAT MAN UPSTAIRS. YEAH, MY REAL MAIN MAN.

UPSTAIRS. YEAH, MY REAL MAIN MAN. LET'S HAVE A ROUND OF APPLAUSE

YEAH, MY REAL MAIN MAN. LET'S HAVE A ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR HIM.

LET'S HAVE A ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR HIM. ISN'T HE BEAUTIFUL?

FOR HIM. ISN'T HE BEAUTIFUL? ISN'T HE BEAUTIFUL?

ISN'T HE BEAUTIFUL? ISN'T HE BEAUTIFUL? THANK YOU.

ISN'T HE BEAUTIFUL? THANK YOU. ISN'T HE BEAUTIFUL?

THANK YOU. ISN'T HE BEAUTIFUL? YEAH, HE'S STILL ALIVE.

ISN'T HE BEAUTIFUL? YEAH, HE'S STILL ALIVE. YOU BET HE IS.

YEAH, HE'S STILL ALIVE. YOU BET HE IS. YEAH, HE'S BLESSED ME WITH THAT

YOU BET HE IS. YEAH, HE'S BLESSED ME WITH THAT GOD-GIVEN TALENT TO MAKE PEOPLE

YEAH, HE'S BLESSED ME WITH THAT GOD-GIVEN TALENT TO MAKE PEOPLE HAPPY, NICE HOUSE, WIFE, FAMILY,

GOD-GIVEN TALENT TO MAKE PEOPLE HAPPY, NICE HOUSE, WIFE, FAMILY, FIRE INSURANCE.

HAPPY, NICE HOUSE, WIFE, FAMILY, FIRE INSURANCE. AND, YOU KNOW, TOO OFTEN, WE

FIRE INSURANCE. AND, YOU KNOW, TOO OFTEN, WE TAKE THESE THINGS FOR GRANTED.

AND, YOU KNOW, TOO OFTEN, WE TAKE THESE THINGS FOR GRANTED. I KNOW I DO.

TAKE THESE THINGS FOR GRANTED. I KNOW I DO. I'M THE BIGGEST OFFENDER.

I KNOW I DO. I'M THE BIGGEST OFFENDER. I GUESS WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY

I'M THE BIGGEST OFFENDER. I GUESS WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS THAT IT ALL BOILS DOWN TO ONE

I GUESS WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS THAT IT ALL BOILS DOWN TO ONE WORD.

IS THAT IT ALL BOILS DOWN TO ONE WORD. THAT'S RIGHT.

WORD. THAT'S RIGHT. YOU GUESSED IT.

THAT'S RIGHT. YOU GUESSED IT. LOVE.

YOU GUESSED IT. LOVE. YEAH, LOVE IS THE ANSWER.

LOVE. YEAH, LOVE IS THE ANSWER. AND AREN'T WE ALL... ALL LOOKING

YEAH, LOVE IS THE ANSWER. AND AREN'T WE ALL... ALL LOOKING FOR AN ANSWER IN THIS CRAZY

AND AREN'T WE ALL... ALL LOOKING FOR AN ANSWER IN THIS CRAZY THING I CALL [CHUCKLES] LIFE?

FOR AN ANSWER IN THIS CRAZY THING I CALL [CHUCKLES] LIFE? YES, WELL, I KNOW, WITH LOVE, I

THING I CALL [CHUCKLES] LIFE? YES, WELL, I KNOW, WITH LOVE, I FIND MY ANSWER.

YES, WELL, I KNOW, WITH LOVE, I FIND MY ANSWER. HOPE YOU FIND YOURS, TOO.

FIND MY ANSWER. HOPE YOU FIND YOURS, TOO. BUT IF YOU DON'T, WELL...

HOPE YOU FIND YOURS, TOO. BUT IF YOU DON'T, WELL... ♪ THE ANSWER, MY FRIEND ♪

BUT IF YOU DON'T, WELL... ♪ THE ANSWER, MY FRIEND ♪ ♪ IS BLOWIN' IN THE WIND ♪

♪ THE ANSWER, MY FRIEND ♪ ♪ IS BLOWIN' IN THE WIND ♪ ♪ THE ANSWER IS BLOWIN' ♪

♪ IS BLOWIN' IN THE WIND ♪ ♪ THE ANSWER IS BLOWIN' ♪ ♪ ANSWER IS BLOWIN' ♪

♪ THE ANSWER IS BLOWIN' ♪ ♪ ANSWER IS BLOWIN' ♪ ♪ ANSWER... YOU'LL FIND IT

♪ ANSWER IS BLOWIN' ♪ ♪ ANSWER... YOU'LL FIND IT IN THAT WIND ♪

♪ ANSWER... YOU'LL FIND IT IN THAT WIND ♪ ♪ BA-DOO-BA-DOO-BA-DOO-BA-DOO,

IN THAT WIND ♪ ♪ BA-DOO-BA-DOO-BA-DOO-BA-DOO, HEY, HO ♪

♪ BA-DOO-BA-DOO-BA-DOO-BA-DOO, HEY, HO ♪ HEY, HEY, HEY!

HEY, HO ♪ HEY, HEY, HEY! THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

HEY, HEY, HEY! THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. YOU'VE BEEN BEAUTIFUL.

THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. YOU'VE BEEN BEAUTIFUL. THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

YOU'VE BEEN BEAUTIFUL. THANK YOU VERY MUCH! [APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH! [APPLAUSE] THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[APPLAUSE] THANK YOU VERY MUCH. NICE TO SEE YOU ALL.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. NICE TO SEE YOU ALL. SEE YOU AFTER THE SHOW.

NICE TO SEE YOU ALL. SEE YOU AFTER THE SHOW. THANK YOU.

SEE YOU AFTER THE SHOW. THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL. WHOO! WHOO! WHOO!

YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL. WHOO! WHOO! WHOO! HO, THERE! HEY, THERE!

WHOO! WHOO! WHOO! HO, THERE! HEY, THERE! I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE ONE OF

HO, THERE! HEY, THERE! I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE ONE OF THOSE GUYS.

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE ONE OF THOSE GUYS. [APPLAUSE]

THOSE GUYS. [APPLAUSE] THIS IS THE REAL ME.

[APPLAUSE] THIS IS THE REAL ME. I THINK IT'S THE REAL ME, ISN'T

THIS IS THE REAL ME. I THINK IT'S THE REAL ME, ISN'T IT?

I THINK IT'S THE REAL ME, ISN'T IT? YES, IT IS.

IT? YES, IT IS. I WANT TO REALLY THANK YOU AND

YES, IT IS. I WANT TO REALLY THANK YOU AND WELCOME YOU TO THE SHOW.

I WANT TO REALLY THANK YOU AND WELCOME YOU TO THE SHOW. WE HAVE A VERY GOOD SHOW LINED

WELCOME YOU TO THE SHOW. WE HAVE A VERY GOOD SHOW LINED UP FOR YOU.

WE HAVE A VERY GOOD SHOW LINED UP FOR YOU. AND WE'LL BE BACK RIGHT AFTER

UP FOR YOU. AND WE'LL BE BACK RIGHT AFTER THIS WORD.

AND WE'LL BE BACK RIGHT AFTER THIS WORD. Announcer: TONIGHT, A MESSAGE

THIS WORD. Announcer: TONIGHT, A MESSAGE FROM THE NATIONAL PANCREAS

Announcer: TONIGHT, A MESSAGE FROM THE NATIONAL PANCREAS ASSOCIATION.

FROM THE NATIONAL PANCREAS ASSOCIATION. YOU KNOW, HONEY, I DON'T

ASSOCIATION. YOU KNOW, HONEY, I DON'T FEEL GOOD.

YOU KNOW, HONEY, I DON'T FEEL GOOD. WELL, THAT'S TOO BAD, ED.

FEEL GOOD. WELL, THAT'S TOO BAD, ED. DID YOU EVER THINK THAT IT MIGHT

WELL, THAT'S TOO BAD, ED. DID YOU EVER THINK THAT IT MIGHT BE YOUR PANCREAS?

DID YOU EVER THINK THAT IT MIGHT BE YOUR PANCREAS? GEE, HONEY, I MUST HAVE

BE YOUR PANCREAS? GEE, HONEY, I MUST HAVE UNTHINKINGLY RULED MY PANCREAS

GEE, HONEY, I MUST HAVE UNTHINKINGLY RULED MY PANCREAS OUT.

UNTHINKINGLY RULED MY PANCREAS OUT. I'LL CHECK ON IT FIRST THING IN

OUT. I'LL CHECK ON IT FIRST THING IN THE MORNING.

I'M SORRY, ED. YOUR PANCREAS IS ON THE FRITZ. YOU CAME TO ME JUST IN TIME.

YOUR PANCREAS IS ON THE FRITZ. YOU CAME TO ME JUST IN TIME. REMINDS ME OF A LITTLE JOKE.

YOU CAME TO ME JUST IN TIME. REMINDS ME OF A LITTLE JOKE. KNOCK, KNOCK.

REMINDS ME OF A LITTLE JOKE. KNOCK, KNOCK. WHO'S THERE?

KNOCK, KNOCK. WHO'S THERE? ED'S PANCREAS.

WHO'S THERE? ED'S PANCREAS. ED'S PANCREAS WHO?

ED'S PANCREAS. ED'S PANCREAS WHO? I DON'T KNOW, ED.

ED'S PANCREAS WHO? I DON'T KNOW, ED. BUT I KNOW THIS...

I DON'T KNOW, ED. BUT I KNOW THIS... GOOD GLANDS DON'T GROW ON TREES.

YEAH, I GUESS I HAVEN'T DONE

RIGHT BY MY...

MY PANCREAS.

GEE, ED, YOU LOOK LIKE A

MILLION BUCKS.

HOW YOU FEELING, HONEY?

FIT AS A FIDDLE... A FIDDLE

WITH A HEALTHY PANCREAS.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Announcer: "SATURDAY NIGHT"

WILL RETURN AFTER THIS WORD FROM

PYROPLEX, THE BASEBALL WITH A

COLLEGE EDUCATION.

YOU KNOW... THANK YOU. YOU KNOW, DURING THE BREAK THAT WE JUST HAD, SOMEBODY CAME UP

YOU KNOW, DURING THE BREAK THAT WE JUST HAD, SOMEBODY CAME UP AND ASKED ME IF SALLY STRUTHERS

WE JUST HAD, SOMEBODY CAME UP AND ASKED ME IF SALLY STRUTHERS WAS REALLY MY WIFE.

AND ASKED ME IF SALLY STRUTHERS WAS REALLY MY WIFE. A LOT OF PEOPLE ASK ME THAT.

WAS REALLY MY WIFE. A LOT OF PEOPLE ASK ME THAT. IT'S NOT TRUE.

A LOT OF PEOPLE ASK ME THAT. IT'S NOT TRUE. MY REAL WIFE IS

IT'S NOT TRUE. MY REAL WIFE IS SENATOR LOWELL WEICKER.

MY REAL WIFE IS SENATOR LOWELL WEICKER. NO, OF COURSE NOT.

SENATOR LOWELL WEICKER. NO, OF COURSE NOT. THAT WOULD BE SILLY, WOULDN'T

NO, OF COURSE NOT. THAT WOULD BE SILLY, WOULDN'T IT?

THAT WOULD BE SILLY, WOULDN'T IT? NO, MY REAL WIFE IS A LADY NAMED

IT? NO, MY REAL WIFE IS A LADY NAMED PENNY MARSHALL, AND SHE'S OUT

NO, MY REAL WIFE IS A LADY NAMED PENNY MARSHALL, AND SHE'S OUT THERE IN CALIFORNIA, AND I WANT

PENNY MARSHALL, AND SHE'S OUT THERE IN CALIFORNIA, AND I WANT TO SAY HELLO.

THERE IN CALIFORNIA, AND I WANT TO SAY HELLO. HI, PENNY.

TO SAY HELLO. HI, PENNY. HELLO, TRACY.

HI, PENNY. HELLO, TRACY. ENOUGH FAMILY STUFF.

HELLO, TRACY. ENOUGH FAMILY STUFF. OKAY, ON WITH THE SHOW.

ENOUGH FAMILY STUFF. OKAY, ON WITH THE SHOW. YOU KNOW, OVER THE LAST FEW

OKAY, ON WITH THE SHOW. YOU KNOW, OVER THE LAST FEW YEARS, PEOPLE HAVE BECOME

YOU KNOW, OVER THE LAST FEW YEARS, PEOPLE HAVE BECOME VERY FASHION-CONSCIOUS...

YEARS, PEOPLE HAVE BECOME VERY FASHION-CONSCIOUS... Announcer: WHAT ROB DOESN'T

VERY FASHION-CONSCIOUS... Announcer: WHAT ROB DOESN'T KNOW IS THAT WE'VE SECRETLY

Announcer: WHAT ROB DOESN'T KNOW IS THAT WE'VE SECRETLY FLOWN HIS WIFE, PENNY, TO

KNOW IS THAT WE'VE SECRETLY FLOWN HIS WIFE, PENNY, TO NEW YORK AND SHE'S IN THE STUDIO

FLOWN HIS WIFE, PENNY, TO NEW YORK AND SHE'S IN THE STUDIO RIGHT NOW.

NEW YORK AND SHE'S IN THE STUDIO RIGHT NOW. AREN'T WE DEVILS?

RIGHT NOW. AREN'T WE DEVILS? [APPLAUSE]

AREN'T WE DEVILS? [APPLAUSE] HEY!

[APPLAUSE] HEY! I... THIS IS... THIS IS AMAZING!

HEY! I... THIS IS... THIS IS AMAZING! I MEAN...

I... THIS IS... THIS IS AMAZING! I MEAN... I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE COMING.

I MEAN... I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE COMING. YEAH, YOU DID.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE COMING. YEAH, YOU DID. FASHION SHOW.

YEAH, YOU DID. FASHION SHOW. RIGHT, OH, THE FASHION SHOW.

FASHION SHOW. RIGHT, OH, THE FASHION SHOW. NOW, HERE'S OUR CAST TO

RIGHT, OH, THE FASHION SHOW. NOW, HERE'S OUR CAST TO DEMONSTRATE THE MOST COMMONLY

NOW, HERE'S OUR CAST TO DEMONSTRATE THE MOST COMMONLY MADE FASHION MISTAKES.

DEMONSTRATE THE MOST COMMONLY MADE FASHION MISTAKES. HERE'S GILDA IN A VELOUR

MADE FASHION MISTAKES. HERE'S GILDA IN A VELOUR PANTSUIT, PERFECT FOR THAT

HERE'S GILDA IN A VELOUR PANTSUIT, PERFECT FOR THAT SPECIAL MID-AFTERNOON

PANTSUIT, PERFECT FOR THAT SPECIAL MID-AFTERNOON RENDEZVOUS.

SPECIAL MID-AFTERNOON RENDEZVOUS. CAN YOU FIND GILDA'S FASHION

RENDEZVOUS. CAN YOU FIND GILDA'S FASHION FLAW?

CAN YOU FIND GILDA'S FASHION FLAW? DON'T WEAR YOUR UNDERWEAR ON

FLAW? DON'T WEAR YOUR UNDERWEAR ON THE OUTSIDE.

DON'T WEAR YOUR UNDERWEAR ON THE OUTSIDE. OR, IF YOU ABSOLUTELY MUST, AT

THE OUTSIDE. OR, IF YOU ABSOLUTELY MUST, AT LEAST MAKE SURE YOU GET THE DAY

OR, IF YOU ABSOLUTELY MUST, AT LEAST MAKE SURE YOU GET THE DAY RIGHT.

LEAST MAKE SURE YOU GET THE DAY RIGHT. THANK YOU, GILDA.

RIGHT. THANK YOU, GILDA. HERE'S LARAINE, LOOKING HER

THANK YOU, GILDA. HERE'S LARAINE, LOOKING HER LOVELIEST IN THIS

HERE'S LARAINE, LOOKING HER LOVELIEST IN THIS RHINESTONE-STUDDED CREATION.

LOVELIEST IN THIS RHINESTONE-STUDDED CREATION. CAN YOU SPOT WHERE LARAINE

RHINESTONE-STUDDED CREATION. CAN YOU SPOT WHERE LARAINE SLIPPED UP?

CAN YOU SPOT WHERE LARAINE SLIPPED UP? IN THE LAST-MINUTE RUSH OF

SLIPPED UP? IN THE LAST-MINUTE RUSH OF GETTING READY FOR THAT BIG DATE,

IN THE LAST-MINUTE RUSH OF GETTING READY FOR THAT BIG DATE, DON'T FORGET TO REMOVE THE

GETTING READY FOR THAT BIG DATE, DON'T FORGET TO REMOVE THE CELLOPHANE AND HANGER FROM YOUR

DON'T FORGET TO REMOVE THE CELLOPHANE AND HANGER FROM YOUR FRESHLY DRY-CLEANED CLOTHES.

CELLOPHANE AND HANGER FROM YOUR FRESHLY DRY-CLEANED CLOTHES. THANK YOU, LARAINE.

FRESHLY DRY-CLEANED CLOTHES. THANK YOU, LARAINE. HERE COMES GARRETT, THE TALK OF

THANK YOU, LARAINE. HERE COMES GARRETT, THE TALK OF THE TOWN, IN A SMART,

HERE COMES GARRETT, THE TALK OF THE TOWN, IN A SMART, CONTINENTAL, CHALK-STRIPE SUIT.

THE TOWN, IN A SMART, CONTINENTAL, CHALK-STRIPE SUIT. CAN YOU FIND WHAT FASHION LAW

CONTINENTAL, CHALK-STRIPE SUIT. CAN YOU FIND WHAT FASHION LAW GARRETT'S BREAKING?

CAN YOU FIND WHAT FASHION LAW GARRETT'S BREAKING? DON'T WEAR FURNITURE.

GARRETT'S BREAKING? DON'T WEAR FURNITURE. HAVE FAITH, AND A CHAIR WILL BE

DON'T WEAR FURNITURE. HAVE FAITH, AND A CHAIR WILL BE PROVIDED SHOULD YOU BE REQUIRED

HAVE FAITH, AND A CHAIR WILL BE PROVIDED SHOULD YOU BE REQUIRED TO SIT.

PROVIDED SHOULD YOU BE REQUIRED TO SIT. THANK YOU, GARRETT.

TO SIT. THANK YOU, GARRETT. HERE'S JANE, A WILD AND

THANK YOU, GARRETT. HERE'S JANE, A WILD AND BEGUILING GYPSY, READY TO SET

HERE'S JANE, A WILD AND BEGUILING GYPSY, READY TO SET YOUR HEART AFLAME... WERE IT

BEGUILING GYPSY, READY TO SET YOUR HEART AFLAME... WERE IT NOT FOR ONE FASHION FAUX PAS.

YOUR HEART AFLAME... WERE IT NOT FOR ONE FASHION FAUX PAS. JANE IS WEARING A HAMSTER

NOT FOR ONE FASHION FAUX PAS. JANE IS WEARING A HAMSTER HEAD.

JANE IS WEARING A HAMSTER HEAD. DON'T WEAR HAMSTER HEADS.

HEAD. DON'T WEAR HAMSTER HEADS. YOU'VE GOT A FACE.

DON'T WEAR HAMSTER HEADS. YOU'VE GOT A FACE. LET'S SEE IT.

YOU'VE GOT A FACE. LET'S SEE IT. THANK YOU, JANE.

LET'S SEE IT. THANK YOU, JANE. OH, LOOK, HERE'S DANNY IN A

THANK YOU, JANE. OH, LOOK, HERE'S DANNY IN A DOUBLE-KNIT LEISURE SUIT BY

OH, LOOK, HERE'S DANNY IN A DOUBLE-KNIT LEISURE SUIT BY NORMAN OF NEWARK.

DOUBLE-KNIT LEISURE SUIT BY NORMAN OF NEWARK. WHERE HAS DANNY MISSED THE BOAT?

NORMAN OF NEWARK. WHERE HAS DANNY MISSED THE BOAT? DANNY IS WEARING A

WHERE HAS DANNY MISSED THE BOAT? DANNY IS WEARING A DOUBLE-KNIT LEISURE SUIT BY

DANNY IS WEARING A DOUBLE-KNIT LEISURE SUIT BY NORMAN OF NEWARK.

DOUBLE-KNIT LEISURE SUIT BY NORMAN OF NEWARK. DON'T WEAR THEM.

NORMAN OF NEWARK. DON'T WEAR THEM. THEY MAKE YOU LOOK LIKE A

DON'T WEAR THEM. THEY MAKE YOU LOOK LIKE A MORON.

THEY MAKE YOU LOOK LIKE A MORON. THANK YOU, DANNY.

MORON. THANK YOU, DANNY. SURF'S UP, AND HERE'S JOHN, THE

THANK YOU, DANNY. SURF'S UP, AND HERE'S JOHN, THE BEACHCOMBER, A WELCOME GUEST AT

SURF'S UP, AND HERE'S JOHN, THE BEACHCOMBER, A WELCOME GUEST AT ANY CLAMBAKE.

BEACHCOMBER, A WELCOME GUEST AT ANY CLAMBAKE. CAN YOU GUESS WHERE JOHN WIPED

ANY CLAMBAKE. CAN YOU GUESS WHERE JOHN WIPED OUT?

CAN YOU GUESS WHERE JOHN WIPED OUT? DON'T WEAR LOBSTERS ON YOUR

OUT? DON'T WEAR LOBSTERS ON YOUR EYEBROWS.

DON'T WEAR LOBSTERS ON YOUR EYEBROWS. IT'S PAINFUL, IT'S UNATTRACTIVE,

EYEBROWS. IT'S PAINFUL, IT'S UNATTRACTIVE, AND YOU WON'T SCORE ANY FASHION

IT'S PAINFUL, IT'S UNATTRACTIVE, AND YOU WON'T SCORE ANY FASHION POINTS BY BEING CRUEL TO

AND YOU WON'T SCORE ANY FASHION POINTS BY BEING CRUEL TO CRUSTACEANS.

POINTS BY BEING CRUEL TO CRUSTACEANS. THANK YOU, JOHN.

CRUSTACEANS. THANK YOU, JOHN. AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST, HERE'S

THANK YOU, JOHN. AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST, HERE'S MICHAEL, MR. SOPHISTICATION

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST, HERE'S MICHAEL, MR. SOPHISTICATION HIMSELF, IN TOP HAT AND TAILS.

MICHAEL, MR. SOPHISTICATION HIMSELF, IN TOP HAT AND TAILS. ONLY ISN'T MICHAEL WEARING ONE

HIMSELF, IN TOP HAT AND TAILS. ONLY ISN'T MICHAEL WEARING ONE TAIL TOO MANY?

ONLY ISN'T MICHAEL WEARING ONE TAIL TOO MANY? DON'T GET CAUGHT WITH A

TAIL TOO MANY? DON'T GET CAUGHT WITH A TOILET-PAPER TAIL.

DON'T GET CAUGHT WITH A TOILET-PAPER TAIL. TOILET PAPER SHOULD BE USED AND

TOILET-PAPER TAIL. TOILET PAPER SHOULD BE USED AND NOT WORN.

TOILET PAPER SHOULD BE USED AND NOT WORN. PEOPLE MIGHT THINK YOU WERE

NOT WORN. PEOPLE MIGHT THINK YOU WERE DOING IT AS A CHEAP JOKE.

PEOPLE MIGHT THINK YOU WERE DOING IT AS A CHEAP JOKE. UH, THANK YOU, MICHAEL.

DOING IT AS A CHEAP JOKE. UH, THANK YOU, MICHAEL. AND THANK YOU, TOO.

UH, THANK YOU, MICHAEL. AND THANK YOU, TOO. WEREN'T THEY WONDERFUL?

AND THANK YOU, TOO. WEREN'T THEY WONDERFUL? WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER

WEREN'T THEY WONDERFUL? WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS FILMED MESSAGE.

RIGHT NOW, I'M HAVING BRAIN SURGERY. RIGHT NOW, I'M HAVING A

SURGERY. RIGHT NOW, I'M HAVING A SPINAL FUSION.

RIGHT NOW, I'M HAVING A SPINAL FUSION. RIGHT NOW, I'M HAVING A

SPINAL FUSION. RIGHT NOW, I'M HAVING A VASECTOMY.

RIGHT NOW, I'M HAVING A VASECTOMY. "IMPOSSIBLE," YOU SAY.

VASECTOMY. "IMPOSSIBLE," YOU SAY. NOT WITH GOLDEN NEEDLES VOODOO

"IMPOSSIBLE," YOU SAY. NOT WITH GOLDEN NEEDLES VOODOO ACUPUNCTURE, THE AMAZING NEW

NOT WITH GOLDEN NEEDLES VOODOO ACUPUNCTURE, THE AMAZING NEW SCIENTIFIC BREAKTHROUGH THAT

ACUPUNCTURE, THE AMAZING NEW SCIENTIFIC BREAKTHROUGH THAT COMBINES THE ANCIENT ART OF

SCIENTIFIC BREAKTHROUGH THAT COMBINES THE ANCIENT ART OF CHINESE ACUPUNCTURE WITH THE

COMBINES THE ANCIENT ART OF CHINESE ACUPUNCTURE WITH THE MODERN CONVENIENCE OF HAITIAN

CHINESE ACUPUNCTURE WITH THE MODERN CONVENIENCE OF HAITIAN VOODOO.

MODERN CONVENIENCE OF HAITIAN VOODOO. IF YOU'RE LIKE ME, YOU JUST

VOODOO. IF YOU'RE LIKE ME, YOU JUST DON'T HAVE TIME TO MAKE FREQUENT

IF YOU'RE LIKE ME, YOU JUST DON'T HAVE TIME TO MAKE FREQUENT VISITS TO THE DOCTOR OR LIE

DON'T HAVE TIME TO MAKE FREQUENT VISITS TO THE DOCTOR OR LIE AROUND SOME EXPENSIVE HOSPITAL

VISITS TO THE DOCTOR OR LIE AROUND SOME EXPENSIVE HOSPITAL FOR WEEKS ON END.

AROUND SOME EXPENSIVE HOSPITAL FOR WEEKS ON END. BUT NOW, THANKS TO VOODOO

FOR WEEKS ON END. BUT NOW, THANKS TO VOODOO ACUPUNCTURE, MEDICAL ATTENTION

BUT NOW, THANKS TO VOODOO ACUPUNCTURE, MEDICAL ATTENTION IS AS CLOSE AS YOUR MAILBOX.

ACUPUNCTURE, MEDICAL ATTENTION IS AS CLOSE AS YOUR MAILBOX. SIMPLY JOT YOUR AILMENT DOWN AND

IS AS CLOSE AS YOUR MAILBOX. SIMPLY JOT YOUR AILMENT DOWN AND SEND IT WITH YOUR CHECK OR

SIMPLY JOT YOUR AILMENT DOWN AND SEND IT WITH YOUR CHECK OR MONEY ORDER TO...

SEND IT WITH YOUR CHECK OR MONEY ORDER TO... AND BE SURE TO ENCLOSE A LOCK OF

MONEY ORDER TO... AND BE SURE TO ENCLOSE A LOCK OF YOUR HAIR, A FEW FINGERNAIL

AND BE SURE TO ENCLOSE A LOCK OF YOUR HAIR, A FEW FINGERNAIL PARINGS, AND A RECENT PHOTO.

YOUR HAIR, A FEW FINGERNAIL PARINGS, AND A RECENT PHOTO. ON RECEIPT OF YOUR LETTER,

PARINGS, AND A RECENT PHOTO. ON RECEIPT OF YOUR LETTER, QUALIFIED NATIVE CULTISTS WILL

ON RECEIPT OF YOUR LETTER, QUALIFIED NATIVE CULTISTS WILL FASHION A WAX DOLL IN YOUR

QUALIFIED NATIVE CULTISTS WILL FASHION A WAX DOLL IN YOUR IMAGE, AND THEN A SKILLED

FASHION A WAX DOLL IN YOUR IMAGE, AND THEN A SKILLED CHINESE PHYSICIAN WILL STICK

IMAGE, AND THEN A SKILLED CHINESE PHYSICIAN WILL STICK HEALING PINS INTO THAT DOLL,

CHINESE PHYSICIAN WILL STICK HEALING PINS INTO THAT DOLL, SPEEDING INSTANT RELIEF TO YOU,

SPEEDING INSTANT RELIEF TO YOU, AND ALL FOR ONLY $39.95.

AND ALL FOR ONLY $39.95. THAT'S RIGHT... JUST $39.95 FOR

THAT'S RIGHT... JUST $39.95 FOR OPERATIONS COSTING UP TO $10,000

OPERATIONS COSTING UP TO $10,000 OR $15,000. SO, IF DOCTOR BILLS ARE GIVING

OR $15,000. SO, IF DOCTOR BILLS ARE GIVING YOU A HEADACHE, TRY TREATING

SO, IF DOCTOR BILLS ARE GIVING YOU A HEADACHE, TRY TREATING YOURSELF THE GOLDEN NEEDLES WAY.

YOU A HEADACHE, TRY TREATING YOURSELF THE GOLDEN NEEDLES WAY. THAT'S...

YOURSELF THE GOLDEN NEEDLES WAY. THAT'S... IN CASE OF MEDICAL

THAT'S... IN CASE OF MEDICAL EMERGENCIES, PRIORITY WILL BE

IN CASE OF MEDICAL EMERGENCIES, PRIORITY WILL BE GIVEN TO THE LETTER WITH THE

EMERGENCIES, PRIORITY WILL BE GIVEN TO THE LETTER WITH THE EARLIEST POSTMARK.

GIVEN TO THE LETTER WITH THE EARLIEST POSTMARK. [APPLAUSE]

EARLIEST POSTMARK. [APPLAUSE] LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

[APPLAUSE] LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ANDY KAUFMAN.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ANDY KAUFMAN. [APPLAUSE]

[INTRO TO "POP! GOES THE WEASEL" PLAYS] [Lip-synching] ♪ ALL AROUND

["POP! GOES THE WEASEL" PLAYS] [Lip-synching] ♪ ALL AROUND THE COBBLER'S BENCH ♪

[Lip-synching] ♪ ALL AROUND THE COBBLER'S BENCH ♪ ♪ THE MONKEY CHASED THE WEASEL ♪

THE COBBLER'S BENCH ♪ ♪ THE MONKEY CHASED THE WEASEL ♪ ♪ THE MONKEY THOUGHT

♪ THE MONKEY CHASED THE WEASEL ♪ ♪ THE MONKEY THOUGHT 'TWAS ALL IN FUN ♪

♪ THE MONKEY THOUGHT 'TWAS ALL IN FUN ♪ ♪ POP! GOES THE WEASEL ♪

'TWAS ALL IN FUN ♪ ♪ POP! GOES THE WEASEL ♪ ♪ I'VE NO TIME TO WAIT

♪ POP! GOES THE WEASEL ♪ ♪ I'VE NO TIME TO WAIT NOR SIGH ♪

♪ I'VE NO TIME TO WAIT NOR SIGH ♪ ♪ NO PATIENCE TO WAIT

NOR SIGH ♪ ♪ NO PATIENCE TO WAIT TILL BY-AND-BY ♪

♪ NO PATIENCE TO WAIT TILL BY-AND-BY ♪ ♪ KISS ME QUICK ♪

TILL BY-AND-BY ♪ ♪ KISS ME QUICK ♪ ♪ I'M OFF, GOODBYE ♪

♪ KISS ME QUICK ♪ ♪ I'M OFF, GOODBYE ♪ ♪ POP! GOES THE WEASEL ♪

♪ I'M OFF, GOODBYE ♪ ♪ POP! GOES THE WEASEL ♪ ♪ JOHNNY HAS

♪ POP! GOES THE WEASEL ♪ ♪ JOHNNY HAS THE WHOOPING COUGH ♪

♪ JOHNNY HAS THE WHOOPING COUGH ♪ ♪ MARY HAS THE MEASLES ♪

THE WHOOPING COUGH ♪ ♪ MARY HAS THE MEASLES ♪ ♪ THAT'S THE WAY

♪ MARY HAS THE MEASLES ♪ ♪ THAT'S THE WAY THE MONEY GOES ♪

♪ THAT'S THE WAY THE MONEY GOES ♪ ♪ POP! GOES THE WEASEL ♪

THE MONEY GOES ♪ ♪ POP! GOES THE WEASEL ♪ ♪ A PENNY FOR A SPOOL

♪ POP! GOES THE WEASEL ♪ ♪ A PENNY FOR A SPOOL OF THREAD ♪

♪ A PENNY FOR A SPOOL OF THREAD ♪ ♪ A PENNY FOR A NEEDLE ♪

OF THREAD ♪ ♪ A PENNY FOR A NEEDLE ♪ ♪ THAT'S THE WAY

♪ A PENNY FOR A NEEDLE ♪ ♪ THAT'S THE WAY THE MONEY GOES ♪

♪ THAT'S THE WAY THE MONEY GOES ♪ ♪ POP! GOES THE WEASEL ♪

THE MONEY GOES ♪ ♪ POP! GOES THE WEASEL ♪ DADDY, SHOULDN'T THAT WORD BE

♪ POP! GOES THE WEASEL ♪ DADDY, SHOULDN'T THAT WORD BE "MEASLE"?

DADDY, SHOULDN'T THAT WORD BE "MEASLE"? [Lip-synching] [CHUCKLES]

"MEASLE"? [Lip-synching] [CHUCKLES] WELL, YOU CATCH THE MEASLES.

[Lip-synching] [CHUCKLES] WELL, YOU CATCH THE MEASLES. YOU DON'T CATCH ONE MEASLES.

WELL, YOU CATCH THE MEASLES. YOU DON'T CATCH ONE MEASLES. BESIDES, NOT MANY WORDS RHYME

YOU DON'T CATCH ONE MEASLES. BESIDES, NOT MANY WORDS RHYME WITH "WEASEL."

BESIDES, NOT MANY WORDS RHYME WITH "WEASEL." HMM, LET ME SEE.

WITH "WEASEL." HMM, LET ME SEE. MAYBE DIESEL.

HMM, LET ME SEE. MAYBE DIESEL. LET'S MAKE SOME UP, LIKE THIS.

MAYBE DIESEL. LET'S MAKE SOME UP, LIKE THIS. ♪ EDDIE BOUGHT AN AEROPLANE ♪

LET'S MAKE SOME UP, LIKE THIS. ♪ EDDIE BOUGHT AN AEROPLANE ♪ ♪ AND DANNY BOUGHT A DIESEL ♪

♪ EDDIE BOUGHT AN AEROPLANE ♪ ♪ AND DANNY BOUGHT A DIESEL ♪ ♪ THEN THEY LEFT THEM

♪ AND DANNY BOUGHT A DIESEL ♪ ♪ THEN THEY LEFT THEM OUT IN THE RAIN ♪

♪ THEN THEY LEFT THEM OUT IN THE RAIN ♪ ♪ POP! GOES THE WEASEL ♪

OUT IN THE RAIN ♪ ♪ POP! GOES THE WEASEL ♪ ♪ JANIE HAD A COLD IN THE HEAD ♪

♪ POP! GOES THE WEASEL ♪ ♪ JANIE HAD A COLD IN THE HEAD ♪ ♪ SHE CAUGHT HERSELF

♪ JANIE HAD A COLD IN THE HEAD ♪ ♪ SHE CAUGHT HERSELF A SNEEZE-EL ♪

♪ SHE CAUGHT HERSELF A SNEEZE-EL ♪ ♪ SNEEZED HERSELF

A SNEEZE-EL ♪ ♪ SNEEZED HERSELF RIGHT OUT OF BED ♪

♪ SNEEZED HERSELF RIGHT OUT OF BED ♪ ♪ POP! GOES THE WEASEL ♪

RIGHT OUT OF BED ♪ ♪ POP! GOES THE WEASEL ♪ THAT WAS GOOD, DADDY.

♪ POP! GOES THE WEASEL ♪ THAT WAS GOOD, DADDY. LET ME DO THE SECOND PART NEXT

THAT WAS GOOD, DADDY. LET ME DO THE SECOND PART NEXT TIME, HUH?

LET ME DO THE SECOND PART NEXT TIME, HUH? [Lip-synching] SURE.

TIME, HUH? [Lip-synching] SURE. TRY IT.

[Lip-synching] SURE. TRY IT. ♪ POLLY PUSHED THE WINDOW UP ♪

TRY IT. ♪ POLLY PUSHED THE WINDOW UP ♪ ♪ TO LET IN A LITTLE BREEZE-EL ♪

♪ POLLY PUSHED THE WINDOW UP ♪ ♪ TO LET IN A LITTLE BREEZE-EL ♪ ♪ IT BLEW THE COFFEE

♪ TO LET IN A LITTLE BREEZE-EL ♪ ♪ IT BLEW THE COFFEE OUT OF HER CUP ♪

♪ IT BLEW THE COFFEE OUT OF HER CUP ♪ ♪ POP! GOES THE WEASEL ♪

OUT OF HER CUP ♪ ♪ POP! GOES THE WEASEL ♪ ♪ SO PETER PUSHED IT

♪ POP! GOES THE WEASEL ♪ ♪ SO PETER PUSHED IT DOWN AGAIN ♪

♪ SO PETER PUSHED IT DOWN AGAIN ♪ ♪ HIS NOSE BEGAN TO FREEZE-EL ♪

DOWN AGAIN ♪ ♪ HIS NOSE BEGAN TO FREEZE-EL ♪ ♪ HE USED IT

♪ HIS NOSE BEGAN TO FREEZE-EL ♪ ♪ HE USED IT FOR A FOUNTAIN PEN ♪

♪ HE USED IT FOR A FOUNTAIN PEN ♪ ♪ POP! GOES THE WEASEL ♪

FOR A FOUNTAIN PEN ♪ ♪ POP! GOES THE WEASEL ♪ [MUSIC CONTINUES]

[MUSIC STOPS] [LAUGHTER] [MUSIC RESUMES]

[LAUGHTER] [MUSIC RESUMES] [Lip-synching] ♪ IF YOU

[MUSIC RESUMES] [Lip-synching] ♪ IF YOU KNOW A NICE, LITTLE MOUSE ♪

[Lip-synching] ♪ IF YOU KNOW A NICE, LITTLE MOUSE ♪ ♪ GIVE IT A PIECE OF CHEESE-EL ♪

KNOW A NICE, LITTLE MOUSE ♪ ♪ GIVE IT A PIECE OF CHEESE-EL ♪ ♪ YOU'LL NEVER GET IT

♪ GIVE IT A PIECE OF CHEESE-EL ♪ ♪ YOU'LL NEVER GET IT OUT OF YOUR HOUSE ♪

♪ YOU'LL NEVER GET IT OUT OF YOUR HOUSE ♪ ♪ POP! GOES THE WEASEL ♪

OUT OF YOUR HOUSE ♪ ♪ POP! GOES THE WEASEL ♪ ♪ EXCUSE YOURSELF

♪ POP! GOES THE WEASEL ♪ ♪ EXCUSE YOURSELF WHENEVER YOU'RE WRONG ♪

♪ EXCUSE YOURSELF WHENEVER YOU'RE WRONG ♪ ♪ THANK YOU, SIR,

WHENEVER YOU'RE WRONG ♪ ♪ THANK YOU, SIR, AND PLEASE-EL ♪

♪ THANK YOU, SIR, AND PLEASE-EL ♪ Both: ♪ WASN'T THAT

AND PLEASE-EL ♪ Both: ♪ WASN'T THAT A CRAZY SONG? ♪

Both: ♪ WASN'T THAT A CRAZY SONG? ♪ ♪ POP! ♪

A CRAZY SONG? ♪ ♪ POP! ♪ ♪ GOES THE WEASEL ♪

♪ POP! ♪ ♪ GOES THE WEASEL ♪ [APPLAUSE]

HI, I'M JANE CURTIN, AND WELCOME TO ANOTHER EDITION OF "DANGEROUS BUT INEPT."

WELCOME TO ANOTHER EDITION OF "DANGEROUS BUT INEPT." OUR GUEST THIS WEEK IS

"DANGEROUS BUT INEPT." OUR GUEST THIS WEEK IS SQUEAKY, INFAMOUS FOR HER

OUR GUEST THIS WEEK IS SQUEAKY, INFAMOUS FOR HER ALLEGED ATTEMPT ON THE

SQUEAKY, INFAMOUS FOR HER ALLEGED ATTEMPT ON THE PRESIDENT'S LIFE AND FOR HER

ALLEGED ATTEMPT ON THE PRESIDENT'S LIFE AND FOR HER CONNECTION WITH THE MANSON

PRESIDENT'S LIFE AND FOR HER CONNECTION WITH THE MANSON FAMILY.

CONNECTION WITH THE MANSON FAMILY. SQUEAKY, WELCOME.

FAMILY. SQUEAKY, WELCOME. DIE, LACKEY PIG.

SQUEAKY, WELCOME. DIE, LACKEY PIG. [GUN HAMMER CLICKS]

DIE, LACKEY PIG. [GUN HAMMER CLICKS] ONE THING I'M SURE OUR

[GUN HAMMER CLICKS] ONE THING I'M SURE OUR VIEWERS WOULD BE INTERESTED IN

ONE THING I'M SURE OUR VIEWERS WOULD BE INTERESTED IN KNOWING IS JUST HOW YOU CAME TO

VIEWERS WOULD BE INTERESTED IN KNOWING IS JUST HOW YOU CAME TO BE CALLED "SQUEAKY."

KNOWING IS JUST HOW YOU CAME TO BE CALLED "SQUEAKY." IS THAT A NICKNAME CHARLIE GAVE

BE CALLED "SQUEAKY." IS THAT A NICKNAME CHARLIE GAVE YOU?

IS THAT A NICKNAME CHARLIE GAVE YOU? HE ISN'T "CHARLIE."

YOU? HE ISN'T "CHARLIE." HE'S THE HOLY REDEEMER,

HE ISN'T "CHARLIE." HE'S THE HOLY REDEEMER, BOURGEOIS HOG-FACE.

HE'S THE HOLY REDEEMER, BOURGEOIS HOG-FACE. MEET YOUR MAKER.

BOURGEOIS HOG-FACE. MEET YOUR MAKER. [GUN HAMMER CLICKS]

MEET YOUR MAKER. [GUN HAMMER CLICKS] SQUEAKY...

[GUN HAMMER CLICKS] SQUEAKY... YOU, UH, MADE AN ALLEGED ATTEMPT

SQUEAKY... YOU, UH, MADE AN ALLEGED ATTEMPT ON THE PRESIDENT'S LIFE...

YOU, UH, MADE AN ALLEGED ATTEMPT ON THE PRESIDENT'S LIFE... FAWNING FASCIST SYCOPHANT.

ON THE PRESIDENT'S LIFE... FAWNING FASCIST SYCOPHANT. MAKE WAY FOR THE TRUE

FAWNING FASCIST SYCOPHANT. MAKE WAY FOR THE TRUE REVOLUTION, YOU RAT-DOG.

MAKE WAY FOR THE TRUE REVOLUTION, YOU RAT-DOG. [GUN HAMMER CLICKS]

REVOLUTION, YOU RAT-DOG. [GUN HAMMER CLICKS] SO WHAT IF CHARLIE'S SHORT?

[GUN HAMMER CLICKS] SO WHAT IF CHARLIE'S SHORT? HE'S GOOD AND HE'S KIND, AND HE

SO WHAT IF CHARLIE'S SHORT? HE'S GOOD AND HE'S KIND, AND HE ONLY KILLS WHAT HE EATS!

HE'S GOOD AND HE'S KIND, AND HE ONLY KILLS WHAT HE EATS! JOIN US AGAIN NEXT WEEK FOR

ONLY KILLS WHAT HE EATS! JOIN US AGAIN NEXT WEEK FOR ANOTHER EDITION OF "DANGEROUS

JOIN US AGAIN NEXT WEEK FOR ANOTHER EDITION OF "DANGEROUS BUT INEPT" FOR A CHAT WITH

ANOTHER EDITION OF "DANGEROUS BUT INEPT" FOR A CHAT WITH SARA JANE MOORE.

BUT INEPT" FOR A CHAT WITH SARA JANE MOORE. EAT LEAD.

SARA JANE MOORE. EAT LEAD. [GUN HAMMER CLICKS]

EAT LEAD. [GUN HAMMER CLICKS] GOOD NIGHT.

WE HAVE A CAT FOOD SO GOOD THAT YOU CAN'T TELL IT'S CAT FOOD.

THAT YOU CAN'T TELL IT'S CAT FOOD. AND WE'RE HERE IN FORT FRANCIS,

FOOD. AND WE'RE HERE IN FORT FRANCIS, MISSOURI, TO PROVE IT.

AND WE'RE HERE IN FORT FRANCIS, MISSOURI, TO PROVE IT. HI, I'M TV's ROSS POTTER AT

MISSOURI, TO PROVE IT. HI, I'M TV's ROSS POTTER AT MEL'S VALUE KING FOR FELINA

HI, I'M TV's ROSS POTTER AT MEL'S VALUE KING FOR FELINA KITCHENS.

MEL'S VALUE KING FOR FELINA KITCHENS. WE'VE PREPARED TWO IDENTICAL

KITCHENS. WE'VE PREPARED TWO IDENTICAL CASSEROLES.

WE'VE PREPARED TWO IDENTICAL CASSEROLES. THE ONLY DIFFERENCE... THE ONE

CASSEROLES. THE ONLY DIFFERENCE... THE ONE WAS MADE WITH 80 CENTS' WORTH OF

THE ONLY DIFFERENCE... THE ONE WAS MADE WITH 80 CENTS' WORTH OF EXPENSIVE CANNED TUNA, THE

WAS MADE WITH 80 CENTS' WORTH OF EXPENSIVE CANNED TUNA, THE OTHER, WITH 40 CENTS' WORTH OF

EXPENSIVE CANNED TUNA, THE OTHER, WITH 40 CENTS' WORTH OF FELINA CAT FOOD.

MRS. FRAN BARTMAN, WOULD YOU

TASTE THESE TWO CASSEROLES AND

TELL US WHICH ONE YOU PREFER?

IT'S GOOD. AND NOW THE OTHER. MMM, THIS IS BETTER.

AND NOW THE OTHER. MMM, THIS IS BETTER. TELL ME, HOW DOES THIS

MMM, THIS IS BETTER. TELL ME, HOW DOES THIS COMPARE WITH YOUR TUNA CASSEROLE

TELL ME, HOW DOES THIS COMPARE WITH YOUR TUNA CASSEROLE AT HOME?

COMPARE WITH YOUR TUNA CASSEROLE AT HOME? IT'S, UM... CHUNKIER AND, UH,

AT HOME? IT'S, UM... CHUNKIER AND, UH, CREAMIER.

IT'S, UM... CHUNKIER AND, UH, CREAMIER. IT HAS A HIGHER TUNA-TO-NOODLE

CREAMIER. IT HAS A HIGHER TUNA-TO-NOODLE RATIO.

IT HAS A HIGHER TUNA-TO-NOODLE RATIO. MRS. BARTMAN, WOULD YOU SERVE

RATIO. MRS. BARTMAN, WOULD YOU SERVE THIS TO YOUR FAMILY AT HOME?

MRS. BARTMAN, WOULD YOU SERVE THIS TO YOUR FAMILY AT HOME? YES, I WOULD.

THIS TO YOUR FAMILY AT HOME? YES, I WOULD. I WILL.

YES, I WOULD. I WILL. WHAT WOULD YOU SAY,

I WILL. WHAT WOULD YOU SAY, MRS. BARTMAN, IF I TOLD YOU THAT

WHAT WOULD YOU SAY, MRS. BARTMAN, IF I TOLD YOU THAT THIS CASSEROLE WAS MADE WITH THE

MRS. BARTMAN, IF I TOLD YOU THAT THIS CASSEROLE WAS MADE WITH THE EXPENSIVE TUNA WHILE THIS

THIS CASSEROLE WAS MADE WITH THE EXPENSIVE TUNA WHILE THIS CASSEROLE... THE ONE THAT YOU

EXPENSIVE TUNA WHILE THIS CASSEROLE... THE ONE THAT YOU PREFER... WAS MADE WITH...

CASSEROLE... THE ONE THAT YOU PREFER... WAS MADE WITH... FELINA CAT FOOD?

FELINA CAT FOOD... SO GOOD THAT

YOUR CAT WILL BE TEMPTED TO EAT

IT WITH A FORK.

Announcer: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE LOCKERS. [DANCE MUSIC PLAYS]

[MUSIC STOPS] WE DON'T NEED NO MUSIC! WE DON'T NEED NO MUSIC!

WE DON'T NEED NO MUSIC! WE DON'T NEED NO MUSIC! I GUESS WE DON'T NEED NO

WE DON'T NEED NO MUSIC! I GUESS WE DON'T NEED NO MUSIC.

I GUESS WE DON'T NEED NO MUSIC. ♪ UH-UH, UH-UH, UH ♪

MUSIC. ♪ UH-UH, UH-UH, UH ♪ HEY, COME ON, MAN.

♪ UH-UH, UH-UH, UH ♪ HEY, COME ON, MAN. WE'RE JAMMIN' AROUND.

HEY, COME ON, MAN. WE'RE JAMMIN' AROUND. AW, MAN, I'M TIRED.

WE'RE JAMMIN' AROUND. AW, MAN, I'M TIRED. WHAT DO YOU WANT?

AW, MAN, I'M TIRED. WHAT DO YOU WANT? HEY!

WHAT DO YOU WANT? HEY! ♪ BA DA DA ♪

HEY! ♪ BA DA DA ♪ BA BA!

♪ BA DA DA ♪ BA BA! HEY, GET DOWN.

BA BA! HEY, GET DOWN. ALL RIGHT.

HEY, GET DOWN. ALL RIGHT. HEY, ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT. HEY, ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT, NOW.

HEY, ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT, NOW. I LIKE THAT.

ALL RIGHT, NOW. I LIKE THAT. HEY!

I LIKE THAT. HEY! HEY!

HEY! HEY! HEY!

HEY! HEY! HEY!

HEY! HEY! NOW, SHABBA-DOO!

HEY! NOW, SHABBA-DOO! All: SHABBA-DOO!

NOW, SHABBA-DOO! All: SHABBA-DOO! HEY, GET DOWN.

All: SHABBA-DOO! HEY, GET DOWN. HEY, IT'S UP TO YOU, SHABBA-DOO.

HEY, GET DOWN. HEY, IT'S UP TO YOU, SHABBA-DOO. WE KNOW WHO YOU ARE,

HEY, IT'S UP TO YOU, SHABBA-DOO. WE KNOW WHO YOU ARE, SHABBA-DOO!

WE KNOW WHO YOU ARE, SHABBA-DOO! OH, GIVE ME A BREAK.

SHABBA-DOO! OH, GIVE ME A BREAK. COME ON, END IT, WILL YOU?

OH, GIVE ME A BREAK. COME ON, END IT, WILL YOU? UH, MMM!

COME ON, END IT, WILL YOU? UH, MMM! [FINALE PLAYS]

UH, MMM! [FINALE PLAYS] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: FROM "SATURDAY NIGHT" NEWS HEADQUARTERS, THIS IS "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH

NIGHT" NEWS HEADQUARTERS, THIS IS "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH CHEVY CHASE.

IS "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH CHEVY CHASE. YOU UNDER THE COVERS RIGHT

CHEVY CHASE. YOU UNDER THE COVERS RIGHT NOW?

YOU UNDER THE COVERS RIGHT NOW? DID YOU SHOWER?

NOW? DID YOU SHOWER? [High-pitched voice] GOOD...

DID YOU SHOWER? [High-pitched voice] GOOD... [Normal voice] GOOD EVENING.

[High-pitched voice] GOOD... [Normal voice] GOOD EVENING. I'M CHEVY CHASE.

[Normal voice] GOOD EVENING. I'M CHEVY CHASE. THE TOP STORY IS, OF COURSE, THE

I'M CHEVY CHASE. THE TOP STORY IS, OF COURSE, THE GOOD NEWS THAT PRESIDENT FORD IS

THE TOP STORY IS, OF COURSE, THE GOOD NEWS THAT PRESIDENT FORD IS OVER THAT WEEKLONG BOUT WITH

GOOD NEWS THAT PRESIDENT FORD IS OVER THAT WEEKLONG BOUT WITH THAT STUBBORN COLD.

OVER THAT WEEKLONG BOUT WITH THAT STUBBORN COLD. WHITE HOUSE PHYSICIANS SAY THAT

THAT STUBBORN COLD. WHITE HOUSE PHYSICIANS SAY THAT AFTER A MILD COLD OF THAT SORT,

WHITE HOUSE PHYSICIANS SAY THAT AFTER A MILD COLD OF THAT SORT, IT WILL TAKE THE PRESIDENT A FEW

AFTER A MILD COLD OF THAT SORT, IT WILL TAKE THE PRESIDENT A FEW DAYS TO RECOVER HIS MOTOR SKILLS

IT WILL TAKE THE PRESIDENT A FEW DAYS TO RECOVER HIS MOTOR SKILLS FULLY, CITING THE PERIOD AFTER

DAYS TO RECOVER HIS MOTOR SKILLS FULLY, CITING THE PERIOD AFTER HIS LAST COLD, WHEN HE TIED HIS

FULLY, CITING THE PERIOD AFTER HIS LAST COLD, WHEN HE TIED HIS SHOE TO HIS HAIR BLOWER AND

HIS LAST COLD, WHEN HE TIED HIS SHOE TO HIS HAIR BLOWER AND INADVERTENTLY PARDONED

SHOE TO HIS HAIR BLOWER AND INADVERTENTLY PARDONED RICHARD NIXON.

INADVERTENTLY PARDONED RICHARD NIXON. ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL,

RICHARD NIXON. ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL, GOVERNOR GEORGE WALLACE

ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL, GOVERNOR GEORGE WALLACE EXPRESSED DISAPPOINTMENT THAT

GOVERNOR GEORGE WALLACE EXPRESSED DISAPPOINTMENT THAT THE POPE WOULD NOT GRANT HIM AN

EXPRESSED DISAPPOINTMENT THAT THE POPE WOULD NOT GRANT HIM AN AUDIENCE.

THE POPE WOULD NOT GRANT HIM AN AUDIENCE. THE VATICAN HAS STATED THAT THE

AUDIENCE. THE VATICAN HAS STATED THAT THE POPE SIMPLY DID NOT KNOW WHO

THE VATICAN HAS STATED THAT THE POPE SIMPLY DID NOT KNOW WHO WALLACE WAS, POINTING OUT THAT

POPE SIMPLY DID NOT KNOW WHO WALLACE WAS, POINTING OUT THAT HANDICAPPED PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS

WALLACE WAS, POINTING OUT THAT HANDICAPPED PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS KNOCKING ON HIS DOOR.

HANDICAPPED PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS KNOCKING ON HIS DOOR. STARTING A SPEAKING TOUR THIS

KNOCKING ON HIS DOOR. STARTING A SPEAKING TOUR THIS WEEK, FORMER GOVERNOR

STARTING A SPEAKING TOUR THIS WEEK, FORMER GOVERNOR RONALD REAGAN SPOKE OUT AGAINST

WEEK, FORMER GOVERNOR RONALD REAGAN SPOKE OUT AGAINST MARIJUANA, ABORTION, EQUAL

RONALD REAGAN SPOKE OUT AGAINST MARIJUANA, ABORTION, EQUAL RIGHTS AMENDMENT, BUSING, AND

MARIJUANA, ABORTION, EQUAL RIGHTS AMENDMENT, BUSING, AND GUN-CONTROL LEGISLATION.

RIGHTS AMENDMENT, BUSING, AND GUN-CONTROL LEGISLATION. WHEN ASKED WHAT HE WAS FOR,

GUN-CONTROL LEGISLATION. WHEN ASKED WHAT HE WAS FOR, REAGAN REPLIED, "HAIR DYE."

WHEN ASKED WHAT HE WAS FOR, REAGAN REPLIED, "HAIR DYE." REAGAN STATED THAT, LIKE

REAGAN REPLIED, "HAIR DYE." REAGAN STATED THAT, LIKE WALLACE, HE WAS ALSO CONSIDERING

REAGAN STATED THAT, LIKE WALLACE, HE WAS ALSO CONSIDERING CAMPAIGNING IN A WHEELCHAIR,

WALLACE, HE WAS ALSO CONSIDERING CAMPAIGNING IN A WHEELCHAIR, SAYING, "IT'S NOT FOR THE

CAMPAIGNING IN A WHEELCHAIR, SAYING, "IT'S NOT FOR THE SYMPATHY I CAN GET.

SAYING, "IT'S NOT FOR THE SYMPATHY I CAN GET. IT JUST MAKES THE RACE MORE

SYMPATHY I CAN GET. IT JUST MAKES THE RACE MORE FAIR."

IT JUST MAKES THE RACE MORE FAIR." KINGS ISLAND, OHIO.

FAIR." KINGS ISLAND, OHIO. THIS AFTERNOON, EVEL KNIEVEL

KINGS ISLAND, OHIO. THIS AFTERNOON, EVEL KNIEVEL SUCCESSFULLY JUMPED HIS

THIS AFTERNOON, EVEL KNIEVEL SUCCESSFULLY JUMPED HIS HARLEY-DAVIDSON MOTORCYCLE OVER

SUCCESSFULLY JUMPED HIS HARLEY-DAVIDSON MOTORCYCLE OVER 14 GREYHOUND BUSES.

HARLEY-DAVIDSON MOTORCYCLE OVER 14 GREYHOUND BUSES. EVEL WILL ATTEMPT TO JUMP A

14 GREYHOUND BUSES. EVEL WILL ATTEMPT TO JUMP A GREYHOUND BUS OVER

EVEL WILL ATTEMPT TO JUMP A GREYHOUND BUS OVER FRED MacMURRAY AND HIS ENTIRE

GREYHOUND BUS OVER FRED MacMURRAY AND HIS ENTIRE FAMILY NEXT WEEK.

FRED MacMURRAY AND HIS ENTIRE FAMILY NEXT WEEK. SIRHAN SIRHAN, CONVICTED

FAMILY NEXT WEEK. SIRHAN SIRHAN, CONVICTED ASSASSIN, HAS CHANGED HIS NAME

SIRHAN SIRHAN, CONVICTED ASSASSIN, HAS CHANGED HIS NAME TO SIRHAN SIRHAN SIRHAN.

ASSASSIN, HAS CHANGED HIS NAME TO SIRHAN SIRHAN SIRHAN. HE GAVE NO REASON FOR THIS

TO SIRHAN SIRHAN SIRHAN. HE GAVE NO REASON FOR THIS DECISION.

HE GAVE NO REASON FOR THIS DECISION. WELL, MORE TROUBLE AT THE

DECISION. WELL, MORE TROUBLE AT THE BLAINE HOTEL IN MIDTOWN

WELL, MORE TROUBLE AT THE BLAINE HOTEL IN MIDTOWN MANHATTAN, WHERE THREE

BLAINE HOTEL IN MIDTOWN MANHATTAN, WHERE THREE KIDNAPPERS HAVE BEEN HOLDING A

MANHATTAN, WHERE THREE KIDNAPPERS HAVE BEEN HOLDING A HOSTAGE FOR SOME 20 HOURS NOW.

KIDNAPPERS HAVE BEEN HOLDING A HOSTAGE FOR SOME 20 HOURS NOW. FOR AN ON-THE-SPOT REPORT, LET'S

HOSTAGE FOR SOME 20 HOURS NOW. FOR AN ON-THE-SPOT REPORT, LET'S GO LIVE TO LARAINE NEWMAN AT THE

FOR AN ON-THE-SPOT REPORT, LET'S GO LIVE TO LARAINE NEWMAN AT THE BLAINE HOTEL.

GO LIVE TO LARAINE NEWMAN AT THE BLAINE HOTEL. LARAINE?

BLAINE HOTEL. LARAINE? CHEVY, I'M STANDING OUTSIDE A

LARAINE? CHEVY, I'M STANDING OUTSIDE A ROOM ON THE 18th FLOOR OF THE

CHEVY, I'M STANDING OUTSIDE A ROOM ON THE 18th FLOOR OF THE BLAINE HOTEL, WHERE A GROUP OF

ROOM ON THE 18th FLOOR OF THE BLAINE HOTEL, WHERE A GROUP OF TERRORISTS CALLING THEMSELVES,

BLAINE HOTEL, WHERE A GROUP OF TERRORISTS CALLING THEMSELVES, STRANGELY ENOUGH, SIMPLY

TERRORISTS CALLING THEMSELVES, STRANGELY ENOUGH, SIMPLY "BLOWFISH" ARE HOLDING SEVERAL

STRANGELY ENOUGH, SIMPLY "BLOWFISH" ARE HOLDING SEVERAL HOSTAGES.

"BLOWFISH" ARE HOLDING SEVERAL HOSTAGES. INEXPLICABLY, THEY HAVE INSISTED

HOSTAGES. INEXPLICABLY, THEY HAVE INSISTED THAT FAMED TELEVISION-GAME-SHOW

INEXPLICABLY, THEY HAVE INSISTED THAT FAMED TELEVISION-GAME-SHOW ANNOUNCER DON PARDO READ OFF

THAT FAMED TELEVISION-GAME-SHOW ANNOUNCER DON PARDO READ OFF THEIR LIST OF RANSOM DEMANDS ON

ANNOUNCER DON PARDO READ OFF THEIR LIST OF RANSOM DEMANDS ON NATIONAL TELEVISION.

THEIR LIST OF RANSOM DEMANDS ON NATIONAL TELEVISION. OH, THE DOOR TO THE ROOM APPEARS

NATIONAL TELEVISION. OH, THE DOOR TO THE ROOM APPEARS TO BE OPENING.

OH, THE DOOR TO THE ROOM APPEARS TO BE OPENING. TELL US WHAT THEY WANT,

TO BE OPENING. TELL US WHAT THEY WANT, DON PARDO.

Announcer: LARAINE, THE

KIDNAPPERS WANT TO BE

TRANSPORTED ON ONE OF GOTHAM

CHOPPERS'S QUIET AND COMFORTABLE

EXECUTIVE HELICOPTERS TO KENNEDY

AIRPORT.

GOTHAM... FOR THE LIFT OF A

LIFETIME.

AND WHILE AT KENNEDY, THEY'LL

RECEIVE THREE COMPLETE SETS OF

TRAV-KING AIR-MATE MODEL

CARRYALL LUGGAGE, LARAINE.

AND THEY'LL FLY ON BRITISH

PACIFIC AIRWAYS'S LUXURIOUS

SUNTASTER FANJET TO HAVANA,

CUBA, THE CARIBBEAN'S

UNCHALLENGING ISLAND PARADISE.

AND, LARAINE, THEY'LL BOARD THAT

JET ON 30 SQUARE YARDS OF

BRASLAND CARPET... THEIR CHOICE

OF 16 COLORS AND PATTERNS.

AND WHILE RECEIVING ASYLUM IN

HAVANA, THE KIDNAPPERS WILL STAY

IN THE SUMPTUOUS IMPERIAL SUITE

IN HAVANA'S PLUSH GUEVERA BEACH

HOTEL!

AND THEY'LL BE WEARING THESE

GUIDO SLACKS WHEN THEY DEMAND $2

MILLION WORTH OF REMCO PURE,

REFINED GOLD BULLION FROM FIRST

CITY BANKERS NATIONAL AND REMCO,

GOLD PROCESSORS FOR OVER 50

YEARS!

LARAINE?

AND THAT'S THE WAY IT IS AT THE BLAINE HOTEL. BACK TO YOU, CHEVY CHASE.

THE BLAINE HOTEL. BACK TO YOU, CHEVY CHASE. STILL TO COME, EARTHQUAKE...

BACK TO YOU, CHEVY CHASE. STILL TO COME, EARTHQUAKE... FRIEND OR FOE?

STILL TO COME, EARTHQUAKE... FRIEND OR FOE? SWITZERLAND DECLARES WAR ON

FRIEND OR FOE? SWITZERLAND DECLARES WAR ON ITSELF, AND RUDOLPH HESS PLANS A

SWITZERLAND DECLARES WAR ON ITSELF, AND RUDOLPH HESS PLANS A HALLOWEEN PARTY.

ITSELF, AND RUDOLPH HESS PLANS A HALLOWEEN PARTY. AFTER THIS FILMED MESSAGE.

HALLOWEEN PARTY. AFTER THIS FILMED MESSAGE. [DOORBELL RINGS]

AFTER THIS FILMED MESSAGE. [DOORBELL RINGS] YOU'RE MOVING.

[DOORBELL RINGS] YOU'RE MOVING. SAYING GOODBYE TO OLD FRIENDS,

YOU'RE MOVING. SAYING GOODBYE TO OLD FRIENDS, LOOKING FORWARD TO MAKING NEW

SAYING GOODBYE TO OLD FRIENDS, LOOKING FORWARD TO MAKING NEW ONES.

LOOKING FORWARD TO MAKING NEW ONES. IT'S NOT ALWAYS EASY TO LEAVE A

ONES. IT'S NOT ALWAYS EASY TO LEAVE A PLACE YOU LOVE.

IT'S NOT ALWAYS EASY TO LEAVE A PLACE YOU LOVE. WE UNDERSTAND.

PLACE YOU LOVE. WE UNDERSTAND. THAT'S WHY WE TAKE GOOD CARE OF

WE UNDERSTAND. THAT'S WHY WE TAKE GOOD CARE OF THE THINGS YOU CARE FOR MOST.

THAT'S WHY WE TAKE GOOD CARE OF THE THINGS YOU CARE FOR MOST. AT MIDDLE AMERICAN VAN LINES, WE

THE THINGS YOU CARE FOR MOST. AT MIDDLE AMERICAN VAN LINES, WE BELIEVE IN DOING THINGS RIGHT.

AT MIDDLE AMERICAN VAN LINES, WE BELIEVE IN DOING THINGS RIGHT. WE TREAT EVERYTHING THAT BELONGS

BELIEVE IN DOING THINGS RIGHT. WE TREAT EVERYTHING THAT BELONGS TO YOU JUST AS THOUGH IT

WE TREAT EVERYTHING THAT BELONGS TO YOU JUST AS THOUGH IT BELONGED TO US.

TO YOU JUST AS THOUGH IT BELONGED TO US. WE GIVE YOUR MOST PRIZED

BELONGED TO US. WE GIVE YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSIONS THE ATTENTION THEY

WE GIVE YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSIONS THE ATTENTION THEY DESERVE, AND WE MAKE SURE YOUR

POSSESSIONS THE ATTENTION THEY DESERVE, AND WE MAKE SURE YOUR ENTIRE HOUSEHOLD REACHES ITS

DESERVE, AND WE MAKE SURE YOUR ENTIRE HOUSEHOLD REACHES ITS DESTINATION IN ONE PIECE.

AT MIDDLE AMERICAN VAN LINES... WE DON'T MOVE FURNITURE. WE MOVE PEOPLE.

WE DON'T MOVE FURNITURE. WE MOVE PEOPLE. Announcer: GUESTS OF

WE MOVE PEOPLE. Announcer: GUESTS OF "SATURDAY NIGHT" STAY AT THE

Announcer: GUESTS OF "SATURDAY NIGHT" STAY AT THE FABULOUS BLAINE HOTEL IN MIDTOWN

"SATURDAY NIGHT" STAY AT THE FABULOUS BLAINE HOTEL IN MIDTOWN MANHATTAN, A NEW YORK TRADITION

FABULOUS BLAINE HOTEL IN MIDTOWN MANHATTAN, A NEW YORK TRADITION FOR OVER 50 YEARS.

MANHATTAN, A NEW YORK TRADITION FOR OVER 50 YEARS. ACID INDIGESTION IN THE NEWS.

FOR OVER 50 YEARS. ACID INDIGESTION IN THE NEWS. THE SIGNING OF A JOINT

ACID INDIGESTION IN THE NEWS. THE SIGNING OF A JOINT COMMUNIQUé BETWEEN GREAT BRITAIN

THE SIGNING OF A JOINT COMMUNIQUé BETWEEN GREAT BRITAIN AND SAUDI ARABIA WAS HELD UP

COMMUNIQUé BETWEEN GREAT BRITAIN AND SAUDI ARABIA WAS HELD UP WEDNESDAY WHEN PRIME MINISTER

AND SAUDI ARABIA WAS HELD UP WEDNESDAY WHEN PRIME MINISTER HAROLD WILSON BECAME SICK TO HIS

WEDNESDAY WHEN PRIME MINISTER HAROLD WILSON BECAME SICK TO HIS STOMACH AND THREW UP ON THE

HAROLD WILSON BECAME SICK TO HIS STOMACH AND THREW UP ON THE PAPERS AT THE CEREMONY.

STOMACH AND THREW UP ON THE PAPERS AT THE CEREMONY. REFERRING TO THE INCIDENT LATER,

PAPERS AT THE CEREMONY. REFERRING TO THE INCIDENT LATER, THE PRIME MINISTER SAID, "PHEW!"

REFERRING TO THE INCIDENT LATER, THE PRIME MINISTER SAID, "PHEW!" AND NOW, AS A PUBLIC SERVICE TO

THE PRIME MINISTER SAID, "PHEW!" AND NOW, AS A PUBLIC SERVICE TO THOSE OF OUR VIEWERS WHO HAVE

AND NOW, AS A PUBLIC SERVICE TO THOSE OF OUR VIEWERS WHO HAVE DIFFICULTY WITH THEIR HEARING, I

THOSE OF OUR VIEWERS WHO HAVE DIFFICULTY WITH THEIR HEARING, I WILL REPEAT THE TOP STORY OF THE

DIFFICULTY WITH THEIR HEARING, I WILL REPEAT THE TOP STORY OF THE DAY AIDED BY THE HEADMASTER OF

WILL REPEAT THE TOP STORY OF THE DAY AIDED BY THE HEADMASTER OF THE NEW YORK SCHOOL FOR THE

DAY AIDED BY THE HEADMASTER OF THE NEW YORK SCHOOL FOR THE HARD-OF-HEARING,

THE NEW YORK SCHOOL FOR THE HARD-OF-HEARING, MR. GARRETT MORRIS.

HARD-OF-HEARING, MR. GARRETT MORRIS. OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT.

OUR TOP STORY!

PRESIDENT FORD OVERCOMES HIS

STUBBORN, WEEKLONG COLD!

WELL, THAT'S THE NEWS TONIGHT. I'M CHEVY CHASE.

TONIGHT. I'M CHEVY CHASE. GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT

I'M CHEVY CHASE. GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW.

GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW. A GUY WHO JUST FLEW IN FROM

TOMORROW. A GUY WHO JUST FLEW IN FROM LONDON, HE'S A SUPER ROCK STAR.

A GUY WHO JUST FLEW IN FROM LONDON, HE'S A SUPER ROCK STAR. HE NEEDS NO INTRODUCTION.

LONDON, HE'S A SUPER ROCK STAR. HE NEEDS NO INTRODUCTION. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, HERE HE

HE NEEDS NO INTRODUCTION. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, HERE HE IS.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, HERE HE IS. [BAND PLAYING "WITH A LITTLE

IS. [BAND PLAYING "WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS"]

♪ WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF I SANG OUT OF TUNE? ♪ ♪ WOULD YOU STAND UP AND WALK

OUT OF TUNE? ♪ ♪ WOULD YOU STAND UP AND WALK OUT ON ME? ♪

♪ WOULD YOU STAND UP AND WALK OUT ON ME? ♪ ♪ LEND ME YOUR EAR AND I'LL ♪

OUT ON ME? ♪ ♪ LEND ME YOUR EAR AND I'LL ♪ ♪ I'LL SING YOU A SONG ♪

♪ LEND ME YOUR EAR AND I'LL ♪ ♪ I'LL SING YOU A SONG ♪ ♪ OH, I WILL TRY NOT TO SING OUT

♪ I'LL SING YOU A SONG ♪ ♪ OH, I WILL TRY NOT TO SING OUT OF KEY ♪

♪ OH, I WILL TRY NOT TO SING OUT OF KEY ♪ ♪ OH, BABY, I GET ♪

OF KEY ♪ ♪ OH, BABY, I GET ♪ ♪ BY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM

♪ OH, BABY, I GET ♪ ♪ BY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS ♪

♪ BY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS ♪ ♪ WELL, DON'T YOU KNOW I'M

MY FRIENDS ♪ ♪ WELL, DON'T YOU KNOW I'M GONNA GET ♪

♪ WELL, DON'T YOU KNOW I'M GONNA GET ♪ ♪ HIGH WITH A LITTLE HELP

GONNA GET ♪ ♪ HIGH WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS ♪

♪ HIGH WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS ♪ ♪ DON'T YOU KNOW I'M GONNA

FROM MY FRIENDS ♪ ♪ DON'T YOU KNOW I'M GONNA GET MY FRIENDS ♪

♪ DON'T YOU KNOW I'M GONNA GET MY FRIENDS ♪ ♪ TRY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM

GET MY FRIENDS ♪ ♪ TRY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS ♪

♪ TRY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS ♪ ♪ OHHHH, YEAH! ♪

MY FRIENDS ♪ ♪ OHHHH, YEAH! ♪ ♪ OHHH ♪

♪ OHHHH, YEAH! ♪ ♪ OHHH ♪ ♪ WHAT DO I DO WHEN MY LOVE IS

♪ OHHH ♪ ♪ WHAT DO I DO WHEN MY LOVE IS AWAY? ♪

♪ WHAT DO I DO WHEN MY LOVE IS AWAY? ♪ ♪ DOES IT WORRY YOU TO BE

AWAY? ♪ ♪ DOES IT WORRY YOU TO BE ALONE? ♪

♪ DOES IT WORRY YOU TO BE ALONE? ♪ ♪ OH, NO ♪

ALONE? ♪ ♪ OH, NO ♪ ♪ HOW DO I FEEL AT THE END OF

♪ OH, NO ♪ ♪ HOW DO I FEEL AT THE END OF THE DAY? ♪

♪ HOW DO I FEEL AT THE END OF THE DAY? ♪ ♪ ARE YOU SAD BECAUSE YOU'RE

THE DAY? ♪ ♪ ARE YOU SAD BECAUSE YOU'RE ALL ALONE? ♪

♪ ARE YOU SAD BECAUSE YOU'RE ALL ALONE? ♪ ♪ OHH, BABY, I ♪

ALL ALONE? ♪ ♪ OHH, BABY, I ♪ ♪ GET BY WITH A LITTLE HELP

♪ OHH, BABY, I ♪ ♪ GET BY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS ♪

♪ GET BY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS ♪ ♪ WELL, DON'T YOU KNOW I WANT

FROM MY FRIENDS ♪ ♪ WELL, DON'T YOU KNOW I WANT TO GET HIGH? ♪

♪ WELL, DON'T YOU KNOW I WANT TO GET HIGH? ♪ ♪ HIGH WITH A LITTLE HELP

TO GET HIGH? ♪ ♪ HIGH WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS ♪

♪ HIGH WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS ♪ ♪ OHHHH, YEAH ♪

FROM MY FRIENDS ♪ ♪ OHHHH, YEAH ♪ ♪ TRY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM

♪ OHHHH, YEAH ♪ ♪ TRY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS ♪

♪ TRY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS ♪ ♪ OOH, OOH, OOH ♪

♪ DO YOU NEED ANYBODY? ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪ ♪ WHOO! ♪

♪ YEAH ♪ ♪ WHOO! ♪ ♪ I JUST NEED SOMEONE TO

♪ WHOO! ♪ ♪ I JUST NEED SOMEONE TO LOVE ♪

♪ I JUST NEED SOMEONE TO LOVE ♪ ♪ COULD IT BE ANYBODY? ♪

LOVE ♪ ♪ COULD IT BE ANYBODY? ♪ ♪ WELL, I NEED SOMEONE ♪

♪ COULD IT BE ANYBODY? ♪ ♪ WELL, I NEED SOMEONE ♪ ♪ OH-OH, OHHHH, YEAH ♪

♪ WELL, I NEED SOMEONE ♪ ♪ OH-OH, OHHHH, YEAH ♪ ♪ WH-O-O-OA, HA-A-A, OHHHH ♪

♪ OH-OH, OHHHH, YEAH ♪ ♪ WH-O-O-OA, HA-A-A, OHHHH ♪ BABY!

♪ WH-O-O-OA, HA-A-A, OHHHH ♪ BABY! ♪ BY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM

BABY! ♪ BY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS ♪

♪ BY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS ♪ ♪ HIGH WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM

MY FRIENDS ♪ ♪ HIGH WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS ♪

♪ HIGH WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS ♪ ♪ TRY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM

MY FRIENDS ♪ ♪ TRY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS ♪

♪ TRY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS ♪ ♪ OOH, OOH, OOH ♪

MY FRIENDS ♪ ♪ OOH, OOH, OOH ♪ ♪ OOH, OOH, OOH ♪

♪ OOH, OOH, OOH ♪ ♪ OOH, OOH, OOH ♪ ♪ OOH, OOH, OOH ♪

♪ OOH, OOH, OOH ♪ ♪ OOH, OOH, OOH ♪ ♪ OOH, OOH, OOH ♪

♪ OOH, OOH, OOH ♪ ♪ OOH, OOH, OOH ♪ ♪ HIGH WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM

♪ OOH, OOH, OOH ♪ ♪ HIGH WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS ♪

♪ HIGH WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

MY FRIENDS ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Announcer: COME WITH US NOW,

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Announcer: COME WITH US NOW, FROM THE BUBBLING TAR PITS TO

Announcer: COME WITH US NOW, FROM THE BUBBLING TAR PITS TO THE SULFUROUS WASTELAND, FROM

FROM THE BUBBLING TAR PITS TO THE SULFUROUS WASTELAND, FROM THE ROTTING FORESTS TO THE

THE SULFUROUS WASTELAND, FROM THE ROTTING FORESTS TO THE STAGNANT MUD FLATS, TO THE LAND

THE ROTTING FORESTS TO THE STAGNANT MUD FLATS, TO THE LAND OF GORCH.

STAGNANT MUD FLATS, TO THE LAND OF GORCH. UH, OH, YEAH, YEAH. YEAH.

OF GORCH. UH, OH, YEAH, YEAH. YEAH. LITTLE TO THE LEFT THERE, SCRED.

UH, OH, YEAH, YEAH. YEAH. LITTLE TO THE LEFT THERE, SCRED. YEAH.

LITTLE TO THE LEFT THERE, SCRED. YEAH. OH, WAIT! YOU GOT THE SPOT!

YEAH. OH, WAIT! YOU GOT THE SPOT! OH, YEAH! OH, YEAH!

OH, WAIT! YOU GOT THE SPOT! OH, YEAH! OH, YEAH! PLOOBIS!

OH, YEAH! OH, YEAH! PLOOBIS! UH, HUH?

PLOOBIS! UH, HUH? DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR SON,

UH, HUH? DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR SON, WISSS, IS DOING?

DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR SON, WISSS, IS DOING? WHAT, HAS HE LOCKED HIMSELF

WISSS, IS DOING? WHAT, HAS HE LOCKED HIMSELF IN THE BATHROOM WITH A MAGAZINE

WHAT, HAS HE LOCKED HIMSELF IN THE BATHROOM WITH A MAGAZINE AGAIN?

IN THE BATHROOM WITH A MAGAZINE AGAIN? [LAUGHS]

AGAIN? [LAUGHS] NO!

[LAUGHS] NO! YOUR SON, WISSS, IS SMOKING...

NO! YOUR SON, WISSS, IS SMOKING... CRATERS.

YOUR SON, WISSS, IS SMOKING... CRATERS. NO!

CRATERS. NO! YES.

NO! YES. NOT MY SON.

YES. NOT MY SON. WHY, MY SON IS A... HE'S A...

NOT MY SON. WHY, MY SON IS A... HE'S A... A CRATER-HEAD.

WHY, MY SON IS A... HE'S A... A CRATER-HEAD. A CRATER-HEAD.

A CRATER-HEAD. A CRATER-HEAD. NO, HE IS NOT!

A CRATER-HEAD. NO, HE IS NOT! OW!

NO, HE IS NOT! OW! MY SON IS NOT A CRATER-HEAD.

OW! MY SON IS NOT A CRATER-HEAD. YES, HE IS!

MY SON IS NOT A CRATER-HEAD. YES, HE IS! GO LOOK FOR YOURSELF.

YES, HE IS! GO LOOK FOR YOURSELF. ALL RIGHT, I WILL.

GO LOOK FOR YOURSELF. ALL RIGHT, I WILL. COOTCHIE, COOTCHIE, COOTCHIE.

ALL RIGHT, I WILL. COOTCHIE, COOTCHIE, COOTCHIE. [LAUGHS]

COOTCHIE, COOTCHIE, COOTCHIE. [LAUGHS] NOT NOW, SUGAR CLAWS.

[LAUGHS] NOT NOW, SUGAR CLAWS. [LAUGHS]

NOT NOW, SUGAR CLAWS. [LAUGHS] [EXHALES SHARPLY]

[LAUGHS] [EXHALES SHARPLY] [SNIFFING]

[EXHALES SHARPLY] [SNIFFING] ♪ ON TOP OF OLD SMOKY ♪

[SNIFFING] ♪ ON TOP OF OLD SMOKY ♪ HEY!

♪ ON TOP OF OLD SMOKY ♪ HEY! DIDN'T I EVER TELL YOU NOT TO

HEY! DIDN'T I EVER TELL YOU NOT TO SMOKE THAT STUFF?

DIDN'T I EVER TELL YOU NOT TO SMOKE THAT STUFF? HEY, MAN, WOW.

SMOKE THAT STUFF? HEY, MAN, WOW. YOUR AURA'S REALLY RED.

HEY, MAN, WOW. YOUR AURA'S REALLY RED. ARGH!

YOUR AURA'S REALLY RED. ARGH! YOUR AURA'S GONNA BE BLACK AND

ARGH! YOUR AURA'S GONNA BE BLACK AND BLUE IN A MINUTE, FELLA.

YOUR AURA'S GONNA BE BLACK AND BLUE IN A MINUTE, FELLA. HEY, LIGHTEN UP, JACK.

BLUE IN A MINUTE, FELLA. HEY, LIGHTEN UP, JACK. LIGHTEN UP.

HEY, LIGHTEN UP, JACK. LIGHTEN UP. LISTEN.

LIGHTEN UP. LISTEN. ALL THE EVIDENCE IS NOT IN,

LISTEN. ALL THE EVIDENCE IS NOT IN, BUSTER.

ALL THE EVIDENCE IS NOT IN, BUSTER. THAT STUFF THERE ROTS YOUR

BUSTER. THAT STUFF THERE ROTS YOUR BRAIN.

THAT STUFF THERE ROTS YOUR BRAIN. OH, YEAH?

BRAIN. OH, YEAH? YEAH.

OH, YEAH? YEAH. OH, YEAH?

YEAH. OH, YEAH? YEAH.

OH, YEAH? YEAH. OH, YEAH?

YEAH. OH, YEAH? YEAH!

OH, YEAH? YEAH! "YEAH" WHAT?

YEAH! "YEAH" WHAT? SEE THAT?

"YEAH" WHAT? SEE THAT? IT ROTS YOUR BRAIN.

SEE THAT? IT ROTS YOUR BRAIN. WHAT DO YOU NEED THAT STUFF FOR?

IT ROTS YOUR BRAIN. WHAT DO YOU NEED THAT STUFF FOR? LOOK AT ME. I'M HIGH ON LIFE.

WHAT DO YOU NEED THAT STUFF FOR? LOOK AT ME. I'M HIGH ON LIFE. YEAH.

LOOK AT ME. I'M HIGH ON LIFE. YEAH. SIRE?

YEAH. SIRE? WHAT?

SIRE? WHAT? PERHAPS IT WOULD HELP IF YOU

WHAT? PERHAPS IT WOULD HELP IF YOU SPOKE TO THE YOUNGSTER IN HIS

PERHAPS IT WOULD HELP IF YOU SPOKE TO THE YOUNGSTER IN HIS OWN LANGUAGE.

SPOKE TO THE YOUNGSTER IN HIS OWN LANGUAGE. AH, GOOD THINKING, SCRED.

OWN LANGUAGE. AH, GOOD THINKING, SCRED. MM-HMM.

AH, GOOD THINKING, SCRED. MM-HMM. UH...

MM-HMM. UH... [CLEARS THROAT]

UH... [CLEARS THROAT] HEY, LISTEN, UH... DUDE.

[CLEARS THROAT] HEY, LISTEN, UH... DUDE. UH... BIG DADDY-O HERE WANTS YOU

HEY, LISTEN, UH... DUDE. UH... BIG DADDY-O HERE WANTS YOU TO IXNAY WITH THE CRATER SMOKE.

UH... BIG DADDY-O HERE WANTS YOU TO IXNAY WITH THE CRATER SMOKE. YOU DIG, HUH?

TO IXNAY WITH THE CRATER SMOKE. YOU DIG, HUH? HEY, MAN, DON'T DOWN ME WITH

YOU DIG, HUH? HEY, MAN, DON'T DOWN ME WITH THOSE BAD VIBES, DAD.

HEY, MAN, DON'T DOWN ME WITH THOSE BAD VIBES, DAD. AAH!

THOSE BAD VIBES, DAD. AAH! COME... COME HERE, SCRED.

AAH! COME... COME HERE, SCRED. HUH?

COME... COME HERE, SCRED. HUH? LISTEN, I CAN NO LONGER TALK

HUH? LISTEN, I CAN NO LONGER TALK TO THE LAD.

LISTEN, I CAN NO LONGER TALK TO THE LAD. I WANT YOU TO TELL HIM THAT IF

TO THE LAD. I WANT YOU TO TELL HIM THAT IF HE DOESN'T STOP SMOKING THAT

I WANT YOU TO TELL HIM THAT IF HE DOESN'T STOP SMOKING THAT STUFF...

HE DOESN'T STOP SMOKING THAT STUFF... OW!

STUFF... OW! I'M GONNA DO THIS TO HIM.

OW! I'M GONNA DO THIS TO HIM. AAH!

I'M GONNA DO THIS TO HIM. AAH! OW! I'M SURE HE'LL HATE THAT.

AAH! OW! I'M SURE HE'LL HATE THAT. YEAH.

OW! I'M SURE HE'LL HATE THAT. YEAH. AH, THE BOSS SAYS THAT...

YEAH. AH, THE BOSS SAYS THAT... YEAH, WELL, YOU TELL HIM IF

AH, THE BOSS SAYS THAT... YEAH, WELL, YOU TELL HIM IF HE DON'T SPLIT, I AM GONNA DO

YEAH, WELL, YOU TELL HIM IF HE DON'T SPLIT, I AM GONNA DO THIS TO HIM.

HE DON'T SPLIT, I AM GONNA DO THIS TO HIM. WISSS.

THIS TO HIM. WISSS. AAH! AAH! OHH!

WISSS. AAH! AAH! OHH! OH, WOW. THE COLORS!

AAH! AAH! OHH! OH, WOW. THE COLORS! SCRED!

OH, WOW. THE COLORS! SCRED! HMM?

SCRED! HMM? AAH!

HMM? AAH! AND THE STARS!

AAH! AND THE STARS! UH... MAYBE THE MIGHTY FAVOG

AND THE STARS! UH... MAYBE THE MIGHTY FAVOG HAS GOT SOME GOOD ADVICE FOR ME.

UH... MAYBE THE MIGHTY FAVOG HAS GOT SOME GOOD ADVICE FOR ME. MAN, NEVER, MAN.

HAS GOT SOME GOOD ADVICE FOR ME. MAN, NEVER, MAN. FAVOG'S A COSMIC TURKEY!

MAN, NEVER, MAN. FAVOG'S A COSMIC TURKEY! [GONG BANGS]

FAVOG'S A COSMIC TURKEY! [GONG BANGS] THIS IS THE MIGHTY FAVOG.

[GONG BANGS] THIS IS THE MIGHTY FAVOG. TALK TO ME.

THIS IS THE MIGHTY FAVOG. TALK TO ME. YEAH, YOU GOT ANY MUNCHIES?

TALK TO ME. YEAH, YOU GOT ANY MUNCHIES? WILL YOU SHUT UP, SCRED?

YEAH, YOU GOT ANY MUNCHIES? WILL YOU SHUT UP, SCRED? OH, OMNI-IMPOTENT ONE, I GOT A

WILL YOU SHUT UP, SCRED? OH, OMNI-IMPOTENT ONE, I GOT A PROBLEM.

OH, OMNI-IMPOTENT ONE, I GOT A PROBLEM. ALL RIGHT.

PROBLEM. ALL RIGHT. IT'S GONNA COST YOU.

ALL RIGHT. IT'S GONNA COST YOU. I TELL YOU, SCRED, PUT IN THE

IT'S GONNA COST YOU. I TELL YOU, SCRED, PUT IN THE CHICKENS.

I TELL YOU, SCRED, PUT IN THE CHICKENS. HUH?

CHICKENS. HUH? PUT IN THE CHICKENS.

HUH? PUT IN THE CHICKENS. OH, YEAH.

PUT IN THE CHICKENS. OH, YEAH. [LAUGHS]

OH, YEAH. [LAUGHS] CHICKENS, LITTLE BIRDIE-WORDIES.

[LAUGHS] CHICKENS, LITTLE BIRDIE-WORDIES. HERE YOU GO.

CHICKENS, LITTLE BIRDIE-WORDIES. HERE YOU GO. YEAH.

HERE YOU GO. YEAH. [FLUSHING]

YEAH. [FLUSHING] [BELCHES]

[FLUSHING] [BELCHES] ALL RIGHT. WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?

[BELCHES] ALL RIGHT. WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM? MY SON, WISSS, IS A

ALL RIGHT. WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM? MY SON, WISSS, IS A CRATER-HEAD.

MY SON, WISSS, IS A CRATER-HEAD. HMM.

CRATER-HEAD. HMM. WELL, THE ANSWER, MY FRIEND...

HMM. WELL, THE ANSWER, MY FRIEND... YEAH?

WELL, THE ANSWER, MY FRIEND... YEAH? IS BLOWIN' IN THE WIND.

YEAH? IS BLOWIN' IN THE WIND. [SNIFFS]

IS BLOWIN' IN THE WIND. [SNIFFS] HUH?

[SNIFFS] HUH? I COULD KILL FOR SOME

HUH? I COULD KILL FOR SOME CHOCOLATE-CHIP COOKIES!

IN AMERICA TODAY, CERTAIN

OPPRESSED MINORITIES...

[Slurring] ARE TREATED LIKE

SECOND-CLASS CITIZENS...

SOME, SIMPLY BECAUSE OF A HARMLESS LITTLE AFFLICTION. I REFER TO SALIVA-DISBURSEMENT

HARMLESS LITTLE AFFLICTION. I REFER TO SALIVA-DISBURSEMENT DIFFICULTIES, OR, AS WE ARE

I REFER TO SALIVA-DISBURSEMENT DIFFICULTIES, OR, AS WE ARE SOMETIMES CALLED, "DROOLERS."

DIFFICULTIES, OR, AS WE ARE SOMETIMES CALLED, "DROOLERS." [AUDIENCE GROANS]

SOMETIMES CALLED, "DROOLERS." [AUDIENCE GROANS] WE AT THE DROOLERS

[AUDIENCE GROANS] WE AT THE DROOLERS ANTI-DEFAMATION LEAGUE ARE

WE AT THE DROOLERS ANTI-DEFAMATION LEAGUE ARE WORKING TO CORRECT THE NEGATIVE

ANTI-DEFAMATION LEAGUE ARE WORKING TO CORRECT THE NEGATIVE IMAGE OF DROOLERS PROPAGATED BY

WORKING TO CORRECT THE NEGATIVE IMAGE OF DROOLERS PROPAGATED BY THE MEDIA.

IMAGE OF DROOLERS PROPAGATED BY THE MEDIA. FOR EXAMPLE, HOW MANY PEOPLE

THE MEDIA. FOR EXAMPLE, HOW MANY PEOPLE KNOW THAT MANY FAMOUS

FOR EXAMPLE, HOW MANY PEOPLE KNOW THAT MANY FAMOUS INDIVIDUALS THROUGHOUT

KNOW THAT MANY FAMOUS INDIVIDUALS THROUGHOUT HISTORY... THE GREAT PHILOSOPHER

INDIVIDUALS THROUGHOUT HISTORY... THE GREAT PHILOSOPHER SPINOZA, AUTHOR

HISTORY... THE GREAT PHILOSOPHER SPINOZA, AUTHOR CHARLOTTE BRONTE,

SPINOZA, AUTHOR CHARLOTTE BRONTE, AND WORLD LEADER MAHATMA GANDHI

CHARLOTTE BRONTE, AND WORLD LEADER MAHATMA GANDHI WERE ACTUALLY DROOLERS?

AND WORLD LEADER MAHATMA GANDHI WERE ACTUALLY DROOLERS? CONTEMPORARY DROOLERS INCLUDE

WERE ACTUALLY DROOLERS? CONTEMPORARY DROOLERS INCLUDE DON PARDO.

CONTEMPORARY DROOLERS INCLUDE DON PARDO. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

DON PARDO. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [Snickering] THERE'S NO REASON

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [Snickering] THERE'S NO REASON WHY...

[Snickering] THERE'S NO REASON WHY... THERE IS NO REASON WHY A DROOLER

WHY... THERE IS NO REASON WHY A DROOLER CANNOT FUNCTION AS A USEFUL,

THERE IS NO REASON WHY A DROOLER CANNOT FUNCTION AS A USEFUL, ACTIVE MEMBER OF SOCIETY...

CANNOT FUNCTION AS A USEFUL, ACTIVE MEMBER OF SOCIETY... SEALING ENVELOPES, FOR EXAMPLE,

ACTIVE MEMBER OF SOCIETY... SEALING ENVELOPES, FOR EXAMPLE, FOR A SMALL BUSINESS.

SEALING ENVELOPES, FOR EXAMPLE, FOR A SMALL BUSINESS. LIKE ANYTHING ELSE, DROOLING IS

FOR A SMALL BUSINESS. LIKE ANYTHING ELSE, DROOLING IS A HANDICAP, BUT IT IS A HANDICAP

LIKE ANYTHING ELSE, DROOLING IS A HANDICAP, BUT IT IS A HANDICAP THAT CAN BE LICKED.

A HANDICAP, BUT IT IS A HANDICAP THAT CAN BE LICKED. THANK YOU.

THAT CAN BE LICKED. THANK YOU. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [BLUEGRASS MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [BLUEGRASS MUSIC PLAYING] ♪ BOW TO YOUR PRETTY ♪

[BLUEGRASS MUSIC PLAYING] ♪ BOW TO YOUR PRETTY ♪ ♪ NOW CURTSEY TO YOUR MAN ♪

♪ BOW TO YOUR PRETTY ♪ ♪ NOW CURTSEY TO YOUR MAN ♪ ♪ STEP RIGHT UP AND GRAB HER BY

♪ NOW CURTSEY TO YOUR MAN ♪ ♪ STEP RIGHT UP AND GRAB HER BY THE HAND ♪

♪ STEP RIGHT UP AND GRAB HER BY THE HAND ♪ ♪ NOW SWING THAT GAL IN THE

THE HAND ♪ ♪ NOW SWING THAT GAL IN THE FANCY CLOTHES ♪

♪ NOW SWING THAT GAL IN THE FANCY CLOTHES ♪ ♪ CIRCLE 'ROUND AND PULL HER

FANCY CLOTHES ♪ ♪ CIRCLE 'ROUND AND PULL HER NOSE ♪

♪ CIRCLE 'ROUND AND PULL HER NOSE ♪ [LAUGHS MANIACALLY]

NOSE ♪ [LAUGHS MANIACALLY] GRAB HANDS!

[LAUGHS MANIACALLY] GRAB HANDS! CIRCLE CHAIN!

GRAB HANDS! CIRCLE CHAIN! ♪ GRANNY GUZZLES BOURBON ♪

CIRCLE CHAIN! ♪ GRANNY GUZZLES BOURBON ♪ ♪ PREACHER HITS THE GIN ♪

♪ GRANNY GUZZLES BOURBON ♪ ♪ PREACHER HITS THE GIN ♪ ♪ SASHAY UP TO JOHNNY AND KICK

♪ PREACHER HITS THE GIN ♪ ♪ SASHAY UP TO JOHNNY AND KICK HIM IN THE SHIN ♪

♪ SASHAY UP TO JOHNNY AND KICK HIM IN THE SHIN ♪ [LAUGHS MANIACALLY]

HIM IN THE SHIN ♪ [LAUGHS MANIACALLY] PROMENADE! ALL RIGHT!

[LAUGHS MANIACALLY] PROMENADE! ALL RIGHT! ♪ PROMENADE UPTOWN,

PROMENADE! ALL RIGHT! ♪ PROMENADE UPTOWN, SULTRY HOPS ♪

♪ PROMENADE UPTOWN, SULTRY HOPS ♪ ♪ WIND UP YOUR DUKES AND BELT

SULTRY HOPS ♪ ♪ WIND UP YOUR DUKES AND BELT HER IN THE CHOPS ♪

♪ WIND UP YOUR DUKES AND BELT HER IN THE CHOPS ♪ [LAUGHS MANIACALLY]

HER IN THE CHOPS ♪ [LAUGHS MANIACALLY] LADIES!

[LAUGHS MANIACALLY] LADIES! ♪ WHEEL ON AROUND AND BACK TO

LADIES! ♪ WHEEL ON AROUND AND BACK TO YOUR PLACE ♪

♪ WHEEL ON AROUND AND BACK TO YOUR PLACE ♪ ♪ KNOCK HIM TO THE GROUND ♪

YOUR PLACE ♪ ♪ KNOCK HIM TO THE GROUND ♪ ♪ STOMP ON HIS FACE ♪

♪ KNOCK HIM TO THE GROUND ♪ ♪ STOMP ON HIS FACE ♪ [LAUGHS MANIACALLY]

♪ STOMP ON HIS FACE ♪ [LAUGHS MANIACALLY] GENTLEMEN, ON YOUR FEET NOW!

[LAUGHS MANIACALLY] GENTLEMEN, ON YOUR FEET NOW! A-A-AND...

GENTLEMEN, ON YOUR FEET NOW! A-A-AND... ♪ ALLEMANDE RIGHT WITH THE GAL

A-A-AND... ♪ ALLEMANDE RIGHT WITH THE GAL YOU LIKE BEST ♪

♪ ALLEMANDE RIGHT WITH THE GAL YOU LIKE BEST ♪ ♪ STEP RIGHT UP AND RIP HER

YOU LIKE BEST ♪ ♪ STEP RIGHT UP AND RIP HER DRESS ♪

♪ STEP RIGHT UP AND RIP HER DRESS ♪ [LAUGHS MANIACALLY]

DRESS ♪ [LAUGHS MANIACALLY] DO-SI-DO! DO-SI-DO!

[LAUGHS MANIACALLY] DO-SI-DO! DO-SI-DO! ♪ DO-SI-DO, FLY HIGHER AND

DO-SI-DO! DO-SI-DO! ♪ DO-SI-DO, FLY HIGHER AND HIGHER ♪

♪ DO-SI-DO, FLY HIGHER AND HIGHER ♪ ♪ PULL OUT YOUR PISTOLS AND OPEN

HIGHER ♪ ♪ PULL OUT YOUR PISTOLS AND OPEN FIRE ♪

♪ PULL OUT YOUR PISTOLS AND OPEN FIRE ♪ [GUNFIRE]

FIRE ♪ [GUNFIRE] [LAUGHS MANIACALLY]

[GUNFIRE] [LAUGHS MANIACALLY] [GUNSHOT]

[LAUGHS MANIACALLY] [GUNSHOT] [FINALE PLAYS]

[GUNSHOT] [FINALE PLAYS] [APPLAUSE]

[FINALE PLAYS] [APPLAUSE] AND NOW HERE'S A BRAND-NEW

[APPLAUSE] AND NOW HERE'S A BRAND-NEW COMEDY TEAM... MARK HAMPTON AND

AND NOW HERE'S A BRAND-NEW COMEDY TEAM... MARK HAMPTON AND DENNY DILLON.

COMEDY TEAM... MARK HAMPTON AND DENNY DILLON. [ORGAN PLAYING]

DENNY DILLON. [ORGAN PLAYING] WELL, HELLO, SISTERS!

[ORGAN PLAYING] WELL, HELLO, SISTERS! IT'S FINALLY HERE!

WELL, HELLO, SISTERS! IT'S FINALLY HERE! THE NIGHT WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING

IT'S FINALLY HERE! THE NIGHT WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!

THE NIGHT WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR! SPENT FIVE BUCK, GET READY FOR

FOR! SPENT FIVE BUCK, GET READY FOR "TALENT NIGHT IN THE CONVENT"!

SPENT FIVE BUCK, GET READY FOR "TALENT NIGHT IN THE CONVENT"! [SCATTERED APPLAUSE]

"TALENT NIGHT IN THE CONVENT"! [SCATTERED APPLAUSE] TONIGHT, WE'RE GONNA SEE OUR OWN

[SCATTERED APPLAUSE] TONIGHT, WE'RE GONNA SEE OUR OWN SISTERS THAT WE PRAY WITH, SHARE

TONIGHT, WE'RE GONNA SEE OUR OWN SISTERS THAT WE PRAY WITH, SHARE MEALS WITH, AND SAY LITANIES

SISTERS THAT WE PRAY WITH, SHARE MEALS WITH, AND SAY LITANIES WITH GETTING UP HERE AND SHOWING

MEALS WITH, AND SAY LITANIES WITH GETTING UP HERE AND SHOWING US THE TALENT THAT GOD HAS GIVEN

WITH GETTING UP HERE AND SHOWING US THE TALENT THAT GOD HAS GIVEN THEM.

US THE TALENT THAT GOD HAS GIVEN THEM. LET US PRAY.

THEM. LET US PRAY. HAIL, MARY, FULL OF GRACE, THE

LET US PRAY. HAIL, MARY, FULL OF GRACE, THE LORD IS WITH THEE.

HAIL, MARY, FULL OF GRACE, THE LORD IS WITH THEE. BLESSED ART THOU AMONGST WOMEN

LORD IS WITH THEE. BLESSED ART THOU AMONGST WOMEN AMONGST WOMEN.

BLESSED ART THOU AMONGST WOMEN AMONGST WOMEN. AMEN.

AMONGST WOMEN. AMEN. BEFORE WE BEGIN TONIGHT'S

AMEN. BEFORE WE BEGIN TONIGHT'S FESTIVITIES, JUST A FEW LITTLE

BEFORE WE BEGIN TONIGHT'S FESTIVITIES, JUST A FEW LITTLE ANNOUNCEMENTS.

FESTIVITIES, JUST A FEW LITTLE ANNOUNCEMENTS. WE HAVE A SPECIAL GUEST HERE

ANNOUNCEMENTS. WE HAVE A SPECIAL GUEST HERE WITH US TONIGHT...

WE HAVE A SPECIAL GUEST HERE WITH US TONIGHT... SISTER MARY HERMAN!

WITH US TONIGHT... SISTER MARY HERMAN! STAND UP, SISTER!

SISTER MARY HERMAN! STAND UP, SISTER! ♪ GETTING TO KNOW YOU ♪

STAND UP, SISTER! ♪ GETTING TO KNOW YOU ♪ SISTER'S HERE FROM OUR

♪ GETTING TO KNOW YOU ♪ SISTER'S HERE FROM OUR WILLOUGHBY PARISH AND JUST GOT

SISTER'S HERE FROM OUR WILLOUGHBY PARISH AND JUST GOT BACK FROM A TOUR OF THE

WILLOUGHBY PARISH AND JUST GOT BACK FROM A TOUR OF THE PHILIPPINES.

BACK FROM A TOUR OF THE PHILIPPINES. [SPEAKING FILIPINO]

PHILIPPINES. [SPEAKING FILIPINO] SISTER MARY HERMAN.

[SPEAKING FILIPINO] SISTER MARY HERMAN. REFRESHMENTS TONIGHT WERE

SISTER MARY HERMAN. REFRESHMENTS TONIGHT WERE DONATED BY THE URSULINES IN

REFRESHMENTS TONIGHT WERE DONATED BY THE URSULINES IN ASHTABULA, SO DON'T BE SHY,

DONATED BY THE URSULINES IN ASHTABULA, SO DON'T BE SHY, SISTERS.

ASHTABULA, SO DON'T BE SHY, SISTERS. THAT MEANS YOU, TOO, SISTER

SISTERS. THAT MEANS YOU, TOO, SISTER LUIGI.

THAT MEANS YOU, TOO, SISTER LUIGI. DON'T COUNT YOUR CALORIES

LUIGI. DON'T COUNT YOUR CALORIES TONIGHT 'CAUSE THE CIDER AND

DON'T COUNT YOUR CALORIES TONIGHT 'CAUSE THE CIDER AND DOUGHNUTS ARE ON THE HOUSE.

TONIGHT 'CAUSE THE CIDER AND DOUGHNUTS ARE ON THE HOUSE. [ORGAN PLAYS]

DOUGHNUTS ARE ON THE HOUSE. [ORGAN PLAYS] AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST, WE

[ORGAN PLAYS] AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST, WE RECEIVED TODAY A POSTCARD FROM

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST, WE RECEIVED TODAY A POSTCARD FROM OUR OWN SISTER BONIFACE IN THE

RECEIVED TODAY A POSTCARD FROM OUR OWN SISTER BONIFACE IN THE CONGO.

OUR OWN SISTER BONIFACE IN THE CONGO. LET ME SHARE HER WORDS WITH YOU.

CONGO. LET ME SHARE HER WORDS WITH YOU. "SISTERS, WEATHER HOT.

LET ME SHARE HER WORDS WITH YOU. "SISTERS, WEATHER HOT. PROGRESS IS SLOW, BUT LITTLE

"SISTERS, WEATHER HOT. PROGRESS IS SLOW, BUT LITTLE BLACK ONES LEARNING TO READ AND

PROGRESS IS SLOW, BUT LITTLE BLACK ONES LEARNING TO READ AND SPEAK MORE WITH EVERY NEW DAY.

BLACK ONES LEARNING TO READ AND SPEAK MORE WITH EVERY NEW DAY. YOURS IN CHRIST, OUR LORD,

SPEAK MORE WITH EVERY NEW DAY. YOURS IN CHRIST, OUR LORD, SISTER MARY BONIFACE,

YOURS IN CHRIST, OUR LORD, SISTER MARY BONIFACE, ADDIS ABABA."

SISTER MARY BONIFACE, ADDIS ABABA." DROP HER A LINE, SISTERS.

ADDIS ABABA." DROP HER A LINE, SISTERS. SHE'S RECEIVED GOD'S CALL.

DROP HER A LINE, SISTERS. SHE'S RECEIVED GOD'S CALL. AND NOW THE FUN BEGINS.

SHE'S RECEIVED GOD'S CALL. AND NOW THE FUN BEGINS. WELL, LET ME JUST START IT OFF

AND NOW THE FUN BEGINS. WELL, LET ME JUST START IT OFF WITH A JOKE I READ ABOUT IN

WELL, LET ME JUST START IT OFF WITH A JOKE I READ ABOUT IN CATHOLIC WORLD.

WITH A JOKE I READ ABOUT IN CATHOLIC WORLD. [LAUGHTER]

CATHOLIC WORLD. [LAUGHTER] THE LITTLE FELLOW SAYS TO HIS

[LAUGHTER] THE LITTLE FELLOW SAYS TO HIS GIRLFRIEND, "HEY, SALLY, WOULD

THE LITTLE FELLOW SAYS TO HIS GIRLFRIEND, "HEY, SALLY, WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO PLAY

GIRLFRIEND, "HEY, SALLY, WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO PLAY HIDE-AND-GO-SEEK?"

YOU LIKE TO GO PLAY HIDE-AND-GO-SEEK?" AND SALLY SAYS, "WELL, ALL

HIDE-AND-GO-SEEK?" AND SALLY SAYS, "WELL, ALL RIGHT, BUT NO FAIR ASKING

AND SALLY SAYS, "WELL, ALL RIGHT, BUT NO FAIR ASKING ST. ANTHONY TO HELP YOU FIND

RIGHT, BUT NO FAIR ASKING ST. ANTHONY TO HELP YOU FIND ME!"

ST. ANTHONY TO HELP YOU FIND ME!" [LAUGHS]

ME!" [LAUGHS] OH, DON'T GET ME STARTED.

[LAUGHS] OH, DON'T GET ME STARTED. [LAUGHTER]

OH, DON'T GET ME STARTED. [LAUGHTER] AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR A LITTLE

[LAUGHTER] AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR A LITTLE HOCUS-POCUS WITH YOURS TRULY,

AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR A LITTLE HOCUS-POCUS WITH YOURS TRULY, SISTER MARY EUGENE AND MY MAGIC

HOCUS-POCUS WITH YOURS TRULY, SISTER MARY EUGENE AND MY MAGIC HOLY CARDS.

SISTER MARY EUGENE AND MY MAGIC HOLY CARDS. NOW, IN THIS HAND, SISTERS, YOU

HOLY CARDS. NOW, IN THIS HAND, SISTERS, YOU SEE A PICTURE OF THE BLESSED

NOW, IN THIS HAND, SISTERS, YOU SEE A PICTURE OF THE BLESSED VIRGIN MARY, AND SHE'S STANDING

SEE A PICTURE OF THE BLESSED VIRGIN MARY, AND SHE'S STANDING ON TOP OF THE SERPENT.

VIRGIN MARY, AND SHE'S STANDING ON TOP OF THE SERPENT. AND IN THIS HAND, YOU SEE A

ON TOP OF THE SERPENT. AND IN THIS HAND, YOU SEE A PICTURE OF THE SACRED HEART OF

AND IN THIS HAND, YOU SEE A PICTURE OF THE SACRED HEART OF JESUS WITH THE EYES THAT FOLLOW

PICTURE OF THE SACRED HEART OF JESUS WITH THE EYES THAT FOLLOW YOU ACROSS THE ROOM.

JESUS WITH THE EYES THAT FOLLOW YOU ACROSS THE ROOM. KEEP YOUR EYES ON THEM, SISTERS!

YOU ACROSS THE ROOM. KEEP YOUR EYES ON THEM, SISTERS! KEEP YOU EYES ON THEM!

KEEP YOUR EYES ON THEM, SISTERS! KEEP YOU EYES ON THEM! PRESTO! CHANGE-O!

KEEP YOU EYES ON THEM! PRESTO! CHANGE-O! ST. JUDE, PATRON OF IMPOSSIBLE!

PRESTO! CHANGE-O! ST. JUDE, PATRON OF IMPOSSIBLE! AND ST. DIFNOD, NERVOUS

ST. JUDE, PATRON OF IMPOSSIBLE! AND ST. DIFNOD, NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.

AND ST. DIFNOD, NERVOUS BREAKDOWN. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

BREAKDOWN. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. [SCATTERED APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU. THANK YOU. [SCATTERED APPLAUSE] AND NOW WITH

[SCATTERED APPLAUSE] AND NOW WITH SISTER XAVIER COOGAN AT THE

AND NOW WITH SISTER XAVIER COOGAN AT THE ORGAN, LET'S HAVE A LITTLE

SISTER XAVIER COOGAN AT THE ORGAN, LET'S HAVE A LITTLE SING-ALONG.

ORGAN, LET'S HAVE A LITTLE SING-ALONG. ♪ KUMBAYA, MY LORD ♪

SING-ALONG. ♪ KUMBAYA, MY LORD ♪ ♪ KUMBAYA ♪

♪ KUMBAYA, MY LORD ♪ ♪ KUMBAYA ♪ COME ON! YOU KNOW THE WORDS!

♪ KUMBAYA ♪ COME ON! YOU KNOW THE WORDS! ♪ KUMBAYA, MY LORD ♪

COME ON! YOU KNOW THE WORDS! ♪ KUMBAYA, MY LORD ♪ ♪ KUMBAYA ♪

♪ KUMBAYA, MY LORD ♪ ♪ KUMBAYA ♪ AND NOW FOR OUR SISTERS IN THE

♪ KUMBAYA ♪ AND NOW FOR OUR SISTERS IN THE PHILIPPINES!

AND NOW FOR OUR SISTERS IN THE PHILIPPINES! [TEMPO INCREASES]

PHILIPPINES! [TEMPO INCREASES] ♪ KUMBAYA, MY LORD ♪

[TEMPO INCREASES] ♪ KUMBAYA, MY LORD ♪ ♪ KUMBAYA ♪

♪ KUMBAYA, MY LORD ♪ ♪ KUMBAYA ♪ [SPEAKING FILIPINO]

♪ KUMBAYA ♪ [SPEAKING FILIPINO] AND AS JESUS SAID TO THE

[SPEAKING FILIPINO] AND AS JESUS SAID TO THE APOSTLE PAUL, SISTERS...

AND AS JESUS SAID TO THE APOSTLE PAUL, SISTERS... MAKE THEM BEG FOR MORE...

APOSTLE PAUL, SISTERS... MAKE THEM BEG FOR MORE... AND DON'T GIVE IT TO THEM!

MAKE THEM BEG FOR MORE... AND DON'T GIVE IT TO THEM! GOOD NIGHT!

AND DON'T GIVE IT TO THEM! GOOD NIGHT! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

GOOD NIGHT! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] AND NOW A NEW FEATURE ON

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] AND NOW A NEW FEATURE ON "SATURDAY NIGHT"...

AND NOW A NEW FEATURE ON "SATURDAY NIGHT"... "WHAT GILDA ATE."

"SATURDAY NIGHT"... "WHAT GILDA ATE." GILDA?

"WHAT GILDA ATE." GILDA? THANKS, ROB.

GILDA? THANKS, ROB. OKAY, I STARTED THE DAY WITH ONE

THANKS, ROB. OKAY, I STARTED THE DAY WITH ONE PIECE OF DRY TOAST AND TWO EGG

OKAY, I STARTED THE DAY WITH ONE PIECE OF DRY TOAST AND TWO EGG WHITES SCRAMBLED IN A NO-STICK

PIECE OF DRY TOAST AND TWO EGG WHITES SCRAMBLED IN A NO-STICK TEFLON PAN.

WHITES SCRAMBLED IN A NO-STICK TEFLON PAN. AND THEN I HAD A LITTLE PIECE OF

TEFLON PAN. AND THEN I HAD A LITTLE PIECE OF CHICKEN FROM SOME LEFTOVER

AND THEN I HAD A LITTLE PIECE OF CHICKEN FROM SOME LEFTOVER CHINESE FOOD THAT I HAD IN THE

CHICKEN FROM SOME LEFTOVER CHINESE FOOD THAT I HAD IN THE REFRIGERATOR AND ONE BREADED

CHINESE FOOD THAT I HAD IN THE REFRIGERATOR AND ONE BREADED SWEET-AND-SOUR SHRIMP, BUT I

REFRIGERATOR AND ONE BREADED SWEET-AND-SOUR SHRIMP, BUT I PICKED ALL THE BREADING OFF.

SWEET-AND-SOUR SHRIMP, BUT I PICKED ALL THE BREADING OFF. AND THEN, AT LUNCH, I HAD A HALF

PICKED ALL THE BREADING OFF. AND THEN, AT LUNCH, I HAD A HALF A CLUB SANDWICH, BUT I TOOK OUT

AND THEN, AT LUNCH, I HAD A HALF A CLUB SANDWICH, BUT I TOOK OUT THE MIDDLE PIECE OF BREAD AND I

A CLUB SANDWICH, BUT I TOOK OUT THE MIDDLE PIECE OF BREAD AND I LEFT THE CRUST, BUT I TRADED THE

THE MIDDLE PIECE OF BREAD AND I LEFT THE CRUST, BUT I TRADED THE OTHER HALF FOR A HALF OF A

LEFT THE CRUST, BUT I TRADED THE OTHER HALF FOR A HALF OF A WESTERN OMELET WITH CHEESE.

OTHER HALF FOR A HALF OF A WESTERN OMELET WITH CHEESE. AND THEN I FINISHED BEFORE

WESTERN OMELET WITH CHEESE. AND THEN I FINISHED BEFORE EVERYONE ELSE, SO I HAD A ROLL

AND THEN I FINISHED BEFORE EVERYONE ELSE, SO I HAD A ROLL WITH BUTTER AND THREE FRENCH

EVERYONE ELSE, SO I HAD A ROLL WITH BUTTER AND THREE FRENCH FRIES OFF OF SOMEBODY ELSE'S

WITH BUTTER AND THREE FRENCH FRIES OFF OF SOMEBODY ELSE'S PLATE AND A TaB, BUT I DIDN'T

FRIES OFF OF SOMEBODY ELSE'S PLATE AND A TaB, BUT I DIDN'T ORDER DESSERT.

PLATE AND A TaB, BUT I DIDN'T ORDER DESSERT. BUT ON THE WAY BACK TO THE

ORDER DESSERT. BUT ON THE WAY BACK TO THE OFFICE, I HAD A FIG NEWTON AND

BUT ON THE WAY BACK TO THE OFFICE, I HAD A FIG NEWTON AND AN ALMOND JOY CANDY BAR.

OFFICE, I HAD A FIG NEWTON AND AN ALMOND JOY CANDY BAR. AND THEN, WHEN I GOT BACK TO THE

AN ALMOND JOY CANDY BAR. AND THEN, WHEN I GOT BACK TO THE OFFICE, I TOLD EVERYONE I WAS

AND THEN, WHEN I GOT BACK TO THE OFFICE, I TOLD EVERYONE I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM, BUT I

OFFICE, I TOLD EVERYONE I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM, BUT I REALLY WENT TO A COFFEE SHOP AND

GOING TO THE BATHROOM, BUT I REALLY WENT TO A COFFEE SHOP AND HAD APPLE PIE A LA MODE, AND I

REALLY WENT TO A COFFEE SHOP AND HAD APPLE PIE A LA MODE, AND I ATE THE WHOLE THING.

HAD APPLE PIE A LA MODE, AND I ATE THE WHOLE THING. AND ON THE WAY BACK UP, IN THE

ATE THE WHOLE THING. AND ON THE WAY BACK UP, IN THE ELEVATOR, I FOUND A MILK DUD

AND ON THE WAY BACK UP, IN THE ELEVATOR, I FOUND A MILK DUD COVERED WITH TOBACCO IN THE

ELEVATOR, I FOUND A MILK DUD COVERED WITH TOBACCO IN THE BOTTOM OF MY PURSE...

COVERED WITH TOBACCO IN THE BOTTOM OF MY PURSE... AND I ATE IT.

BOTTOM OF MY PURSE... AND I ATE IT. AND THEN ON THE WAY... AFTER

AND I ATE IT. AND THEN ON THE WAY... AFTER WORK, I WENT TO A DRUGSTORE AND

AND THEN ON THE WAY... AFTER WORK, I WENT TO A DRUGSTORE AND BOUGHT AN M&M PEANUT MUNCH

WORK, I WENT TO A DRUGSTORE AND BOUGHT AN M&M PEANUT MUNCH BAR AND A BOX OF CHEEZ-ITs.

BOUGHT AN M&M PEANUT MUNCH BAR AND A BOX OF CHEEZ-ITs. THANK YOU VERY MUCH, GILDA.

BAR AND A BOX OF CHEEZ-ITs. THANK YOU VERY MUCH, GILDA. THAT'S ENOUGH.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, GILDA. THAT'S ENOUGH. BUT I'M NOT FINISHED YET.

THAT'S ENOUGH. BUT I'M NOT FINISHED YET. I KNOW, BUT WE HAVE TO GO ON

BUT I'M NOT FINISHED YET. I KNOW, BUT WE HAVE TO GO ON WITH THE SHOW.

I KNOW, BUT WE HAVE TO GO ON WITH THE SHOW. I'M SORRY.

WITH THE SHOW. I'M SORRY. OH. I'LL JUST GO GET A SNACK.

I'M SORRY. OH. I'LL JUST GO GET A SNACK. OKAY.

OH. I'LL JUST GO GET A SNACK. OKAY. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OKAY. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] NOW, THIS IS MY FAVORITE PART OF

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] NOW, THIS IS MY FAVORITE PART OF THE SHOW BECAUSE IT GIVES ME A

NOW, THIS IS MY FAVORITE PART OF THE SHOW BECAUSE IT GIVES ME A CHANCE TO INTRODUCE A FILM

THE SHOW BECAUSE IT GIVES ME A CHANCE TO INTRODUCE A FILM WRITTEN, DIRECTED, AND STARRING

CHANCE TO INTRODUCE A FILM WRITTEN, DIRECTED, AND STARRING MY BEST FRIEND, ALBERT BROOKS.

WRITTEN, DIRECTED, AND STARRING MY BEST FRIEND, ALBERT BROOKS. SO MANY OF US GO THROUGH LIFE

MY BEST FRIEND, ALBERT BROOKS. SO MANY OF US GO THROUGH LIFE DOING ONE THING, WANTING TO DO

SO MANY OF US GO THROUGH LIFE DOING ONE THING, WANTING TO DO SOMETHING ELSE.

DOING ONE THING, WANTING TO DO SOMETHING ELSE. I'M ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE.

SOMETHING ELSE. I'M ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE. I'M A COMEDIAN.

I'M ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE. I'M A COMEDIAN. SHOW BUSINESS HAS BEEN GOOD TO

I'M A COMEDIAN. SHOW BUSINESS HAS BEEN GOOD TO ME.

SHOW BUSINESS HAS BEEN GOOD TO ME. BUT, QUITE FRANKLY, IF I HAD THE

ME. BUT, QUITE FRANKLY, IF I HAD THE GRADES IN SCHOOL, I WOULD HAVE

BUT, QUITE FRANKLY, IF I HAD THE GRADES IN SCHOOL, I WOULD HAVE BECOME A SURGEON.

GRADES IN SCHOOL, I WOULD HAVE BECOME A SURGEON. WELL, ON JULY 22nd OF THIS YEAR,

BECOME A SURGEON. WELL, ON JULY 22nd OF THIS YEAR, I DID SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

WELL, ON JULY 22nd OF THIS YEAR, I DID SOMETHING ABOUT IT. I TOOK OUT THE FOLLOWING AD IN

I DID SOMETHING ABOUT IT. I TOOK OUT THE FOLLOWING AD IN 10 OF THE NATION'S LEADING

I TOOK OUT THE FOLLOWING AD IN 10 OF THE NATION'S LEADING NEWSPAPERS... "I, ALBERT BROOKS,

10 OF THE NATION'S LEADING NEWSPAPERS... "I, ALBERT BROOKS, PROFESSIONAL ENTERTAINER, WISH

NEWSPAPERS... "I, ALBERT BROOKS, PROFESSIONAL ENTERTAINER, WISH TO PERFORM OPEN-HEART SURGERY,

PROFESSIONAL ENTERTAINER, WISH TO PERFORM OPEN-HEART SURGERY, CORONARY-BYPASS OPERATION

TO PERFORM OPEN-HEART SURGERY, CORONARY-BYPASS OPERATION PREFERRED.

CORONARY-BYPASS OPERATION PREFERRED. YOU WILL BE PAID UP TO $1,000.

PREFERRED. YOU WILL BE PAID UP TO $1,000. THIS HAS A GOOD CHANCE OF

YOU WILL BE PAID UP TO $1,000. THIS HAS A GOOD CHANCE OF APPEARING ON NATIONAL TV, AND I

THIS HAS A GOOD CHANCE OF APPEARING ON NATIONAL TV, AND I WILL BE ASSISTED BY A COMPETENT

APPEARING ON NATIONAL TV, AND I WILL BE ASSISTED BY A COMPETENT MEDICAL TEAM.

WILL BE ASSISTED BY A COMPETENT MEDICAL TEAM. NO GAG HERE.

MEDICAL TEAM. NO GAG HERE. PLEASE WRITE OR PHONE,"

NO GAG HERE. PLEASE WRITE OR PHONE," ET CETERA, ET CETERA.

PLEASE WRITE OR PHONE," ET CETERA, ET CETERA. ON AUGUST 31st, A WHIM BECAME A

ET CETERA, ET CETERA. ON AUGUST 31st, A WHIM BECAME A REALITY.

ON AUGUST 31st, A WHIM BECAME A REALITY. [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

REALITY. [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY] I'LL MOVE THIS.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY] I'LL MOVE THIS. A RALPH PORTER OF

I'LL MOVE THIS. A RALPH PORTER OF SAN FRANCISCO WAS THE LOGICAL

A RALPH PORTER OF SAN FRANCISCO WAS THE LOGICAL CHOICE.

SAN FRANCISCO WAS THE LOGICAL CHOICE. FIRST OF ALL, HE ACCEPTED THE

CHOICE. FIRST OF ALL, HE ACCEPTED THE OFFER.

FIRST OF ALL, HE ACCEPTED THE OFFER. SECOND OF ALL, HE LIVED IN THE

OFFER. SECOND OF ALL, HE LIVED IN THE SAME STATE AS I DID.

SECOND OF ALL, HE LIVED IN THE SAME STATE AS I DID. THIS PUSHED QUITE A FEW OF THE

SAME STATE AS I DID. THIS PUSHED QUITE A FEW OF THE LEGAL MATTERS OUT OF THE WAY.

THIS PUSHED QUITE A FEW OF THE LEGAL MATTERS OUT OF THE WAY. THIRD OF ALL, HE HAPPENED TO BE

LEGAL MATTERS OUT OF THE WAY. THIRD OF ALL, HE HAPPENED TO BE A BIG FAN.

THIRD OF ALL, HE HAPPENED TO BE A BIG FAN. HE WAS ONE OF THOSE "ANYTHING

A BIG FAN. HE WAS ONE OF THOSE "ANYTHING YOU DO IS ALL RIGHT WITH ME"

HE WAS ONE OF THOSE "ANYTHING YOU DO IS ALL RIGHT WITH ME" KIND OF GUYS.

YOU DO IS ALL RIGHT WITH ME" KIND OF GUYS. I LIKED HIS WIFE, TOO.

KIND OF GUYS. I LIKED HIS WIFE, TOO. OH, THERE HE IS.

I LIKED HIS WIFE, TOO. OH, THERE HE IS. HI, ALBERT.

OH, THERE HE IS. HI, ALBERT. HOW ARE YOU?

HI, ALBERT. HOW ARE YOU? HOW YOU DOING?

HOW ARE YOU? HOW YOU DOING? GOOD GUY.

HOW YOU DOING? GOOD GUY. HOW ARE YOU DOING?

GOOD GUY. HOW ARE YOU DOING? HI, ALBERT.

HOW ARE YOU DOING? HI, ALBERT. OH, WELL, I'LL TELL YOU.

HI, ALBERT. OH, WELL, I'LL TELL YOU. HOW YOU FEELING, ALBERT?

OH, WELL, I'LL TELL YOU. HOW YOU FEELING, ALBERT? YOU LOOK TIRED.

HOW YOU FEELING, ALBERT? YOU LOOK TIRED. I'VE BEEN UP FOR ABOUT A

YOU LOOK TIRED. I'VE BEEN UP FOR ABOUT A WEEK, STUDYING FOR THIS, AND I

I'VE BEEN UP FOR ABOUT A WEEK, STUDYING FOR THIS, AND I GOT A REAL BAD SORE THROAT LAST

WEEK, STUDYING FOR THIS, AND I GOT A REAL BAD SORE THROAT LAST NIGHT.

GOT A REAL BAD SORE THROAT LAST NIGHT. OH, GET HIM SOME COUGH DROPS,

NIGHT. OH, GET HIM SOME COUGH DROPS, HONEY.

OH, GET HIM SOME COUGH DROPS, HONEY. OKAY.

HONEY. OKAY. IT'S OKAY.

OKAY. IT'S OKAY. NO, NO, IT'S OKAY.

IT'S OKAY. NO, NO, IT'S OKAY. I JUST HAVE A REAL QUICK

NO, NO, IT'S OKAY. I JUST HAVE A REAL QUICK INSURANCE RELEASE FOR YOU TO

I JUST HAVE A REAL QUICK INSURANCE RELEASE FOR YOU TO SIGN THERE... RIGHT THERE.

INSURANCE RELEASE FOR YOU TO SIGN THERE... RIGHT THERE. IS THIS GONNA BE ON

SIGN THERE... RIGHT THERE. IS THIS GONNA BE ON TELEVISION?

IS THIS GONNA BE ON TELEVISION? WELL, OH, YEAH, YOU REMINDED

TELEVISION? WELL, OH, YEAH, YOU REMINDED ME... I DON'T THINK YOU SIGNED A

WELL, OH, YEAH, YOU REMINDED ME... I DON'T THINK YOU SIGNED A TV RELEASE YET, DID YOU?

ME... I DON'T THINK YOU SIGNED A TV RELEASE YET, DID YOU? NO.

TV RELEASE YET, DID YOU? NO. NO? HERE.

NO. NO? HERE. WHY DON'T YOU SIGN THAT RELEASE

NO? HERE. WHY DON'T YOU SIGN THAT RELEASE RIGHT THERE?

WHY DON'T YOU SIGN THAT RELEASE RIGHT THERE? OKAY.

RIGHT THERE? OKAY. HOW YOU FEELING?

OKAY. HOW YOU FEELING? FINE. GREAT.

HOW YOU FEELING? FINE. GREAT. OH, WELL, GOOD. GOOD.

FINE. GREAT. OH, WELL, GOOD. GOOD. OKAY, YOU READY FOR SURGERY?

OH, WELL, GOOD. GOOD. OKAY, YOU READY FOR SURGERY? I'M READY, BOY.

OKAY, YOU READY FOR SURGERY? I'M READY, BOY. ALL RIGHT.

I'M READY, BOY. ALL RIGHT. WELL, LOOK, THEY'RE GONNA COME

ALL RIGHT. WELL, LOOK, THEY'RE GONNA COME AND TAKE YOU DOWN, AND I'LL MEET

WELL, LOOK, THEY'RE GONNA COME AND TAKE YOU DOWN, AND I'LL MEET YOU DOWN THERE, OKAY?

AND TAKE YOU DOWN, AND I'LL MEET YOU DOWN THERE, OKAY? WELL, GOOD, GOOD.

YOU DOWN THERE, OKAY? WELL, GOOD, GOOD. OKAY. SEE YOU THERE.

WELL, GOOD, GOOD. OKAY. SEE YOU THERE. OKAY.

OKAY. SEE YOU THERE. OKAY. OKAY, BYE-BYE.

OKAY. OKAY, BYE-BYE. BYE.

OKAY, BYE-BYE. BYE. GREAT GUY, YOU KNOW?

BYE. GREAT GUY, YOU KNOW? YEAH, HE'LL TAKE GOOD CARE OF

GREAT GUY, YOU KNOW? YEAH, HE'LL TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOU.

YEAH, HE'LL TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOU. I'M SURE HE WILL.

YOU. I'M SURE HE WILL. HEY, WHAT'S THAT?

I'M SURE HE WILL. HEY, WHAT'S THAT? OH, THIS IS THE INVISIBLE MAN

HEY, WHAT'S THAT? OH, THIS IS THE INVISIBLE MAN THING.

OH, THIS IS THE INVISIBLE MAN THING. I THOUGHT IT WOULD HELP ME WITH

THING. I THOUGHT IT WOULD HELP ME WITH YOUR SURGERY, BUT I DIDN'T HAVE

I THOUGHT IT WOULD HELP ME WITH YOUR SURGERY, BUT I DIDN'T HAVE A CHANCE TO PUT IT TOGETHER.

YOUR SURGERY, BUT I DIDN'T HAVE A CHANCE TO PUT IT TOGETHER. [CHUCKLES]

A CHANCE TO PUT IT TOGETHER. [CHUCKLES] ANYWAY, ACTUALLY, MOST OF

[CHUCKLES] ANYWAY, ACTUALLY, MOST OF THESE OTHER THINGS AREN'T REALLY

ANYWAY, ACTUALLY, MOST OF THESE OTHER THINGS AREN'T REALLY IMPORTANT.

THESE OTHER THINGS AREN'T REALLY IMPORTANT. OH, WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S

IMPORTANT. OH, WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT.

OH, WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT. YEAH, I DON'T THINK I HAD TO

ALL ABOUT. YEAH, I DON'T THINK I HAD TO DO IT.

YEAH, I DON'T THINK I HAD TO DO IT. AND I HAVE ALL THESE... HERE.

DO IT. AND I HAVE ALL THESE... HERE. HOLD THIS FOR A SECOND.

AND I HAVE ALL THESE... HERE. HOLD THIS FOR A SECOND. YEAH, I GOT ONE FOR MY

HOLD THIS FOR A SECOND. YEAH, I GOT ONE FOR MY GRANDSON.

YEAH, I GOT ONE FOR MY GRANDSON. HE'S 10 YEARS OLD, AND HE PUT IT

GRANDSON. HE'S 10 YEARS OLD, AND HE PUT IT TOGETHER IN ABOUT A HALF-HOUR.

HE'S 10 YEARS OLD, AND HE PUT IT TOGETHER IN ABOUT A HALF-HOUR. IT'S NOT THAT I COULDN'T.

TOGETHER IN ABOUT A HALF-HOUR. IT'S NOT THAT I COULDN'T. IT'S JUST THAT I DIDN'T HAVE

IT'S NOT THAT I COULDN'T. IT'S JUST THAT I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO DO IT.

IT'S JUST THAT I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO DO IT. HERE. WHY DON'T YOU GIVE HIM

TIME TO DO IT. HERE. WHY DON'T YOU GIVE HIM THIS, IF YOU WANT?

HERE. WHY DON'T YOU GIVE HIM THIS, IF YOU WANT? OKAY.

THIS, IF YOU WANT? OKAY. MAYBE HE CAN PUT ANOTHER ONE

OKAY. MAYBE HE CAN PUT ANOTHER ONE TOGETHER.

MAYBE HE CAN PUT ANOTHER ONE TOGETHER. EXACTLY WHAT IS THE

TOGETHER. EXACTLY WHAT IS THE CORONARY-BYPASS OPERATION?

EXACTLY WHAT IS THE CORONARY-BYPASS OPERATION? DR. BERNARD MILLMAN, ONE OF THE

CORONARY-BYPASS OPERATION? DR. BERNARD MILLMAN, ONE OF THE DOCTORS ON MY TEAM, EXPLAINS.

DR. BERNARD MILLMAN, ONE OF THE DOCTORS ON MY TEAM, EXPLAINS. THE CORONARY ARTERIES, THESE

DOCTORS ON MY TEAM, EXPLAINS. THE CORONARY ARTERIES, THESE RED LINES YOU SEE HERE, SUPPLY

THE CORONARY ARTERIES, THESE RED LINES YOU SEE HERE, SUPPLY FRESH BLOOD TO THE HEART.

RED LINES YOU SEE HERE, SUPPLY FRESH BLOOD TO THE HEART. SOMETIMES AN OBSTRUCTION WILL

FRESH BLOOD TO THE HEART. SOMETIMES AN OBSTRUCTION WILL OCCUR ALONG THE WAY WHICH STOPS

SOMETIMES AN OBSTRUCTION WILL OCCUR ALONG THE WAY WHICH STOPS THE BLOOD FLOW.

OCCUR ALONG THE WAY WHICH STOPS THE BLOOD FLOW. A BYPASS IS THEN MADE, USING THE

THE BLOOD FLOW. A BYPASS IS THEN MADE, USING THE SAPHENOUS VEIN FROM THE LEG AS

A BYPASS IS THEN MADE, USING THE SAPHENOUS VEIN FROM THE LEG AS THE NEW VESSEL, AND IT'S

SAPHENOUS VEIN FROM THE LEG AS THE NEW VESSEL, AND IT'S CONNECTED FROM THE AORTA, THE

THE NEW VESSEL, AND IT'S CONNECTED FROM THE AORTA, THE HEART'S MAIN ARTERY, BACK TO THE

CONNECTED FROM THE AORTA, THE HEART'S MAIN ARTERY, BACK TO THE SMALLER CORONARY ARTERIES AT

HEART'S MAIN ARTERY, BACK TO THE SMALLER CORONARY ARTERIES AT SOME POINT PAST THE OBSTRUCTION,

SMALLER CORONARY ARTERIES AT SOME POINT PAST THE OBSTRUCTION, THEREBY RESTORING THE BLOOD

SOME POINT PAST THE OBSTRUCTION, THEREBY RESTORING THE BLOOD FLOW.

THEREBY RESTORING THE BLOOD FLOW. MR. PORTER WAS INTRODUCED

FLOW. MR. PORTER WAS INTRODUCED TO MY CHIEF ASSISTANT,

MR. PORTER WAS INTRODUCED TO MY CHIEF ASSISTANT, DR. EDWARD HILLER, AN AMERICAN

TO MY CHIEF ASSISTANT, DR. EDWARD HILLER, AN AMERICAN NOW WORKING IN SWEDEN.

DR. EDWARD HILLER, AN AMERICAN NOW WORKING IN SWEDEN. I'M DR. HILLER, CHIEF

NOW WORKING IN SWEDEN. I'M DR. HILLER, CHIEF SURGEON.

I'M DR. HILLER, CHIEF SURGEON. I'LL BE IN CHARGE OF THE

SURGEON. I'LL BE IN CHARGE OF THE OPERATION.

I'LL BE IN CHARGE OF THE OPERATION. WELL, I'LL BE IN CHARGE OF

OPERATION. WELL, I'LL BE IN CHARGE OF THE OPERATION.

WELL, I'LL BE IN CHARGE OF THE OPERATION. I'M CALLING HIM IN TO HELP ME AS

THE OPERATION. I'M CALLING HIM IN TO HELP ME AS THE CHIEF.

I'M CALLING HIM IN TO HELP ME AS THE CHIEF. I'LL BE ASSISTING MR. BROOKS.

THE CHIEF. I'LL BE ASSISTING MR. BROOKS. HOW ARE YOU FEELING?

I'LL BE ASSISTING MR. BROOKS. HOW ARE YOU FEELING? DR. HILLER WAS WHAT WAS KNOWN

HOW ARE YOU FEELING? DR. HILLER WAS WHAT WAS KNOWN IN THE MEDICAL PROFESSION AS A

DR. HILLER WAS WHAT WAS KNOWN IN THE MEDICAL PROFESSION AS A PRIMA DONNA, BUT I HEARD HE WAS

IN THE MEDICAL PROFESSION AS A PRIMA DONNA, BUT I HEARD HE WAS GOOD, AND I NEEDED HIM.

PRIMA DONNA, BUT I HEARD HE WAS GOOD, AND I NEEDED HIM. THE NEXT DOCTOR WAS HAL LESTER,

GOOD, AND I NEEDED HIM. THE NEXT DOCTOR WAS HAL LESTER, FORMERLY OF THE ST. LOUIS

THE NEXT DOCTOR WAS HAL LESTER, FORMERLY OF THE ST. LOUIS CLINIC.

FORMERLY OF THE ST. LOUIS CLINIC. HELLO.

CLINIC. HELLO. HELLO.

HELLO. HELLO. HOW ARE YOU, MR. PORTER?

HELLO. HOW ARE YOU, MR. PORTER? I'M DR. LESTER.

HOW ARE YOU, MR. PORTER? I'M DR. LESTER. PLEASURE, DOCTOR.

I'M DR. LESTER. PLEASURE, DOCTOR. YES, I'LL BE ASSISTING IN

PLEASURE, DOCTOR. YES, I'LL BE ASSISTING IN YOUR OPERATION TODAY.

YES, I'LL BE ASSISTING IN YOUR OPERATION TODAY. OH, GOOD.

YOUR OPERATION TODAY. OH, GOOD. NICE TO SEE YOU.

OH, GOOD. NICE TO SEE YOU. OKAY.

NICE TO SEE YOU. OKAY. OKAY.

OKAY. OKAY. GOOD.

OKAY. GOOD. HE'S CLUMSY, BUT NOT WHEN IT

GOOD. HE'S CLUMSY, BUT NOT WHEN IT COUNTS.

HE'S CLUMSY, BUT NOT WHEN IT COUNTS. AND THE MAN YOU MET EARLIER,

COUNTS. AND THE MAN YOU MET EARLIER, DR. BERNARD MILLMAN, FORMERLY OF

AND THE MAN YOU MET EARLIER, DR. BERNARD MILLMAN, FORMERLY OF THE LONDON HEART INSTITUTE.

DR. BERNARD MILLMAN, FORMERLY OF THE LONDON HEART INSTITUTE. ENGLAND... FROM ENGLAND.

THE LONDON HEART INSTITUTE. ENGLAND... FROM ENGLAND. GEE, ALL OVER THE WORLD.

ENGLAND... FROM ENGLAND. GEE, ALL OVER THE WORLD. YEAH, ALL OVER THE WORLD.

GEE, ALL OVER THE WORLD. YEAH, ALL OVER THE WORLD. IT WAS EASIER TO GET THEM FROM

YEAH, ALL OVER THE WORLD. IT WAS EASIER TO GET THEM FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD.

IT WAS EASIER TO GET THEM FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD. YEAH, IT MAKES SENSE.

ALL OVER THE WORLD. YEAH, IT MAKES SENSE. ALL RIGHT.

YEAH, IT MAKES SENSE. ALL RIGHT. AND THEN WE WERE AT SURGERY.

ALL RIGHT. AND THEN WE WERE AT SURGERY. THE PORTERS SAID A BRIEF

AND THEN WE WERE AT SURGERY. THE PORTERS SAID A BRIEF GOODBYE.

THE PORTERS SAID A BRIEF GOODBYE. BYE-BYE, HONEY.

GOODBYE. BYE-BYE, HONEY. I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

BYE-BYE, HONEY. I'LL SEE YOU LATER. HERE, WAIT.

I'LL SEE YOU LATER. HERE, WAIT. TAKE THIS LITTLE TOY.

HERE, WAIT. TAKE THIS LITTLE TOY. ALL RIGHT.

TAKE THIS LITTLE TOY. ALL RIGHT. OKAY.

ALL RIGHT. OKAY. THE MOMENT I'D BEEN WAITING FOR

OKAY. THE MOMENT I'D BEEN WAITING FOR SINCE I WAS 7 YEARS OLD WAS

THE MOMENT I'D BEEN WAITING FOR SINCE I WAS 7 YEARS OLD WAS FINALLY COMING.

SINCE I WAS 7 YEARS OLD WAS FINALLY COMING. TAKE THIS LITTLE TOY, TOO,

FINALLY COMING. TAKE THIS LITTLE TOY, TOO, MRS. PORTER.

TAKE THIS LITTLE TOY, TOO, MRS. PORTER. I WAS NO LONGER "MISTER"... I

MRS. PORTER. I WAS NO LONGER "MISTER"... I WAS "DOCTOR"...

I WAS NO LONGER "MISTER"... I WAS "DOCTOR"... DR. ALBERT BROOKS.

WAS "DOCTOR"... DR. ALBERT BROOKS. DR. ALBERT BROOKS.

DR. ALBERT BROOKS. DR. ALBERT BROOKS. ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY, GOOD LUCK.

DR. ALBERT BROOKS. ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY, GOOD LUCK. MARK THE TIME.

ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY, GOOD LUCK. MARK THE TIME. HERE WE GO.

MARK THE TIME. HERE WE GO. NO, NO, NO, NO.

HERE WE GO. NO, NO, NO, NO. OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

NO, NO, NO, NO. OKAY, ALL RIGHT. [SCOFFS]

OKAY, ALL RIGHT. [SCOFFS] I PRAY IT DOESN'T HURT.

[SCOFFS] I PRAY IT DOESN'T HURT. I PRAY IT DOESN'T HURT.

I PRAY IT DOESN'T HURT. I PRAY IT DOESN'T HURT. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING...

I PRAY IT DOESN'T HURT. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING... I'LL PRAY IT DOESN'T HURT.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING... I'LL PRAY IT DOESN'T HURT. WHY IS HE AWAKE?

I'LL PRAY IT DOESN'T HURT. WHY IS HE AWAKE? WHERE'S THE ANESTHESIOLOGIST?

WHY IS HE AWAKE? WHERE'S THE ANESTHESIOLOGIST? I DON'T KNOW, BUT YOU'RE THE

WHERE'S THE ANESTHESIOLOGIST? I DON'T KNOW, BUT YOU'RE THE CHIEF.

I DON'T KNOW, BUT YOU'RE THE CHIEF. [LAUGHS]

CHIEF. [LAUGHS] LOOK, I HAVE BEEN UP FOR A

[LAUGHS] LOOK, I HAVE BEEN UP FOR A WEEK.

LOOK, I HAVE BEEN UP FOR A WEEK. I HAVE A VERY BAD SORE THROAT.

WEEK. I HAVE A VERY BAD SORE THROAT. DON'T START WITH ME.

I HAVE A VERY BAD SORE THROAT. DON'T START WITH ME. HE DON'T FEEL VERY WELL.

DON'T START WITH ME. HE DON'T FEEL VERY WELL. LEAVE HIM ALONE.

HE DON'T FEEL VERY WELL. LEAVE HIM ALONE. THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

LEAVE HIM ALONE. THAT'S ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. I'LL GO SEE IF I CAN FIND HIM.

ALL RIGHT. I'LL GO SEE IF I CAN FIND HIM. ALL RIGHT.

I'LL GO SEE IF I CAN FIND HIM. ALL RIGHT. LET'S TAKE A BREAK TILL HE GETS

ALL RIGHT. LET'S TAKE A BREAK TILL HE GETS HERE.

LET'S TAKE A BREAK TILL HE GETS HERE. YOU CAN RELAX.

HERE. YOU CAN RELAX. WE'RE GONNA TAKE A LITTLE BREAK.

YOU CAN RELAX. WE'RE GONNA TAKE A LITTLE BREAK. THIS IS A VERY DIFFICULT

WE'RE GONNA TAKE A LITTLE BREAK. THIS IS A VERY DIFFICULT POSITION TO PUT A PATIENT IN...

THIS IS A VERY DIFFICULT POSITION TO PUT A PATIENT IN... READY FOR SURGERY AND THEN

POSITION TO PUT A PATIENT IN... READY FOR SURGERY AND THEN HAVING TO HALT IT.

READY FOR SURGERY AND THEN HAVING TO HALT IT. I TRIED TO ENTERTAIN MR. PORTER

HAVING TO HALT IT. I TRIED TO ENTERTAIN MR. PORTER WHILE WE WAITED.

I TRIED TO ENTERTAIN MR. PORTER WHILE WE WAITED. YEAH?

WHILE WE WAITED. YEAH? "UH, HELLO, HELLO.

YEAH? "UH, HELLO, HELLO. HOW YOU DOING?

"UH, HELLO, HELLO. HOW YOU DOING? HOW YOU DOING?"

HOW YOU DOING? HOW YOU DOING?" [LAUGHTER]

HOW YOU DOING?" [LAUGHTER] "HOW'S EVERYTHING DOING?"

[LAUGHTER] "HOW'S EVERYTHING DOING?" "OH, PRETTY GOOD."

"HOW'S EVERYTHING DOING?" "OH, PRETTY GOOD." TIME PASSED ON.

TIME PASSED ON. MR. PORTER READ FOR A BIT.

MR. PORTER READ FOR A BIT. AND THEN, AT 2:35, ONE HOUR AND 5 MINUTES LATER, DR. PAT SUTER

AND THEN, AT 2:35, ONE HOUR AND 5 MINUTES LATER, DR. PAT SUTER ARRIVED.

5 MINUTES LATER, DR. PAT SUTER ARRIVED. I'M SORRY I'M LATE.

ARRIVED. I'M SORRY I'M LATE. I JUST HAD... MY TIMES WERE ALL

I'M SORRY I'M LATE. I JUST HAD... MY TIMES WERE ALL SCREWED UP.

I JUST HAD... MY TIMES WERE ALL SCREWED UP. I'M SORRY.

SCREWED UP. I'M SORRY. DR. SUTER IS A FINE

I'M SORRY. DR. SUTER IS A FINE ANESTHESIOLOGIST AND SIMPLY DID

DR. SUTER IS A FINE ANESTHESIOLOGIST AND SIMPLY DID NOT KNOW WHAT TIME IT WAS.

ANESTHESIOLOGIST AND SIMPLY DID NOT KNOW WHAT TIME IT WAS. I BETTER TAKE THIS FROM YOU.

NOT KNOW WHAT TIME IT WAS. I BETTER TAKE THIS FROM YOU. AFTER A BIT OF PREPARATION, WE

I BETTER TAKE THIS FROM YOU. AFTER A BIT OF PREPARATION, WE WERE READY TO START ONCE AGAIN.

AFTER A BIT OF PREPARATION, WE WERE READY TO START ONCE AGAIN. I KNOW, I KNOW... OVER.

WERE READY TO START ONCE AGAIN. I KNOW, I KNOW... OVER. ALL RIGHT.

I KNOW, I KNOW... OVER. ALL RIGHT. [INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]

ALL RIGHT. [INDISTINCT CONVERSATION] QUIET.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION] QUIET. [CONVERSATION STOPS]

QUIET. [CONVERSATION STOPS] HEMOSTAT.

[CONVERSATION STOPS] HEMOSTAT. HE'S NOT EVEN BLEEDING.

HEMOSTAT. HE'S NOT EVEN BLEEDING. HILLER WAS RIGHT... HE WASN'T

HE'S NOT EVEN BLEEDING. HILLER WAS RIGHT... HE WASN'T BLEEDING.

HILLER WAS RIGHT... HE WASN'T BLEEDING. I COULDN'T CUT HIM.

BLEEDING. I COULDN'T CUT HIM. WHAT WAS I DOING IN THERE?

I COULDN'T CUT HIM. WHAT WAS I DOING IN THERE? I WAS SORRY I HAD TAKEN THIS

WHAT WAS I DOING IN THERE? I WAS SORRY I HAD TAKEN THIS WHOLE PROJECT ON.

I WAS SORRY I HAD TAKEN THIS WHOLE PROJECT ON. I BELONGED ON A STAGE, NOT IN AN

WHOLE PROJECT ON. I BELONGED ON A STAGE, NOT IN AN OPERATING ROOM.

I BELONGED ON A STAGE, NOT IN AN OPERATING ROOM. I WANTED OUT.

OPERATING ROOM. I WANTED OUT. I WASN'T FEELING WELL.

I WANTED OUT. I WASN'T FEELING WELL. BOY, THEY HAD A LOT OF DRUGS IN

I WASN'T FEELING WELL. BOY, THEY HAD A LOT OF DRUGS IN THERE.

BOY, THEY HAD A LOT OF DRUGS IN THERE. AND THEN I THOUGHT, "WAIT A

THERE. AND THEN I THOUGHT, "WAIT A MINUTE.

AND THEN I THOUGHT, "WAIT A MINUTE. AM I GONNA CHICKEN OUT, LIKE

MINUTE. AM I GONNA CHICKEN OUT, LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE I'VE EVER DONE?

AM I GONNA CHICKEN OUT, LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE I'VE EVER DONE? I PUT THIS WHOLE THING TOGETHER.

EVERYTHING ELSE I'VE EVER DONE? I PUT THIS WHOLE THING TOGETHER. I'M FULLY INSURED."

I PUT THIS WHOLE THING TOGETHER. I'M FULLY INSURED." AND I WALK OVER WITH A COURAGE

I'M FULLY INSURED." AND I WALK OVER WITH A COURAGE I'D NEVER KNOWN BEFORE.

AND I WALK OVER WITH A COURAGE I'D NEVER KNOWN BEFORE. AND IN LESS THAN 20 MINUTES, I

I'D NEVER KNOWN BEFORE. AND IN LESS THAN 20 MINUTES, I WAS IN THERE LIKE I'D BEEN DOING

AND IN LESS THAN 20 MINUTES, I WAS IN THERE LIKE I'D BEEN DOING IT MY WHOLE LIFE.

WAS IN THERE LIKE I'D BEEN DOING IT MY WHOLE LIFE. [WHISTLES]

IT MY WHOLE LIFE. [WHISTLES] EXCEPT FOR A FEW OF DR. HILLER'S

[WHISTLES] EXCEPT FOR A FEW OF DR. HILLER'S UNNECESSARY WARNINGS, I WAS

EXCEPT FOR A FEW OF DR. HILLER'S UNNECESSARY WARNINGS, I WAS ACTUALLY HAVING A GOOD TIME.

UNNECESSARY WARNINGS, I WAS ACTUALLY HAVING A GOOD TIME. [MACHINERY WHIRRS]

ACTUALLY HAVING A GOOD TIME. [MACHINERY WHIRRS] CAREFUL.

[MACHINERY WHIRRS] CAREFUL. WATCH OUT! WATCH OUT!

CAREFUL. WATCH OUT! WATCH OUT! I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.

WATCH OUT! WATCH OUT! I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING. WATCH OUT!

I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING. WATCH OUT! "WATCH OUT!" WHAT?

WATCH OUT! "WATCH OUT!" WHAT? YOU'LL CUT THE AORTA.

"WATCH OUT!" WHAT? YOU'LL CUT THE AORTA. I'M NOT GONNA CUT THE AORTA.

YOU'LL CUT THE AORTA. I'M NOT GONNA CUT THE AORTA. [SIGHS]

I'M NOT GONNA CUT THE AORTA. [SIGHS] BE CAREFUL.

[SIGHS] BE CAREFUL. TAKE IT... TAKE IT EASY, DOC.

BE CAREFUL. TAKE IT... TAKE IT EASY, DOC. JUST TAKE IT EASY.

TAKE IT... TAKE IT EASY, DOC. JUST TAKE IT EASY. LOOK, I'M ALL RIGHT.

JUST TAKE IT EASY. LOOK, I'M ALL RIGHT. WATCH OUT FOR THAT RIGHT

LOOK, I'M ALL RIGHT. WATCH OUT FOR THAT RIGHT ATRIAL APPENDAGE.

WATCH OUT FOR THAT RIGHT ATRIAL APPENDAGE. DON'T GIVE ME THESE BIG

ATRIAL APPENDAGE. DON'T GIVE ME THESE BIG WORDS, OKAY?

DON'T GIVE ME THESE BIG WORDS, OKAY? LOOK, YOU'RE MAKING ME ANGRY!

WORDS, OKAY? LOOK, YOU'RE MAKING ME ANGRY! MAKING YOU ANGRY?!

LOOK, YOU'RE MAKING ME ANGRY! MAKING YOU ANGRY?! YES!

MAKING YOU ANGRY?! YES! I'M MAKING YOU ANGRY?!

YES! I'M MAKING YOU ANGRY?! WELL, IT FINALLY HAPPENED.

I'M MAKING YOU ANGRY?! WELL, IT FINALLY HAPPENED. THE ARGUMENT THAT HAD BEEN

WELL, IT FINALLY HAPPENED. THE ARGUMENT THAT HAD BEEN BREWING ALL DAY BROKE LOOSE.

THE ARGUMENT THAT HAD BEEN BREWING ALL DAY BROKE LOOSE. THIS MAN DID NOT KNOW HIS PLACE.

BREWING ALL DAY BROKE LOOSE. THIS MAN DID NOT KNOW HIS PLACE. I, HOWEVER, KNEW WE HAD A JOB TO

THIS MAN DID NOT KNOW HIS PLACE. I, HOWEVER, KNEW WE HAD A JOB TO DO AND DID MY BEST TO PATCH

I, HOWEVER, KNEW WE HAD A JOB TO DO AND DID MY BEST TO PATCH THINGS UP.

DO AND DID MY BEST TO PATCH THINGS UP. WHO HIRED YOU?

THINGS UP. WHO HIRED YOU? YOU DID.

WHO HIRED YOU? YOU DID. WHO'S PAYING FOR THIS?

YOU DID. WHO'S PAYING FOR THIS? YOU DID.

WHO'S PAYING FOR THIS? YOU DID. WHO TOOK OUT THE AD?

YOU DID. WHO TOOK OUT THE AD? YOU DID.

WHO TOOK OUT THE AD? YOU DID. OKAY. DO YOU WANT TO GO BACK

YOU DID. OKAY. DO YOU WANT TO GO BACK TO WHERE YOU LIVE?

OKAY. DO YOU WANT TO GO BACK TO WHERE YOU LIVE? YOU WANT TO GO BACK TO EUROPE,

TO WHERE YOU LIVE? YOU WANT TO GO BACK TO EUROPE, HUH?

YOU WANT TO GO BACK TO EUROPE, HUH? NO, YOU'RE IN CHARGE.

HUH? NO, YOU'RE IN CHARGE. "DR. I CAN'T WORK IN THIS

NO, YOU'RE IN CHARGE. "DR. I CAN'T WORK IN THIS COUNTRY."

"DR. I CAN'T WORK IN THIS COUNTRY." I WILL ASSIST YOU,

COUNTRY." I WILL ASSIST YOU, MR. BROOKS.

I WILL ASSIST YOU, MR. BROOKS. YEAH, I'M SURE YOU WILL.

MR. BROOKS. YEAH, I'M SURE YOU WILL. HEMOSTAT.

YEAH, I'M SURE YOU WILL. HEMOSTAT. LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO FIGHT

HEMOSTAT. LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO FIGHT WITH YOU.

LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO FIGHT WITH YOU. I DON'T WANT TO FIGHT WITH YOU.

WITH YOU. I DON'T WANT TO FIGHT WITH YOU. SPONGE.

I DON'T WANT TO FIGHT WITH YOU. SPONGE. LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.

SPONGE. LOOK, LOOK, LOOK. LET ME JUST ASK YOU ONE THING...

LOOK, LOOK, LOOK. LET ME JUST ASK YOU ONE THING... HAVE I DONE A TERRIBLE JOB SO

LET ME JUST ASK YOU ONE THING... HAVE I DONE A TERRIBLE JOB SO FAR?

HAVE I DONE A TERRIBLE JOB SO FAR? WELL, NO, NOT REALLY.

FAR? WELL, NO, NOT REALLY. GIVE ME ANOTHER HEMOSTAT

WELL, NO, NOT REALLY. GIVE ME ANOTHER HEMOSTAT HERE.

GIVE ME ANOTHER HEMOSTAT HERE. IS THE VENA CAVA CANNULATED?

HERE. IS THE VENA CAVA CANNULATED? YES.

IS THE VENA CAVA CANNULATED? YES. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

YES. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? IT MEANS HE'S DOING FINE AND

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? IT MEANS HE'S DOING FINE AND READY TO DO THE BYPASS.

IT MEANS HE'S DOING FINE AND READY TO DO THE BYPASS. OKAY. OKAY.

READY TO DO THE BYPASS. OKAY. OKAY. JUST BE CAREFUL.

OKAY. OKAY. JUST BE CAREFUL. OKAY.

JUST BE CAREFUL. OKAY. OKAY.

OKAY. OKAY. OKAY. LET'S CONNECT THE

OKAY. OKAY. LET'S CONNECT THE HEART-LUNG MACHINE.

OKAY. LET'S CONNECT THE HEART-LUNG MACHINE. LET'S DO IT.

HEART-LUNG MACHINE. LET'S DO IT. YOU DIDN'T PULL THE VEIN YET.

LET'S DO IT. YOU DIDN'T PULL THE VEIN YET. THE WHAT?

YOU DIDN'T PULL THE VEIN YET. THE WHAT? THE SAPHENOUS VEIN FROM THE

THE WHAT? THE SAPHENOUS VEIN FROM THE LEG, REMEMBER?

THE SAPHENOUS VEIN FROM THE LEG, REMEMBER? WHAT WERE YOU GOING TO USE FOR

LEG, REMEMBER? WHAT WERE YOU GOING TO USE FOR THE BYPASS, HMM?

WHAT WERE YOU GOING TO USE FOR THE BYPASS, HMM? NEVER MIND.

THE BYPASS, HMM? NEVER MIND. IT'S ALL RIGHT.

NEVER MIND. IT'S ALL RIGHT. I HAD LESTER AND STEVENS DO IT

IT'S ALL RIGHT. I HAD LESTER AND STEVENS DO IT WHILE YOU WERE WORKING ON THE

I HAD LESTER AND STEVENS DO IT WHILE YOU WERE WORKING ON THE CHEST.

WHILE YOU WERE WORKING ON THE CHEST. CLAMP.

CHEST. CLAMP. YOU WHAT?!

CLAMP. YOU WHAT?! MM-HMM.

YOU WHAT?! MM-HMM. YOU FOOL!

MM-HMM. YOU FOOL! YOU STUPID FOOL!

YOU FOOL! YOU STUPID FOOL! YOU OPENED THAT MAN'S LEG

YOU STUPID FOOL! YOU OPENED THAT MAN'S LEG WITHOUT TELLING ME?!

YOU OPENED THAT MAN'S LEG WITHOUT TELLING ME?! I HAD A WAY OF SAVING THAT

WITHOUT TELLING ME?! I HAD A WAY OF SAVING THAT 80-YEAR-OLD MAN FROM LEG

I HAD A WAY OF SAVING THAT 80-YEAR-OLD MAN FROM LEG SURGERY!

80-YEAR-OLD MAN FROM LEG SURGERY! YOU FOOL!

SURGERY! YOU FOOL! LOOK... A SYNTHETIC MIRACLE

YOU FOOL! LOOK... A SYNTHETIC MIRACLE VEIN!

LOOK... A SYNTHETIC MIRACLE VEIN! WE DIDN'T HAVE TO OPEN HIS LEG!

VEIN! WE DIDN'T HAVE TO OPEN HIS LEG! [LAUGHTER]

WE DIDN'T HAVE TO OPEN HIS LEG! [LAUGHTER] WELL, AS ANY FIRST-YEAR MEDICAL

[LAUGHTER] WELL, AS ANY FIRST-YEAR MEDICAL STUDENT KNOWS, I WAS THE VICTIM

WELL, AS ANY FIRST-YEAR MEDICAL STUDENT KNOWS, I WAS THE VICTIM OF THE OLD FAKE-VEIN TRICK.

STUDENT KNOWS, I WAS THE VICTIM OF THE OLD FAKE-VEIN TRICK. TWO INTERNS SOLD ME A PIECE OF

OF THE OLD FAKE-VEIN TRICK. TWO INTERNS SOLD ME A PIECE OF RUBBER TUBING AND TOLD ME IT WAS

TWO INTERNS SOLD ME A PIECE OF RUBBER TUBING AND TOLD ME IT WAS A SYNTHETIC MIRACLE.

RUBBER TUBING AND TOLD ME IT WAS A SYNTHETIC MIRACLE. BUT I MUST ADMIT, IT BROKE THE

A SYNTHETIC MIRACLE. BUT I MUST ADMIT, IT BROKE THE TENSION.

BUT I MUST ADMIT, IT BROKE THE TENSION. YOU STUPID JERK.

TENSION. YOU STUPID JERK. AND FOR THE FIRST TIME THAT

YOU STUPID JERK. AND FOR THE FIRST TIME THAT DAY, WE BEGAN WORKING AS A TEAM.

AND FOR THE FIRST TIME THAT DAY, WE BEGAN WORKING AS A TEAM. [LAUGHTER]

DAY, WE BEGAN WORKING AS A TEAM. [LAUGHTER] THE HEART-LUNG MACHINE WAS

[LAUGHTER] THE HEART-LUNG MACHINE WAS CONNECTED.

THE HEART-LUNG MACHINE WAS CONNECTED. CLAMP.

CONNECTED. CLAMP. SHOULD WE START?

CLAMP. SHOULD WE START? THINGS PROCEEDED SMOOTHLY FOR

SHOULD WE START? THINGS PROCEEDED SMOOTHLY FOR THE NEXT HOUR...

THINGS PROCEEDED SMOOTHLY FOR THE NEXT HOUR... SO SMOOTHLY, IN FACT, THAT WHEN

THE NEXT HOUR... SO SMOOTHLY, IN FACT, THAT WHEN I NOTICED MRS. PORTER'S FACE AT

SO SMOOTHLY, IN FACT, THAT WHEN I NOTICED MRS. PORTER'S FACE AT THE DOOR, I THOUGHT SHE'D

I NOTICED MRS. PORTER'S FACE AT THE DOOR, I THOUGHT SHE'D POSSIBLY LIKE TO COME IN AND

THE DOOR, I THOUGHT SHE'D POSSIBLY LIKE TO COME IN AND TAKE A PEEK.

POSSIBLY LIKE TO COME IN AND TAKE A PEEK. HI. HOW YOU DOING?

TAKE A PEEK. HI. HOW YOU DOING? HI, ALBERT.

HI. HOW YOU DOING? HI, ALBERT. HOW YOU FEELING?

HI, ALBERT. HOW YOU FEELING? OH, MY THROAT STILL HURTS.

HOW YOU FEELING? OH, MY THROAT STILL HURTS. STILL HURTING, HUH?

OH, MY THROAT STILL HURTS. STILL HURTING, HUH? CAN'T BEAR YOU TO SEE ME LOOKING

STILL HURTING, HUH? CAN'T BEAR YOU TO SEE ME LOOKING LIKE THIS, BUT THEY MADE ME PUT

CAN'T BEAR YOU TO SEE ME LOOKING LIKE THIS, BUT THEY MADE ME PUT THIS STERILE GOWN ON.

LIKE THIS, BUT THEY MADE ME PUT THIS STERILE GOWN ON. OH, NO, IT'S FINE.

THIS STERILE GOWN ON. OH, NO, IT'S FINE. REAL DOCTORS DON'T LIKE TO HAVE

OH, NO, IT'S FINE. REAL DOCTORS DON'T LIKE TO HAVE RELATIVES COME IN DURING

REAL DOCTORS DON'T LIKE TO HAVE RELATIVES COME IN DURING SURGERY, BUT I THOUGHT SHE'D

RELATIVES COME IN DURING SURGERY, BUT I THOUGHT SHE'D ENJOY TAKING A LOOK.

SURGERY, BUT I THOUGHT SHE'D ENJOY TAKING A LOOK. OH, WHAT ARE THEY DOING?

ENJOY TAKING A LOOK. OH, WHAT ARE THEY DOING? OH, WELL, RIGHT NOW, I THINK

OH, WHAT ARE THEY DOING? OH, WELL, RIGHT NOW, I THINK THAT'S THE AORTA THERE...

OH, WELL, RIGHT NOW, I THINK THAT'S THE AORTA THERE... THEY'RE PUTTING THE VEINS IN

THAT'S THE AORTA THERE... THEY'RE PUTTING THE VEINS IN THAT.

THEY'RE PUTTING THE VEINS IN THAT. AND WHAT'S THIS OVER HERE?

THAT. AND WHAT'S THIS OVER HERE? OH, I GUESS IT'S THE LUNG.

AND WHAT'S THIS OVER HERE? OH, I GUESS IT'S THE LUNG. IT LOOKS LIKE THE LUNG.

OH, I GUESS IT'S THE LUNG. IT LOOKS LIKE THE LUNG. AND DOWN THERE?

IT LOOKS LIKE THE LUNG. AND DOWN THERE? I DON'T KNOW.

AND DOWN THERE? I DON'T KNOW. I CAN'T SEE IT.

I DON'T KNOW. I CAN'T SEE IT. MRS. PORTER HAD A NATURAL

I CAN'T SEE IT. MRS. PORTER HAD A NATURAL CURIOSITY.

MRS. PORTER HAD A NATURAL CURIOSITY. AND HOW ABOUT RIGHT OVER

CURIOSITY. AND HOW ABOUT RIGHT OVER HERE?

AND HOW ABOUT RIGHT OVER HERE? ALL RIGHT, I THINK IT'S THE

HERE? ALL RIGHT, I THINK IT'S THE OTHER LUNG.

ALL RIGHT, I THINK IT'S THE OTHER LUNG. OH. WHERE WOULD THAT BE ON

OTHER LUNG. OH. WHERE WOULD THAT BE ON ME?

OH. WHERE WOULD THAT BE ON ME? I THINK IT WOULD BE THE SAME

ME? I THINK IT WOULD BE THE SAME ON YOU.

I THINK IT WOULD BE THE SAME ON YOU. SAME OVER HERE?

ON YOU. SAME OVER HERE? YEAH, SAME.

SAME OVER HERE? YEAH, SAME. TIE THAT BLEEDER.

YEAH, SAME. TIE THAT BLEEDER. OKAY, I JUST THOUGHT YOU

TIE THAT BLEEDER. OKAY, I JUST THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO TAKE A LITTLE PEEK.

OKAY, I JUST THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO TAKE A LITTLE PEEK. I SHOWED HER OUT.

WANTED TO TAKE A LITTLE PEEK. I SHOWED HER OUT. YOU KNOW, RALPH LOOKS PRETTY

I SHOWED HER OUT. YOU KNOW, RALPH LOOKS PRETTY GOOD.

YOU KNOW, RALPH LOOKS PRETTY GOOD. YEAH, I THINK SO.

GOOD. YEAH, I THINK SO. BY THE WAY, DID I TELL YOU I

YEAH, I THINK SO. BY THE WAY, DID I TELL YOU I HAVE A SON THAT DOES COMEDY?

BY THE WAY, DID I TELL YOU I HAVE A SON THAT DOES COMEDY? YEAH, WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT

HAVE A SON THAT DOES COMEDY? YEAH, WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT LATER, OKAY?

YEAH, WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT LATER, OKAY? OKAY.

LATER, OKAY? OKAY. SPONGE, PLEASE, AND A CLAMP.

OKAY. SPONGE, PLEASE, AND A CLAMP. WE WENT BACK TO WORK.

SPONGE, PLEASE, AND A CLAMP. WE WENT BACK TO WORK. THE NEXT 35 MINUTES, THINGS

WE WENT BACK TO WORK. THE NEXT 35 MINUTES, THINGS PROCEEDED AS SMOOTHLY AS COULD

THE NEXT 35 MINUTES, THINGS PROCEEDED AS SMOOTHLY AS COULD BE, AND THEN IT HAPPENED.

PROCEEDED AS SMOOTHLY AS COULD BE, AND THEN IT HAPPENED. AT 5:45, 3 HOURS AND 11 MINUTES

BE, AND THEN IT HAPPENED. AT 5:45, 3 HOURS AND 11 MINUTES INTO THE OPERATION, THE

AT 5:45, 3 HOURS AND 11 MINUTES INTO THE OPERATION, THE UNEXPECTED, UNWANTED EMERGENCY.

INTO THE OPERATION, THE UNEXPECTED, UNWANTED EMERGENCY. DR. PAT SUTER, THE

UNEXPECTED, UNWANTED EMERGENCY. DR. PAT SUTER, THE ANESTHESIOLOGIST, DIED OF AN

DR. PAT SUTER, THE ANESTHESIOLOGIST, DIED OF AN APPARENT HEART ATTACK.

ANESTHESIOLOGIST, DIED OF AN APPARENT HEART ATTACK. HE WAS OVERWEIGHT AND OUT OF

APPARENT HEART ATTACK. HE WAS OVERWEIGHT AND OUT OF SHAPE.

HE WAS OVERWEIGHT AND OUT OF SHAPE. STAND BACK, MRS. PORTER.

SHAPE. STAND BACK, MRS. PORTER. OH, MY GOD! RALPH!

STAND BACK, MRS. PORTER. OH, MY GOD! RALPH! NO, NO, NO.

OH, MY GOD! RALPH! NO, NO, NO. IT'S ONE OF THE DOCTORS.

NO, NO, NO. IT'S ONE OF THE DOCTORS. OH, THANK GOD!

IT'S ONE OF THE DOCTORS. OH, THANK GOD! I HAD NO IDEA OF HIS

OH, THANK GOD! I HAD NO IDEA OF HIS CONDITION WHEN I INTERVIEWED HIM

I HAD NO IDEA OF HIS CONDITION WHEN I INTERVIEWED HIM ON THE PHONE.

CONDITION WHEN I INTERVIEWED HIM ON THE PHONE. WE'RE GONNA NEED THAT LITTLE

ON THE PHONE. WE'RE GONNA NEED THAT LITTLE TABLE BACK LATER, OKAY?

WE'RE GONNA NEED THAT LITTLE TABLE BACK LATER, OKAY? WE WORKED ON WITHOUT HIM, BUT

TABLE BACK LATER, OKAY? WE WORKED ON WITHOUT HIM, BUT THEN MR. PORTER BEGAN COMING OUT

WE WORKED ON WITHOUT HIM, BUT THEN MR. PORTER BEGAN COMING OUT OF THE ANESTHETIC.

THEN MR. PORTER BEGAN COMING OUT OF THE ANESTHETIC. ♪ BUY ME SOME PEANUTS AND

OF THE ANESTHETIC. ♪ BUY ME SOME PEANUTS AND CRACKER JACK ♪

♪ BUY ME SOME PEANUTS AND CRACKER JACK ♪ ♪ TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALLGAME ♪

CRACKER JACK ♪ ♪ TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALLGAME ♪ OHH.

♪ TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALLGAME ♪ OHH. ♪ TAKE ME OUT WHERE THERE'S A

OHH. ♪ TAKE ME OUT WHERE THERE'S A CROWD ♪

♪ TAKE ME OUT WHERE THERE'S A CROWD ♪ WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

CROWD ♪ WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? THE ANESTHETIC'S WORN OFF.

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? THE ANESTHETIC'S WORN OFF. HE'S COMING OUT OF IT.

THE ANESTHETIC'S WORN OFF. HE'S COMING OUT OF IT. GIVE HIM SOME MORE!

HE'S COMING OUT OF IT. GIVE HIM SOME MORE! THERE'S NOBODY HERE WHO'S

GIVE HIM SOME MORE! THERE'S NOBODY HERE WHO'S QUALIFIED TO DO THAT.

THERE'S NOBODY HERE WHO'S QUALIFIED TO DO THAT. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO

QUALIFIED TO DO THAT. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO DO EVERYTHING IN SWEDEN!

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO DO EVERYTHING IN SWEDEN! WELL, WE'RE NOT IN SWEDEN.

DO EVERYTHING IN SWEDEN! WELL, WE'RE NOT IN SWEDEN. WE CAN'T DO IT. COME ON.

WELL, WE'RE NOT IN SWEDEN. WE CAN'T DO IT. COME ON. THERE'S NOTHING TO DO.

WE CAN'T DO IT. COME ON. THERE'S NOTHING TO DO. IT'S A RACE AGAINST TIME.

THERE'S NOTHING TO DO. IT'S A RACE AGAINST TIME. JUST SEW HIM UP.

IT'S A RACE AGAINST TIME. JUST SEW HIM UP. JUST KEEP ON SEWING.

JUST SEW HIM UP. JUST KEEP ON SEWING. HOW AM I GONNA SEW HIM UP

JUST KEEP ON SEWING. HOW AM I GONNA SEW HIM UP WHEN HE'S SINGING "BUY ME SOME

HOW AM I GONNA SEW HIM UP WHEN HE'S SINGING "BUY ME SOME PEANUTS AND CRACKER JACK"?!

WHEN HE'S SINGING "BUY ME SOME PEANUTS AND CRACKER JACK"?! HE'S HAPPY. HE'S HAPPY.

PEANUTS AND CRACKER JACK"?! HE'S HAPPY. HE'S HAPPY. KEEP SEWING.

HE'S HAPPY. HE'S HAPPY. KEEP SEWING. OH, STOP WITH THE PEANUTS AND

KEEP SEWING. OH, STOP WITH THE PEANUTS AND CRACKER JACKS!

OH, STOP WITH THE PEANUTS AND CRACKER JACKS! THE LAST STITCH WAS SEWN IN AT

CRACKER JACKS! THE LAST STITCH WAS SEWN IN AT EXACTLY 6:52.

THE LAST STITCH WAS SEWN IN AT EXACTLY 6:52. AS WE WHEELED MR. PORTER OUT, HE

EXACTLY 6:52. AS WE WHEELED MR. PORTER OUT, HE CONTINUED TO SING.

AS WE WHEELED MR. PORTER OUT, HE CONTINUED TO SING. ♪ PEANUTS AND CRACKER JACK ♪

CONTINUED TO SING. ♪ PEANUTS AND CRACKER JACK ♪ ♪ PEANUTS AND CRACKER JACK ♪

♪ PEANUTS AND CRACKER JACK ♪ ♪ PEANUTS AND CRACKER JACK ♪ HONEY, YOU DON'T WANT TO EAT.

♪ PEANUTS AND CRACKER JACK ♪ HONEY, YOU DON'T WANT TO EAT. YOU JUST HAD SURGERY.

HONEY, YOU DON'T WANT TO EAT. YOU JUST HAD SURGERY. NO, NO, HE'S DELIRIOUS.

YOU JUST HAD SURGERY. NO, NO, HE'S DELIRIOUS. OH.

NO, NO, HE'S DELIRIOUS. OH. HERE.

OH. HERE. HE CONTINUED SINGING "PEANUTS

HERE. HE CONTINUED SINGING "PEANUTS AND CRACKER JACKS" AS HE WAS

HE CONTINUED SINGING "PEANUTS AND CRACKER JACKS" AS HE WAS WHEELED INTO INTENSIVE CARE.

AND CRACKER JACKS" AS HE WAS WHEELED INTO INTENSIVE CARE. ♪ PEANUTS AND CRACKER JACK ♪

WHEELED INTO INTENSIVE CARE. ♪ PEANUTS AND CRACKER JACK ♪ I WANTED TO STOP WITH

♪ PEANUTS AND CRACKER JACK ♪ I WANTED TO STOP WITH DR. HILLER FOR A MOMENT AND

I WANTED TO STOP WITH DR. HILLER FOR A MOMENT AND PATCH THINGS UP.

DR. HILLER FOR A MOMENT AND PATCH THINGS UP. I KNEW I'D NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN,

PATCH THINGS UP. I KNEW I'D NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN, AND I WANTED HIM TO KNOW THAT,

I KNEW I'D NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN, AND I WANTED HIM TO KNOW THAT, AS FAR AS I WAS CONCERNED,

AND I WANTED HIM TO KNOW THAT, AS FAR AS I WAS CONCERNED, EVERYTHING WAS ALL RIGHT.

AS FAR AS I WAS CONCERNED, EVERYTHING WAS ALL RIGHT. MM-HMM. WELL, WE HAD A

EVERYTHING WAS ALL RIGHT. MM-HMM. WELL, WE HAD A FINANCIAL ARRANGEMENT.

MM-HMM. WELL, WE HAD A FINANCIAL ARRANGEMENT. RIGHT. I HAVE THE CASH HERE.

FINANCIAL ARRANGEMENT. RIGHT. I HAVE THE CASH HERE. THIS IS PAYABLE ON THE CLOSING

RIGHT. I HAVE THE CASH HERE. THIS IS PAYABLE ON THE CLOSING STITCH, AND THEN IF HE'S ALL

THIS IS PAYABLE ON THE CLOSING STITCH, AND THEN IF HE'S ALL RIGHT... MR. PORTER'S OKAY, THE

STITCH, AND THEN IF HE'S ALL RIGHT... MR. PORTER'S OKAY, THE REST.

RIGHT... MR. PORTER'S OKAY, THE REST. LET'S HOPE HE LIVES.

REST. LET'S HOPE HE LIVES. [Chuckling] RIGHT.

LET'S HOPE HE LIVES. [Chuckling] RIGHT. [JET ENGINE ROARS]

[Chuckling] RIGHT. [JET ENGINE ROARS] MR. PORTER... HE LIVED.

[JET ENGINE ROARS] MR. PORTER... HE LIVED. AS A MATTER OF FACT, HE WAS BACK

MR. PORTER... HE LIVED. AS A MATTER OF FACT, HE WAS BACK ON HIS JOB IN LESS THAN SIX

AS A MATTER OF FACT, HE WAS BACK ON HIS JOB IN LESS THAN SIX WEEKS' TIME.

ON HIS JOB IN LESS THAN SIX WEEKS' TIME. MR. PORTER, SIR, HOW ARE YOU

WEEKS' TIME. MR. PORTER, SIR, HOW ARE YOU FEELING?

MR. PORTER, SIR, HOW ARE YOU FEELING? GOOD. HOW'S YOUR WIFE?

FEELING? GOOD. HOW'S YOUR WIFE? GOOD, SIR.

GOOD. HOW'S YOUR WIFE? GOOD, SIR. AND GOOD LUCK IN THE FUTURE.

GOOD, SIR. AND GOOD LUCK IN THE FUTURE. AND THANK YOU, MR. PORTER, FOR

AND GOOD LUCK IN THE FUTURE. AND THANK YOU, MR. PORTER, FOR AN EXPERIENCE I'LL NEVER FORGET.

AND THANK YOU, MR. PORTER, FOR AN EXPERIENCE I'LL NEVER FORGET. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

DARLING, IT'S GETTING LATE. I BETTER GET BACK. TED WILL BE WONDERING WHERE I

I BETTER GET BACK. TED WILL BE WONDERING WHERE I AM.

TED WILL BE WONDERING WHERE I AM. OH, TED, TED, TED.

AM. OH, TED, TED, TED. IT'S ALWAYS TED.

OH, TED, TED, TED. IT'S ALWAYS TED. WHAT ABOUT MY FEELINGS?

IT'S ALWAYS TED. WHAT ABOUT MY FEELINGS? HE'S MY HUSBAND.

WHAT ABOUT MY FEELINGS? HE'S MY HUSBAND. [SCOFFS]

HE'S MY HUSBAND. [SCOFFS] HE'S YOUR HUSBAND IN NAME ONLY.

[SCOFFS] HE'S YOUR HUSBAND IN NAME ONLY. YOU KNOW IT, AND I KNOW IT!

HE'S YOUR HUSBAND IN NAME ONLY. YOU KNOW IT, AND I KNOW IT! CAN'T WE DISCUSS THIS LIKE

YOU KNOW IT, AND I KNOW IT! CAN'T WE DISCUSS THIS LIKE ADULTS?

CAN'T WE DISCUSS THIS LIKE ADULTS? OH, YOU MEAN LIKE YOUR

ADULTS? OH, YOU MEAN LIKE YOUR PARENTS, WHO SPENT THEIR ENTIRE

OH, YOU MEAN LIKE YOUR PARENTS, WHO SPENT THEIR ENTIRE MARRIED LIFE LIVING AS

PARENTS, WHO SPENT THEIR ENTIRE MARRIED LIFE LIVING AS STRANGERS?

MARRIED LIFE LIVING AS STRANGERS? YOU SOUND LIKE MY BROTHER

STRANGERS? YOU SOUND LIKE MY BROTHER MARK.

YOU SOUND LIKE MY BROTHER MARK. MARK, MARK, MARK.

MARK. MARK, MARK, MARK. IT'S ALWAYS MARK.

MARK, MARK, MARK. IT'S ALWAYS MARK. WHAT ABOUT MY FEELINGS?

IT'S ALWAYS MARK. WHAT ABOUT MY FEELINGS? HONEY, YOU KNEW WHEN WE

WHAT ABOUT MY FEELINGS? HONEY, YOU KNEW WHEN WE STARTED THIS COULD NEVER LAST.

HONEY, YOU KNEW WHEN WE STARTED THIS COULD NEVER LAST. WE BOTH KNEW IT.

STARTED THIS COULD NEVER LAST. WE BOTH KNEW IT. OH, DARLING, MARRY ME.

WE BOTH KNEW IT. OH, DARLING, MARRY ME. SAY YES.

OH, DARLING, MARRY ME. SAY YES. OH, PLEASE, PLEASE, DON'T

SAY YES. OH, PLEASE, PLEASE, DON'T TORTURE ME!

OH, PLEASE, PLEASE, DON'T TORTURE ME! YOU COULD NEVER LEAVE THE KIDS.

TORTURE ME! YOU COULD NEVER LEAVE THE KIDS. AND JOYCE... JOYCE WOULD DIE.

YOU COULD NEVER LEAVE THE KIDS. AND JOYCE... JOYCE WOULD DIE. JOYCE, JOYCE, JOYCE.

AND JOYCE... JOYCE WOULD DIE. JOYCE, JOYCE, JOYCE. IT'S ALWAYS JOYCE!

JOYCE, JOYCE, JOYCE. IT'S ALWAYS JOYCE! WHAT ABOUT MY FEELINGS?

IT'S ALWAYS JOYCE! WHAT ABOUT MY FEELINGS? BESIDES, I COULD NEVER LEAVE

WHAT ABOUT MY FEELINGS? BESIDES, I COULD NEVER LEAVE TED... NOT NOW.

BESIDES, I COULD NEVER LEAVE TED... NOT NOW. NOT SINCE... THE ACCIDENT.

TED... NOT NOW. NOT SINCE... THE ACCIDENT. [MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]

NOT SINCE... THE ACCIDENT. [MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS] [SCOFFS]

[MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS] [SCOFFS] HE NEVER EVEN KNEW YOU EXISTED.

[SCOFFS] HE NEVER EVEN KNEW YOU EXISTED. AND NOW THAT HE'S IN A COMA,

HE NEVER EVEN KNEW YOU EXISTED. AND NOW THAT HE'S IN A COMA, HE'LL BE EVEN LESS INTERESTED.

AND NOW THAT HE'S IN A COMA, HE'LL BE EVEN LESS INTERESTED. HE NEEDS ME.

HE'LL BE EVEN LESS INTERESTED. HE NEEDS ME. HE NEEDS YOU?

HE NEEDS ME. HE NEEDS YOU? WHAT ABOUT MY FEELINGS?!

HE NEEDS YOU? WHAT ABOUT MY FEELINGS?! YOU'RE BITTER!

WHAT ABOUT MY FEELINGS?! YOU'RE BITTER! SURE, I'M BITTER!

YOU'RE BITTER! SURE, I'M BITTER! I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE!

SURE, I'M BITTER! I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE! THE MAN I FELL IN LOVE WITH,

I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE! THE MAN I FELL IN LOVE WITH, THE MAN I'D TRADE MY HUSBAND

THE MAN I FELL IN LOVE WITH, THE MAN I'D TRADE MY HUSBAND FOR, WOULD HAVE UNDERSTOOD.

THE MAN I'D TRADE MY HUSBAND FOR, WOULD HAVE UNDERSTOOD. I'M SORRY.

FOR, WOULD HAVE UNDERSTOOD. I'M SORRY. I JUST CAN'T HELP IT!

I'M SORRY. I JUST CAN'T HELP IT! [SIGHS]

I JUST CAN'T HELP IT! [SIGHS] MAYBE IT WAS MEANT TO BE.

[SIGHS] MAYBE IT WAS MEANT TO BE. MAYBE WE'RE JUST TWO SHIPS THAT

MAYBE IT WAS MEANT TO BE. MAYBE WE'RE JUST TWO SHIPS THAT PASS IN THE NIGHT.

MAYBE WE'RE JUST TWO SHIPS THAT PASS IN THE NIGHT. TWO SHIPS THAT PASS IN THE

PASS IN THE NIGHT. TWO SHIPS THAT PASS IN THE NIGHT?

TWO SHIPS THAT PASS IN THE NIGHT? I FEEL LIKE I'M IN A "B" MOVIE.

NIGHT? I FEEL LIKE I'M IN A "B" MOVIE. WAITER, CHECK, PLEASE!

I FEEL LIKE I'M IN A "B" MOVIE. WAITER, CHECK, PLEASE! ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

WAITER, CHECK, PLEASE! ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. THAT'S IT! THAT'S IT!

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. THAT'S IT! THAT'S IT! STOP IT! HOLD THE MUSIC.

THAT'S IT! THAT'S IT! STOP IT! HOLD THE MUSIC. NO, NO, NO. IT'S RIDICULOUS.

STOP IT! HOLD THE MUSIC. NO, NO, NO. IT'S RIDICULOUS. NO, REALLY, I MEAN, I'M NOT

NO, NO, NO. IT'S RIDICULOUS. NO, REALLY, I MEAN, I'M NOT GONNA GO ON WITH THIS THING.

NO, REALLY, I MEAN, I'M NOT GONNA GO ON WITH THIS THING. THIS IS ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS.

GONNA GO ON WITH THIS THING. THIS IS ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS. I WAS TOLD WHEN I CAME ON THE

THIS IS ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS. I WAS TOLD WHEN I CAME ON THE SHOW THAT I WOULD NOT HAVE TO

I WAS TOLD WHEN I CAME ON THE SHOW THAT I WOULD NOT HAVE TO WORK WITH THE BEES.

SHOW THAT I WOULD NOT HAVE TO WORK WITH THE BEES. AND NOW THIS IS... AND HERE THEY

WORK WITH THE BEES. AND NOW THIS IS... AND HERE THEY ARE!

AND NOW THIS IS... AND HERE THEY ARE! I WAS TOLD NO BEES WHEN I SIGNED

ARE! I WAS TOLD NO BEES WHEN I SIGNED ON TO THIS.

I WAS TOLD NO BEES WHEN I SIGNED ON TO THIS. THERE'S MY BIG DRAMATIC CHANCE

ON TO THIS. THERE'S MY BIG DRAMATIC CHANCE TO DO SOMETHING, AND THEY...

THERE'S MY BIG DRAMATIC CHANCE TO DO SOMETHING, AND THEY... THEY STICK A WHOLE STAGEFUL OF

TO DO SOMETHING, AND THEY... THEY STICK A WHOLE STAGEFUL OF BEES AROUND ME!

THEY STICK A WHOLE STAGEFUL OF BEES AROUND ME! NOW, IF YOU SAW THE FIRST SHOW,

BEES AROUND ME! NOW, IF YOU SAW THE FIRST SHOW, YOU SAW WITH GEORGE CARLIN...

NOW, IF YOU SAW THE FIRST SHOW, YOU SAW WITH GEORGE CARLIN... THE BEES DID NOT WORK!

YOU SAW WITH GEORGE CARLIN... THE BEES DID NOT WORK! AND THEN THE SECOND SHOW,

THE BEES DID NOT WORK! AND THEN THE SECOND SHOW, HOSTING... WITH PAUL SIMON

AND THEN THE SECOND SHOW, HOSTING... WITH PAUL SIMON HOSTING, THE BEES WERE

HOSTING... WITH PAUL SIMON HOSTING, THE BEES WERE HORRENDOUS!

HOSTING, THE BEES WERE HORRENDOUS! NOW, I DON'T HAVE TO... HOW MANY

HORRENDOUS! NOW, I DON'T HAVE TO... HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY IT?!

NOW, I DON'T HAVE TO... HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY IT?! I DON'T WANT THE DAMN BEES!

TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY IT?! I DON'T WANT THE DAMN BEES! NOW, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

I DON'T WANT THE DAMN BEES! NOW, DO YOU UNDERSTAND? AM I MAKING MYSELF CLEAR?

NOW, DO YOU UNDERSTAND? AM I MAKING MYSELF CLEAR? YOU'RE RUINING THE SHOW!

AM I MAKING MYSELF CLEAR? YOU'RE RUINING THE SHOW! WILL YOU PLEASE LEAVE THE STAGE?

YOU'RE RUINING THE SHOW! WILL YOU PLEASE LEAVE THE STAGE? ROBBIE, ROBBIE, ROBBIE.

WILL YOU PLEASE LEAVE THE STAGE? ROBBIE, ROBBIE, ROBBIE. YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE SO HARD ON

ROBBIE, ROBBIE, ROBBIE. YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE SO HARD ON THE BEES.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE SO HARD ON THE BEES. THEY JUST DID IT 'CAUSE THEY

THE BEES. THEY JUST DID IT 'CAUSE THEY THOUGHT IT WOULD HELP THE SHOW.

THEY JUST DID IT 'CAUSE THEY THOUGHT IT WOULD HELP THE SHOW. BUT THEY'RE NOT HELPING THE

THOUGHT IT WOULD HELP THE SHOW. BUT THEY'RE NOT HELPING THE SHOW... THEY'RE RUINING THE

BUT THEY'RE NOT HELPING THE SHOW... THEY'RE RUINING THE SHOW!

SHOW... THEY'RE RUINING THE SHOW! HONEY, I DON'T NEED BEES!

SHOW! HONEY, I DON'T NEED BEES! I DON'T NEED BEES!

HONEY, I DON'T NEED BEES! I DON'T NEED BEES! I'M A MAJOR STAR!

I DON'T NEED BEES! I'M A MAJOR STAR! I'M ON THE NUMBER-ONE TELEVISION

I'M A MAJOR STAR! I'M ON THE NUMBER-ONE TELEVISION SHOW IN AMERICA!

I'M ON THE NUMBER-ONE TELEVISION SHOW IN AMERICA! THEY'RE ONLY BEES!

SHOW IN AMERICA! THEY'RE ONLY BEES! I DON'T WANT THE BEES!

THEY'RE ONLY BEES! I DON'T WANT THE BEES! WHAT IS IT?

I DON'T WANT THE BEES! WHAT IS IT? I'M SORRY IF YOU THINK WE'RE

WHAT IS IT? I'M SORRY IF YOU THINK WE'RE RUINING YOUR SHOW, MR. REINER,

I'M SORRY IF YOU THINK WE'RE RUINING YOUR SHOW, MR. REINER, BUT, UH, SEE, YOU DON'T

RUINING YOUR SHOW, MR. REINER, BUT, UH, SEE, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

BUT, UH, SEE, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. WE DIDN'T ASK TO BE BEES.

UNDERSTAND. WE DIDN'T ASK TO BE BEES. YOU SEE, YOU'VE GOT NORMAN LEAR

WE DIDN'T ASK TO BE BEES. YOU SEE, YOU'VE GOT NORMAN LEAR AND A FIRST-RATE WRITING STAFF.

YOU SEE, YOU'VE GOT NORMAN LEAR AND A FIRST-RATE WRITING STAFF. BUT THIS IS ALL THEY CAME UP

AND A FIRST-RATE WRITING STAFF. BUT THIS IS ALL THEY CAME UP WITH FOR US.

BUT THIS IS ALL THEY CAME UP WITH FOR US. DO YOU...

WITH FOR US. DO YOU... DO YOU THINK WE LIKE THIS?

DO YOU... DO YOU THINK WE LIKE THIS? NO. NO, MR. REINER.

DO YOU THINK WE LIKE THIS? NO. NO, MR. REINER. BUT WE DON'T HAVE ANY CHOICE.

NO. NO, MR. REINER. BUT WE DON'T HAVE ANY CHOICE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

BUT WE DON'T HAVE ANY CHOICE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. I FEEL TERRIBLE, BUT I...

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. I FEEL TERRIBLE, BUT I... I FEEL TERRIBLE.

I FEEL TERRIBLE, BUT I... I FEEL TERRIBLE. YOU SEE, WE WERE... WE'RE

I FEEL TERRIBLE. YOU SEE, WE WERE... WE'RE JUST LIKE YOU WERE FIVE YEARS

YOU SEE, WE WERE... WE'RE JUST LIKE YOU WERE FIVE YEARS AGO, MR. HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA,

JUST LIKE YOU WERE FIVE YEARS AGO, MR. HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA, NUMBER-ONE-SHOW BIG SHOT!

AGO, MR. HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA, NUMBER-ONE-SHOW BIG SHOT! ["BATTLE HYMN OF THE REPUBLIC"

NUMBER-ONE-SHOW BIG SHOT! ["BATTLE HYMN OF THE REPUBLIC" PLAYS]

["BATTLE HYMN OF THE REPUBLIC" PLAYS] THAT'S RIGHT!

[PLAYS] THAT'S RIGHT! WE'RE JUST A BUNCH OF ACTORS

THAT'S RIGHT! WE'RE JUST A BUNCH OF ACTORS LOOKING FOR A BREAK... THAT'S

WE'RE JUST A BUNCH OF ACTORS LOOKING FOR A BREAK... THAT'S ALL!

LOOKING FOR A BREAK... THAT'S ALL! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM US,

ALL! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM US, MR. ROB REINER, MR. STAR?!

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM US, MR. ROB REINER, MR. STAR?! WHAT DID YOU EXPECT...

MR. ROB REINER, MR. STAR?! WHAT DID YOU EXPECT... "THE STING"?!

WHAT DID YOU EXPECT... "THE STING"?! [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. WELL, I, FOR ONE, AM TOTALLY EMBARRASSED.

WELL, I, FOR ONE, AM TOTALLY EMBARRASSED. [COUGHS]

EMBARRASSED. [COUGHS] I FEEL TERRIBLE.

[COUGHS] I FEEL TERRIBLE. I THOUGHT I MADE MYSELF

I FEEL TERRIBLE. I THOUGHT I MADE MYSELF PERFECTLY CLEAR THAT I DIDN'T

I THOUGHT I MADE MYSELF PERFECTLY CLEAR THAT I DIDN'T WANT THE BEES.

PERFECTLY CLEAR THAT I DIDN'T WANT THE BEES. IT'S ALL RIGHT, HONEY.

WANT THE BEES. IT'S ALL RIGHT, HONEY. DON'T SAY, "HONEY."

IT'S ALL RIGHT, HONEY. DON'T SAY, "HONEY." [LAUGHTER]

DON'T SAY, "HONEY." [LAUGHTER] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]